Monday

It's those little things that make the alcoholic home so mind boggling.

My girl has been sick off and on this week. Once I got into town I got a list of things she needs, and went to the store before I went home.

Deposited the necessities to her. Cleaned up the pile of dishes, and noticed the beer bottle in the paper bag in the trash. I knew, that Nabal was drunk.

I took a glass of juice to my sick girl and while I was seeing what else she needed...Nabal made his appearance. He was running around like a young child. Talking gibberish and begging attention. He told me of being sick all week himself. He said he'd emptied one and a half bottles of Nyquil that week. "So why are you drinking?" He giggled and mumbled something. Said it wasn't a cold really but blamed on the dust where he was working... So why take the cold medicine?

Nabal's room door was open, I could hear mariachi music playing...from his headphones! Ahh yes, clearly he was very drunk.

"Can I have a hug? Pleeeeeease!"
"No."
"Can I have a hug and kiss?"
"No."

Nabal ran over and tried to hug me. (I blocked his drunken attempts at groping)

"Want to come sleep with me tonight?"
"No."
He giggled and ran off back to his room and shut the door.

In all this, what gets me the most is that he doesn't even think to treat this like his family. Never dawns on him that it's not just my job only to care for sick family members. Even when I was down with the flu last year I was pretty much on my own. He would ask what I needed only if he was sober...which isn't very often.

Just a big dysfunctional mess! Something has got to give...

A Snowy Night

I would have ask myself why my habitually drunk driving husband is begging all of us for a ride to the trailer park. If I didn't already know the answer.

My girl told me today that he was FINALLY pulled over! (why hadn't I heard of this?) Nabal evidently name dropped a pretty powerful client's name. (he was probably working for the man that day.) The officer let him go if he promised to go straight home! WTF?!?

I see this as a 'warning' to him... The week before Nabal boasted to my boy that he never got caught at anything because he was too smart. (he believes all the smart and wealthy people he works for are idiots since they can't do what he does...) He claimed he was too smart to get caught) Famous last words I'd say! And its thus really what you say to any son, much less a son who did get caught breaking the law and has turned himself around? I truly believe he holds the belief that add long as you don't get caught, anything is permissible... A sad standard to pass along to any child. I had always thought him better...

So tonight the temperatures are headed for the single digits and its been snowing all day. The roads are dangerously slick and authorities have asked everyone to stay off the streets. The malls even closed early. Why would a father ask his wife and kids to go out? To get him beer of course! So thoughtful... Yes alcohol is his only love.

He claims to have bought another car. He wants my girl and I to go to Brazil with him to the soccer gold cup. And! He wants to know if I want to buy another house...with him. We are a couple so we have to do everything together. Maybe he'll buy a farm. Not listening to me in the least!

Tonight he's drinking tequila. He told me not to worry, he still owned me. Because we were married. WTF? I replied that married people do not 'own' one another. He said since the Bible says two become one, that equals ownership. Oh, and he's the boss. Crazy S.O.B.

He just informed me he was so drunk last night that he peed his pants... Remind me why I should care. Oh, because he didn't have any clean to use today. Did he not grande some that had not been peed in?! Its now the middle of the night. And he wore urine soaked pants to work today. Them he comes to tell me, not what he wants washed, but how many and...trying to instruct me. Grrrr! Told him I didn't need his help and for him to take care of his own business, he informed me I was his business. Then told me I always got mad when he was just trying to help and 'be' with me... Oh the subterfuge!

He stomped off the victim, but he did go away.

Its the slow season at work. May be time to move on so I can get the heck out of here. At least get him out. Well, try. I doubt very much he'll go willingly. Last well he made me so mad. If we split the children will be sad seeing their farther go downhill. He can't make it without me. Flattery? Being the victim? All of the above I believe. He's just pulling a Hoover. But its still tinged with covert intimidations. No, he will never take no for an answer...

Wednesday

And in the light of day: I've made my hands busy and my mind numb, albeit disgusted, cleaning this filthy house. The kitchen floors were black and sticky from drunken cooking and spilled beer. (gosh sound like reading fiction, but alas its my kitchen floor...) The living room floor was much the same from tracked dirt and muck. Its the same as it looked when I cleaned at Christmas... Its always like this and at times I walk by to see if anyone, Nabal, will snap the hell out of it and take ownership. Nope. Its 'women's'work. Period.

Nabal came in while I was going over the kitchen floor for the second time. He smiles sheepishly...saying, "Hi chicita." Solicited if I needed the trash taken out. Told him he could do what he felt like doing. (I refuse to be his mothere, his conscience, or his taskmaster.) He grabbed food left over from the night before. Asked if he could take it... Then asked for a hug goodbye. (this is what infuriates me!) Stood there with outstretched arms. I kept mopping. He leaned over and tried to kiss my arm.

Now he's the poor victim of mean old me... Grrrrrrr! Damn head games!

Tuesday

Nabal drank a 24 pack of beer this evening. All by himself. I haven't been writing because...I'm just tired. Tired of it all. Tried of the fight, the journey, all of it. The holidays were busy at my job, but now it will slow. Today I cleaned. There were clods of dirt and a film of dirt on all the floors. Clods of sort that fall out of the soles of work boots.

Nabal was in high gear tonight. I tried to get him to go to sleep by telling him he'd had too much to drink. He informed me there was no such thing as too much beer...he loves it. No truer word escaped his lips ever.

He was up for a fight tonight. The kids and I got street tacos tonight. He claimed not to want any. Said he wanted to die and was not going to eat again. He than went upstairs and ate...

I say he's had to much to drink; he says he drank more and faster the week before. So much so that the next morning he threw up twice, filling two grocery bags. Sorry to be woefully gross...just being accurate.

Again he stated he wanted us to die together. And yes he means at the same time... I know my blood pressure is though the roof.

We have been married 21 years and I'm stuck with my decision. Just need to deal with the situation and start sleeping with him again... Can I play with your tits?

Its a miracle I don't drink! (me)

"I love you, you love me. I like you, you like me. You are my wife and are being mean to me...everyone is mean to me. You are my wife."

Margarita sounds better and better.

My girl let's me know she's taking a girl friend home. He says quietly he wants to take her keys away. Why? She's got boys in her room all the time he replies. (because I work out of town) She has friends over, both boys and girls. I've talked to her brother and the door is open and he knows the kids and is there also, or in and out. Nabal claims he heard a male voice and waited in the hall for him to come out. Finally our boy took the boy outside. Upon my asking...it never happened. I don't believe her brother would lie for her. Sadly they aren't that close... I really do wish she were off to college. She does have a TV...we all wonder if that is what he hears. He says one night he will kill some one of these boys...

He sat down to 'talk' with me. He could hardly walk. He turned to me and belched in my general direction as soon as he was seated.

I know you've said I have been mean to you, but it is you who have been mean to me...you've never been with me. Nabal began his confabulations. Any and all of the past herein written is now solidly denied. Its a time I need to 'get over' and get back to bed. He'd like to go sit on the bed and talk, just sit. If we get tired we could recline, fall asleep even. Just sleep, I deserve to sleep in my own bed. Then if you like, I'll touch you all over. (big stupid grin) "I'll get you back one day. I'm gonna get you back to me good. You may not like it, but I'm gonna make you my wife again. You'll see. Then I'll have you back in my bed. (etc. vulgarities) I love you. Give me a kiss, on the lips. Please!"

It all makes me numb. Cold. My head hurts. But still not as bad as when he's sober and pretends and denies. Then my hands shake and my heat races. Which is worse?

This damn healthcare! He wants it very badly, but wants it as a family. I'm trying to separate myself from him...not sign up for more with him. He seems scared because its mandatory...our its it just manipulatory chaos?

He needs company insurance and has for months. He called me in all urgency this weekend asking me if I knew of anyone... Why would I? He needs me to call around because he needs it yesterday... Chaos maker!

Just figured out that knitting is therapeutic. I knit and my mind tunes out. I find it hard to throw two thoughts together lately. I find I don't want to talk to people. They can't help. Many feel sad and say its life- A cross to be bared. Others are sad, and wonder why and what I wait for to have done with it. No...none can help. Many times I call people out of obligation of being a friend-because I should.

I have found out group therapy is available for a fraction of the cost of one on one. I need to locate one on a day I'm in town. My head and thoughts are so cloudy these days. I hardly ever get headaches, but now they are more and more common. I imagine...I'm in a hopeless situation. If a person will deny what you know is truth. If a person makes effort to pretend nothing is amiss- what will they do when the end of the game is called? To my thinking...they will go on pretending. Not taking seriously. Nor respecting. Just change the subject and continue pretending or snap. Nabal, tonight feigned to fall sideways...onto me. He wouldn't move, he is a strong man. That's when he asked and tried to touch my breasts. I blocked him. He held my hand, and wouldn't let it go. He laughed quietly and let it go, but not before he said, "I'm stronger than you. Don't forget it."

Did your blood run cold? My own did, and that's why I haven't had done with this crap yet. A good reminder, when I begin to doubt myself as to if its emotional abuse, or if I've just painted him wrongly as such. He reminds me it is.