Last Thursday

He's asking if I thought on our reuniting.
He's going to get me flowers. (the first real hearts and flowers of the hearts and flowers phase)
He's pushing to get my pastor involved...

I talked to my pastor last night. He was shocked to find out he was on Nabal's radar. I explained what was going on and Nabal's wasn't of immediate gratification. He said 6 months solids good behavior. I told him I was past that and just wanted out.

It's like Nabal can read minds. Probably body language and the kafuffel with Mary. I was and still am getting to that lawyer.

Then...he came downstairs...odd hard look on his face. He was asking about my tracking his phone. (which I never did...contemplated it many times, never did it) He said he needed them and could I give them to him... Huh? I told him I hadn't tracked his messages, and didn't have any. (he lies to me...I felt no guilt.) He wouldn't look at me, went back upstairs.

I'm thinking he wants to see what was sent to Mary. This may be all about buttering me up to get what he wants. To make things right between him and Mary again.

This is not about me at all.

Last night I stood my ground in a pretty strong way. He groaned, he swore he'd never lie again, he'd be good.

My answer:
Why would I believe a liar, a consummate liar, when they swear never to lie again?

He had to pause himself...

I told him it was over, I was done and wanted out. In those words. No mincing words.

Chain Yanking

This morning Nabal was so very self deprecating. Can't do anything right. He tries and tries and everything always backfires. He could tell I didn't want to deal with him so he was moving to the rental property. I told him I agreed. (I should have offered to pack footer him)

Later he offered coffee and to go out for breakfast for me.

10 hours later:
Hi baby, I called you. He had not.
Give me a little kiss hello. No
Are you hungry, can we go eat?
I'm not hungry.
Can we go out to dinner tonight?
.....

Can we take a nap?
You can take a nap, I'm not tired.
No, us. I want to sleep with you.
No.

What happened to the moving out?! Its like living in a video loop that always starts at the same place...with alternate scenarios.

I can see this is the same, though in reverse, game he has been playing for years. In past he'd call happy and walk in displeased with everything and everybody.

I can't count how many times I've mentally celebrated. The weight lifts. He's giving up, letting me free. Finally! These days it only lasts for a split second. Then I remind myself...he's only yanking my chain. He's just trying to wear me down.

Why would you want someone who gives in, not because they love you, but because they just get tired of it all, simply give up.

I guess that's the difference between abuse and the rest of the world. And I know there are even non abusive men and women (I guess) who try to wear their 'loves' down. Why? If it's not mutual...let it go! 

5:00
Nabal comes in with a big bag of papusas.
Come on let's eat.
I'm really not hungry.
Just eat some with me.
I'm not hungry, I don't want any.
Why are you always so mean to me mama?
I'm not mean, I said I wasn't hungry. You kept on. I'm not going to stuff my face just to make you happy.
Well come upstairs while I eat.
(I did not)

Any subject leads back to...

More cold and snow?
Yes.
We should be sleeping together.
(my eyes roll like googly eyes. So sick of the same exchange said 100 different ways.)

Tonight we need to go out and do something.

Drunken Plumbing

Not a martial arts form! But when upper dreams involve dropping water...do wake up.

Nabal, drinking again, lamented that the outdoor spigots were frozen- because he uses them year round, but not when it's this cold. Turned hiss mind to water. One of the kids mentioned that the waster wasn't holding hot for their shower. And Nabal complained of the pressure.

The basement had a raindrop head, not a regular shower head. This I explained wasn't meant for big pressure.

He said something about turning it off while replacing the gas stove. He opened the water pressure and turned the heat on the water heater up to hot from a mistaken warm setting.

Now running the shower to take pressure off the emergency escape valve on the heater. Turned the tank down to human temps instead of sanitize, and backed off the water pressure. Threw down some sheets for the water...I'll wash them I'm three light of day.

He says he lost his glasses...not prescription glasses- readers. He's going to blame this, on that.

The fun never ends!

Nabal's response: Every time I try to do something nice...I f*ck up. So f* it!

Victim even to himself...

Business as Usual

Nabal is back to drinking...

You've got beautiful hands. Are they my hands?

No, you have hands, these are my hands.

Can I have a lil hug? (didn't answer) Will I ever get a kiss from you again?

I doubt that seriously.

You never liked me. You never kissed me.

May I say this is the man I would, for over half our marriage, ask for a kiss goodbye when he left in the morning. I admit I did try to, gently teach him, not to lick my face but kiss more like a grown man... 20 years...the lesson never took, I gave up.

Why won't you be my wife again? Is there another man?

No.

Because I'm such a bad man?

Here we go again...

Puzzle Pieces

Today...today. Nabal was trying to overdo. He was solicitous to a fault. Did I want this, did I want that. He would make anything I wanted. Nabal has never been that way. He's trying to curry favor. I'm in the position that if I accept anything...I'd hear a litany of the things he did for me. Things I don't appreciate. Oh gosh! My mother played that game! She'd go buy something, something I didn't like. Them she'd go through how much time she'd spent looking, and I didn't appreciate it. I'd tell her I appreciated her looking...I just didn't like the item. Most of the time I would... Guilt trip!

Sorry for the side trip.

I stood my ground. Told him there was no future for us. His only answer was: but, I love you. I stopped drinking nd I won't drink anymore. It made my brain sick.

I'm going to dissect this. His drinking started in earnest about 7 years ago, and it has steadily exhilarated. 7 years...no wonder I'm tired of all this. He has just blamed any and all unsavory actions on alcohol. Dubbed it a sickness. Now he's absolved! His actions have saddened him. Saddened him?! How much more the children and I! And his controlling behavior predates the heavy drinking.

I'm unforgiving, yet he was still throwing 20 year old lies in my face. All throughout our marriage he brought up the same old crap. He would go back to before we were dating...

But I love you...

This was always his cure all. Whenever he blew he'd come around with: That's ok...I still love you. Yup, it was ringing hollow even then, but I was in a bad frame of mind...

His problem? Its not working like it used to. He almost lost it today...because it wasn't working. He tried to say he didn't know why feared talking to me and speaking his mind. Bingo! Mr. Bancroft's victim personality!

I've kicked the bottle for a week, got religion and said, "I love you." Come to papa!

"Can we go to marriage counseling?" "No." "Can we go talk to you pastor Chad?" "Sure!" (My pastor has heard the whole and seen 14 years of damaged goods come in his church and sing by his side. Yeah we can talk to him. He knows the worse stuff already.) I think Nabal picked up on that and followed up with- "Can we have a family meeting? You, me and the kids." "Yeah sure."

I'm assuming he'll forget, but what does he think the kids are going to say? Some days I think they are more sick of this than I am. In the past 2 years they have seen more than I have. He can't believe we'll all forget. Well...I guess he can. I think he's hoping to hold something over one or both their heads so they'll agree with him. Like we can vote on thus crazy crap and he'll have me back home, not working, and under his thumb. No!

Thursday

And now he's around singing his sad sack love songs. The ones drunks sing in Mexico.

Coming downstairs trying to do the hand and foot wait on thing. Coffee, another blanket, food. Can we eat lunch.

Then, can I have a hug? Can I have a kiss? Him leaning over to kiss my forehead because I can't move out of the way. My arm is up blocking him access. "Oh mama, but I love you!" Personal space, and not taking no for an answer. Should I take a shower? You just don't care about me anymore?

Analyzing this turn of crazy last night... Did he really assume his gratification would be immediate of ever? What grown up would ever expect such? I heard his boots hit the floor, he didn't sound pleased. He's going to use sugar, until he realizes I'm not giving in. Then I believe he'll turn mean. Big letdown for his immature brain.

He's up there singing away. Light hearted and gay...comes down all smiles and leaves downcast. Oh boy...bumpy bumpy ride.

Back down- So I can't come visit you? No. You just don't want me any more? I finally just put it back where it belongs- You've made it pretty clear you have your own life; so I've moved on with mine.

Nabal: So there's nothing we can do?
Me: No.
Nabal: Can we still go to lunch?
Me: Fine.

Did I make a mistake...? Our girl is accompanying, so maybe that'll offset it seeming like a 'date.' This is what I want, but it's darn scary.

Wednesday

I got a two day/night reprieve with all the snow. All my coworkers thought I should stay. I knew I had to come back. I like seeing my kids the most, but I knew I had to come back to stand my ground and say no.

Nabal has not been drinking for a week. Except for his Nyquil... He's had an epiphany- alcohol messes up your mind. He looked at me aghast- he had no idea! Seriously?! His mom had been an alcoholic for years and his uncle died from it. Oh, he knew. (Oh! But it wasn't him...it was the alcohol. So can't blame him personally.)

Why am I mad at him? Not mad, don't care. Why don't I forgive him? (he thinks forgive equals forget and immediate sex and cuddle) I forgave him ages ago, for my sanity. Its the only way I could relinquish any shred of involvement in his drama.

He wants to come visit me at work. What do people do there? Can you show me around? If I come up will you talk to me? Then we can sleep together, right? I can find it you know. Who lives in the house with you? Is the lady married? The kids know where you work.

Told him there was an extra room. His reply: No,I want to sleep with you. My reply: No. Nabal: Why? Why can't you forgive me?

One week does not make a sober man. Abuser 101- They will want you to forgive them on their time schedule. Better yet, forget.

He's not taking no for an answer... He's sitting here like a wounded child: I feel bad mama. Please, please. I love you. (so dang sick of hearing that! Like it'll make everything, all these years better...) Come sleep upstairs. I'm gonna put a ring on your finger. Your hands look like a 16 year old's. How do you do that? You're pretty.

Just before he went to his room, he came half way down the steps. "Do you have another man?"

How many f*ing years, how many women, how many head games? And he has the damn nerve to assume there's another man! The man who messed us up...is the one and only Nabal. Oh, but he won't go there.

He asked if I would do lunch with him tomorrow. Dropped the topic of his churches Bible study into conversation. Asked me something...I was not really paying attention to be honest. Then strongly, but kindly...reminded me I was his wife, and therefore should care about everything concerning him.

Then he tried to 'tell' on the kids. Under age drinking... Up till this week he would encourage them all to drink with him and supply them. I'm not happy about Amy of it, but it was the elder, who is of age.

The reason he told: Nabal called the elder into his room and asked about the text war with Mary from his phone. Good gravy, while he was passed out, it was a group effort of about 6 young folks. They all knew it was his girlfriend. As I said before- our kids were pissed about his Christmas spending spree on her and her family. Asked why it was done... (throwing up my hands) A true piece of work.

What else has Nabal been up to this week? He asked our girl for spelling help. As she passed she looked over his shoulder- texting Mary.

Nabal's Fantasy:
I would find out he was a week sober, realized his errors, cried and went back to church, then swoon onto his bed...naked. The children would be toddlers again, and I'd have dinner hot whenever he decided to show up...from Mary's house. Isela would leave her husband and very good job- he'd put her up in a house where he'd go for tacos. (the end)

Wonder what they ended up doing for Valentines Day...? I knew his bank account would salve her hurts.

I'm out. Not going back into this crazy mess of a marriage. My prediction: He'll go back to drinking, then blame me and my unforgiving ways for pushing him to it.

What gets me is that now the alcohol was the only problem... Let's forget about all the emotional abuse, there for years. Let's forget the threats to leave that have been there since the kids were babies. Let's forget he told me he was leaving for another woman. (not my fault the deal fell thought on all of them) Let's forget he told my kids he was going to get them a new pretty mommy. Let's forget everything and say it was alcohol and start afresh. BS!

Just thinking of all the recent conversations he's had with Mary, early and mid day, stone cold sober. Who are we blaming that on?

I believe he got so drunk and so high that he got very sick behind it and scared himself. He's also afraid the kids told on him. He's a shiny new penny...ready to be forgiven and embraced. Lord, don't forget the embrace!

He's a sham. He's trying the bait and switch. Not working. He's always a lie in progress.

Another man... I am and have been ready to move on. Mentally I'm history, like this relationship. I know I'll be alone once I get away from this frecockted mess...but I'd like to, hope to run into a nice man. Someone who won't play mind games. Someone who I can trust. Someone I can share life with. Long shot, but alone is better than here.

Sunday

Valentines Day... I got text bombed.

Nabal says he's:
Stupid, confused, won't ever drink again, thinks alcohol makes his brain sick, cries sometimes thinking of the things he as done, wishes we could be together.

Yup, he's Mary-less on Valentines.

It dawned on me, he wanted me to call so he could either tell the kids...friends...that I called because I love him. The exact same thing he did a few weeks ago when I finally called him. When we got off the phone he told our daughter that I told him that I loved him. She told me because she was pretty sure I indeed had not. (probably checking to make sure I hadn't finally lost my mind)

It was so very cold today that I pulled out and wore my old winter pants I had when I worked outdoors. They are slightly ragged and stained, but a dang good brand. They were not tattered when I was stopped working. Nabal got hold of them years ago and I found them in his truck. When I asked him why he hadn't bought his own he replied that I'd never work again, thus never need them again. Heck, it's still cold and I can wear them work or no. I hid them for a few years.

Why did I do such a thing? Nabal gave away or 'used' most of my work tools. I'd notice when I went to look for them to fix something around the house. He would give me the same answer. I didn't need them because I wasn't working. How dare he?! These were my tools. I work around the house. If I wanted to keep them till I'm old and toothless....that's my business and right! I'd buy new tools, and he'd 'need' them eventually. I wouldn't know until I again needed to use them. Yup, part of the game.

Thursday

And today Nabal wants it's to work on our relationship... Not let all we have go. We could do so much good together. Pull it back together for the kids...to make them happy. I'm his world. He'll never drink or do anything bad again. Can we get together and talk.

No. Never again. No.

Nabal pleads... You think about it, ok. I need you.

I read an article last week about love bombing. What narcissist do when they notice you are slipping beyond their reach. It really rang true.

This relationship is dead. Been dead for years now. The body of it has been mutilated beyond recognition. All it needs is buried...because it's been stinking up the place for a long time.

Wednesday

Last night Nabal comes racing downstairs babbling about the kids behavior... I was asleep. Just as fast he runs back upstairs and jumps on his bed... His oil stained bed. Needless to say his foray into deflecting anything they may say...wasn't planned well, and he realized it. He had no clue pictures were taken.

Tonight, he came downstairs. He has a bandage below his lip... The kids say it's a wart. (kissing frogs...)

He asked was I working this weekend. He asks am going to celebrate the holiday. Holiday...? Valentines day. (my best work week since Christmas!) I'm working. Nabal says we should this year. I chuckled to myself. He never made any effort whatsoever, except to remind me to book a hotel room... Never even brought anything to said room, except himself... He said we should start now...never too late you know...wink, wink. I gave him a flat no. No misunderstanding.

Nabal: Why don't you want me anymore?

He was sober, but hell, anything I say he denies. I think even if i had video...he's try to spin it. He just denies and leaves the burden of proof for me... Or...he gets righteous and 'explains' to me that everyone has problems in life. He's changed. I really need to get over it...and myself.

He asked me if many people have the flu. You know, like he does. He feels horrible and no matter How much Nyquil he takes...he can't seem to sleep.

If I brought up the weekend...he'd deny any link. Alcohol doesn't cause physical issues...

Nabal: Well, I'm going to sleep. Gimme un little hug.
Me: Nope.
Nabal: I'm gonna fight to get you back. I'm gonna fight real hard.

And off he goes. Why oh why would anyone not see? Why oh why wouldn't he just move along? Where he's from the women always always forgive and forget. No matter how many times the slimes go on drunken binges, get caught with other women, etc. He just can't fathom how I won't some day be able to resist his charms.

One of the best pieces of advice I've gleaned from Lundy Bancroft's writings- keep a diary! This is it. Right here. This body of work. My diary, because once they perceive enough water had run under that bridge...they will deny it all. Tell you you're making a mountain out of a mole hill and you need to calm down. Portray it as a weakness in you that allows for your hurt feelings. Deny, deny, deny. And when caught...chuckle and run off to resume at a later date. Mind game 101.

Now he's the poor victim of mean old, hard ass, thoughtless, heartless...me. He told me not long ago I was mean. Told me I was too hard on him. I'm the only thing standing between our romance... Hogwash!

I'm mean because I won't let him do what he wants to do. Why won't he just go! He wants a new girl to step right into a relationship with...plain and simple. When he thought he had that...he was gone. Well, either that or he wanted to beat me down so that I would be more than willing to quietly let him have his dalliances as long as I got to keep him...not in my play book.

The thing is he's crossed the line so much...they put up a toll booth. I can taste freedom! I'm moving past tired...it has become ridiculous.

Poor Poor Nabal

Nabal admits he feels physically bad. Oh! The flu came back on him. Did he ever have the flu...? Nabal hasn't eaten in 3 days. (according to Nabal)

Housekeeping
Things teens should never have to know about a parent:
Nabal cruises bars and clubs looking for hookers. Then takes then to hotels.

The Weekend...Drama

Nabal...Nabal this weekend severed any last grain of respect his children had for him. At this time Nabal isn't speaking to either of them...

I'm quite sure he has conspired in his mind to lay all the blame on then.

Saturday:
It seems Nabal started his drinking around 9 in the morning, by 9 that night- enter his and my son and daughter. They were not alone, but were with friends. Some, have known Nabal since they were children, some were new friends. They all got a taste of drunken, foul racist language...

Nabal was drinking with Mike (the poor guy in the drug and alcohol rehab house across the street.), and Pablo and his brother. Nabal got in his 'fight' mood. He got in some sort of argument with Mike. Nabal hit him and knocked him down.

I forgot to mention they were drinking in the kitchen. Also this was the first good weather we've had in ages...and he wasn't working, but drinking the day away.

Our boy had already broken up other arguments and took Nabal to his room trying to get him to go to bed. Nabal returned each time.

Somewhere in all this the large container of oil, from Nabal's botched restaurant fiasco, was spoiling on the floor. The new ceramic floor. Nabal was an oily mess.

Nabal finally crawled back to the kitchen...too drunk to walk. Shortly after, argued with Pablo's brother and tried to choke him. Yes, choke him... Our boy once again came in and hauled Nabal off the man. They both went down in the blasted oil. There now being over an inch of it on the floor.

Nabal then tried to fight his son... Our boy got himself free and left the crazy scene. Nabal evidently spent quite a lot of time struggling to stand. Enter our girl- she spent some time chastising her father for his outrages behavior. Nabal's reply? "Your brother started it and made this mess." Our girl wasn't having it. She'd just heard her father say nasty, foul, and racist things to young people who had grown up looking up to her father. All of these kids were trying to help him. Help him not make an ass of himself. My girl berated him to embarrassment. I told her not to be taken in...don't let him make himself you're responsibility.

Nabal struggled to get off the floor, all the while saying he wanted to fight. He was in the fighting mood... Some one or two of the young people helped him up onto one of the kitchen stools. The kitchen stool which he later slid off of and onto the stove. Our girl saw him about to set himself on fire...by accident. Nabal, covered in oil from head to toe had inadvertently turned a burner on as he hung on the stove...passed out. He got back on the stool still refusing sleep and wanting a fight.

Later they came in to find Nabal passed out, stretched out in the middle of the kitchen floor. He wasn't breathing... Our boy nudged him and he inhaled sharply and took a breath. They all think he fell of the stool, hit his head on his newly laid tile floor- and knocked himself out. The young men carried him to his bed.

Next morning Nabal heard footsteps and in a pitiful voice called our boy. It was poor girl. Nabal wanted 3 oranges and water. She brought them. He didn't even have strength to lift the oranges... He hasn't spoken to them since.

Well...maybe his not talking to them has more to do with Mary. Nabal behaved so very badly that the kids got hold of his phone and decided to have a little conversation with her. Needless to say...it wasn't pretty. He was immediately unfriended by her on FB.

The next morning, once he got himself together...he was seen leaving her neighborhood... I'm sure his bank account will patch things up for her and between them. The kids took a picture of Nabal stretched out on the floor. I had to ask if he was still alive... My girl thought honestly that he had had alcohol poisoning.

Yeah, it's all got to end soon.

Tuesday

Was talking to my son tonight... Nabal, while drink, told him Mary's son knows him. (my son) He said he didn't think the boy likes him.

My son had a friend tail the woman to see who the young man is... 

Lawyer lawyer here I come.

Tonight we, boy, Nabal and I went out to dinner. Well Nabal came very late. He didn't answer so we ordered. Nabal got his food after we finished. He nibbled some of the boy's. Ate two mouthfuls and had a green look on his face and kept running to the bathroom. He took his food home.

Nabal comes downstairs and, oh, just in conversation says: can I sleep with you tonight?