My Changing Mindset

Over the last few weeks my mindset had changed. I've used the 'D' word in constructive sentences with Nabal. He's been acting like a child scolded vaying for attention. He's not believing me.

He hasn't changed...accused me of believing he was a 'bad' person. Believing that he was 'messing' with women when he was innocent. (I've seen proof.) I'm breaking his heart.

Every time I return home...I have to start all over again. He wants a hug. A kiss. Can we sleep together?

He's trying to wear me down... I've started thinking of him as my 'soon to be ex'. It has changed my whole outlook. I'm planning places if I need to hide. He's started asking where exactly I live. Says he's going to appear...so we can sleep together. Why have I never invited him up...? Where I live- hard to find, out in the boonies. Where I work? Very easy, a landmark place. So I may need to jump and run.

Need a P.O. Box. Need to get in to a lawyer now the weather is better.

This is my 4th year out of training. This is my 7th year since this all got too much to handle and I crept out of the fog. First year, I was hoping things would get better. Through that year my eyes were opened and Nabal sank deeper. Second year, I was jarred with reality and concluded that my thoughts the year before were correct- this needed to end.

It took so very long to get back to myself. I'd tried to fit in. Do anything to help Nabal and his family. Being him nothing but good. Yes I fell short all the time. I was doing the love is a choice. It is and can be done. Until it's thrown back in your face one too many times. I could choose it now. Maybe I'm wrong...but I'm done.

It felt like clawing my way to the surface again. I'd twisted and contorted myself to make another happy. I lost so much of me. I still have yet to get it all back...Maybe I never will.

Now, I fell like I can breathe again. My self preservation is back. Back in full swing.

I want to live again. I want to love again. I want my kids to be normal if possible. I want to live without fear, without hopelessness. I want to live.

Finally embracing that one can only change ones self. I'd not change, regain.