Thursday

Scary some days to realize how much I truly just hate Nabal. It's almost as if I've had no effect on my kids at all. They are great on so many levels, yet self centered and self absorbed. Yes like other teens, but they r encouraged almost. I have learned over the years that to let Nabal in on any parenting is a mistake. For one he has garnered. No respect thru the years. Second he goes over the top immediately- berating, threatening to take privileges practically for life... He is the guy in the bible who frustrates his children. I feel so depressed and alone here lately. Kids don't help with anything. Even if they decide to clean their own spaces by their choice they are mad, and make me seem as if I had ordered then to clean. Our girl gets out of work by saying she has friends over...every day!

Saturday

Cleaning the livingroom. Socks, blankets,beer bottles, beer caps strewn all around. If I hear one more time: women's work... I'll spit!

Thursday

If I walked away today...and never looked back. I'm convinced I'd only be missed for what I do for people. Me, is expendable. As long as I entertain, take care of, and don't interfere; I'm tolerated. What the hell kind of existence is this? Like an animal burned by fire. i retreat. I'm tired of being the butt of everybody's agenda. Tired of being on the periphery. Tired of trying to guess what's behind ever gesture of every person. Tired because most won't speak honestly of their intentions. Tired of people. I don't know if I will ever find happy again. I don't know if I'd recognize it if I did.

Wednesday

I got so much accomplished today and yet it's shaping into a bad day. No good deed goes unpunished... Got information for two other friends in dealing with abuse, and information about meet up groups for us all. Went to church tonight and a few things didn't go well. I guess some friends were joking, it just hit too close to home. Why do I go to church anyway? To worship, to hear the word, to be able to pray for others needs. People? There are a few. I've been a loner way too long. I don't fit in with most ladies... I just don't get into girlie girl talk... Not many kindred spirits, but I do like them all. If you are married and your husband isn't into couples things... That puts most people out. And, I'm just a loner...

Well, got home and our boy and his gorlfriend were in his room. The door was open, but in my reality it's something you don't do often. I said something and our boy cut loose on me. He said I was always mad... Wow... Just like his dad. I wasn't mad, but he was turning the conversation off him and onto me. I told him I was real tired of people telling me how I feel. He was trying to say I was mad because of Nabal. Got to get him some help and quick. That all didn't make me mad, it made me feel tired. Tired of this whole game. Tired of all the repercussions. Frustrated, sad, depressed tired. Just wanting to walk out the door tired. How the hell did it get to this. I'd cry if I thought it would do any good. I think if I cried... I'd never stop. Nabal is drunk and amorous. I changed Nabal's bed since he won't. He over did the thanks, inviting me to join him. Really? Because the maid changed the bed you are soooo thankful you invite her up? He still hasn't found out about computer history. Since he can't find real porn he's looking at animals... Yuck! He has some FB page in Spanish that has porn... It says it's adolecents. Guess he's in the right place...! I'm just so sick of it all: Nabal's lying face, our girl's deceptions, our boy's entitelment. I'm probably no better in their eyes. I spoke of getting away from here to our girl, she informed me I had forgotten she had a life. She's 15... Am I crazy? If I'm not, why is my life like this? I don't have friends. I can't get myself together. I can't focus during the day to get anything of substance done. Stuck is where I am, stuck is where I'll be.

The old saying goes: It's darkest before the dawn. Is it almost dawn? I just don't know how much longer I can hold on. Luckily or unluckily for me I've had a life of training to wait. To settle for less. I have nothing to look forward to. Have I ever?

Tuesday

Yesterday Nabal took the kitchen sink apart, went out to get the part, call about the part, then come in late at night drunk. The kids say 1am, I think it was a tad earlier. The sink is still all jacked up and I can't run the dishwasher so I guess I'll put it back together tomorrow. He is still getting more insistent calling saying ILY. I just hang up. Why after all this won't he believe me when I say I'm no longer mad about anything, just not going to get giddy and suddenly care because he decided there are no other options. Tonight he went to church...

I know and believe church is for sinners to get well. But there is an admonishon that if someone portrays themselves as Christians yet lies, fornicates, drinks excessivly, etc. them the church shouldn't put up with because they are decievers. Found out his new pastor is a lot like him... Like feathered birdies.

Monday

I seem to be able to write from my phone again! Kinda had depressed me these last few weeks. Last night I finally wrote an email to myself to get a lot of it out of my system. Now before I write much more if it will post.

Tuesday

I am so missing being able to write from my phone... maybe I'll start emailing myself. He has been... Last night for instance, he spends hours outside drinking, comes in and starts in on the kids about their getting ready to leave him. He comes downstairs where I turned in early and tells me it's going to be me and him soon, and I'm never going anywhere because, "you love poppy so much." Again with the third person usage. I have not done a thing in years that says I have any patience left for him. He's trying to wish and will it all without doing anything. Oh joy, they just decriminalized marijuana here... Thanks progressive town council.

Last night when he made his proclamation, even on the edge of sleep, it made me sick. Seemed more like a threat than a cherished promise. I have no illusions  that he has or will ever change. I'm just the best he can do. But if and when he finds something else, I know for sure he will be gone! Problem is he won't leave without a problem unless he's ready to go.