Self Serving Revisionist History

When someone tells you that everything you ever did for them that was  nice was all a lie and to serve yourself. IMO matter how much you know better, it makes you wonder. Makes you second guess yourself. How the hell did all the programming start? In the end it all is indeed self serving. Not the actions, but the one trying to tell you what you felt, what your motivations were. They are the ones serving self. They are putting you into the tired old position of proving you are not a mean, heartless, self serving person. Why don't they ever have to prove anything? Any time that rolls around they conveniently regal us with their childhood upbringing- the excuse for any meanness, any decker, any unfaithfulness. Is this supposed to be an automatic pass, get out of trouble free card? Excuses, excuses, excuses. I remember destinctly years ago when we first married. Maybe he'd accused me of drooling over some guy. (which I hadn't) When I opened my mouth to defend myself he cut me short: Women only have excuses. Always excuses. In other words we are guilty of whatever we are accused of, words of defense are all excuses to cover guilt. I came to the place: How do you defend yourself when you have done nothing. How do you prove you did nothing? My decision? Why even try. I do think that was the beginning of the end. I knew he was making stories up and baWting me , yet always said in other moods what a good person I was. Only 2 arenas did he try to knock me down. One was that I was not a nice person and two that I looked at men. I never believed it, but thought it was a weakness in him that I needed to be sense five to. Oh, being nice. 

Done ranting for today. These things get a hold of me and plague my thoughts all day long. Last night he was extra special drunk. Today he was asking if I wanted to travel with him. No. Last week I won a ttrip to a very nice resort with a cruise attached to it. I declined it because I am not sitting in a car with  Nabal for 2 hours. I'm not spending any time with him in a hotel. I have come to the conclusion that I plainly don't like him at all. Also I know if I were driving he would try to touch me since I couldn't get away. He wouldn't care we were going 70 miles an hour. He'd just laugh. Funny he never did that all the years I was 'in' this marriage. Then give me some damn speach about how I am still his wife...like I'm obliged to submit. Last night he tried to tell me that it makes God happy for families to stay together and get over things no matter what. He'll have a lot who agree. I'm not one!