And so the games begin... Nabal is in super pretend mode now. Still holding onto the illusion that I shouldn't be upset. I'm now faulting him for his "Hitting a rough patch." he thinks that he can laugh a condescending laugh and tickle me under my chin and the 'mood' will pass. I say I don't trust him, he laughs. I say something about the women he gets mad. Like I did something wrong! The laugh though gets me the most. Like when a kid is angry and you find out the reason which is baseless. He keeps asking why I'm so 'nojadita' 'little mad,' not a valid angry. Wonder when he's going to realize that cojoeling isn't going to work this time. Too long, too much. I'm so over all of this. I really wonder if he doesn't realize that more than 2 whole years went by with him on a continual drunk. Not to mention the 2 year spiral before. I have to give him an award, he plays the best innocent. He just forges ahead. He really is not seeing that I'm not in this anymore. He refuses to see. Now painting me as the heartless one. Guess he is right in a way. I'm numb. I'm over it. What gets me all fired up is his now denial that anything should be wrong. Yesterday I was so angry because he was trying to get me to make plans to buy a new house. I told him do what he wants and to not include me. After all the talk he comes to hug me saying, "if you feel like that I'm sorry, for what I did. Give me a kiss." what! Then he keeps trying to hug and kiss me. Trying to wear me down. I'm not 5! And this is serious! I can see he's trying to play on boyish charm. Poor twisted man, either that or too many Spanish soap operas.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Tuesday
Had a death in the family. I was on the phone with my cousin and Nabal comes and asks who I'm on the phone with. Fine, eventhough I rarely am on the phone. So, he's leaving for church and is trying to talk to me. Trying to get my attention. He says something dirty and walks out laughing. Back in the day when we were still one big happy fam. When I was on the phone he would always follow me around and try to touch me in intimate ways. The things that make you make sudden noises. One thing that truly annoyed me. I would have to go hide to be able to talk to family. He always thought that was the funniest thing. And it was never once and done. He would try everything until I'd get mad at him. Then he'd go away laughing. And that was when I paid attention to him. Guess I should have wondered about that a long time ago... Always has to have the attention, with an audience.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Just Weird
So for years Nabal has hated 'Law and Order CI' character Det. Robetr Goren. He will stand in front of the TV and sya, " He thinks he's so smart. He's always gotta know everything." I know lots of people dislike television characters, but it's just the reasons. He hates that the man is smart and I'm betting appears to be emotionally weak. It's the same way he hates everyone who is smart. Well... that is everyone except the Spanish smart guys who hold their intellegence over all their fellow people like they are better because of it. And I do know a few of these types. They look down their noses at everyone else and cut anyone down who dares disagree with them. What gets me is these guys... he looks up to. These guys he defends and hangs on their every word. Plays right into their egos.
Monday
I don't understand how Nabal stands in the midst of everything falling apart and says, "I don't understand why our boy is acting this way.", "I don't understand why you act like you are mad at me." Such innocence in his voice and exasperation on his face. If I didn't know better...
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Still Saturday
Hate when I start having a conversation and don't realize until I'm committed to it that Nabal is drunk. He starts alluding that it's probably my fault that everything is crazy in our family. I don't like the way he says words, the way he looks. Doesn't that infer that I'm pretty shallow and that's the problem... I stopped him and said, "How about the way you act?" For the first of five times he began on his litney... "I wish I could be prefect! I wish I could do everything right like you want!" Perfect? So he's implying what? That his behavior is just this side of perfect and that is what I'm accusing him of? Not being perfect? I'm being over critical and demanding? Then he talks about praying and that God wants us (yes us) to be pastors of his church... And our children to help. He's drunk! Drunk!! Then says there isn't another church where he would feel comfortable. I guess not after he showed off in front of the church guys at the lake job last summer. I think everyone in town knows about him except the rightious in his church who disdain talking to sinners. I really wish I was done. I will be so happy to get my license and can make money for myself. Pay all the debt and send him off with money.
Funny, today he asked if we could move to Texas... Said his brother told him there was plenty of work. I'm betting it wouldn't take long for him to get up to Borger and be with his Isela. Why he wants to drag us all out there is beyond me. I'd bet real money if we moved there he'd be dead in 6 months. Either he and his brother would drink themselves to death or he would go into Juarez and get himself blown away because of his mouth. My son has been exposed to enough macho crap to last a life time... No thanks.
Just hit me. He doesn't want to leave his church. Yet if we move to Texas... He would have to leave it. I think the only thing here is pride. He has said that he could build the church. He forgot to consult God maybe. I think he is done, but doesn't want to admit defeat. People would talk. He thinks make fun of him. Pride. Now who else got into trouble because of that....
Funny, today he asked if we could move to Texas... Said his brother told him there was plenty of work. I'm betting it wouldn't take long for him to get up to Borger and be with his Isela. Why he wants to drag us all out there is beyond me. I'd bet real money if we moved there he'd be dead in 6 months. Either he and his brother would drink themselves to death or he would go into Juarez and get himself blown away because of his mouth. My son has been exposed to enough macho crap to last a life time... No thanks.
Just hit me. He doesn't want to leave his church. Yet if we move to Texas... He would have to leave it. I think the only thing here is pride. He has said that he could build the church. He forgot to consult God maybe. I think he is done, but doesn't want to admit defeat. People would talk. He thinks make fun of him. Pride. Now who else got into trouble because of that....
Saturday
It is truly a sad day when you realize with all your heart that there is no turning back. When you realize that the addict has wrung everything out of you that there was for them. Every last bit of likability, patience, and respect. What is left is pity and the love that is there for any fellow human going through such a plight. The detachment, the distance, the numbness all a way of protecting our hearts, our self, our very core that makes living possible. So pitiful when they realize they have gone too far. They have shown their hand much too clearly and you refuse to play the game and pretend to forget anymore. They will make any amends. Ah yes, but how long would that last. All the other times they been able to keep in the shadows of our realization. It is this time that we realize that what we have seem clearly, what we have heard plainly is a cross roads. They know we have seen clearly and if we continue it will be a voluntary action. If we participate once again in the game we will lose what dignity there is left. The addict will, in the heat of the game look upon us with disgust. We all know the score no mater where in the game we stand. They saw the flash of realization in our eyes. They saw the bowing of the head as we submit to yet another chance given. They have won a victory of sorts, and when they are once again at the top of their high, will look down on us. Curs under foot. What we have seen as a strength in standing with them, they see as a weakness of compliance.This time I choose to opt out of the game. I refuse to play my part. Long ago there was a semblance of asking forgiveness, now only waiting putting forth no effort to elicit pardon. It is expected. He acts out a play alone. No answering dialogue from on stage or off. The production has closed. The other actors have all gone on, back to their lives. The audience, left when the lights went up and all was exposed as cardboard props and emotion drawn on with opaque makeup. The cleaning crew is sweeping and the lights on the marquee will go out forever on this tragedy, farce, black comedy.
Self respect. I must either own it or give it up. Trust is gone. I see from a distance now. I see motives behind words and actions. I saw when bullying didn't work, when false accusation didn't budge me. Now he is the happy smiling one. Always a look of wonder on his face, an innocent question on his lips. Why are you mad at me dear? I would want to know why if I repeatedly told someone, "I love you." yet only got a blank stare or a look of disbelief. Yet he never questions. I am in transition, we are broke. I will work to get us back solvent then make an end of it. I told him my trust is broken when it comes to him and he has made no effort to rebuild it. He only passed it off as 'things that happen while drunk' thus liberating him from any responsibility to deal with it. I believe he boils just below the surface. If pressed for an answer he says everything is my doing, my fault. He admits no bad behavior. None. Maybe he is the only one who still believes his lies. I don't understand, and to be truthful I don't care to try. He spent 2 years chasing skirts and asking women to take photos of bare breasts for his entertainment. I'm pretty sure he can find someone younger and better looking. Best of luck to him.
Self respect. I must either own it or give it up. Trust is gone. I see from a distance now. I see motives behind words and actions. I saw when bullying didn't work, when false accusation didn't budge me. Now he is the happy smiling one. Always a look of wonder on his face, an innocent question on his lips. Why are you mad at me dear? I would want to know why if I repeatedly told someone, "I love you." yet only got a blank stare or a look of disbelief. Yet he never questions. I am in transition, we are broke. I will work to get us back solvent then make an end of it. I told him my trust is broken when it comes to him and he has made no effort to rebuild it. He only passed it off as 'things that happen while drunk' thus liberating him from any responsibility to deal with it. I believe he boils just below the surface. If pressed for an answer he says everything is my doing, my fault. He admits no bad behavior. None. Maybe he is the only one who still believes his lies. I don't understand, and to be truthful I don't care to try. He spent 2 years chasing skirts and asking women to take photos of bare breasts for his entertainment. I'm pretty sure he can find someone younger and better looking. Best of luck to him.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Wednesday
So found out very sad news yesterday. A friend who also lives with an addict found out that her addict husband had been giving their 14 year old son alcohol, cigarettes and drugs. She is done... finally. I hope. When the news got to our house Nabal's reaction was, "That guy is stupid. What was he thinking? Why did she stay with him so long? He doesn't like to work." I couldn't believe his reaction. I told Nabal that it didn't matter if he was a billionaire. Giving all that to a 14 year old was the end. Nabal started to rant about everything. I said well what about you? You smoke your dope in front of our boy. He said, "Well I never gave him any. You smoke cigarettes in front of the kids. So you are the same." I told him the last time I checked cigarettes while not a good thing were not illegal." Nabal- "I'm a bad man. I wish I could be an angel."
His sights are set too high. Just a decent human being would suffice. He's locked into a doctrine that says you have to be perfect. They all go to church and try to look perfect to one another. When you fall from the pedestal... Putting on the perfection face s a form of lying; to yourself and others. All have sinned. Paul fought against the flesh until the end. This doctrine that 'true' Christians will be perfect on this earth is dooming people. Any fall into humanity is seen as you not being a Christian. Their judgments are either quick and severe, or brushed over. All depending what another's weakness is or if the facade is breached. True Christianity says we must keep short dealings with our sins, be concerned when we are pulled of course by sins. Nowhere does it say we will not be plagued by some sort of sin. The act of thinking ourselves sinless and superior in itself is a sin. Oh poor humans...
Nabal is in the stage of pretending nothing happened. He is expecting a pass because he was drinking and drugging. Funny, he has moved on and doesn't want forgiveness- he wants forgetfulness. I do wonder how long he can keep it up. He is showing signs of loosing patience with my not letting amnesia take over. Spring is almost here. Our rental property has an interested buyer and I'll bet that he takes the money and leaves. He so callously offered me the money the last time we sold a house. Made me feel so awful, and unwanted. What part of me made him think I was a gold digger? How twisted we can become in our inner dialogue... It still causes a twinge of pain when I think about it. Why? Because it didn't come out of an argument or dispute. It was having the rug pulled out from under me on a day of celebration. It was meant to wound at a very deep level, and it did. I either would or would not play into his life scenario all these years, but now it is all becoming self fulfilling. I have finally become numb. I still have flashes but they are coupled with forgetting and pity. Does he know he is pushing all away? I feel so sorry for him, but I can't throw myself or the kids under the bus to keep him from hurting. He comes off so helpless. We have come to a twisted relationship where he wants me to take on the role of mother. He's said so much. While having all the benefits of a wife. Which hasn't happened in months. That I feel like he goes out and does what he wants and when all that either gets boring or doesn't pan out, then I'm supposed to put out to make him feel better. I worry about STD's even though he 'swears' he has never done anything. Could be true, could be just like everything else he lies about. I don't see it as anything loving between us any longer- just a sigh of power and control for him. He defiantly refuses to see that there is any problem.
When he has money he very quietly drinks 2-3 40 oz's and goes to sleep. He really can not sleep on his own anymore. He'll go off and smoke himself a bowl. No more Mr. Nasty. He can so control what he does when he is drunk, if he couldn't then he would be the same all the time or close to it. Him trying to use drunkenness as an excuse for his behavior is nullified by his own actions when he realizes he has gone too far with me. Now he mostly sits around looking like the poor misunderstood boy. Wide eyed and innocent. He's starting to remind me of Claudia from 'Interview With A Vampire" using the sweet innocence to lure victims close enough to go in for a heartless kill. His mother 'turned' him when he was a small boy and the results are the same. She created, out of their necessity to survive her cruelty, waifs looking for love but never able to accept it. All the years I threw into 'proving' he was loved and I cared, and he could never bring himself to believe it was true. I'm pretty sure that's what caused everything. Also because I was upset at his actions related to his binge drinking 3-4 years ago. The driving the kids while drinking; he saw as disapproval of him, as not loving him. I wasn't harsh. It is seeing any disapproval as rejection that is at the core. Also he wants everything in my (our) world to revolve around what he chooses. Only Spanish. He doesn't outwardly disapprove, he uses outlandish criticism to do that job. Everything else is stupid, foolish, something is wrong with everything. That is unless it is something he wants. That usually involves him with his friends. He never took our boy fishing or to a park to play. He would rather go with his friends and fish or play. Could never take the boy because the friends were drunks... Then said the boy never wanted to spend time with him. Always woe is me... Never had time to celebrate the kid's birthdays. Never had time to go to games- he only liked looking at professional games. Never had time to go to any of their school functions- they were boring. We were always expected to go to his things whether bored or not, interested or not. Could not quite understand how we could not be having the time of our lives. He was... We all just got tired of pretending. He never tried to pretend for us...
The latest from 'his' church is that Nabal's previous pastor who stepped down for various reasons: First the church was failing. Then his wife accused him, and probably rightly, of abuse; is asking Nabal's help to get the new pastor to leave or be put out. Wow. Just floored me. Nabal evidently forgot his thoughts on the previous pastor. Now he says the guy is 'preaching good.' WHAT!! I feel for them if this new man was sent here by God to do a work and those two try to stop it... Nabal does not like the man because he has made decisions without consulting Nabal... I can see all this not ending well at all. I'm seeing this gentleman going off and starting his own church, and it will probably thrive. I can not understand what the attachment for Nabal is. It's like there is some personal thing going on to prove a point. Nabal knows they need to leave the denomination they are currently under. They want to get a following and start a new church, but they want to keep the name of their current church without the denominational name attached. Why? I heard others in the past voice this same care. They could care less about doctrine or anything else as long as they could keep the same name. Something fishy going on here and I can't put my finger on it.
His sights are set too high. Just a decent human being would suffice. He's locked into a doctrine that says you have to be perfect. They all go to church and try to look perfect to one another. When you fall from the pedestal... Putting on the perfection face s a form of lying; to yourself and others. All have sinned. Paul fought against the flesh until the end. This doctrine that 'true' Christians will be perfect on this earth is dooming people. Any fall into humanity is seen as you not being a Christian. Their judgments are either quick and severe, or brushed over. All depending what another's weakness is or if the facade is breached. True Christianity says we must keep short dealings with our sins, be concerned when we are pulled of course by sins. Nowhere does it say we will not be plagued by some sort of sin. The act of thinking ourselves sinless and superior in itself is a sin. Oh poor humans...
Nabal is in the stage of pretending nothing happened. He is expecting a pass because he was drinking and drugging. Funny, he has moved on and doesn't want forgiveness- he wants forgetfulness. I do wonder how long he can keep it up. He is showing signs of loosing patience with my not letting amnesia take over. Spring is almost here. Our rental property has an interested buyer and I'll bet that he takes the money and leaves. He so callously offered me the money the last time we sold a house. Made me feel so awful, and unwanted. What part of me made him think I was a gold digger? How twisted we can become in our inner dialogue... It still causes a twinge of pain when I think about it. Why? Because it didn't come out of an argument or dispute. It was having the rug pulled out from under me on a day of celebration. It was meant to wound at a very deep level, and it did. I either would or would not play into his life scenario all these years, but now it is all becoming self fulfilling. I have finally become numb. I still have flashes but they are coupled with forgetting and pity. Does he know he is pushing all away? I feel so sorry for him, but I can't throw myself or the kids under the bus to keep him from hurting. He comes off so helpless. We have come to a twisted relationship where he wants me to take on the role of mother. He's said so much. While having all the benefits of a wife. Which hasn't happened in months. That I feel like he goes out and does what he wants and when all that either gets boring or doesn't pan out, then I'm supposed to put out to make him feel better. I worry about STD's even though he 'swears' he has never done anything. Could be true, could be just like everything else he lies about. I don't see it as anything loving between us any longer- just a sigh of power and control for him. He defiantly refuses to see that there is any problem.
When he has money he very quietly drinks 2-3 40 oz's and goes to sleep. He really can not sleep on his own anymore. He'll go off and smoke himself a bowl. No more Mr. Nasty. He can so control what he does when he is drunk, if he couldn't then he would be the same all the time or close to it. Him trying to use drunkenness as an excuse for his behavior is nullified by his own actions when he realizes he has gone too far with me. Now he mostly sits around looking like the poor misunderstood boy. Wide eyed and innocent. He's starting to remind me of Claudia from 'Interview With A Vampire" using the sweet innocence to lure victims close enough to go in for a heartless kill. His mother 'turned' him when he was a small boy and the results are the same. She created, out of their necessity to survive her cruelty, waifs looking for love but never able to accept it. All the years I threw into 'proving' he was loved and I cared, and he could never bring himself to believe it was true. I'm pretty sure that's what caused everything. Also because I was upset at his actions related to his binge drinking 3-4 years ago. The driving the kids while drinking; he saw as disapproval of him, as not loving him. I wasn't harsh. It is seeing any disapproval as rejection that is at the core. Also he wants everything in my (our) world to revolve around what he chooses. Only Spanish. He doesn't outwardly disapprove, he uses outlandish criticism to do that job. Everything else is stupid, foolish, something is wrong with everything. That is unless it is something he wants. That usually involves him with his friends. He never took our boy fishing or to a park to play. He would rather go with his friends and fish or play. Could never take the boy because the friends were drunks... Then said the boy never wanted to spend time with him. Always woe is me... Never had time to celebrate the kid's birthdays. Never had time to go to games- he only liked looking at professional games. Never had time to go to any of their school functions- they were boring. We were always expected to go to his things whether bored or not, interested or not. Could not quite understand how we could not be having the time of our lives. He was... We all just got tired of pretending. He never tried to pretend for us...
The latest from 'his' church is that Nabal's previous pastor who stepped down for various reasons: First the church was failing. Then his wife accused him, and probably rightly, of abuse; is asking Nabal's help to get the new pastor to leave or be put out. Wow. Just floored me. Nabal evidently forgot his thoughts on the previous pastor. Now he says the guy is 'preaching good.' WHAT!! I feel for them if this new man was sent here by God to do a work and those two try to stop it... Nabal does not like the man because he has made decisions without consulting Nabal... I can see all this not ending well at all. I'm seeing this gentleman going off and starting his own church, and it will probably thrive. I can not understand what the attachment for Nabal is. It's like there is some personal thing going on to prove a point. Nabal knows they need to leave the denomination they are currently under. They want to get a following and start a new church, but they want to keep the name of their current church without the denominational name attached. Why? I heard others in the past voice this same care. They could care less about doctrine or anything else as long as they could keep the same name. Something fishy going on here and I can't put my finger on it.
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