So many ask this puzzling question. The whole Pistorius trial, verdict, and new admissions from his girlfriend's mother force my hand to write. She was leaving. He killed her. In domestic violence statistics, 75% of deaths happen when the victim tries to end the relationship or leave.
In my area there have been two deaths related to domestic violence within a month of one another. The first- murder suicide involving the wife and three daughters murdered and the husband committing suicide once he concluded. The next- a wife murdered.
I think back to the family methodically murdered all because the woman's sister did leave an abusive marriage. The husband wanted to know her whereabouts. Did he want to send her her things? Probably wanted to bring her back or kill her if she wouldn't.
Do you realize that as far back as the early 80's shelters forbid victims telling their families their location? Not because they thought family would turn on them. They knew these abusers would threaten and intimidate to find their victim.
I had friends who worked at shelters. They told stories of holding off abusers outside of shelters until the police got there. They were there to take their property back where it belonged.
A friend I finally told the extent of my fears told me of a woman she once worked with. Many moons ago she worked at a factory. They had an odd woman who worked with them- always the first out, sometimes she looked roughed up but she kept to herself and no one knew her well. She never attended office parties, leaving hurriedly at quitting time. One day she, not realizing it was not a work day, came in on some social day. She finally talked. Telling everyone what her home life was- her husbands drove her to, and picked her up from work. If she were a minute late, she was harranged and beaten. He threatened her about making friends of any sort. That old echo came forward: Why don't you leave? Her reply was that her husband told her often that if she even looked like she wanted to leave...he'd kill their children.
Her coworkers became true friends. They made sure she got out on time each and every day. One day her husband had done sort of accident and was hospitalized. She took her opportunity and escaped with her children. The husband came around questioning everyone, but she moved to another part of the country.
A friends husband was in his 40's confronted by the mother who abandoned him. It was his farther's funeral. He had never spoken of her. Did not want to hear anything his sisters had to say about her. At this, his father's funeral, his sister was insistent. The woman cried telling him how she had escaped and could only save herself. She didn't worry for his safety because he was the apple of his father's eye, but the man had tried to kill her on two occasions. The final time pushing her down a flight of steps, then complained that she wouldn't die. He told her he would try again. He finally understood and healed that which was broken inside.
I saw comments following the deaths of the local women. Why didn't she just leave? She could have saved herself by leaving. Stop treating these women as victims! Stop telling them they are victims! If they would just grow a pair and stand up to these men... My mom stayed and made my life hell. She left after I left the house. Why did she wait so long? I hate my mother for staying and putting up with that crap.
I feel for any kid raised with this... They don't know. The abuser usually doesn't tell the kids they will kill them if mommy doesn't behave... Divide and conquer is their motto. Everyone had to hate or see the victim as a fool or crazy. You're eating out of their hand. You're their ally.
Why doesn't she just leave? That gut level feeling that tells you there will be no letting go. No calmly accepting reality. Remember, they have a different reality than you or I. That gut level feeling, verified by remembrances, small flashes...promises, that your going would 'force' the abuser to switch gears. Leave? You? No. If they decide to leave...it's their prerogative, but not you.
The woman killed by a husband who never raised a finger to her. He had 'only' emotionally and verbally abused her...until she said she was leaving.
I remember years ago needing to write a paper. I gathered information on domestic abuse. The topic choice was the necessity of a topic and to find a way to help a friend. It made my head hurt. All I could gather was that until the woman was ready, there was nothing anyone could really do. I became frustrated and scrapped the paper. Why doesn't she just leave?! I couldn't fathom it. I knew him. I knew his deeds. Whenever I met him...he was the epitome I'd charm. Lying through his teeth, he sounded so convincing. They are so very hard to read... Knowing the truth and hearing the lies...I found it terribly hard to reconcile. My gosh she was so close...how the heck could she? (did I even then see a resemblance?)
Why doesn't she leave? We fear death!
Not many walk towards death with light feet. For some there is love mixed with fear. For others love lefty when vision cleared, but fear of death...fear of pain, loss of children's lives, and back to death. Leaving can easily equal suicide mission.
Many are sure they could never be caught in such a relationship. Maybe we were already broken, maybe not. Who rushes headlong to death? No sane person.
We fear death.
