Monday, May 31, 2010
Still Memorial Day
So far no beer bought- but his stash is a big bag! 1:14pm He's trying to do the family man thing. There's a hug around every corner. This after months of him ignoring us all...
Memorial Day
I think Nabal is suspecting he has an ulcer. Our boy says he mentioned something about ulcers the other day. We'll see if this get's him to stop drinking. He pulled up n front of the house a minute ago with his favorite drinking protege, did something with his phone then took off again. Either a call came in from his dealer, some slut around town or they are going to buy beer. It's 10:30 am. Just found out that his friends who he drinks with regularly share a woman... They are so drunk though that she steals all their money and cigarettes every weekend... Crazy what alcohol will make perfectly sane men put up with.
I caught up with a few of his text last night to his Colorado woman. She was asking if he had talked to Isela lately. He said no and asked if she had. I long to get my hands on that phone when he is done with it. Lord willing... He's good about erasing his replies, but keeps the women's side up. Ego thing, you think? Plus he gets a little sloppy when they are all in Spanish. He has so forgotten that I read better than I speak. Odd the women commented that he was mad- can't tell if she meant Nabal, or if Isela's husband caught all the dirty text he sent to her. There were some doozies. They are definitely having an EMA. Even the clean friendly text would be too numerous for a husband o be comfortable with. Gosh I wish I was financially good to support myself and the kids, because I'm pretty sure that when he goes I won't hear from him again. I overheard him tell a friend that his mother has told him he can come back to their home country. (i.e. to live with her and support her) They will be the gingham dog and the calico cat- they will get just that drunk one day... The last tale was that Isela's grandmother was dying in the hospital and she needed someone to talk to... an old friend... Never heard anything more about granma, I guess she pulled through. I also finally caught where he deletes calls... yesterday he had only 58 of 60. He's a sly little fox... I figured all along that he'd been doing that, just could never catch him at it before. Funny- his argument with himself for needing a new phone... he seems to be texting very clearly! The buttons must have miraculously fixed themselves...
By the way, several years ago I stumbled over Nabal and this Isela talking three- four times a daily- every day. I called him on it and he sighted the fact that he did not check my phone... I was not checking his phone, we run a business and was getting a number for our records. I never checked agin. After the fact I remembered him trying to talk me into moving to her city to invest in some real estate. Wouldn't that have been cozy... You all may think I'm nuts, but the Lord looks out for me and fights my battles! They were sweethearts, I wish them the best. Maybe she knows him well enough to calm the beast in him that makes him drink so.
I caught up with a few of his text last night to his Colorado woman. She was asking if he had talked to Isela lately. He said no and asked if she had. I long to get my hands on that phone when he is done with it. Lord willing... He's good about erasing his replies, but keeps the women's side up. Ego thing, you think? Plus he gets a little sloppy when they are all in Spanish. He has so forgotten that I read better than I speak. Odd the women commented that he was mad- can't tell if she meant Nabal, or if Isela's husband caught all the dirty text he sent to her. There were some doozies. They are definitely having an EMA. Even the clean friendly text would be too numerous for a husband o be comfortable with. Gosh I wish I was financially good to support myself and the kids, because I'm pretty sure that when he goes I won't hear from him again. I overheard him tell a friend that his mother has told him he can come back to their home country. (i.e. to live with her and support her) They will be the gingham dog and the calico cat- they will get just that drunk one day... The last tale was that Isela's grandmother was dying in the hospital and she needed someone to talk to... an old friend... Never heard anything more about granma, I guess she pulled through. I also finally caught where he deletes calls... yesterday he had only 58 of 60. He's a sly little fox... I figured all along that he'd been doing that, just could never catch him at it before. Funny- his argument with himself for needing a new phone... he seems to be texting very clearly! The buttons must have miraculously fixed themselves...
By the way, several years ago I stumbled over Nabal and this Isela talking three- four times a daily- every day. I called him on it and he sighted the fact that he did not check my phone... I was not checking his phone, we run a business and was getting a number for our records. I never checked agin. After the fact I remembered him trying to talk me into moving to her city to invest in some real estate. Wouldn't that have been cozy... You all may think I'm nuts, but the Lord looks out for me and fights my battles! They were sweethearts, I wish them the best. Maybe she knows him well enough to calm the beast in him that makes him drink so.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Reaping
Nabal had to attend to our rental property this week. A ditch was dug and a hole made in the wall to the dry room under. Work was done, good. No complaining from Nabal about what annoying tenants they are, or how expensive the work that went into the ditch was. Case closed, right? Wrong. Two days of heavy evening rains and the dry room is filled with mud and water. So of course there was a drainage ditch leading directly into the hole to the interior. Nabal hit the ceiling. "They are always complaining, that's not a living area, they are going to try and use that to get out of paying me..." On and on, I have learned. I said nothing. Any and everything not to say he screwed up. The tenant said he offered to fill in the ditch. Nabal always bragged about the room under being a dry room- he built it... In the old days Nabal would never have made a mistake like that- leaving it all open for 3 days. Nabal would have also in the past have felt some remorse, realized and copped to the error or forgetfulness.
This past year Nabal wanted to throw tenants out after their well and air conditioning had problems. No fault of the tenants, just happened. He tried to tell me that since the house was in the mountains there was no need to fix the a/c. He wanted to throw he people out for being complainers...
I don't recall when he became openly like this. Maybe he was always like this and I was just seeing a figment of my imagination.
He went out to pray for someone in the hospital. Good thing they caught him before he got any further that his first 24oz... He's been in and out all day long. He never says that he is going or where he is going. I don't have a clue where he is working from one day to the next.
He quietly went to the rental property today and fixed the hole. The crazy neighbors who take advantage of him and have taken his money when he thought he was going to get something in return. He paid lots of money for a broken refrigerator, he gave them almost $10,000 in their scam to sell their house. Our realtor and I finally convinced him not to give the last amount they were asking for, which would have brought the amount to ten thousand... They are grifters and he is a perfect mark. He thinks them dumb hillbillies and they know he has more money than sense. Correction- had. He thinks the laws don't exactly apply to him and that when he is ready things will happen. They screw with our things and he does nothing. I don't want him to fight anyone. He heard from tenants that they were moving our things in the garage around to use par of it. He said you know those people if I go up there there's going to be a fight. I told him if he had to take the police with him.This is the same man who fights and argues with everyone when he is drunk...
This past year Nabal wanted to throw tenants out after their well and air conditioning had problems. No fault of the tenants, just happened. He tried to tell me that since the house was in the mountains there was no need to fix the a/c. He wanted to throw he people out for being complainers...
I don't recall when he became openly like this. Maybe he was always like this and I was just seeing a figment of my imagination.
He went out to pray for someone in the hospital. Good thing they caught him before he got any further that his first 24oz... He's been in and out all day long. He never says that he is going or where he is going. I don't have a clue where he is working from one day to the next.
He quietly went to the rental property today and fixed the hole. The crazy neighbors who take advantage of him and have taken his money when he thought he was going to get something in return. He paid lots of money for a broken refrigerator, he gave them almost $10,000 in their scam to sell their house. Our realtor and I finally convinced him not to give the last amount they were asking for, which would have brought the amount to ten thousand... They are grifters and he is a perfect mark. He thinks them dumb hillbillies and they know he has more money than sense. Correction- had. He thinks the laws don't exactly apply to him and that when he is ready things will happen. They screw with our things and he does nothing. I don't want him to fight anyone. He heard from tenants that they were moving our things in the garage around to use par of it. He said you know those people if I go up there there's going to be a fight. I told him if he had to take the police with him.This is the same man who fights and argues with everyone when he is drunk...
Friday, May 28, 2010
Different Day, Different Nabal
Nabal was giving the silent treatment. He wouldn't even answer unless he was addressed directly... He came in with his bottle and took care of some of his church business on the phone. One of his friends, one who has been trying to talk to him about his drinking, came over and could only puzzle over him.
I fixed fresh spiced shrimp and fresh corn for dinner and he ate none... He usually loves these 2 things. He fixed himself eggs. I think he has been having stomach problems. He has never eaten well, but now I think he is eating less as he drinks more. A few weeks ago after a hard night of drinking his stomach was hurting him and it was very bloated. Extending oddly over his ab muscles, which are very tight. I'm pretty sure he is scared- his father died from bleeding ulcers and liver infection in his 40's. But again Nabal was on a campaign to make me think I could not cook- as a way to make me feel bad. One thing in this world I know for sure that I can do is cook! So he hit a brick wall there. For years I have let him place doubts on my talents to keep control. Looking back I see the pattern. He always comes around after a while and says, "It's ok baby, I still love you." Never apologized for anything, and I mean anything.
So I don't know if Nabal is worried, not feeling well, this is simply an alcohol related mood swing or a combination of all the afore mentioned possibilities. When his father died, Nabal never talked about it. He went for a walk and any amount of compassion rolled off him. It was odd for me, but I understood that everyone handles grief differently. I guess Nabal keeps his vulnerabilities to himself for the same reasons I keep most of mine from him. He was raised in an environment where any weakness was used against him, and in turn does the same.
So now I need to see if he will go to the doctors next week...
I fixed fresh spiced shrimp and fresh corn for dinner and he ate none... He usually loves these 2 things. He fixed himself eggs. I think he has been having stomach problems. He has never eaten well, but now I think he is eating less as he drinks more. A few weeks ago after a hard night of drinking his stomach was hurting him and it was very bloated. Extending oddly over his ab muscles, which are very tight. I'm pretty sure he is scared- his father died from bleeding ulcers and liver infection in his 40's. But again Nabal was on a campaign to make me think I could not cook- as a way to make me feel bad. One thing in this world I know for sure that I can do is cook! So he hit a brick wall there. For years I have let him place doubts on my talents to keep control. Looking back I see the pattern. He always comes around after a while and says, "It's ok baby, I still love you." Never apologized for anything, and I mean anything.
So I don't know if Nabal is worried, not feeling well, this is simply an alcohol related mood swing or a combination of all the afore mentioned possibilities. When his father died, Nabal never talked about it. He went for a walk and any amount of compassion rolled off him. It was odd for me, but I understood that everyone handles grief differently. I guess Nabal keeps his vulnerabilities to himself for the same reasons I keep most of mine from him. He was raised in an environment where any weakness was used against him, and in turn does the same.
So now I need to see if he will go to the doctors next week...
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
A Good Day?
Ok, this is what makes me crazy. I know this is a disease, and I know that on some level Nabal is trying to fight it and it frustrates me. The frustrating things are- he treats us like we are frozen in time while he is drinking, drugging, saying whatever he wants and acting like a lout. But then there's yesterday- no drinking (he had to teach a class at church), he's attentive (too attentive), he's trying to joke with us and offering to serve us. These days make me crazy, because I know that the next day or the day after he'll be back to what has become the norm.
There are here and there a few days of nice, fatherly, husbandly Nabal. Then you pick up the phone and are met with short clipped dismissive tones, or he is sitting in his truck giving me dirty looks and talking on his cell while his drunk friends snicker and elbow him. Promises he will 'be' with the kids while I'm in school and actually sit in his truck for 4 hours drinking. He gets out for 2 reasons. First- his potty break (peeing in the back yard, since he knows I don't like his drunk buddies in the house w/ our 13 year old daughter), and second- buying more beer when they run out (ie. driving to the store)
Why do I want to forgive so easily? I guess, because that is the easy option- no divorce, no tempers. I have to constantly remind myself how he has emotionally recked havoc on our family even before he started drinking everyday. Living with him has become some kind of nightmare. I think that when I do get to the point of having to leave- it will be ugly. That is unless he leaves first, which could very well happen. I have come to realize that Nabal is looking for someone to take care of him like his mother should have. While drunk he once said so much. He equates caring for him as a child, with caring for him at all. In his thinking there is all or nothing.
I don't know if he has the capacity to be in an adult relationship that does not revolve completely around him. I see it in his friendships; anyone who could be considered his equal has been discarded, all that are left are flunkies that hang on his every word as truth, emulate his every bad behavior, and follow him without question. All his current friends- he calls sons and counts them as children. One young man never drank more than a beer here and there, he has worked for Nabal for years. Something went wrong in his life, at least he thought so, and he went to Nabal for help. In the course of this help he started drinking with Nabal about a year ago, and now drinks dangerous amounts of alcohol daily. Nabal is on a mission to try fix him. He goes over with his own six pack to try and talk to the young man about his drinking problem... The young man now drinks from waking to passing out. So true- When the blind lead the blind, they both fall in a ditch.
I have come to a point that I still do love the man I married, but do not like the man my husband is now. But then again, who did I marry? No one is as blind as he who will not see...
There are here and there a few days of nice, fatherly, husbandly Nabal. Then you pick up the phone and are met with short clipped dismissive tones, or he is sitting in his truck giving me dirty looks and talking on his cell while his drunk friends snicker and elbow him. Promises he will 'be' with the kids while I'm in school and actually sit in his truck for 4 hours drinking. He gets out for 2 reasons. First- his potty break (peeing in the back yard, since he knows I don't like his drunk buddies in the house w/ our 13 year old daughter), and second- buying more beer when they run out (ie. driving to the store)
Why do I want to forgive so easily? I guess, because that is the easy option- no divorce, no tempers. I have to constantly remind myself how he has emotionally recked havoc on our family even before he started drinking everyday. Living with him has become some kind of nightmare. I think that when I do get to the point of having to leave- it will be ugly. That is unless he leaves first, which could very well happen. I have come to realize that Nabal is looking for someone to take care of him like his mother should have. While drunk he once said so much. He equates caring for him as a child, with caring for him at all. In his thinking there is all or nothing.
I don't know if he has the capacity to be in an adult relationship that does not revolve completely around him. I see it in his friendships; anyone who could be considered his equal has been discarded, all that are left are flunkies that hang on his every word as truth, emulate his every bad behavior, and follow him without question. All his current friends- he calls sons and counts them as children. One young man never drank more than a beer here and there, he has worked for Nabal for years. Something went wrong in his life, at least he thought so, and he went to Nabal for help. In the course of this help he started drinking with Nabal about a year ago, and now drinks dangerous amounts of alcohol daily. Nabal is on a mission to try fix him. He goes over with his own six pack to try and talk to the young man about his drinking problem... The young man now drinks from waking to passing out. So true- When the blind lead the blind, they both fall in a ditch.
I have come to a point that I still do love the man I married, but do not like the man my husband is now. But then again, who did I marry? No one is as blind as he who will not see...
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Trust Poorly Placed
Why do I keep falling for hope? A few good days and I extend a little trust. Nabal told me he would cook the steaks, everything else was done. 10:10 no meat cooked and Nabal standing on the porch across the street. Oh yeah... he was drunk. He came in at 11. Whining, yes a grown man whining- you forgot me you didn't cook for meee. He was rummaging through the fridge and as I pointed out his steak waiting for. Him he presented me with 2 raw steaks in a zip lock bag. "So, what is this?" He looked quite pleased with himself. "They are the remainder, put away for a later time" Our girl didn't want to eat her meat so late. He picks up the cooked meat and pops it in the bag with the raw steaks. I tried to explain to him what he'd done- as he squeezed raw chorizo (Mexican sausage) into the bag. "I'm going to cook these for my buddies." I thought he was going to take it with him across the street, when he turned on the stove and opened the broiler. He was trying to put the PLASTIC bag with all the meat in it into the broiler. He could have burned the house down! This morning he said he was only joking... Our boy filmed the whole scene.
I really think he was on more than beer and marijuana last night. He was a weird different sort of high. People have seen him recently frequent a neighborhood referred to as the 'medicine cabinet.' He did once admit to using crack at some earlier date...
Nabal missed yet another of our boy's recitals... Simply said he couldn't get over there... This is the second in 2 weeks.
Friday within the span of an hour Nabal told me of some beat up houses we should buy and fix up, he was going to build an addition onto our house so that when I finish school I can have an office at our home, and finally he was renting a trailer to move into with all his cars he's fixing up. He tried to get me to argue with him about him getting a new cell phone. I said get one. So he argued with himself. He actually slipped and told me he wanted one like a young fellow has that follows him. "In the morning he gets all kinds of pictures of womens on it!" "It gets pictures!" He wants so bad to send pictures of himself to women. I want so bad to have a phone I can load some ware that will give me evidence for court!
Why do I put up with it? Debt... He owes so much, therefore we owe. I'm on the hook too.
He's going to church drunk now- and nobody notices! He opens the service, prays... This is one reason I have not gone to his church in ages. I just went to help with the computer the other night. He said to me one day that he is a better Christian as a drunk than the other people in his church... He also has decided that God knows his heart and is ok with how he lives life. If God wanted him to quit drinking He would stop him... How far off we can wander away from God when the flesh is our god. An old friend of his called him out as to his motives for serving in the church. He said he was looking for vain glory. Ouch! He almost left after that, but someone gave him a class to teach and he stayed. Last week he told me that no one comes church unless he is there. WOW, PRIDE!.... Be cautious of justification, each time we justify something in our lives that is wrong, we have to take another step away from God. Another reason I stay, I can justify a lot of things- meet his evil with evil of my own, look for emotional support elsewhere, all things I could justify without much effort.God has the power to change anything in our lives. And non will snatch us from Jesus hand- but we can willfully walk away. I have seen my husband pack his little bag and walk with wicked counsel. What I'm not sure of is if he is still standing in the way with the sinners or sitting in the seat of mockers... I pray the Lord will continue to work with him. He is in God's hands. He won't listen to another human- and many have tried... I just hope he won't fall into the hands of the angry God... I can't see the bottom for him from here.
For any who may ever read this- this is just a place to put my thoughts so I can keep some grain of sanity, and hold on. Hold on until I finish school and can bring in enough to keep a roof over our heads. The way things are going Nabal may kill himself before he leaves.
Last month alone he had 3 accidents at work- any of them could have cost him his life. Two of the three were because his drinking buddies are also his workers and they were drunk or hung over. He finally sent one home because he was too drunk. How drunk is too drunk to work? He has started visiting customers while he's buzzed. He is an artist at what he does, but no one will put up with a drunk. I figure my schooling and Nationals will be done just in time for his business to die.
Now more crazy family to deal with. Some person has come out of the woodwork claiming to be my sibling. The only proof is that their mother told them so... Like I need another headache. I', distancing myself from that hornets nest. Met the person once and they seem to be another emotional vampire, and was once an addict of some sort. I'm done. The person doesn't even realize that my life has made me twice cautious up front.
I really think he was on more than beer and marijuana last night. He was a weird different sort of high. People have seen him recently frequent a neighborhood referred to as the 'medicine cabinet.' He did once admit to using crack at some earlier date...
Nabal missed yet another of our boy's recitals... Simply said he couldn't get over there... This is the second in 2 weeks.
Friday within the span of an hour Nabal told me of some beat up houses we should buy and fix up, he was going to build an addition onto our house so that when I finish school I can have an office at our home, and finally he was renting a trailer to move into with all his cars he's fixing up. He tried to get me to argue with him about him getting a new cell phone. I said get one. So he argued with himself. He actually slipped and told me he wanted one like a young fellow has that follows him. "In the morning he gets all kinds of pictures of womens on it!" "It gets pictures!" He wants so bad to send pictures of himself to women. I want so bad to have a phone I can load some ware that will give me evidence for court!
Why do I put up with it? Debt... He owes so much, therefore we owe. I'm on the hook too.
He's going to church drunk now- and nobody notices! He opens the service, prays... This is one reason I have not gone to his church in ages. I just went to help with the computer the other night. He said to me one day that he is a better Christian as a drunk than the other people in his church... He also has decided that God knows his heart and is ok with how he lives life. If God wanted him to quit drinking He would stop him... How far off we can wander away from God when the flesh is our god. An old friend of his called him out as to his motives for serving in the church. He said he was looking for vain glory. Ouch! He almost left after that, but someone gave him a class to teach and he stayed. Last week he told me that no one comes church unless he is there. WOW, PRIDE!.... Be cautious of justification, each time we justify something in our lives that is wrong, we have to take another step away from God. Another reason I stay, I can justify a lot of things- meet his evil with evil of my own, look for emotional support elsewhere, all things I could justify without much effort.God has the power to change anything in our lives. And non will snatch us from Jesus hand- but we can willfully walk away. I have seen my husband pack his little bag and walk with wicked counsel. What I'm not sure of is if he is still standing in the way with the sinners or sitting in the seat of mockers... I pray the Lord will continue to work with him. He is in God's hands. He won't listen to another human- and many have tried... I just hope he won't fall into the hands of the angry God... I can't see the bottom for him from here.
For any who may ever read this- this is just a place to put my thoughts so I can keep some grain of sanity, and hold on. Hold on until I finish school and can bring in enough to keep a roof over our heads. The way things are going Nabal may kill himself before he leaves.
Last month alone he had 3 accidents at work- any of them could have cost him his life. Two of the three were because his drinking buddies are also his workers and they were drunk or hung over. He finally sent one home because he was too drunk. How drunk is too drunk to work? He has started visiting customers while he's buzzed. He is an artist at what he does, but no one will put up with a drunk. I figure my schooling and Nationals will be done just in time for his business to die.
Now more crazy family to deal with. Some person has come out of the woodwork claiming to be my sibling. The only proof is that their mother told them so... Like I need another headache. I', distancing myself from that hornets nest. Met the person once and they seem to be another emotional vampire, and was once an addict of some sort. I'm done. The person doesn't even realize that my life has made me twice cautious up front.
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