April 30, 2013

4/30

Nabal is drunk as usual. He's been trying to act pretty chummy lately, but it's funny what you pick up when you can hear but can't be seen. Our boy came home from work and was walking around, Nabal asked him what he was doing. He replied that he was talking to his sister. Nabal let out a surprised and incredulous- WHAT!

Our son said yeah. Nabal in a sort of odd accusatory. voice asked him: Why?! My skin crawled. It was the same inferred disdain Nabal used when referring to most American children who visited our house. Clearly getting his disapproval across. He enjoys keeping them splintered. Also there's his general thinking that while another man is around, why would another man want to talk to a woman?   

I see a lot of women, young and old post a particular meme on Facebook: 

Treat women the same way you would want your daughter treated. 

I have a problem with this as its misleading. These men do or will treat their daughters in the same manner they treat any other woman. In their minds that daughter has one fatal flaw- she's a woman... I know you can say that to a normal boy/teen/man, but I know these women to also have history of abuse. So be aware, even blood doesn't change their views. It's a core value! If they don't even say it aloud, look at the little details- those little details that a girl needs from her father to form healthy self-worth.

Last night Nabal woke me to tell me I needed to come upstairs and sleep with him. And sleep there forever. Then he started with his version of sexy talk- more like baby talk. Then he says: I won't even touch you. 

Call me a B but I haven't changed his sheets since last fall...maybe summer. I noticed he finally took them off. (maybe they crawled off themselves) He's now sleeping on the mattress cover... Many times he passes out in his work clothes...in the bed.

Nabal's speech tonight:

     Hey, what are we going to do with two kids without school? Do we have to go put them in school? (I told him this isn't like public school. They need to make some decisions themselves.) Don't we have to pay for them? I need you to be with me and love me so we can pay for their school. You need to come be with me and love me. Are you mad at me? What's wrong? I love you with all my heart and don't know why you don't love me. Everything I do, I do for you. I'm never going to leave you. You need to think about this. 

This right here is why I write. He sounded such the victim. Victim of unwarranted anger that just came out of nowhere, for no reason. I know he's drunk, but his game never veers. End of May,.. No more reason, except fear, to play any of his games. 

Nabal came downstairs and told me he lost his phone. The voice of a child who had misplaced his toy and wanted mama to help locate it. This is normal when he's drunk. I asked him when the last time he had it. His reply, "I think that boy Mario took it!" I looked at him like he was nuts, Mario is the high school friend of our boy (much older because of language setbacks) and has a smart phone. Nabal has a broke down flip phone. So I asked, "Why in the world would he have taken your old phone?" Them he explains that he was sitting in the boy's car drinking then some old wino came up and he got out the car to talk. Mario went for more beer. I stopped him there, "So, you left the phone or it dropped out your pocket in the car?" Yes, he took it, Nabal replied. I know it's a little thing, but he absolved himself of fault and placed it on someone else who was innocent of evil intent. Classic!

April 25, 2013

4/25

Nabal came in earlier than usual, but still drunk off his butt. He was drunkenly trying to tell me about some job he thought he was getting short changedu on. He got a note from a contractor about a month ago and he was still mad about it. He finally brought it in. (one unpleasant thing about talking to drunks either on the phone or in person is their constant belching while they talk) I looked at it and realized right away it wasn't a short change. This is something he would have caught himself years ago, but now with all the alcohol he can't add 2+2... On the paper were figures added up for each part of the job...he had never even noticed them. He's looked at this paper sober as well as drunk and never even noticed. 

Again he's bugging me about Mother's Day. I guess he figures I'll get tired of him asking and not work. Today was the: So you won't be joining us at my church? 

It's not just this, he's talking again about buying a new stove, extending the kitchen, putting in new cabinets. WE DON'T HAVE MONEY!! And he's completely ignoring the fact that I barely communicate. And that I've said I am hate this town and am leaving. Renting the house doesn't involve all that. He told me today that we need to start celebrating things together. Then under his breath made some excuse of never having money in the past. Truth rewrite: If someone didn't remind him and shop for him...no one got anything. Told me now we have to pull together... How do you get through to a person who just won't accept? Who is living in a fantasy. 

He was lamenting that he wanted to build a big company. He had one; he lost his damn mind and pisses away all the money, started chasing women, started drinking like a fish. In hindsight, he was always trying to 'keep me in my place' with intermittent attacks, but once he had money his real hate for me came out. Can't push that genie back in the bottle and say it was me who hated him and is unforgiving. 

Nabal started telling me some tale about someone eating his can of sardines that he had in his truck and leaving the mess. Yeah...my sympathies just weren't giving a damn because he does that in the house leaving every dirty dish wherever he sat. Come to find out Pablito has been sleeping in Nabal's truck... He can't sleep so he walks all night. Nabal said the man thinks he's getting sick again. I'm assuming Pablito is drinking again and the alcoholic psychosis is back. My boy said the man told him he gets it from his mom who was mentally ill. Wow, any excuse to blame a woman. Now, unless she was also an alcoholic... But what we get from the excuse is: it's not my fault for drinking (and continuing to drink) that I have alcoholic psychosis, it's mom's fault for being I'll and she passed mental illness on to me. No personal responsibility at all.  

Now the 2 drunks are sitting out on the back patio with a fire in the fireplace, evidently praying. They have been there for 2 hours, it's past 12am, there's a frost warning up tonight. What you want to bet they are both passed out in chairs. Did I mention that Nabal said that Pablito has the same yellowish brown discolorations on his leg that Nabal has had for about 3 years now? And said his face is puffy... Neither will admit it had anything to do with their drinking habits...

I recently realized my son is a personal embarrassment. He treats his girlfriend just like he's been taught by his dad,!uncles and friends. He also takes no personal responsibility. Yes he was raised in a highly dysfunctional home, but once you're an adult you can change. I pray he does, but the payoff is a siren song. 

In this reality, a woman is responsible for every error and omission she makes. To be apologized for as if all were intentional. I can still hear Nabal chastising me for any forgotten thing, no matter how small: you forget things because you don't care. If you cared, you would have remembered. She's wanton, by virtue of being a woman, it's only a matter of time until she's caught. Women are responsible for every error and omission of any man...somehow. When cornered, these men will practically cry and throw a drama infused fit of self blame then ask if whatever woman is present are they satisfied. Macho men are really very ugly drama queens!  

April 23, 2013

I saw Nabal with 'brother' Hector tonight and all I could think was 1) gosh I hope he doesn't convince him to drink. He has kidney damage from an antibiotic allergic reaction. Oh, but that wouldn't stop Nabal...he'd swear the doctors were wrong and beer would fix it. And 2) Maybe is dodge the bullet of Ole Drunk Nabal since the brother was around. 

Well, I still hope he doesn't get Hector to drink. Nabal came in and I'd fried fish for dinner and made a big spring salad. And Nabal yells down the steps that the fish moved. Yup! He's drunk alright. We can file that with the green cat. 

He could barely stand so I fixed his plate. He asked me what I was doing for Mother's Day. I told him working probably. He asked in his victim/child voice: You don't want to stay with me? Had to give him a puzzled stare. What the hell does Mother's Day have to do with him first of all. Second my profession has big traffic on that day. Third, and what I told him, no one ever does anything on Mother's Day. (except the kids) He looks at me and asks: Can't people change? You don't let people change. (This as he stands before me drunk as. skunk...as usual. Haha! If I know Nabal, they are having some dinner at his church and he was trying to rope me in. That's what used to happen... 

Thank goodness it was time to pick the girlie up from work. 

It still echoes in my mind, the words he said the other night. Damn words...always his weapons. I hope you not thinking to divorce me, 'cause it's neeeeever going to happen. Ne-ver going to happen. Never.  Just makes it all seem impossible again. My brave self is wavering. 

April 21, 2013

The little things. Some days they just pop into my head out of nowhere. Tonight Nabal had the radio on in his room playing songs I've never heard him listen to, it was old rock from when I was a kid. That made me think of how on and off through the years I've bought radio tape players for the living room. So the kids and I or whoever is in vv r the common space has music. Every single time, even a largish Karaoke machine, has been taken to a job or outside for a drunken and never seen in the house again. What I finally did get that remained in the house is a weather band/AM/FM transistor type thing. That and the nice CD radio mini stereo I bought for Nabal for Christmas years ago. I complained, he acted as if he was way too busy to go get one for himself. All were broken, lost or left out in the elements. Just another way the family was short changed in a way that goes under the radar, but leaves you wondering how important you aren't. A little thing. I don't even know if I'm explaining it correctly, but it's a small thoughtless act among many.