Monday

Just came to full realization that my don't care finally took over. Realized that I haven't checked Nabal's phone or really talked to him since school finished. Just hoping we can hold on until I find a job as we are broke. Flat broke. He's working very little these days and has been sick. Only time will tell if it was a virus or something linked to the drinking. I'm just hoping that everything holds together until I can pull my weight, The kids are learning what no money means. Good thing to learn while young.

Monday

Nabal is sick. Maybe the flu, but hasn't run a temperature since last night. His lower back hurts and body aches. It's the lower back that worries me. I'm hoping not kidney problems. He's been asleep pretty much all day. With the amount he has been drinking in the past 3 years I have reason to suspect.

School's done and I'm waiting for my boards. I'm on a mission to clean and study and make some money. Cleaned the car today. I worried about all the salt when I didn't get a chance to wax it in the fall. Gotta do better. I keep cars forever and try to keep them looking good so they don't rust out from under me. Nabal did come out and try to go to work once. Told me his truck needed cleaning too. He has never cleaned his car, much less any of mine. He has been sitting around for weeks. My very old car is rusting as our boy drives it. At least we have it back now. Nabal loans it out to friends who trash it. The paint job is trashed because I couldn't get to the waxing for a few years. Now I've got to chase down the reason my brake lights aren't working. It's been going on that I know of since Thursday evening. Told Nabal. Anyway, next stop a switch over the brake. We are pretty much out of money. So I'm hoping it won't be too very expensive. Hope I can drum up some side work.

Wednesday

Came home tonight. Nabal's doing a bible study with his commentaries all around, and on his 2nd or 3rd 24oz of beer. This should be interesting...
Correction the later ones were 24's the early evening bottles were 40's.

Tuesday

Last night when I came in from school there was a six pack just outside the front door, with only one left. I took stock of the front porch: 5 empty six packs with varying numbers of empty bottles in them. Lined up were 4 large beer bottles, all empty. Thank you Nabal for decorating the front porch. Not cleaning up after his drinking. So I walk through the door and he is on the phone... giving someone a lecture on being a good Christian and the bible being our manual for life. The last was a true statement and many points he made were also. Wonder who he was talking to. Anyone who has seen him or heard of his antics is going to be very confused indeed. This goes so far beyond the realm of being human. He is an alcoholic. His bending doctrine to fit his life style is what is at the heart of the matter. The other day he was, as far as I know, sober and reading his bible. He looks at me and says, "Jesus drank wine." I said, "Yes and he made it too." He jumped rom there to- "Jesus drank a lot!" I think he's getting the wrong picture here... The Pharisees accused him of being a wine bidder because he hung around with people who needed to hear about God. They also accused him of being a glutton but nowhere does it say he was fat... I am truly seeing how someone cam read what they want to see into the bible... Why then does he speak against drunkenness? And that as a constant and/or sought after state of living.

Lately he has turned into quite the jovial drunk. Again leading me to believe that to some degree what goes on when at least he is drunk is controllable and conscious decision. He knows he is on thin ice and he's treading carefully. Until that is the cycle moves on and he doesn't care anymore. God help me! The next time, and there will be a next time, I won't have to hide in the room and put up with it. The children won't have to be subjected to it. I can release him early on and get it over with. Then I'll be able to move on and live again. I realized not long ago that I smiled about something and it felt odd. I was using long dormant muscles. I have not smiled genuinely and deeply in years. I thought I had, I have been subdued for a long time. Trying to be a mouse so that I wouldn't be accused of 'showing myself' I have learned to be old so there was never a chance that anyone would look and draw the ire of Nabal. Because in his world I was doing something to draw the attention. I still wonder if he or his friend made up that I was coming on to his friend. Of course I never heard about any of my 'vixen' activity until years after. So I could not defend myself when something was 10 or more years in the past. I'm not harsh, I'm tired. In my world you can be hit between the eyes with crap coming out of left field anytime Nabal gets cornered, anytime he is caught out. In the middle of a conversation about his philandering he accuses about things that never happened but goes back almost 20 years ago. Funny, I'm human and all the people he mentions as me having the hots for are not the men who I thought were good looking or as anything other than acquaintances. Funny... And I wasn't flirting even then, just looked and noted that they were easy on the eye. He was the one I loved. His argument is though that I never loved him and was always trying to ensnare other men. The real kicker is that that wasn't me; that was what his mother did to his dad... I'm caught in the crossfire paying for another woman's many sins. I'm gonna do the bright thing and move while I've still got life. Eventually I'll be mortally wounded.