Monday

And it's only the beginning... So much to write, but I'm so sick of his antics it is a chore even to write. Tonight... I tried to give him his dinner at about 8 p.m. but he'd just come back in the house with his beer and didn't want to eat. 11:30 p.m. and he's ready to eat! I made bread, have cured ham slices, put them together with an egg fried with spinach and cheese. I had to make them as they were eaten. Came upstairs and he'd dumped some day old rice from a restaurant into the spinach. When I asked he immedietly blamed our girl. I'm just so tired of his lies to get out of any responsibility I snapped. He immedietly turned it all as a little joke that I'd blown up. Then he plays the victim... I'd embarassed him in front of the child. Then he starts asking something about Facebook sign on. Then innocently asked how I knew everything in his texts. Told him I didn't. After a while I told him that was a year ago and I don't check anymore. He asked why... Told him I just didnt care anymore. He asked why... I said why should I? Then he actually said, "Oh, you don't care about me anymore." He really can get to victim from anywhere...

So he really doesnt like his new pastor. Keeps saying she is bi-polar. Says with one breath she is stupid and immedietly has to correct because she really is very smart. She is very new to the country. He is so upset this week because everyone is leaving and he wants to bring them back. How? Who knows... Why? This is part of what worries me. If he won't let people leave a church without a fight with him, how am i going to get out of this crazy marriage? The guy who was preaching, Nabal found out some photos then later carries him back to church. Today he says he should, and has the right to kill him or kick his ass... Seems he loaned the guy $1,200 then kept loaning him more money. My guess is he's never paid a dime back. But still... nice church talk. He's talking about going to get people who left years ago... Finally the couple who do the music just left. He wondered why they didnt just say they wanted to leave. I said that the last time they tried you harassed them until they returned. Maybe they found out the truth. He blames the pastor because she wanted to buy their car but would have to make payments. all the while calling all of them stupid. Wrong heart..

Friday

Nabal has got to be 46 going on 16. Yesterday he came bustling in the house, not noticing our girl and 4 of her friends in the living room watching TV. He quickly tried to hide his beer... I've realized our house isn't a safe place for teens: Beer, and a bad example of it's use. Marijuana and drug paraphernalia left out all over the house when Nabal drinks too much, which is all the time. Lately it's been night time cold medicine. Our girl has many friends from school that use cold meds to get high. They can't come to our house. Nabal leaves it sit out all over the place. Kitchen counter, living room. Large bottles of the stuff he uses to sleep any night he's not drinking himself to sleep.

Wednesday

Work than church. Got home and the kids had a few friends over all sitting in the living room watching TV. Nabal wasn't home. Our boy took my truck out to take all the kids home. Nabal came in talking on the phone. He was speaking English and I wasn't paying any particular attention. Finally I heard something in his voice, that charm, the sound of a lie coming out. So I listened closer, then it dawned on me that with my car gone and me separating clothes and putting them in the machine which is quiet. He didn't know I was home. It wasn't until I heard his slightly slurred voice, "Well, I just call you to complain... Complain about someone I love so much. My wife (his voice drops) never answers my calls... I (something) a little lady." (giggle) I stopped listening I could hear he was giving whoever he was talking to advice. His voice changed no more lies. Wonder if he's pulling one of his ladies in with the old misunderstood act. Caught him 2 years telling Isela that he was being mistreated... He only half lied. Today he called while I was working. I called him as soon as I was done. He always does that. Will call when he knows I can't answer the phone so he can honestly say I didn't answer. I'm sure he's talking to Mary again. Saw he's writing hi on everything on Facebook, her wall, her photos. Folks new to FB really should be careful...

Tuesday

Nabal has been sort of low key lately. Today he was studying to teach at his church tonight... Our girl and two friends from school come in to watch TV. She calls me in and there next to Nabal's bible sat hit weed pipe and lighter. I just shook my head and left it. When Nabal was ready to leave he goes in to get his bible. Acting pretty prim and proper. Comes into the kitchen snickering then babbled something about I should get the thing off the table. I pretended ignorance. He may have overheard us talking. He leaves very early. I went downstairs to do some more laundry while I was cooing dinner. I heard the phone ring coming up the steps. "I've called 3 times!" Very annoyed. Told him I was in the basement. He says I need to go into the livingroom and put a rag or something over his pipe he left there, then hung up. I could see it all plainly then. He wanted me to go do something with it so those kids would think it belonged to me! Rotten man!

Wednesday

Nabal is in rare form... I have been had jobs and an interview this week which is putting me at 3 days of work then I'm free the rest of the week. Nabal very angrily decided to say, "Oh, so now you're working every day?" I missed his call this morning, and called him back. By the time he called back he's telling me that I never return calls. I'd just gotten my coffee and was still slow, He asks if I was still tired. (I'd had to wake at 3 a.m. to tell our boy to go to sleep, and the interview yesterday was hands on and I was drained from anxiety. Also I took our girl to the larger city about 45 minutes away to do some shopping since she had been trapped in the house for Monday and Tuesday since I was working. He wanted to know why I had to do that... He really does expect us to sit around until he's available. And that is each and every day! He gives some sound that says I don't have a right to be tired. For some reason I did say not tired just not up to speed yet. Sipping coffee. "Oh, I guess you're not a morning person?" Really? Have I ever been? He lectures me that our realtor sent me an email and I didn't answer. It's about a house he wants to buy. Really just wasting the lady's time... He tries to tell me it's about some client who wants to rent than at a later date buy our house in the county. Yesterday he had me send a proposal to a company. I tried like I always do to tell him it needed more detail. He made it sound like I was working too much to get his work done. I sent it with what he told me. An hour later he calls to give me their number, which I'd already tracked down and faxed the papers. Later in the afternoon he called that they needed more detail. I'd asked him to write it down in the first place. He seems to like me to take dictation... So he starts shooting off numbers and details and he knew I was driving. So, I told him and he got a little heated, said he didn't want the job anyway and hung up the phone. Back to this morning- I told him I had asked him to write it down. His counter was that he was waiting for me to get home so he could give it to me and I went to sleep... No matter what, here it is, step back- It's my fault! He doesn't bother to ask do I have a pen just starts spouting numbers and details. Yeah... I kept up. He gets this poor pitiful me voice going. Well, I guess if you are going to be working you don't have time to do things for me. I still have time for one. He just holds everything and needs them right away. I make up for his dragged feet. He always needs me to drop everything and do what he needs. No planning, no warning just urgency. Second, I've told him he needs someone to do his bookkeeping. It's the first trait that makes the second necessary. It's a way to make any short fall of his my fault and he wouldn't be able to do that with someone else. Thinking back, he never schedules people out. Other people have months of jobs, instead he tries to do everything at once and feels rushed. Then I get the brunt of his frustration.

Found out that the protege has been missing work. The latest particular day though was possibly Nabal's doing. The man came to our house the night before and Nabal went to his room than left to take the guy home. I only knew this because he used my truck. Said he needs to train someone else to lay bricks. Yesterday he asked our boy his times in and out of school to get the boy to pick his people up and ferry them to and from work.

Monday

Monday, Monday... the empty 40 bottles are flying into the trash. Home sweet hell. He called today while I was at a meeting. I called when I got out, he didn't answer. Whe I got home he was on the phone for a while, as usual. He points to the phone at his ear. I walk on by unlike him. If he sees me on the phone he makes a point of starting a conversation, or trying to get touchy feely. Last night he sees me on my phone and takes a seat to start a conversation about how to play the guitar. I finally got the nerve up and told him I was on the phone and he was being rude. He snickered and went back upstairs. Anyway... He tells me he was looking for our boy. He stayed over at his friends from Africa. Nabal asks as he always does these days. "Is that alright with you?" That's why he called me... The boy didn't live at home most of last year, and did better than he did before he left. I wil just be very happy when he turns 18 in April. Nabal was being, a barely veiled racist yesterday and the day before. Saturday he was drunk. Dumb me, with what I know of him I very quietly mentally chalked it up to drunkeness. Yesterday was Sunday and he was sober and was acting the same. He's said things way too many times for it to be a slip, or misunderstanding. He feels everyone is racist towards Mexicans because he is a racist. He has called me names and excused it as drunken babble which he is not responsible for at all. He just laughs and never apologizes when he's sober. I guess really there is no apology so why fake it. The kids hear this... wonder how it makes them feel?

I truly want to make sure we are not here for our boy to have to return to this area. Nabal is trying to buy another house.... We owe our a$$es in taxes. I have not acted as if I want to continue being married to him, much less move to a new location with him. He's looking way out in the country in other counties. I've told him he can do what he wants. I don't see really having to actually worry about it at this time, the money just isne there. I want out of this state, and not with him at all. Well... he told me he was taking a shower at least 2 times tonight. Then asks me is that ok. Like he is asking if I give my permission. He's a nut job. Like he's trying to make me take responsibility for him. Like a mother. I just don't get him. Maybe it's just his latest head game I am not getting. I need a therapist, half hour for me the second for them to explain to me what the hell Nabal is doing.

Sunday

He's asking can we go to dinner alone... Beating a dead horse. He's minimizing anything he did in the past years. Now it's his hard time, just a little drinking in which time he never was anything but loving. My fault for being 'angry' and non communicative...

A saying has been going around Facebook: "A relationship without TRUST is like a car without gas, you can stay in it all you want, but it won't go anywhere." A friend commented: "Not true! If you push it it'll go down..." That my friends is what Nabal is doing! And we are slipping fast!

Heard our boy talking to a friend after his game yesterday. "When my dad used to come to games all he wanted to see was me make a goal." (he plays defense and is a monster at it.) "When I tried to tell him I'm defense he would tell me to run past everyone and just take the ball and make a goal. I'd tell him that everyone had positions and he would say, 'Don't listen to the coaches. They don't know what they are talking about.' " Isn't Nabal great? Never happy, always wants something more. He gives the feeling that whatever you are doing you could do better if you only tried or would be smarter. Yet always walks around talking about how people don't think he's good enough. Probably because he's so critical himself of everyone else he figures everyone else is of him. That or it's just a game so he can keep everyone feeling small. Always made the kid think he needed to be better to play so he never tried out for bigger teams. Thought we were lying to him, being nice, funny, and thought Nabal was speaking the truth.

Late Saturday

Odd day... Nabal actually asked whether our boy had a soccer game, but never asked where... Highlight of his day was buying a new shop vac to replace the one that got stolen. He came home toasty than drank a 6 pack. I picked our boy up from work. We came in and our boy had an old friend in tow. He's a refugee from Africa. We've known him for about 10 years. He's finished school and working and getting himself into college. He was very polite to Nabal and Nabal gave him a very odd look and greeting. His racist look. Later he comes to the basement to shower and asks where our daughter was. I assumed in her room. He asks were the boys with our boy staying the night. Ihadnt really thought about it and said so. The young man stayed last night. Nabal asked why they had to stay here. I could only answer that they were visiting with our boy. He asks, "And that's ok with you?" Such a racist jerk! Our boy had a ton of hispanic boys over last year some had dropped out of school, most drank or smoked weed or did other drugs. They all crashed here. Nabal had no problem with any of them being around. He loved joking with them and asking about their parents, being the cool Mexican. Our girl and I looked at a movie. Nabal passed out on the sofa.

Friday

So, found out the truth today. The guy who got pulled over for DUI and got his friend's truck confiscated was Pablito. Nabal is wondering what's going to happen to him and he seems concerned. Seems this is his third arrest in said truck. I'm thinking he's going to visit the pokie! Again... Nabal was not happy. Funny how all of them worry more about the drunk than who they could hit and kill. Even as far as sneaking one out of the country who had killed a passenger. That was before we met, and found out after we married. They paid the family of the dead guy to bury him. To them it just seemed no more than the price you pay for living the good life.

Nabal was running around today kept saying, "Give me a kiss chiquita! Are you going to sleep with me tonight?" I plainly said no. He asks very innocently why... I know the saying, 'If you build it, they will come.' But, if you believe it it will be true is a wild stretch. What is it in these sort of men that makes them think they can convince us that nothing happened. Every time he tries to kiss me I turn my head or cringe from my hair down. He just laughs. I even tell him straight and he will not listen. Will not take me seriously at all. Last night again he was talking about buying another house. Us buying another house... What will we get one where I have my own bedroom....?

Thursday

Paying bills... Noticed that Nabal is still using his credit card. He's almost $300 over his limit, and that stupid outrank he signed up for is still deducting from him. I can't pay the whole amount down because there's never enough money. because he spends from both ends, but I have one job and am looking into another. Next month I should be on my way! to making ends meet and not using his money. Well, at first I'm going half to put a little away and take some continuing ed credits. As soon as I can I'm going for taking the whole thing on.

Wednesday

Went to church, came home and he's sitting in his truck he just got fixed blasting mariachi music. I heard the music in the house and thought it was coming from inside somewhere... He's all bummed, a friend got his second DUI and they are holding the truck in impound 30 days unless someone goes to court to petition a judge. A 30 day hold will cost a tad over a thousand dollars. He was genuinely upset. I say right on! These guys hit and kill people and they just don't care. Hit them where it hurts, their pockets. Just different values. They think it's funny to get caught and a little slap on the wrist. This really irritated Nabal. He sounded like he thought it was unfair. Entitlement, plain and simple.

Tuesday

I realized someone can deny a reality without ever coming out and saying that didn't happen. It's way more subtle than that. This evening I'm riding through the 'hood' at the end of our street. When I was almost to the main street I saw a familiar face on the other side of the street and realized it was Pablito, then realized it was Nabal in his truck. Since he changed trucks he doesn't stand out so well and by the time I looked back he took off. Pablito doesn't live there... odd... A while later Nabal calls, "Where you going?" Very cheerful. I asked, "Why?" he sputtered a little. "Why are you acting like this?" He sounded genuinely hurt. Almost. If I didn't live all this crazy junk we call life! I asked why he always had to know where I was going when he never told anyone where he was going? He out and out lied, "I always tell you where I'm going." I said, "Really? You never say where you're going. Didn't you say men don't have to say where they are going? If you said that then you do not always say where you are going." He laughed... Not loud, but a chuckle like you got me. Then preceded to sound hurt. Later he's running around talking in some childlike voice like he's talking to a baby. Get me on Facebook, plug this in. I got so mad. I was working up hours from a job I had. I told him plug it in yourself. He wouldn't and finally I did. "Why you get so mad?" he said in a little lost voice. I said the cord is right at my feet you could have done it yourself. He has come to sit right beside me. I think to annoy me. He said, "But you're closer." By what? A foot? I told him he just wanted me to do something for him he could do for himself. He saw me with the calculator saw me with books out. To me that says he wants me to drop whatever I'm doing because however unimportant whatever he wants done, it's more important than whatever I'm doing. Subtle. And double subtle by the lie about him doing just the opposite of what he in reality does. I'm catching on. If he pretends... That's his game. He was looking for the medicine for his legs. I told him he probably moved it when he was drinking and didn't remember. "I remember everything." Good, now he can be responsible for all his bad behavior. Oh, where was Pablito going? Our boy told me Nabal always drops him to pick up the weed. That boy is probably on his last strike. Nabal is such a good role model...