Like A Rug He Lies

Nabal:
I am going to take care of you until you die. (Yikes) I'm going to show you, you're gonna love ME again. I'm trying to decide whether to go back to church our work out...

Then he passed out at 9. Still dressed in the clothes he stumbled in the house in at 4 a.m. Very, very drunk.

Those text between Nabal and Mary have been calling my name.

Today:

Nabal to Mary- Can we hang out. I want you tonight.

Friday:
Nabal to Mary- please, I want to be your boyfriend.

As always these two talk all the time. Him drunk texting her with vile words and threats. (Yes, threats) Mary throws threats back and accused him of stalking her.

He threatened to camp outside her house and beat any guy who comes out. Mary...Mary Sims told him this I..And our girl would be beat up if that happened. Did Nabal stop or say things had gone too far? Nope, his reply: ok. Then he goes on to tell her he...does not lie like she does.

How the hell how did we get dragged into their dirty? Weird, what she says about him. Every last word it true. So, why?

Well, nothing had really changed, he's just looking out for his second love- lil Willie.

All getting way out of hand...

R-E-L-I-E-F!

Thank you Lord!

I've really been losing it. Stress, anxiety, headaches, lethargy, not sleeping at night, not motivated, feeling trapped.

Nabal has been doing the full court press- Without you I'll be lost and destroy myself, I love you and I'm not messing with anyone else- because I love only you, I can change if you come back to me- be my wife. Every other thing has a sexual undertone, though he denies it- he just loves and needs me.

Tonight he was challenging my personal space. Wanting to touch a button on my shorts. Wanting to touch my leg, my leg. Telling me I'm so pretty. Than with a rather pitiful face said as I recoiled from his unwanted touch and proximity- Why can't I touch you anymore?

I told him loud and clear the drinking and driving himself into drugs was NOT my fault and I wasn't going to feel guilty or try to save him. He's responsible for his actions.

I could feel a buried part in my thoughts though begin to feel sorry for him. All those years of conditioning.

The last few days he's actually cut weeds down that over the last few years have turned into trees. Instead of painting the porch he has some blue stone- which friends it into a way bigger job than is needed.

It's supposed to be a trap! He does all this work- trying to soften my heart up. See, he's a changed man...

I was given his phone code by an interested party. Well given the bones- I tried once before but wasn't right, and I wasn't this mentally bombarded. I went to the kitchen for a cupcake- yes, I'm eating my anxiety within reason. There it was and something said try again- Eureka!

He's busily trying to talk Mary back into bed... She's telling him he's disrespectful. He alluding to her, well reminding her, she lied to him about her fidelity...to him. (Cracks up laughing at his audacity)

Honestly I don't care what he does- I needed that information to fortify my mind. Immediately my mind found reality to hold onto- I was really bugging with his mind games.

So he staggered back down here while I was writing this... He starts, not yelling, but a stern gruff voice slightly louder than he usually speaks: Who are you texting? I know you're texting someone!

Shall we say I snapped on him. Told him all about himself and his texting. His reply- I'm not messing with anyone. Shut that down as he wants a pass that he's not actively right now sleeping with anyone... Years buddy...years. Then he has the nerve to say...in plain English- I don't know where you get all these crazy thoughts into your mind. I've never slept with anyone. (MIND F#¢K!)

I lowered on him. Told him his mind games meant nothing to me, and I knew he was doing it- I'd seen his pictures and read his texts. (He staggered back upstairs) (note: he never denies, he just doesn't respond and walks away)

Only to return in minutes: I'm going back to church.

I told him good for him.

His last shot: I bet even with that you won't forgive me. (Then staggered of to bed.) After he tried with his best little boy voice to ask if we could sleep together tonight.

Thus is it- his one and only concern, after getting drunk of course, is to get lil Willie taken care of. He loves his beer. He loves his lil Willie. End of story.

And thank Lundy Bancroft for pointing out that for them- forgive means forget anything he does... And use even things that happened before I knew him- 20+ years later against me.  Ahhh, an abuser mind.

I'm Losing It Here...

So I quit my job for the wedding. Went into business for myself, but unfortunately sharing a space with a friend who is just a different person when around her full time... She's got a partner in business, who I feel so sorry for.

My friend- was abused when a child and had an alcoholic dad. Just a negative controller of a person who throws all get friend under a bus to other friends... Not an environment I need. They have no work, and I've got the other partner thinking positive again, but my friend is a underminer. Any idea is shot down immediately. Her idea for marketing are at least 20 years old- flyers on windshields...  she gives you a few then expects we share ours. That would be ok, but my clients don't need what she does, and she can't do what I do. I met her in school, her there for the second time, and she still never got her license... I've spent the summer taking classes and need to intern- so that's my way out without hard feelings. I'll work there on my days off and use the partner's room.

My friend plays games- if she finds out when you have a client she says she is using her room- then never shows. Says her people always cancel. This may be the truth- I've dealt with a few and they are last minute cancellers. I've found out lately many come to her because she bullies them and guilts then because she needs work.

Also going nuts being home so much again lately: it's a pit, filthy. ALANON says font clean up after a drunk. Nabal makes messes. Beer bottles, cooking in the kitchen and never cleaning. The kids never clean, I never clean. Not never, but infrequently. Why? Are we crazy? No, Nabal takes it as we habe done something personally for him- not just because we're are tired of living in filth. We all hate being here- with a drunk. We all make great plans and as soon as we hit the door- we all get tired and just give up. I think it may be some low grade depression... He hounds me daily with his pleas and proclamations. He did tell me I needed to forget the past... I think this is the largest, longest abuse cycle ever! I believe this is supposed to be the hearts and flowers phase, and I'm supposed to feel sorry for him and jump in his bed... Did I forget that part? He needs a nookie fix- plain and simple. All he makes me is angry because I see right through it all. He wants to take rides, walks and eat and just talk... Talk about what? Us. Us? There is no us! He won't accept it. He says I'm mad all the time...over nothing. When he tries to take the liberty of touching me or badgering me to hold hands. He'll stop drinking if I come back and 'be his wife.' Well, what do we think that means if he has refused divorce? I come home, cook, clean, and sleep with him- just like old times. No, thank you. No.Just no. Why won't I forgive him- he's not 'messing' with anyone anymore... He sees no problem. I told him he broke me- I have no feelings left. He tells new I'm mean.

He can kiss my ass! I'm so over all this. His speech is so classic abuser. And with any classic abuser, thinks if they get you into bed- they've got you again. He's wrung every last drop of feeling out of me- yes, I allowed it. My mind is starting to cloud again. I can't take the badgering. No, I won't give in, but it's making me sick and depressed. I want to curl up- not a good thing for a business owner... His crap it's working in small ways. I'm Losing momentum. I'm Losing drive. I just want to sleep, yet I'm awake all night. I feel caged in. I need a place to e escape to again. Business, job, apartment. By my nails I'm clawing to keep going.

No one to talk to. No one gets it at all. Expectations weigh heavily on me. I'm doubting everything again. Not with Nabal- ever! I doubt me- voices: you can't make it on your own anymore. You're old, why try. I know this is all wrong...I know but the reel repeats like a pounding surf. All my life people have been telling me what I can't do. Not because I can't, but because it doesn't fit their image of me. It's a long hill- but I'm still pulling. I look down now and at times just think: fall back and it'll be all over. No more climbing our trying. That would kill me.

I'm at a point where I'm not very happy with me. I'd honestly like to be alone like I always was. Work, go home, shut the door and read, draw, knit. Anything but contemplate my life of failures. Anything that went right- seems I was bent on fouling it up. Everything.

Yeah, about that depression and pity party... As I've always been told- get over it.

Would Cry, If I Could

Nabal put new toilets in upstairs- good! He found it was leaking through the floor before I got back...but did nothing-Bad.

Bought a different toilet for upstairs main bathroom (new one there to move to basement.) I was going to switch then out, yes I worked with plumbers and helped them set toilets... It's a recurring problem with crushed wax rings while setting when Nabal and his brothers set toilets. He rushes in, I hear them on the steps. Not them, but him...alone with the toilet. FYI: When you tilt a toilet, the trap empties, out the bottom. Why you have to have two people when taking one down steps.

Why didn't he ask for help? From me? From his nephew who is here, from one of his guys? Nope, says he's wondering where the water is coming from... I told him you can't tilt the toilet or water will get all over the place...

Now the basement stair carpet- soaked with toilet water. He says he'll get it. Finally laid out a trash bag for him to set it on. Damage control at the end.

And, nothing to do with this...The hot water heater valve is leaking. Lovely! The house falls apart instead of me. Once he's gone, I'll go get a new valve and quietly replace it... Never ending!

It's got to be the alcoholism that lets a man allow toilet water to drip into a downstairs basement bath for a week and a half without fixing it- because he didn't have time. He told me about it when he was drunk.

Why don't I leave? His newest line when I decline his advances to 'put our marriage back together.' Is to tell me he wants to go kill someone...because he feels like being bad without me. Yup- fear.

Alcoholism

Nabal, lays passed out on the basement floor in urine soaked pants. He went to a wedding, well to the party since he left after 8 pm. Evidently he lost his car keys...and his weed. Only keys he had to the truck. Thank God he lost those keys. He came in to try yet again to plead his undying love- "Hey, can I get a lil pu$$¥? You know I love you...I cry so much for you, but you think I'm a bad boy. Maybe I'll leave." He missed the sofa where I sleep just for this reason- and ended up on the floor.

"No one likes me when I'm drunk. I'm the nicest person. I'm not going to F (you get the picture) with then anymore!"

Thank God he lost his keys. Maybe someone saw how drunk he was and hid them. I did something today I haven't really been able to do in a long time- I prayed for him. Thank God he lost his keys- he could have killed someone.

I had a class out west last week, and my married child was coming into town for his job. Nabal decided to make a trip to Mexico. He needed to see his mom, it was what he needed to get better. His words: living like this is killing me.

I went on the way to class and remembered how much I like his family. I left shortly then all heck broke loose.

Nabal spent his entire visit drunk. He drank when he opened his eyes in the morning until he passed out at night. He upset his family, his mother. He told her it was all her fault for being a bad mom... Because she was trying to plead with him to stop. He went dancing, because his cousins couldn't stop him from accompanying them. He flirted outrageously with his younger brother's wife. He tried to pick up a woman- and take her to a hotel. Then regaled his cousin with the story the next day, while interjecting how much he loved his wife. Unfortunately his cousin is recently divorced due to cheating...

His mother was devastated by his words. He went just to see her because she's ages so... I'll bet he just wanted to stop her from lecturing him about his drinking- yup, alcohol isn't first love- it's the only love. 

He tried to fight his niece's boyfriend... Just really upset the niece. 

Needless to say, his family was in shock with the escalation of his drinking. 

Just a Rant

So I'm not soul dead yet...I guess that's nice to know. The crazy wedding fiasco with Nadal running amuck trying to steal all the limelight while causing as much embarrassment as possible. Then explaining how everyone was just having a little fun, people are too uptight, it was all my fault. Yeah... In all that I found out there are still have some things that can hurt.

But on the whole, I've found out nothing bothers me anymore. I run my business, I care about my clients- but I really no longer have feelings for anybody to hurt. This year has wiped every last piece away. I've realized many people I know treat me well, but have found out they treat others horribly. Most wouldn't know truth if it smacked them around. I've just been disillusioned by people. One salt of the earth person ended up being back biting, pot stirring, and an out and out liar about themselves and others just too cause trouble.

This is my take on liars- they waste my time every time they speak. I know how to read better fiction, if that's what I want...

I'm just pretty much through. Work, workout, eat, sleep- because I must like, attract, prefer this kind of people.. How can I have friends when Nadal is like a millstone around my neck. How can I have friends when I've allowed my mind to be so damaged by this whole experience. How, when I feel like I'm living nowhere, with nothing. People with sense slowly fade away when I don't 'do something' so here I am. Alone is good, I've always been alone- an only child who grew up without other children around. Not just not in my home- none in my neighborhood either. We didn't have play dates back then. Maybe once in a blue moon a child would be watched while their parent ran an errand. Days alone with my dog. So alone is an old friend- who I'm happy with.

I'm just feeling frustrated and overwhelmed and disappointed in general. Forgive my whining and self pity. Just trying to kill the sadness and get back to not giving a damn about anything except- work, workout, eat, sleep and read a good book and knit something intricate and pretty. Lol, I keep seeing pictures asking could you live for a year without internet in a secluded home- um yeah. If I had the money I'd probably become a recluse at this point. Hell, I keep my stupid FB page open because it's connected to my business page and professional feeds. Let's just say most of my posts are professional and private. It's my big library. I can see why people become homeless- there, no one cares if your anti-social, heck it's kinda expected.

I'm just so sick of disingenuous humanity.

My Head Hurts

Oldest child married. Drunk had to bring 3 days of drama as expected- drunken brawls with everyone including his son. Swearing to not attend the wedding. Banging on my hotel door trying to get me to sleep with him...with two young ladies in the room. Denying anything but a 'little fun' went on.

I'm just thoroughly pissed. I've been mad for a week. Oh, then he tried to blame me. My mantra of the wedding weekend was- they're not your friends, not your problem, shut the f#¢k up.

Today he apologized for upsetting me last night. Why? (I asked) because when he came looking for his keys this morning at God knows when in the morning I sounded mad. Lol, he did not see me last night...I had a late outcall and got in after midnight... Well...what the hell was he on last night.

Back in business for myself and fighting to catch up on technology for marketing... Yeah, I've got headache on top of headache!

Yup, Saw That Coming

I've been busy. I took some advanced studies. Started working in a new city on my winter days off. Well, not working for someone else, but starting my own business. Quit my job. Full time with my own thing- building a business. Stressed... I've just been feeling adrift. Alone.

My son moved far away up north- yay! He's getting married this summer. I worry, not for him, but his bride- the things Nabal taught him, I hope were not instilled in him. I hope I have given some grain of balance. He has found a more functional family and they know the whole of our past and are trying to help him relearn life and discover who he once was.

My girl it's still at home. Working hard and a prized worker at her establishment as she was at her last. She finally hit a wall and is doing more with her yoga as far as teaching. She's still so very young. I see her taste in men, and I hope that's something she'll grow out of. She's doing better... She's so very hard to talk to still.

Nabal... Now his job seems to be to wear me down. He wants to hear nothing but what he wants to hear. "Why don't you want me anymore? I've done nothing wrong. I love you. Take me back, pleeeease." His coke habit is growing, he no longer sleeps.

Tonight my son called. A high school friend had called him. I might want to sit down... His young gay friend who posts on Craigslist got a reply recently from a 'Nabal _ _ _'. The fellow played along- and now we have pictures and copy. The fellow asked age and stats. "You do realize you're talking to a man, right?" Nabal: "Yes, can I come to your house?" The young fellow asked for a picture of face and...You can guess... Yup, it's Nabal. The boy backed off because he knows Nabal as well as my son, has been to our house and borrowed his truck. He's, and I remind you, also an old friend of our son.

My son opened his email he'd used to set up his dad's phone, and there was a slew of emails for Craigslist to a lot of men on Craigslist.

How uncanny, I had a dream about something like this when we were newly married. It was a vivid dream and so odd I remembered it- to this day. Was it something I picked up on? Was it a warning? I do not know. The last time I had a look at his phone, before he locked it permanently, I did see some men looking for men items and wasn't sure if he he had just gotten lost- he always acts so helpless. Nope- he knew exactly what he was about. But in retrospect, I was pretty sure then.

Why try to analyze... He's looking for men to dominate, (per many of his inquiries to- bottoms) men who want to do 'something' for other men- I think he thinks if he's not the one on his knees and doing, then he's not gay or part of it or something. I say this because a close friend of my kids who has always been obviously gay was a particular target of Nabal. The child would come to our house and Nabal would lecture him that his 'issues' were a sickness of his mind that he could overcome.

Is this the same friend? The young man on Craigslist stopped communication out of respect- for the kids, and not to embarrass Nabal.

A night of...wow.