Wednesday

Last night Nabal comes racing downstairs babbling about the kids behavior... I was asleep. Just as fast he runs back upstairs and jumps on his bed... His oil stained bed. Needless to say his foray into deflecting anything they may say...wasn't planned well, and he realized it. He had no clue pictures were taken.

Tonight, he came downstairs. He has a bandage below his lip... The kids say it's a wart. (kissing frogs...)

He asked was I working this weekend. He asks am going to celebrate the holiday. Holiday...? Valentines day. (my best work week since Christmas!) I'm working. Nabal says we should this year. I chuckled to myself. He never made any effort whatsoever, except to remind me to book a hotel room... Never even brought anything to said room, except himself... He said we should start now...never too late you know...wink, wink. I gave him a flat no. No misunderstanding.

Nabal: Why don't you want me anymore?

He was sober, but hell, anything I say he denies. I think even if i had video...he's try to spin it. He just denies and leaves the burden of proof for me... Or...he gets righteous and 'explains' to me that everyone has problems in life. He's changed. I really need to get over it...and myself.

He asked me if many people have the flu. You know, like he does. He feels horrible and no matter How much Nyquil he takes...he can't seem to sleep.

If I brought up the weekend...he'd deny any link. Alcohol doesn't cause physical issues...

Nabal: Well, I'm going to sleep. Gimme un little hug.
Me: Nope.
Nabal: I'm gonna fight to get you back. I'm gonna fight real hard.

And off he goes. Why oh why would anyone not see? Why oh why wouldn't he just move along? Where he's from the women always always forgive and forget. No matter how many times the slimes go on drunken binges, get caught with other women, etc. He just can't fathom how I won't some day be able to resist his charms.

One of the best pieces of advice I've gleaned from Lundy Bancroft's writings- keep a diary! This is it. Right here. This body of work. My diary, because once they perceive enough water had run under that bridge...they will deny it all. Tell you you're making a mountain out of a mole hill and you need to calm down. Portray it as a weakness in you that allows for your hurt feelings. Deny, deny, deny. And when caught...chuckle and run off to resume at a later date. Mind game 101.

Now he's the poor victim of mean old, hard ass, thoughtless, heartless...me. He told me not long ago I was mean. Told me I was too hard on him. I'm the only thing standing between our romance... Hogwash!

I'm mean because I won't let him do what he wants to do. Why won't he just go! He wants a new girl to step right into a relationship with...plain and simple. When he thought he had that...he was gone. Well, either that or he wanted to beat me down so that I would be more than willing to quietly let him have his dalliances as long as I got to keep him...not in my play book.

The thing is he's crossed the line so much...they put up a toll booth. I can taste freedom! I'm moving past tired...it has become ridiculous.