Thursday

Home again, home again, jiggity jig. My first clue that the resident drunk was indeed in his cups was the garage door standing open...and not a soul was around.

Thursday evening: Nabal tells me that his phone had been cut off. Which? His smart phone, with which he has a month to month plan. This its his first month with it. I don't know anything about it, not even his carrier. So I say, "Well, so pay it." His reply, "I don't wasn't to." Off he goes and passes out.

He claimed to have no idea that the house phone had been cut off a few weeks ago.... Long conversation...  Ha! That i wrote down! I'm not sure he remembers things. Where does head games end and alcohol brain begin?

Tonight he asked me if he looks fat...
Seriously...! I said no, he said he'd been thinking of not eating any more. (alcohol brain or game?) Never connects his beloved beer to any problems...anywhere...in anyone. Yes, she its truly his beloved- the only blameless entity...

Friday

Nabal has the pastor bug again... If he its to be believed an old acquaintance he meet way back when called. Seems the gentleman is now in charge of Spanish ministries in North America for COG and was checking to see how the local church was faring. Nabal sadly had to tell him it had been reabsorbed into the local English church. They lamented. Nabal told him a tale of woe: How he, Nabal, had tried to save the little church that could. How he had preached and how the people loved him..., but people higher than he had decided that they needed a more experienced pastor. (enter the lady pastor) The overseer assured Nabal that he had his blessing to reignite the little church and continue using the same name. Build it back up! But what was holding Nabal back? "Well sir...its my wife. She's not with me anymore. She went to a different church. She its a little odd. She separates herself. She sees things differently than other people. I can't make a church without her..." (sigh and lament) Nabal claims at this point the man assured him he could and indeed should win said odd wife back. Oh, you mean he agreed it wasn't your excessive drinking...with the new converts that its holding you back? Ha! Caught you discrediting me! Ahh clever...showing me what you will, and probably already have been telling people.

At the end of his sad tale he turns to me and asks: Are you with me?

First question: Did God tell you to start a church? Don't you think you need to get yourself together some before you even consider?

Nabal sputters- I can either be pastor, with you with me, or a drunk. You say I did something to you, but everything is your fault. If you were with me (he means allowing anything he wants- being agreeable) none of this would have happened. He kept repeating his complete innocence and my complete fault... For the marriage, for his church failing, for frigid weather-you name it...all my fault.

In between this he went between saying he was leaving, to pretending to fall and trying to grope me. Of course he was so drunk he may have been just making the best of his instability. He found a house he wants to buy. Am I with him? As stated before I want out of this area. Its far up in the mountains, yet still in the area. "The children need the move." All that would do is make getting to work difficult.

I've heard Nabal has our kids and their friends buy weed for him... And he finances theit's. Yes a proper alcoholic will even usher his own children into using. 1) So they can point at someone else worse of than themselves. 2) So he can eventually blame me for them all.

So I have no idea if the whole conversation with the overseer is truth, or a finely crafted tale to further his agenda of getting me to cave in. I'd guess its a little of both...

It did not go unnoticed how Nabal describes me. Like I'm maybe a bit unbalanced... Emotional abuse 101, discredit any who oppose our try to leave.

Next morning he comes downstairs and wants to know where his phone is. Told him he'd never had it out the night before. Now he was drunk off his butt, thus could have lost it anywhere before our after! He kept demanding from me is whereabouts since he'd been sitting down here. Later in the afternoon he asked if I'd located his phone...Go buy me a new one! (why yes..it did sound like an order) I kinda love when I can't do something, something he caused through drunkenness, because of laws. I could no more switch his phones out than he has right to tamper with mine. Its illegal!

Later our boy tells me in the morning Nabal tells him to call his phone so he could find it. Nabal said this as he held his new smart phone in his hand... The boy asked why he didn't call it himself- I'm on Facebook. The incredulity of that passed across all our faces just before we burst out laughing.

Nabal, if nothing else, is a piece of work!

I found out from the woman who stayed at our house between apartments that Nabal is actually still as bad as he ever was. A story she remembered was Nabal telling of our sons birth. There were many people present and he spoke in English. He told of his birth and first nursing, and somehow made it into a tawdry joke about breasts, me, and my son. Where abusers will go is unbelievable...!

Why the destroyer tries to take everything? Year 4...I'm almost done here as the season is. Next stop, even more money. I think I'll head towards the larger city that's equal distance to coming to my current job. This job turned out to be money, but a dead end as far as anything else. I come from the metropolis, and I see myself heading back now. The next stop needs to be stable ground I can pull my kids out from.

Prayer- because God can do more in 2 minutes than I (or anyone) can do in 2 years. (or 4...)

On Paying Bills

I've been out of town. The house phone has been off a week. Not a soul paid it! The kids I'm going to show. Nabal...

Last week Nabal said he didn't know how to pay the phone bill. He figured out how to pay his bill for his cell phone! Said I'd need to show him how to pussy it...he didn't know where the office was. Why yes, we live in a place small enough to only have one phone office, on a main street, yet he can't find it.

So he wants me to hold his hand and take him? No...he just wants me to go do it! He doesn't even have to talk to anyone, the payment computer it's in Spanish and English.

Seems Nabal is into posting a 'studley' selfie a week on Facebook. Well hell, he figured out how to do that! He even 'liked' the pic he posted of the lady from Brazil. The one in which he said: one u bonita. (ie. Want you bonita) All his lady friends and relatives are telling him how handsome he is. It's the truth, the bottle had been kind to his face. I though, know him far too well to register it anymore. I've always been like that- bad behavior nullifies even the best looking in my sight. He'll probably be emboldened to find himself a lady friend and soon ride of into the sunset with her...if I'm lucky.

Yeah...I have got to do something to change my attitude and get a backbone. This has got to end, sooner than later, and I'm going to have to push it.

And explain to me how Nabal slides into every conversation: So you're going to sleep with me tonight right (funny I have to leave it punctuation-less as it's somehow said as a question and a statement of...I guess hopeful coercion.)

Thursday

Head games... Nabal has tried all weekend to convince me that I indeed did promise to spend 2 nights in a hotel with him. He tried first when he was drunk, that was expected. When he did the same sober (I assume) he raised the game to another level. Head games...

Nabal asked me why he wakes up some days and his arms and hand at numb... Why he tries to make me his doctor I'm not sure. Told him I didn't have a clue. I'm guessing it's something to do with his alcoholism, but if I link anything with that he denies any link. I no longer try, just tell him to see a doctor, which he won't. Now he may need an exam for his CDL license. It would involve a drug test...which he definitely would not pass.

The antics:

Just before I left our girl told me the story of a gamey package of meat in the refrigerator. It evidently sat out all night and day. It was back in the fridge when she got home from work- it had a grey green cast to it. That had been says ago. Is seen it also but Nabal throws a fit if I touch his stuff. I told get to throw it away. Like, before it killed someone. Enter Nabal, while throwing a bet bottle away. "Hey you threw my meat away!" I reminded him of it's history. He continued to grumble, so I told him take it our the yeah if he felt it was in error.
I thought he'd reached his low picking up food from the floor to use... He indeed fished it out of the trash, grumbling about cat good as he wiped the open package off. Then he cooked it!
The thing was we (the kids and I) had just gone out to eat. He was invited but something came up he just had to go do... In fact said I'd waited until he was busy.. He always wants me to skip church. He has always wanted me to blow off church in favor of him. Yet while he still attended would never consider missing his church.
I digress... We did bring him food home. He'd just thanked me for it because he'd just eaten it! I stopped at the store.

Drunk Facebooking:
Seems he has a new profile pic. Very close selfie. You know-trying to look man sexy! Lol!! The back story is that in the morning he had no memory of doing it nor did he know how to change it! His brothers kinda called him out on it. Then he was evidently trying to private message some woman...but instead shared get pictures on his timeline with pick up lines and all. Oh gosh...I howled! He's painting himself into a corner. He will be his own undoing.

Today while I was making bills for him, he tried to say he had given them to me Tuesday when he in fact gave them to me today. Then he tried Wednesday. Tuesday I never saw him-I went to see a good friend and introduce get to a relocating friend. 1.5 hours away. Wednesday I again never saw him- I worked, ate with my girl, them went to church- which leaves today. He told me I was losing my mind. Getting old and forgetful. Outright lying... Them fast forward and he says when I gave you those today. He changed the subject.

Drum roll please- he changed the subject to: "So, is there someone else? Do you have a boyfriend?" I didn't even get mad...just pathetic.

Oh yes! I would indeed need a boyfriend to fresh me away from such a charmer! Right?! Drinks practically every night. Chases women. Messed up the kids before I knew it. Almost 20 years of walking on egg shells. Never knowing what mood he'd be in, or what he'd like or dislike. Yeah...some pretty face must have turned my head alright! I mean, what girl would walk away from all that?!

When I came in the computer and monitor were cleared of the table. Why? To make room for his Bible study he started...

Such a lucky girl-
He said as he broke concrete with a jack hammer. "Gosh I'm strong! Is there anyone else who can be as strong as me? You are one lucky girl to have such a strong man!" Yes he was drunk talking. By the way I used to be pretty good at jack hammering, though couldn't touch the big one. He is so delusional...
He than explained to me how he'd finished off his 2 six packs. Would I take him to get another? Ah, no.

Tonight he offered to drive me to where I work, then come pick me up Monday. (He could barely stand!) It takes 2 hours, nit to mention that I drive to work each morning... He said: Ok, I'll walk back. I'm just trying to show how much I love you. Lol! (I couldn't help myself...)

I have come to realize that all we have left is Assn IRS marriage... Back taxes are the only thing keeping us in the same house...

Thursday Eve

As I rolled out of town at about 6 because of rain, Nabal was already sloshed... He was trying to Getty me to promise him a favor blind... Would I, next week book us a hotel room for two nights... So I didn't laugh. I used to make sure we had a weekend or two out a year. Funny, he could make his own hotel reservation when he took Mary. The whole mess that really kicked all this off. No, nope, not interested.

"But you are my wife!"

Yeah, still trying to get mileage out of that...

He'll do whatever it takes to get me back. To make me happy. (he slurs out) If I were willing, and I'm not! He'd have to get real sober and be accountable first. (we've been down thus road before. In fact he asked and answered this some time ago without my saying a word.) He claims that in order for him to contemplate being sober and straightening out... I first have too sleep with him. Oldest trick in the book. Funny he has conditions...and I can't! What the he'll makes him think sex its some magic bullet? Probably actually doesn't think that at all. Just wants a piece of ass...

And when he finds a willing woman, he will be off without a backward glance. He's talking about buying another house. Building an apartment out back. (and has been for years) Paying for the kid's schooling. Wants to keep them at home for it. Oh! And us growing old together... If I stay I'll be dead from stress.

So I spent the day with the girlie looking for jeans. He said he thought I was coming home before I left...to give him a big kiss goodbye. What, has it been 2, 3 years? And I'm the one who needs to rush home and 'give' him a kiss...

Being on this mountain, with enough distance is healing. It all just takes me so long.

Oh and my reply was really that the last time he went to a hotel he didn't invite me...so now I'm not in the least interested. To that he actually formed the words: I've wasn't at any hotel. So funny, his history rewrites. Not funny though because he sounds like he believes his own lies...

Thursday

My four days a week away from home allows for fresh thoughts, and fresh sight and insight. I've known for years that dressing is a chore. I've known for years that I don't seem to ever have tops. I finally realized I just don't like my clothes. For working around the house I have plenty. To start with, styles I like only translate when I'm down a few sizes. Not that they are revealing, but its a cut, not tight but tailored. My tops though... I've spent years buying functional clothes. Clothes that would never bring attention from anyone. Subconsciously consciously deliberate.

When Nabal and I were first married, I was sizes smaller. Nabal thought a man was eyeballing me at a party and he wanted to fight the guy. I'm not at all flattered by that kind of behavior. I dragged him away in embarrassment. He claimed to have caught some guy trying to peep in our window. His question to me was what had I done to encourage the guy. Somewhere in there I decided that to put him at ease I should blend into the background. What I bought or made was either cheap or severe. Of course I had to jump on him one day for yelling out the car window at some girls... His excuse: I'm a man. He never did it again...but the message was evidently firmly placed. It smacks of the old thought that if a woman is sexually accosted, she did something to entice it. I became unenticing...

Last night Nabal was sloshed. He thankfully passed out mid sentence and I turned out the lights and tipped away. Left him sitting in a living room chair. He was on a campaign to win me back. at one point I sat down and he was standing far too close. Towing over me. I asked him why, with all the setting in the room he had to stand there? His reply: You are my wife. Oh! Head game alert!

He apologized for 'if' he ever did anything to hurt me. Though he's never done anything wrong and there had never been anyone else. Whatever I thought, was actually my imagination. Wow... Let us take a moment to mourn the death of truth.

And yet and still, I find myself feeling sorry for him. The pathetic figure of misguided boyhood. He plays it well. Until I checked out his new smartphone. At his invitation! He really did think he'd covered his tracks... Just not tech savvy... Still mooning over Mary...and a few other girls. And updated his profile pic on zoosk. Checked out his horoscope. Checked out a dating site, and put church folks on his acquaintance list. Busy boy! He has been saying lately that he needs a little lady in his life.

Of course he blows it all when he says: Hey lets get drunk and wild. (We can see how clearly he thinks...just what our kids need- two drunkard parents!) and Sleep with me, I'll change your mind and get you back...in my way. Lol, the panacea- sex. Not even getting into what a battle ground that has been for 20+ years... Lot of hurt there.

The thing is he's so convincing...if I didn't have the truth written down I'd be lost. I am like the elephant whose chain has been removed. Old habits, nothing more. Wanting to see and believe the best in someone who constantly prices their true colors and intentions. I have to work at not seeing the best in people, because I usually make a hasty retreat from unhealthy people. Oh how I wish I could have left years ago. I take a solace in that I'm still within my 5 year plan...! (but close to the end)

Wednesday

Nabal comes in today and says his head hurts... Because the heavy iron gate of his mortar mixer closed unexpectedly and conked him in the head and arm. No hard hat. The diluted mind on a construction site usually spells trouble! Every time he drinks excessively (for him) he gets hurt or almost killed.

Then he proceeded to tell...retell me the story of the Sunday work at the school. This time he was fairly sober (I think) and told the cleaned up version. Minus the weed and six pack part.

Tuesday

Have I mentioned I'm sick of my life and sick of hearing about it inside my head...? Sick of being stuck. Sick of my inability to seemingly do anything at all. I work so I don't have to think...about anything. I'm letting life sift through my fingers. At times I feel it will sift as is until there its none left. I continue to draw in on myself. I imagine I must seem an odd duck to pretty much everyone. I kinda don't care anymore. I've almost mastered emotionlessness. Situational game face. What is odd is that there are a few who do notice... It makes me perfect the transition and push everything further down. And wonder if they know because they themselves hide behind the smile.

I do know that until the taxes are satisfied I can't begin to think about leaving. Save myself? Never leave a man behind, even if you have to drag them out kicking and screaming. I can't fathom it all, so I become ineffective, confused and shut down. I wonder if I'm my biggest problem... So I push off from people, from life. I'm enjoying being away from Facebook. A voyeur to the flow of life... There were just so many reasons to shut it down. Disengaging feels right. If anyone really wants to find me, talk to me, they know my number. My birthday was last month. My girl and I celebrated. It made her happy.

Nabal...well...has been Nabal. He is very concerned about his weight. He's sure its from to many beers... His stomach seems to be growing again. He tries off and on to be more insistent. He came up behind me trying to hug me. When I tried to elude him, his grasp tightened uncomfortably. I told him to stop. He released me, but as he walked away he said I'd never be stronger than him... My shame is that my daughter was there... He also had been getting bolder off and on, trying to grope me. I've been lucky he's too drunk to act on it faster than I can get out of his way.

Nabal told me of his last Sunday morning job. At a school that as he found out has a church that meets there. He was talking with them and evidently discussing the Bible. I got stuck at the beginning of his tale. He and Pablito started the morning off with a lot of weed and a six pack for breakfast. Of course I have no idea how much off that was true as he told me a woman from the Spanish church had invited us to dinner. I was very close to the woman when she lost two members of her family in a car accident. In the light of day I never again heard anything about the visit...

I'm so sick of him asking why I am so hard on him when all he does is love me. I'm ruining his life. I ruined his church...evidently we were the main people there... So since I left then it went belly up between his arrogant sociopath pastor and his own drunken antics. But its my fault... This is why I write.

Oh gosh...I hope he was just drunk talking, he claims to have purchased alpacas. Said he had permits from the city. Where will I find homes for them? Lucky I do know people who raise them. Then he wants to raise someone elses kid. Someone her believes its a bad mother. Sad, I think he would probably treat the kid better than his own. He was incredulous that I said no I would not raise another child with him. I get so sick of his drunk talking. He'll wake me in the middle of the night and if I complain his reply is: You think I give a 'f' about you sleep. And if he asks me one more to 'make sex' I'll scream!

I'm just so tired of it all... some days I could just walk and never stop. Leave my phone and just blend with the background.

Saying Goodbye To My Sweetie

Its not been too pleasant these last 2 months. Work keeps me out of my head. Last week my little dog got sick. No nothing easy...lymphoma. We tried steroids, and they helped...for a week. Yesterday her lymph nodes took off again. Last night she wouldn't eat and had trouble walking. This morning she could stand assisted and had trouble breathing... It was time.

I said my last goodbye to my old lady Sweetie this morning. Fifteen good years! What a great quirky little dog. (I'm going to go on about her now. So if you aren't into sentimental mush...check out here.)

She was supposed to be an aquarium filter... It was freezing cold and she was part of an SPCA outing. A little skinny thing, with the biggest ears I'd ever seen on a beagle! All I could think of was the Taco Bell dog. She was shivering so fast, I had to speak to her and scratch get little head. I went about my shopping, but couldn't get her out of my head. We already had big Charlotte dog. I figured it this way- Nabal wouldn't mind because she looked kinda like a chihuahua... I was right.

They'd found her wandering a country road in 9 degree weather! She'd been mistreated somewhere along her 3 years of life. She was scared of men, men with caps and hoodies. She would head to a closet before I heard the thunder. She was near sighted, so I head to speak sometimes before she knew it was me. The sight of a gun or plastic bag sent her running to hide.
Everyone told me she had an odd look...heck, so do I! As she got older general consensus was she looked like a fox in her face. When she got snaggel toothed, she just got cuter!

She loved car rides! I'd feel bad in the summer to leave her home, she just looked so dejected... She followed me everywhere. Charlotte was her best bud, though one weighed 55 pounds and the other 20. Sweetie almost died defending Charlotte from a pack of stray dogs. She was a valiant little pup, though I knew her to be practically scared of her own shadow on a normal day.

We had a string of names for her: First it was Chalupa Lou. She was so good hearted, Sweetie stuck. Until people thought I was calling them sweetie... I'm public she was 'Weetie' or 'Weedles' I'm sure I'll think of a few more by and by...

Her last car ride...she roused herself to watch a passing shadow. She got that look when the the sun hit her face, that old familiar look. Then she'd struggle to breath, and it was still time. I hoped she'd just take her last breath and I wouldn't have to do the final deed. For a year or so she's been deaf (but could still hear a piece of food hit the floor!) on to of poor sight. It was time, that still didn't make it any easier. She runs free now! With her buddies Charlotte, Jack, Mr. Whiskers and more she'll be meeting right about now.

She will be missed. My long time friend.

I haven't told Nabal. Last week he wanted me to not to bring her back home. Last night he was telling me she was going down hill, which I already knew. I told him we were going to the vet in the morning. His reply was that I had taken her there last week... Maybe it is as sentimental as he can get...

I'd kinda hoped we would have made it much longer... I'll miss her silliness in the sun, but she'll never hurt again.

Wednesday

"Hey wake up, I want to talk."
"What time is it?"
"11."
"No its not. Its after 1."
"I don't care. I want to talk."

Life with a drunk. ALANON primary teaching: don't engage a drunk in conversation if you can help it. Walk away.

Nabal wants to buy a house. Why? So he can take his kids and raise them correctly... Seems I've ruined them. No, not the drinking, the harshness, the crazy making behavior...Nooo.

Just last week a family friend suggested that Nabal may be taking Pablito's medicine when they get drunk together. Umm, why? Does he imagine it will get them higher? My girl commented the other day that Nabal had always seemed as if he's had different personalities... I know when he's drunk its like he's someone else, and he could always flip on you on a dime. Just more to put in the crazy bag.

I have, for the last week, not had it in me to write. My boy was plead guilty to a crime he committed with some of his ner do well friends. It saddens me. Still he lies and says he didn't do it. I can see him as probably behind it in the first place... He says he no longer had a conscience. He's working not to... I'm sure he figured if it hurts to have one, without it the pain will go away. He cares too much.

I should have left years ago. I couldn't, or wouldn't see the damage living like this was causing. I thought it only effected me. I admit I was stupid, and still am as I'm still here. We are all still here because I couldn't get the hell out.

Thus is Nabal's fault, but my inability to notice and act quickly enough has made it so much worse.

I'm wondering where the games end and my inborn weaknesses begin... Tonight the stumbling drunk stumbled and feel over on me. Of course it was no accident when he started his groping. When I pushed him away he laughed and said, "It's all mine. I can touch what belongs to me."

Belongs... Belongs to me... I'm a possession. We are possessions. He, is who possess all.

He says he's going, yet reinforces his 'ownership' sporadically just so I don't forget. Just as he said about his pastor's wife- she'd lousy get mind, thought she could do asshe wanted to. He also 'told' me I wasn't 'allowed' to go back to work. I needed to stay here with him, we'd stay over again, and if stop going to church. Where did that come from? Just slipped it on there out of nowhere... Mind games.

I'm getting depressed- Nabal, my boy, my girl. I need a plan B for work. The new management is a set of catty bullying women who lie out of hand. They don't bother me, but I don't like their type. Some day they could decide I need to go then they'd target me. I'm a person who, point me in the right direction, tell me what you want, and I work.  Their type don't usually bother me. They stay out of my way. Also its coming into their slow season, which lasts around three months in the new year. Time to go. Plus I'm not at all sure they aren't trying to close the place down and start over again. The new boss is from a rather large city and seems the type to treat those under her a of they are expendable. Just timer to ferret out plan B. I need the same money or better.

I'm thinking I'll be glad to see this month go. It hasn't been pleasant. What still rings in my ears: You could save the goats, but not yourself or your children. Why? I'm not the brightest bulb, and I guess the goats were just dumb enough to listen to me...

Still taking my Facation. Is been kinda liberating. Seeing all those people communicating, and being a fly on the wall...just got kinda depressing. Its not even 'fly on the wall' territory because everyone only shows what they think looks best. Contrived lives. Oh hell, why not just call it that to state what it is up front, but I guess they already do. You see the face, the body of lives is shrouded in the unseen background. Eh, just the sour grapes of a confirmed introvert curmudgeon dealing with a little spot of depression. Maybe I'll feel better after my Facation. Of not permanent deletion is always an option. Change my number and known email addressee, and fade into the woodwork one last time.

Tuesday

I did it, Deactivated Facebook. A bad week all around and just feeling antisocial. Peoplereally know, I'll see or anyone I really know has my number. A few friends recently deactivated their accounts and I miss their banter most. Other folks don't post much anymore and the ones who do...all political posturing one way or the other. I'll really miss my alternative nutrition and trade pages. I'd be willing to put down money that not many, of any, will even notice I'm gone. I'm not a great avid poster so my absence is no great loss.

This week its so awful I don't even feel like writing about it right now.

Thursday

So, goats went to a great home at the school where my girl went.

Why, since I bought a spare car is everybody on me to hurry and fix my car because they need transportation? There are 4 cars in the back yard that have been sitting for 6 months to years. They were to be fixed. Now they are all trying to lean on me like I'm in their way...

Tuesday

I just realized that next year is year 5 of my 5 year plan of survival. I was relieved at first... I thought THIS was year 5. I have been thinking and evaluating. Best laid plans all unraveled. A few good turns I did not expect. I've decided to plan practically nothing, except work. I'm tired of saying I want to get out of this place, yet people commenting what I can do here next year and the next. Its not just Nabal, its others too! Maybe i resemble a kid trying to run away from home. Maybe I'm trying to save more than i have strength or resources to save. My kids seem rooted and aren't heeding me. Its just kinda depressing. Dealings with a petulant child...I'm 52! Like I'm just banging my head.

A 'friend' chided me earlier in the year- Wasn't I sorry I didn't finish college? I would have the resources I needed to move on. Thanks, didn't have enough to feel bad about already. Oh, and are you sure about that? No it was trusting the wrong person and for far to long. Funny how I thought I could trust a person financially but not emotionally... Funny how I let that person convince me I was mean spirited, uncaring and non-empathetic. So I poured myself into family and home. Was that so very bad? Money I had went to education, extracurricular activities for the kids, and when he needed just a couple of ten thousand- to tide him through rough spota... My house...my house. The only damn piece of advice my mom gave me worth heeding, and that's the one I decided not to. Don't put a mortgage on your house...damn! That's what has me worried. Losing the house... Foolish right? I've had one of those lives...I'd be alone with nothing of worth, nothing to leave my kids to fight over. Nothing. And truly nothing to show for it... Maybe I should have completed college, but I work better with my hands and grasp advanced ideas. I just don't learn like others...I have a glitch. No one ever notices, but I know. I know.

What I do know is that I do not want to live where I'm working. Pretty place...topigraphically just like where I live. I do love my mountains...but there are others I need to see. There are people I miss and want to be around, but don't know if that will ever be an option either.

All I've heard this week is that Nabal has been very drunk: driving drunk, mouthing off to the police- drunk, cursing everyone out drunk.

And every week he threatens to f*%*ing leave if he's not wanted... See what I've pushed him to... If I stop working, sleep with him, and be the loving wife...he'll stop drinking. (but I need to submit first...) He said tonight he won't stop drinking or smoking weed. He will not go to church and act upright...unless I give in first. (Now it's my fault I work and he doesn't see me. Realize I've only been working out of town a little over 3 months! This had been going on more than 5 years! Ahhhhh! The lunacy of it all, and the excuses he makes to absolve himself) Why does he always throw church in there? I have never tried to force morality on him (or anyone for that matter. He's the circle one.), nor church. Do it for God, our not at all. He also slid in that if he ceased drinking...he would be mean. (and no body wants that!) So true: Ours not their first love...it's their only love.

On the goat front...he asked whether I'd found a home for them. Well, yes my daughter and I did. Now he thinks he's changed his mind and will keep them. Contrary SOB!

As for driving while very drunk: They started drinking at 2pm on Sunday, at seven he realized he had to return his worker home which is about 15 miles away. "Sometimes things just have to be done!" Thank God he's never hurt anyone! Ducks line up fast!

I found this job and need to find better. Nothing near my home... I do a job that one needs to set down roots to build up. Just gotta find the place, but until then- build on my skills and work larger establishments.

I'm reading a John Grisham novel and I feel the man in prison. "How do you survive the years? You don't think about years, or months, or weeks. You think about today--how to get through it, how to survive it."

Well...well said...nothing more to add, nothing to subtract or qualify.

Thursday

Feeling a tad morose, maybe from the long drive, maybe Nabal's antics are getting to me.

Last night I came in from church and picking up my boy. He and I had a late dinner. I saw it as an opportunity, I have had quite a few outings with my girl. I wanted to have a few moments to see where his mind is. When we pulled up the goats were outside the fence and my boy went ballistic. He knew Nabal was drunk and had let them out. It took me a few minutes to put it all together.

Nabal ran out onto the porch, beer raised in hand, yelling unintellegably into the night. Just laughing... Hector pulled up in his truck and asked me what Nabal's problem was. I shrugged and Hector said, "He's sick, needs to see a doctor." Gee, tell me something I don't know!

Downstairs I went to the bathroom. He came down and tried the door knob then yelled, "Why the f*%k did you lock the door?" I told him because I was using the bathroom and I knew he would try to open the door if he thought I was in any way undressed. Then he bellowed, "Open it!" I quietly said no and braced myself for him to kick the door in, but he did not. I kinda knew he wouldn't, but always there its that nagging fear that one day he will cross that line.

Later he stumbled down again telling me if he had his little lady he wouldn't drink. Blah blah blah... He's going to build me an addition out back with a fence, then go buy a house for himself...but I can come live there if I want to. He wants me to come sleep in my bed and he won't touch. He will never touch me again. (seconds later he pretends to fall over so he can try to feel me up) I was doing laundry and when I got up to change stuff over (and get away from his groping hands) he finally fell asleep/passed out. This after my telling him he needed to go to sleep since most of what he was saying was completely undecernable as human speech. He said with such heavy things on his mind he couldn't sleep.

The night before he told me he hadn't taken a shower in 3 days. Than in a weirdly childlike way asked me if he should that night. I told him do what he thought best. He did not bathe. He also told me it was my fault he drank so much, I was so very hard on him. I begged to differ, I had never been hard or harsh with him. His reply: You're right, you never encouraged me to stop. You let me do whatever I wanted. Thinking back I was somewhere down the middle, saying when I noticed his drinking get out of hand he should get help, always knowing people had to want it for themselves. Ahh, but the fault never lies with them, no matter which side of the fence he had to jump to prove it.

We still have our homeless houseguest... I heard him tell her that men can do whatever they want and women have no right to call them on anything. Why? Good made man first. Ahh, the gospel according to Nabal strikes again. She had evidently told one of his friends to move when she was cheering the grass. The chivalrous Latin male, who can quickly tell you what women's work is somehow have no problem standing around in the way even, while women do yard work...

He just wears on me. How we all try to ignore how he makes us feel. Yet knowing it will still sneak up on us and get us...

He got the unsuspecting woman to take his drunk buddies home (then Nabal jumps in the car) and stop for sodas...which turned into more beer... Nabal comes out of the store and somewhere along the way he challenged some guy to a fight....! The guy was trying to collect $100 for people to bet he could beat up a Mexican... Nabal comes to the car and tells the 2 guys with him they can jump the guy... WTF?

Why do I feel morose? My mother once told me that if you are sick too long people will stop caring. Well, if your life is in turmoil for too long, and if you take too long getting out...the same thing applies. I learned to walk away at an early age. I learned that people you love leave you and the best thing to do its walk away, because once they are done with you, there is no persuading them to stay. I believed because no one told me different, that it wasn't them or their baggage...it was me. Something about me. Why would it not be me if I can see the pattern. People have their lives, and they move out of my range quick. I am an introvert, now days worse than ever. I think that when I do get holds of adult people that I know well, I overwhelm them. I don't do small talk well. My work requires that I talk to a lot of people about their specific problems. Once I'm done with my week I want to be quiet. That is unless there is someone I really want to talk with... Alas there really are few. This year I let a few dear to me people walk away. How could I stop them... So here we are back to me. Guessing I'm not very good company anymore. Maybe I never was. Usually just tolerated. It has always genuinely surprised me when someone sincerely likes me...

I also want to speak a word of caution. If you meet someone and you have to 'leave' all friends behind, our pick a few that are absolutely necessary... You have the wrong person. I don't care if its because they won't fit in with, or like your friends. (unless you have really fake sort of friends) Or if you have to become someone who your friends wouldn't recognize to fit in with your beloved. Wrong person! Trust me you're just settling and somewhere down the road you will regret it. Whether they are easy to unload or won't let you go. People have moved on...they have their own woes and don't want to hear about yours. But I have learned a lesson in life that no one should have to- people you love leave. Sometimes that lesson causes you to pull a plug prematurely because of how things are remembered. Don't try to dodge pain that may never come. You end up causing yourself and others way more pain. Drop the baggage at the door. Follow your heart, not your past.

Nabalogic

Nabal: I'm going to buy a house.

(I don't even bother to respond. Enough with the hairbrained schemes and conversations! He can't save 2 nickels.)

I'm going to buy a house because I feel you don't want me here anymore.

Me: Ok...

Nabal: If I but a house, you gonna come live there with me?

Me: No...

Nabal: I'm going to get you back. You wait and see. I know the way to get you back to being my wife, on my way...not yours. Wait and see.

Just creepy... Then he went upstairs and passed out. Small favors.

Money...

So Nabal bought an Amigo over a year ago. It was running, if nowhere but around the back yard.

Somewhere along the way he 'fixed' it into brokenness... Last week he spent $300 on such things as a fuel pump and other things that didn't make it go varoom. All to save the probable $200 he would have had to pay someone else to fix whatever it is that's wrong.

Nope, he hasn't figured it out yet! Maybe he'll sink in another $300 this coming week. Oh, and he works on it drunk...that's gotta help.

Wednesday

So...I've realized that I get indigestion every week when I come home. I have Nabal drunkenly asking can we go on a date. If he had me 'back' with him he would drink no more. He's going to make enough money for me to stay home and not work. He wants a hug, a kiss. Every last thing makes my stomach knot. For the thousandth time: Would you marry me again? Another twist.

When I'm away? Work is stressful, but no stomach problems!

Thursday

Back on the mountain and ready for work. I drive one and one half to two hours to get here. When I drive I think. Then I refuse to think. Talk to God a little, easy too little... Think again. Repeat.

My thoughts were sorrowful tonight. Thinking back over life and recognizing one pitiful thing after another. If we could just go back in time...but that's a moot point..isn't it? To be 19 again... But sorrow seems to follow like a personal rain cloud. So I would replace these sorrows for others.

Somehow my mind wandered to the early years with Nabal. Why did I just settle. I think back and realize he wasn't very much different than he is now. Things I thought would change never did. He did try to earn me...

What made me very sad was that in 20 years we have never celebrated our anniversary. Not even belatedly. If anything was celebrated every, it was me who planned and carried it out. Maybe that's just men's ways. Weekday do I know. Sadly nothing.

Tuesday

Drinking makes for wastefulness, not just money but resources. It just keeps hitting home. Today our daughter pointed out two large plates of cut salad with jalapenos and avocado sitting out on the kitchen counter, wilted and now garbage. There are only four of us and Nabal made enough for some 10 people! None of us were hungry. Then he passed out leaving it all out. Our daughter pointed out that this its why there is no food by mid week... Just a sad waste of food resources.

So one of the goats got lost briefly... I'd think the story was funny if it didn't show just how Nabal's mind is going, going, gone... The goat was found unharmed. Of course I had to wait to the end of his story to know that. Damn drunks!

So they find the goat is missing and start looking for it. Then Nabal gets the notion that I probably came home early and put the goat in the basement... Oh he has lost it...! Why the heck would I do that? Now I realize why he called so many times while I was at work. He just doesn't get that I don't have my phone on me... One day I get off early and now he always does that. Its part of his campaign to prove his love... When he finds a better victim I'm sure he will skip off down the road like his butt is on fire.

I finally ordered classes to further my credentials! Then I won't need to work at the crazy place I work. They don't have enough people on staff so they are working people until they hurt themselves. Three out on workmans compensation... The new manager is not a right fit. The place where I work is in a secluded area, at least a place where folks don't flock to live. Management hasn't hired any more people nor have the vigorously advertised throughout the country. Oh well. The dilemma once I get more certification is where to go... I'm just so tired of here, but where? Nabal is making years from now plans. Yes he's just ignoring me. Its one of his avoidance games. His divorce threats suddenly became unfun once I agreed that divorce was the right course of action.

I know I have a dim foxhole view of life right now, but I just don't see a way out still. No one cooperates. My kids are still at home. I'm pushing for them to get going with college and get to a place where they get into four year colleges, both are dragging their heels in and hating life. They don't have good tools, and that's my fault. Guess I'm just reaping a little from 20 years of bad existence... Then there's Nabal...he wants to keep status quo. Some days I almost get in the mindset to go along with him, he usually does whatever its opposite of whatever he thinks I want. The cost there is too great. He would be the triumphant stud that won me back, and that right there...bedroom time, I am not willing to do. Plus it probably wouldn't work. He'd have won and I can't act that long anymore.

So just found out from the kids that I will need to place the goats somewhere in a new home. Nabal amuses himself when he's drunk be tormenting the weaker goat... Put the poor thing in one of his broken down cars then when it stumbled when he let it jump out he just stood there laughing. My son wanted to do harm to Nabal. I wasn't home and he didn't, that is a triumph.

Nabal was so drunk the boy took the truck keys when he went down the street to visit his friend. Nabal called and cursed him out for taking the keys. Yet they all feel stick here...with him... I guess I do to. Life has become hell for everyone except Nabal. How does that happen? He seems oblivious drinking his life away. How does that happen?

Monday

Nabal just its not getting it. You can not bully forgiveness. Give me a kiss? You are my wife, you have to kiss me? Throwing in a few curse words. He was drunk, but he knows darn well what he's up to...

Friday

Oh no....Nabal remembered my number! So I got another beer soaked call. He started calling 2 hours before I got home. He got a big check today and wanted to tell me I could come home and work no more. Everything he had every done, he's done for me. The person who perpetrated all the nastiness? That was someone else... (his words) If I would just be nice. We need to stay together to do big things. Love you with all my heart. I've never been with another woman. (he laughs) Hard as I try I can't find anyone else, but I really want to be with you.

Anyone else see anything wrong with that declaration, or it's it just me?

I want to keep you. You are my little baby. We can't throw away what we have.

Of Nabal and his crazy declarations... Why it's all about money. Nabal's mother it's one money hungry greedy woman. But she won't work for it. She instead convinced her boys they had to support her fully since she was in her forties... Ergo, he thinks every woman is controlled and/or swayed by the almighty dollar.

Let me think back...he voiced the D word years ago. Divorce. It used to strike terror in my heart because I was trying so damn hard. Once I agreed with him...suddenly he became champion of our marriage and I was the quitter. Plainly that game had outlived it's usefulness to Nabal... Took him a while to test that out- that was when he would mind numbingly vasilate between the hero and wanting a divorce. He just had to figure out which bothered me more.

He has been looking for someone else. Well, I guess he's trying that out to see if it bothers me. Way too late.

Why he said someone else was that mean person talking? I may have said too much...I told him that when he has lots odd money...he goes out of his easy to be mean and nasty. And honestly, id he did it once it's only a matter of time till he's flush and does it again. There. Now he had ammunition in figuring me out.

With him, it all comes down to head games. He knows if I don't work-I'm definitely stuck, so stroke there first. He knows I was an abandoned child, so strike there second. He knows all these almost twenty years of making me nuts and emotionally confused wasn't wasted time. So go there last.

It's the little- Not letting you go. That scares me. I'm his possession... Point of the whole conversation...or has fear written that in for me.

He did ask if there was anyone else. Not a soul. He did hurriedly correct himself. Oh the history behind that loaded question. Years of me trying so dang hard only to be accused time and again. Just making up ridiculous crap. I would jump every time thinking I had done something to make him think that. I stopped looking around when we went out. There was the chance he would think I had looked at someone with lustful eyes. I look back and laugh, but I was trying to be so perfect and he would completely blow me out of the water. Id just become more reclusive.

I had a funny thought the other night and herein is the problem our issue. I don't really enjoy the company of other women. There have been a few really good close friends, but for the most part my friends have been males. Why? I prefer talking about guy stuff- carpentry, cars, sports, etc. I prefer the way men interact with friends. Want to drive me over the edge- talk all afternoon about girlie stuff. Yes I knit, I sew, I wear dresses and makeup sometimes, but I prefer guy talk mostly. Some other lose screw from my past probably, but there it is. This is a perfect reason for me to be married...to a guy. But Nabal is the type of guy that doesn't like talking to woman particularly, even about things he likes. He was brought up to only have male friends and women were for housework. Well and bedroom fun...any time he wants.

Hell I picked the wrong guy! And I knew it. People always say if you choose with your heart you will choose a foolish thing. Well, I'm here to say choosing with your head isn't doing me any favors either. Maybe even worse. Live it's a decision. I decided to overlook a lot for a long time, and so did he. But there has always been something missing, something I worked extra hard at that shouldn't have always needed to be work. Choosing solely with your head, I think, sucks just as bad or worse than with your heart.

Thursday

I work an extra day this week. Yay money! Nabal called tonight... He had to tell me he gave the goats the shots they were supposed to be given three days ago. He tells us yesterday that he needs to get food for them... He already had them 3 days! They are not used to foraging and they are weak. It's as if he can't manage anything. His ploy to suck us all in because he knows we won't stand by and see animals mistreated.

So he asks me if he can come up here and sleep with me... Of course he's juiced up! Then he wants to know if he makes enough money will I just stay home... He's purposely being obtuse! He has gotten in his mind that he did nothing wrong, whatever went wrong is my fault. The end.

Its just so frustrating... He rewrites history and I struggle to keep sanity... People just don't realize how hard it is not top fall back into a mind set. Not to just go with the flow. Not to knuckle under the crazy making. The mind games. I just feel so dang weak at times. Like the elephant who's chain has been loosed but he won't venture far still. Just not having the conscious knowledge that he is free of bonds. Some days its the wrong he's done to the kids that matter more than me. Its because of the ever changing truth... It just wears me down. He has a rationalization for every argument. The thing its, none of that should master to me! I have everything in writing why does it matter what he concocts? Lies flow from him like Niagara, yet I try to defend with logic. He finds a lie to shut me down every time. Why do I care? Because I'm broken. Something went wrong a long ago that makes me have to have reasons for everything, and others have to concur or I become afraid. Not normal at all... I'm starting to feel like I've waited too long and I'm stuck, but that's not true at all. Why does some part of me buy into his whole- that was the past, and wrongly remembered, but now its the present and he's decided I need to forget everything (I imagined?) and get back with the program. Simply put he's decided its easier to stay so I have to agree. Just how it feels...

Now he's the shining hero that put up with me all these years. The ever loving husbands (albeit misunderstood and rough around the edges) who has put up with my bad behavior! Such a twisted existence... Why do I pause? Am I really that weak? By appearances, I would have to say yes.

The other night we took the nephew and the children out to eat. He'd come from church so had Pablito with him. That man looks bad now too. He really needs to go into treatment, but with Nabal around... So its the only night Nabal didn't get drunk. He had to leave early because he felt sick...

I can sit here and wait for Nabal to kick the bucket, or find another willing woman. Or I can get the therapy I need and get strong. Got a lot of thinking to do. I've gotten to the point I don't care about anything but the kids and work. Sadly other people mean nothing to me art this point. Why? They can't help. They would rather not know. It's all on me.

And just tonight an ex-school teacher killed his wife who was divorcing him and his girlfriend. Killed some kids also. The girlfriend's mother commented that he was controlling and she had advised her daughter against getting mixed up with him.

This is my number one pause. Now Nabal has rewritten history he will use it in his own mind for retaliation. Fear...again.

Monday (My Friday!)

Today my little one turned 17! I got home at 11pm to a drunk and goats. (and we were dumb enough to think Nabal was just talking again...)

Night before last my girl calls me up where I work. It was birthday eve eve. (yes eve eve. Yesterday was birthday eve) She'd just gotten off work. Her brother was to have picked her up and when he wasn't there she tried calling Nabal but got no answer. Nabal had gotten drunk with 5 other guys and took the truck. Her brother said he was really drunk and not to ride with him. She called her boyfriend and he turned around to go pick her up. While she and I were talking she thought she saw Nabal's truck. She hung up because get brother was calling again.

She called back hot mad. Nabal's nephew, who is visiting told her Nabal was coming to pick her up. When she told him Nabal was there and drunk so she wasn't driving with him and that she had a ride on the way. The nephew told get she should get in the truck with her drunk father. He has worked with Nabal for two weeks and listened to his 'poor me the lovable victim' crap while he was sober. Kid doesn't realize naval is so fast in the bottle he doesn't make much sense at any time.

Ok, what is it about this family of Nabal's that they overlook drunken dangerous behavior? They overlook any bad behavior and make excuses for it from his mother on down!

Today, Nabal called me all day at work. I don't have my phone on at work. Not that kind of job. I got off at 6, got to the parking lot at 6:30. He through I was getting off early so 'we' could take the birthday girl out to dinner. Both kids knew when I get off work... Oh! But now I am his convenient excuse for him not doing anything yet again for a birthday... Geez! He had just taken her and her best friend to a nice restaurant...and dropped them off.

By the time I got home she was coming home from the movies with her beau. Her brother was just getting home. We went in to beer bottles lined up everywhere! Nabal and his young (though 21) nephew had been drinking. Does that man have no limit? The boy's father is a drinker... He, Nabal, had done absolutely nothing for the child's birthday... No cake, no present, no nothing. Just drunk-his first and only love.

She's an easy person to buy for. I'd picked up some things last week for her and she really really loves bouquets of flowers so I went and got her flowers. I did drop the ball...I meant to have them sent to get this morning.

The odd thing its Nabal had to run behind me to see everything and make comment. (not always the nicest. He's always got to pick.. He thinks he's pretty funny.) He kept saying under his breath, "are you going to sleep with me tonight?" Call me crazy...but Umm,no!

I heard him talking to the nephew. Giving him advice. I had to laugh, we have heard all his nutty ramblings for so many years, but this poor kid was looking for a family member from that side who cared...all he got was Nabal and his paranoid drunk talk...

I was talking to our boy. Nabal comes drunk stepping in and says, "You like him so much." WTH? He has always been jealous of the kids, even when I talked to him. I can only guess he wanted to do to them what wad done to him. His drunken mom would choose her boyfriends over the boys and treat them poorly...yeah, not me.

Next time the story of why he told his son he had killed someone in a fight. Really? And he curses talking to the kids like he's talking to his drinking buddy friends. Yeah...he's still one of the deacons...

Sunday

I'm tired. Tomorrow is my Friday! But tonight as I look at the Facebook feed, seeing all the wonderful things families do...I am sad. My kids were shortchanged. Always broke. The differences of where we thought money should be spent when there was some. Having no mutual friends to speak of. His were single men, or here minus their wives, thus living single. Any friends I brought around, he hated the male in any couple and found something wrong with the women. Aren't friends folks just like us...who have flaws, just like us...but you manage to overlook them because there's something you just like about them? I see now I was just walling myself off. Trying to make others happy. Well, is it hard to believe I sit here now sad and unhappy. Pity party!

Friends...I really do have a few.they are a long way away even when I'm home. I don't think of it often...my mother was not big on me having friends. She had friends, mine were criticized. I guess I just thought that was normal... Eeeegads! I went and married my mother! Nother pity party!

I see old friends...they have lives I don't fit into. I guess that's quite normal. I caught up with a man, who when we were young, was the love of my life. I have always regretted bowing to my mother's criticism and making a foolish choice. He became 'unmarried' along the way...hmmm...something to revisit maybe. Nope he has moved down love's lane and I still sit here spinning wheels. Such is life, my life. Too much fear, to much hesitation, way to much cowering under criticism.

My life, down through the years has seemed as if I live in a glass box- I see, but can get no closer than that quarter inch of glass will allow. A friend reminded me some years ago that we are broken...and that's that... Seeking better or more is futile.

Those memes about smiling while dying on the inside are just every day. It's so normal that at times we forget. Even more succinctly is that we, the smiling faces, have learned to ignore the sharp edges of the broken parts and pretend normal. If we don't we'd go insane with the pain of so awful much that no one else gives a hoot about. Move on. Suck it up. Just handle your business. Hell, if we could do that, don't you all imagine we would? Broken happened at such early ages...we just can't see fixed, we have no memory of it...

Party over. Back to my smile. Sleep usually helps broaden the smile.

Thursday

I look at New York politician Weiner... If his wife can't drag herself away... What gets me is when Nabal sees men behaving badly, his first response is to defend the guy. Probably had reasons: not enough sex is his usual thought. Sex? Oh how amorous being put down and degraded makes a girl feel.

Welcome Home...

Got home from working out of state. The grass did get cut, but so did my only flowers...my carnations. I do hope they grow back. What is it in Nabal that he has to destroy all my flowers...?

I'm trying to sleep an hour before I drive 7 hours to take my girl to look at a school. He comes down...drunk. Guess I really didn't need to say that...would be less time consuming to say when he isn't. He's bothered because he can't talk to the child about college because he's never been. Ok. Asks if it's not cheaper to keep her in state. Blah, blah, blah.

Then asks if instead of sleeping if I want to 'play' with him... Aside from everything else, how would that help me drive? Well then he says, "I'm going to get you back on my way. Not your way, but my way. You wait and see." Just drunk talk or 'trying' to plantanother seed of fear? That I'll never get away...

I'm trying...

Gosh...Nabal started cooking and passed out... Our boy came in and caught it and turned it off. Thank God, because I can't smell it down here.

Alcohol Talking

Nabal was pretty talkative tonight. He was excited because he'd just come in from the car auction. He amidst bought another car! Crimany! Did he or didn't he by the other car? He just started making money again, and it's burning a hole in his pocket!

So...he tried to tell me I didn't need to go to work ever again... Why oh why does he feel that would spiral to me. The kids are raised- back to work. I like work and to work. He told me work had picked up do I should just stay home. He was, around the edges trying to imply that he had thought it out and I was to stop because he'd decided I should. Ain't happening!

He went on to say he liked me home and sleeping with him. Yet another thing that hasn't happened in 2 years, and ain't about to!

He then tells me it's too cold to sleep here in the basement. It was 90 some degrees today...! I'm loving the temp here. Then he asks if I want him to install a heater down here... Did I mention it was in the 90's today?!?

The grass, yes the nutty ex-alcoholic guy down the street has it. His truck is broken down somewhere. That also is not my problem, he needs to get the lawnmower to me so I can cut my grass. I pretty much laid him out. Then he hit me up for a ride... No! I was putting in the bathroom faucet, and cleaning up the filthy room. Thankfully I have one down here!

Earlier in the day while I was trimming the hedges there was poison ivy. Years I wasn't allergic to it, could roll in it. Now, it gets me,bleck! Nabal says to me: I told you I would take care of it. Take care of what? I asked. In all these years he has never touched the shrubs. Once, years ago when we first got here he proclaimed that he was going to cut everything down to the ground. Lazy man's way. Cut them back do hard you only have to do it once a year. Nope, we are not commercial property...

So, he told me he was going to weed wack today. What he actually did (a recap): got drunk and almost spent $1500 on an auction car he doesn't need. Oh yeah, I can stop working... Money makes him lose his mind. When he's broke- he's depressed. When he has money he takes the other manic swing.

In talking about the recovered alcoholic Nabal mentioned Pablito. The powers that be are trying to entice him to enter into a recovery program. Nabal claims he wants no part of it. Probably truthful, after all he is an addict, but Nabal is stirring that put too. He'd be out a drinking buddy and then he'd have less of an excuse to remain an alcoholic. He's like a Venus fly trap.when he smells a possible alcoholic buddy he fights to draw that side of them out.

The kids told me he had his old friend Hector drinking. This is the guy who's liver was compromised due to an antibiotic allergy... He has no limit. Selfishly wanting everyone down where he is and when there are alcohol repercussions, he denys alcohol's part or blames doctors. Teflon!

Dysfunction In The Alcahome

Got home and say in the car taking in my front yard: Grass out of control. Shrubs out of control. Weeds way out of control! Yes, an alcoholic lives here...

But he did have time to buy another junk car this week! For the kids to drive you know. A real teen car- a 1996 Park Avenue... Thank you for purchasing a gas guzzling hooptie! He's do status conscious... He originally wanted a Jaguar for them...

So last night I asked Nabal if we had any gas. He asked my why I wanted to know. Like if a kid were asking a personal question. "To cut the grass." I answered. He got strangely quiet... I should have known...

Got up early this morning before the heat and searched all over for the lawnmower. Nada. Called Nabal and he gave me a convoluted conversation about the guy down the street. The kids said they heard it was broken and Nabal was ranting about it one night when he was drunk.  He ended by saying he would weed wack the grass once he got home. Weed wack just short of a half acre?!? So I pulled out my hedge trimmers that I hide. (The only way I keep it serviceable) Got the front done, doing with sweat. One could hardly get out the back door the bushes were so wild.

We had a flea problem. Evidently I'm the only one who can buy the good stuff. It got out of hand as 'cheaper' stuff was explored. At this point it would have been cheaper to buy the best stuff, what with the money spent exploring. I had stuff to kill fleas from lady year's similar debacle, but how would an alcoholic remember that far back? Do he bought that too. It it's still down. Oh, unless it's a shop vac...it's women's work! Yeah...I'll get that stuff up...before we breath it all in!

How drunks cost their families: They break stuff through drunken carelessness. They cook massive amounts of food while drunk, which no one wants to eat, do it's all thrown away. They buy junk. If there's not money to pay bills, somehow they 'find' money for their hooch. They destroy good stuff because it gets left outside when they pass out. Nothing ever gets fixed until it's doing damage. Or fix something so half assed that it may as well be broken. When one can only use a lawnmower of one has knowledge of mechanical workings then one can't expect mere teens to be able to help! Also if said machine is only steps away from being a death trap unless you have a lifetime of working with heavy machinery behind you- it is useless to a family!

There you have it. How the mental deterioration of alcoholism costs a family. I'm setting a new bathroom faucet today, it's been leaking almost a year. I think it's time. Nabal couldn't find washers. Heck it's been there 15+ years. I think we're allowed a new one!

I'm so tired. Some days I look around and just get more tired.

Thursday

I detest a drunk explaining himself. Every detail is blurred or changed. Given enough time, every one of their improprieties is not their own, but caused by you. They...were just unfortunate victims of you first, then any bad choices they made...because of you. Yes, it will always come back to you...given enough time.

My red headed brother-in-law lost his youngest child to cancer this week. I am so messed up that I was almost happy for the child... They overlook the needs of these girl children so much. I felt guilty. That is until Nabal told me last night that same brother had beat his 17 year old daughter up, oh and disrespected his mother. Oh my gosh! Beat up his daughter?!? There is no reason to do that, but I asked why expecting grief as the excuse. Nope... It was because he's broke. What the heck is his problem was all I could ask. Then I got a lecture about how having no money makes you feel. Still not a reason to beat up your 17 year old daughter! There really is no reason.

This is the same girl child who has a severe learning disability and it was too much trouble to get her any help. When they had her in a good school he and his girlfriends found it taxing to take her across town after a while. She could walk to their neighborhood school and not put anyone out. (reminds me of Nabal's complaints about me taking our daughter to the school that helped her so) When offered, help was turned away because no one was concerned about his son. His son's only problem is bad behavior... Which is acceptable in Mexican boys. Yeah everyone complains, but no one addresses the behavior. Back to the whole boys beating up or slapping girls and their cries being ignored. Go in peace Juanita, you have escaped a life of subtle and outright abuse.

A Tuesday in July

Job started, doing well and making money! All Nabal seems to have figured out is how to drink more... I'd forgotten how hard it is to catch up with money. My 4x4 broke down and I had to buy something reliable and cheap do I could keep working. But I did keep working!! And that's what counts!

Nabal has managed to further distance himself from our girl, but that turned out to be a good thing. She's pretty set on going to school now and that I'm happy with! Some place down south- nice and warm, and with a wonderful set up to support students with learning disabilities! There are a few around but I think this one may fit her personality like a glove. I'm thrilled!

Heard the other day that Noel brought his mother info the country so he can sure for full custody of the kids. I don't understand these latino guys...they can't take care of children. They need a woman, have to have a woman. My own mother-in-law raised her brother's kids when his wife died. A nice thing, but he went completely away and drank himself to death. Her son would drop his kids off ask the time between girlfriends... Just don't get these guys and don't think American courts will really care.

April 30, 2013

4/30

Nabal is drunk as usual. He's been trying to act pretty chummy lately, but it's funny what you pick up when you can hear but can't be seen. Our boy came home from work and was walking around, Nabal asked him what he was doing. He replied that he was talking to his sister. Nabal let out a surprised and incredulous- WHAT!

Our son said yeah. Nabal in a sort of odd accusatory. voice asked him: Why?! My skin crawled. It was the same inferred disdain Nabal used when referring to most American children who visited our house. Clearly getting his disapproval across. He enjoys keeping them splintered. Also there's his general thinking that while another man is around, why would another man want to talk to a woman?   

I see a lot of women, young and old post a particular meme on Facebook: 

Treat women the same way you would want your daughter treated. 

I have a problem with this as its misleading. These men do or will treat their daughters in the same manner they treat any other woman. In their minds that daughter has one fatal flaw- she's a woman... I know you can say that to a normal boy/teen/man, but I know these women to also have history of abuse. So be aware, even blood doesn't change their views. It's a core value! If they don't even say it aloud, look at the little details- those little details that a girl needs from her father to form healthy self-worth.

Last night Nabal woke me to tell me I needed to come upstairs and sleep with him. And sleep there forever. Then he started with his version of sexy talk- more like baby talk. Then he says: I won't even touch you. 

Call me a B but I haven't changed his sheets since last fall...maybe summer. I noticed he finally took them off. (maybe they crawled off themselves) He's now sleeping on the mattress cover... Many times he passes out in his work clothes...in the bed.

Nabal's speech tonight:

     Hey, what are we going to do with two kids without school? Do we have to go put them in school? (I told him this isn't like public school. They need to make some decisions themselves.) Don't we have to pay for them? I need you to be with me and love me so we can pay for their school. You need to come be with me and love me. Are you mad at me? What's wrong? I love you with all my heart and don't know why you don't love me. Everything I do, I do for you. I'm never going to leave you. You need to think about this. 

This right here is why I write. He sounded such the victim. Victim of unwarranted anger that just came out of nowhere, for no reason. I know he's drunk, but his game never veers. End of May,.. No more reason, except fear, to play any of his games. 

Nabal came downstairs and told me he lost his phone. The voice of a child who had misplaced his toy and wanted mama to help locate it. This is normal when he's drunk. I asked him when the last time he had it. His reply, "I think that boy Mario took it!" I looked at him like he was nuts, Mario is the high school friend of our boy (much older because of language setbacks) and has a smart phone. Nabal has a broke down flip phone. So I asked, "Why in the world would he have taken your old phone?" Them he explains that he was sitting in the boy's car drinking then some old wino came up and he got out the car to talk. Mario went for more beer. I stopped him there, "So, you left the phone or it dropped out your pocket in the car?" Yes, he took it, Nabal replied. I know it's a little thing, but he absolved himself of fault and placed it on someone else who was innocent of evil intent. Classic!

April 25, 2013

4/25

Nabal came in earlier than usual, but still drunk off his butt. He was drunkenly trying to tell me about some job he thought he was getting short changedu on. He got a note from a contractor about a month ago and he was still mad about it. He finally brought it in. (one unpleasant thing about talking to drunks either on the phone or in person is their constant belching while they talk) I looked at it and realized right away it wasn't a short change. This is something he would have caught himself years ago, but now with all the alcohol he can't add 2+2... On the paper were figures added up for each part of the job...he had never even noticed them. He's looked at this paper sober as well as drunk and never even noticed. 

Again he's bugging me about Mother's Day. I guess he figures I'll get tired of him asking and not work. Today was the: So you won't be joining us at my church? 

It's not just this, he's talking again about buying a new stove, extending the kitchen, putting in new cabinets. WE DON'T HAVE MONEY!! And he's completely ignoring the fact that I barely communicate. And that I've said I am hate this town and am leaving. Renting the house doesn't involve all that. He told me today that we need to start celebrating things together. Then under his breath made some excuse of never having money in the past. Truth rewrite: If someone didn't remind him and shop for him...no one got anything. Told me now we have to pull together... How do you get through to a person who just won't accept? Who is living in a fantasy. 

He was lamenting that he wanted to build a big company. He had one; he lost his damn mind and pisses away all the money, started chasing women, started drinking like a fish. In hindsight, he was always trying to 'keep me in my place' with intermittent attacks, but once he had money his real hate for me came out. Can't push that genie back in the bottle and say it was me who hated him and is unforgiving. 

Nabal started telling me some tale about someone eating his can of sardines that he had in his truck and leaving the mess. Yeah...my sympathies just weren't giving a damn because he does that in the house leaving every dirty dish wherever he sat. Come to find out Pablito has been sleeping in Nabal's truck... He can't sleep so he walks all night. Nabal said the man thinks he's getting sick again. I'm assuming Pablito is drinking again and the alcoholic psychosis is back. My boy said the man told him he gets it from his mom who was mentally ill. Wow, any excuse to blame a woman. Now, unless she was also an alcoholic... But what we get from the excuse is: it's not my fault for drinking (and continuing to drink) that I have alcoholic psychosis, it's mom's fault for being I'll and she passed mental illness on to me. No personal responsibility at all.  

Now the 2 drunks are sitting out on the back patio with a fire in the fireplace, evidently praying. They have been there for 2 hours, it's past 12am, there's a frost warning up tonight. What you want to bet they are both passed out in chairs. Did I mention that Nabal said that Pablito has the same yellowish brown discolorations on his leg that Nabal has had for about 3 years now? And said his face is puffy... Neither will admit it had anything to do with their drinking habits...

I recently realized my son is a personal embarrassment. He treats his girlfriend just like he's been taught by his dad,!uncles and friends. He also takes no personal responsibility. Yes he was raised in a highly dysfunctional home, but once you're an adult you can change. I pray he does, but the payoff is a siren song. 

In this reality, a woman is responsible for every error and omission she makes. To be apologized for as if all were intentional. I can still hear Nabal chastising me for any forgotten thing, no matter how small: you forget things because you don't care. If you cared, you would have remembered. She's wanton, by virtue of being a woman, it's only a matter of time until she's caught. Women are responsible for every error and omission of any man...somehow. When cornered, these men will practically cry and throw a drama infused fit of self blame then ask if whatever woman is present are they satisfied. Macho men are really very ugly drama queens!  

April 23, 2013

I saw Nabal with 'brother' Hector tonight and all I could think was 1) gosh I hope he doesn't convince him to drink. He has kidney damage from an antibiotic allergic reaction. Oh, but that wouldn't stop Nabal...he'd swear the doctors were wrong and beer would fix it. And 2) Maybe is dodge the bullet of Ole Drunk Nabal since the brother was around. 

Well, I still hope he doesn't get Hector to drink. Nabal came in and I'd fried fish for dinner and made a big spring salad. And Nabal yells down the steps that the fish moved. Yup! He's drunk alright. We can file that with the green cat. 

He could barely stand so I fixed his plate. He asked me what I was doing for Mother's Day. I told him working probably. He asked in his victim/child voice: You don't want to stay with me? Had to give him a puzzled stare. What the hell does Mother's Day have to do with him first of all. Second my profession has big traffic on that day. Third, and what I told him, no one ever does anything on Mother's Day. (except the kids) He looks at me and asks: Can't people change? You don't let people change. (This as he stands before me drunk as. skunk...as usual. Haha! If I know Nabal, they are having some dinner at his church and he was trying to rope me in. That's what used to happen... 

Thank goodness it was time to pick the girlie up from work. 

It still echoes in my mind, the words he said the other night. Damn words...always his weapons. I hope you not thinking to divorce me, 'cause it's neeeeever going to happen. Ne-ver going to happen. Never.  Just makes it all seem impossible again. My brave self is wavering. 

April 21, 2013

The little things. Some days they just pop into my head out of nowhere. Tonight Nabal had the radio on in his room playing songs I've never heard him listen to, it was old rock from when I was a kid. That made me think of how on and off through the years I've bought radio tape players for the living room. So the kids and I or whoever is in vv r the common space has music. Every single time, even a largish Karaoke machine, has been taken to a job or outside for a drunken and never seen in the house again. What I finally did get that remained in the house is a weather band/AM/FM transistor type thing. That and the nice CD radio mini stereo I bought for Nabal for Christmas years ago. I complained, he acted as if he was way too busy to go get one for himself. All were broken, lost or left out in the elements. Just another way the family was short changed in a way that goes under the radar, but leaves you wondering how important you aren't. A little thing. I don't even know if I'm explaining it correctly, but it's a small thoughtless act among many. 

April 18, 2013

Nabal was in rare form tonight. He must smell a rat, as he's into head games pretty strong. Desperation leads to mistakes, thankfully. 

Nabal was talking about 'cleaning' up the yard. He started talking about the old Galaxy. I try to tune him out as he just likes to talk plans that never get done. I they did we'd have an aqueduct in the back yard attached to a garage apartment. (none of which exist after 7 years) He was telling me he was going to give it away. Then asked what I thought he should do. Finally I told him do what he wants to do. He bristled and told me I was his wife so had to tell him what to do. That was it, I told him he didn't consult me when he bought it why now?  He went into a whole explanation that he indeed had discussed it with me and he didn't pay for it. We are one and I needed to tell him what to do with the car. Told me I had probably forgotten but he remembered telling me. So...who has been soaking their brain in alcohol for the last 5 years- me or him? 

Then he decided that he needs to touch me while he was talking. I was trying to fix dinner and just kept moving. He was annoyed I wouldn't stop what I was doing and engage him. Then he said quietly, but audibly: I hope you're not thinking to divorce me. Then much louder: because it's never gonna happen, never gonna happen. Then went on with what he was saying. 

Yes I know it's a head game, dropping that then moving on. I know it's to scare me. Recently 2 of his friends have been 'divorced' by their very complacent wives. 

Another head game: He kept asking me should he take a shower. Yes he worked today. Finally he took a bath after I told him that was his decision not mine. He comes downstairs and announces he's going to sleep and wants a kiss goodnight. When we were on good terms he NEVER did that. I told him goodnight. He tried to hug me and I ducked him. I was doing laundry and he informed me it was late. I needed to go to sleep. (seriously? I...don't need a parent) Then he says: It's ok he was ok, and thanked me for the goodnight hug and went upstairs. Goodnight hug? What goodnight hug? Wow Nabal...good gaslight! I'm onto your game, and the sky is indeed blue. 

That drunken ass ate all the vegetables knowing our boy still had to eat. Selfish ass! 

Nabal is still telling me about all the improvements he's going to make to the house when he struck it rich. I can hear it in his comments he so envies anyone with money. He works for people who don't pay or don't pay well. He complains about how they exploit Hispanics yet he continues working for them and paling around with them. He actually complains how one guy is a drunk and how he dislikes dealing with the man when drunk, all while he himself is snookered... Just amazing! This is the same man Nabal once held up to me as having a living family and he was a drunk, so what was my problem.

April 13, 2013

4/13

I start work part time in another town next week, weekends. Nabal was today wondering why. I didn't really need to work, after all once work picks up he'll catch up. I almost laughed. He has overdrawn his account just about every week lately. His bank curtailed his check writing at gas stations and food stores. He's lucky they didn't close his account. 

He at one point was almost $700 in the red. Last week I covered $274 of overdrafts, by the time he put a check in he was $134 in the hole. When I speak to him he defends it all by saying he has to get around somehow. Like the bank should really get with it. 

We are so far behind. No satellite TV, which I had been thinking needed to be scaled back months ago, but he had to have his Spanish channels. No Internet, but he's the only one bothered by that again. Only local calls, no long distance. His credit card is grossly in arrears. The truck payment of almost $500 a month is overdue. (he wouldn't go get a better loan. Wanted me to go do it for him) I got a good check a few weeks ago and was able to catch up on utilities. The mortgage is not quite late yet. Property taxes haven't been paid since December and more will be due come June. He has a traffic ticket he told me to pay last week, luckily I looked, that was when he was $275 in the hole. He never checks how much he has, just writes checks...

I feel overwhelmed, I live in fear of things being taken, confiscated. My life the past few years feels like a bath draining slowly. Very recently I can feel the tug of the whirlpool forming before the final whoosh of the remaining water. I stepped up work by 2 months as things here are not getting any better. I was hoping to wait until our girl graduated. We won't have 2 nickels if I wait. I felt so bad last year when our boy graduated and didn't have money to even go to a restaurant to celebrate. Nabal has no problem with it. His answer is to throw a party, invite all his single drinking buddies and get drunk. 

Since the Spanish TV went off Nabal mostly gets drunk somewhere else and one night none of us are sure he made it home. He came in a few nights ago and wanted me to fix his plate, because that's a wife's job. When he realized I'd shut the chickens in he started saying, "I knew you loved me. You took care of the chickens." It's stuff like that, just doing the right thing in general, and he tries to make it all about him. He just pretends I'm being temperamental and nothing really happened. This is why I write.

When I was going for my interview last week, Nabal had the audacity to ask me if they had some office work for me to do. This doesn't sound bad until you understand the interview was with a premiere resort where my skill set is needed and th pay is well above office personnel. my profession is a skilled craft and he was trying to slam me and my confidence. Funny thing is even my past profession wasn't office work. I've never been an office type, have nothing against them. Not saying what I do is better or worse, it's just right for me. My interview was over the top good and I was offered the job unofficially then and there! HR called and made it official. Funny, other people think me and my skills are pretty slamming! Funny thing is I'm still pretty POed about the office work crack because I saw what he was doing. It kinda helped me, I got so mad I completely got over my interview jitters! But it made me mad and sad seeing the manipulation. Instead of him bettering his behavior, he'd rather tear me down so I will have to stay. Then there's the nightly, "You going to sleep with me tonight?" I think he's just seeing the handwriting, maybe he honestly thought I would just forget and go back quietly to our old life. Then I'm sure he'd go back to his usual self if he ever caught a whiff of me caring again. I'm just not playing the game anymore. I'm off the abuse cycle merry go round. 

I know a split is going to be hell, that's when the real Nabal will come out. Looks like I'm in the road, but there is still fear.

He was just down here complaining about a drunk he has to deal with who he works for. Complaining that every time he needs to talk to the guy he's drunk. Then asked me why I thought the man was getting worse. He asked if I thought it was because the economy was getting better. 

He moved onto his nightly plea for me to come upstairs with him. Then apologized for not providing the life I envisioned. What? Oooooh, I see, now the reason I act the way I do is because he can't make enough money to make me happy. Nothing whatsoever to do with anything wrong he's done. So he gets to be misunderstood. The poor working stiff. Me? I get painted as a shrew. Anyone who knows me would laugh out loud at that. I've never been materialistic. Talk about surrealistic painting. He had rewritten history do make himself out to be the poor man who can't make enough money to please his wife. He's the one who sucked all the money up with nothing to show for. He's the one who refused to leave his money in a savings account because he wanted to show 'someone' that he had lots of money. He's the one who was begging me for ten thousand dollars at a time, which he promised to pay back once he got paid for a job, only to spend it all and be back begging for more until it was all gone. He is the one who wants to be the big spender, yet he's projecting it onto me. 

I'm pretty sure he's drinking right now. Pretty hard to tell these days, the only thing that tells him is he tries the sexy talk. 

He just came down, outraged that my good friend who was married to his ex-pastor, had left him. I already knew that, but didn't let on. He was so mad at the woman. I reminded him that most people predicted this almost at the wedding because of he was he was such a nasty controlling little man. Nabal said, "But he changed." I reminded him he did not live with them and just because he was different in public didn't mean he'd changed at home. Then Nabal said she was crazy, and he remembered the day she went crazy. He and some guys helped them move when Noel lost the house. (funny, his neighbors who went to the church refused to help him) Nabal said that day she went crazy, trying to tell her husband that she could do whatever she wanted. (hmmmm) Up to then, she had been quiet in accepting his abuse in public, ducking her head and complying. He spoke to her any way he felt. That day she stood up for herself- Nabal saw it as her going crazy. That's a telling thought don't you think? Until she stood up for herself they all pitied her, stuck up for her.  Nabal said he'd 'spoken' to Noel about his behavior, but the day she had the audacity to speak up and not take her husband's abuse- she went crazy. Thank God she has a lawyer this time. She also has her parents here as support, and a women's group specially for Spanish speaking women! Nabal's parting shot was: They fired her dad from his job. He was all about defending the abuser now, there was a time he defended that woman. What happened? I think he's that abuser Lundy Bancroft speaks of who is the woman's champion yet abuses in his own home. Mostly psychological abusers- yup. If they don't throw a punch; they are spotless. Well, Nabal may have given a clue as to how Noel plans to get their kids from her. I think she has a lawyer who is used to dealing with these folks. She'll get a heads up for sure. I wouldn't put it past Nabal to go be the church deacon witness for his abusive buddy. 

These guys really hang together and cover for one another.... 

March 12, 2013

Small Differences

Nabal,  4 years ago, over my protests lied about moving out so our boy could go to school in another district. Said boy is now a graduate. His sister did get a boon from this being able to go to a school that is good for her learning disability and she's graduating a year early. 

Nabal has run into trouble in that the folks he had his fake address with were moved to our district by the landlords while they remodel the other place. This is considered an upgrade by many.

Nabal comes in and says its too much trouble to find a new place, and since the girl has two more years (one can see how much interest he has in the family...) she'll do just fine in our schools. This is the school system I pulled her out of because they stuck her in slow remedial classes because that's what they do to any kid with a disability. 

It's all about the difference between boys and girls. The boy, who has no disability and super smart, wanted to move. Nabal moved heaven and earth to make it happen. Now that the girl child is in a place she needs to be, and is super smart also by the way, it's way to much trouble. 

Yes, with Nabal women are not anyway near as important.