Christmas 2014

Where do I begin...?

Nabal decided 2 weeks ago to remodel the kitchen. Why yes just before Christmas. He thought it wouldn't take a long time. This, even though he's worked around other kitchen remodels. He's smarter, faster and better than all those professionals... So Christmas with no kitchen...

Nabal got into a high priced bottle of blended Whiskey. Our boy, who works for a European company and they entertain upper level executives, bought the bottle for tasting on special occasions. Alas, he left it in reach of Nabal, and 1/3 of the bottle vanished. Lesson learned I believe.

We were planning dinner after we opened presents. Odd but true, Nabal wasn't aware. He was passed out by 5pm. We, the children and I, found an Indian restaurant open and had our usual breaking of bread.

Before I left the house...I had to take a look at Nabal's phone.

A few weeks ago he asked should he get presents for the kids. After all..he loved them.

He was so incredibly busy...he didn't have time to purchase anything.

Nabal had given Mary money to buy presents for children and grandchildren. She 'hinted' three times, with pictures, the Michael Kors bag she wanted. Promised him her 'a$$' all he'd missed from either his or her birthday. He wants to shave her privates... Bless Pete, he found time to buy her the bag $356.23! Christmas eve shopping.

I left it open and by 8 o'clock he must have awaken and realized his predicament. Suddenly Nabal was begging Barry. Calling, texting. "I don't want anyone but you. Please take me back. I'll be nice ok."

He can stew.

This pushed me over the edge. Last nail in the coffin of our defunct marriage.

I guess that was the Christmas miracle.

Thanksgiving Weekend Party(s)

So I pulled out headed back to work and the fainting dead drunk Nabal rallied. He invited some friends over and they were loud and raucous late into the night.

I heard of it because dear daughter, who is now assistant manager at her store, had to awaken quite early for her black Friday shift. Her all day shift. She came out a few times begging quiet. She finally broke when he told the assembled, "Don't worry, she'll be alright." Needless to say...she yelled and fussed at our aged teenager...

Next night Nabal came in with a crew. Pablito's sister got married. They came in...at 4 a.m.! Our boy was called to help bring in a keg. Yes...keg. He asked them where they got it. No one seemed to be able to say for sure... We live in a college town. Let's hope it was left over from the wedding.

Pablito wanted to 'open' said keg and asked our boy how. He told them they needed a tap. Pablito suggested a hammer. (I kid you not)

Our boy took videos. Videos of drunks...trying to punch a punching bag...and generally breaking stuff. But tis true, God watches out for fools, babies and drunks. Why the mirror never shattered, nor feel over and cut one or more of them to ribbons. This was between 5:30 and 6 a.m. Our girl, working that morning, did not need to rise until 8. They made so much noise they awoke her. Her father, unphased, tried to joke about it all. She told me she couldn't believe the words coming from her mouth. She let him have it.

And there we have both children cursing their parent...for good reason on two separate occasions. They, the teens and young adults, found it necessary to play the part of adult to our 50 something irresponsible teenager.

Funny, Nabal never breathed a word. When brought up, he first downplayed and denied. Once the videos surfaced...you'd have thought he was watching his favorite clips from YouTube. He was...so proud. You know just funning!

Drunkus Interruptus

Our boy is house sitting for his boss. Nabal told him to not let them make him their slave... All they see is a Mexican boy to order around... My boy said his boss told him it was a little escape from his dad. Or boy told Nabal he's trying out independence.

I told the boy to shake off his father's words like so much dust.

A grasping drunk, he wants to keep everyone around to play his drama off of... He told the young man he would always be there for him, and this was just a job. Tried to guilt him into coming home! Nabal cares for no one but Nabal. (period)

Talking to Nabal: the boy is taking care of someone's dog for a month, and I don't like it. He's not here, you're not here. That's it, you can't go to work anymore. Poor little Nabal...

What were the kids doing while he was out nights with Mary? He didn't seem to worry to awful much... Oh, our girl is still home...working long hours. (crickets) Poor little Nabal.

Tuesday

Last week I found a treasure trove of texts... Mary and Nabal. Them spending nights together. Him checking on her period... Her at it's end and him begging to get in it. Asking to eat... Them fighting, her threatening to send me all his messages to her, to me. Her calling him a dirty drunk. Really? She was surprised he wasn't a man of God? Told him he was instead evil... Pay her phone, her tuition. Telling him he can stay the night at her house. Asking would they spend the entire night at a hotel.

Screen shot, sent from his phone to mine. Next stop lawyer, because I know none of that is permissible evidence...in my state. You gabber got to practically be in the bedroom with them...

What did surprise me is that I think he's also banging our old realtor. Something of a sot herself. Now in her 70's. Just before his invite to her to go to a hotel...there was a text from her for him to "delete delete" their previous conversion... Julie G. thought we were ok... Can't trust anyone.

Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving!

Nabal is too drunk to eat... Last night we all went out to eat, his food wasn't consumed, to heavy he said. He indeed was sober.

It's 7:26, he's passed out standing up leaning on the stove. Told me I can save him...just sleep with him, quit work, everything back like it was. He's a victim.

(I think either Mary ditched him or he finally got her love...of his money. Even Isela doesn't seem to be biting.)

Wednesday

It's 10:30 pm. Nabal is complaining that our boy has some friends over talking when he (Nabal) wants to go to sleep. You know, friends visiting like normal people. I said to him, usually it's the other way around- everyone else it's trying to sleep and you are playing music loud or waking someone to tell them something.

Nabal: I never do that.

It's the same old crap. He complains, makes fun of anyone who isn't Spanish or a hood rat.

Why do alcoholics deep down want to see everyone around them fail?

Bad Tuesday

Suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it if I please.

Suicide would be such an easier way out...if it didn't mess up so many lives.

Everybody has bad in their lives...why do you hold onto bad things from the past? You need to let it all go and let me love you. Come sleep with me tonight and make sex.

This is all your fault. I've never done anything wrong. Its all your imagination.

Mary? Mary's mother died and she asked me for $700, then asked for more. She's after me I think. We have never eaten together or gone out. You're the love of my life. (caught red handed with all her pics on his phone)

That was all tonight...because...he was backpeddeling. I saw debris on the hall floor. It was across from a hole in the baseboard. Nabal drunkenly fired the 12 gauge in his room! WTF!!?! He gave a big grin, threw up his hands- shit happens, and giggled. I lit into him and he just kept grinning. "Why are you so upset? It was a mistake. All the could have that didn't happen."

Our daughter and several of our children's friends, young women and men, were downstairs watching a movie. Right below where the hole was. Thank you Lord no one got hurt!

Oh how I could have throttled him. He got mad....at me! Oh like you're so perfect. Its the boy's fault. I didn't know the gun was loaded. I don't know anything about guns. (lie) The law says you can't have a loaded gun in the house. (lie) I was sober. (lie) I was going to shoot the fox that killed my chickens. "Look, look it went through the wall, through the bathroom, shot marred the venetian blinds. And it didn't break the window! (he smiled proudly)

So you pulled the trigger on an empty gun? You were going to shot a fox? In the city limits? With an empty gun? What? Were you going too throw the gun at the fox?
Nabal: change subject. Begin alluding to secrets you could divulge if anyone continues to press him. You are making a little mistake into something big...

Texts:
To Mary- I like you a lot.
To Isela- por k tu eres mi 1 amor.

Here we are, back at the beginning...

Collecting divorce lawyer numbers!

Oh, tried again to 'order' me to stop working and stay at home.

I needed to start drinking and drugging with him...or he can come to church with me. You know...we need things in common..!

He can stop drinking- "I'd get pretty strict with you and be mean...but if that's what I want."

The game of life is hard to play
I'm gonna lose it anyway
The losing card I'll someday lay
So this is all I have to say

'Suicide is Painless'

You know...everyone has problems.

Classic response: lie, change the subject, deflect, blame shift, threaten to tell secrets.

When I went into the bathroom her shut the door and blocked it. The look on his face...he wanted to hit me, but was trying to get me to start the violence. I sat down on the tub across the room. Our son finally opened the door. Nabal accused him of breaking into the bathroom and interfering. I could see the want in Nabal's face. The want to hit his son.

Later he brought up the subject over and over. He is never going to do anything for his son again. Nabal looked at me and said, "He hates you. He doesn't care about you. I'm the only one who does."

When His Lips Are Moving...

A lie is coming out! That's what's going on alrighty.

Nabal: Baby I love you and no one else. You think I'm with other women...nope, I love only you. We gonna die together. I'm never gonna leave you, no matter sharer you do. I'm never gonna be mean to you every again. Sleep with me tonight. Give me some pu_ _y.

Them with his drunken ordering voice: You stay here and quit work!

First night in Nabal passed out, phone left laying around. He and Mary have been talking up a storm. I saw an Econo Lodge charge on his bank card for October 31st. Low and behold there were the plans in plane English!

Could not figure how to take a screenshot on his phone... I looked it up next day. (it was late, I was tired and not thinking)

Tonight- stumbling drunk yet again. He passed out and I got hold of the phone again. This time armed with screenshot knowhow. Would the text thread still be there? Oh yeah! And more- his regular phone... Lots of unerased text threads with both sides, or enough from either did.

Her daughter sends him a hi. She sees him all the time. She knows Mary is always with Nabal.

She begs him to talk to her.

Morning baby, she made money on their bet on a football game.

Could he pay her phone bill that day.

She sees him through emerald colored glass- the color of money!

The other night he was so drunk he pretty much told on himself. He'd tried to cheat, but got blocked every time. He figured God had stopped him...and he was mad at God for that. And he'd spent a lot of money trying to get laid. (then he just giggled to himself) Nabal rambled about getting me to some country...Mexico or Cuba. Somewhere I would have to do what he said and receive no help. There he, in his words, "would f_ck your ass good. Wow...another fit of giggles from Nabal...

He did erase her side, if she ever answered.

Typical Tuesday

Nabal called while I was in a store and phone in the car. Called back around 8:30. No answer.

Got home a little later to ground beef setting out on the counter, and the house filled with snores of a passed out drunk. A left him to his stupor after our son took a very drunk Pablito home.

Nabal: The fox ate my rooster. I'm not letting the chickens out again.

Me: Sorry, you have to put them up in the evening.

Nabal: I work so much. I work late and don't get home in time.

I replied something...don't remember.

Nabal: I was sitting in my truck and saw the fox.

Me: Why didn't you put them up?

Nabal: It was day. Just before the sun goes down.

Me: Better known a evening...

Nabal: oh.

Sitting in his truck equals drinking. Too drunk to take care of his animals... Why none of us encourage him. He wants animals, he just wants others to care for them so he can play with then when he's drunk.

Did anyone else notice the attempted sidestep away from responsibility?

Why Doesn't She Leave?

So many ask this puzzling question. The whole Pistorius trial, verdict, and new admissions from his girlfriend's mother force my hand to write. She was leaving. He killed her. In domestic violence statistics, 75% of deaths happen when the victim tries to end the relationship or leave.

In my area there have been two deaths related to domestic violence within a month of one another. The first- murder suicide involving the wife and three daughters murdered and the husband committing suicide once he concluded. The next- a wife murdered.

I think back to the family methodically murdered all because the woman's sister did leave an abusive marriage. The husband wanted to know her whereabouts. Did he want to send her her things? Probably wanted to bring her back or kill her if she wouldn't.

Do you realize that as far back as the early 80's shelters forbid victims telling their families their location? Not because they thought family would turn on them. They knew these abusers would threaten and intimidate to find their victim.

I had friends who worked at shelters. They told stories of holding off abusers outside of shelters until the police got there. They were there to take their property back where it belonged.

A friend I finally told the extent of my fears told me of a woman she once worked with. Many moons ago she worked at a factory. They had an odd woman who worked with them- always the first out, sometimes she looked roughed up but she kept to herself and no one knew her well. She never attended office parties, leaving hurriedly at quitting time. One day she, not realizing it was not a work day, came in on some social day. She finally talked. Telling everyone what her home life was- her husbands drove her to, and picked her up from work. If she were a minute late, she was harranged and beaten. He threatened her about making friends of any sort. That old echo came forward: Why don't you leave? Her reply was that her husband told her often that if she even looked like she wanted to leave...he'd kill their children.

Her coworkers became true friends. They made sure she got out on time each and every day. One day her husband had done sort of accident and was hospitalized. She took her opportunity and escaped with her children. The husband came around questioning everyone, but she moved to another part of the country.

A friends husband was in his 40's confronted by the mother who abandoned him. It was his farther's funeral. He had never spoken of her. Did not want to hear anything his sisters had to say about her. At this, his father's funeral, his sister was insistent. The woman cried telling him how she had escaped and could only save herself. She didn't worry for his safety because he was the apple of his father's eye, but the man had tried to kill her on two occasions. The final time pushing her down a flight of steps, then complained that she wouldn't die. He told her he would try again. He finally understood and healed that which was broken inside.

I saw comments following the deaths of the local women. Why didn't she just leave? She could have saved herself by leaving. Stop treating these women as victims! Stop telling them they are victims! If they would just grow a pair and stand up to these men... My mom stayed and made my life hell. She left after I left the house. Why did she wait so long? I hate my mother for staying and putting up with that crap.

I feel for any kid raised with this... They don't know. The abuser usually doesn't tell the kids they will kill them if mommy doesn't behave... Divide and conquer is their motto. Everyone had to hate or see the victim as a fool or crazy. You're eating out of their hand. You're their ally.

Why doesn't she just leave? That gut level feeling that tells you there will be no letting go. No calmly accepting reality. Remember, they have a different reality than you or I. That gut level feeling, verified by remembrances, small flashes...promises, that your going would 'force' the abuser to switch gears. Leave? You? No. If they decide to leave...it's their prerogative, but not you.

The woman killed by a husband who never raised a finger to her. He had 'only' emotionally and verbally abused her...until she said she was leaving.

I remember years ago needing to write a paper. I gathered information on domestic abuse. The topic choice was the necessity of a topic and to find a way to help a friend. It made my head hurt. All I could gather was that until the woman was ready, there was nothing anyone could really do. I became frustrated and scrapped the paper. Why doesn't she just leave?! I couldn't fathom it. I knew him. I knew his deeds. Whenever I met him...he was the epitome I'd charm. Lying through his teeth, he sounded so convincing. They are so very hard to read... Knowing the truth and hearing the lies...I found it terribly hard to reconcile. My gosh she was so close...how the heck could she? (did I even then see a resemblance?)

Why doesn't she leave? We fear death!

Not many walk towards death with light feet. For some there is love mixed with fear. For others love lefty when vision cleared, but fear of death...fear of pain, loss of children's lives, and back to death. Leaving can easily equal suicide mission.

Many are sure they could never be caught in such a relationship. Maybe we were already broken, maybe not. Who rushes headlong to death? No sane person.

We fear death.

Wednesday

What a delusional man. Nabal just called all happy saying we slept together last night... What actually happened: I went to sleep around midnight. At some point Nabal stumbled downstairs in the dark sat on the sofa (very large wrap around) and passed out. I remember pushing him off my foot. I woke early in the morning hours to find he had knocked my suitcase down, but was gone.

So he left his phone laying around. Mary, Mary...does your beau know you send your pics to a drunk? Church folks? Lol, he sends 'pin up' type pictures from hotel rooms.

What we learned here- if you sleep in the same room with another person...you have slept with them. Omg, no more sleeping on planes!

Well another birthday...and I still haven't celebrated my 50th. Nabal is so bummed I'll be working...my foot!

And yet another person asks if I have an insurance policy on him. Need to look into that.

Wednesday

How is this man not dead from alcohol poisoning?!

Last night: beer (enough to make him wabble), all but 3 fingers of a bottle of Stoli blueberri vodka (which was full)

Evidently this past weekend:
Beer to drunkenness, Jager and red bull, then Nyquil trying to sleep.

I can honestly say I would have had to have been hospitalized.

Both mornings, he got up and went to work...on time. Yet again, how does he do that?

Monday

I've started keeping my phone on airplane mode to stop sloppy drink calling evenings and all hours of the night.

Nabal calls:

Nabal: How are you?
Me: Fine. Tired. It's raining pretty bad and slow going.

Nabal: No rain here. You're sleeping in my bed tonight yes?
Me: What?

Nabal: You, me, in my bed. Our, your bed. You sleep with me.
Me: Don't think so.

Nabal: So that's a yes. Right?
Me: No.

Nabal: Yes, you and me in bed tonight.

I just hung up. It's an old broken record...CD. His only topic. I say no...and he just keeps on trying to convince me I am, should...whatever. Saying yes. Another mind game? Why of course. Scary- he's convinced I'll say yes some day. You know...see the light. What would he do if I got my Abby truly together and ended it all?

A woman I work with missed a day this weekend. I just found out she was beaten by her boyfriend. She lives there with get two girls. He I'd neither child's father. She recently moved in for financial reasons. She says she'll leave I'd he every beats her up again... I remember that she said he wakes her when he comes in drunk- for sex. She drives him to some sport he plays, because he lost his license- DUI. He's emotionally abusive. All get friends at work told her to move in. They've dated off and on for years. They are made for each other. I saw reticence in her before she moved in. Another woman who escaped an abusive relationship advised her against it...but that poor woman had other messed up issues. We folks with messed up issues can see it in other people. Caution them...but because we are so needed up ourselves...no one listens.

Am I Missing Something...?

Nabal: You work so much... When are we going to be able to spend some time just for us? Let's go to Florida. I want to see Miami! We need time together because I love you.

Ok... Years ago maybe. With all that has transpired...not interested at all. I am just amazed. He did say some time ago that I just needed to get over everything and start over. Umm...no. He acts jovial and yet at the same time pushes possession. Trying to touch, even touch that seems innocent yet is invasive. Announcing- You are my wife. You, all of you belongs to me. But its like he's instructing a child...

Why the f#ing head games? Divorce was once on the table. Guess he thought it was a scare tactic...that blew up in his face!

It's the whole possession thing that really bothers me. Let's see... A possession doesn't get to call it quits. A possession can be used however the owner sees fit. A possession when it no longer works correctly...can be disposed of. That last one... Scary sh#t! These are the guys that cajole, humor, whatever...until one makes a stand and says its completely over. Then they turn into who they really are. Anger exudes and folks get hurt. Family, friends and the 'possession' itself.

No, I have no plans of spending any romantic weekends reconnecting with Nabal. It just amazes me how he turns on a dime. I don't even like to break bread with him. Every talk is one directional with him- Towards a bed and sex. He believes his own hype. I've let him down. I was the reason for his...how shall we say? Gosh, immature crazy times where he was possessed by juvenal someone else? Well, something that let's him completely off the hook of responsibility. Naturally it falls back to me. He was so overwrought...poor boy. And naturally since he overcame my...whatever he's imagined. I should overcome his...faux pas. Bahahaha! That would work if there was any truth to it! He goes back more than 20 years, before we dated, tries to invent something that didn't happen...and voila! All my fault.

Just makes me nuts. If he keeps at it I'm sure he hopes I well cave and accept my place... Oh my God, I'd rather be alone. He of course believes that if he's not appealing there must be someone else. Why? Well...his reality is all women are whores at heart. He was just telling me his niece is pregnant. She was abused by her mom as a child. Put upon by get father's girlfriend- a la Cinderella. Beat by her father because he was grieving the loss of a younger daughter. (through parental disinterest) Her only other caregiver was alcoholic self-centered granny. I tried to get her to the states. Her learning disability was delt with horribly because she was getting more attention than her hard head brother. God I hate machismo! Why is she pregnant? Why are all adults involved angry? OMG, the child never had a chance to make another choice!

I think he's been filling girlfriend in on how wronged he is..and he's begun to believe it. His look of surprise and disbelief when I say no to him on all his romantic overtures. Like a hurt child. Oh just makes me crazy.

What am I missing? Maybe balls to seriously closer all this down. Maybe just the difference in reality and fantasy.

Tuesday

Making sure I had enough on my card to but gas. Thought to look at Nabal's activity. Well well...Econo Lodge? Last night...? Kids tell me dad isn't home... Dang it he got home just after I did. The man who most of the time does not bathe for days on end. I'm talking the three days I'm here- hot sweaty summer construction work no washing. Well sir...he was washed, clean clothes, and his spiffy cowboy boots. Hmmm...winner what he was up to? Pulled $180 out of the Bank ATM. Guess it'll remain a mystery.

Tuesday...again

Abusive man thing:
Once you begin to get yourself together and find yourself worthy enough to fix yourself up a bit...just for you. In swoops Mr. Abusive wondering what man you're trying to impress... Just wow... Haha, he knows you are finding value in yourself! Dangerous happenings for him.

So Sunday calls me Sunday around 3 in three afternoon- he knows I work until 6. So I called at 6ish once I got off so he wouldn't bug my after he was drunk. Too late! What I did notice was that he hustled me off the phone. Usually he's asking when I'm going to let him 'mess' with me again... (answer: 12th of never)

So that did stick out. I want missing it, just that Nabal is so very predictable.

Fast forward to Monday evening I was praying house bills online. Needed to transfer some money. He buzz saws through it so fast sometimes I look at the activity just to see what on. Low and behold> $99 for Holiday Inn...as in room rental. Ahh, vitreous Mary would be my guess. Also he's been eating a lot around that area. Maybe some chickie from the Mexican store close by.

So today...he wants nee to accompany him to buy new work boots. Seems he doesn't know where to buy them. He's only boon buying them for more than 30 years... His shoulder...can I make a doctor's appointment for him. Yeah the one he feel on...maybe a month or so ago. Plus he's very concerned about my car.

Its ok, I already know your secret... Now just to catch you.

Post Script Wednesday:
So evidently Nabal thought my son told on him about his hotel trip...and yelled at him. Who in turn thought my daughter told me...and got him in trouble. What a f#cked up family. She claims not to have known. Well...

All the while Nabal was trumpeting his innocence- he was paying rooms for a buddy who had no place to stay. Sounds like the way all thus started. He claimed to need to rescue friends 4 hours away so he could spend the night with Mary. One tune piano...

And I'll admit, I doubted myself. Could have been true... Maybe I was out of line... But alas no. Yet again I'm not crazy nor misguided. I just don't get why he wants to hold on to me...

He's got Isela sending him pictures again. She sent him a friendly picture and that ass demanded more. Her reply was more what.

Something has got to give... He's still doing his veiled threats. I can do what I want, but he'll never let me go... Will always love me until we die together... There goes my blood pressure.

Tuesday

Came home last night to the usual drunk Nabal. He was very concerned that the drunk (or drinking, half an empty bottle of tequila was there open) Pablito was missing. The living room sofa had a blanket laid out. "Why are you so concerned, he's a grown man?"
Nabal, "Because he's bipolar and shouldn't drink."

What?! Nabal is the one who urged him to stop his meds for alcoholic psychosis (not bipolar disorder) and drink with him.

Well damn! He was coming in when I got home... Oh yes he was driving drunk. (funny, the cops sit right beside our house keeping tabs on the drug dealers down the street, yet miss the drunk driving right past them...every night!) Both kids were out. It was late. Really you trust him when your kids could possibly come in and be there alone with him? Yet so concerned with his whereabouts?

The guy up the street at the last step in his sobriety, the one that now drinks with Nabal. Got beat up this past weekend for trying to rip crack off a dealer living half a block away... The man has nerve damage and can hardly make it. Oh, he was drunk. I've decided Nabal, friendship with Nabal is a gateway drug!

No Rest For The Wicked

4:30 a.m. I have indigestion and am awake. The quiet house above me. I heard Nabal awaken, probably going to the bathroom. Ah, but no! Out the front door, back in. Out the door again going through trucks. Downstairs with his phone as a light...searching. After four trips outside and a return search to the basement, I ask what he is doing.

Looking for his phone... It's in your hand. "My other phone. Someone stole it."

Wow..! A frantic a.m. search? Must be some pretty incriminating stuff on it!

Nabal has been doing the full court press since I got home. Love you. You are my wife, you belong to me. Your my one and only little lady.

Trying to cop a feel here and there. Man, martial arts training comes in so very handy. Thank you for the hours of blocking drills.

Yeah...pretty incriminating. I saw the phone sitting on the dining room table as we were all going out to eat. Stopped to look at it while everyone else was scurrying to get ready. Why yes, Nabal was drunk, but not blato. Straight to messaging! Why yes he and Mary are in touch. Wonder if her boyfriend knows? Probably not since there is some bogus 'hey girl' text from weeks ago wanting to invite 'her'and her hubby out sometime. Misdirecting her poor beau's attention... Ahh, those tangled webs again. So seems last Tuesday the 15th they were texting at 7 a.m.. Only his side was left. "wen" "will you be there alone" "ok"

Yesterday her inquiring what Nabal was doing around 8a.m. Then a lovely pic of her in front of a historic attraction locally.

I placed the phone where I'd found it and we all left.

Up and about at 1 a.m. I wondered if the phone was still there... Why yes. Yes it was!

Looking around the picture was taken Saturday...by her beau. How do I know? Ahh, Facebook. Two new pics posted- one of her and said beau, the other the pic sent to Nabal.

Oh! Why is Nabal texting himself. I know to transfer information... But Nabal ain't that savvy. I smelled a rat. Bingo! Naked pics. The girl looks of age...if barely. Not Ms. Mary.

Why yes, all that got saved, sent, and hidden on his phone. Yes it did.

Why is Mary so chatty lately I wonder? Oh, Nabal us flush again. If they do end up together...couldn't happen to a more worthy girl! She'd catch hell with his jealousy. Hell, I did with no basis. He'd have plenty of basis from her current behavior. She's pretty sly... His image of women.

This is the same liar who last week told me if I left him he'd kill himself. He wanted to die first, then me a few minutes later... The same liar who insists on his undying love. Who apologizes for anything I think he did... But he really didn't do. And when he can't hold it in tells me I started not speaking to him for no reason and that's why he talked to other women. Only talk. Never anything inappropriate. Lies, on to of lies, atop more lies. He's the innocent victim but it's willing to take the hit...for us. Sigh. Give me a break.

So his sober search yielded zilch. Where is his phone? Right beside his keys where he left them. On the dining room table. Bet he's peeing his pants with worry. Oh yeah, I don't much care.

Tuesday

Nabal...admitted to waking up drunk in the mornings...at least this past Saturday. Pooping his pants after trying to wake himself up with coffee. His stomach felt bad. Got mad at people he was working for...not himself.

Wishes I would stop working and stay home. He wants to die first...then me right after... And how was your night?

Wednesday

Nabal- "Going to church with me Wednesday?"

Me- "Huh?"

Nabal- "Are you going to your church Wednesday?"

Nabal- "When do you have time off from your work?"

Me- "Not now, busy season."

Nabal- "We need to spend time together. Go to dinner, take some time for us..."

Me- "Why?"

Nabal- "Because I want to."

Me- "No thank you."

Nabal- "You're just mean."

A call from drunk Nabal, who decided to get drink instead of going to church:

Nabal- "Are you leaving?"
(he'd been standing there drinking with his buddies when I packed up and drove off)

Me- "I'm at the store."

Nabal- "You need to get back here!"
(very confrontational and harsh voice)

Me- "What?"

Nabal- "I want to give you a hug baby."
(very quiet voice)

He went on like this speaking harshly, then when I called him out changing his tone to cajoling. Some new game? Looking tough on his woman for his audience? Just drunk crazy? Don't know, don't care. Just a lot of double talk this week. Like he's trying subliminal suggestion...

Nabal fell had his elbow swollen and hit his head the same place he had that bad gash a few years ago when the cement block got dropped on his head. Again, drunks on a work site are dangerous!

Real Time

"You're having sex with someone else." Stumbling drunk Nabal said as more a statement than a question. Emphatic no. "you know you've let me down, but I'm willing to forgive you." (sounds like a limited time offer from a cheap furniture store...)

"Oh no, I got drunk...I'm supposed to preach tomorrow night. What can I do? What you think about that? I'm sorry I drank baby."

I flipped a little- Back to the same old ground. You've always accused me, yet you were the one who actually was running around.

Funny, he didn't even try to defend that. Too drunk to think fast. So he just kept to his script.

"I'm willing to forgive you. I want you back to be mine all mine. Even though you let me down a long time ago." (never did say he'd be mine. Hmmm, sounds like property.)

"I want to play with your p**sy. Can I?" He giggles, hands moving. He tries for my breasts.

Off ether deep end I went! I made it to assertive and specific. Inside I felt like a kid following the instructions of yelling NO and backing away when in stranger danger. Oddest things come to mind... His laughing reply, "I can touch them I'd I want, they are all mine."

Why did he say that? I'm not property! That crap went out 150 years ago. I'd give him his $30 for the marriage certificate!

(This is what scares me: what is property? At most basic understanding it is something owned. So therefore it has an owner. Property is something you can pretty much do with as you see fit, unless there is some preceding condition of ownership. Property is something owned until the owner decided to replace it, or dispose of it in some manner. Let's say one is tired of ones old car. One goes car shopping and realizes one doesn't have resources to replace said old one. Reluctantly you drive the old one until it is unfixable. People aren't cars! But, people who see others as property see their right to 'keep' a person is a life long right- until the owner has procured new property. Then they still may reserve the right of supervise. (or own more than one) In short property isn't at liberty to choose if an owner is in some way unfit, or if they can be free. It's a clinging cloying, cold feeling.)

"You must have someone else! Why would you want to give up on us if not?!"

Really! Really! Your behavior isn't enough?! You flatter yourself! (and why is thus always the go to?!)

"I drink because you're not with me."

Oh no! Your not heaping thus on me. Its your choice.

Oh my gosh! Nabal called and I lost almost all I'd written... Grrr...

Nabal us trying to get debt points with us. Wanting date nights. Wanting to take or girl on a shipping spree to a high end store. (or at least hoping the mention of it will garner compliance. My kids informed me Nabal never carried through on his promises years ago. Sad)

All so we will go/make an appearance at this new church to support his wolf in sheep's clothing act. He wants to hold a debt. Just like the slippery slimy guy who takes you on a date. Wines you and dines you, then turns into something ugly when you won't immediately sleep with him. You owe him! NOT!

Tuesday

I awoke at 4 a.m. this morning. My mind was whirling and jumping, and I just had such an overwhelming sadness. Looking on how I arrived at this point. Broken. Broken life. Broken family. Broken child becomes broken adult. That odd person- nice but offputting. Quirky, out of the main, weird. They talk at people because they don't really know how to talk with people. They are at times funny, funny is safe, a fake closeness. They'd rather laugh with you. They try to keep the bitterness buried. The fact that life isn't fair, learned at an early age, leaves them in fear. What ever can go wrong... Sometimes heading it off at the pass. The self fulfilling prophecy.

I got in late last night. (by design) Nabal comes bouncing out of his room- sober. Asks about my drive. Was it long? Same distance its been for a year...

Lunges for a hug. Tries to kiss my arm... Can I help you with your bags?

Follows me downstairs. Am I tied? Yes. He wants to talk. Even the IRS told him he needs an accountant!

Are you going to sleep? Yes. Give me a kiss goodnight! (what?) Come on, just a little kiss on the lips. He'd already politely asked me to come sleep upstairs. (no to all. Go away!)

If he acts, if he pretends there is no problem...is he hoping I will just cave and we'll be one big happy family again? It's a if he's living his comment of things happen in life...and you just need to get over it. He's gotten over it, now I need to follow suit. He brooks no separation. No divorce. Last week when he was trying to lay the blame of his not having his citizenship in 20 years on me. It's all so muddled...he's needed a lawyer from the beginning. So we need to sit down together and remember when he went to Mexico. When I told hon to do it himself... His reply: We are one! We have to do it together.

Talking to a coworker of Mexican heritage who herself grew up with an alcoholic father and despising her mother for not leaving. In telling her she replied: God forbid a Mexican man would fill out his own paperwork! They feel women should do all their 'menial' tasks. Then we compared notes. We both knew Mexican men that had their 'women' place calls to their friends as if the women were their secretaries! She purposefully no longer dates Mexican men because of their expectations of, not even subservience, but of expectations of rights of ownership.

Nabal comes in today...butter wouldn't melt in his mouth. He sits down and after a little while he starters caressing my shoulder. Not in any loving way, but possessive. I'd rather he not touch me at all!

Ha!! Finally the truth! "Are you coming to church with me tomorrow?" I replied that I was going to church like I always do when I'm in town. "No, you're going to church with me." There are some people who can make a slimly veiled order sound more like a harmless question. Nabal being one.

I have been leaving on Wednesdays for the last 3 weeks- therefore missing church for as many weeks.

I explained that tomorrow it's a fellowship night and I was taking food. Nabal- "Just come for a little while." They are on opposite ends of town, extreme opposites!

I see this game a mile away! He wants to parade the family as his holy window dressing... First me, then the kids. Not having it! Not keeping quiet again hoping someone will notice his spirit.

Conversation goes on: "But I told the people you were coming." Why? "To introduce you." Why? "Because I want to." Thank you I already have a church. "I'm going to be helping them with their Spanish ministry." I laughed...like he always helps. More recruiting drinking buddies than anything else.

Now back up two days. I awoke to a text that read: 'Breaking news poppys starting a church tomorrow lol' That was from one of or children. He was roaring drunk. He sees this as a position of power, not service. It'll be 'his' church.

Then he asked me the name of the pastor of the church in the city we lived in when we first married. I knew about this church. They came to town a few years after we arrived. I already had a church home but I did let Nabal know. To see if he were interested in attending again. They were very interested in starting a Spanish arm of their church, but did not speak Spanish. They were returning missionaries from Africa. I knew them slightly and knew some of their family. He wasn't interested. At that time I would have moved churches. That was years before I found my current long term home.

Why the sad awakening? Because of this pushing against reality. Because Nabal will place his hand, not on me, but close enough to be personal space. I can feel the possession in it. It's meant too send a message. Makes me feel hopeless. Not to the point of turning back and willingly put the blinders back on, but willing to give up on hopes, dreams, anything beyond this moment. Feeling trapped.

Monday...Still

I do not have good luck watching 48 Hours... Tonight a wife killed by her husbands of 20+ years.

Enter very drunk Nabal with food no one will eat. We know what he does to food when he's drunk.

And how does he not get caught drunk driving on Memorial Day?!

Anyway, I was dozing. He eats whopping and cursing loudly. Right beside me. The show goes through the basic premise of the episode. Nabal says to me, "I don't want you to die chicita. I need you in my life." (what the hell??) "Can I sleep with you tonight? I just want to play with you sometime." He falls backward into the corner of the wrap around couch. Last words: "Oh, but you never think of that." Nabal passes out. 10:40pm

Did I mention we have a last stop house for men in a recovery program down the street? They have all finished their years of recovery and this is their last step before they are in their own again. Nabal has a few of these guys drinking again... Really?! Our son...is disgusted. I would take any who wanted to go to church... Nabal is just selfish. Wants to prove no one can stop drinking. In fact hates the people who can and have, or people who can resist. All the while claiming he can stop anytime. Calling others he's coerced filthy drunks.

His other endearment tonight...I guess if you aren't willing to quit working...I have to keep getting drunk. As my witness, go to the beginning of all this and you see me home dealing with angry kids and keeping his business together- and him drinking again. He says come home and we can build a big business. When he gets big, and he was, he tells me it's his money...and blows it. Nope, didn't cause it, got nothing to do with it!

Monday

Got home early around 5...Yup, drunk already. Celebrating memorial day.

Last week our girl observed to me, since Nabal seemed so disheartened that I wouldn't be able to accompany him to church last Wednesday since I worked an extra day, that she wasn't sure what church he was supposed to be going to. Saturday night he was drinker than drunk, and as she headed out to work at 10 in the morning...he was throwing down beer already.

Nabal is...trying to show that he is the loving husband. Running to get doors. Cam I have hug? Please please please. Trying to kiss my sleeved arm... Will I come sleep with him tonight? Oh joy...we can touch each other. (Nabal's words) When can I get a weekend off to go to Mexico? The whole family would go... He won't take that he is the only one who wants to go. The boy is thinking of using his vacation to revisit Europe. The girl...just isn't feeling it at all. She'd love to meet up with one female cousin, but the rest of the BS is too much. The drunk grandma. (if she's not drinking at the moment...Nabal will make sure she is by the time he leaves! The drunk uncles, and possibly now drunk cousins. I...have vowed to never go back. At least with Nabal, and not to his mother's house. All his brothers are having wife troubles? Well, too late for this wife.

He is back at playing the poor slighted husband. "You don't like me anymore." (sad sad voice)

Still trying to turn the tables... Mean mean mommy. (i know I'm the wife-that's what he says...) I need to quit work and help him build up his company real big. I don't need to work. Just sounds like a one way ticket to where I was. To his being the real him...because I'd be penniless again and unable to go anywhere. When I told him I like what I do. That was the point where he decided I didn't like him. Redirect much?! Trying to plant, that what I like is bad of me if it doesn't benefit him directly or takes me away from being directly at his beck and call.

When will I just get completely tired of all this. Get over being worried about what he will or won't do and come to grips that nothing is worse than being with Nabal! The thought of he and I together again...is so depressing...I think I'd just wither away.

It's all such a broken record kind of existence. Getting tired. Too old to let life just go on like this till I die.

Last night Nabal drunk called at midnight. I was asleep. He will plainly state that he doesn't care if he wakes me. He just wants to be disruptive. He just wants what HE wants. I have the phone set so it doesn't ring. That want the first time.

A small thing- now that all our towels look like crap because they have been used to wipe up messes instead of dry off bodies... I've been waiting for a bigger check to buy new towels. The ones we have are clean, but stained beyond belief. They've been in use for years and got that way this last year. Nabal announced that he bought a towel. Not towels. A towel... And when I got the chance could I wash it for him. A small thing, but paints such a big picture.

Friday

I'm not really sure when this is from, except that it's thus winter/fall.

Oh no....Nabal remembered my number! So I got another beer soaked call. He started calling 2 hours before I got home. He got a big check today and wanted to tell me I could come home and work no more. Everything he had every done, he's done for me. The person who perpetrated all the nastiness? That was someone else... (his words) If I would just be nice. We need to stay together to do big things. Love you with all my heart. I've never been with another woman. (he laughs) Hard as I try I can't find anyone else, but I really want to be with you.

Anyone else see anything wrong with that declaration, or it's it just me?

I want to keep you. You are my little baby. We can't throw away what we have.

Of Nabal and his crazy declarations... Why it's all about money. Nabal's mother it's one money hungry greedy woman. But she won't work for it. She instead convinced her boys they had to support her fully since she was in her forties... Ergo, he thinks every woman is controlled and/or swayed by the almighty dollar.

Let me think back...he voiced the D word years ago. Divorce. It used to strike terror in my heart because I was trying so damn hard. Once I agreed with him...suddenly he became champion of our marriage and I was the quitter. Plainly that game had outlived it's usefulness to Nabal... Took him a while to test that out- that was when he would mind numbingly vasilate between the hero and wanting a divorce. He just had to figure out which bothered me more. He has been looking for someone else. Well, I guess he's trying that out to see if it bothers me. Way too late.

Why he said someone else was that mean person talking? I may have said too much...I told him that when he has lots odd money...he goes out of his easy to be mean and nasty. And honestly, If he did it once it's only a matter of time till he's flush and does it again.

There. Now he had ammunition in figuring me out. With him, it all comes down to head games. He knows if I don't work-I'm definitely stuck, so stroke there first. He knows I was an abandoned child, so strike there second. He knows all these almost twenty years of making me nuts and emotionally confused wasn't wasted time. So go there last. It's the little- Not letting you go. That scares me. I'm his possession... Point of the whole conversation...or has fear written that in for me. He did ask if there was anyone else. Not a soul. He did hurriedly correct himself. Oh the history behind that loaded question. Years of me trying so dang hard only to be accused time and again. Just making up ridiculous crap. I would jump every time thinking I had done something to make him think that.

I stopped looking around when we went out. There was the chance he would think I had looked at someone with lustful eyes. (but of course when he did it out in the open, he was just taking his manly privilege) I look back and laugh, but I was trying to be so perfect and he would completely blow me out of the water. I'd just become more reclusive. I had a funny thought the other night and herein is the problem our issue. I don't really enjoy the company of other women. There have been a few really good close friends, but for the most part my friends have been males. Why? I prefer talking about guy stuff- carpentry, cars, sports, etc. I prefer the way men interact with friends. Want to drive me over the edge- talk all afternoon about girlie stuff. Yes I knit, I sew, I wear dresses and makeup sometimes, but I prefer guy talk mostly. Some other lose screw from my past probably, but there it is. This is a perfect reason for me to be married...to a guy. But Nabal is the type of guy that doesn't like talking to woman particularly, even about things he likes. He was brought up to only have male friends and women were for housework. Well and bedroom fun...any time he wants.

Hell I picked the wrong guy! And I knew it. People always say if you choose with your heart you will choose a foolish thing. Well, I'm here to say choosing with your head isn't doing me any favors either. Maybe even worse. Live it's a decision. I decided to overlook a lot for a long time, and so did he. But there has always been something missing, something I worked extra hard at that shouldn't have always needed to be work. Choosing solely with your head, I think, sucks just as bad or worse than with your heart.

Mother's Day...

Yes I'll be gone. No I don't want any visit. Today I got my first mother's day card from my husbands...in 20 years. Of course showy. Not signed. And a chocolate bar. Oh the lengths he goes to to be the shy little boy who is trying... I'm out of here, he'll be drunk before I'm half way there and pass out after I've turned in for an early morning. And he'll still wake before I do and go to work.

Tax Day

The day you bite the bullet and do the drunk's business taxes (even though you are not a tax preparer) so you don't lose you're house when the drunk gets in trouble.

Get it somewhere close and together so he will finally take them to be done.

This has been going on since January! Me telling him to get his things together and go early. Him 3 weeks ago pulling out the old adding machine to find it broken. Bought a new one...that I now get to use.

Got to figure out how to get my name off his company! And his name off my house!!

Petty Tactics

You're stuck down at the bottom. Down on the ground, and you're trying to keep me here with you. -Nabal

That was said when I wouldn't quit my job and work in his deli. Last week his deli very abruptly closed. He made a bad judgment call, got into it with the owner. (to whom Nabal lent $5000!) He did report that the man was harsh. I was thinking at the time: Someone not to do business with, and that it would end badly.

The man has an Asian wife that he berates as she works in his store.

The story goes that the man's rather large dog died. He asked Nabal to transport it to his father's farm. The dog had been dead in its crate for several days. (Probably because the man has no friends because of his personality.)

Nabal got to the farm where three father had a backhoe dug hole waiting. Nabal backed up to it and flipped the cage into said hole. The man, who was present, went ballistic. I'm a dog lover...I get it.

Now Nabal...did not understand. He doesn't understand crating animals when you aren't home. He sees it as abuse. He asked me what else he could have done. Well there were four men there...all he had to do was ask the owner. Just bad, adle minded, alcohol soaked bad judgment! Then he stopped by the store, which he did not have to do. Three guy wanted to fight. I reminded him nicely that the man, by Nabal's admission, was a rather rough person. Nabal's response: I'm not his wife! Telling...very telling.

Last night, sloshed as usual. Nabal decided to profess his undying love... He said much that included he'd never abuser me again. Mind you I have never accused him to his face of abuse. Also reminding that he mentioned abuse even before I put it together... He woke me from sleep. He was sitting on the sofa, very much invading my space trying to drunkenly embrace me while belching in my face. Bleck!! Then says I'm acting as if he has abused me. He finally stalked off saying he did not abuser his wife. He would never beat his wife!

Bares out Mr.Bancroft. One abusers style upsets another abuser. As long ad its not physical...it's not abuse for Nabal. As long as he's not brow beating, it's not abuse. His style? Misguided love...product of his upbringing. He uses all the excuses, just never tries to change anything. He said last night if I really wanted him to stop drinking- I'd need to come home and not work. But all in all, he'd be hard on all of us. Very hard.

I personally believe he knows. Knows what he does. Knows how he used to make me feel...us feel. After all he was the one that gave me the clue. The clue by the way I did not pick up on! But I now believe he was worried. I was just looking at the alcoholism and going to ALANON meetings and reading their booka. I couldn't understand why they were mostly urging to remain unless it would stop them possibly. Why and how so many were still madly in live with their drunks... I think, looking back, if it were only drinking...I could have possibly loved through some of it. It was the reading of the excerpts from 'Why Does He Do That' by Lundy Bancroft, that a wonderful woman posted on an online alcoholic support group. That was ringing truer. Once I read that alcohol doesn't make people mean, rather abusers use alcohol as a shield! I got it! The book and the concept.

Nabal is still trying to get me to come home and be dependent. At the beginning the year he had more than $20,000 in his checking account. He dislikes savings accounts... He now has a few hundred and bounced a check not long ago. Money runs away from this man. I pull about $2,000 a month for house bills. Money was constantly coming in...

Tax time! I have to take back my complaint. He took the taxes to a preparer. Oh what a mess! I wouldn't even sign the check for that.he put himself down as single for starters. He went to a hispanic preparer. I won't cast dispersion on every hispanic tax preparer, but there is a certain class... Last time he felt with some like her- he owed $5,000 to the IRS. They deduct stuff that haven't been deductible in decades. Some other people who used the preparers owed twice that. They are making money on the heads of their own people who can't do business themselves!

That Strange Coat

That strange coat and the comforter, to this day day still languish in the living room. I finally asked Nabal whose coat it was. He started the story blaming our boy. Not exactly blaming, but setting it all up as- if it weren't for him talking to the lady...nothing that ensued would have happened. Tricky...

The woman is the mother of a boy he went to school with. Nothing explaining how Nabal got into that whole conversation. She was old, could barely make it...he had to invite her in to take a load off. She had no where to go... So she sat down.

I ran that description by the kids-all a big fat lie.

I let him get further into his story before I called him out on the fact that they were all partying till 5a.m. Funny he stumbled for words, his eyes went crazy looking for help. Finally he replied, yes, but only because I wasn't with him. Good play, but not good enough!

The next thing you know in comes another woman. A woman from Baltimore...with a big wide butt who wanted to go to his room. Oh, but he wasn't wanting all that!

But you drank with then? You let them into our house? Don't you think you need to check your drinking doing questionable things like that?

No. It's because I'm lonely. I need you, I need you to love me. (he was down on his knees...) Not diverting this conversation!

"Do you know that other woman asked to go to the bathroom and when I looked all my money was gone! She got $1,500! No, I'd spent $500, so she stole $1,000 from my night stand! It was a set up I'd forgotten about from the old days. (Payback is a bitch...) Then she comes out and says she doesn't like the house and is leaving. Never thought of it until I realized my money was gone."

No...this doesn't only happen in movies. What went on from there was him explaining to me how it was at the core my fault...but he could forgive.

I pointed out that he'd left everything as I'd he had no part in it, why? His reply was- So that you could see what had happened. Still all laying there... Everything left like the woman just stood up.

I didn't mention the driving of the 'other' woman to the bootleg after hours beer joint, and he didn't include that either. That's for a later rehashing to get him more flustered.

It's spring, I need to get over that pull my house has. I plan to do, then once I walk in a shadow comes over me. I want to do nothing at all. All of us feel it. It lulls us- your tired, nothing will help, it's too much to conquer. Got to put on my big girl panties and unload the house! It's like a weight, an anchor pulling me down to dreamy depths. Convinced I'll never overcome it. Need a shake up! One thing I've got to shake- whenever anything is accomplished Nabal commanders it as something done expressly for him... Got to shake caring about that. The house is dusty and dirty and filled with things from years gone by that need to go. So we can all breath again and function like humans! We've let it all, I've let it all take a toll on my dignity. It has to stop here, or I'll die like this- stuck where I don't want to be, secluding myself, damaging the kids more. Thus has to be a year of strength. I'll work through the summer where I am, looking for something...closer? It's time to be done with all this. Time to move on literally and figuratively.

Monday

I have been holding off, ducking, writing. Not because there's not something to put down in words, but because I had to let it all sink in.

It's procrastination time! Tax time does make time run faster... Or easier to find more junk to fill time.

Nabal is fairly out of control. His answer, to me at least, is all he needs is me in his bed and everything will become normal again. I'm the sole cause, impetus and reason behind all of his behavior.

I was met several weeks ago upon arriving home by kids with a story. At onset I assumed Nabal had had another party in the house. But...

Beyond my wildest imaginations... My girl was asleep before an early morning work shift. my boy was out on the back patio with a few of his friends around the fire. They heard a loud crash around the corner, and when they looked up there was Nabal tearing up the street in his little red truck. Seconds later Nabal pulled said truck into the back yard. He and another very drunk man stumbled out. They were running from the police!

There were no police. The story went- He, Nabal, had been at a club downtown dancing and partying with young men our son's age. For some reason (drunks don't need much of one) Nabal got into a fight with some guy at the club. The bouncers/security tried to break it up- Nabal beat up the security guard... The police were called.

Enter Nabal fleeing from the nonexistent police when he crashed into a parked car...and left the scene. This was a little after 2a.m.

Miracle of miracles, no one saw anything... Why is it that he leads a charmed life?

Our boy took him to task. As Nabal gleefully told his story the teenager caught him up short pointing out how he had just hit someone's property. Nabal's response: What do I care?! Not my problem.

The teen let years of suppressed issues fly. This is a kid who counted on fairness as a child. He pointed out that they should have had this talk years ago, but as he being a teen son and Nabal being 50, he should be the lecturee, not the lecturer. He hit on Nabal running around with teens while acting like one himself. Driving drunk, then ridiculously drunk. Getting into fights. Smoking weed in front of them since they could remember. He told Nabal that if he needed to be a teen, he could very well leave.

Nabal was shocked! "But if I leave you won't have me to help you anymore! You'll be nothing with no one to love you!"

Nabal decided he needed to taker his very drunk friend home. (the audience of him being berated) The guy could barely stand, but he knew enough to know Nabal was to drunk to drive. Nabal jumped into his Amigo (yes the one that has never been fixed correctly to take on the road...) Telling the guy to "shut up and get in."

The boys had to physically remove Nabal from the vehicle to stop him. They afterwards took the man home.

The argument with Nabal continued until 5 in the morning... Nabal did threaten to fight the boy. (Yes, his son who he sees as a threat now and always.) Thank God his friends were there.

When asked why he confronted the drunk he replied: Whenever I wait until the next day he denies everything!

Nabal also tried his sure fire tactic of dredging up the past to shame the other person and divert the conversation. Sorry the whole mess happened, but validation is a good feeling. It is his go to maneuver!

Meanwhile last week, not realizing I knew the story, Nabal asked me to track down a rear and front bumper for his truck... I feigned ignorance and asked why. Nabal replied, "Someone hit it." By someone, he means himself. By hit it, he means he hit it into something else... Oh the web of lies! Needless to say, I did nothing.

The worst is that we don't see how well trained we are. No police were called to report him... I told my boy to watch his back. Nabal won't let this go. I saw it in his eyes later.

That same boy left his teen years behind. I had a little gathering for a few of his old friends. Nabal stumbled in at midnight, oblivious to the date and barely walking. He made an ass of himself. He always has to be the life of the party, the coolest one there. Our girl got him on video asking her if his newly procured weed was any good... An hour later he was chastising her for smoking weed... Crazy making!

Enough for one sitting. I hate to write this... Why can't we fight back against one drunk? Why do we bend and break the laws of decency to protect a person who uses us all up and spits us out? For his only love.

Thursday

I'm rest broken. Nabal was very drunk every night I was home. His new thing is to come downstairs late at night to profess his undying love...

How the heck does he drink till 3 every night, yet can still get up early every morning?! That two ended candle has to come with a steep price...

Last night was not good... Nabal kept coming downstairs, and every time with a different personality. It started with him advising me that I was his wife. Also that I had to have his approval to go anywhere. WTH? He immediately chuckled and said he was joking. Just odd.

He came back later stumbling. Sat down and tried to hug me. Saying again I was his wife and he wanted me in his life. Then he started going on and on about sex. Suddenly he said I belonged to him... Then got very handsie, aggressive and groping. I pushed him away and said stop. He did desist, then asked why I was always so mad. Why I was always hitting and slapping him. ??? That did make me mad! I told him I had never hit or slapped him. He said, you just did, you're abusive. I said (minds working putting it all together) I pushed you away, I did not hit you nor slap you, nor have I ever. From there he went on to say I was the problem. He was going to get me the way he wanted and I'd be happy. I was stuck in a hole and he wasn't going to stay stuck there with me. He was leaving!

He stomped off upstairs where I heard much coming and going from his room and out the front door. It got quiet then I heard him stir again. He again came back downstairs... I love you baby. Please please please come sleep with me tonight. Huh?

Game explanation: scare me, try to make me feel I'm the bad abuser. Return the benevolent accepting wronged lover. He disappeared and pass out. Thank goodness!

Move to today:
There was a coat thrown in a chair in the living room that was unfamiliar to me. I asked my girl if it was her brother's. (I was a little put out that he'd left it crumpled there.) She said she did not know. I said I'd ask my boy. (He purchased good coats this winter and I was going to get on him for not taking care of them.) Shopping tonight with both of them it came to my mind. He said it was not his, but want acting quite right. I continued to ask until he cracked.

Over the weekend he had been standing in front of the house talking with some of his friends. (it's what you do when your dad is a drunk who feels the need to commander all the young men to teach them manliness in off color stories) Some woman walking down three street stopped to ask them for a cigarette. While giving her one they saw Nabal come bouncing out the house. "And who is this pretty lady?" My boy explained that the woman was neither pretty, nor a lady. She was by sight a crack addict. Next thing you know he took her in our house. Later another woman joined them. (for a little party) At 3a.m. Nabal had our boy drive one of the women to a bootleg beer place. He said once he got back he had to sleep. He figured if the crack whores wanted to steal anything they just would... At 5a.m. Nabal was needing more beer... One crack head slept on the sofa...the other one? No one knows.

He knew they were crack heads as they were talking about crack, and one was itchy and cold. My girl said when she saw them come in...she knew it was time for her to go. Did she? Yes she did- went and spent the night with a friend.

Of course he will deny everything. Next week I will ask him who's coat it is. Just like I know nothing. Just to see what he'll say.

Again I repeat- his ONLY love is alcohol. Not family, not his own character. (who you are when you think no one its watching)

Now what? Do I need to put up cameras? In my state, unless I have physical proof, there is no adultery.

He and Isela still talk often. She, not realizing Nabal had given his smart phone to our boy when his broke, sent her picture to him. Imagine his surprise! At least she was clothed this time...

And yet Nabal says he does nothing wrong ever!

I still can't figure if the kids were trying to protect Nabal or my feelings... They shouldn't have to do either.

Nabal is opening a deli in a gas station. He has a friend doing all the work. I told him now her really needs a bookkeeper. Maybe once he realizes he no longer needs me to do that for him, he'll move on.

All this comes at a time when I was feeling frustrated, tired and wondering if I were in the wrong. Every time I get to this point, something comes along to prove I'm not wrong in my thinking, remembrances and beliefs. It's just taking so dang long to be done with all of this.

Tuesday

Aaaaaaaahhhhhh! He's trying to suck me in again!

Now Nabal its opening a deli in the infamous gas station. Yes that gas station... He wants to open this weekend! His resume: He had never worked in a restaurant! And knows nothing about running one. He asked if I could make him flyers, make him a sign... Did I want to go look at the space. He is going to employe our girl. Why yes, she does already have Job and dislikes food service, her first job.

He wanted to know if I knew of a slaughter house west of town. You know, the one some guy tools him about. He wants heads for his tacos.

Thus could very well be a nightmare! He has no food handling health license of any kind. I'm sure hasn't spoken to the city, board of health, nothing. He is a person who flaunts rules. They stand in his way. He's going to gather some guys who cook well. Undoubtably, some drinking buddies.

I hope he does do well. Really! First lady that bats her lashes at him, he'll be gone.

Ok, I am avoiding bring depressed. I try to find that happy medium of working towards getting out of this mess, and not dwelling on the fact that I'm not being listened to. Its hard, scary and confusing. This change in Nabal, not really a change per se but a change in strategy, is hard to grasp. That is until he gets drunk and claims he's never done anything against me. Its me who has been a vile person he has had to live with. Fine, I'm ready and willing for a divorce. No...I love you and we are going to die together. We need to stick together for the kids. I'll fall apart and become a bum and it'll be all your fault. I'm making money again, now you'll like me better.

I know its all a head game. I know its just his shifting from point to point trying to find a soft spot. I keep the game face if front of him, its when I'm alone in my thoughts with no sounding boards that I crack. That I feel the waves crashing, the undertow. The hopeless feelings that any fight is futile. That even if I manage to get out he'll not let it rest. Its the unknown, the what if. Here it is again the big roadblock in my life- fear. To overcome fear, I adopt numbness. Has my life failed because of fear and giving up far too easily? In retrospect...yes. Some people seem to get second chances, my screwups always seem to be set in stone. If I don't get it right the first time, it's done. Maybe because I have had to accept so much as a child I learned not to feel. I remember crying myself to sleep every night because I felt unwanted. I had to live somewhere else, away from my family. At 8 you can't grasp that you are caught in another's life lesson. All I could see was that though I knew I was loved by some, no over could help.

I know...get over it. I have pushed it all down for so many years. There's only one person in life I ever came closer to telling it all to. Most people don't have time or inclination to care. I think I come off so 'normal' they either believe I've gotten through or don't want to deal with it. I wasn't abused. Many people have come through worse. The friend I disclosed what I realized at the time so long ago to this day explains me as broken. Broken inside. That about sums it up.

I know I need insight. I know I need help. I've tried duct tape. Humor, deep deep down, I do think that's the only way most people will accept me. When 'Tears of A Clown' comes on the radio. When 'Comfortably Numb' starts...I feel understood. Mostly I feel I'm being a cry baby, and not putting on my big girl panties and doing what I need to do. Not just getting over old news and dealing with it. How do I do that?

I can remember as long as I can testing new friends. Pushing them away, being argumentative. I don't consciously think of it as a test. Inside I'm aghast! But i can't stop myself. I think at that point I feel attachment to them, I push. Why? To see if they'll stay... Not a good way to live. It's a broken way.

Tuesday

8:30 a.m.
When I arrived last night I assumed Nabal was asleep. (yes, yes, I'm the ass)

I heard Nabal come in the backdoor, crashing through the kitchen. I could tell he was very drunk by the amount of things banging against walls and hitting the floor. Down the steps he came giggling to the basement. I noticed the light going on. I didn't know the hour, but I did know it was late. I thought he would realize that and go up to his bed and pass out. He didn't. "I wanted to be good tonight when you got in, but I messed up. I'm real drunk! Can I sleep with you? I love you. Can I kiss you?" Them it got more graphic accompanied by the blocking of his hands and pushing him away... I heard snoring...passed out.

I got my glasses and looked at the time- 3:40 a.m. and now I'm awake! I shoved him off my legs, he never stirred, stuck there half off the sofa propped by the coffee table at his knees. He was very pale..

Awake and mad as hell, his phone was in the wrong place...

He's paying people to bring the protege back...poor guy. And Nabal struck up a conversation with, and is asking pictures of and trying to get the protege's sister to come up too! Poor girl...he'd kill their whole family.

I thought Nabal was in the backyard and had probably passed out there, from all the nose. He then awakened, and staggered inside. I remember thinking to myself that it was probably the last night he risked the chance of freezing to death, passed out in his truck. When I went out to take the boy to work his now battered truck was behind my truck.

He could barely walk, passed out almost as soon as he came in, awoke a short time later and went upstairs to his bed- passing out yet again. All this considered, he had driven his truck home...I think. He asked if I'd seen one of his workers outside. Its snowing.

He was awake when I got back. He, wanted a big hug. I brushed by. He started pouting and asking why I was mean. Yeah not much patience in me right now. When I angrily replied, he 'good Naturedly' laughed at my... 'making much ado about nothing.' He asked if he weren't nice when he woke me up. He just kept chuckling. Finally he stated that I talked to him. He does see what he wants to see. Then stated he 'thought' he was still drunk. Ya think?!

He followed me back downstairs asking where he'd left his coat. His keys. His hat. Funny...he never mentioned his phone! Give me a kiss goodbye! No. He's looking for a wife to mommy his drunkenness.

I'm just recording this craziness. I never mention it to anyone anymore. I'm sure most people think I'm crazy. I have just pushed a few away. I felt I was letting them down too.

Last week Nabal decided we needed to date again. I decided not. Nabal asked if I 'liked him' still. I told him he'd made himself pretty unlikable the past few years. He was in shock! Did I really think that?! He didn't see it. He was never leaving me. Again with the wanting to die together. He wanted me to see him die. He would win me back... Let me tell you how that talk chills the blood. He's going to live his reality until I give up... But what is the alternative? What will he do if I push my reality into reality? Will he get dangerous? He's shown that side before without actually laying a finger on me... I don't have friends or family. Yes I'm back on Facebook...under duress. People take that so personally when you leave. I'm back, but checking it so minimally that Facebook sends me emails to get me to look! My big break was really my last push off to a best friend. No one knows how to help and things just get weird... Being back there still feels all wrong. I don't feel sociable. In the old days you could push people away and not have to see their lives go on. Ahh, the misfit toy laments.

Time to end this. I'm rest broken and over thinking my pity pay.

Monday

If I have to pick my clothes up...why do I need a wife?

Many comments like this have come to mind. I vaguely remember these comments and what I thought when I heard them. I was sad that he thought the only value of a wife...of me, was to save him doing 'women's work.'

I've been reading 'Trauma Release Exercises' and just reading the theory behind it has allowed me to ditch so much angst. Loving it!

When I got home tonight he just started in like we were all chummy chummy. "Good week? No hug hello? Come on upstairs and sleep...with me. No? Kiss goodnight pretty lady?!" To be honest I just stared at him in disbelief. Trying to reset reality. Its like sandpaper, like a lathe, like a plane set to deep; trying to ware me down. I think to turn back from here...would take some serious drugs, like permanently mind altering, amnesiac, Stepford inducing drugs.

Of course he won't give up easily, I've been making allowances, ignoring, and buying whatever crap he comes up with for more than 20 years! He figures that deep inside somewhere, part of me wants to go back to the old Strepford wifie me. I stopped drinking the KoolAid and I'm clean and recovering.

I long for a clean break, him going his way and I mine.

Snowy Wednesday

Snowed in with a drunk Nabal...

I have such a weird system, always have. I can feel a cold coming on for days and as soon as I have a day off, wam out hits me! Two days of feeling like crap, but this morning when I woke up I knew I felt much better. And just as suddenly tonight its time to crash.

Enter Nabal, that all evening has talked of nothing but alcoholic drinks...even with the kids! When I was feeling fine he asked of I wanted tequila. 'It would fix me right up!' I have never liked shots of tequila...ever. Mixed in, yes.

'Beer would fix me right up!' Yes there's a pattern here, sigh...

Nabal tells of some guy working for him. Specifically mentions that the man is 2 years his junior, but has a large gut. Didn't take long to wonder where that was going. Yet again he's drinking with the help. The man got so sick he had to be admitted to the hospital. Another man had to come tell Nabal that the man was sock and couldn't drink. Yes...folks have to get on Nabal, because he brow beats people about drinking. The man was so sick he didn't know his friends for days...

They drank again...the guy feel on his face later. Literally. Damaged it so much that Nabal thought he may have a broken jaw!

So back to the whole set up of thus man bring younger by 2 years. Is he proud that the alcohol doesn't cause him such obvious issues?

So I wipe out when I've been sick like a car running out of gas. Here comes Nabal...juiced. Talking all over himself. Made my head hurt and my gut twist. "Will you rib my back? It hurts." "No." Can I run your back? I have strong hands." "No."

"I went dancing this week. I was dancing. (does seated demonstration) I'm so sorry baby!" "For what? I don't care." "What do you mean you don't care? I'm your husband! You have to care!"

"Can I sleep with you tonight?" (we do remember I've been sick for 2 days and am at wipe out point now?)

"So you nit going to drink with me no more?" By this he doesn't mean have a drink. He means get plastered. Then I assume he'd want the kids getting plastered with him too. Drunks don't want to help anyone; they just want to pull everyone else down to their level so they can feel better about their own demons.

His issues may not be as obvious as some of his friends...believe me he has issues.

He ran off, presumably to do as spurns as he said- to go to sleep. He's still running around upstairs so I assume he ran of to drink more beer. He's not bothering me...and that's a good thing.

Monday

It's those little things that make the alcoholic home so mind boggling.

My girl has been sick off and on this week. Once I got into town I got a list of things she needs, and went to the store before I went home.

Deposited the necessities to her. Cleaned up the pile of dishes, and noticed the beer bottle in the paper bag in the trash. I knew, that Nabal was drunk.

I took a glass of juice to my sick girl and while I was seeing what else she needed...Nabal made his appearance. He was running around like a young child. Talking gibberish and begging attention. He told me of being sick all week himself. He said he'd emptied one and a half bottles of Nyquil that week. "So why are you drinking?" He giggled and mumbled something. Said it wasn't a cold really but blamed on the dust where he was working... So why take the cold medicine?

Nabal's room door was open, I could hear mariachi music playing...from his headphones! Ahh yes, clearly he was very drunk.

"Can I have a hug? Pleeeeeease!"
"No."
"Can I have a hug and kiss?"
"No."

Nabal ran over and tried to hug me. (I blocked his drunken attempts at groping)

"Want to come sleep with me tonight?"
"No."
He giggled and ran off back to his room and shut the door.

In all this, what gets me the most is that he doesn't even think to treat this like his family. Never dawns on him that it's not just my job only to care for sick family members. Even when I was down with the flu last year I was pretty much on my own. He would ask what I needed only if he was sober...which isn't very often.

Just a big dysfunctional mess! Something has got to give...

A Snowy Night

I would have ask myself why my habitually drunk driving husband is begging all of us for a ride to the trailer park. If I didn't already know the answer.

My girl told me today that he was FINALLY pulled over! (why hadn't I heard of this?) Nabal evidently name dropped a pretty powerful client's name. (he was probably working for the man that day.) The officer let him go if he promised to go straight home! WTF?!?

I see this as a 'warning' to him... The week before Nabal boasted to my boy that he never got caught at anything because he was too smart. (he believes all the smart and wealthy people he works for are idiots since they can't do what he does...) He claimed he was too smart to get caught) Famous last words I'd say! And its thus really what you say to any son, much less a son who did get caught breaking the law and has turned himself around? I truly believe he holds the belief that add long as you don't get caught, anything is permissible... A sad standard to pass along to any child. I had always thought him better...

So tonight the temperatures are headed for the single digits and its been snowing all day. The roads are dangerously slick and authorities have asked everyone to stay off the streets. The malls even closed early. Why would a father ask his wife and kids to go out? To get him beer of course! So thoughtful... Yes alcohol is his only love.

He claims to have bought another car. He wants my girl and I to go to Brazil with him to the soccer gold cup. And! He wants to know if I want to buy another house...with him. We are a couple so we have to do everything together. Maybe he'll buy a farm. Not listening to me in the least!

Tonight he's drinking tequila. He told me not to worry, he still owned me. Because we were married. WTF? I replied that married people do not 'own' one another. He said since the Bible says two become one, that equals ownership. Oh, and he's the boss. Crazy S.O.B.

He just informed me he was so drunk last night that he peed his pants... Remind me why I should care. Oh, because he didn't have any clean to use today. Did he not grande some that had not been peed in?! Its now the middle of the night. And he wore urine soaked pants to work today. Them he comes to tell me, not what he wants washed, but how many and...trying to instruct me. Grrrr! Told him I didn't need his help and for him to take care of his own business, he informed me I was his business. Then told me I always got mad when he was just trying to help and 'be' with me... Oh the subterfuge!

He stomped off the victim, but he did go away.

Its the slow season at work. May be time to move on so I can get the heck out of here. At least get him out. Well, try. I doubt very much he'll go willingly. Last well he made me so mad. If we split the children will be sad seeing their farther go downhill. He can't make it without me. Flattery? Being the victim? All of the above I believe. He's just pulling a Hoover. But its still tinged with covert intimidations. No, he will never take no for an answer...

Wednesday

And in the light of day: I've made my hands busy and my mind numb, albeit disgusted, cleaning this filthy house. The kitchen floors were black and sticky from drunken cooking and spilled beer. (gosh sound like reading fiction, but alas its my kitchen floor...) The living room floor was much the same from tracked dirt and muck. Its the same as it looked when I cleaned at Christmas... Its always like this and at times I walk by to see if anyone, Nabal, will snap the hell out of it and take ownership. Nope. Its 'women's'work. Period.

Nabal came in while I was going over the kitchen floor for the second time. He smiles sheepishly...saying, "Hi chicita." Solicited if I needed the trash taken out. Told him he could do what he felt like doing. (I refuse to be his mothere, his conscience, or his taskmaster.) He grabbed food left over from the night before. Asked if he could take it... Then asked for a hug goodbye. (this is what infuriates me!) Stood there with outstretched arms. I kept mopping. He leaned over and tried to kiss my arm.

Now he's the poor victim of mean old me... Grrrrrrr! Damn head games!

Tuesday

Nabal drank a 24 pack of beer this evening. All by himself. I haven't been writing because...I'm just tired. Tired of it all. Tried of the fight, the journey, all of it. The holidays were busy at my job, but now it will slow. Today I cleaned. There were clods of dirt and a film of dirt on all the floors. Clods of sort that fall out of the soles of work boots.

Nabal was in high gear tonight. I tried to get him to go to sleep by telling him he'd had too much to drink. He informed me there was no such thing as too much beer...he loves it. No truer word escaped his lips ever.

He was up for a fight tonight. The kids and I got street tacos tonight. He claimed not to want any. Said he wanted to die and was not going to eat again. He than went upstairs and ate...

I say he's had to much to drink; he says he drank more and faster the week before. So much so that the next morning he threw up twice, filling two grocery bags. Sorry to be woefully gross...just being accurate.

Again he stated he wanted us to die together. And yes he means at the same time... I know my blood pressure is though the roof.

We have been married 21 years and I'm stuck with my decision. Just need to deal with the situation and start sleeping with him again... Can I play with your tits?

Its a miracle I don't drink! (me)

"I love you, you love me. I like you, you like me. You are my wife and are being mean to me...everyone is mean to me. You are my wife."

Margarita sounds better and better.

My girl let's me know she's taking a girl friend home. He says quietly he wants to take her keys away. Why? She's got boys in her room all the time he replies. (because I work out of town) She has friends over, both boys and girls. I've talked to her brother and the door is open and he knows the kids and is there also, or in and out. Nabal claims he heard a male voice and waited in the hall for him to come out. Finally our boy took the boy outside. Upon my asking...it never happened. I don't believe her brother would lie for her. Sadly they aren't that close... I really do wish she were off to college. She does have a TV...we all wonder if that is what he hears. He says one night he will kill some one of these boys...

He sat down to 'talk' with me. He could hardly walk. He turned to me and belched in my general direction as soon as he was seated.

I know you've said I have been mean to you, but it is you who have been mean to me...you've never been with me. Nabal began his confabulations. Any and all of the past herein written is now solidly denied. Its a time I need to 'get over' and get back to bed. He'd like to go sit on the bed and talk, just sit. If we get tired we could recline, fall asleep even. Just sleep, I deserve to sleep in my own bed. Then if you like, I'll touch you all over. (big stupid grin) "I'll get you back one day. I'm gonna get you back to me good. You may not like it, but I'm gonna make you my wife again. You'll see. Then I'll have you back in my bed. (etc. vulgarities) I love you. Give me a kiss, on the lips. Please!"

It all makes me numb. Cold. My head hurts. But still not as bad as when he's sober and pretends and denies. Then my hands shake and my heat races. Which is worse?

This damn healthcare! He wants it very badly, but wants it as a family. I'm trying to separate myself from him...not sign up for more with him. He seems scared because its mandatory...our its it just manipulatory chaos?

He needs company insurance and has for months. He called me in all urgency this weekend asking me if I knew of anyone... Why would I? He needs me to call around because he needs it yesterday... Chaos maker!

Just figured out that knitting is therapeutic. I knit and my mind tunes out. I find it hard to throw two thoughts together lately. I find I don't want to talk to people. They can't help. Many feel sad and say its life- A cross to be bared. Others are sad, and wonder why and what I wait for to have done with it. No...none can help. Many times I call people out of obligation of being a friend-because I should.

I have found out group therapy is available for a fraction of the cost of one on one. I need to locate one on a day I'm in town. My head and thoughts are so cloudy these days. I hardly ever get headaches, but now they are more and more common. I imagine...I'm in a hopeless situation. If a person will deny what you know is truth. If a person makes effort to pretend nothing is amiss- what will they do when the end of the game is called? To my thinking...they will go on pretending. Not taking seriously. Nor respecting. Just change the subject and continue pretending or snap. Nabal, tonight feigned to fall sideways...onto me. He wouldn't move, he is a strong man. That's when he asked and tried to touch my breasts. I blocked him. He held my hand, and wouldn't let it go. He laughed quietly and let it go, but not before he said, "I'm stronger than you. Don't forget it."

Did your blood run cold? My own did, and that's why I haven't had done with this crap yet. A good reminder, when I begin to doubt myself as to if its emotional abuse, or if I've just painted him wrongly as such. He reminds me it is.