It's kinda sad when you son text you excited that Nabal chose a Life Water over beer and liked it at 7:00 and by 11 beer was flowing. Poor man just can't stop himself. I guess he realized I changed the call back number closer to his number. He finally texted me. Gas lighting is no fun, nor is being passive aggressive. Almost 6 months in school, almost half over... I've just got to escape with my sanity, and hopefully my home. God help me.
I was reading some on how people involved in infidelity engage in gas lighting to have their cake and eat it too. How much more an alcoholic involved in infidelity. I'm gaining strength. I'm growing again. I was strong. Where did it go? Why did I let it happen. I know I have issues and I need to deal with them, grieve them and leave them behind. I want so to just be free again. To not have to pretend. To reclaim my life. Long ago Nabal and I had a future, but slowly that vision faded. I can not envision growing old like this. I like people and Nabal likes different people. He choses people that he can control and despises those he can not. He is a shallow little man. I once thought, "He is 10 ft. tall and old and wise. He has succumbed to his childhood, like it was his destiny. Maybe it is... Maybe it was all a mirage I invented. Maybe, no probably he has been who he is all along and I tried to see the good and he believed my dream until he saw reality.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Tuesday
What do I do??? Nabal has been away and our son tells me Nabal and the grow ups are continuing their drinking on down there. Nabal text to his hearts content. While he was back he was asking me about us going away with him. Why is he making such an effort? I as usual looked over his phone when he got in and it was clean. I expected as much. He did forget one place, and it showed that he is using *67 to call someone. I know a private number has been coming into his phone for months and now I guess they are going out. I know it's local. not long distance. He must have been interrupted while dialing. So I private dialed him and he answered in his 'I'm being sexy voice.' So who is he calling that he needs to be private? Maybe I'll luck up and he'll get caught by someone else's man. That would be justice! To me he is such a fraud. I guess that's the alcohol talking. One day I believe all the dirt will be uncovered, he's to careless. He thinks he's pretty slick and that he's smarter than anyone else. And this will be his undoing.
They're off again, and the house looks like a tornado went through.
They're off again, and the house looks like a tornado went through.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Friday
Nabal has been out of town on a job since Wednesday and my girl and I have had a nice peaceful week. Nabal calls about twice a day; sometimes sober, sometimes drunk. I realized a few years ago when he visiting his family and I could not go that I no longer missed him. I think the comments meant to knock my confidence, his way of keeping me close to him emotionally, made me distance myself from him emotionally.
Sunday was the last day he really tied one on. (in town) His stomach hurt after he ate a dinner his church had for Father's Day. He left and came back with a beer. Said he was trying to settle his stomach. He was also trying to figure out how he was going to set up the church... So, four of five 24oz's later he passed out in his truck in the driveway. He woke up at about 1:30 hungry. The kids wanted to take him out for dinner earlier when his stomach was upset. Another special day screwed up by alcohol.
They come home tomorrow, then out for another week. I wonder if he can contain himself for the 2 days he will be home. I wonder what my boy has witnessed. He has an older friend with him who also grew up with an alcoholic, but he hasn't seen in years. This boy can't abide a drunk. Maybe he will help my boy to cope better. No electric so phones are dead. Well, all except Nabal's...
Was looking at a commentary on 1Samuel 25 and on the part of Nabal's drunken feast the comment asked the question whether it was proper for the master to set such an example. I keep thinking of the Protege that he first took to church, who looks up to him. And now he has lead into becoming a drunkard. Also he being a leader in his church, where Timothy says that church leaders should not be drunks!
Sunday was the last day he really tied one on. (in town) His stomach hurt after he ate a dinner his church had for Father's Day. He left and came back with a beer. Said he was trying to settle his stomach. He was also trying to figure out how he was going to set up the church... So, four of five 24oz's later he passed out in his truck in the driveway. He woke up at about 1:30 hungry. The kids wanted to take him out for dinner earlier when his stomach was upset. Another special day screwed up by alcohol.
They come home tomorrow, then out for another week. I wonder if he can contain himself for the 2 days he will be home. I wonder what my boy has witnessed. He has an older friend with him who also grew up with an alcoholic, but he hasn't seen in years. This boy can't abide a drunk. Maybe he will help my boy to cope better. No electric so phones are dead. Well, all except Nabal's...
Was looking at a commentary on 1Samuel 25 and on the part of Nabal's drunken feast the comment asked the question whether it was proper for the master to set such an example. I keep thinking of the Protege that he first took to church, who looks up to him. And now he has lead into becoming a drunkard. Also he being a leader in his church, where Timothy says that church leaders should not be drunks!
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Saturday
All quiet on the western front. Nabal has been pretty good since his last fiasco. He's not been working much this week.
Each time I catch him at something though, I care a little less. Now he's trying to pretend nothing happened. Healing is not a word in his vocabulary. I know him all to well, when I bring up any hurt he has done he just brushes it off. Basically a P.P., personal problem, ie. not his problem. If he doesn't handle things he's going to lose all of us. Maybe when he reaches the point beyond pride and gets help.
Each time I catch him at something though, I care a little less. Now he's trying to pretend nothing happened. Healing is not a word in his vocabulary. I know him all to well, when I bring up any hurt he has done he just brushes it off. Basically a P.P., personal problem, ie. not his problem. If he doesn't handle things he's going to lose all of us. Maybe when he reaches the point beyond pride and gets help.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Early Thursday
So, Nabal was sick in the early hours of the morning. Around 5am he said, "Oh no" sprang from the bed and bypassed the bathroom not 10 ft. away and went all the way downstairs. When he returned he was restless and reeked of alcohol. I asked him why he had gone all the way downstairs and he replied, "I like the bathroom downstairs better." Not sure what went on. But I could hear that he was in some pain.
Wednesday
Old Nabal is up to his games again... Another picture of Ms. Denver; that makes 3 in 5 days..hmm... He is back to texting motel/shell girl. Now claims that number is the Protege's girlfriend who just happens to work in the same place. "Oh, do they share a phone?" So get this- he was so drunk that he tried to convince me that a Spanish girl texted a Spanish guy (who speaks very very limited English) in English. A very long text at that. "Yesterday you called me a chicken and my son got into my phone while I was in the shower. When I got out he said someone called you a chicken and everybody laughed" Yeah, right.
When does an alcoholic lie? When they are moving their lips!!!
He was drinking from the time I went to school at 6pm till 12:30 at night.
What I really resent is that Nabal is trying to make me think that my memory is faulty. He is trying to make me think that what I know is not reality. But at least I know... He's pathetic. He says about all these women. "You don't know what's going on! They are all just friends. If only I was so lucky to get pretty girls all my life." Well thanks! Jerk! He even tried to tell me that when I caught his truck in the hotel parking lot and moved it that he was actually about a mile away and had only parked the truck there. Also the girl never showed up. Why I hate talking to drunks. They talk all over themselves. And it just shows the depth of selfishness that he would try to screw with my head so he could continue killing himself and flirting (or whatever it is he is doing)
Well I got more evidence stashed away. Gosh I hate being stuck!
When does an alcoholic lie? When they are moving their lips!!!
He was drinking from the time I went to school at 6pm till 12:30 at night.
What I really resent is that Nabal is trying to make me think that my memory is faulty. He is trying to make me think that what I know is not reality. But at least I know... He's pathetic. He says about all these women. "You don't know what's going on! They are all just friends. If only I was so lucky to get pretty girls all my life." Well thanks! Jerk! He even tried to tell me that when I caught his truck in the hotel parking lot and moved it that he was actually about a mile away and had only parked the truck there. Also the girl never showed up. Why I hate talking to drunks. They talk all over themselves. And it just shows the depth of selfishness that he would try to screw with my head so he could continue killing himself and flirting (or whatever it is he is doing)
Well I got more evidence stashed away. Gosh I hate being stuck!
Monday, June 14, 2010
Monday Alllll Day Long
Well, Nabal has moved his phone. He has moved it to the top of the book case and covered it with a dish towel... Nope, I'm not gonna notice that! He has his pictures of the chick from Denver, and has been texting up a storm. The kids must have come in on him or either he was nervous texting in church- lot of drafts. Yes this is the phone that the buttons don't work. "Estoy un poco mal tratado, pero..." "I promis.." "I will" So tonight he was being sooo nice and asking if I needed help in some little boy voice. I think thedrugs and alcohol have made his brain swiss! Then he sent me 2 texts while I was in class. (O00h, that's when he got caught, he texts me to cover in case anyone calls him on it) And looks like he can hardly spell, and they were duplicates. He is such a prick! Little dirt bag. He is really in hate territory. He is trying to make me put him out so he can cry and get sympathy from all his little women. They are all friends and he is playing them all the same way. I do think he is coming to believe that I am as stupid as they are. Don't get me wrong- I am stupid, just not quite that stupid. The worse- he is doing all this in plain sight of the kids...
Monday
Well, Nabal had a wonderful weekend. He went to a revival, everyone thinks he is pastor of his church, he laid a trip on us that if we didn't help him and support him in building his church it would fail, he got so hungry after church that he drank, he now has 2 pictures on his phone sent to him by some woman out in Denver that he has marked CM on his phone. Both photos are accompanied by cute little love songs... Oh yeah, when I was coming out of prayer I caught him coming out of the gas station where the girl he was caught in the motel with works and he was calling her last night. He is such a busy boy! Funny- he went to sleep with his phone under his pillow. So in the middle of the night I found it! Uploaded photos and now they are posted on my alter ego facebook. Just happened to check the calls log. Seems the shell girl was unavailable. Oh Lord, please let this all hang together until I can carry the financial burden.
I looked at one of the 'Jillian Michaels Moves In' shows last night and realized i, we are that family. That family lost husband and father in death- we lost ours to alcohol. We have given up, lost all hope. Our life, our frustrations, and our home reflects it. I have to get my fight back! If I don't no one will and we will all be floundering around until Nabal drinks himself to death or leaves for a 'better woman' I've got to want more and better for my children.
He is such a liar- this morning (from about 4 am on) Nabal was searching for his phone. In the middle of the night he lied and said he had a stomach ache and that's why he was so restless. He was trying to search under the bed in the dark. LOL! I told him to pray and God would help him find the phone. (I really do that and God is faithful in the small things.) Boy was he annoyed- he knew why he hid the phone and God was not going to help with his dishonesty. We tried calling it, it was on vibrate and it took him forever to find it under all the covers. He had to delete the call log entries, and he was waiting for his return call from 825-6728. He is also talking to a desperate little woman who has problems with a disobedient daughter. He is gonna overstep somewhere, I hope he will listen to the Spirit and turn but he seems to think he has special dispensation from God and can do as he pleases. Nabal, tragic figure whether in the Bible or in real life.
I looked at one of the 'Jillian Michaels Moves In' shows last night and realized i, we are that family. That family lost husband and father in death- we lost ours to alcohol. We have given up, lost all hope. Our life, our frustrations, and our home reflects it. I have to get my fight back! If I don't no one will and we will all be floundering around until Nabal drinks himself to death or leaves for a 'better woman' I've got to want more and better for my children.
He is such a liar- this morning (from about 4 am on) Nabal was searching for his phone. In the middle of the night he lied and said he had a stomach ache and that's why he was so restless. He was trying to search under the bed in the dark. LOL! I told him to pray and God would help him find the phone. (I really do that and God is faithful in the small things.) Boy was he annoyed- he knew why he hid the phone and God was not going to help with his dishonesty. We tried calling it, it was on vibrate and it took him forever to find it under all the covers. He had to delete the call log entries, and he was waiting for his return call from 825-6728. He is also talking to a desperate little woman who has problems with a disobedient daughter. He is gonna overstep somewhere, I hope he will listen to the Spirit and turn but he seems to think he has special dispensation from God and can do as he pleases. Nabal, tragic figure whether in the Bible or in real life.
Friday, June 11, 2010
Friday
Nabal has been off and on this week. He lost his stash and his mother's number. He is not a happy camper... He is home, I am thankful for that. He is moody and kinda hyper vigilant. Always double checking me, like how did we survive while he was emotionally absent this last year. The kids are both out of school now and I'm trying to get our boy to find a summer job. He's still got so much anger stored up and he's socially scared. He still sees the counselor... He likes the Doc, and I hope it is doing him a world of good.
Nabal came in about noon- watched soccer and left. Not a word to me. One of the guys that works for him told our boy that Nabal just told everyone he was tired of working so they were knocking off. The guys wanted to keep working, Nabal said no. The guy talking to our boy already has another seasonal job lined up and our boy is going to work with him. I'm happy he won't have to work with Nabal and be around his father acting badly. He is going to be shocked by the pay checks though!
Nabal came in about noon- watched soccer and left. Not a word to me. One of the guys that works for him told our boy that Nabal just told everyone he was tired of working so they were knocking off. The guys wanted to keep working, Nabal said no. The guy talking to our boy already has another seasonal job lined up and our boy is going to work with him. I'm happy he won't have to work with Nabal and be around his father acting badly. He is going to be shocked by the pay checks though!
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Little Things
11:30 pm I passed the living room and the TV was on and no Nabal. He wasn't in the bathroom or bedroom, not downstairs; maybe in the back. He was watching a soccer game drinking his beer when I got in from school. He had bible study- the one he teaches... I happened to look out the front door and his truck was gone. He had gone off and left the front door wide open and screen door unlocked... I have awakened at 3 in the morning before and found all the doors open and/or unlocked. We live in the city, and not in the best neighborhood. One of the times I got on him about not locking the doors he said. "Who's going to come in here? No one. Nobody around here does anything like that." I could with all truthfulness tell him that a block over a man had walked into a home (came in through an unlocked screen door) and held them up at gunpoint the night before. He looked confused, just didn't know what to say and walked away. Unfortunately it has not stopped him from leaving doors unlocked all hours of the day and night.
He went out to get another beer and guzzled it down in his truck... Priorities- well they're clear.
He went out to get another beer and guzzled it down in his truck... Priorities- well they're clear.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Tuesday June 8, 2010
I think we are all just tired. School is almost out. Our boy needs to get a job for the summer. Nabal has really been trying to cut down on his drinking. He is an alcoholic trying to make it on his own... I really wonder if he is really guilty of everything it looks like he is guilty of or if he is a victim of circumstance... He does such odd things. Last night Nabal was across the street talking to his buddies, he'd come back after disappearing while I was at school, when our boy went over to get something Nabal ran around their house. He was on the phone- not sure if it was his phone, or the Protégé's. If it looks like a duck... Drug deal or girlfriend?
Nabal left his phone across the street Sunday night. I had to pick him up today and his phone was acting up. "Stupid phone doesn't charge right. I charge it all night and it doesn't hold." I just looked at him, said something about it being a new battery and he again said he had charged it- in our house- was adamant it was in our house- all night. He may have gone to sleep drunk, but he woke up to as close to sober as he can get right now. His phone was not in our house charging! Why wouldn't he just say that he hadn't charged it. Everybody forgets to charge their phone now and then. What would have been the big deal in that. I wasn't questioning him. It seems that these days he will lie about any small thing- so what about the big things that really matter. Alanon is certainly true- "How can you tell if an alcoholic is lying? Their lips are moving..." This was one of the most honest men I knew at one time. A very real picture of how alcohol changes a person- they are not who they were... We all mourn that person who was.
Nabal left his phone across the street Sunday night. I had to pick him up today and his phone was acting up. "Stupid phone doesn't charge right. I charge it all night and it doesn't hold." I just looked at him, said something about it being a new battery and he again said he had charged it- in our house- was adamant it was in our house- all night. He may have gone to sleep drunk, but he woke up to as close to sober as he can get right now. His phone was not in our house charging! Why wouldn't he just say that he hadn't charged it. Everybody forgets to charge their phone now and then. What would have been the big deal in that. I wasn't questioning him. It seems that these days he will lie about any small thing- so what about the big things that really matter. Alanon is certainly true- "How can you tell if an alcoholic is lying? Their lips are moving..." This was one of the most honest men I knew at one time. A very real picture of how alcohol changes a person- they are not who they were... We all mourn that person who was.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Sunday
So Nabal has been somewhat of a pill all weekend. He is back in the house and watching over us like we need constant supervision. He's being very grabby too. Just frozen in time, that's where we've been for him. There is no thing called romance in his books, in fact he prides himself on not being one. Fine... He just wants dessert. I don't have to like it. And he talks with a baby voice using baby words. Ok, this is a real turn off to me. He must think this is sexy...
I'm not sure what he has been telling all the folks at his church. They're all acting odd, talking about the children and I falling in love with him all over again... He got on some soap box about the church's need to help alcoholics.... He wants to start a group at church for alcoholics- run by him. He has said this to me before and to our kids, but now he's going public! He explained how alcoholism kills. By the time I got back from prayer he was in the car with the Mariachi music blasting that was about 8 pm. He kept driving away and coming back. He finally stumbled in about 12am. And I do mean stumble. I guess it was his first counseling session, he was drinking with the protege... The fellow he was drinking with Friday night wasn't at church today. First time he has missed in a long time... I know this is mean spirited, but, maybe he wants to enlarge his circle of drinking buddies. Kinda like letting the fox guard the hen house!
I revisited 1Samuel 25 today. I really need to pray like Abigail interceded for her household, just before David was going to kill all the men. Our children are being torn down and I'm looking at Nabal's world to come down on all our ears. Odd- after Abigail interceded and saved the innocent men of the household- and Nabal. She returned to find a drunk Nabal- partying away without a care in the world... oblivious. The one thing I did notice is that Abigail was under no illusion as to who she was married to and called it like it was. Another thing is that their servant called him worthless- Abigail never disputed him... Had they all lost respect or in stating a fact was that even an issue?
Nabal has so much pride- he actually does believe that he has no problem and that he can help others with their alcoholism because he is a active functional drunk. Denial at it'd headiest...
I'm not sure what he has been telling all the folks at his church. They're all acting odd, talking about the children and I falling in love with him all over again... He got on some soap box about the church's need to help alcoholics.... He wants to start a group at church for alcoholics- run by him. He has said this to me before and to our kids, but now he's going public! He explained how alcoholism kills. By the time I got back from prayer he was in the car with the Mariachi music blasting that was about 8 pm. He kept driving away and coming back. He finally stumbled in about 12am. And I do mean stumble. I guess it was his first counseling session, he was drinking with the protege... The fellow he was drinking with Friday night wasn't at church today. First time he has missed in a long time... I know this is mean spirited, but, maybe he wants to enlarge his circle of drinking buddies. Kinda like letting the fox guard the hen house!
I revisited 1Samuel 25 today. I really need to pray like Abigail interceded for her household, just before David was going to kill all the men. Our children are being torn down and I'm looking at Nabal's world to come down on all our ears. Odd- after Abigail interceded and saved the innocent men of the household- and Nabal. She returned to find a drunk Nabal- partying away without a care in the world... oblivious. The one thing I did notice is that Abigail was under no illusion as to who she was married to and called it like it was. Another thing is that their servant called him worthless- Abigail never disputed him... Had they all lost respect or in stating a fact was that even an issue?
Nabal has so much pride- he actually does believe that he has no problem and that he can help others with their alcoholism because he is a active functional drunk. Denial at it'd headiest...
Saturday, June 5, 2010
June 5, 2010
So Nabal was short fused today. I know it's been a rough week for him. He has only had a few beers and a lot of bad money news...
He said someone said he should be the pastor of his church. He actually looked like he was considering. He has no command of the Bible whatsoever and drinks like a fish. God will have to sort this one out...
I got home last night and our girl told me Nabal had been home for 30 minutes, but had not come out of the church van. Our boy's friend needed a ride home and he drove them. When they got back they told me he was drinking. None of them knew until they got close to him and could smell him. To clarify- Nabal sat in the church van for a total of 3.5 hours drinking on and off with a young fellow he takes to church. Nabal drove several teenagers somewhere towards the end of all this- probably legally intoxicated.
He said someone said he should be the pastor of his church. He actually looked like he was considering. He has no command of the Bible whatsoever and drinks like a fish. God will have to sort this one out...
I got home last night and our girl told me Nabal had been home for 30 minutes, but had not come out of the church van. Our boy's friend needed a ride home and he drove them. When they got back they told me he was drinking. None of them knew until they got close to him and could smell him. To clarify- Nabal sat in the church van for a total of 3.5 hours drinking on and off with a young fellow he takes to church. Nabal drove several teenagers somewhere towards the end of all this- probably legally intoxicated.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Wednesday June 2, 2010
Nabal made it through yesterday without drinking! I'm such a reactionist... It is the normal day that he doesn't drink. So I hope it carries over. He may be able to stick with this since his stomach is giving him trouble. We'll see where the week goes.
Last night he was back into the around the house husband role. He has been gone for so long it is strange. We have had to learn to carry on, filled the vacuum. He seems to want to come back into a stage frozen in time- he went off stage to play another scene, and now walks back in where he left. All characters coming out of suspension without knowledge of what has been going on- to fall back into step. But even though Shakespeare said, "All the world's a stage..." life doesn't have a hold button. We have all moved on, cauterized wounds that hurt to much to leave be. He called and talked to his Isela yesterday... Than when I got home he tries to have sexy talk... This after his being caught in the hotel, caught at sexting, and talking to all these women sneaking around on other people's phones, deleting specific calls from his log. He accepts his mother's drinking, abuse and infidelities all without question. So I guess he expects his family to do the same. He thinkith wrong! He bought our boy some pretty expensive boots and a belt this weekend. He was finally sober enough to remember he promised the boy these things on his birthday 3 months ago. Why does my mind wonder if he is trying to buy his way back in... Funny he was around yesterday and put his phone down without thinking. He had a pretty long conversation with Mrs. Soto and texting too. Can I see where this will go one day? I believe he will walk out the door and not look back. That is why, even being a pretty forgiving person, I don't want to get sucked back in again. Even as I am biding my time, I believe he is too. I'm going to have to become a good actress, and if he does make it out of this dark time... maybe... just maybe the act will turn to real life.
I have tried to air all this out before when he is sober, but he takes no responsibility for anything. For the leader he is, seems life and other people make him act and react in uncontrolable ways. It's either alcohol or me that are attributed to any of his bad behavior. He believes even after being caught red handed that everything should be laid to rest and just pretend nothing happened. He is apologetic for NOTHING! I forgave once and said let's move on, try to pull our marriage back together again. He agreed. A week later I discovered he was still in contact and trying to hook up again. He didn't stop anything- he just went underground with his dealings I was finished. Why is he still here? I have been a stay at home mom for 16 years. I'm getting skills now to fend for my family. I know there is still codependence going on for me, and I've worked hard at losing it- I feel that after I start back to work I can't just put him out without letting him reap some of the benefit, because he was so good to me for so many years. In hind sight there were things he did that should negate these feelings. It only appeared that he was so good. He has for years let his insecurities push me away. He could never believe that I was faithful, loved him for who he was, and would never do him harm. He was always testing, keeping me off balance to keep me. Now that very thing has pushed me so far away that I don't know if I want to take the long walk back... ever. I spent all my inheritance on schooling for our kids, and for helping to start up his business, and just in general to keep us fed when things got really bad. The last bit will pay for my training.
He still has time to salvage his life. Maybe not ours, but his. He got word today that a big job he was counting on was given to another company. Lower price and more manpower were the reasons given. He is not happy, but he also has to realize that no one wants drunks on the job. And his guy, the Protege, is a sloppy drunk, who now gets up at 5am to begin his day of drinking. This answers the question of why the Protege was already drunk at 7am when they left for work a few weeks ago and when Nabal had to send him home because he was 'too drunk to work.' I had assumed he was still buzzing from the night before. The protege is better at his job than Nabal (Nabal's own confession) and maybe the work is getting sloppy too... His company vehicles are falling apart- his luck has changed, and I guess mine has too.
I have wanted to move for years, and now more than ever. The whole neighborhood is nothing but drunks and druggies! There are always problems- police problems, fighting in the street problems, drunken women problems, problems, problems, problems. Hell, we have become the people I used to call the police on for fighting and making so much noise in the middle of the night. We have become the people Nabal would get so angry at for waking him up and he would sneer at them and thought them contemptible... And now it's summer- the time when all these problems come out from behind closed doors. Last summer my kids were here for the show of a very drunk woman parading up and down the street in a shirt and underwear after she had a fight with her boyfriend and he threw her out. This was a nice place when we moved in... then all the old folks passed away... I so hate to let the property go, my family has been on this street for over 100 years when it was an in-town farm. But money never sticks to Nabal, and now he and his friends drink it up or it goes to fix the things they break when they are drunk.
Last night he was back into the around the house husband role. He has been gone for so long it is strange. We have had to learn to carry on, filled the vacuum. He seems to want to come back into a stage frozen in time- he went off stage to play another scene, and now walks back in where he left. All characters coming out of suspension without knowledge of what has been going on- to fall back into step. But even though Shakespeare said, "All the world's a stage..." life doesn't have a hold button. We have all moved on, cauterized wounds that hurt to much to leave be. He called and talked to his Isela yesterday... Than when I got home he tries to have sexy talk... This after his being caught in the hotel, caught at sexting, and talking to all these women sneaking around on other people's phones, deleting specific calls from his log. He accepts his mother's drinking, abuse and infidelities all without question. So I guess he expects his family to do the same. He thinkith wrong! He bought our boy some pretty expensive boots and a belt this weekend. He was finally sober enough to remember he promised the boy these things on his birthday 3 months ago. Why does my mind wonder if he is trying to buy his way back in... Funny he was around yesterday and put his phone down without thinking. He had a pretty long conversation with Mrs. Soto and texting too. Can I see where this will go one day? I believe he will walk out the door and not look back. That is why, even being a pretty forgiving person, I don't want to get sucked back in again. Even as I am biding my time, I believe he is too. I'm going to have to become a good actress, and if he does make it out of this dark time... maybe... just maybe the act will turn to real life.
I have tried to air all this out before when he is sober, but he takes no responsibility for anything. For the leader he is, seems life and other people make him act and react in uncontrolable ways. It's either alcohol or me that are attributed to any of his bad behavior. He believes even after being caught red handed that everything should be laid to rest and just pretend nothing happened. He is apologetic for NOTHING! I forgave once and said let's move on, try to pull our marriage back together again. He agreed. A week later I discovered he was still in contact and trying to hook up again. He didn't stop anything- he just went underground with his dealings I was finished. Why is he still here? I have been a stay at home mom for 16 years. I'm getting skills now to fend for my family. I know there is still codependence going on for me, and I've worked hard at losing it- I feel that after I start back to work I can't just put him out without letting him reap some of the benefit, because he was so good to me for so many years. In hind sight there were things he did that should negate these feelings. It only appeared that he was so good. He has for years let his insecurities push me away. He could never believe that I was faithful, loved him for who he was, and would never do him harm. He was always testing, keeping me off balance to keep me. Now that very thing has pushed me so far away that I don't know if I want to take the long walk back... ever. I spent all my inheritance on schooling for our kids, and for helping to start up his business, and just in general to keep us fed when things got really bad. The last bit will pay for my training.
He still has time to salvage his life. Maybe not ours, but his. He got word today that a big job he was counting on was given to another company. Lower price and more manpower were the reasons given. He is not happy, but he also has to realize that no one wants drunks on the job. And his guy, the Protege, is a sloppy drunk, who now gets up at 5am to begin his day of drinking. This answers the question of why the Protege was already drunk at 7am when they left for work a few weeks ago and when Nabal had to send him home because he was 'too drunk to work.' I had assumed he was still buzzing from the night before. The protege is better at his job than Nabal (Nabal's own confession) and maybe the work is getting sloppy too... His company vehicles are falling apart- his luck has changed, and I guess mine has too.
I have wanted to move for years, and now more than ever. The whole neighborhood is nothing but drunks and druggies! There are always problems- police problems, fighting in the street problems, drunken women problems, problems, problems, problems. Hell, we have become the people I used to call the police on for fighting and making so much noise in the middle of the night. We have become the people Nabal would get so angry at for waking him up and he would sneer at them and thought them contemptible... And now it's summer- the time when all these problems come out from behind closed doors. Last summer my kids were here for the show of a very drunk woman parading up and down the street in a shirt and underwear after she had a fight with her boyfriend and he threw her out. This was a nice place when we moved in... then all the old folks passed away... I so hate to let the property go, my family has been on this street for over 100 years when it was an in-town farm. But money never sticks to Nabal, and now he and his friends drink it up or it goes to fix the things they break when they are drunk.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Only a Few Drinks
By the end of the night he did drink... At lest not much. Our boy said he heard Nabal say to his drinking protege that he shouldn't drink, and when the young man complained of the pain he has when he doesn't drink, Nabal told him to, " take it like a man- look at me. You just got to take the pain like a man and not drink." See how far these guys are gone. Our boy also told that Nabal now keeps the protege's phone in his truck. On noticing our boy saw the phone he got mad. Like it would have been a crime for the guy to leave his phone in Nabal's truck. Well... Nabal starts erasing text messages! Like a teenager is not going to notice or not realize what he was doing. Our boys phone died so he starts using the protégé's. Nabal was not happy- "What are you doing." (realize Nabal pays for the protege's phone as it is on his line) Once boy told him this phone was broken Nabal let it alone. Even he could see that it would have been too obvious. Our boy read some of the sent text- 'Are you home' Protege speaks little English and writes even less.
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