New Years Eve

2010. What can I really say about it... it has been difficult, rewarding and eye opening. I have seen the heights and depths. One of these days when I have time I may cry over all of this. Now is not the time and I don't have the energy to spare. I have thought long and hard about this, and the addiction that really hurt the kids was workable. Maybe some time apart and I cared, really cared about Nabal's wellbeing. I worried for him I ave talked to him about getting help for his addiction for years. This year I stopped. The women was the end of my road, something I just could not do. The first realization I was willing to forgive and forget. I became the model wife in the bedroom and out and a week later Nabal was back to drinking and begging the women. At that moment I realized that it wasn't me. Nabal would always want what he didn't have. He was always looking around at what he didn't have. That is one of the things I think that drives him to drink. I'm no Halley Barry or Eva Longoria, but if they have cheating husbands it is not about looks or money... Nabal crossed the line and got sneaker about it. Which means he willfully went there. There ended my care about our relationship. I hate that I have to watch his phone like I'm a detective. I don't like being a snoop, I would rather be able to trust the man I am with. My trust you will have until you break it. The once I could live with, the willful pursuit I could not.

I have gotten back into my life. I realized how much I had given up to protect Nabal's ego. I am very good at what I do and hope to be able to take everything on by the end of this year. My kids are mentally healthier and once I'm finished school and working I will be more available. I have made friends again. There are also ties that I need to pursue that I gave up on that meant very much to me in the past, and I need for my children to know these people. I've grown and come out of my shell, my cave. I was an only child, so solitude wasn't really that foreign to me. My kids were there, because Nabal's approval was never really given to anyone. Why did I let this happen. Trying to compromise... Somehow I got twisted that Nabal's compromise was staying and keeping our family together. Having small children and no living family makes for a lot of twisted thinking. This has been one of the hardest years of my life, yet one of the easiest. I made the decision to let go, and I did. So not much of the drama really got under my skin. Only when Nabal used the children to get to me did it hurt.

Lately Nabal has been on a campaign of living like we are a happy, healthy couple. He wants a kiss every morning. He demands hugs. All the affection doesn't have the feel of genuineness, but as a tool of control. You will love me. You will respond. He just rushes at my face and the tone of voice has no love or care in it. Demand- yes. I have a very dark secret. I have not kissed Nabal back this whole year, and he has never noticed. It is like he is kissing a fantasy. He is all in his head. I feel guilty every time, but it has been 2 years since he even spoke to me. Just barked orders when he needed anything. The other day he jovially called me over to to talk. I sat down because I couldn't think of anything that needed to be done to get out of it. He asked, "You don't like to talk to Poppy any more?" It just got me how it was all on me again. I told him that it had been 2 years that he had not really spoken to me. He tried to argue that he was a little stressed and i don't even remember the rest. I stopped him. "You are not going to rewrite history. You stopped talking to me when you started drinking again. So don't try to make it anything else." Nabal then made the proclamation that we would sit down each day from then on and talk for an hour. Anger spoke and I told him to that I hoped he had a lot to say. It's 3 days later and I have not had to suffer through any hour talks yet. He wants us to 'do' something for New Years. He wants to do a family thing, have a party for the kids... Then Nabal says, "The kids don't like to do things with us." Us... He misses that it is him that we would rather not be around. For the last year whenever we all go out he is constantly checking his phone or looking at other women. Or spinning lies that we all can see through. It has become a waste of time. It may sound cold, but if all you are being fed is lies, it is truly a waste of precious time to listen to them. Nabal doesn't just lie about the big things, he lies about small inconsequential things as well. Odd that in retrospect our kids remember his personality changes when he is around certain women and that there were always some stores that he didn't want them to go into with him.

I don't know what this next year will bring. I still have pangs of feeling very sorry for Nabal, especially when he does the little boy act. I can't be sure whether he has convinced himself of the reality that he wants. That reality is the wife, the kids, the business, the home and the other women. All of these genially coexisting side by side oblivious to one another. I just can't do it. I found I still do have a little pride. I do have feelings. I don't want to live on the fringe any more. I don't want to be a caged bird any longer.

Friday

Nabal got actually saved one from the six pack last night. He behaved well, especially after he had a nosebleed in the shower. It seems that the telephone traffic has slowed too, but next month's phone bill will show whether this is the truth or just appearances. Last month because of school and work I thought the same but the numbers don't lie.

Our boy has a job now! Completely independent of Nabal!!

Phone

So back on the 23rd found a text from Isela that said, "I love you too." Then there were 3 cute forwards from CM and Isela. One had that traditional Christmas song 'Stand By Me'... Which he showed our boy, and we had to listen to him murder all Christmas day... He erased them, but sent them to our kids so he can keep them that way safely in his outbox. He's been pretty careful about erasing except for one draft which was only the beginning, and no clue who it went to. Last night I went through photos and he has about 6 or 8 of them taken in the bathroom on 12/24/2010. Christmas presents I guess... Then two really weird ones taken on the 26th and 27th. One might be body parts and the other is definitely a pillow case.

He was waiting when we got home from church. Our boy came to church and Nabal needed his truck to take the check to the music teacher for his worship band. After he left I realized he had had a large Corona. He was a little snappy. He got home and I was asleep, so like any small child he tried to wake me. Again I believe he has gone past alcoholism and is revisiting values of his childhood. Lying, cheating, stealing. All played out so well by his own alcoholic mother.Is he ever totally sober? Not really, but he is doing most of his antics sober.

Our boy was on a job with him the other day and Nabal went out and stayed out for a long time. When he got back he told our boy to take the truck and go home to get something. The boy said the smell of marijuana was so strong in the truck that he had to air it out before he could drive it. Nabal left the truck here for the boy to take to the job and take Pablito. Our boy went out to the car and came immediately back to the house. "Mom, you have to go smell the truck..." So I now refer to it as the Ganga Mobile. Nabal has another scheme for getting work with one of these schister internet cons. He said a word about himself. "Don't smoke or drink alcohol on the job. We dress appropriately." Let's guess what statements are true.

Drinking and The Love of Guns

So while I was working, in early December, I get out of work at 6:30am to a text from our boy from the night before, "Did you hide poppy's gun?" What the hell? Evidently Nabal was looking for a little 22 he found at a property of ours- to shoot one of our cats. It is a cat with chronic illness, but is not in pain and enjoys his life. Nabal got very drunk and went looking and telling the kids just what he was going to do... Our boy thought I had hidden the gun, but I haven't seen it in months. Then the boy said, "He probably lost it when he was showing his guns to all his drunk friends." He WHAT!!! Yes, our boy said Nabal would often take all his guns (really except for the 22, rifles) outside to show off to all his drunk friends when he was drunk. I'm wondering if it was another ploy to make me stop working? Nabal says mean things like this all the time when he is drunk but has of yet not acted upon them. His mother is a woman who would kill their animals. I know she was a farm girl, but she always made sure the kids knew exactly what she did. Just meanness!

Vacation

It's our kid's vacation and our boy does work for Nabal when he needs the help. Our boy has really turned himself around this year and is taking amazingly hard classes and doing the work plus over and above! He stays up late with his friends who work and that's the only time he's taking any time. So he worked with Nabal once last week, because of temperatures there wasn't anymore work. Yesterday Nabal wanted to wake the boy up when it was 26 degrees I asked, "Did you tell him yesterday he was to work today?" Then there was the thing that it would not be warm enough to work for at least 2 hours. In the end he didn't need the boy. Tat was fine he studied all day. One of the boy's friends brought over Guitar Hero and they stayed up playing. Nabal was annoyed this morning because everyone was sleeping over and, "He knows I need him to work." I asked, "Did you tell him yesterday." His reply, "Do I need to tell him every day before I need him to work? He knows I need him to work." That's the crux of everything. He wants everyone to form their lives around him, and what he may need. By the way it's still 27 degrees. What I see as common courtesy, Nabal misses the entire concept.I'm just wondering what happened to the Protege... He's solely working with Pablito these days. Our boy worked with him the last time. He had to leave for a doctors appointment and when Nabal went to pick Pablito he was drunk as a skunk.

That day our boy had a doctors appointment, Nabal came to me in the morning and said he needed him that day. I could tell by his voice and face that he wanted me to cancel the boy's appointment. I wasn't. The boy's wrist was swollen and he was having trouble playing his violin. I told him that was fine but I needed him for an hour. Come to find out that was all the work there was. By the time of the appointment they were done.

Super Dad

So just before school let out for the holidays and just after I told Nabal that the kids were old enough to decide who they wanted to live with if he were to leave, Nabal became super dad... He suddenly found all the missing papers for our boys schooling and looked at his grades. He then 'informed' me of what classes the children were taking and how they were doing. They started school in August! It's December. He had no clue or care before this. So every day for two weeks I had to hear, "Have you checked on the children's school work this week?" Wow, good thing he finally woke up! I would have never known anything- NOT! Then he gets on a big campaign because of a winter concert. Asks me if I'm going... or am I going to school... I informed him that the children and I had crossed that bridge a year ago and they knew that I was going to have to miss after school functions, but they also knew that I was going to be back as soon as I was through. He was actually trying to make me feel bad because I wasn't going to the concert! He who has either skipped or gone drunk. So he was, days leading up very concerned as to how the kids would get there. I just kept telling him he was going to be home- figure it out. So the day of: he got them there and picked them up. He, NEVER went. When I got home he had nerve to report all the comings and goings, like it was a hardship. When I asked him if he went, he started to mumble and looked into the TV. As they say- when the rubber meets the road...

In The Midst of The Holidays

The job has finally come to an end and most of Christmas was spent sleeping. I convinced everyone that it was me re-acclimating to day times, but I knew it depressed me that Nabal was home and trying for kisses and hugs at every turn. It wasn't gentle it was him pretending that nothing had happened and forcing me to come over to that reality. He already told me that it was my fault that he drank like a fish for two years, but that he did indeed forgive me and still loved me... Well, ain't that grand. Now he is playing the victim. He runs around buying me crap I don't like or ask for (food stuff) and trying to make me eat it. What the hell is up with that? He either asks me, sounding completely clueless, "You are mad all the time, why?" When he pushed me a couple of weeks ago and I said the drinking was the least, it was the women. He got the most pious look and told me in a pat on the head sort of way that I was mistaken. When I offered up proof he chuckled. Chuckled... Told me if I wasn't in his business it wouldn't bother me. Then tried to change the subject. I have 2 more months before I can get a real job. One last set of classes and then my reviews. He while I was working actually told me that there was no reason for me to ever work and I should therefore quit school. What really gets me is the playing the victim thing. He is still speaking in third person, "You don't love Poppy no more." Said in a completely creepy little kid voice. The man is 44.

So he got completely drunk the other night and came into the room woke me and told me, "I'm going to make you love me again." Aside from the fact that he smelled like rotten bananas. I was not dealing with a drunk. So he's trying to kiss and grind. Then he left. Smiling. I woke to him trying to pull my clothes off. Well that didn't go well for him. I just wanted to be left the heck alone and all I could think of was Pepe le Pew. Until he tried to forcefully get some jail house action. I snapped, it hurt and I hit him, and cursed him, then left the room. I am sorry I crossed that line, opened that door. He just got way to close to power tripping. I think this will be hard these next few months. I don't think he will be easy to get to leave either. He has made up his mind that we are one big happy family and that the last two years was just a little stress.

He asked this morning why I didn't talk. I told him I just didn't have anything to say. I'm not going to play his game or validate his lies anymore so there is nothing more to say. So he says now each day we will sit down and talk for 1 hour. I told him I hope he has a lot to say... Then he tried to weave some new past history and I called him up short and told him that I was not going to be party to his rewriting of history any more. He's trying to paint the last two years as he was here, nothing much out of the ordinary happened and I'm blowing everything out of proportion. Can we say Gas-Light? I'm done with his head games.

When I questioned him about some of the antics that have gone on between he and Isela, he says, "I don't want her. Do you know how many times she has asked me to leave to be with her? I don't want her." When after that speech I told him to go. Go with Isela, she loves (and deserves) him. He changed the subject, well not exactly changed, "Baby, I love you... I like you." Still drinking, still smoking dope, still texting. Control freak.

Tuesday

Narcissistic control freak!

Wednesday

Nabal is speaking like a true alcoholic now. Seems the latest more than a year long detour into the bottle is all my fault... Well of course! Who else. He is lying about everything, and when the truth intrudes he changes to a different story. All the while with a smirky smile. Told me if I wasn't all in his business I wouldn't know anything. I had to let a little go, he was lying so ridiculously.The good stuff though is still in my hand. He keeps saying, "but I love you." Like that cures every ill. No apologies. He told me that if I put him out he was taking one of the kids, maybe both. I could not stop myself from laughing. Told him they were old enough to choose where they wanted to be.

I am really mad as hell right now, because he is trying his best to lure me down that rabbit hole of codependency again. He is trying to create a reality of what happened that makes me responsible and that I am now being unreasonable. This explains and validates my suspicions when he was so vehement that there was no need for me to ever work. He wants and likes that I have no where to go. A hostage is what he wants. A hostage to his bad behavior, to his tearing apart. Trying to give lots of hugs in front of the kids... I have gotten to the point that I just tell him to go away. He had the nerve this morning to ask me why I was always mad. I feel the need to watch 'Gaslight' again. I do have faith that all dirt comes out in the wash. I'm not putting up with this crap for another 17 years. I refuse to be unhappy and brow beaten any more.

Mommy Complex...

Nabal came in today and I was wading through all the things he threw into the very large basement closet when he was making room for our girl's 14th birthday party for his friends. (never happened) Our winter sheets were near there. So far I found a bunch of stuff that I never even thought of as disappearing there. Nabal comes in from doing his duty of taking his pastor to the hospital. He asked if I want him to find things. After he asked me what I was doing I told him that in drunken stupidity he'd thrown a lot of things together and I needed them. Then in this little kid falsetto he 'jokingly' said, "Let me help you mommy." This is not the first time lately that he has called me mommy in a wheedling voice when he is guilty of something. I looked him in the eye and told him no and that I was not his mother. He actually asked smiling, "You're not my mommy." I told him if I was then he needed to start stepping because he needed to be out on his own at his age. (or something close to that) He laughed and left.

Lately he has been asking me why it is so important that I go to school every day. Not sure if he really doesn't understand or if he is wondering why he has not been able to derail this too. He and most of his family are a bunch of quitters who like to harass others until they do. They actually play dumb. Blasting someone for not doing their work then when they do find ways to distract them from it. Then sit around and talk about how the person will never have the stuff to succeed. I have seen their mother do this to all children in her care. Nabal now wants our boy to study and take a trade test for his so he can get the highest license. The child is 16. Oh, yeah. Nabal is going to have a friend say it was him who took the test. Our boy has enough of his stuff to keep up with. He wanted me to take it, BUT I DON'T WANT MY NAME HOOKED WITH HIS BECAUSE HE DOESN'T FOLLOW THE LAWS!

Monday

Nabal is seemingly trying to change. He really heated up on the rhetoric of me not working. When I told him I did not trust him he changed the subject. So now he follows me around asking for hugs... and talking in a baby voice. Our children had a sporting tournament this weekend and he never made it to one. One I went to after I got off work he called to 'find out whee I was' He informed me that the child could have driven himself and not taxed me to go. I told him I wanted to see them play, he snorted and repeated like I'd said something incredulous. Yesterday he asked if I was going to his church or to the last game. I told him the last game. So he fires back, "So you are going to see them play rather then go to church with me?" This is the competition that drives me nuts. He sees no reason to go support the children in anything they do. He sees it as me choosing them over me when I go to a function for them. I normally don't sit around and watch the sport played; he never makes the connection that it is not the sport I want to see played, but the children. Weird, he actually does like the sport and watches it all the time on TV, yet never goes to see the kids play. He asks if they are playing well. He has been away so long that he does not even realize that the child is one of the team's most important players. One of their stars.

I came so close to spilling what i have on Nabal the other day. I know I need to be patient and hold everything until I am done with school. He told me that the past 2 years was just a little reaction to stress that I am blowing way out of proportion. The kids caught him texting under his coat yesterday. I know in my heart that he has not changed, and that his attention shift to me is about control. He finally noticed that I just don't care anymore and he is trying to have his cake and eat it too. He has had to abstain from at least drinking these last two weeks because of a bum tooth a the need for a rot canal. He realized that he couldn't drink away the pain. He has become suddenly very needy. I can see that in many ways he reverts back to the actions of a child getting the attention of a callous parent. He is very concerned about when my work ends. He keeps saying I don't need to ever work again. I see it as him seeing me as a pet he keeps pampered at home and always waiting for him to return. No matter what he does, I'll be there. Those days are over. His words are sickeningly sweet. A trap... I think it is one of the reasons why I have not worked in all these years. I knew that it was his security to have me dependent, and as long as he was true I was fine with that. The only thing that has changed is that he has started acting out because I have no where to go. He is worried. But he is liar who I can't read, so I don't try. I let facts speak in stead of interpretation. January should be telling. I won't be working, but studying for exams and finishing up school and I will let things go back to normal to see his reaction. To let him come out of the wood work. Since I work such odd hours he has been able to completely cover up his dirt. Well not completely. I saw a conversation between Isela and him that I have secure. The one thing the last 2 years has taught me is that he is not finished. Isela seems pretty committed to being with him if he is free. I'll tie a bow on him! I'm, right now just working and going to school and letting the chips fall where they may. I'm trying not to think about much else and just wait to see what he is up too. Maybe Mary shot him down or took him up on his offer. Something has changed and he is either happy or consigned to the fact that he is not wanted by the young thing... The other day he told me, "You do't love me anymore." I could see the little kid who first said that. I told him I no longer trusted him. I reminded him he was the one who told me he was leaving and we had agreed on a date. He then denied ever saying that. (he was sober once when he said it) Then when I told him that his own children were witness. HE said, "The children didn't hear me." I asked him how he knew who said it since he claimed not to have said it? Deny, deny, deny. The answer to the question of what to do when all else fails... I will admit, I'm over it. All of it. I'm ready to move on to wherever. Alone is way better then this carnival ride of a life. House of mirrors, where image is dictated by the bent of the reflector.

Thursday

So last night I get out of school to a text from Nabal, "Hey baby u doo no hav 2 work stay home 2 nigt" at 9:33 (while I was in class) and "U got my tex baby?" at 10:12 then "cam home" at 10:16. So I called to see what was going on. He has been trying to come up with excuses for me to quit or blow off work for the last few weeks. He tells me he doesn't think it is right for me to work overnights. In fact I don't have to work at all, he makes plenty of money. I told him he was the one who agreed I needed to pick up a part time job. He hedged around and said he thought I was going to get something like from 10-12 during the day; not every day. I was hot. Number one I only work 4 days a week. Number two what would I work 2 hours for? For a $40 check...? I told him good bye and hung up. I was really hot. The kids and their friend were listening to his part of the conversation at home. Our girl told me he used the same tome of voice when he told the lady that his wife knew everything he did and didn't mind. His tone, I must say was one used to reason with a hysterical child. I knew he was up to something. I came in this morning and his usual bottle was in the trash. Our girl told me he came over to talk to her and smelled pretty bad with alcohol.

So, our boy was trying to call Nabal last night to get a ride to church and seems Nabal rejected his call at first and answered later. He said that when Nabal finally answered he was whispering. Enough for a 16 year old to notice. Nabal whispered through the whole conversation. He said also that Nabal had been out a long time. He said though right before the phone went dead he heard a woman laugh. When Nabal picked him out he went a way that he had to drive by the Shell station and he went by slow.

So by this morning, I was still thinking al this through and was going to lay everything on the line. Nabal was following me around asking for a hug and a kiss. He asked again was I working tonight. I told him no. He wanted to know if I was going to stay home. I told him no I was going dancing. What a dumb question. We have been married for 17 years. He is definitely up to something. I'm still mad, really mad. He is trying some new game, I'm just a step behind. Maybe guilt. Maybe it's no fun, how do you threaten someone with leaving who is working? Maybe he is feeling put upon by having to keep an eye on the children during the evening and night... Who knows what goes on in his beer soaked mind. Maybe he sees the handwriting on the wall.

Sunday

Got home this morning and found one of the company business cards that I designed and printed up. On the back is "Saul xxx-x704 call- me." On the front are both his cell and our home number. The home number is crossed out with a ball point pen dug into the paper. Guess he's about to lose the 2 numbers he has written on the back. This could of course be anything... but knowing Nabal... Last night as I was leaving for work he very snidely told me to go to work to get fun. I told him his words about work were, "Is work fun?" He fired back with, "Well, if you don't like it quit. on't go in." Trust me, if I did do that eventually in the future he would find some way of making it sound like I quit and couldn't hold a job. Saw that 1 remains out of a 6-pack of Coronas. He was drinking Bud Light when I left. He just came back in from a 'beautiful' service at another church. He told the kids that he should have taken them, the crazy people were falling out again... He's still passed out at 8 am.

Saturday

So, seems Nabal is annoyed that I am working. He said he thinks the children are bored because I work all night and sleep during the day. Funny Our girl went shopping with some of her friends and Our boy stayed over at a friend's house who happen to be people we have known for years. I'l have to wait to find out what happened here last night. Nabal was also mad said he did not understand why our boy 'always' brought the protege here to drink. The boy did bring him over to Thanksgiving dinner. I'll have to delve into that more. But Nabal is the one always on the phone yet when he sees me rarely on the phone he says I'm always on the phone. Ahhh, projecting...

Thanksgiving

Worked last night. Our girl had another oral surgery, thank goodness it was early in the morning. She was fairly coherent by the time I left for school. Our boy was taking care of her as usual since Nabal is I think skittish, well, maybe just lazy. So by the time I got out of school our boy was over at a friend's house. He said our girl was doing well and he really had not wanted to leave her but Nabal insisted he go. He would have probably made it home by 10:15 from the time I was talking to him. Nabal left them as soon as he the boy got home. He was already drinking. I thought maybe he had gone to the protege's but our boy reports that the place he lives doesn't like him coming in late or having company late. Nabal told the boy he was coming right back, he came in at 3am. So maybe Paublito. Only because he took a shower this morning. He was surprised that I was going to cook a turkey... Don't I always? So he left dressed for work and I needed something from the store. I was going the same way so there he was coming out of the Shell station. Surprise, surprise! Claims he just likes the coffee. Wasn't there to see anyone... He is either compartmentalizing or figures he can lie his way out of anything I have on him. I truly hope he remembers he is leaving.

He asked when I was going to stop working. I said this job is just seasonal. He wanted to know when school was done. I told him February. He asked if I would be able to get immediate work. I told him I hoped so. He's got to remember some of it. He's got to be making plans to leave. And I know it will be in a way to make it seem like I'm the bad guy. Really I don't care. Gone is gone.

495 text between 10/13/2010 and 11/13/2010 4 megabytes data
436 text between 9/13/2010 and 10/13/2010 8 megabytes data

Saturday

So, I see Nabal didn't teach last night's lesson at his church. He was initiating text to Mary... I really wonder if Isela ever sent the nudie pics?

Friday

Seems that Nabal tied one on so well the night before that he was asleep by 7 last night. I had to read through Pablito's discharge papers yesterday to find where his appointment was... yesterday. Nabal lied, (well what's new about that) He told everyone that the boy was bipolar (which was no one's business anyway), but it seems from the paperwork that he had alcohol induced psychosis. Which would mean that his second hospitalization was brought on by him drinking with Nabal. A week after he was released...

It just today, I think, dawned on me that Nabal has no friends. Well, aside from his mother. He has no friend that he hangs out with. He flits from person to person and respects none. His only criteria is that they will drink wildly with him, and when they do... he looks down on them because they are drunks. Even among his brothers he envisions himself the leader and all the rest a little lower; older or younger. I'm pretty sure his mom set that up. She would always tell everyone that he was her favorite. Well, I was his friend, until he started drinking so much, endangering the kids, and lying to me to get his way.

Thursday

Last night the children had friends over and Nabal went out and returned and was so noticeably high that the other children noticed. Lovely...

Wednesday

I should be asleep... Well, caught Nabal again. This time he actually texted our boy, who was in school to cover up his dirt. He had all the other side of Isela's conversation that went something like this- "In my phone." "You send me a picture of you without clothes first." "I want you all for myself for life, but you won't arrange that." "You belong to other women." Yeah, he's gone. Self-centered little prick. Disturbing the boy in school just so he can keep the conversations for later viewing.

Well, after all that he was rushing to church in the evening. Nuf said!

Now he's got jobs rolling in all he can think of is spending the money. He's talking about things he will buy for the kids... Last night our boy asked him to he;p make salsa and he flat out said no. And he wonders why the kids seem distant. Money doesn't buy love... or respect. From any of us.

Monday

After working more last week I noticed that Nabal has really erased all the text on his phone, even the ones that came with the loaner. He or someone must have noticed his drafts. They were there for weeks. There were so many that he was missing some when he did erase his. The one about XLounge. I would have loved to have seen his face when he saw that one. So, working more I'm not around. I was so dead tired yesterday that I crashed after Spanish church and Nabal took the kids out to a new buffet in town. They said he was flirting with the waitress. Who knows... but he needs to be careful when he is with the kids. I'm betting he thinks it makes him look cool. He was the one who opened the Spanish service and said something to the effect that people think being a Christian means acting good, but what it really means is going to church... They actually had a good amount of people yesterday. Who is conspicuously missing are all the men he brings... and proceeds to drink with. Even the ones who would not drink with him are no longer there. Hope they found good churches... Paublito was back. I know he has been working with Nabal this week. Hope he's not drinking with him. He'll be back in the hospital if he does.

Friday

Noticed something interesting that could mean something or nothing. It's getting cold and Nabal would always have coffee in the morning. I had not noticed until I started coming in early and turning on the water to heat while I wait on the kids. He has not made coffee once. I've noticed in the past that when he drinks a lot he does not really drink coffee. Or maybe he's getting it at the Shell...

Thursday

Nabal is being Nabal. The cat went to work last night and the mouse did play... Kids said he came in about 11:30 or 12am (from work) and was pretty drunk. He would not eat then suddenly had to leave. (yes... leave) to take a guy somewhere, and didn't return until 2. So, he is the one giving me the sad story that my working when he is working late leaves the kids home too late in the evening. Funny I guess he figured that they were going to sleep and they didn't need an adult in he house...

This morning Pablito was going to work with him. Something just does not feel right. I know he will have the boy drinking again and back in the psyche ward in no time. With all he has going on... Nabal is underestimating that boy... Somewhere, but I can't put my finger on just where.

Wednesday

Las night Nabal calls at about 11 and wants to know what I'm doing. I was studying. He wants to know where our boy is; he was running a friend home. "Why doesn't he answer his phone?" I told him that as a 16 year old driving he doesn't talk on the phone. Why? "I'm broke down. I ran out of gas and the little truck has a gas can. And you're too busy for me." I asked where he was and he was right down the street. I asked him where the gas cans were he said he'd have to come and find them. Ok, so where down the street? He was being cagey... So I had to dress. He called as I was turning onto the street. "Did you get the gas cans?" "No, you said you had to find them." I replied. He sounded annoyed. The police were there. He had pulled off into an old side street with the back end hanging out and the mixer somehow wrapped around. So he gets in, I could smell the alcohol. (Why can't the police?) Home, then to the gas station. The whole time he's saying he swore he had enough gas and hopes it's not a problem with the truck. He has 2- 1 gallon cans. He puts the gas in and yes... that was the problem. In pulling forward the mixer completely broke out his passenger side turn signal. The police gave him a, "You ok now buddy?" And talked for another few minutes. When he got home he is waiting at the door for me to unlock it. He has keys... He also has a beer under his arm. He's laughing to himself, "Now how did I forget to put on gas?" Let me see, he was working way uptown on the highway and was coming from the wrong direction, He passed a lot of convenience stores and gas stations to get home yet he was coming from the direction of Mary's Shell station. He immediately opened and slammed the beer and didn't want to eat.

The thing is that he has a new credit card. The credit card is supposed to be for gas. He bought food for the protege and himself the other day. He never puts gas in his trucks, and they are always running out of gas all around town. And yet he is always in a gas station... Our boy won't put more in then he needs to get some place, because Nabal will get in and run it dry.

So Isela is packing to go to Vegas. Going to the Latin Grammys. Ooo la la! Maybe he'll get to go with her next year! And at this point I'm really hoping he does. Just one text to Mary he missed because he had it at the beginning of Isela's conversation. Poor thing had to erase Mary's picture... It's ok, I still have it.

Tuesday

I knew it wouldn't take Nabal long to see the windfall that my working overnights could afford him. He had a late job and the kids said came in around 12am. He had his obligatory 24 oz Bub Light. What was odd was our girl noticed he was on the sofa, feet up giggling into the phone for a long time. Her comment was that he sounded like a teen age girl. Who knows, maybe he was talking to his mom. He still calls her every day.

Nabal came in earlier in the evening before I went to school and told us that he hadn't had time to go get the protege and Abi for lunch. (because they were so far away) He laughingly told us they had had nothing to eat the whole day. After he left I asked our boy, who frequently works for him in the summer, why they don't pack lunch. He told me that when they do Nabal makes fun of them... For someone who cares so much about how others treat him, he treats other people so callously... Unless others are watching. He really fancies himself having quite a lot of compassion.

Sunday

So, woke this morning to "Love you Baby." See the gaslight flicker?!? I have got to hold on for at least 3 more months, but I am to the point of hatred. I have only hated one other person in this world, and that person was pulling a pretty bad game on someone I loved. It took me years to get over that one, and I didn't have to live with that as closely.

His church was a joy. He was telling everyone how they had to live right. Bad things happen when you don't live right before God. All true statements, but if only they all knew what he does before he picks up people in the church bus and after he lets them off. He is the wolf.

So, young Pablito is back in the hospital. Nabal was asking the church to pray for him. Evidently he is back in the psyche ward and has been diagnosed bi-polar. So, seems he went off the deep end again. Guess drinking large quantities of alcohol with Nabal and his meds didn't mix... I knew at first there was something about that boy. And my thinking still holds- his eyes are dead and if Nabal is not careful he will be the one who brings him down... one way or another.

We ran into some other Spanish pastors and I really wonder if they know about him. After all he didn't find out about the other guy until he asked someone from another church to come to his. They had known for some time, just never said anything. Plus he does his dirt at the same store. But our Nabal is so much smarter then everyone else.



Had to do the incognito thing with Mary. No problems with the law here!

Saturday

Well Saturday started early. I have discovered why Nabal is so amiable. I think...

So, Mary finally sent him a picture. then looks like he forwarded it to CM. Weird. But he is on a campaign to get all the ladies to send him photos. He's going to send them pics if they sends theirs to him. 3 more months until I can get a real job in my new field. Well, and a little more until I can build up a cushion for me. I'm so very tired. This drinking just brings out the worst in all of us, including Nabal. He came in and turned around and went back out. Another night of drinking. I know where he's going because he didn't bother to shower and change. He'll roll in here late and be obnoxious. Such is life.

I was wrong... he had finer fish to fry. Seems he had something on me that he could use. So showered and looking like he was ready for a date. He asked me about a girl who was here all night. She is a girl friend of a friend of our boy. She is a girl who doesn't get along with other girls so hangs with the boys. They came in at a reasonable hour- our boy, another boy and the young lady in question. I went to sleep with the expectation that they would take her home. Our boy fell asleep and the others watched movies all night. When I found out it did not sit right with me. I know this girl does not live with family, but roommates, even though she is in high school and have heard that she does this frequently. All of a sudden this turned into all my fault, and my morals were called into question. This is from the drunk who will smoke dope in front of him, talk about all his past sexual conquests and tell him he should be doing more. Plus the kids know see and hear him talking to other women trying to be the lover. Yes I should have kicked them out and double checked as I fell asleep on the sofa and woke thinking they had already taken her home while I was asleep. Error in trust on my part. I went through the whole day thinking they took her home the night before. I did speak with our boy and he did try to explain that he fell asleep. I told him that was not a reasonable excuse and that that was to not happen again. Nabal yelled and explained that he would be the one in trouble if something happened. He then said that he always went to sleep at 9 because of work. Even our girl said he had not done that in more than a year. As he went to bed he, Nabal said he was leaving tomorrow so he would not be in the way...

I am going to get the kids together and explain to them that we have to be above board with everything because I think that Nabal will try to make life hard for us. He is not above calling social services to make trouble. He wants our boy to go with him when he does leave and he might get vindictive when the boy declines. Plus the three of us have to learn to work as a unit. I have been noticing recently that our boy has gathered, subconsciously a lot of traits that reek of Nabal. Like leaving things around and expecting I or his sister to pick up after him. We will have to be a team in order to make this happen and work well. Once I get going in my career I will actually have more time to spend at home and be around for the kids. Pretty much set my own hours.

This is Nabal- I was sorting and putting away socks and underwear on the bed. I left the laundry basket on the bed by accident and when I returned to the room to turn off the light Nabal was in bed asleep (passed out). Lights on and laundry basket still on the bed on top of his feet... He never helps, and now even less as I am working.

Friday

Nabal's new campaign is finding reasons why I should not be working or in school... He has all this stuff that 'needs' to be done yesterday and if I weren't working somewhere I'd be able to comply. Everything revolves around Nabal. So now he is walking looking like the poor put upon one. After the last few years of him completely ignoring us he is acting like we are the ones in the wrong. He is doing nothing different. He's just hiding it better. Even if he is a reformed man it just doesn't matter, he took the whole thing too far, I heard and saw too much, He's done too much to the kids. There is just way too much he has killed in all of us. I really think he turned around and realized that we have all moved on. Today our girl was in a fashion show- he forgot. He's trying to be huggy and I'm just not the least into it. He has said things meant to destroy me and make me feel bad about myself, and I'm not putting up with it any longer. I know he will revert back even if he does make changes, but I don't think he has any plans of making changes. I think he sees he is losing control of all of us and he is grasping at straws. No one is cowering, no one is stressed, no one is angry. We are just family that gets along and does their thing to better themselves. There is no drama, and I think he thrives on drama. We all live alongside him, but we no longer participate in his world. We have firmly planted our feet in the normal life. Now he is trying to follow, but I think it's a trick... Get me sucked back into the home body life waiting for his urgent needs, dropping everything when he wants something that could wait immediately if not sooner. Then wham, he'll come down with all his crap. The drinking, the womanizing outright, the trashing us. Bingo! He sees the light in my eyes again and he is scared. I'm thinking he is playing a game with me, and these women, but what he didn't count on is my not standing in his way. His game of control has turned on him. What will he do when I let him walk, tell him he is free to go as he has asked? I have the feeling that he will not go, he is going to try to play it off, make me feel like it's all my imagination. Then try to spend the next years of my life making me and the kids crazy. I'm going to have to find some gumption. I feel like I'm going to have to make it happen. I'm going to be the one to be the bad guy, after all this, all his nastiness, all his skirt chasing all his drunken bad behavior, I'm going to be the one he is going to make look bad. He already had these dear ladies talk to me about falling back in love with him. They have no clue who he is, not a clue... All they know is what he says when he is sober covering up being a drunk.

Thursday

So, I got in from work today and Nabal pops out of bed to talk. He was quizzing me about work then asked me what I made. Now, this is a part-time, seasonal retail job so how much does he think? He wanted me to know I had no need to work, and he does mean ever even the career I'm in school for at the moment. I told him that at least I was paying taxes so we have some paid in. He would return to the subject. I'm wondering why he was barking at me to get a job, and he was to get a part time also, and now he's telling me he can handle everything. So the kids woke up and started telling me that he had come in very, very drunk and was mad and talking to himself and what he repeated over and over until he passed out was, "That's it! I'm not going to let her go to work anymore." Nabal is playing some game here that I can not figure out. He has not stopped texting and playing the field with either Isela or Mary.

This is so reminiscent of him suggesting, in fact insisting I get my car. After I liked it and bought it he immedietly disliked it and wanted me to sell it.

Tuesday

So... Nabal is really living up to his name. He had our boy and his friend working with him today as they have the day off from school. He also had the protege and Hector from church who he happens to have known for years even longer than he's known me. So when our boy and Mario his friend got there Nabal and the protege took off and were to be back in a 'few' minutes. That was around 3:30 ish. He called me at 5:15 and I called him back at 5:50 as I was in the shower and getting ready for school. e asked was I going to school and working. He mentioned that he was worried about our girl being home alone as he was working late. Our boy told me this morning that Nabal had not returned to the job by that time. And when he did return he and the protege were giggling and red eyed. High as kites. Our boy assured me that he d his friend had been working steadily for Hector the whole time Nabal had been away. So, Nabal sent our boy to get our girl. e then sent all of them for food when they returned. It was all fairly convoluted as the place they sent the kids was closed, but they got food. Our boy asked everyone whether they wanted food and Nabal was the only one who declined. When they returned with food Nabal demanded to know where his food was. The boy reminded him he said he wanted nothing. He, in a very nasty tone said that he had told our boy to get him something. His friend who grew up with an alcoholic said in no uncertain terms that Nabal had specifically said he wanted nothing. Nabal finally shut up about it and sent our boy to get him some food. When he returned Nabal pitched a baby when there was no straw. lamed the boy, who had gone through the drive through. Nabal then dismissed them and spoke in a very threatening voice and told them they needed to leave NOW! Our boy said it was a very offensive tone. He was lucky to have a friend there, the boy was able to tell him that no it was not his imagination, what he heard was a very offensive tone of voice. I still have to find out where our girl was during all this. She has a penchant for filming things like this. He got nasty with them again and ran them off. Our boy said they came in and Nabal was out until 1am. When I got in Nabal was still sleeping that deep drugged sleep. Our boy was up because he had hives. We don't know why. I wonder if anything was in the walls, if it was something he ate, or if it was nerves.

I truly thought I would never be able to check Nabal's phone, but he was still passed out so I did. Funny, he jumped out of bed and shot off in his truck. No warm up, no nothing. There was frost today. So... CM sent him another picture with music. and Isela had greeted him at 6:40 something yesterday evening. He kinda in a nice way got on me, saying he thought I didn't have to work last night. He said, "I thought you only had to Monday and Wednesday." I told him, "Yesterday was Monday. Are you losing days?) His reply, "I'm losing everything.) How right Nabal is. He chased everything good away a long time ago.

Very Early Saturday

Nabal and our boy came in from working a job at about 1am The were driving 2 separate vehicles- Nabal could barely walk. They had a wall fall again. Not one of his, but an old wall they were reconfiguring. Things like this never used to happen. I'm betting it is because he is so consumed with alcohol and texting his 'girls' that he is not paying adequate attention to his jobs.

Well he started asking me why I was working. I said to help out until I graduate. He snorted and said, "You think I need you to help me pay for things?" Then he starts questioning me about why I'm in school because I was reading a trade article.He says, "You don't need to ever work." Then he got to his point. "So after you graduate and take you exams you'll be making big money and you won't need me anymore." Now he is going to try and fix his mouth to make it seem like I have gotten tired of him for no reason at all and he is going to make himself the martyr. That will e the story he will tell to all who will listen. So I had to answer him because he kept pressing me. I hate talking to alcoholics and know good and well not to talk to them about anything. So he kinda perked up and said, "So, you really want to do that." Don't tell me for years you are leaving, with every time the person spoken to withdraws a little bit of themselves. Finally there is simply no more. Everything is gone... He wants to be with at least Isela. I think Mary is just a pit stop on his way to her. Or he is practicing for his good Mexican marriage LOL. Actually I guess this would be his absolution from guilt, or make a better story for the ladies to feel sorry for him. Or maybe I messed up a story he's already told. This is also why I have not worked even after the children got old enough I have known deep down that if I ever became anywhere near self sufficient (or what others see as a 2 income family) Nabal would feel threatened. I have known for years that he wants and need all the attention. Hell the man is jealous of his own children. As long as everything I did was for him, he was happy. That's not necessarily true, because he started drinking and womanizing while I was not working. I stopped so many things because he saw them as being more of a focus then him. This is one of the same reasons he drinks, he has no interest. He makes fun of everything and everyone. I tried to take him to learn golf, and he liked it. Then he started drinking... We would all play softball then he started drinking and what little bit of family fun we started having ended.

Observations

How bad do you feel when you ask your kids in a tone that says someone is in trouble, "Who was eating oranges?" And they day dad. Orange peels around the trash can and most in. You know, when it comes to garbage... almost all does not count.

In our front yard, under the tree where Nabal sits with his 'friends' to drink is a flower pot that has 5-6 beer bottles, still in paper bags, sticking out. I joked that maybe they were waiting for the beer tree to grow...

The back seat of the little car is still filled with empty beer bottles. So no one wants to drive it.

I washed all the jeans. I got an ear full the other day for confusing jeans between Nabal and our boy. So asked him to separate his out. He took the pair he needed and left the rest. The boy pulled his. Thank you!

I haven't had time to match socks and put them away. Evidently neither does anyone else.

Nabal still comes in and makes food for himself and no one else.

Nabal, when he does do something around the house will broadcast it to everyone, He will play the martyr and make a big show.

He is still leaving all the lights and TV on when he is drunk, yet lectures me about electric any given day. I haven't even turned on the heat yet because I'm trying to save some money.

Yesterday evening Nabal came home I was doing some last minute studying because of the new job. He plugs his phone to charge then turns it off. I noticed because he has never done that before... He gets his clothes for his shower and grabs the phone and takes it with him. Wow, think he's got a few things to hide. So he took about 10 pictures of himself. I caught them because on this phone he can't find them. So I happened to be cooking dinner and on his way to the shower I heard him mumble, "Look at the food burning, and her and those stupid books." Well, the food didn't burn. I was letting the water evaporate off, but to be honest I was studying and did forget. Nabal said nothing to me or anyone else, and he didn't do anything himself to stop it. I think he would have been gleeful if dinner had burned. Then he comes back upstairs all smiling, "Dinner ready?" I had his plate for him... Jerk!

I'm sure Saturday night he is really going to go off the chain. I'll be out all night, party time. He can proposition his girl and no one will be watching. He couldn't care less about the kids. Next week is 3 months till I'm done school... And I'm very good at what I do. Lord be my helper I'll be making a very nice salary shortly after and hi can go on his merry way. My hours will be very flexible so no problem with the children. I just want to split the bills down the middle and be done. Isela here he comes, hope you're ready. My darling daughter graduates in 3 years and I'll be outa here! That is unless God has some different plans for us. The boy graduates next year.

Monday

I got a lot done today thank goodness! Around 2 or 3 Nabal came home with the protege and a guy he is having fix his truck. He came and went without a word. He called later and as sweet as pie he asked if I were busy. I was writing a paper so said yes, but what did he need. He asked if I had any money. I asked, "For what?" He needed gas... I said yes I did. He said ok, and hung up. I realized that it was time to go pick up the kids from school. So I left the money on the table by the door and left. He called just as I got there. "Where are you?" Like a house was on fire. He was so mad. He went home and not seeing my car thought I had gone to the bank then ran off to the gas station to wait. He needed the money immediately- he had a job to go look at. He was only going 2.15 miles from our home... And yes he ran out of gas... He was running around town and in all that time never took the time to go to the bank and put gas in his truck. He went on about every time he needed something... I hate dealing with the alcoholic mind. Our boy put a few dollars of gas in the truck the night before. This is the 3rd time he has run out of gas this year. Nabal is acting like a teen... Our boy is more responsible. Nabal ran my old blue car out of gas last week when his own truck was out of gas. Then he trashed it with beer bottles so the boy can't drive it. I found him, he parked the truck and walked up to the house. I gave him the money and he went to his truck. I stopped and asked if he had indeed run out of gas. He called his friend Hector and he was on his way.

As I was going out to school Nabal and the protege pulled up and Nabal had his obligatory 24oz bottle. I had cooked all but the steaks and told him, he answered very closed mouthed. I got home and nothing but what I fixed had been cooked. He ran to the kitchen and lied and said he had been trying to light the stove for 1/2 hour. He hadn't tried adding any fire... He cooked a piece of meat just for himself. Wasn't it just yesterday that he said he was going to have to do all the cooking this week? So our girl said she heard him on the phone. He was drunk and was talking in front of the child. She is 14 and not in the least stupid. She could hear that he was talking to a woman. "Yes she knows everything I do. I don't hide anything from her. So how about it. Ok... fine." Hung up and went on his merry way. The girl thought it was important enough to tell me. He was stumbling drunk when I got home. He ate and passed out on the sofa until our boy came in and the dogs woke him.

Nabal bellowed for me from the living room, "Did you send my phone off." I ran down the laundry list of things that had to be done that morning and he just turned his head never answering. Now that phone sat here for a week, the better part of it in his truck. Now he's going to ride me until 'I' send it off. Like any of this is my fault! Our girl told me he almost broke the loaner today. He dropped it and stepped on it... Drunks can't be trusted with anything of value.

I went into the downstairs bathroom just after Nabal took his shower and there was the radio knocked on the floor and left there. I had been wondering how things were getting knocked down in the bathroom and not being picked up... now I know

Sunday

So,church day, family day. Nabal gave attitude when I wasn't jumping up and down to go to his church. I had homework and was sleep deprived from his antics last night. He started in with a hilarious speech that I didn't seem to have time for anything and I needed to make a list of things that need to be done. He asked if he was to make dinner this week and from now on. Ok, reasons why this is so funny. There have been days where I have exams and he says, "I'll cook tonight." I get home and no dinner is anywhere in sight and he is either out or home drunk. He's going on about his truck payment, the money just hit the bank... He's been paying for 3 years? and still owes $14,000. He is awful at business deals, he always gets taken. Now he is sick- sneezing coughing. And wanting me to nurse him. He calls from his room, I'm lonely. I was doing wash and go in the room with clothes to put away. "Come on baby, time to go to bed." Life on a drunken cheater's terms is no life at all...

I caught up with Chilean Pablo at my church today and he was amazed at what he had seen. He wonders how I put up with it. I told him I'm just trying to finish school. He did tell me that Nabal smokes an inordinate amount of marijuana. That, he had noticed. He said he has tried to talk to him before and Nabal just jumps and starts talking about him smoking cigarettes and how no one at his church likes that. Nabal offered him a beer. This man is a recovered alcoholic and had a brother die from his drinking. He sees Nabal in a pattern just like his brother. His brother died within 6 months of drinking heavily.

Young Pablo is still in the hospital. Nabal lied that the boy doesn't want to leave because the place is so nice and they feed him... Oh, yeah a young L.A. gangsta 20 something dead eyed man happy to stay in the psyche ward... Nabal is absolving himself of any guilt for sure. Funny I heard a phone message from him now instead of helping in some tangible way, he was some kinda pissed that the all powerful Jefe couldn't spring him and was spouting a bunch of God stuff at him. Nabal said today that they are giving him the pills to stop him from drinking. Funny we live very near a big university hospital that researches these very drugs. Pablo told him about the research and free treatments they offer. Nabal proclaims that he does not need anything and can stop any time he wants. He just sees no reason to stop.

After so many lies the lines between reality and fantasy become blurred...

Saturday

And he's off!!! Nabal came in all smiles went into our room and closed the door behind himself. Just him, his bottle and his phone. Our boy told me that he had already been through a 6 pack about 15 minutes after he got home. Chilean Pablo stopped by and Nabal went to his car. I assume to fix something in it. He is the only church person who knows and he is trying to help. He was an alcoholic himself and lost one of his brothers to it, but this is a man Nabal considers stupid... so he won't listen to anything hi says. The good point was that he left his phone in the house and had left a draft on it. It said, "XLounge." A dance place and bar downtown. So, if he ever gets there.. I'm calling my girls in and have them go down and take pictures.

He barked orders for our girl to come hook up the radio so he could listen to the always drunk Mexican Vicente Hernandez... He wanted head phones and complained when all she had were her teddy bear head phones. He closed the door behind her. Later he came out and looked through the kids Spanish/English dictionary. Knew he was texting Mary. I waited a while and went in 'to get glasses for the dishwasher' and had the phone out. Too drunk to snap it shut. I had to be a smart ass and ask how she was doing. He smiled and stuttered and finally said he was checking his voicemail. He flashed the phone. Usually I can't see a thing, but had some Cranial Sacral work done and a lot of my distance vision came back... So I could actually see that he had a new text message. The room smelled of alcohol, not beer, but alcohol. When I mentioned it he said very flippantly, "Well, it's only once a week. Why, you think it's more?"

Him looking up words in the dictionary reminded me of when he first started texting last November. Nabal was in the basement drinking as usual and kept asking me how to spell things. I was so used to that because one of our children has a learning disability that I would tell him without thinking. Then I found all the text with those words in them and knew what he had done. That is the first time I knew I was dealing with someone with very little morals. He had the nerve to ask his wife to spell the words he was texting his paramour. Then when I caught on and told him to look it up. He started asking the kids... even the one with the learning disability spells better than he does. He is a lazy man when it comes to learning, he'd rather get someone else to do things for him, then think and say they are stupid.

So he finally took a bath. He had been sitting on the bed in his hight clothes, body all dirty from work. While he was in the shower I of course took a peek. Mary had texted him, "Not tonight." He came upstairs with a very gay looking tank top on, put on a shirt and came into the kitchen. I asked him if he was hungry. Nabal sneered at me and said no then mumbled something about a shoe lace. I asked what about a shoe lace. He was looking in the pantry then looked at me with contempt and said, "I lost my shoe lace." I was so lost.. he had on dress shoes... how does one lose a shoelace? He pointed behind me and there was a 6" piece of black shoe lace on the floor. All I could say was, "Oh" He looked me up and down like I was an idiot and made a noise of contempt. He went back into the bedroom, came out and got his keys and walked out the door. He never said a word to any of us? I turned to our girl and told her, "Real men do not do that, they don't act anything like that." "She said, " I know mom," I know the kids don't want to hear me say things like this, I know they are not stupid, but since people tend to gravitate towards things they know. I want that type of behavioral red flag to be attached to my big mouth telling them that it is not acceptable. He returned in 10 or 15 minutes with his usual 24oz bottle. In the room was the 6 pack bottle on the floor where it had fallen. He returned to the room and shut the door behind him. Almost finished school! 3 months!! Lord keep me patient. Help us to a better life with normal people so my children will have a better role model of what a man should be. Once he is gone I have males, good males in my family, my friends and my church who will step up. They are at a distance because they don't want to either step on his authority or deal with him. Plus they and I know that he would take it out on the children if they went with and anyone else and enjoyed themselves. Such a spiteful man.

A friend was being nice and telling me not to stress. How do I explain all this without going on forever. And without knowing the whole story how could anyone understand that I am not stressing over all this most of the time. I stress over meeting all the bills alone. I stress over getting to that point and having him not willing to go. I am not down with the traditional Mexican marriage! I will not sit at home while he cats all over town. I will not every year for my birthday and half birthday go to have STD test. I will not put up with living in a house that looks like hell because a drunk will only make messes. I will not live with a liar. I will not disconnect from life again to function from day to day. Nabal every now and again will tell me that I don't have to work and that I can use what I am training for now for a little side money. He is either blowing smoke up my ass or his own... I think he is just losing his ever-loving mind. You have to have had lived my life to understand why I am not interested in waiting to see whether or not he stops drinking. I am not interested in any intervention. I used to talk to him about it, for years I have. For years I have worried. Once I found out he was talking to Isela, I forgave him. Once I found out he had met Mary at the hotel next to my church, we talked about that and reservedly forgave him and was willing to work at our marriage. Once I found out he was propositioning Isela and still texting Mary numerous times a day as to her whereabouts... I was done. We were supposed to be trying, we were supposed to be investing. He would smile in my face, reassure me with words and turn around and chase these women. He betrayed me, he's done.

Last night he was abrasive and barking orders. He had just gotten in from church and sat down in the living room. For once he wasn't drunk. He usually picks up a bottle or 2 on the way home. All of a sudden I thought he was calling my name, then it didn't sound like my name. I went around the corner and asked if he were calling me. All he did was bellow out, "TEA." Didn't even bother to look up. I asked what kind, just way easier then arguing. I just don't care enough to argue, I'll save that for when I put him out. "Something to make me sleep." He sounded so imperious. I just laughed, Little Napoleon... Quite a kingdom... There will be a revolt!

False Doctrine Backlash

I'm so very mad at Nabal right now. Pablo was finally located. He is in the hospital after a suicide attempt. Nabal was out with him Sunday. No one of them could see how desperate he was. Nabal drank with him, another young man who was coming to church until Nabal started drinking and partying with him gave Pablo cocaine and he failed a probation drug test. A lot of bad things just pushed this kid over the edge. I lay this, at least partly, at Nabal's door because he has preached to anyone who will listen that God does not care what you do as long as you are faithful about going to church. Not only does he preach and follow this philosophy, but he encourages all these young men to indulge in it. He leads them! This young man I heard really wants to get to know the Lord, but only found filth. Nabal makes fun of the people in his church who are trying to walk right in front of these boys. Points out that he is a better Christian.

This young fellow with the dead eyes who I have said I do not care for, while on a 3 day, wild drug and booze induced frenzy was out on the highway trying to preach the gospel... He wanted to fight anyone who disputed him. He has learned well from his teacher.Yet the zeal of youth made him go that step further.

So what was Nabal's reaction? He turned to me and asked could alcohol make someone act like this. I said yes. He then said that he knew many who drank far more and they didn't have these problems. I told him that everyone's different and some it kills quick, and some slowly. Left it at that. This though wasn't before he joked about the boy being stupid and all with a friend. He told me all the boy's woes and said it wasn't that bad. He was a pendejo. He was kinda mad. I guess he was, he knows deep down this could lead directly back to him in many people's mind. So... now he took a shower and dressed up and is headed off to the phyche ward to visit with Pablo. I hope they bar him. I hope the man can't have visitors. I hope the Lord leads real representatives of the gospel to him.

This young man, when he comes into his own could be the one who lets all the secrets out of Nabal's closet.

So Nabal's track record, all the young men he has taken to church who spend any amount of time with him are now much worse off then they were as people who knew nothing of God. They are all hopeless drunks and druggies. Really praying for this kid.

Nabal returned from the hospital and said stupid boy was asleep. He was annoyed. How dare a young man who hadn't slept in 3 or 4 days be asleep when he decided to visit. I just told Nabal that he had probably been sedated. This man has zero understanding except for himself and his mother. They are the only ones allowed sympathy unless Nabal sees the reasoning. Even his own children suffer from his cold foolishness. This past weekend our boy pulled a muscle in his 1st game. He went on to play 2 more games the next day with grown men. His leg hurt and we were talking about how to take care of it to not further injure it. Nabal starts with, "Mama, mama." in a high voice. Poking fun at the boy. "Whenever mama is around..." then really smarmy, " my leg hurts mama." "But when it's just daddy, there's nothing wrong." He went on and on about this. I worked on his muscle the day before and I know there is a strain. He thinks these things are funny. His mentality costs us a lot of money because my son can feel kinda bad and pretend to be alright. Then let whatever it is go until it needs immediate attention, which usually happen on a weekend... That kind of crap just cost us $600, when it could have been under $100. Nabal makes everyone feel like they are whining whenever they are sick. Our girl silently goes into her room if she's sick so she won't have to hear him. Nabal won't go into her room and bother her, but he will go into our boy's room and give a load of crap. He once, while I was sick looked at me and fixed his mouth to say that I was always sick. I asked him to back that up with some evidence. He thought, then had to admit that that I rarely get sick even twice a year. He turned on his heels and walked away.

So with all this Nabal doesn't let it cut into his womanizing. The text he forgot to erase after he got drunk: U look good the way u fix u hair!!! To Mary the Shell station cashier at 7:51pm. Every time I start to feel even the least bit sorry for him. (translates to codependency feelings) He always comes through to sharpen my resolve. I am starting to think that because I have let things ride until I get myself together that Nabal is thinking that I will go on living like this. Him and his mistresses and me just turning a blind eye. Either that or he is getting his sure thing set up before I get legs under me. He keeps telling me that I don't have to work. All this training at something I love! Yeah... he knows.

Tuesday After My Birthday

I just haven't felt like writing lately. Too much stuff going on, but I figured I had to get it all down documented. Last night he was drunk as a skunk and came in at around 2am. He was raving about how much he loves me and that I never loved him. I guessed that he had a big conversation with one of his girls Isela in particular since they have been getting hot and heavy lately. So there was a one sided convo as usual. It started off at 10ish in the morning. "Buenos dias mi amor :)" Then a while later "Que haces?" then a rather cold "Senor, yo no te pido nunca sentir aflicciones, sino tan solo que nunca me abandones en mis afliccion" Oops. guess he was being a cad as usual. When he gets mad everyone in his path gets zapped. Well I went to put his phone back in his pocket (yes he had the pants on and was passed out) the phone cover snapped off. He had already broken it in a fit of anger that day come to find out and the last piece came loose (after I got the messages off) Just before he passed out and I told him to go to sleep because he was too drunk. His last proclamation was, "Baby, I have never lied to you. Never." then he was gone.

So, the reason I know he and Mrs Soto have been getting a little hot is that last week I intercepted a string of messages between his (friend) CM in Denver. He was coxing her to send him pictures of herself and he was sending his to her. And to Mary, but that's another paragraph. She must have asked something about Isela because for once he forgot to erase all of his side and he said in Spanish, "Isela is scared" So fast forward to a day or two later and there's a photo of Isela in her bathroom it looks like with a black pretty low cut tank top. I remember seeing it and just thinking, "Some folks like low cut." Banked that and thought nothing more. After all she's in Borger, Tx and it's probably hot there. So day or two later another photo. She's got on a flesh toned spaghetti strapped thing on, same bathroom. The very next picture is a direct tit shot! I realize this is not a shirt after all but undergarments. I kinda feel for the lady she was dumb enough to caption the picture, "Esto es lo unico k te puedo mandar dime si te gusto o no.." Loosely translated, "This is all I can send do you like me or not..." Wow, so first, my husband might be trying to get this woman to send him naked pics. Second, she is asking if he likes her or not. What? Is he trying t make up his mind whether she looks good enough for him to leave? Wow... They are made for each other, He will have the perfect foil for his accusations and she will have a lover who will make her even more unsure of herself. She will have all the same accusations leveled on her that have been leveled on my for years, except she has actually done everything with and for him while she was married to her current husband. Her track record will not be able to be disputed. Oh, and he will not trust her one minute. She will live in hell. I dress pretty modestly, she will be the eternal slut. I have no doubts whatsoever. She will, unless the guy she is with now is physically abusive, come to look back and regret the last 10 years of her time investing in Nabal and not her own marriage. Then she will know who I am... She will realize all the lies she has swallowed. I do debate warning her, but she has stars in her eyes, not a middle aged rummy. Poor girl doesn't even drink. Hope she's not escaping another drunk herself. He can hide it pretty good for a while, until you want to see it.

Oh, the tit shots that came in on my birthday. Lovely. Coincidence or planned?



My birthday, Nabal was in Richmond getting a part for his work truck. He went with a brother from the church and Pablo. He reported with all the shock of a teetotaler that Pablo was drunk and saying that no one liked him and everyone hated him. Why I asked. The church fellow would not let Pablo drink in his truck. My thoughts were that if the church fellow wasn't there Nabal and the boy wold have been completely drunk... Quite a showman. So home he came after our boy's game and before our girl went to her first homecoming dance. He was here just in time to make cracks and get in the pictures. He left the camera unattended a minute and I found the photos. He told me he was going to take me out to dinner if I hadn't had too much food that day. WTF, I don't eat much as it is. Jerk! After seeing the pics my stomach got tied up in knots and my hiatal hernia kicked in. So much for eating anything else that day. He checked to see if I was going to eat and suggested I'd eaten too much during the day... I ate one small meal. So much anger is stored in my diaphragm, that's where the stomach problems come from. Happy birthday, my present was that I was so sick that I just had to be left alone and later just vomited. He left the pictures on a full 2 days. I guess he sent them to his other phone or just erased them. I haven't said one thing about any of the things on his phone for a long while, so he thinks I have given up checking. I actually have, but there are times I get an inkling to check and always come up with pay dirt. Usually when I am slipping back into, maybe I'm being harsh mode and on the verge of forgiveness. Peeking keeps me straight as to where I am headed. All in all I did not celebrate my birthday. I did spend an enjoyable day with my kids and they were nice about it. I am going to maybe celebrate my half birthday when Nabal has moved on. I have friends who Nabal would never like. They would like him and be open to anyone I bring around because they are my friends, but he is so insecure in himself that he would never like them. Oh and yes he was with the Christian guy when his Isela tit shot and accompanying head and tit shot came in. I see Nabal called her back 10 minutes after it came in. Would have loved to have been a fly on the wall, better yet had a recorder on for that.

So on to Mary... Got a wonderful conversation with both sides. He texted her in Spanish. She speaks no Spanish. She texted him back, "I dont want us to tex me in spanish. I Dont know what u saying" His reply, "I say were are u goen and I let u kno I one 2 be u boy frend" Still him, "Y u no tex bak u no one 2 be my grid frend ?" Her answer finally, "U have to be my friend first." Dear Nabal again, "Ok yes frends" Who needs to make this stuff up with all these personalities! So I guess he is trying for the ll my life I want a pretty girl. Ok folks, I'm not dog meat myself. I look a good 15 years younger that I am and I get stares and compliments all the time. And not just from winos!

I hadn't been writing for a while because tax woes have come home to roost. He has always done what he felt like and it's catching up with us now. Money runs from him. He has never been able to keep any. I have amassed money only to have to dip into it to buoy his company. He has loaned money, so he can feel big. One year when we could not afford it he loaned $10,000. Found this out when he was jumping me for being irresponsible with money, and I knew it wasn't me. He said something about being mad at someone who owed him money and I had him tell me all the money he had out in loans. When it trickled back in he would spend it instead of putting it back. And he lost about $4,000 when someone skipped the country. I asked why when he had at that time 2 small children and no insurance would he loan out such amounts. He turned it back on me and said, You don't know what it is to be poor." Well... what could I say. His money. Now we face huge amounts from state and federal. The free loaders are still in the house, but we should be able to sell that and pay off pretty much everything else. After that I'll just take on the rest to be rid of him.

Yesterday our boy called me outside to witness my old car which he drives with 15 24oz beer bottles in the back seat and taco innards all over the console and sun flower seed shells spit all over the car. Nabal and Pablo used it Sunday morning. I was leaving for church and Pablo was sitting under our tree in the front yard. I thought this was odd, when I was pulling out he tipped a 24 in a paper bag up and took a swig. I go out at 9am... So seems they drank all morning and went to church at 3. Drove the church bus and all...

So school is going great and I am very good at what I do. I will be picking up a night job very soon and all of a sudden he is telling me that it will probably be too much for me. He thought I was only talking to hear myself talk. Ha! I have not worked outside the home all these years because he is the type of man who needs to provide, and it has allowed me to be able to raise the children first hand. Which I am thankful for, but the trade off has gotten too steep. While I build the kids up, he tears them down. My bright boy is hanging with a Nabal approved crown and dumbing himself down and skirting the tough guy act. I'll be glad when he can be himself, his smart, athletic self. And not have to hang around with a lot of kids he likes, but for the most part his sister refers to as slow. Bad move. He needs to be able to stand with his peers and not do as his father does. Nabal surrounds himself with needy people so he can feel superior, I don't want my boy to be like that. It is a torturous life, never to feel anyone can be equal or better then you and be ok with that. Not better, some people are better at some things than others and that's ok. Nabal dubs those people as stupid, so he can feel superior.

Waiting to see what God has in store... This whole thing may just surprise me by it's ending just the way is surprised the original Abigail. Don't think she saw that coming either. I don't like what I have become. A sneaky, bitter, bitchy person. I don't like it. I have been bitter for years, it is now finally being at least aimed where it should have been all along. At the undermining alcoholic.

So Nabal has a loner phone until his is fixed. Lucky me! He never knows how to work them at first. So who is the first text to? Mary... The next are about young Pablo, seems he's bee on a drug bender for 3 days. No sleep and out of control. The boy had given all that up and was going to church. Guess he met the devil there. Thanks Nabal. I'm praying that Nabal doesn't have to answer for all the folks he has lead astray. He can only have that happen if he turns himself around.

Thursday

Thursday was an awful day.

Wednesday

Our boy is now coming out of a double whammy case of strep and sinus infection, and today our girl goes in for more oral surgery. Yesterday I was trying to tell Nabal what to do if the boy woke and was hungry while he was at school and he cut me off and reminded me that he had church, unless I wanted him to stay home. I just told him no and told him everything was under control. He was going to be home with the boy for an hour. I need the boy to be well enough to look out for our girl tonight. If not I found out that I can afford to take a day from school if needed. Nabal can't be counted on after last time.

Yesterday I had to go out into the back yard to look for something for a neighbor and did find, on a flat bed trailer, one of my good dishes and a fork. So I figure that many of my missing dishes are out there. Annoys the heck out of me. He gets drunk and takes dishes, silverware and pots outside. He never brings them in. I have plenty of styrofoam plates and plastic utensils but Nabal has to have the real deal. He thinks it makes a statement, or it's one of his bug a boos about lazy American women. Spanish women don't use dishwashers (a matter of pride with most of them) and American women are too lazy to wash dishes so they use paper plates. No... it never crosses their mind about breakage. A matching set of dishes means nothing to Nabal. My last full set is down to 2 bowls, 2 plates each large and small, and no coffee mugs. Another thing with Nabal, He uses ceramic cups for his coffee. He takes them in his truck, to work, everywhere. I bought through the years insulated coffee cups with lids just like the gas station ones he will drink from and he will not use them, I have bought him any number of travel mugs... I use them eventually. He doesn't like to drink coffee from plastic??!?!?!? He will though purchase coffee from the gas station and not transfer it to his mug but drink from one of their disposable cups... We've all got our quirks, but this one has sacrificed a many a set of coffee mugs over the years. I purchase "his" mugs from the second hand or dollar stores. They match nothing, I try to make them interesting, they have no chips, and yet he will always find he likes the sets better and one by one they will disappear. Our boy says he has seen them left at jobs, or hit the ground when the truck door opens. His brothers would do the same thing with our glasses. I am very visual and buy visually pleasing glasses. I have one blue one left. The others are small shards that are still on the concrete drive where Nabal's brother worked on cars. I can understand them liking the glasses, but for outdoors I have a wholesale store size bag of paper cups, 16 oz, so ample size. They all have this quirk about preferring glass.When something breaks you only notice when they all start to disappear. His mother complained of this one year, went on and on. I bought her a set of glasses on our next visit. She told me how she could never keep a set with them around. When I have time I will have to go searching the back yard for the rest of my plates and whatever silverware was with them. That also disappears. I am down to not having a full set of anything. In my life and family, if you take something outside you bring it back in, man or woman. In Nabal's world once it's dirty it's a woman's problem.

Yeah, no backwards glance from me decision.

Monday

One thing that riles me is how Nabal wants to be touchy felly in church to set a scenario. After finding all his texts and knowing what he is up to I found it odd last night that he very quietly asked me if I were still his wife. I was drifting off to sleep and instead of waking to answer I just drifted. I heard him snort like he was annoyed. He will just use it as an excuse. Double Mexican standard again. His reality is that men can do as they please and the wife waits around and quietly accepts her place. This must be why he has been harping lately on Mexicans should marry Mexicans. Yes. If his goal is to go out, whore around and come home to June Cleaver. Then... yes.

Our boy told me that Nabal and Pablo were smoking weed in the front of the truck while our boy and his friend that worked with them this summer were in the back of the cab... Don't ever question my leaving this addict. This isn't a double cab, but one that has the half door and the jump seats.

Saturday

This is going to be a long one...

Nabal was as usual to busy to go to our boy's game. He had to take the protege home... He was as could be expected drunk by the time we got home. He said he wants to 'get' our boy. Why? Because he went out with his friends. The boy hates home. Nabal thinks all of us should just sit home until he is ready to interact. He said the boy is never home, the child was home, with a group of his friends all yesterday evening. Nabal never went and said a word to any of them.

He came in and regaled us with the tale of the Pablo story. So seems that a couple getting married had asked Pablo to cook carnitas for them. He was trying to locate a pig and got caught driving on a suspended license while stopped for a light out on his tags. Nabal started the story by telling us (twice) that he took the guy to jail. We questioned as to how that came about, he started to patronize us that the police had taken him to jail, and he wouldn't believe us when we told him what he said. Anyway. Nabal said he would cook for this wedding.... Well, they never did. He thought the whole story was humorous and kinds Oh well. I feel so sorry for those people. When he was in charge of the wedding in the spring, he was soooo mad when the food was a little late.

So he had me go out and get him something special to make him for dinner, then was so understanding when I was taking our girl to meet with friends. He ate, looked at TV for a while, took a shower, shaved, put on way too much aftershave. I could smell it all the way up the hall in the kitchen. I looked around the corner and could see he had his 'good' jeans on. He passed out on the bed. Couldn't resist, looked at his phone. He and Mary had been keeping up a conversation at least since 6:30 or so. ending up with him asking to take her out at around 10:00. She replied asking where he was going. So... It's on. Right before this he was talking about selling our rental property, building an apartment to rent out behind our house, buying an new house in the country, paying off his truck and buying me a new car. He spent more money in his head then he will get for the house. Oh yeah, and never mentioned paying off anything else we owe... The only realistic part of this is that we do have to, and we are going to sell the rental house as soon as the squatters leave. He actually told me I could 'pick up' a little job after all that. Now... why the hell does he think I am in school studying for a job that pays $25 an hour and that I love? To get some few hours a week job and put up with his crap. Hell no! This ain't Mexico! I'm not going to sit home while he goes out with every whore in town, waiting for him to get home so I can feed him! He had better go out there and get with Isela, she'll put up with his shit, she was raised in the same place he was and has the same 'traditions.' He really has lost his damn mind!

Nabal came and asked me what was wrong if muscles vibrated. He said he thinks his phone is vibrating and when he takes it out realizes it is his muscle in his leg. Seems to be happening all over his body. Gotta look that one up.

Also I noticed he has another friend's car in our yard. He has turned our yard into a stereotypical Mexican yard- full of cars. Well, bless Pete! He has been working on it for days now. Funny, when my car needs anything I have to do it myself, our boy helps, or have it done. And I mean blown bulbs, windshield wipers, washing. In fact the last time he needed wipers he complained loudly to a friend that he didn't have time and no one helped him that I went and bought them and put them on his truck. He didn't even say thank you. Just made some smart assed comment. I threw the old wipers in the back of his truck and went into the house. Never mentioned it again.

Friday

Not a bad day, a church day so Nabal is abstaining. I was again working and could not have calls. He didn't have money and forgot the water. He called me 3 times. The water cooler was, last I saw it used to cool beer bottles. This is his day to take a break from drinking. Well, at least for the last few weeks and is drink Gatorade. Young Pablo had his truck taken away because of a suspended license. That boy was born and raised here yet is straining to be a true Mexican. So Nabal had to go and search to find out where it was and get it back for him. He really takes care of those he loves... Or is it those that show adoration... He acts so normal sometimes, but I have come to realize that act is the operative word here.

Well... I was oh, so, wrong. So since Nabal is not drinking he fell asleep early. Had his cell on the night stand. I left the room and returned in 5 minutes or so and it was gone. He was supposedly asleep... Probably under his pillow again. So, drunk or sober, church or not. Funny I wasn't going to check up on it tonight. One he is sober and fully functioning (aside from his dope smoking) so he will erase. And two, each day he is sober I really still do have hope that it will stick and that he will change. Why am I still so gullible if just in the back of my mind. I personally can't get over what has happened in all these years, but he was once, I guess, a good guy. He has stuck around for all these years. So I hope he can pull out of this. He does not have to be his mother, alone, grasping and greedy. Another reason we all need to be away from the day to day. I learned long ago that it is no use hating anyone. You harbor all the emotion, you handle all the stress, you are stuck while the object of your hate is off enjoying life. Not thinking about you. So with that emotion reserved only for the pervs of this world I tend to life and let live. Forget injustices pretty easily and react to people as they present themselves. This is trouble when it comes to liars. Not my forte...

Thursday

I got home from school and the kids were still out. Nabal was home and all the lights were out. As I got out of the car I could hear him somewhere talking on the phone. He came in after the kids got in and asked if I was home yet. I came out and there he is eyes beet red and him swaying. "Hey, you're home early." I looked at my watch and it was 11:38. I told him and he comes over and pretty much used me for balance and said, "It's time to go dance." He was still filthy from work. I suggested that it was time for him to go take a shower. He did do that and came out dressed in jeans and a T shirt. Oh yeah, and his belt. He proceeded to go lay down on the bed and is there, fully dressed, passed out... snoring.

Our boy can't take it any more so he is going to go back to his friend's house. We are going to see what he can work out with the boy's mother about staying there at least until I'm out of school in February. I can at least do something about contributing food. No one wants to be around the constant drinking. Today when we got home from school Nabal and the protege were already sitting in the truck sucking on limes an... drunk. That was 4:15. He drove off immediately. I wonder if the toll on his body is anywhere near the toll it is taking on his family. Fir the first time in my life I wish I could just fast forward to February and have a job in my career and be in the position to release Nabal, which will really release all of us.

So. the private calls that he knows nothing about are back. At least tonight. He talked 28 minutes to the unknown person, and that is why I heard him talking somewhere and also why he didn't know when I got home. I think he knew, he was close enough for me to hear him. He just looks for things to lie about. Or he could have seen me and forgotten...

Wednesday

Came home from school to find that Nabal was not home. He left very early in the evening, after he ate and took a shower. Mr responsible left our girl 14 home alone all that time. He didn't even bother to tell her he was leaving, she just realized that she was alone. He wandered in at 12:30 am talking on his phone. He laid down on the sofa and is now passed out. Yes, he is leaving one way or another. I am tired of subconsciously counting on him to be a dad and have him fail miserably. Today I found out he has for the last week not only left the basement door unlocked, but open. I have been on him for years in his careless handling of security in our house. The simple things like locking doors when he leaves and someone else is home. He did at lease lock the front door when he left. What if someone would have been watching our house and knew our girl was home alone? Anything could have happened. And he in all that would have found a way to either blame me or our boy. Never himself.

Tuesday

So this morning Nabal didn't remember our boy getting home last night, and he didn't remember talking to me as he asked the same questions about school as he did when I got in. He's off to work, so maybe he won't drink as much.

Did I mention that the credit card finally died. He was running us to the poor house. The strip died about a month ago so no more "Chaaaargit!" I only have $400 to go and it's paid off! A drunk and a credit card should never be allowed out together.

A recollection. This summer our boy bought a wooden puzzle ball. When he got home he wanted to share it with Nabal. Nabal, who was drunk, looked at the ball in his hand, then dropped it on the floor where it splintered apart. He had a very superior look and evil grin. He said, "It didn't bounce." Then laughed. Kept looking at us as if we were killjoys for not getting his joke. See, we live in a house of things broken by the drunk. Old things and new. Nabal never replaced it or offered to. The boy was so mad because for him it was a symbol of something new. I do need to replace it when we have money. I have seen his brothers do similar things thinking it was very funny, and telling anyone who got mad that they were being sensitive or lecture them about being attached to material things. They will make a great show of, "Well if you're going to cry about it, I'll buy you a new one." But that never happens. If you remind them the answer is always, "Pinche (whatever!" Like they are being unjustly bothered. You are annoying.

Why do I believe Nabal when he says he will make dinner for us? I got everything he needed. When I got home from school he had just run in. He made eggs for himself. Then remembered to ask if he could go get everyone else something. Kids ate for themselves and I just wasn't hungry. I went to the kitchen and there was a bottle of juice on the floor. Then I realized what had happened when I put it back in the refrigerator. Nabal had knocked it down getting the eggs out of the fridge and just never bothered to pick it up. Egg shells were on the stove. He was mad at our boy and let slipped by saying under his breath, "Yes, I'm taking him with me." So... he does remember. And he is, to my knowledge sober. Not a minute later he was being rude, trying to be romantic. I realized that his version of romance is the rude stuff guys say to each other when they are immature young men. He is over 40! He has been using the same stale lines for years and just cracks himself up. As any pimple faced sophomore in a locker room would. I guess I'm lucky towel snapping isn't his favorite past time.

I see he was texting Isela at 11 this morning. She was working. Well, that's going to be fun when he pulls his control thing on her. See, everyone is supposed to be available whenever he wants to talk. I was on a shift where there are no phones allowed, and he knows it. But he called twice anyway. He wanted to check on a bill I was to send out. I'm sure it was a bee in his bonnet. He has done this in the past, then complains that I won't answer his calls. will tell him I can't he will say I won't. Such an insecure man! Wait until he has a job where he can't talk on the phone anytime he wants to. He must have been texting up a storm today. He even texted me, which went to my email, then called to ask if I got it. When I said no he hung up. I had to call him back to ask what he said. Very simple he wanted the checking balance. Yet he couldn't ask that when he called/ He's covering. Must have been someone there who might have asked who he was texting and he likes to be able to show them my name...