Turn of events... Nabal hasn't to my knowledge had anything to drink since Tuesday. A good thing. I found from his phone that his latest 'hot item' pretty much got tired of his games and ditched him. One of his long distance EMS's. The very next day he stopped drinking and started interacting with the family. By the end of the week, after asking me if I'd like to raise another child and me replying, "Why? You got one somewhere you need to claim?" (I know, not nice) He put on his best hurt face and asked how I could think such a thing. It's my fault he went looking. Ok, partial responsibility taken. He said a friend asked him why he was looking for a new woman. He said he explained how I had checked out on our relationship. I stopped him there, "And did you also tell him about all the junk you have said and done in the past to make me keep my distance?" "Well, yes" ,he replied. "And my friend said if your wife is willing you can heal your marriage." Well, well well well... When all else fails- there's always my wife. I did the one thing I said I would not do. We talked round and round about my growing lack of trust, and literally threw up his hands and wanted to know what my problem was. I told him he never even apologized- he just said it happened, get over it. Then he swore he'd apologized. Finally he smiled and said, "Well if that's all you want." and came to hug me. I just looked at him astonished. "I don't know if I can accept your apology- now that the only reason you're giving it is because I said something."

It's almost as if he thinks that time stood still while he went in his 9 month binge of booze and later women. He doesn't get that the damage done has now to be dealt with. We are not dry erase boards that you wipe clean and start wherever you want to. Just pretend the last 9 months never happened. We are still to close to look back and laugh. He's thrown himself into fixing the house studying the bible. Oh gosh... I'n glad he's doing better. I'm glad he's moving closer to God.

He's decided to be dad again, but for the last 9 months he has led by the worst possible example at worst and ignored at best. So for the last few days he has decided to correct the things I have been letting slip. He came down on our boy; did what the bible calls provoking your children to wrath. Later said he just got mad. told me to let it go. Thinks the child is touchy because you can't say anything to him. The child IS touchy- he's grown up with in an alcoholic family with a Co-D mother! He has been on an even keel for the past year and within 3 days he's smashing things again. This is a child I can tell to do anything and he does it. He, after much counseling had learned to channel his anger and express it appropriately. One incident set him back all the way. Of course he was raised by a harridan who screams and berates her boys drunk or sober. Yet always manages to play the victim...

I spoke with my pastor's wife today (she lived through all this as a child) Her observation was that Nabal is seemingly trying to skip the healing time. I'm inclined to think he doesn't even realize that there should be one. I don't know if I want to go on. I just can not find in myself any trust to bestow. I'm now looking for all this to just blow away like so many grains of sand before a mighty wind. The wind of alcoholism undealt with. I am happy he's not hitting the bottle. Just want to be able to be happy at a distance. Like for any friend. So far he's wanting to be romantic. That translates to grabby... I'm not the same person I was 9 months ago; I've regained my old self and then some. I don't want to just settle anymore, I don't want to wait out another's moods, walking on egg shells wondering who will come in the door. I'm tired. Just tired. I'm tired of always guarding my emotions so they aren't sticking out there to get whacked. Ever since the early days I learned not to give Nabal any ammunition that he could use when he was in a bad mood. He will take any intimate thing and fling it at me to hurt. Knowledge in his hands, personal knowledge that is, is a tool to buckle the legs and shame the object of his wrath into submission. If he can make you weak then he has nothing to fear from you. I keep thinking about Proverbs 31- she will do him good (her husband) not evil all the days of her life. (She's a cool lady that understands the world in which she lives and how to work it) I have told the Lord that I'll abide for Him- as long as I can.

I saw a chinese proverb the other day: Unless you change direction, you are likely to arrive where you are headed.