Sunday

Fastest bottle in the west! Preach a sermon at 3 and stone cold drunk and high by 8. Living in a house with him is like living with on of those aweful dates every woman has when they are teens. Some guy who has a thousand hands and is trying to not so skillfully kiss you as you try to stay out of their grasp. At least then you could call your mom to come rescue you... I had the lovely opportunity to talk to a childhood friend I hadn't been in touch with for over 20 years. He was sneaking uo on me trying to kiss me on the mouth while I was talking. Trying to touch me innappropriatly while I was distracted. This doesn't have anything to do with romance. He tries to grab a breast or butt then runs off giggling. It's a game more like he's saying this is mine and I can touch it if I want to. He really is trying to wear me down. Then while I'm talking he's talking to me. "U will sleep with me tonight." My most used word today was, NO! I'm lucky also in that I studied martial arts as my relfexes are fast.

Tonight he tried to 'tell' me I wasn't to sleep downstairs. Then he starts to sound like he cares, "Its your house, your bed." (I really didn't feel so hot and wanted the cool basement tonight.) Then he flips on a dime and says if I continue to sleep in the basement he's moving out of the house. Promises, promises!

Just found out that a dear friend's child who I know well had her abusive husband leave her with 2 babys... I don't wish this on my worse enemy.

Don't know if I ever wrote down that the children told me that any time I left the house Nabal would get a belt and abuse our son, but not our girl. They, as small children one day got together and hid the belt from him until I found it last year. The latest backlash of his trying to separate their confidence in each other is that they have not spoken to each other for months. They are trying now, but neither wants to be the first to break. The books say that these bonds are stronger than an abuser's abuse. God willing!

Saturday

I have never realized until now how much my children occupy my mind and keep me from being depressed over all this. I'm feeling like I'm a burden to friends. Who wants to hear this crap day in, day out. Year after year. I'm so tired. I see some friends who run the other way. Why? I really don't know, but in my mind either they don't care or this makes them squeemish and uncomfortable. Or they weren't very good friends anyway. The problem is that they are some of the only ones that can really hurt me... I have got to pull myself out of this and soon. Holding on till school starts, then the kids won't be at loose ends. I'm in essence a single parent living with a very adroit accuser. Nabal, I found out actually asked our 14 year old daughter if she wouldn't like to go downtown and hang out. It was 11 o'clock at night! I was out of town at a reunion for the day. If the child would have gotten in trouble Nabal would have said it was my fault for being absent and not about my job as a mother. I thank only God she had better sense than to take such a tempting offer. Nabal is lying and trying to twist my words at every turn. He said the other night that when we first married I said I would never leave our bed. I told him I couldn't imagine any conversation we would have had that that would have been said... He's being more aggressive. He's 'stealing' kisses then runs off like a school boy. He touches inappropriatly then walks away with a smile of the cat that ate the canery. Always with his stupid sing song, "Mama, why you always so mad?" Then walks away chuckling. All this tourment amuses him! I can see it in his face. He is pretty sure I'm going to get tired one day and give in. He even the other night lied and told me our boy (17) asked him why mommy is always so mad when they get home from work. I know that's BS and hip deep. My son and I are both mad as hell having to live with this man and be beholding to him. Nabal knows nothing of our conversations. One more year so that Nabal won't be able to mess up our boys last year of school since he orchestrated a lie to get him into this other school district.

I have to make some headway. I am starting to have a little voice way in the back of my mind that asks, "Would giving in really be all that bad? It's not like he's physically violent. Just go under again and his mind games can't hurt you." I may be able to do another 10 years, maybe. Or I might get to 5 and blow my own F*cking head off to get away from him. I only toy with this tho. There are 2 things that stay my hand. The first is God, I know he's got me. No matter how hard it gets. Second I would not leave that legacy for my children. I can't be that selfish. I know that I'm falling deep. I fix food, but don't have a taste for any. I think, but thoughts can't find a place to rest. Sleep is my friend, but most often I can not find it. Lethargy, is well, a way of life. My life as I have lived it will benefit from a job, forsaking setting up my own company for a time. My ethic is to do a job and do it well. That in itself gives me clear proof of my worth, no matter what any one or any of the depressing inner voices speak. I have to pull myself up, dust myself off, and thanks to my long legs give myself a swift kick. I've never been able to count on anyone ever. Why believe I can now.

Thursday

It has truly been a fun week... NOT! Nabal... why does every bad sentence have to begin with that name. The grass and his insistence on getting into my space. The grass has been a bone of contention, well for me at least. I was cutting the front a few days ago. Nabal comes home and asks me if I want help. If... He went in his room closed the door and talked on the phone, then studied his Bible lesson... It got very hot and I left the rest for the next day. Wednesday I get in from church to a rip snorting drunk Nabal. He calls me and tells me he's got a black snake. When the grass gets too high we get mice. Mice bring snakes. I had figured that there were snakes already, he just confirmed it. Nabal asks do I want it. NO! Just put it into the woods and cut the damn grass! He comes in later staggering. "The snake bit me." He was smiling. "He didn't bite me like it was mad, just that it wanted me to let it go." I saw it, told him to wash it and put Neosporine on it. He looks very earnestly and says, "It's ok it wasn't venomous." Drunks... I was talking on the phone almost never am. Nabal wanders down to shower. I noticed he didn't have anything with him but underwear. Nabal starts ranting about his phone. He is asking have I seen it, but he's asking in an accusatory tone. Always the game. He looks around, "Where are my pants?" He saw me take all his clothes I'd washed upstairs. They were all put away. I told him this, three times since he kept asking. "I don't want to go up there." I saw this game coming too. He wanted me to wait on him. Fine. "Any particular pajamas you want?" He curls his lip, "I don't want no nities! I want my jeans." I placed them in the bathroom as he took a bath. Oh, he asked me to come in the shower and rub his back. Then says, "I'll pay you." A&&hole! I went upstairs to do some things. I heard him bellowing. I ignored him. Later he bellows again, and by this time I'd hung up the phone. "Why did you bring me jeans? I need my nighties." I told him he'd asked for jeans. He laughs, that laugh when you are dealing with a child who isn't understanding things. "I don't know what your'e thinking. You got to pay attention to what your'e doing. I don't sleep in Jeans!" After he went and passed out I called my girlfriend back, she was worried after hearing him. When I told her about the whole jeans/nighty conversation she became quiet. "But he asked you for jeans. I heard him." I knew that he had, but with his confusional conversations he even fuddles me. Makes me wonder if I misread something. She told me no, you misunderstood nothing he plainly asked for jeans.

The next day I found out how Nabal was bitten. That was very unusual, he grew up handling snakes and I just chalked up the mistake to drunkenness. Our son tells me he successfully got the animal out of the yard, placed it on the ground. Then he tried to pet it. Yes, pet it...

Last night Nabal tries starts cutting grass at 12:30 a.m. He was going from one rant to the next... The realty lawyer was trying to screw us. Lawyers all play games. He hadn't asked for a lawyer, he wasn't paying one. He doesn't want to do anything in paperwork for our selling this rental property. I have known all along that this is so if anything goes wrong at any turn, he's not responsible. Never his fault. He informed me I was against him. He said that everyone was fighting for money and doing whatever they had to to keep it. I needed to side with him no mater what he decided to do. He's crazy as bat sh^t! Now he's talking about buying 100 acres in Honduras... Where the hell did that come from? Then he starts talking about opening a taco place in the gas station, yes, the one where the girl he was chasing works. Tells me I can make tamales on weekends and not have to work. Years ago when we were strapped I wanted to do that to make money. All he had to do was tell his friends. His answer, he wasn't going to beg his friends to buy anything. WTF, beg, I can make authentic tamales, hands down! Then he looks at me and says, "I'm thinking of sending you to nursing school." (Now mind you I just finished training that pays better than nursing... Told him flat out I wasn't doing that! He says sometimes you have to do what you don't want to. "Look at his pastor's wife." She hates that and her husband made her take that. She's now studying business... I told him she's not a nurse, she's a CNA. He gets snide and says, "What's the difference?" This is what I have to put up with! Crazy a$$, self serving, jerk!

Let me take a minute here. He explains all that girl chasing away as, "Yes I wanted her, but she didn't want me. I'm back!" So... if I said for instance that yes, I went after some man, he didn't want me so, no harm, no foul... I don't think that would go over the same. Gee, second best. Couldn't find anything better that wanted me. But I love youuuuuu, and I'm not going to leave you. Rats!!

Lawn Mower Saga

June 2008- New heavy duty Craftsman 675 series purchased on sale 40% off. Ironically it was a Father's Day sale. The only time I buy mowers. It worked like a dream on the just short of 1/2 acre partially sloped yard.

2009- Lawn mower still doing it's job, with or without it's bagger. Our boy and I split the yard work. Nabal and friends take over the yard load it with cars. He gets some down and out guy to cut the grass, but doesn't pay him. One evening while drunk Nabal moves one of the cars and decides to mow the tall grass where the car had been. The guy runs over a large stone from one of Nabal's jobs. I heard it. Next week our boy starts the mower and it vibrated and sounds like an airplane. The blade was bent. New one bought and put on. The vibration lessened but it was still there. A few weeksgo by Nabal drank for hours than decided he needed to cut a patch of grass. He ran into a few bricks. Back to the extreme vibration. The mower was unusable. I asked him to get it fixed. He said he was going to give it to his down and out friend. Really! The job my son was pretty happy doing came to a halt.

2010- I reminded Nabal of the mower needing to be fixed. He told me that I bought cheap junk and wasting money. He was going to Salvation Army and for $40 would buy a 'good' older mower that would last. I was incredulous! No mower will cut bricks!! He got his down and out friend back. They cut the grass all except around the house. For the first time in 14 years we had mice come in the house, and snakes in the yard. He always left the basement door wide open all the time. This he'd taken the screen door off years before. Gee, what does a snake like better than cold concrete on a hot day. I believe that never happened thank God!

2011- Grass still growing... along with weeds of all description including poison ivy. I didn't have these problems when I took care of the yard. This is only since Nabal took over. He and his cohorts claim to be versed in lawn care. Like every other hispanic? They only do what they are told no real knowledge. I told Nabal to take the mower to have it fixed. He refused. I guess by getting it fixed he'd admit it wasn't a piece of junk. He finally went to Walmart crying all the time about not having money. For $30 less than I paid... he bought the smallest Weed Eater brand mower they carry... The thing has idle consistancy issues and is about 5 inches smaller. He's the only one who uses it. That is until yesterday. The grass was ridiculous! Snakes were back. Nabal stays drunk or high almost every day. After struggeling with the the sloped front I finally loaded the Craftsman and took it to be fixed. Realized Nabal left it out all winter. I know I could have, I have given up. The year he made our yard hell for me with his drunk friends, cars and junk. Our lovely grill is trash. I love to cook out. He has completely wiped out anything for our family. His real allegance is unwillingly now, to his bottle and weed, but now I see that he has always had a selfish streak. A need to control by having me wait on him and take care of him like a child. Even at the expense of his own children.

Lately he has been trying to cajole me back into our bedroom. Always coming home, "Give me a kiss." He occasionally will try in a commanding voice to order me. He tries to hug and grope me. I'm still pretty quick, but it depresses me. The other night he said I was nice once and now I'm mean... He wants the elephant swept under the rug. My only emotion is hatred. I sent a message to a friend who once worked at a women's shelter. I need more than the I'm sorry of friends. I'm thankful for them, know they will weary of my not just walking. I know I'm depressed. I need professional help.

Sunday

I feel so sad, so trapped, so lonely. Nabal is trying to ramp up his campaign of getting me back to my old self. "I love you. You need to just give yourself to me. One of these days I'm going to get you." Last week he came I and said, "I've heard 'people' say they feel worse when they get treatments like you give." After I had been working all weekend. I saw it for what it was, a put down, a way of knocking me down a peg. I called him on exactly what people. None. Finally his whiney pastor.

Yesterday was Nabal's birthday. I took him to his favorite buffet. I made myself for the kids. Last year he spent the day drinking and texting his women. He spent my birthday begging Isela to send him nudie pics. Christmas he took pics of his Johnson. I need to remember all this. Why are they such convincing actors? He has wide eyed innocence down pat. Hell, I know it's all a game to him. Just another way of imposing his will, or trying. He'll say in passing this is all mine or you belong to me. Can't wait to give him back his damn $30 and walk the heck away. Finances is all thay has me trapped. And I still feel sorry for his ineptitude. He plays all that up. Making me responsible for him and his business. That though, is all there is left. He killed what little love there was, and now wants to make me responsible for the relationship. This is where I am, right here. Screw him! Indifference has hardened to outright hatred.

Saturday

Long weekend and this is Nabal's only chance to get loaded. Although tomorrow after church would work as well. The 4th is his church picnic. He's expecting all of us to go so he'll look good. When I finally relented he actually danced. An abused friend at their church told me many women there were abused and yet look down upon her for trying to get away. Her Nabal has been telling all sorts of half truths and outright lies. She tried to leave and he threatened to take the kids. Told everyone he was just setting up visitations. I saw the paperwork. Liar! She now has 'Why Does He Do That?' and she will be equipped next time.

My Nabal told me another girl who has been physically abused for years finally left. I was happy for the girl, then Nabal says, 'But she left the children!' Very disapproving tone. I said yes, sometimes that happens. He gave me the oddest look. My question to him was 'Does he beat on the girls?' that's your answer. She knew they would be ok. She had to save herself.

So today our girl was sitting on the back patio talking on the phone to a girl friend. She turned around and who was there taking a piss in our backyard? Her father Nabal. Why? She's a nice girl, 14 about to be 15. We have 3 working bathrooms. One in the basement so dirty boots (hahah like he'd care) was not an excuse. He was with his drinking heathens. The Protege and young Pablo. If you remember he's the one with alcoholic psychosis attacks.

so... that was my reminder of the day... week... month.

Nabal had an interesting day. Never fails, when I'm working he always has some 'emergency' he 'needs' to try to get hold of me for. Today was no difeferent. He goes to buy something from the car parts store. He can't find his check book and decides that it was stolen. Now I'm not sure of the order, but he puts a stop on checks with his bank and goes all over town trying to follow or find 2 black men he swares stole the checkbook out of his truck. Goes back home, goes tothe back yard to find some tool to work on the truck and there is the checkbook... Just where he left it before he left it. So, not stolen by black men, but misplaced by a mexican...

We now have 3 vehicles that half work. Why? Because Nabal doesn't want to pay any shop to fix them. You see they are dishonest and rip people off. (paranoia anyone?) He paid some spanish guys and evidently they didn't know what they were doing... He has been trying to get his brother to come fix them. One problem, his brother is in Mexico and can't legally enter the U.S. What to do? Try to sneak him in of course. Well now his brother sits in a TX jail for trying to sneak into the country. I'm wondering how much of our money went to that little venture. And he wonders why we don't have any money...