Sunday

Nabal's church evidently sang for their American church today. Now? Drunk in the backyard. Came in to try to 'scare' me by telling me the American pastor asked for our address... Asked if my pastor ever asked to visit. "Because that's what Christians do." Maybe we should go on the beer run tour. All his empties piled up in the yard in all types of containers... They'd be so proud of their decon. He may know part of what is going on.

He was so annoyed because he 'gave back' the church. He still wants to take the church over. He was very aggitated when I asked wasn't this new woman his pastor. The old pastor's wife (emotionally abused also) was wondering if the two abusers would tolerate a woman over them. She was a teacher of the pastor. I'm not particularly a fan of women preachers, but who knows maybe this is part of God's plan to trip them up somewhere. He is trying to be very strict, Mr. Holier than all else. Whitw washed seplucher. Open throated grave.

Wednesday

What a day! The earth shook, but not enough to lose my mind... Nabal comes in he has 'figured out' our 'date night' I couldn't care less because I don't have any interest in going. He was trying to kiss me. Just making my face wet is all I felt. He wanted to play a guessing game. He announces, "We'll get a hotel room and you and me will (insert big smile)" I told him to go if he wanted, but I was not. He pretended he didn't hear me. He kept up with the slobbery kiss attempts until I could push him away. As he was leaving I heard him say, "I'm gonna get you back." Not in any loving way, but like a project. A thing someone has taken from him. His battle is with himself. We have barely talked in 3 years. I was disrespected for 2+ of those years. My children for many more. And his version of an, unwanted, date is to go hop in bed? I guess this is the sexual dominance (attempts) I read about. Somehow he's thinking that's the magic bullet. (pun intended)

I would be worried about how to get out of this weekend, but Irene approaches! Gotta be here to bail water :) and it'll bail me out! And I'm getting very good at saying no. Now all I need is the cash coming in... I just know Nabal will not leave without a fight. He's not fighting for us. That I know better than anything else. He is fighting not to lose a possession. Plain and simple, but I have come to realize I'm my own possession, no man's toy.

Tuesday

Last night Nabal was super drunk and asked if there was anymore relationship left between us. I hate talking to drunks but finally had to say no. He than asked if that meant that he could leave any time he wanted. I told him he had always been free to do that. This morning he is being very solicitious. We are really past a few 'I love yous' glossing over our problems. Last night he said that he'd said he wanted to leave but then said he was staying. I told him he'd said he was leaving one to many times, and that the multitude of times he had threatened to leave couldn't be covered over by his now changed mind. First off to me he's capricious, any time he gets upset, drunk, controlling or whatever! He says he's leaving. His reply was that I'm believing what I want to believe. I guess he's right. He goes girl hopping and when none of them are interested he comes home. A few women would be happy, I'm not one of them. Way too much water under the bridge. Too many lies, too many intentional hurts, too many reports from kids confirming suspiscions. Now he trying the insistant Romeo route. He made the proclimation when he left the house, "We will sleep together tonight. Tonight." He's trying to force kisses on me. I have to step my game up. I can't play reverse psychology here. I'm not willingly sleeping with Nabal again. I know what he was up to and he can go be with whoever. I'm oddly not indignant, nor am I mad. I'm just tired of his games, his head games. Nabal has no regard for anyone's feelings, just manipulating those around him for whatever rational he has in his mind. I'm tired of being broke because he doesn't have a clue how to handle money. I'm tired of his feeling he has to tear every one of us down to get his way. This is a man who when I'm agreeable he has to hurt because that's the way he gets fast reactions. Now he realizes he's overstepped himself and pushed too hard. We all got far enough away from the chaos to see it for what it is. He rules by dividing, by knocking down a person's esteem, by keeping everyone off kilter so no one thinks clearly. It is a daily fight to keep my head straight. Some days I think I'm being over dramatic, until I see him trying to block me from working or suggesting what I should be doing that has nothing to do with what I've studied. He throws around the ILYs but all they are to me are I need you to do things I can't or don't want to do for myself. They mean I went looking for love and no one wanted me so make me feel better. I know you are always there. I know deep down, ad not that deep mind you, that if he was successful in finding some young thing or Isela comes back around he'll be off. I think also that he is trying to reel me back in so he can really drop kick me. The only draw is plainly that I don't care any more. He's now trying to make a date with me. Like a date is going to save this mess! We have had years to date, but he was out getting drunk with his buddies. I was home day and night on end raising our children. He would come home for 'family time' but I just wanted a break at that point. I would ask him to take the kids to the park and he would accuse me of never wanting to do anything as a family. He was the missing one, not me!

I knew the more I grow the more he would step up his game. And game it is. I'm beyond his hurt and he knows it. I don't trust him anymore, and am not interested in placing any more in him. I've been burned way to may times. Burn me and I may heal, burn my kids and I won't. I knew that when I finally got tired of his treatment and said fine you get your way, what you want to be free of people who don't make him happy seemingly that he wouldn't go. It's the fun of the reaction for him. He once berated me for not falling to pieces. To him if you don't fall to pieces it means you don't care. But I realize that is just his trying to control feelings and reactions to his satisfaction. Whenever he pokes and pinches, tries to kiss steal or hug I do get uncomfortable, he accuses me of being mad and laughs. In his world when people are mad they laugh and push them to get madder. I knew whatever I decided he would go the opposite direction. Once I have seen, I can not un-see. I can't in all sanity put in another 5 or 10 years of before he finally finds his piece of tail and just walks, Anything else will be playing pretend. He'd like that. The abuse, the mind f**ks, the undermining of anything I do, the racial slurs, the lying, the other women all equal up to unforgivable.

Breaking his neck to go out Saturday... Maybe we do need to talk while he's sober so it can all be out in the open. Maybe it's time. He expects a dinner in a nice restaurant to lead me back to the bedroom (which he thinks will magically gloss over everything, or bring my amnesia back. HA!) Minimal effort for maximum return... where were the dinners over the last 20 years? Never thought to do anything but complain. He did want to go dancing, but only at the wild drunk Mexican dance hall where there were always fights. I don't know how to dance like that and he never wanted to teach me. I'm not a good dancer and don't like being laughed at. It's not fun nor is it fun being with him and having him want to fight someone he assumes was looking at me. Also he was so busy the last time we went out looking at all the other asses shake!

Saturday A.M.

Nabal is so plowed. He went to church. They have a new pastor, a woman. Now Nabal is mad he turned the church over to their mother english church. He still wants to run the church... But now with the new pastor. Little does he know the new woman knows about the last pastors domestic abuse, and is in fact staying at their house. She also knows there is something about Nabal that is not right. She knows I am somehow identify with the old pastors wife. This woman was one of the old pastor's teachers.

Nabal isn't just drunk, he is creeping my daughter and her friends out. They were on the back porch. He goes out and decides to make a fire. It rained all day, so he's using gas. Scared the girls because he kept pouring it on whenever the fire died down. They came inside. He came inside too. Evidently was looking for something but was being odd enough to creep them out so they went down the street to another girlfriend's house down the street. They returned, because they didn't tell me they were going. Our girl pulls me aside to tell me Nabal was trying to come on to their friend. She's a senior, our girl told Nabal she was 12. God help me be self sufficient soon. He's definitely getting worse. He may be getting dangerous.

Friday

It's been better. A little. I sleep in the basement and Nabal has our old room. He's still trying to sweet talk me back in, but I can't lie I'm plainly done. And when he tries to order me back in, it reminds me why I'm done. I'm so tired of being tirea and confused. I'm just the maid, and I like it! I feed him, collect his dishes from wherever he's set them, wash clothes, put them away, change his sheets, do the bills, I even talk to him when he talks to me. He still tries the touchy stuff. It just feels like he's trying to possess property... Still coming in holding his arms out and says, "Give me a kiss!" or "Give me a hug!" Again I didn't treat him like dirt, I didn't meet someone at a motel, or get caught, or try and lie my way out of it. I didn't up till now ignore him and make him feel unwanted for 2 years. I didn't hurt our children by using drugs and being drunk daily in front of them. I didn't abuse my family. I didn't threaten to leave repeatedly, in fact not at all. I'm not playing games. When I say leave I'm going to mean it. So, why do I have to give anything except respect due another human. He's still drinking about every other day. His texting is creeping back up I really hope he can pull it off with Isela. That way he will maybe not turn into the possesive stalker guy who after he has torn apart and tried to destroy now doesn't actually want to let go of. We, his wife and kids are the mice. He is the cat who tortures and plays.

He decided I'd fallen down on my job. The kids rooms were catastrophys. You have to understand that the kids know that if I say anything they get dad on their side or have a melt down which they know I'll leave alone because he'll over react. Plus he was trying to make me feel responsible. He asks about why they are not clean. I was actually planning this weekend to get them going using the back to school speech. He says we are from two worlds and his room was never like that. I told him that's because his mom cleaned it. That shut him up. Our boy wanted to know when he had a room to himself. The kids had started cleaning some before he started in.

I'm so looking forward to working and I have been looking for a partner to work with for the company. I just want to get all these bills paid off. Sell this rental house. Take over these bills and he can go wherever he chooses. Except stay here. I want to rent this house and get out of this town. I want to be near family and friends again.

Wednesday

Nabal won't eat leftovers. He cooked today. Our girl told me he put beer in her food. I thought he'd used it to cook. Nope! He poured beer in her's after it was cooked. I tasted hers and the rest and hers had beer. He told her he was trying to add some flavor... What the hell is he thinking. This isn't the first time he's tried to corrupt her. I'm wondering if it's because he can't take her with him the way he does our son. It's like he wants to see them fail. I see it a lot in his family, they say they want each other to achieve, and yell when they screw off, but they actively put obsracles in each others way. Then they gloat.

He's drunk... as usual. It's a very stressful time for him but this started before that and in good times. Everything just keeps piling on. I'll be glad when the kids are in school. I can work full time then. Get out of my depression.

Tuesday

Another day preaching followed by drunkeness and weed. So today he gets into a heated argument with our girl. He tells her that her birthday is this week. I was dead tired and asleep in the basement when I knew he was drunk. He brought our girl down to tell her how he was going to have a party for her. Yeah invite your friends over so your drunk and wasted dad can show off... The argument was he said the 4th and she said the 5th. He was trying to get her to say it was the 4th. It's her birthday!!!!

He's now into FaceBook... Ms. Isela is a friend. Lots of pics with her husband. Really, he's free to go be with her. I do wish them well. I hope he finds support from his old friends to leave, as I am from mine.

I realized today that he has been using information as a way to confuse me. I have to pull teeth to get information for company paperwork. Today I was looking for problems and saw them. I have to ask for every detail and he would make it sound like I was stupid for asking. This is a bill that a client asked to break down to present to a government body for approval and there is no guarantee they will pay what is asked. I wasn't on the job with him, but I do know construction very well. It's a ploy he has used for years for things like filling out insurance papers for other Hispanics to our own bills we send out. Instead of giving full details he doles them out in a patronizing way.