New Years Eve

2010. What can I really say about it... it has been difficult, rewarding and eye opening. I have seen the heights and depths. One of these days when I have time I may cry over all of this. Now is not the time and I don't have the energy to spare. I have thought long and hard about this, and the addiction that really hurt the kids was workable. Maybe some time apart and I cared, really cared about Nabal's wellbeing. I worried for him I ave talked to him about getting help for his addiction for years. This year I stopped. The women was the end of my road, something I just could not do. The first realization I was willing to forgive and forget. I became the model wife in the bedroom and out and a week later Nabal was back to drinking and begging the women. At that moment I realized that it wasn't me. Nabal would always want what he didn't have. He was always looking around at what he didn't have. That is one of the things I think that drives him to drink. I'm no Halley Barry or Eva Longoria, but if they have cheating husbands it is not about looks or money... Nabal crossed the line and got sneaker about it. Which means he willfully went there. There ended my care about our relationship. I hate that I have to watch his phone like I'm a detective. I don't like being a snoop, I would rather be able to trust the man I am with. My trust you will have until you break it. The once I could live with, the willful pursuit I could not.

I have gotten back into my life. I realized how much I had given up to protect Nabal's ego. I am very good at what I do and hope to be able to take everything on by the end of this year. My kids are mentally healthier and once I'm finished school and working I will be more available. I have made friends again. There are also ties that I need to pursue that I gave up on that meant very much to me in the past, and I need for my children to know these people. I've grown and come out of my shell, my cave. I was an only child, so solitude wasn't really that foreign to me. My kids were there, because Nabal's approval was never really given to anyone. Why did I let this happen. Trying to compromise... Somehow I got twisted that Nabal's compromise was staying and keeping our family together. Having small children and no living family makes for a lot of twisted thinking. This has been one of the hardest years of my life, yet one of the easiest. I made the decision to let go, and I did. So not much of the drama really got under my skin. Only when Nabal used the children to get to me did it hurt.

Lately Nabal has been on a campaign of living like we are a happy, healthy couple. He wants a kiss every morning. He demands hugs. All the affection doesn't have the feel of genuineness, but as a tool of control. You will love me. You will respond. He just rushes at my face and the tone of voice has no love or care in it. Demand- yes. I have a very dark secret. I have not kissed Nabal back this whole year, and he has never noticed. It is like he is kissing a fantasy. He is all in his head. I feel guilty every time, but it has been 2 years since he even spoke to me. Just barked orders when he needed anything. The other day he jovially called me over to to talk. I sat down because I couldn't think of anything that needed to be done to get out of it. He asked, "You don't like to talk to Poppy any more?" It just got me how it was all on me again. I told him that it had been 2 years that he had not really spoken to me. He tried to argue that he was a little stressed and i don't even remember the rest. I stopped him. "You are not going to rewrite history. You stopped talking to me when you started drinking again. So don't try to make it anything else." Nabal then made the proclamation that we would sit down each day from then on and talk for an hour. Anger spoke and I told him to that I hoped he had a lot to say. It's 3 days later and I have not had to suffer through any hour talks yet. He wants us to 'do' something for New Years. He wants to do a family thing, have a party for the kids... Then Nabal says, "The kids don't like to do things with us." Us... He misses that it is him that we would rather not be around. For the last year whenever we all go out he is constantly checking his phone or looking at other women. Or spinning lies that we all can see through. It has become a waste of time. It may sound cold, but if all you are being fed is lies, it is truly a waste of precious time to listen to them. Nabal doesn't just lie about the big things, he lies about small inconsequential things as well. Odd that in retrospect our kids remember his personality changes when he is around certain women and that there were always some stores that he didn't want them to go into with him.

I don't know what this next year will bring. I still have pangs of feeling very sorry for Nabal, especially when he does the little boy act. I can't be sure whether he has convinced himself of the reality that he wants. That reality is the wife, the kids, the business, the home and the other women. All of these genially coexisting side by side oblivious to one another. I just can't do it. I found I still do have a little pride. I do have feelings. I don't want to live on the fringe any more. I don't want to be a caged bird any longer.

Friday

Nabal got actually saved one from the six pack last night. He behaved well, especially after he had a nosebleed in the shower. It seems that the telephone traffic has slowed too, but next month's phone bill will show whether this is the truth or just appearances. Last month because of school and work I thought the same but the numbers don't lie.

Our boy has a job now! Completely independent of Nabal!!

Phone

So back on the 23rd found a text from Isela that said, "I love you too." Then there were 3 cute forwards from CM and Isela. One had that traditional Christmas song 'Stand By Me'... Which he showed our boy, and we had to listen to him murder all Christmas day... He erased them, but sent them to our kids so he can keep them that way safely in his outbox. He's been pretty careful about erasing except for one draft which was only the beginning, and no clue who it went to. Last night I went through photos and he has about 6 or 8 of them taken in the bathroom on 12/24/2010. Christmas presents I guess... Then two really weird ones taken on the 26th and 27th. One might be body parts and the other is definitely a pillow case.

He was waiting when we got home from church. Our boy came to church and Nabal needed his truck to take the check to the music teacher for his worship band. After he left I realized he had had a large Corona. He was a little snappy. He got home and I was asleep, so like any small child he tried to wake me. Again I believe he has gone past alcoholism and is revisiting values of his childhood. Lying, cheating, stealing. All played out so well by his own alcoholic mother.Is he ever totally sober? Not really, but he is doing most of his antics sober.

Our boy was on a job with him the other day and Nabal went out and stayed out for a long time. When he got back he told our boy to take the truck and go home to get something. The boy said the smell of marijuana was so strong in the truck that he had to air it out before he could drive it. Nabal left the truck here for the boy to take to the job and take Pablito. Our boy went out to the car and came immediately back to the house. "Mom, you have to go smell the truck..." So I now refer to it as the Ganga Mobile. Nabal has another scheme for getting work with one of these schister internet cons. He said a word about himself. "Don't smoke or drink alcohol on the job. We dress appropriately." Let's guess what statements are true.

Drinking and The Love of Guns

So while I was working, in early December, I get out of work at 6:30am to a text from our boy from the night before, "Did you hide poppy's gun?" What the hell? Evidently Nabal was looking for a little 22 he found at a property of ours- to shoot one of our cats. It is a cat with chronic illness, but is not in pain and enjoys his life. Nabal got very drunk and went looking and telling the kids just what he was going to do... Our boy thought I had hidden the gun, but I haven't seen it in months. Then the boy said, "He probably lost it when he was showing his guns to all his drunk friends." He WHAT!!! Yes, our boy said Nabal would often take all his guns (really except for the 22, rifles) outside to show off to all his drunk friends when he was drunk. I'm wondering if it was another ploy to make me stop working? Nabal says mean things like this all the time when he is drunk but has of yet not acted upon them. His mother is a woman who would kill their animals. I know she was a farm girl, but she always made sure the kids knew exactly what she did. Just meanness!

Vacation

It's our kid's vacation and our boy does work for Nabal when he needs the help. Our boy has really turned himself around this year and is taking amazingly hard classes and doing the work plus over and above! He stays up late with his friends who work and that's the only time he's taking any time. So he worked with Nabal once last week, because of temperatures there wasn't anymore work. Yesterday Nabal wanted to wake the boy up when it was 26 degrees I asked, "Did you tell him yesterday he was to work today?" Then there was the thing that it would not be warm enough to work for at least 2 hours. In the end he didn't need the boy. Tat was fine he studied all day. One of the boy's friends brought over Guitar Hero and they stayed up playing. Nabal was annoyed this morning because everyone was sleeping over and, "He knows I need him to work." I asked, "Did you tell him yesterday." His reply, "Do I need to tell him every day before I need him to work? He knows I need him to work." That's the crux of everything. He wants everyone to form their lives around him, and what he may need. By the way it's still 27 degrees. What I see as common courtesy, Nabal misses the entire concept.I'm just wondering what happened to the Protege... He's solely working with Pablito these days. Our boy worked with him the last time. He had to leave for a doctors appointment and when Nabal went to pick Pablito he was drunk as a skunk.

That day our boy had a doctors appointment, Nabal came to me in the morning and said he needed him that day. I could tell by his voice and face that he wanted me to cancel the boy's appointment. I wasn't. The boy's wrist was swollen and he was having trouble playing his violin. I told him that was fine but I needed him for an hour. Come to find out that was all the work there was. By the time of the appointment they were done.

Super Dad

So just before school let out for the holidays and just after I told Nabal that the kids were old enough to decide who they wanted to live with if he were to leave, Nabal became super dad... He suddenly found all the missing papers for our boys schooling and looked at his grades. He then 'informed' me of what classes the children were taking and how they were doing. They started school in August! It's December. He had no clue or care before this. So every day for two weeks I had to hear, "Have you checked on the children's school work this week?" Wow, good thing he finally woke up! I would have never known anything- NOT! Then he gets on a big campaign because of a winter concert. Asks me if I'm going... or am I going to school... I informed him that the children and I had crossed that bridge a year ago and they knew that I was going to have to miss after school functions, but they also knew that I was going to be back as soon as I was through. He was actually trying to make me feel bad because I wasn't going to the concert! He who has either skipped or gone drunk. So he was, days leading up very concerned as to how the kids would get there. I just kept telling him he was going to be home- figure it out. So the day of: he got them there and picked them up. He, NEVER went. When I got home he had nerve to report all the comings and goings, like it was a hardship. When I asked him if he went, he started to mumble and looked into the TV. As they say- when the rubber meets the road...

In The Midst of The Holidays

The job has finally come to an end and most of Christmas was spent sleeping. I convinced everyone that it was me re-acclimating to day times, but I knew it depressed me that Nabal was home and trying for kisses and hugs at every turn. It wasn't gentle it was him pretending that nothing had happened and forcing me to come over to that reality. He already told me that it was my fault that he drank like a fish for two years, but that he did indeed forgive me and still loved me... Well, ain't that grand. Now he is playing the victim. He runs around buying me crap I don't like or ask for (food stuff) and trying to make me eat it. What the hell is up with that? He either asks me, sounding completely clueless, "You are mad all the time, why?" When he pushed me a couple of weeks ago and I said the drinking was the least, it was the women. He got the most pious look and told me in a pat on the head sort of way that I was mistaken. When I offered up proof he chuckled. Chuckled... Told me if I wasn't in his business it wouldn't bother me. Then tried to change the subject. I have 2 more months before I can get a real job. One last set of classes and then my reviews. He while I was working actually told me that there was no reason for me to ever work and I should therefore quit school. What really gets me is the playing the victim thing. He is still speaking in third person, "You don't love Poppy no more." Said in a completely creepy little kid voice. The man is 44.

So he got completely drunk the other night and came into the room woke me and told me, "I'm going to make you love me again." Aside from the fact that he smelled like rotten bananas. I was not dealing with a drunk. So he's trying to kiss and grind. Then he left. Smiling. I woke to him trying to pull my clothes off. Well that didn't go well for him. I just wanted to be left the heck alone and all I could think of was Pepe le Pew. Until he tried to forcefully get some jail house action. I snapped, it hurt and I hit him, and cursed him, then left the room. I am sorry I crossed that line, opened that door. He just got way to close to power tripping. I think this will be hard these next few months. I don't think he will be easy to get to leave either. He has made up his mind that we are one big happy family and that the last two years was just a little stress.

He asked this morning why I didn't talk. I told him I just didn't have anything to say. I'm not going to play his game or validate his lies anymore so there is nothing more to say. So he says now each day we will sit down and talk for 1 hour. I told him I hope he has a lot to say... Then he tried to weave some new past history and I called him up short and told him that I was not going to be party to his rewriting of history any more. He's trying to paint the last two years as he was here, nothing much out of the ordinary happened and I'm blowing everything out of proportion. Can we say Gas-Light? I'm done with his head games.

When I questioned him about some of the antics that have gone on between he and Isela, he says, "I don't want her. Do you know how many times she has asked me to leave to be with her? I don't want her." When after that speech I told him to go. Go with Isela, she loves (and deserves) him. He changed the subject, well not exactly changed, "Baby, I love you... I like you." Still drinking, still smoking dope, still texting. Control freak.

Tuesday

Narcissistic control freak!

Wednesday

Nabal is speaking like a true alcoholic now. Seems the latest more than a year long detour into the bottle is all my fault... Well of course! Who else. He is lying about everything, and when the truth intrudes he changes to a different story. All the while with a smirky smile. Told me if I wasn't all in his business I wouldn't know anything. I had to let a little go, he was lying so ridiculously.The good stuff though is still in my hand. He keeps saying, "but I love you." Like that cures every ill. No apologies. He told me that if I put him out he was taking one of the kids, maybe both. I could not stop myself from laughing. Told him they were old enough to choose where they wanted to be.

I am really mad as hell right now, because he is trying his best to lure me down that rabbit hole of codependency again. He is trying to create a reality of what happened that makes me responsible and that I am now being unreasonable. This explains and validates my suspicions when he was so vehement that there was no need for me to ever work. He wants and likes that I have no where to go. A hostage is what he wants. A hostage to his bad behavior, to his tearing apart. Trying to give lots of hugs in front of the kids... I have gotten to the point that I just tell him to go away. He had the nerve this morning to ask me why I was always mad. I feel the need to watch 'Gaslight' again. I do have faith that all dirt comes out in the wash. I'm not putting up with this crap for another 17 years. I refuse to be unhappy and brow beaten any more.

Mommy Complex...

Nabal came in today and I was wading through all the things he threw into the very large basement closet when he was making room for our girl's 14th birthday party for his friends. (never happened) Our winter sheets were near there. So far I found a bunch of stuff that I never even thought of as disappearing there. Nabal comes in from doing his duty of taking his pastor to the hospital. He asked if I want him to find things. After he asked me what I was doing I told him that in drunken stupidity he'd thrown a lot of things together and I needed them. Then in this little kid falsetto he 'jokingly' said, "Let me help you mommy." This is not the first time lately that he has called me mommy in a wheedling voice when he is guilty of something. I looked him in the eye and told him no and that I was not his mother. He actually asked smiling, "You're not my mommy." I told him if I was then he needed to start stepping because he needed to be out on his own at his age. (or something close to that) He laughed and left.

Lately he has been asking me why it is so important that I go to school every day. Not sure if he really doesn't understand or if he is wondering why he has not been able to derail this too. He and most of his family are a bunch of quitters who like to harass others until they do. They actually play dumb. Blasting someone for not doing their work then when they do find ways to distract them from it. Then sit around and talk about how the person will never have the stuff to succeed. I have seen their mother do this to all children in her care. Nabal now wants our boy to study and take a trade test for his so he can get the highest license. The child is 16. Oh, yeah. Nabal is going to have a friend say it was him who took the test. Our boy has enough of his stuff to keep up with. He wanted me to take it, BUT I DON'T WANT MY NAME HOOKED WITH HIS BECAUSE HE DOESN'T FOLLOW THE LAWS!

Monday

Nabal is seemingly trying to change. He really heated up on the rhetoric of me not working. When I told him I did not trust him he changed the subject. So now he follows me around asking for hugs... and talking in a baby voice. Our children had a sporting tournament this weekend and he never made it to one. One I went to after I got off work he called to 'find out whee I was' He informed me that the child could have driven himself and not taxed me to go. I told him I wanted to see them play, he snorted and repeated like I'd said something incredulous. Yesterday he asked if I was going to his church or to the last game. I told him the last game. So he fires back, "So you are going to see them play rather then go to church with me?" This is the competition that drives me nuts. He sees no reason to go support the children in anything they do. He sees it as me choosing them over me when I go to a function for them. I normally don't sit around and watch the sport played; he never makes the connection that it is not the sport I want to see played, but the children. Weird, he actually does like the sport and watches it all the time on TV, yet never goes to see the kids play. He asks if they are playing well. He has been away so long that he does not even realize that the child is one of the team's most important players. One of their stars.

I came so close to spilling what i have on Nabal the other day. I know I need to be patient and hold everything until I am done with school. He told me that the past 2 years was just a little reaction to stress that I am blowing way out of proportion. The kids caught him texting under his coat yesterday. I know in my heart that he has not changed, and that his attention shift to me is about control. He finally noticed that I just don't care anymore and he is trying to have his cake and eat it too. He has had to abstain from at least drinking these last two weeks because of a bum tooth a the need for a rot canal. He realized that he couldn't drink away the pain. He has become suddenly very needy. I can see that in many ways he reverts back to the actions of a child getting the attention of a callous parent. He is very concerned about when my work ends. He keeps saying I don't need to ever work again. I see it as him seeing me as a pet he keeps pampered at home and always waiting for him to return. No matter what he does, I'll be there. Those days are over. His words are sickeningly sweet. A trap... I think it is one of the reasons why I have not worked in all these years. I knew that it was his security to have me dependent, and as long as he was true I was fine with that. The only thing that has changed is that he has started acting out because I have no where to go. He is worried. But he is liar who I can't read, so I don't try. I let facts speak in stead of interpretation. January should be telling. I won't be working, but studying for exams and finishing up school and I will let things go back to normal to see his reaction. To let him come out of the wood work. Since I work such odd hours he has been able to completely cover up his dirt. Well not completely. I saw a conversation between Isela and him that I have secure. The one thing the last 2 years has taught me is that he is not finished. Isela seems pretty committed to being with him if he is free. I'll tie a bow on him! I'm, right now just working and going to school and letting the chips fall where they may. I'm trying not to think about much else and just wait to see what he is up too. Maybe Mary shot him down or took him up on his offer. Something has changed and he is either happy or consigned to the fact that he is not wanted by the young thing... The other day he told me, "You do't love me anymore." I could see the little kid who first said that. I told him I no longer trusted him. I reminded him he was the one who told me he was leaving and we had agreed on a date. He then denied ever saying that. (he was sober once when he said it) Then when I told him that his own children were witness. HE said, "The children didn't hear me." I asked him how he knew who said it since he claimed not to have said it? Deny, deny, deny. The answer to the question of what to do when all else fails... I will admit, I'm over it. All of it. I'm ready to move on to wherever. Alone is way better then this carnival ride of a life. House of mirrors, where image is dictated by the bent of the reflector.

Thursday

So last night I get out of school to a text from Nabal, "Hey baby u doo no hav 2 work stay home 2 nigt" at 9:33 (while I was in class) and "U got my tex baby?" at 10:12 then "cam home" at 10:16. So I called to see what was going on. He has been trying to come up with excuses for me to quit or blow off work for the last few weeks. He tells me he doesn't think it is right for me to work overnights. In fact I don't have to work at all, he makes plenty of money. I told him he was the one who agreed I needed to pick up a part time job. He hedged around and said he thought I was going to get something like from 10-12 during the day; not every day. I was hot. Number one I only work 4 days a week. Number two what would I work 2 hours for? For a $40 check...? I told him good bye and hung up. I was really hot. The kids and their friend were listening to his part of the conversation at home. Our girl told me he used the same tome of voice when he told the lady that his wife knew everything he did and didn't mind. His tone, I must say was one used to reason with a hysterical child. I knew he was up to something. I came in this morning and his usual bottle was in the trash. Our girl told me he came over to talk to her and smelled pretty bad with alcohol.

So, our boy was trying to call Nabal last night to get a ride to church and seems Nabal rejected his call at first and answered later. He said that when Nabal finally answered he was whispering. Enough for a 16 year old to notice. Nabal whispered through the whole conversation. He said also that Nabal had been out a long time. He said though right before the phone went dead he heard a woman laugh. When Nabal picked him out he went a way that he had to drive by the Shell station and he went by slow.

So by this morning, I was still thinking al this through and was going to lay everything on the line. Nabal was following me around asking for a hug and a kiss. He asked again was I working tonight. I told him no. He wanted to know if I was going to stay home. I told him no I was going dancing. What a dumb question. We have been married for 17 years. He is definitely up to something. I'm still mad, really mad. He is trying some new game, I'm just a step behind. Maybe guilt. Maybe it's no fun, how do you threaten someone with leaving who is working? Maybe he is feeling put upon by having to keep an eye on the children during the evening and night... Who knows what goes on in his beer soaked mind. Maybe he sees the handwriting on the wall.