Tuesday

Aaaaaaaahhhhhh! He's trying to suck me in again!

Now Nabal its opening a deli in the infamous gas station. Yes that gas station... He wants to open this weekend! His resume: He had never worked in a restaurant! And knows nothing about running one. He asked if I could make him flyers, make him a sign... Did I want to go look at the space. He is going to employe our girl. Why yes, she does already have Job and dislikes food service, her first job.

He wanted to know if I knew of a slaughter house west of town. You know, the one some guy tools him about. He wants heads for his tacos.

Thus could very well be a nightmare! He has no food handling health license of any kind. I'm sure hasn't spoken to the city, board of health, nothing. He is a person who flaunts rules. They stand in his way. He's going to gather some guys who cook well. Undoubtably, some drinking buddies.

I hope he does do well. Really! First lady that bats her lashes at him, he'll be gone.

Ok, I am avoiding bring depressed. I try to find that happy medium of working towards getting out of this mess, and not dwelling on the fact that I'm not being listened to. Its hard, scary and confusing. This change in Nabal, not really a change per se but a change in strategy, is hard to grasp. That is until he gets drunk and claims he's never done anything against me. Its me who has been a vile person he has had to live with. Fine, I'm ready and willing for a divorce. No...I love you and we are going to die together. We need to stick together for the kids. I'll fall apart and become a bum and it'll be all your fault. I'm making money again, now you'll like me better.

I know its all a head game. I know its just his shifting from point to point trying to find a soft spot. I keep the game face if front of him, its when I'm alone in my thoughts with no sounding boards that I crack. That I feel the waves crashing, the undertow. The hopeless feelings that any fight is futile. That even if I manage to get out he'll not let it rest. Its the unknown, the what if. Here it is again the big roadblock in my life- fear. To overcome fear, I adopt numbness. Has my life failed because of fear and giving up far too easily? In retrospect...yes. Some people seem to get second chances, my screwups always seem to be set in stone. If I don't get it right the first time, it's done. Maybe because I have had to accept so much as a child I learned not to feel. I remember crying myself to sleep every night because I felt unwanted. I had to live somewhere else, away from my family. At 8 you can't grasp that you are caught in another's life lesson. All I could see was that though I knew I was loved by some, no over could help.

I know...get over it. I have pushed it all down for so many years. There's only one person in life I ever came closer to telling it all to. Most people don't have time or inclination to care. I think I come off so 'normal' they either believe I've gotten through or don't want to deal with it. I wasn't abused. Many people have come through worse. The friend I disclosed what I realized at the time so long ago to this day explains me as broken. Broken inside. That about sums it up.

I know I need insight. I know I need help. I've tried duct tape. Humor, deep deep down, I do think that's the only way most people will accept me. When 'Tears of A Clown' comes on the radio. When 'Comfortably Numb' starts...I feel understood. Mostly I feel I'm being a cry baby, and not putting on my big girl panties and doing what I need to do. Not just getting over old news and dealing with it. How do I do that?

I can remember as long as I can testing new friends. Pushing them away, being argumentative. I don't consciously think of it as a test. Inside I'm aghast! But i can't stop myself. I think at that point I feel attachment to them, I push. Why? To see if they'll stay... Not a good way to live. It's a broken way.