Preparing to Disappear

I've really been thinking more and more that I'm going to need to disappear. Go underground. Nabal had been using pills and cocaine. Last week I really insisted that there would never be an us again. Told him I knew what he was doing and had proof. Naked pictures of Mary asleep in some hotel, taken by him. Haggling texts to and from hookers. Craigslist conversations, him lining at women seeking men, and men seeking men. This in answer to his professions of undying love... I feel less than nothing. Then he tells me he and Mary are over- because he hit her. WTF? (Odd how he channels all his abuse towards her.) Not that I care, but she has another fellow who hits her, and she continues seeing him.

This week:
Weekend hotel room charges. He's drunk...again, says he thinks he has a nose infection. He thought it was allergies 2 weeks ago. (Hmm, allergic to cocaine maybe.)

First he talks about how much he's going to do before he goes to Mexico...for good. Then he turns to begging me to let him sleep with me. Right this very night. Again- WTF? He passed out.

He wakes, I'm playing games on my phone: What are you doing on that phone?

Me: What?

Nabal: Texting? Texting someone probably. What are you doing?

Me: That would be you. You screw anything on two legs.

Nabal: You better not get with someone else! You better not!
(Really, you just asked Mary to live with you!) Just possessions.

Me: This from the one f#*#ing anyone you can get your hands on?

He again tries to plead his love. Ask why I don't answer his text or calls. Told him I was really didn't want to. And don't you threaten me. His answer- I not threaten you. When?

Yeah, slipping away quietly if he doesn't succumb to his addictions first. I've been mentally planning and put a few things into action. I have a few friends, but when I say anything-then they get too pushy. (Well meaning, worried, but pushy) I know I've gotten quiet lately with everyone, because they ask questions. I answer, but I'm still talking about Nabal. Don't want to talk or think about Nabal.  Everyone else had gotten tired of waiting for me to move. Probably thinking I'm either weak our enjoying this crap somehow. They're gone.

Realize: When you see a woman has been killed by an abuser. I see people in general, children from abusive homes and sadly some survivors, soapbox about women needing to get some backbone and leave their abuser. Why do they stay?! Most of these women did finally get that courage and said they were leaving, or weren't going to take it anymore. That's when abusers kill. You're theirs, you can't leave. Better dead and gone, than just gone.

Masks

It's a very sad point to reach. I once assumed most people told the truth unless proven otherwise. I've come to realize, and looking back it's been for at least a year or more, I hear words from loved ones and assume they are untruths or shades of the truth unless verified. I realize I've cut myself off from a great many friends, because I'm always analyzing, always seeking these shade lies. Acquaintances? I'm not close enough to really care.

I have, what to me is an unnatural talent mixed with ineptitude. I'm horrible at spotting personal lies, yet I always catch people in them. Once I've caught them...verifying every word they speak becomes a necessity. Then I lose contact, because it's way too taxing.

Trust. My trust has been lost. I don't know if I'll ever find it again. I honestly don't trust people to honor me with the truth. I sometimes wonder what it is about me that makes feel the need to lie.

This is something I really need to work through. Living under lies for so many years...makes me sea then everywhere. Sad part is they are usually verified these days by proof. It makes me not trust anyone. Anyone. Because I can't see the true face. All I see are masks for the world.

The Reality Rock

And that fast...dashed against the reality rock.

It's been an odd week. Found out that a co-workers ex, one who showed all the signs of an abuser, committed violence against her. She was raised in an abusive home, her mother was physically and verbally abused by her husband. My co-worker, in her 30's, related to me once how she disliked her mother. She disliked the woman because she hadn't left. She disliked her mother's weakness. The good news is that her mother food lose her abusive husband...finally, but not soon enough to stop him damaging a new generation.

We'd spoken honestly about the co-worker's ex in that he was a classic covert manipulator. She saw herself as strong, strong enough to tell him she was through with the relationship and all that was left was their shared son. After a police involves incident last fall she asked him to move out. He tried to coerce her back into bed. He pretended to take more financial responsibility. She stuck to get guns, and in the end had to find him a new place to live because he'd done nothing towards moving out. Finally in very late spring- he moved out on his own. She, being the strong woman she is, went back to school, built her own business, worked with us, all with a baby and young child.

Here it is late summer and she moved on. Had a gentleman friend she was happy- was not manipulative, had a good career and was encouraging. Over a weekend the new beau came for a visit. His final night- my co-worker's ex broke into her house late at night, beat the new beau up and threw her around, and broke things in her house. He told her he could kill her.

In the end, she had mentioned to others that she was indeed afraid of her ex.

This upset me. She'd not mentioned it to me. I hope because she always put on the tough face to me. Wondering inside herself why I didn't just grow a pair and leave.

What really upset me was the reaction of other women! Done went on about weak women who let things happen. Because they themselves got out of bad relationships. I saw glee in some eyes, people get jealous of her financial success. They simplify, just have him arrested and he'll learn his lesson, and if she doesn't- he'll do it again. Again a woman who left, but has often wondered why her husband did not 'try harder' when she left. He'd hit her and tried to forbid her. These are all liberated women... Very liberated, yet there is no compassion, no empathy.

Nabal takes pills and now drinks alone. Last night he put on the happy face- I miss you...love you. Let's go to Mexico! I told him I didn't care to go..anywhere with him.

He looked dumbfounded. What was he to tell his family? Did I have someone else? We could just go add friends. Is it me, our my family in Mexico? I'm not messing around with anyone. He had to go to sleep, he couldn't talk to me while he was drunk.

Today he calls. Are you alone? I don't like what you said to me last night.

And what did I say last night?

You said you didn't want me any more and I don't like it. We need to talk.

What I did say last night was that I was done. After years of his behavior, why does he think I should still be there waiting for him to get better?!

Nabal- What have I done wrong? I've done nothing wrong.

So, who it's at 'fault' in his mind? My unforgiving nature, to hear him tell it. I'm making plans, but he's not letting go.

The other night my boy said he could see his father trying to track and kill me...for letting him down.

Just depressing, very depressing.

Birthday Surprise

For the last few weeks I've been thinking of giving myself the best birthday present ever. This is another landmark number, and as I'm still waiting to celebrate the last. I'm really, really hoping I don't let myself down. A few months to keep this momentum up. Well, and waiting to see if Nabal really has the clout to beat his DUI. No tolerance in our state.

Funny how we can do much for kids, but feel little is due us... This would be for all of us.