Thursday Night

Drunk again but wanting to talk. Well... It swung between everything being my fault and him being the victim... Of everything imaginable. No school, me, circumstance. He asked me if I was really willing to throw away 18 years of marriage because of 2 bad years. Yes. It hasn't been 18 great years either. I reminded him of the things he has done through the years that have been abusive and crazy making. Knowing all the while that I was wasting my breath on a drunk. There was just no way of getting out of it. When I questioned him about the women and all the silence and bad attitude and dirty looks. Leaving the kids in the house alone while he sat and drank in the truck out front for hours. He had the damn nerve to say I brought those things up to hurt him. Hurt him. Hell, didn't he think that it all hurt me while he was doing it? Claims he never did anything hateful to me because I've always been his prize, his most valued wife. (Get out the hip boots.) Said yes I may have said all that, but how about all the things I have been saying to you lately. They don't wipe all that out? I want to buy a big house so I have something to leave my kids. So they can think back on me with respect. I honestly told him that you have said so much for so long, yet you decide to change your mind and I'm supposed to turn on a dime and be happy because you decided. What if you change your mind again. I told him he could go to TX and be with Isela. He tells me she is married. I told him that hadn't stopped him from doing any of what they had been talking about and planning. He got honest and said they had been boyfriend and girlfriend. Well, duh. I told him to go. They had would be happy together.

He accused the family of not supporting him. Said he was trying to get the church for us. What? Sounds like he was buying a business... I wouldn't support him. He was trying to be good. Be perfect. He really wants to be a pastor. I guess with the example of pastors he has had paraded before him he's as good a candidate as any. Most of the hispanic pastors he has had contact with have been abusers of one ilk or another. He is the good boy in all of them. I have read on other sites where people discuss the actions of alcoholics and they all have the same defense. They are trying to be perfect... Accusing us of demanding it. Said he had a guy he works for who drinks and he came out to the job with his wife and grown kids. All were smiling. Why oh why can't he have a family like that. Why are we not supportive, always angry?

But best of all, he brought up ending this mess of a marriage. Of course it's me throwing away 18 years... Not him having thrown them away. He denied any sexual misconduct. Then did the, ok, well lets say I did scenario thing. Yadda, yadda, yadda. I finally told him that for years he has threatened to leave and these last times I just finally believed him. I have heard him say things when he thought I was asleep. These times were in the morning, he was drinking coffee and wasn't actively drinking, so I know he was speaking what he really wanted. They were always about leaving. This is where he said I keep bringing this up to hurt him... Such the victim.

As I was finishing up and since we were talking I had a pang of feelings for him I said, "You know you really should ease up on the drinking, It's going to make you sick." He goes into this long well, I've tried stopping drinking and smoking before and it changes my face and my mind. He starts stumbling words. I thought he was talking about withdrawals. Told him there was medicine for that. Then he goes on, "It changes my face and all the ladies like it. They come up to me wanting to talk. If I stop drinking all the ladies will follow me." I was too through! I did not laugh. I was an adult. I was just thinking about all the kids told me of his flirting throughout the years.

Just as I thought; he took a shower then comes into the kitchen looking like he he is so happy we had a talk and got everything straightened out. Then wants a kiss... He is trying the poor little boy tactic this time. So, everything- wasted breath as I was thinking in the middle of the conversation.

Thursday

Nabal's work has come back. He got paid yesterday and 'splurged' Had a couple of 40s and a 6 pack. He was wasted last night, but amazingly didn't utter one malicious word. He stumbles in with the computer. He wanted me to do everything for him including going up and down page. He knows how to do that, it's just him trying to get me to wait on him. He said I was mad at him that's why I wouldn't work the computer for him. Alanon says, "Don't do anything for someone that they can do perfectly well for themselves." It's a ploy to make everyone responsible for them... Then he goes into victim mode. "You don't want Poppy no more?" He is conveniently forgetting all the crap he has put us through... Always someone else's fault. He's back to talking like a child in his little kid voice... There is still a place that wants to feel sorry for him, but I know it is all a show. All targeted at pulling me back on the merry-go-round. He is now the jovial drunk. What happened to the damn nasty drunk and his excuse that drunk people do that and he isn't responsible for his actions.

The computer search was for houses... he's looking up $300,000 houses... We owe everybody in the world. Again he's going to spend all his money before he gets it. Then when something happens like it all goes to bills he's gonna be depressed. He is even talking about million dollar farms... This is why we never have any money. I'm going to, as soon as the money hits the bank, pay everything I can and get us up to date. He sees and counts all the money coming in as there for him to spend on crap. Never takes into consideration bills, insurance, taxes and living expenses like clothes and food. I heard him talking to someone about buying a new truck... Nothing ever gets put away. He has good ideas, sometimes, but those are always lost through poor money planning.

So the basement flooded because the grass for the last 2 years has been cut by drunk folks. the drains had overgrown with dirt and grass and were plugged up. Got it all undone now were good. So last night he starts to lecture me about what we need to keep in mind. We need to keep our minds on the house and the drains. In the winter we need to... blah blah blah. I always have cut the grass because he pitched and moaned about being tired. Our boy was cutting it until Nabal broke the mower. He's got the instructing voice going like I am not paying attention to my house. Hell the other day I went out into the yard and looked around. All kinds of crap all over the place. Old cars, old household appliances that didn't come from our house. All our patio things broken food and dirty plates left out. Just junk. I haven't set foot in the back in 2 years except to cut my plants back. Gosh it looks like no one with home training lives here. It is starting to look like the inside. I'm starting to think I have help in keeping the house all jacked up. I clean and within a day or 2 it's all gone to hell again. I'm beginning to think it's part of the confusion that is running rampant here. I'm going to try and get my mower fixed so I can keep the yard decent. It looks like a drunk lives here.

Wednesday

Almost forgot to write this gem. Nabal comes in and looks at me very sad, hangs his head and shakes it. Dejected. "You know, it depresses me to come here every day and find you mad." I'm sure he kept talking but that little voice in my head was screaming. You're depressed? You are depressed!? How depressed the year I came home to a drunk who stared me dagerrs, left a 14 year old girl alone for 5 hrs while he sat outside in his truck drinking for 6 hrs straight. Who urinated in the back yard not wanting to come in the house? Who left a child alone with her brother after surgery, then lied about being home. Who texted and sexted so much his buttons on the phone stopped working? Now you want me to be or feel sorry you are depressed that I'm mad?! You pretend to have no idea why I'm angry. Hey? You're trying to tell me how I should feel. You constantly ask are you mad? Why? Because I have cooled to you. You cheat unrepentant. You blame me for all and any of the crap you have acted out these last 3+ years. That is when you are not blaming the contractor for not giving you a job you bid on and foolishly decided to spend money you didn't have in your hands. Funny thing is I really am not mad. I'm disgusted. I am mad for our children's sake. I'm mad that I stayed so long. I'm mad that I can't get myself together fast enough. I'm not mad perse, at you. I've just decided that I'm not getting sucked in again. I'm not going another round, another cycle. You will not be happy when you realize that. You will rebel at not getting your way. I expect you'll head out to TX as soon as you tire of terrorizing me/us. You decided that we were over, you changed your mind, but you did not count on me not changing my mind on que. I no longer do anything on que. You play the victim now. Probably thinking I miss money. Think! Get your eyes off yourself and think. Have I ever been anything but gracious whenever we have been poor? I know, you've never noticed.

Covert Emotional Abuse

So... now to figure out where this ends and alcoholism begins. Maybe he is a victim of his own devices. Maybe he never intended to get hooked on the alcohol. Maybe it was another arrow aimed at me. Maybe that's the problem with blame. What did we say as children, "When you point at someone else there are three pointing back at you." I am seeing that it is not just alcoholism. That is only the tip of the iceberg. My Nabal is a control freak, he is a subtle, sly, cowardly thief of life force. I'm getting such a better picture of what exactly has been going on. The amnesia and fog is lifting. the more I think and try to reconcile what has been for 18 years the clearer my sight is. They say abusers are much nicer to other people than to their families. He will sit in a hospital with faceless strangers, yet when his own daughter has surgery he gets drunk, leaves and tells our boy to take care of her. When he figured out I was mad at him because of the drinking, womanizing the spewing hatred, His reply was you don't love me anymore because of how I look, because I don't speak English as good as you do... Well, don't let those chickens roost! He does something wrong and then blames my being hurt and annoyed on MY shallowness! W-T-F!!!

He told me he was going to leave, because he thought it would hurt me yet again. When I finally got over that and agreed... Now he's staying, because he thinks it is hurting me... I did think it was an easy out. He was done, he was leaving for another woman. Yeah, I should have had forethought to act hurt. But I don't lie about that sort of stuff. He was waiting to be begged back anyway. This is why I'm so mad about him deciding to stay after all. I saw his ass skipping merrily down the road thinking he was leaving me a pile of mush. Fine, I really didn't care what he thought as long as he was gone. Now I'm not backing down. I can't back down. If I back down I'll be dead to me. If I back down I'll be just as cowardly as he is and doom my kids to a lifetime of being jerked around by him. I am scared. I fear. I don't think he will let go so nicely. I think he will be a nasty piece of work. I think he will do some nasty things and use the alcohol as a cloak to excuse his rotten behavior just like he did when he went on his bender. That was all a crock of $h*t! If he has no control over his actions when he is drunk why is he now the most amiable drunk? He is always doing things, smiling, putting me in the position of not reacting to his advances. I have decided I am not acting childish, he is treating me as if I am being childish. Another game of his making. He is being the over friendly one and I'm still pouting. I am not pouting, I am full on mad. Angry that I have let this jerk steer our lives for so ling. 10 or so years ago I was ready to walk. He had threatened to leave for stupid stuff one to many times. I threw myself into my marriage because I let myself believe that is was my problems that wee standing in the way. This is a different day. When I stopped fighting for our marriage and started fighting for the health of our family things started to clear up. It began to come clear that we are all human and can contribute, but he was trying to be the puppeteer. He was setting us up, dictating emotions and lying. Hard to see how I let all this happen. I was fairly strong. Maybe it was in the trying to tone some of the strength down, live give and take that I went too far. I'll take my blame. I should have never married Nabal. No one made me. Ladies don't believe all that set in your ways crap. I thought I was single for so long that I had to compromise. Everyone does, I went too far. One thing I always noticed was that my mom and her sisters never seemed to compromise at all. I was trying to and just went way too far.

Now, my cowardly voice is trying to find a way to get him to leave, but I know that's near on impossible since I can't find my way to act like I've fallen back in line. The best way for me to make him go is to have him think he can hurt me again. Ain't that much pretend in the worls! I just know if he leaves there will be so much less drama. I could pretend to be sad, but would be scared he might see that as an invite to start all over again. Looks like I'll just have to put on my big girl panties and buck up.

Critical Mass

So, as I read things are beginning to crystalize. I'd noticed that no matter how drunk Nabal can control his base actions. He used drunkeness as an excuse for his nasty treatment but now, once I started detaching and stopped reacting he is now acting the helpless lovable victim. In writing on abuse they mention that every drunk is NOT abusive nor is every abuser of people an abuser of substances. An abuser who is in recovery from alcohol is a sober abuser. Like my critique on churches that focus on the sin not the sinner. Harang an alcoholic or smoker to cease their sin yet not go the step further to administer the gospel of love and you have a sober sinner. Back to my thought train. So, I'm thinking back on the 'sober' years. There was always the manipulation the threats to leave, the other stuff that emotional abusers do. It was so subtle and I was so dang trusting. Well or was just used to manipulation. Probably why the drinking I could put up with and why I could never guess what went on with our son. It is the abuse, when it came out of the hiding into the full light of day and I saw it for what it was that I was done. He had become over confident and I guess lost his mind. Trying to prove to me how much abuse I would put up with but he didn't count on my not putting up with it. He had slowly encroached my boundaries, but he crossed the firm ones. I was still strong enough to say no, stop here. Drinking is a disease, abuse is unforgivable. Now he's looking for my price to stay. He can't understand that I don't have a price. He has been projecting his greedy domineering mother on me for years. He is playing the victim he was to her trying to get me to relent like she would. Problem is I don't appreciate groveling like she did. I take no pleasure in it.

Crap Master

I can state emphatically that I will not miss any of this crap, or the crap master.

After Church

So, I get home. He's 3 sheets to the wind. Wants me to dial numbers for him. He can't see the numbers... Then when I'm doing it for him he's talking to me like I'm the one having a problem with phones. I had enough ass to ask him why did he bring the phone to me if he could do it. He was on his future planning kick again. Building houses, buying cars. He wants to buy yhe boy back home. Doesn't realize he's way beyond finding a price for anyone of us. Told me it depresses him to come home to me always mad. Hell, it depresses me to have him come home. He raised eyebrows when I mentioned the last 2 years. I don't know what you're talking about. Then says he's 'putting' me in charge of some taco stand he has envisioned. I told him no. Just no. He was taken aback. I asked him why he thought I had gone to school for a year? Passed my boards. Am waiting on my license. Then he says you never talk about what you are going to do. Damn straight! He tries to take over everything. I'm keeping him out of my business. He is manipulator extrodinair, but I figured his game out.

He comes up to me about an hour after I'm home and says what are we going to eat tonight? I had arroz con pollo done before I left for church. Our girl ate, I ate when I came in. We did none of this in secret. I told him he says oh, then waits to be served. He was stumbling as he walked. Now he's to my bliss, passed out on the sofa.

He is trying to get me involved in his church. Telling me their many problems and I'm not biting. I don't know most of the people and the biggest thing I don't know if he is telling the truth of making up stuff to draw me in emotionally. I just don't comment. Mostly because I don't care about that soap opera they have going on over there.

He's trying to seem so concilitory, so concerned, so the daddy who musttake care of the family. I'm getting better at this tho. I can catch when a compliment or concern is meant to make me feel insecure, I'll at ease, less than who I am. I just might pack him in a box and mail his ass to Borger, TX special delivery for Isela. Would be my best revenge. (:

He's trying to manipulate me, but I'm growing wise. I see it as soon as it leaves his lips these days.

Dead Inside

It just became clear to me that I am dead inside. It is the only way I can deal with an alcoholic this close. I have the sneaking suspicion that our girl is too. When I get some money I'm going to get both of us some counseling. I can remember years upon years ago being alive. I think it was this inner death that lead me to an alcoholic in the first place. I was numb to the warning signs. My tolerance for hurt was way to high. Don't go looking for love and understanding if you can't feel anything. You will wake one day. See the train wreck of your life and then prefer to be wholly dead.

Separation of Church and Phone

Our boy was trying to get in touch with Nabal tonight to borrow the truck because a coworker needed to move quickly. Nabal was at church and turned off his phone. He came in and I told him the boy was looking for him. "I always turn my phone off in church." I fought with myself so I would just shut up. But I did manage an incerdulous smile. "Why are you laughing? You don't believe me?" I looked him in the eye and said yes, I believe you. He is Mr. Pious now. His phone only answers and receives calls. Both of his screens are completely gone. I was having a hard time because I remembered how he constantly texted in church, any church. He would always text me so if anyone called him on it he could show them the text to me and he was hoping, from me. I saw him texting in church and read texts that were sent and received during. So, for him to state he 'always' turns his phone off in church... He is trying to erase the past. Just pretend it didn't happen. I'm not going back. Please God help me move forward.

Tuesday

So, looking at abuse. I relay what happened/s in Nabal and my relationship and people say it's abuse. On one level I have to agree, yet on another I find it hard to justify. Probably the amnesia again... He has never been physical. That I would never have stood for. I'm tall, I can handle myself and draw the line there. Which is probably why I have never had that type of problem. It is a hard boundary with me. Next. Emotional. I can remember that in the beginning he said something. I really do not remember probably accusing me of cheating. It always comes back to that. Calling into question for me, my morals. It makes me mad and I respond pretty indignantly. Once he told me, and you can see it stuck in my mind, "In my country we say that if someone is accused of something and they get mad, that means they are guilty." I can see this in a way. Let me explain. Liars do get defensive when found out. And, if I remember correctly it was not the first time I was accused, it was a constant innuendo which upset me. I got mad because he was implying that my word was false, that I was morally loose. It to me became insulting. I did find out later that his mother, who he revers, is that loose woman. She ran around, she left, she was being projected onto me. I should have been warned when he made the comment that American women are not as 'pure' Mexican women. We are loose because we don't live at home until we marry. We go out and live on our own, doing God knows what! Yet the more I dig into his culture the more I find a current that runs mainly underground of infidelity running rampant. The men are very insecure. I think the proverbial rolly polly mexican matron is a self defense against their husband's insecurities. There I am projecting my ways on them... I figured that if I became dowdy and yes chunky, I'd get a reprieve. No man looks at me. There! But no. I now realize that the insecurities are his, there is no amount of ugly that will satisfy that. There is nothing I can do that will placate his thoughts. He has driven himself to cheat by placing another person's misdeeds onto me. It is funny though, every man he has ever accused me of cheating with is someone I loath for whatever reason. In plain simple english, not my type. I have realized that who he saw me with before we got together was actually a person out of my norm. So he has built up a picture of my type. I guess I can be thankful of this because it has all this time kept me from taking all this to heart.

Emotional Abuse. He has never said anything about my weight, but 'lovingly' calls me elephante at odd times. It does hurt, because I was always thin before kids. Holidays, he always buys me clothes... They are always 3 sizes to big! Wow... My kids have helped him the last 2 years. He wonders why I dread gift giving times. Funny my mother did this too. I was rail thin then. I wonder if it is just that they don't really care enough to choose something that 'fits' the recipient.

He will speak nicely on the phone then walk in the door, I greet him lovingly and he goes off sneers, is mad, nothing pleases him. Used to believe that his blood sugar was low. And it was.

If hi knows anything personal about you he brings it to an argument. Even if it doesn't fit. Just to back you down. He will use said information in front of other people too.

I was once talking about something stupid his brother was doing and he said, "You can't talk to me in that tone. I am your husband. You need to show me respect." I looked at him like he was nuts. The kids were there.

He ridicules my friends, my church. He only likes when I'm friends with other Spanish people. Even if they are pretty loose.

Tax Day

I swore that I wasn't going to do this anymore. I told him to take everything to a tax preparer last year. He 'threatened' to take the paperwork to a 'Lil Lady' I told him fine. For years that has gotten me, the tone was like he would find someone to who could also take care of him. Yeah, about that, I don't care anymore. Didn't last year. So he has 'gotten the papers together' for 2 weeks. He misplaced things 'working' while he was drinking. Once I started on the paperwork he unloaded his truck of 2 years of receipts. He asked why he could not take the beer off. "I bought it for the guys..."

He is still blaming all his woes on the contractor that didn't give him a job. He was spending before he laid the first brick. I am not going to argue with him. We would just be speaking apples and oranges. He is looking for someone else to blame. It is just what alcoholics do, blame everyone, except themselves.

Timeline

I have come to realize that amnesia is a symptom of dealing with alcoholism, addiction, any type of abuse. It is so easy to get some distance and say, "Wellll, it wasn't that bad." or, "I'll give them another chance because this is so out of the blue." This is because the one who you are giving all these chances calculates and encourages the amnesia. They do their drama then skirt the edges. One day they enter and act 'normal' like nothing out of 'normal' ever happened. They lavish you with love. They are ready (sit down for this) to forgive you. You pushed them to whatever action it was, but they are down with the unconditional love and they will give you another chance. This may never be said in so many words, but it is the illusion they paint no matter what their medium. They throw open the proverbial open arms and accepting smile, beckoning you in, don't be ashamed. All is forgiven. We may be so happy it's all over we go with this. We may balk and ignore them. We may even argue our for our sanity and the insanity of their proposition. Their speech will slow, reasoning with a child. "Dredging up old hurts isn't going to help here. It's a new day." They cajole. "Come on, let's see a smile from my pretty/handsome. You've got to know I love you." They get mildly angry. "You always have to bring up all that stuff from the past. You are never satisfied." They lay low but keep trying to creep in the familiarity. They put themselves in situations that you 'have' to help them out of, knowing that this creates emotional investment. When enough time has elapsed they bring out the biggest gun of all. "It wasn't as bad as you are 'imagining' you always blow everything out of proportion." Angrily they begin, then make a lovely show of gaining control of themselves. (This shows for you baby.) The last step is them going on from there as if nothing happened, leaving you as the unreasonable one, the damaged one. Our choice: fall in line and let it go, or have faith in ourselves and believe what we believe and let them go. Ask God or Higher Power, whatever your choice, to bring to remembrance the reality of it all. To give you strength to keep proper perspective.

1) 2011- Drinks almost every day to maintain. Moved from 24oz to 40oz. Has to smoke pot to sleep. Wakes at 3 and can't go back to sleep every night so goes into the living room to look at Spanish TV.

2) 2010- My school. At the end of the year when he was pulling out of this cycle he was still sexting and asking for nude pics of Isela and maybe others, and sending pictures of his private parts. All while trying to sweet talk me. The rest of the year he was sitting in his truck every day drinking, texting and talking on his phone and to his drunk buddy next to him. All the while his children and more often just his daughter were sitting in the house for up to 5 hours by herself. He would slide in the house minutes before I arrived home.

3) 2009- 6 week binge, Hotel, sexting. Looked at some old scores of our daughter that were from public school. She was in the very bottom classes and in with every thug in out small town. He says she was passing. You should have left her in public school instead of wasting money. (by the time she left there after 2 years she had jumped 5 (yes 5) reading grades and understood math concepts. Wasted my a$$! His family is very good at telling you they are not that smart, while thinking they are the smartest on the planet. I have seen them tear one another down so they won't be the only at the bottom of the barrel. Cursed me out in front of our daughter, 'F' words and all. I think he threw in a 'B' too.

4) 2008- Our boy, who is exceptionally bright and talented had a very bad year in school and failed a class. It was a very difficult year at home with him also. He was an 8th grader, need I say more. I found a summer program at a local military school. He loved it so much and wanted to go. I saw this as an opportunity to 1) Get him away from AH and his influence, drinking example, and his violent way of handling the boy's teen behavior. 2) Separating him from my AH's brother, who not a drinker at all, was not a good example. He spoke good words, but his actions towards his family were angry and reflected their abusive upbringing. 3) To get my boy where he could see honor, honesty and integrity were not just a woman thing. Where he could see 'macho' men living honestly. Well, that backfired! Whole 'nother story. This leads me to know that the drinking and driving my son around happened before this time. 4) to remove son from eminent violence. Mark time.It was the year of the grand awakening... of me. AH had often reacted to son's hormonal rage with, "I want to take him in the back yard and fight him, just beat him up. He thinks he's so smart." I replied, "Number one that's illegal. Number two that's how you and your brothers kept each other in line because you had no adult to do it, but you were all a year or less apart. Now you are an adult and this is a child." His answer, "I don't care. He's my sone and I'll do what I please." I looked him in the eye and said, "I or the neighbors will call the police." His answer, "So what? He's my son, they can't stop me from disciplining my son." My answer, "I will kill you." Not the first time I uttered those words. But I hope they will be the last. Always the same topic too. AH also fought me on the school I was sending our daughter to because she needed more support in her disability. Complained that it was wasting money and there were cheaper schools. Told me he had been smoking pot for years to put up with me,,, I was shocked, he hid it well. I just happened to run into it while cleaning.

5) 2007- No detail stands out.

6) 2006- Devastating year caring for a terminally ill aunt. 9 months out of my life. She was a demanding person also. Manipulative to the point that before her illness I had cut her off from communication because of how she treated my children after my mother died. She was the 'baby' of the family... I don't remember what was going on around me to tell the truth, I just remember the feeling of not being particularly supported at home. I just reasoned that I was probably looking for some pie in the sky fantasy that really didn't exist.

7) 2005-My AH was fighting me about getting our daughter tested for learning disabilities. I was fighting the school on this, he never once went in with me. He called me f*ing stupid for wasting everyone's time. When they finally did test and find a very bright child with a big issue, he shook his head and gave me all accolades. He started asking in his family and found similar issues. It dawned on me at that time his family is very good at talking each other into failing, that it's alright to fail. Not so supportive in nudging someone to succeed. Nabal went to Mexico for Christmas, for the first time I realized I didn't miss him at all. In fact I cleaned up and was able to get work done at the house without him always needing me to stop and do something 'important' for him. I slept better, had more energy and accomplished things. Most of all I felt free. When he called to say he was extending his trip I was overjoyed and except for my son being with him really hoped he'd stay. Son told me of their trip upon his return: AH and his brother (who is a hard liquor drinker and Ah was drinking with him) almost got into a fist fight when they were both drunk. Son and AH's youngest brother stopped it. Son and youngest brother had to clean the bathroom because AH threw up all over it and they knew that it was wrong to have the drunk brother's wife clean it up. AH didn't mention it to them they just happened to stumble upon it... I told son I was sorry he had to do that, especially for his father.

8) 2004- We sold a house and were celebrating a windfall profit. Out of nowhere AH asks me if I would take 1/2 the money and go. Leaving the kids, because he knew I would rather be alone. This, for me, came out of nowhere. It made me so sad. It was he that was never around. Always working or with his buddies. The drinking was light and confined to weekends. I never connected the two things. After I said no he went on with the celebration like nothing happened, and so did I. All the while wondering what I had done to convey this, and how I could rectify that. Years before I had contemplated leaving because of repeated threats of leaving by him, and accusations of me having affairs. I threw myself into my marriage. With all honesty I didn't want the embarrassment of divorce. Long story I always painted a perfect picture of him to my family, trouble was supposed to stay in our 4 walls wasn't it?

9) 2003- Drinking and accusing me of having an affair when I was actually teaching children during an adult bible study. Said someone had come up to him on the street and told him this. In fact the affair was supposedly with one of the church janitors.

Wednesday

He is drinking something that smells just like vanilla, or he is using something to kill the weed smoke smell.

Last night he was so weird. He comes in and asks if I ever thought of gathering a lot of people together and making them do what you want. You know like if they don't have papers. I truly believe he had a conversation in his head and I came in on the middle of it. I told him I had no idea what he was talking about. He looks up and smiles like I'm slow. Then says like make food and sell it from carts or planting things and selling them. "You know lead people. If you are a good leader people will follow. It's good for both of you." I still was lost. I was wondering at first is he was trying to stick his nose in my business, which he knows nothing about. This is the problem we have right now. His workers all these years have been illegals and how do you account for their pay. I hate it! So I told him that people who work farms have visas. Then he goes on about having land with a lot of little houses where they could live. Can you say plantation? After he went on for a while I told him that if that was his idea he was welcomed to it and carrying it out. He looks at me and says, "You don't want to be my friend anymore?" Where the hell did that come from? Is he 10? He's trying to play the poor little boy now. No one likes me, no one wants to be my friend because they won't play my game. It was all his opening to try to make me feel bad and pull me in. He dropped the conversation about his 'idea' and started zeroing in on his 'wants'. In mid sentence he passed out. Lucky me! Trouble is I'm never sure what he remembers and what he doesn't.

Did I mention that for the last 3-4 weeks he has some sort of brown patchy rash that itches when he puts aloe on it. But that does make it go away some. He tried to say it was flea bites, but these are large brown patches only on his legs. On close inspection there are red pin points in them. Looking it up it could be a sign of liver damage. I told him to go to the doctors. He has never had anything like this before. Of course he refuses to go see about it.

Tuesday

So finally convinced Nabal to take the tax stuff to a preparer. He very nicely asked me where I moved all the tax papers to. I haven't touched a thing. He's running around saying thatsomeone moved them. Not a soul touched them here. Then he says you moved them when you put this here, as he waved a piece of paper I had never seen. It finally clicked. He was working on all that when he was drunk the other night. He moved everything around and doesn't remember any of it...

Monday

Why oh why does Nabal wear sooooo much aftershave? I and our girl can taste it when we breath and it is just sickning. It's not that it smells bad. It's just way too much.

While we are on it. Why is he really turning up the heat on pretending there is nothing wrong and nothing bad has happened between us.

Sunday

So, what posses a 14 year old girl to think she is leaving the house at 11 PM to go 4 wheeling with her beau? I have that in one ear and a drunk in the other trying to talk about how to deal with church matters... So through, so through. That's when he was laughing at her and teasing because she was mad. Well, I suppose this is just normal. I just have to push ahead before the insanity gets any further.

Friday

Nabalisms: Sometime towards the end of last year Nabal's phone broke. The ultra heavyduty construction model. He was mad and I forget what exactly happened. The store gave him the insurance information. When he found out that there was a $50 co-pay type thing. He got soooo mad. He wasn't going to pay! After all what was insurance for! So... He gets a loaner phone and has had it for months. Now it's trashed too. Friend gave him a phone that wouldn't work. Now he decides to call the insurance. Was hinting at me to call. When I didn't immedietly stop what I was in the middle of he called himself. Said he'd called before and they kept him on hold. I usually put those things through online. Told him I'd do that. Well the call went through. Spanish line (see he could do it his own self) I could hear his voice getting a shade of annoyance. He isn't elligable because it has to be done within 60 days... He hangs up and poor puss... "I guess I have to buy a phone now when I get some money. Next year." He caused this. We tried to talk him into doing the insurance. I was going to do it at the time. He refused. I'm wondering if he also has to pay for the loaner now...

Another in the series of how drunks cost money and piss it away. He always looks at my phone and it is nice, but it was free and I protectit at all costs. He has to keep his in his pocket and they are always getting smashed.

Many depressions are caused by learned helplessness. I'm beginning to notice that what at first seemed like an ability to take charge is just self-enabled helplessness by getting someone else to do things they don't want to. If I would have called today I would have been in the middle of all this and this somehow would have been something I did or said. So he stormed off in his truck...

Tonight a drunk Nabal laughed and called to our girl as she walked through the house. The thing is she was very mad. Normal teen mad, but how much worse when your own father is laughing and finds humor because the child won't answer. I'll be damned if another child leaves because of this crazy existence! I've got to fight my way out. Focus better.

Monday

And this is how drunks waste money. I purchased a very nice Craftsman lawn mower 2 or 3 years ago. It was on sale, a really woppin' sale. Half way through the summer Mr. Slushy runs over stones and bricks twice. (never let drunks mow grass. They find crap to hit.) So he has always said it broke because it's cheap. So we are broke as hell, but instead of getting the 'new' one fixed he went to Wally World and buys a little piece of junk for $150. I am just so f***ing out done. He said he didn't want to deal with the broken one. Translation he doesn't want to deal with anything that happens when he's drinking. Last year his bright idea was to buy one at the second hand store for $40. All this not to have to admit fault for anything. I don't nag. I don't care anymore. He can take his junk with him when he leaves!