Wednesday

Just realized he takes the dog covers off the sofa and sits with his dirty construction pants... It's my grandparents antiques, so one day I'll have the reapolstered. When he is a long distant memory. Just finished cutting the grass. I'm remembering Nabal saying in our early years, "Why do I have a wife if I have to do XYZ for myself?" I'm asking myself the same thing looking down the long clear road of hindsight. He does only the big flashy projects. The fence, once I got tired of waiting and started putting in fence posts. The back patio which everyone loves. The driveway which took 2 years as it sat as a mud hole. Iron rails fell down 13 years ago. They are I guess in the garage still... The upstairs shower is still waiting to be grouted after a year. He just never has time! Of course he spits that at me when he needs something done. "Oh, I guess you don't have time to do this or that for me. You never have time for me." I'm a retainer wife, just like a lawyer. I want to fire my client!

If anyone ever reads these... I'd like to apologize for the mispellings and such. Most of these posts are typed from my phone, even the long ones.

Tuesday

Self fulfilling prophecies, and the men who create them. Nabal calls this morning right at the crucial time of herding everyone out the door and to school. Our boy can't sleep and is always dragging in the morning. Our girl isn't a morning person. I answered and he says, "Hey Lady! (with a smile) get a pen and paper and write this down. Are you ready?" I told him that i was trying to move out the door so no one would be late... So, after I get back I call and he goes into his whine, "I get the impression that you don't want to deal with me anymore." Aside from the fact that that is absolutely true, I do engage for the company. He does this all the time. If I tell him I'll be working he'll call every single time. If I give him hours I'll be out of reach he'll come up with some 'emergency' at the exact same time. The outcome is that- I never answer his calls, I'm not willing to help, I purposefully ignore him, I need to be a team player. He expects life to be dropped when he needs something. I believe they are really test set forth by him that are guaranteed to fail and he has a platform. Much like the platform he was working off of this past Saturday. As we left for our boy's soccer game Nabal was working on his truck, drunk. He has a big F250 and he's 5' 4. He was standing on a folding card table chair that he keeps outside for he and his buddies when they drink. On that was precariously perched an old metal drawer set about a foot in height. As we drove away all I could think was, "There's an accident waiting to happen..." This is our boy's last year of high school. He wants to go into the military next June and still Nabal won't go to his soccer games. When he does all he does is criticize him for not making a goal. The boy is defense and damn good at it! He keeps the other team out, many times by himself. He's revered on all the teams he's on, yet all his dad sees is that he doesn't make goals... Ass! In one way it's better that he doesn't go, but it hurts the boy either way. Nabal would go last year when the boy played on a men's team but would leave if the game wasn't 'good' as he only really likes to look at pro games. It's all about him. If he isn't entertained than he won't go or stay anywhere. All about him. Has he ever done anything purely for someone else? The more I think the more I doubt it.

He has jobs and money coming in. He never counts the monthly bills... I'm getting closer to a job locally! I can not wait for the day when all his money will be his! I won't have to touch a penny.

Monday

Why do I even listen anymore. He says today that because of the money we owe the IRS he's going back to Mex after an anticipated prison term. And will take our boy with him. Realize the boy will be 18 in the spring, has a deep hatred for his dad for abuse, has promised to go into the military, which we are all trying to talk him out of because he's so bright he can join after college. He's wavering between law and physics. And Nabal wants him to become his business manager. Now I Mexico. Just this summer the poor boy expressed dislike for Hispanic people because of the dishonesty of his father and many others around us. Nabal asked if I could handle Sissy... I'd try to clean this place up and rent it and move north as soon as school was up in the spring. But, tomorrow or in an hour he'll be here declaring undying love and trying to find yet another way to get me to bed. And he's already changed and is talking bankruptcy. He's wondering why his truck isn't paid off. When I told him it's because he has a high interest rate. He became the victim, 'I wish I had someone to tell me these things...' Mind you he brought the truck home without consulting anyone. Signed the papers and never called anyone to ask any advice. I told him several years ago to switch the loan during the good times, but he didn't. So, he didn't ask anyone, and when I did advise him he didn't listen. Victim...

Sunday

Another week. Just feeling depressed. I don't seem to be able to move any way, be it forward or backward. Nabal is trying to act normal. Accused of being harsh because I won't sweep every thing under the rug and get back in that bedroom! Now he asks what he can do to make things right... Too little, too late. Always trying to touch me to stroke my skin. I feel revulsion. One minute he's talking the church speak, but it's always soon followed by the outpouring of his real motive- to control a church body. Poor woman who is now their pastor. He never calls her by name still. Either the little lady, or the lady. He still wants to take her and 'run' a church. He wants a church for himself... He was drunk pretty much every day this week, even after church. I've just got to shake this depression. Nabal said this week that his life is over. As soon as he pays all the bills off he's going to die... Maybe another head game. He's trying to talk our boy out of the military. So the boy can run his business for him. Since it would take him a while to make money at physics... Maybe I'm jaded, I just see him being controlling. I just hope in his talking he doesn't push the boy further into his resolve to go into the military.

Sunday

I guess Nabal smoked himself onto cloud 9... Our girl (15) came downstairs and told me he was 'Chinese eyed' and looking at his gospel show. He's giggeling and telling her that she has to go to church with him from now on. I'm all for church but he just makes a mockery of it for the kids... Kids and I have still been sick. This stuff just turns into a chronic sinus event. Nabal was saying he has the same but it's his stomach. He was trying to convince us that we were having stomach problems too... His problem is beer-itis! He can hardly make it to the bathroom anymore... He's just refusing to see what the alcohol is doing to him.

Tonight at almost 11 he told our girl it was too early for her to go to sleep... This week he has been drunk almost every night. He finally did fill his prescription for the cream for his legs.

I'm figuring where the money went. He paid to sneak his brother in t fix his truck. That's not cheap and since his brother was caught, a waste. While his brother was in jail who paid his part for their mother and the man's wife? Now his leg is broken again and the infection is back. Who is generating income for him? Yup, cheaper to have gotten the trucks fixed than all that. And Nabal is always crying about not having money. I'm figuring that's about $5,000 right there! Trucks are all broken down now...

Last week he, after trying to grope me and me in no uncertain terms telling him no. Laughed and said, "You don't think you still belong to me, but you do and always will." He ran up the stairs laughing. Weird I was looking at 'Stranger In My Bed' and 'Enough.' Trying to pick up pointers.

Monday Morning

A day of cleaning up all that didn't get done last week... So the auto insurance company he said was too expensive and he walked away from telling me he never liked the owner is the company he has assigned me to put his trucks on with today. Why? I don't think he's kept up with his payments and he can't blame me. Though he has tried! I made sure I kept completely out of that business. He now claims it was way too expensive. Earlier he said he didn't have time to go pay them. That was after spending 3 days with no work and disappearing most of the day and returning drunk. Oh, and he has court tomorrow. He never had time to put his trucks in the shop. The times I have tried he always has a problem with the people. Everyone is cheating him. I really don't want him back on the same insurance as me... I need time to build my company and I know he's going to block me and try to drain my time. I need clear uninterrupted time which I never seem to find.

Monday

Nabal made food this morning to take to his church to sell. That's the way they raise money. He drives the church van still. I went out to drop our girl with friends and by the time I got home he was already loaded and very happy that he sold all the food. He disappeared for a while and came in drunker. Started telling me about his new pastor, a woman brought in from the old pastor's college. The old pastor is an abuser whose wife tried to leave him until he threatned to gain sole custody of their kids. The new pastor knows about him and she knows enough to watch Nabal. I'm not talking until it's time. If anyone there is interested they can ask any of the hundred or so people in town who have seen him drunk and out partying, or the people from the other church who watched him drink himself drunk while texting and laughing while his drunk workers fought. Informations out there. So, he starts by telling how well she preaches and how smart she is. With a gleam in his eye he tells how the old pastor doesn't go there anymore. Calls it professional courtesy. Then says she has a big problem living in his house. I didn't comment. Then out of nowhere he says, "She talks too much sh*t." What!! And I asked nonchalantly the same. He mumbles about her saying things to the ex-pastor. Abusers circle your wagons!! All this looking for life like an old gossiping woman. Then he tells me she was the churches choice for their church about 10 years ago, but her husband was having an affair. There was glee in his eyes. He goes on to say that if she had listened to God's call then their church would have been better. Did he just really find a way of blaming all their church's woes on the woman because 'her' husband was behaving badly and standing in the way of her not following a request? Yup! Then he goes on about how she can't take the ex-pastor on without her husband. This woman was one of his professors! She carries herself humbly and they will take that as weakness. Neither realize she was brought here with full knowledge of the area head pastor. I would never know the woman's name if I hadn't met her. Nabal refers to her as 'the little woman' never once by name. Maybe she was sent here to blow the sins of these 2 fools open...

I've been really sick with a flu-like virus half of last week. He helpfully told me today I'd gotten behind with the wash. He didn't quite believe I was as sick as I said I was until his church people started getting sick and couldn't move for 3 days. He accusatorially asked what I had. Then 'allowed' me validation since Sister Reina and a man had the same thing. Bully for me! Later after he was really drunk and high he comes downstairs while I was doing wash. "Let's go to sleep mama." then tries a gropeing hug. Turns my stomach to knots. He says in my ear. "I want panochita." Not translating just know it's street vulgar. Then stands up, pouts, and says "You don't like Poppy no more." Then laughs and runs upstairs. Goes and directs the mariachi band as he listens with headphones. Goes out and turns on the Christian channel. And I guess he's passed out. Bat crazy! Earlier I thought I had to go out and got in my truck. The seat was normal, but it reeked of alcohol. I'd just gassed up so knew the milage. He'd made at least one beer run. While drunk... That brings us to now. Back to the business of getting out of here when the sun rises.

Sunday

All the trouble was at the beginning of the week, Wednesday to be exact. Nabal came in late around 11:30. Dinner that night had been breakfast, bacon and omlets with onion, portabellas, tomatoe and cheese. He came downstairs and started in on me about something he wanted me to change about myself then suddenly got up said there was no talking to me and went upstairs. I could hear cast iron banging everywhere. The stove, the floor, then something else I couldn't recognize. I could hear violence in every sound. Finally I went upstairs realizing he was hungry. I had saved some of the sauted veggies for his omelete. He had kielbasa in a small frying pan and much of it was on the floor. Said he wanted nothing from me. My cooking was 'bu-sh*t' all my cooking was... I disappeared back down the steps. Texted the kids to close doors and stay out of his way. I prayed he would pass out as soon as he sat down, and that's just what happened. Thank you Lord! Next morning I found that he had out a clever and had been chopping with it with all his force in the small cast iron pan. That next evening he was home when the kids and I got in. He whistled to us as we came in motioned me to come sit next to him and watch TV. Wasn't happening... For him nothing noteworthy happened. I'm wondering if he is trying to turn a corner. It's my absolute line in the sand if he ever touches me. I'm done already and trying to get myself together. If he hit me it would be instantly over. I don't know if I ever wrote down his explanation for driving the kids and friends while he was drunk. On the church van as soon as he got home from church. He told me while he was sober- Someone had to take them... You weren't around. (I was in school. I would have taken them on the weekend.) He wasn't drunk! After I described his behavior he just said he'd have to speak with the kids. Laughed a little at his antics. Was more amused than anything. This I brought up a few months ago when he was not understanding why I was sleeping in the basement and so distant. He still looked befuddled, probably a ploy to convey the implausability of my rememberances. Well I'm on to that and never fall for it again.

Monday

Funny how kids see stuff and file it... Talking to our boy today and now I'm more certain than ever that company has been kept afloat by the grace of God for years! He told me people will call him and he will forget and they have to call him repeatedly. Nabal won't write anything down... Today he tells me his big old truck has a cracked transmission. He bought a newer one last week that is all he's ever wantedm double cab long bed, but it's an automatic. He comes in and needs gas money. He says he needs to find and buy a truck that uses less gas. Something around $1500. He has a 2005 Nissan Frontier sitting out front with a busted clutch that will cost $1500 to fix... That thought didn't cross his mind until I mentioned it... He has 5 vehicles and only one works. My truck isn't included in the count, nor my car he loaned out to any of his friends who needed a car for months at a time. All any of them ever did was put gas in them. I have had to clean mud and drywall mud out of it. Now it sits because it needs gear oil in the clutch. The last time this happened was about 10 years ago. I bought it and put it in then too. I've been looking for the books to get the right weight. He just runs every vehicle into the ground. It wasn't always like that and it wasn't only when we had money. He got his brother thrown in jail this year trying to sneak into America. Away from his family and business, just to fix his trucks... The rest of his cars? A half finished Studebaker. And a Galaxie he hasn't touched since his bad drinking a few years ago. It's rusting out in the yard. I did get him to get rid of a skelotal Mustang that had vines growing inside once I started getting mice in the house. Our lovely back yard where we once cooked out, put up tents for birthdays and spent a lot of time just enjoying is now a junk yard. Lots of broken crap collected from all over. Oh, and a boat... big boat. All of us refused to go out on it with him... knows nothing about the sea, drinks like a fish, smoked weed like there's a shortage and is fairly immature. Nope! Not getting trapped on the water with that! I'm just trying to pull a company together ASAP!

Sunday..

Last night was one of those nights. Nabal really got sloshed. He was cursing all over the house. Got mad because he was talking and kept stalling to keep me standing there waiting for him to get to the point. I started folding clothes and the dogs started barking. He points up like as in go check. I figured just one more example of him not even doing what most men do, checking on things around the house. He blew a gasket about me not listening to him, starts cursing. He tells me he has some guy who will put a new roof on our house for $800. Not sure I believe that or if I'd trust the job. He goes past me on the steps and turned fast when he was on the step above me. He ever so slightly fell forward. I'm almost sure it was an intimidation move. He didn't really seem to lose his balance and all the while cursing. Later he sees our daughter on the phone and decides to follow her around telling her he has something very important to tell her. She was talking to a friend who only has a very limited amount of phone time. When she got off and went to see what her father wanted he claimed to have forgotten, but assured her it had been very important. Control, pure and simple. Then he comes back downstairs about an hour later smiling, looking for a kiss good night. "Give me a kiss." looking very innocent when I declined. Later I went up and there he is passed out and the TV blaring a Christian channel. The kids tell me it's his new kick...

Today our boy tells me a new twist in Nabal's hypocracy. Seems he's been found out by his long time friend Hector. Said friend was trying to tell him he couldn't lead the church the way he drinks and smokes weed. Somehow Nabal had to use his phone and had the opportunity to go through it. Seems he found pictures of naked women. Came out and used it as leverage. Extorted $20 from Hector and if he didn't give it to him he'd tell his wife. A lovely Christian woman I've known for years. So, how do I know all this? Our son. Nabal triumphantly told him all this. Proudly told his son that when he found the pictures he had the man and he couldn't tell anyone. All of this is so wrong on so many levels... He is very proud that he is being called the pastor over there. The even sent me an invitation to the 'Senior Pastor's Wives Conference' in Pigeon Forge. So very wrong. He is a disgrace to everything moral and honest. And what in the world would possess him to brag all this to his son? Then again one never knows what part of this if any is true. One thing for certain, God knows the whole truth and he'll sort it all out. It's like he wants company in hell so he stands in front of our children so they won't trust anyone. I'm making money little by little. With God's grace I'll make it out with the kids.

Friday

All day long clearing the vines choking all our shrubs. Yesterday he talks about cutting down bushes because they look bad. Not clean them out... Cut them down altogether. Today I realized why he says that. He knows I'll do the work if I think he'll destroy it all. Then he says I'm so funny about the plants he doesn't want to touch them. I just don't want them all cut to the ground to not have to shape them to look presentable. Finished everything except pulling the grass out of the carnations and he comes and wants to help. He saw I bought a new hedge trimmer because our old one had jamed twice and the last time I couldn't fix it. He says, "the old one is in the back of the Subaru." I said well it hadn't worked. He says, "Ive been using it." Where??? Not at our house! Our front yard was so overgrown it looked like no one lived here. I realized one thing I'd never realized before- I don't have a man in my house, I have an alcoholic... He does get out and work each day. Thank God for that. That's where it ends. He makes messes which he expects 'someone' else to clean up. He's an entitled man. I also realized why he's always so big on each of us doing something alone. He always has something to say if one of us helps the other. If we 'all' worked together, his absence would be evident and his game would be up. This week he left half empty beer bottles all over the house. They got knocked over, cleaned up and left where they were put. Three days! We are all moving along with life. I got a very good job this week. My company is coming together. I have good people on board. Life is coming back.

Nabal went to the doctor yesterday. He suddenly had to have a 'skin' doctor. So he got someone at his church to find him one. He said the doctor said he had extremely dry skin. He's had gold bruise type spots from his knees dpwn. They had pinpoint red spots. Now they are itchy and breaking out. They gave him medicine he hasn't filled yet. Ok.