Wednesday

Last night... Nabal... So damn drunk them wanted to talk. Whenever I mentioned why I was done. (said exactly that way) I was accused of things that would really nullify what he'd just accused me of. I got another sob story about his childhood. I'm not harsh, but in 20 years of marriage he never breathed a word of any of this. The last time he did this was to derail a conversation about his cheating with Mary- I cried, I felt sorry, he continued to cheat. He told me when we got married I was sick in my head and after all his friends. Oh yeah, but since then I'd learned to control myself. Didn't let that rest a minute, asked for names and actions. He couldn't name a person or action. Just kept repeating that I was sick in the head. What a colossal ass! My defense: I worked as a carpenter for over 10 years, and not once did anyone refer to me as a flirt. I always had mostly male big brother friends. No playing around. And I told him. Crickets. He said he was a cirgin when we married. I called him on that and he sadly said they only loved him for his face and never were with them more than once. Really?! You just lied! We got to talk about separating. All along he'd stop and ask: could he see my boobs, could I give him some pussy, could I sleep with him. Ass!

Monday

Im so damn mad... Yes we got a new roof. Yes I'm thankful for Nabal's friends, I don't know If he paid them or not. They were Salvadorian. Nabal, since the Protege left had to search for a laborer. All the Spanish people are leaving. He got a neighborhood fellow who has been out of work. The gentleman happens to be black. Nabal complained for 2 weeks that he was a craxkhead, he is not. Oh, now every black man is a crackhead? Well during the roofing my boy said the Salvadorians were being racist and getting on Nabal because he has a black guy working for him. What asses! The very people who always cry racism when someone points out they are here illegally! Truth be told Spanish men I have come in contact wih spend an inordinate amount of time saying all Americans are racist against them, so justifying any drinking, cheating or stealing. That said they are extremely racist when it comes to black people. They mostly live in the poorest sections with drunks, druggies and prostitutes, then decide all black people live like that. Funny, they live with a lot of poor white trash also yet marry them and can seperate them from middle class and upward. Wow, we used to call that color struck... So very sick of dealing with all this. Thank you Lord! Work has picked up in my field immeasurably!

Saturday

Finally got a roof put on! Ready for a hurricane, we are due. This way I only have to worry about the basement... I have come to realize the waste of drunkards and druggies, it's not just the amount of money they spend on booze and weed when we are out of money. But the night binge eating and all the food that goes to waste. In this heat Nabal makes a butt load of food that no one wants to eat...well, because a drunk made it! He totters off to pass out, leaving it all on the stove. A gas stove. Spoiled vegetables, both cooked and raw. Spoiled meat. Spoiled everything. Tonight he has an open beer in the fridge. Really!?! Who saves an open beer?!? But that...he puts away! Priorities... Priorities... Must have been his day of good deeds. Nabal helped the boy put brakes on the truck he drives. A good deed overshadowed by his driving them to the parts store drunk... I'm thinking someone else was here who helped the boy, not Nabal. Why is it, if there's a group of people and one is drunk, that drunk always thinks they are the better driver and must drive? And Nabal was reaming the gears. They were just replaced last year because of his tearing them up while driving drunk. Another case of wasted money because of alcoholism.

Tuesday

Last night back to drunk. After he finished eating at 10:30 he asked me when I was going toile his coffee. That did stop me. He has never had coffee this late and I told him so. If he drinks coffee this late he can't sleep. When he answered he wasn't even sure why... He was looking for a kiss. Nope you smell like alcohol. He says, "Well you used to drink a lot." wasn't letting that one pass. Yes, I coils drink most folks under the table but not every day and not alone just to be drunk. He tells me it makes h strong. Ok... Was talking to the boy today and he remembers Nabal on the new home job that broke him when the guy didn't give him the next one. I'd suspected that Nabal was on the job drunk with his drunk crew and I was right. Said Nabal was drunk in the mornings weaving all from the night before. He would come down from his high before lunch then drink his lunch and be drunk again after it. I worked construction and we knew every drunk, they couldn't hide it. Someone from the guys. Job noticed and I'm sure mentioned it.no one is going to jepersize their insurance for them. They told me they were dropping stuff. The man also had private home clients who may have noticed. I was just thinking yesterday about our boy telling me that Nabal was telling him about his sexploits when the boy was about 10. Why would a father do that? Then Nabal complained that the boy didn't like being with him... Gee ya think! He ate, he was drunk, he said he forgot to bathe again last night and that he would tonight. Went to his room and never came back out. What has me puzzled is that he used to shower in the morning. He no longer does. I remember once while I was in school for my new career he called me dirty because I skipped washing my hair when I did bathe. If I did have to explain myself, I have very curly hair that does better if I skip a day with shampoo.

Sunday

Nabal never did shower last night. If I think about it most nights he's far too drunk to bathe. Finally got to frying up the fish he brought in. Upon inspection they were definitely cleaned when Nabal was drunk. They were butchered and many still had scales. Scales done bother me, but he had cut the tails off and sliced them in a way I believe he was lucky not to have sliced his own hand open. I finished cleaning them, fried them up and they were good tho a little boney because he'd cut all the fins off and cut them up so it was hard to get the bones out. He's pretty quiet and my our boy figures he's hung over. I think he was waiting for some big Father's Day shindig. This has been a week of death and letting go. Just a lot of thinking and realizing. And letting go. Nose to the work and kids grindstone. Once that's all taken care of I can move to a new state and open my dream at the end of my 5 year plan. At that point I won't have been on my own in pretty much 20 years. Kinda scary. Kinda looking forward to it in a big way. Don't know how I'll put money together for it all but on my own I can live cheaply. What will it feel like to be alone again? Liberating that's how!

Saturday

Tonight Nabal comes in at 10:30 tonight. Yes stinking drunk. I do mean stinking! He tells me he should take a shower tonight because he didn't last night. He said he smelled like fish all day... He's sitting on the living room sofa...unwashed still, drinking his beer and watching the TV. In the kitchen he's begging for a kiss. Finally he says, "I don't know why I have to fight for a kiss from my wife. You are my wife. You are breaking up our marriage acting like this." Now what he doesn't know is that we saw him a little bit ago parked outside the Burger King which is next door tithe gas station where Miss. Mary Sims works. He wears talking on his phone. Glancing at his phone there are no calls recorded after 8:30 pm. I think it's funny that now I'm the bad guy for not forgetting all the dirt he's done these past few years. Ok, I accept, I'm the bad guy. Today I made my goal for money for the day! Thank you Father God!! If this keeps up and I can surpass my starting goal I can get Nabal out of here next year! (Or sooner) right now I'd just be happy to pay bills on time... Today one of my dearest friends, one I lost contact with for a long time lost their dad. My heart and prayers go out to the family. This is the shame of what I allowed to happen in isolating myself. I'm no longer close to anyone. Not close enough to reach out. I can feel myself drawing inward again as I am taking too long to get this over with and everyone around me is losing patience with me. I'm such a coward. Should just kick his ass to the curb and get it over with. Let the chips fall where they may.

Friday

So Nabal comes in at 12:30. Stinking drunk, grinning with a bag full of fish. He asks what should he do with them. Refrigerator... He grins and says noo, you dry them! He thought I was frying fish this time of night... Showed him dinner and started downstairs. He called me back and again says noo then points to my old bedroom with a lecherous grin. My turn! Noooooo! I think today I got why he's always telling me, "No one else loves you as much as I do. No one." Is he maybe implying I'm unlovable? If I am oh well. If what he offers is what love is...I'll pass. Today I remembered 2 Christmases ago. Christmas morning- kids unwrapping presents, me trying for them to be pleasent and present. Nabal's phone rings I could see it was Isela. He rushes off to the bedroom and shuts the door. I could hear him, laughing ang giggling with her. Couldn't take it I went in and laid him out, I'm sure she could hear. Told him he needed to get off the phone and come at least pretend he had a family for the kids. He could talk to the bitch later. Also that she should probably go celebrate Christmas with her husband and daughter and likewise pretend. I was damned if I was going to let him ruin Christmas for my kids. He didn't say a word. I went out the room and shut the door behind me. A few seconds later he walked out smiling like a kid just got caught at something never said a word about it, never tried to deny it or anything. I'm guessing she forgot about the 2 hour time difference and figured we would all be asleep after a night of Christmas eve partying Mexican style. For once I didn't bite my tongue... Felt pretty good!

Thursday

Well... Nabal has been drunk every evening for 2 weeks straight. Church is out again. He's been a pleasent enough drunk, as opposed to his behavior of one year ago. Now he's just lewd and pitiful. He was talking last week about beating up his new worker. Why? Because the guy does what his wife wants, not what Nabal wants. I told him to find someone else. It is a little crazy the way those folks are, but they are adults and you can't make someone act the way you want them to. Work is picking up nicely for me and I truly look forward to working my butt off to get out of here. I think I'll have to be here another 2 years, but they don't have to be spent with him. It's a little scary having to stay, but my girl has those to finish here. She has a learning disability and does very well at her school. I don't have the heart to move her. Maybe the 5 year plan will be on time yet... There are a few things that will more than likely not be options by then...but what can be done? Nothing. Vanity, all in life really is vanity. Some things should never have been and some will never be again. A sad little life really. Maybe the next half will be better.

Wednesday

Wednesday! Know what that means right? Nabal is drunk. The kids are out of school, my boy a graduate. Thank The Lord! A prime example of where the hate comes from: Our girl was making dinner, Nabal came in and moved everything off the stove. He made food then tried to force feed everyone from a spoon. It wasn't the first time we'd had the dish, but he went on like it was. Our girl had 2 of her girlfriends over to hang out. When they left Nabal asked her, "Why are all these people always over here?" He did this to our boy also. Subtle, his way of isolation, without actually saying, "No friends." He has done this to all of us, and I hate him for it. He asked me if he should shower tonight. A grown man he is at 48. He was filthy from work. I worked construction for many years. Never once did I come home and not shower. I told him he probably should. Why do I have to tell a man to shower? He approached he, "Smell me!" Really?!? I told him I was not his mother and he very pointedly says, "But you are my wife." Never heard love, honor and smell. I added that he was not 5. He replied, as he walked away, "I'm 3." He went to his room and didn't come back out. I'm betting he passed out.

Monday

Was up half the night between Nabal's drunken advances and a lingering cough. Woke up late and still not feeling 100% coffee may turn that around. Nabal keeps calling... First about some invoices he needs sent out, then slips in asking me how we can get back together. Is he really trying to dump it on me? Told him I had nothing to say, and I don't. Then he says I have to be with him. I found a little backbone and told no, I didn't! So he keeps calling and saying, "I love you." Why? Because when he was being solicitous because he knows his behavior last night. I told him he woke me when he was stupid ass drunk. Too many years, too many lies, too many tricks. I'm done with him, with relationships, with illusions. I see he's still got his account with Match.com and is checking it. He's FB stalking Mary Sims and her friend Amy Fox Belew. Them and some other young girls. He and CM are now Zoosk friends. I'm still trying to figure out exactly what it is..it says dating. He's such a lying wonder. Lord help me pick up more work!

Sunday

Why do drunks so drunk they can hardly walk, so drunk they can hardly speak, smelling like straight alcohol, imagine themselves irresistible lovers? Since their church was reabsorbed back into the large American church Nabal seems to have lost his zeal as a leader there. When I got home from a fundraiser for a mission trip (ironically to Mexico) he was already drunk. Watching TV, beer in hand, looking rather smug and never uttering a word. The kitchen trash already had no less than 5 empties. He was out with Pablito. Been an odd last few weeks. For to get on the computer to write all that. The family really is falling apart. My kids are undermining my getting out of here. They are preoccupied with relationships and trying to keep me here 2 more years... Oh boy. Saddest day yet- my boy graduated but did not want to attend his graduation. I often wonder if it's because of Nabal's birthday party plans. Smiling like he did more than pay to keep a rod over our heads. That in itself is appreciated, but when your distractions from family duties were weed and beer...no one wants to hear it really. I've pretty much just given up FB altogether, he imagines himself an expert, more like stalker... Going thru pictures of friends of a teen nephew. He keeps trying to tell me I'm on FB when I'm working. I just think its a new way of accusation. Most of my friends on there have better things to do and don't get on so I've been pretty much off for a few weeks now. Everyone has their families and lives at this stage of the game anyway. No time for me and my ongoing woes. I'm even tired of hearing and wonder if I'll ever make enough money again so I won't lose everything. The loneliness I have to look forward to is better than this any day of the week. I hate life so much, I'd chew my arm off to get out. Some days it seems so futile, so pointless. No one gets that I fear what Nabal will do once I set things in motion. No one gets it. One girl I spoke with grew up with a sociopath father and does get it. Her mom had to wait until all the kids were out than ran like hell. People don't understand paragliding fear. I'm tired of trying to be understood. I've stopped calling sympathetic and empathetic friends because I know I burden them. Withdraw. Isolate. Put on a brave face to the world. Best I can muster these days. My best friend has a new love, I leave them to their happiness. I can help others, why can't I help myself? Finding counseling is proving hard... Now our boy needs it more... He fears he has too many of Nabal's traits and will treat women the same. Found out he was indoctrinated. Told to never say you are sorry to a woman, never admit to anything, even when caught. And this is all my fault. I'd I had left 10 years ago, things would have been different. I stupidly thought that I'd I tried harder, gave more to the marriage it would work out. Big bad mistake. A mistake that has really messed up 2 young lives. I really shouldn't be around people... Well, a new week ahead. Sumer break is upon us. Don't know if that's a god thing or bad... I feel cut off, alone. In this hell of my own making.