Like A Rug He Lies

Nabal:
I am going to take care of you until you die. (Yikes) I'm going to show you, you're gonna love ME again. I'm trying to decide whether to go back to church our work out...

Then he passed out at 9. Still dressed in the clothes he stumbled in the house in at 4 a.m. Very, very drunk.

Those text between Nabal and Mary have been calling my name.

Today:

Nabal to Mary- Can we hang out. I want you tonight.

Friday:
Nabal to Mary- please, I want to be your boyfriend.

As always these two talk all the time. Him drunk texting her with vile words and threats. (Yes, threats) Mary throws threats back and accused him of stalking her.

He threatened to camp outside her house and beat any guy who comes out. Mary...Mary Sims told him this I..And our girl would be beat up if that happened. Did Nabal stop or say things had gone too far? Nope, his reply: ok. Then he goes on to tell her he...does not lie like she does.

How the hell how did we get dragged into their dirty? Weird, what she says about him. Every last word it true. So, why?

Well, nothing had really changed, he's just looking out for his second love- lil Willie.

All getting way out of hand...

R-E-L-I-E-F!

Thank you Lord!

I've really been losing it. Stress, anxiety, headaches, lethargy, not sleeping at night, not motivated, feeling trapped.

Nabal has been doing the full court press- Without you I'll be lost and destroy myself, I love you and I'm not messing with anyone else- because I love only you, I can change if you come back to me- be my wife. Every other thing has a sexual undertone, though he denies it- he just loves and needs me.

Tonight he was challenging my personal space. Wanting to touch a button on my shorts. Wanting to touch my leg, my leg. Telling me I'm so pretty. Than with a rather pitiful face said as I recoiled from his unwanted touch and proximity- Why can't I touch you anymore?

I told him loud and clear the drinking and driving himself into drugs was NOT my fault and I wasn't going to feel guilty or try to save him. He's responsible for his actions.

I could feel a buried part in my thoughts though begin to feel sorry for him. All those years of conditioning.

The last few days he's actually cut weeds down that over the last few years have turned into trees. Instead of painting the porch he has some blue stone- which friends it into a way bigger job than is needed.

It's supposed to be a trap! He does all this work- trying to soften my heart up. See, he's a changed man...

I was given his phone code by an interested party. Well given the bones- I tried once before but wasn't right, and I wasn't this mentally bombarded. I went to the kitchen for a cupcake- yes, I'm eating my anxiety within reason. There it was and something said try again- Eureka!

He's busily trying to talk Mary back into bed... She's telling him he's disrespectful. He alluding to her, well reminding her, she lied to him about her fidelity...to him. (Cracks up laughing at his audacity)

Honestly I don't care what he does- I needed that information to fortify my mind. Immediately my mind found reality to hold onto- I was really bugging with his mind games.

So he staggered back down here while I was writing this... He starts, not yelling, but a stern gruff voice slightly louder than he usually speaks: Who are you texting? I know you're texting someone!

Shall we say I snapped on him. Told him all about himself and his texting. His reply- I'm not messing with anyone. Shut that down as he wants a pass that he's not actively right now sleeping with anyone... Years buddy...years. Then he has the nerve to say...in plain English- I don't know where you get all these crazy thoughts into your mind. I've never slept with anyone. (MIND F#¢K!)

I lowered on him. Told him his mind games meant nothing to me, and I knew he was doing it- I'd seen his pictures and read his texts. (He staggered back upstairs) (note: he never denies, he just doesn't respond and walks away)

Only to return in minutes: I'm going back to church.

I told him good for him.

His last shot: I bet even with that you won't forgive me. (Then staggered of to bed.) After he tried with his best little boy voice to ask if we could sleep together tonight.

Thus is it- his one and only concern, after getting drunk of course, is to get lil Willie taken care of. He loves his beer. He loves his lil Willie. End of story.

And thank Lundy Bancroft for pointing out that for them- forgive means forget anything he does... And use even things that happened before I knew him- 20+ years later against me.  Ahhh, an abuser mind.

I'm Losing It Here...

So I quit my job for the wedding. Went into business for myself, but unfortunately sharing a space with a friend who is just a different person when around her full time... She's got a partner in business, who I feel so sorry for.

My friend- was abused when a child and had an alcoholic dad. Just a negative controller of a person who throws all get friend under a bus to other friends... Not an environment I need. They have no work, and I've got the other partner thinking positive again, but my friend is a underminer. Any idea is shot down immediately. Her idea for marketing are at least 20 years old- flyers on windshields...  she gives you a few then expects we share ours. That would be ok, but my clients don't need what she does, and she can't do what I do. I met her in school, her there for the second time, and she still never got her license... I've spent the summer taking classes and need to intern- so that's my way out without hard feelings. I'll work there on my days off and use the partner's room.

My friend plays games- if she finds out when you have a client she says she is using her room- then never shows. Says her people always cancel. This may be the truth- I've dealt with a few and they are last minute cancellers. I've found out lately many come to her because she bullies them and guilts then because she needs work.

Also going nuts being home so much again lately: it's a pit, filthy. ALANON says font clean up after a drunk. Nabal makes messes. Beer bottles, cooking in the kitchen and never cleaning. The kids never clean, I never clean. Not never, but infrequently. Why? Are we crazy? No, Nabal takes it as we habe done something personally for him- not just because we're are tired of living in filth. We all hate being here- with a drunk. We all make great plans and as soon as we hit the door- we all get tired and just give up. I think it may be some low grade depression... He hounds me daily with his pleas and proclamations. He did tell me I needed to forget the past... I think this is the largest, longest abuse cycle ever! I believe this is supposed to be the hearts and flowers phase, and I'm supposed to feel sorry for him and jump in his bed... Did I forget that part? He needs a nookie fix- plain and simple. All he makes me is angry because I see right through it all. He wants to take rides, walks and eat and just talk... Talk about what? Us. Us? There is no us! He won't accept it. He says I'm mad all the time...over nothing. When he tries to take the liberty of touching me or badgering me to hold hands. He'll stop drinking if I come back and 'be his wife.' Well, what do we think that means if he has refused divorce? I come home, cook, clean, and sleep with him- just like old times. No, thank you. No.Just no. Why won't I forgive him- he's not 'messing' with anyone anymore... He sees no problem. I told him he broke me- I have no feelings left. He tells new I'm mean.

He can kiss my ass! I'm so over all this. His speech is so classic abuser. And with any classic abuser, thinks if they get you into bed- they've got you again. He's wrung every last drop of feeling out of me- yes, I allowed it. My mind is starting to cloud again. I can't take the badgering. No, I won't give in, but it's making me sick and depressed. I want to curl up- not a good thing for a business owner... His crap it's working in small ways. I'm Losing momentum. I'm Losing drive. I just want to sleep, yet I'm awake all night. I feel caged in. I need a place to e escape to again. Business, job, apartment. By my nails I'm clawing to keep going.

No one to talk to. No one gets it at all. Expectations weigh heavily on me. I'm doubting everything again. Not with Nabal- ever! I doubt me- voices: you can't make it on your own anymore. You're old, why try. I know this is all wrong...I know but the reel repeats like a pounding surf. All my life people have been telling me what I can't do. Not because I can't, but because it doesn't fit their image of me. It's a long hill- but I'm still pulling. I look down now and at times just think: fall back and it'll be all over. No more climbing our trying. That would kill me.

I'm at a point where I'm not very happy with me. I'd honestly like to be alone like I always was. Work, go home, shut the door and read, draw, knit. Anything but contemplate my life of failures. Anything that went right- seems I was bent on fouling it up. Everything.

Yeah, about that depression and pity party... As I've always been told- get over it.