New Years Eve...

So...not kissing 2012 goodbye, just biotin it out the door. Goes in an big pile with 09, 10 and 11. Those are just the ones on the top. So! 2013!

For years I have not made resolutions. Just seemed like wasted time as it was all but forgotten by January 31. But this year needs a plan! I need more work, better pay for what I do. I need to get help so I can move on from here. I need to get out of this marriage, this state. A friend, very concerned mentioned that I need to make a real home for the kids without Nabal's influence. They need to see normalcy. This in itself is a bit fear installing but I need to get over it. My son has taken to making holes in his walls when he gets bored now...I speak to him and he gets defensive. Nabal reports to me every new hole when he notices and tells me the boy needs a talk. Yeah...ok. I live, we live in an insane asylum. I realize the boy has no friend's. My girl says he's a jerk to everyone. Wow...yes we need change, this sounds so much like Nabal. He has many acquaintances who he believes he is better than. He finds something wrong with everyone and makes it a matter of Nabal is better.  If he can't find a weakness he just dubs them stupid. 

That's my big push this year. Everyone will be out of school so Nabal won't have any more hold where he could completely screw the kids education up. Lately he's been sticking to the hard working misunderstood guy persona. He is still who he is. A friend a year older just died from the flu Christmas day. Life is really way to short. I've been sick with the same flu. He died suddenly. Don't know how many days are promised. Just found out the stress of it all has finally taken its toll and my blood pressure is up. So off goes all the weight. I don't even care if Nabal starts to comment. Exercise is coming back. I don't like medecine so herbals, a serious cleanse and drop any refined foods. Tomorrow ;) 

I am still seeing that Nabal assumes the world will find what he offers as sufficient. We are at the point everything could be lost. Maybe that has to happen. At that point nothing would tie us except a piece of paper. To me it is an important piece of paper, but now, in this instance it's only good use is tinder for a fire. To much destruction associated with it. Looking back it has never really been worth more than the $30 it cost. Money that should have been put to better use. 

So no floating along this year. I've really been thinking about a storage unit and slowly moving things out. I can leave stuff there until I see where I land. I have to get away from here there's a glut of people in my profession here and movement is necessary  

Christmas Eve

The big Mexican Christmas celebration night. I'm still feeling horrible from the flu. I think it's settled either into a sinus infection or pneumonia. Lovely... So Nabal has been hinting all week about tamales. It's such a labor intensive operation and I knew I wasn't gonna be up to it. I know now that it is traditionally one of the few times Mexican men help with cooking. In fact usually it's a family project, but even Nabal's mom has to go it alone and prefers buying them. So tonight I figure he told his church he was bringing tamales for their midnight meal. I'm not much help as I get dizzy when I stand for a long time so he invited 2 of his buddies over. These guys one Pablito and some other guy are his 'church drinking boys.' he made sweet and chicken and I did tell him how to make the ingredients as I was going in and out ferrying kids to work. I finally got in and was able to lay down since I'm up every night at 2:30 ensuring the boy wakes. Our girl came in from visiting with friends and asked me whether the tamales were supposed to be cooking as Nabal was asleep.  My best guess was that he and the boys were boozing it up making the tamales as there was a plate of burned tamales. Gosh don't ask how the heck you burn tamales as they are steamed, but a drunk can manage anything... She came in at 12 so I sopposed Nabal had gotten too drunk to go hold court at his teetotal ing church. When the boy woke for work he told me that Nabal and the boys had not indeed had Bert, but Patron. Well... I'm wondering what he's going to do with all those tamales... It's drunk cooking and no one here eats that. The boy said he thought he saw Nabal with taquila drinking and putting it in (I'm not sure whether the water or the dough or the meat) I doubt I will be finding out.

Dinner will be easy and nutritious for all is Dickie's. Parihuela, Peruvian seafood soup, and I'll make some rolls to go with. Had presence of mind to buy seltzer water to make the orange juice and have mimosa like beverage. Maybe even orange Julius.

Two days ago Nabal proclaimed that we all needed to go on a 'family' Christmas shopping outing. First time in 19 years... He was always much to busy. Well, everyone was working and he never brought it up again. I bought a few things for the kids. Inexpensive, yet ellegent. They actually were...

Merrry Christmas and God bless.

Monday

The flu this year is the pits...at least it's fast as flus go. First my girl, then as she was coming out of it, I went down for the count.

Let's see what Nabal was up to... He did buy juice once I got sick. He made soup last night, and got bombed doing it. He was able to take our girl to work as he was headed to church in the same direction. Just before it was time to pick her up I went upstairs and realized Nabal was most of the way through his 6 pack. I get to her job and he calls me asking if I left to pick her up. Then went on in twisted drunk speak to explain how he could have picked her up, all I had to do was ask. I told him flatly that he was on beer 5 of a 6 pack and I didn't think that was the best thing to have him driving anyone including himself. He never addressed te statement and changed the conversation than hung up.

One of my friends from high school called me. I have been asking her advice on getting a tutor for my kid with a learning disability, plus we are friends and I don't need a reason to talk with her no matter how you slice it. I remember he told me he talked with a friend of mine from a certain state. I could tell by something in his voice he was waiting for a reaction. So I said: Ok, who? Then he mentioned her name. I told him ok and I'd call her back when I felt better. Today I chatted with her a bit as she has sickness in her house she's dealing with. Seems he played 30 questions with her... Where did I know her from, had I spoken with her recently, and what was the nature of our relationship. So...was he really chasing something, or was he trying to dissuade whoever it was from calling me. Yet again he crossed the wrong friend...this one has battled with psychological abuse from a husband and after 12 years has her kid home with her and free of her abuser. When she gets a break I'm sure she'll fill fill me in on the whole conversation.

The last time he showed off, I was on the phone with my ex-police officer girlfriend. All very good friends that go back to childhood.

My girl came home and gave me a slip of paper that had her scores from tests she needs to graduate. She scored very high!!! Nabal comes in and notices the paper and asks me if someone sent me a note. Told him no it was our girl's scores. He made a noise of disinterest and went upstairs... Proud dad?? Guess not. Just interested in driving me nuts.

Saturday

So I have an icky virus courtesy of my beautiful daughter. Thanks doll.. So I'm up late making sure the boy gets off to work on time. Why? I'm doing it again, placing myself in a position to be blamed for someone else's irresponsibility. He came in late, just before 1 and had to be awake between 3 & 3:30 a.m. Oh yeah...! He stormed out slamming doors. In his wake. Nabal sleeping in the living room so he can look at TV all night as he wakes. Too late for going to say anything.

So I'm sitting here in quiet. Now I can sleep and be warm. A scene came to me. :

A wealthy woman in the community chartered a bus for my daughter's entire class and the grade below. The woman did this for every elementary school here an it was our turn. It was a trip to a major city to participate in an educational event. I grew up in that city and saw an opportunity to stay and see some sites we hadn't seen in a few years. I realize Nabal always worked so couldn't go anywhere and discouraged me going anywhere.

The bus was returning hours early so I arranged to get my girl and we three would see some sights we hadn't seen. It was very early fall and probably the last very good weather. We found a very exciting monument and the children were having a wonderful time. My phone rang and it was Nabal. I answere with I know a lightness of seeing the kids so happy. He started right in. Not yelling but saying he was sure I was already on the road back. I said off handedly no it was still light and  told him how much fun we were having and how where we were related to my mom. I do not remember exactly what he said, but I do remember suddenly feeling as if he were trying to tell me I was doing something stupid. Now I'm a darn good driver in general and have no night problems. The next day was a weekend, so no school. I remember wondering where all that was coming from. As I was trying to explain he hung up on me. I'd stopped the kids because I was devoting so much attention to figurinbnabal out that I didn't want to lose track of where the children were in the crowd. They saw my face.

What's the matter mommy? Probably shouldn't have said a thing, but I told them that their father wanted us to leave now. Their little faces were sad and we'd only seen half the monument. That and it would take half an hour just to walk back to the car. We continued on and it was dark by the time we left. Not a peep from Nabal. He may have called when I was near home. Honestly I do not remember. What I do remember is when we got home I was expecting the same mood and there was none.

I remembered feeling sad that Nabal didn't like anyone having fun without him. Back in the day all he wanted to do was cookout at a park or go play ball for a hot minute. He didn't like the kids on playground sets because he had to watch or help them. He didn't like museums. He just wanted to hang out with his friends, which was no place for a little boy. Looking back I think he resented us for liking museums and music other that mariachis. Funny, when we were in Mexico with his brother who likes to do things and go places he acted like he was into it all.  My reasoning for thinking resentment is that when our boy was in 5th or 6th grade he showed up to a recital drunk. He was always way to busy to go to anymore. Finally in high school he came drunk off his butt, made fun of people, then excused himself to go to the restroom and never returned, said he had to lock up his church. Shortly after that my boy began resenting me for going, and finally stopped playing an instrument he had talent in. Why? Because he wasn't perfect... 

Some days I truly wonder how I was so blind. Always tryin to figure what had caused a mood or miscommunication. There was no reason! All a sick gave that gullible old me fell for. It shames me. I remember asking my mom for help in something I felt to my core was wrong. My mom told me I needed to listen to my husband and help out. I was pregnant and just had major surgery. She said in an incredulous voice that it wouldn't hurt me to cook and vacuum some. I was under doctors orders and had a gaping wound. I knew I'd been abandoned. That's when I really started to think maybe I really was thinking wrong. Any time I was hurt I was not really allowed to 'be' hurt. I had to suck it up real quick an bury it. So I did...for 18 years. 

Thursday

I get so tired of writing about the antics of Nabal... My girl has what it appearing more and more to be the flu. Nabal called from the store this evening to see if she needed anything from the store she told him night time medecine. Oh...like NyQuil. When he got home he was odiously drunk.  Once it got late I asked her if he'd given her the medicine. Nope! Hadn't bought a thing. He's the one who in his quest to sleep when he isn't drinking. He was too drunk to help, to remember, to care.

I want to know why he walks around sounding slury drunk acting like a drunk, yet gets on the phone on one of his soap boxes and when talking to his church folks sounds sober.  He hangs up the phone and is back to sloppy drunk. It's all a game to him. I think he 'acts' so sloppy drunk so he can try to get handsie and act dumb about it.  I'm just tired of it all... Gotta remember all his week's foolishness. I just haven't felt like thinking o him at all when I didn't have to.

Tuesday

It is really bothering me that Nabal works so very hard at corrupting the sobriety of others. He's like the Pied Piper, like the snake in the garden... Advising people who are getting help to disregard it. Advising guys getting meds to help with their addictions and the mental issues that stem from them to stop taking their medecine so they can drink wih him. Finding recovered alcoholics and plying them with alcohol until they secumb.  Giving pointers on how to stay out of rehab. Looking at loved ones who are trying to save their addicts lives as the bad people and telling that to the addict. He has taken calling good evil, and evil good to a whole new level. It's as if his highest calling is to corrupt people! He than, with great disgust, points out what horrible drunks or druggies others are. Sudden high moral ground equal to any latter century temperance leader. Boggles the mind... I often wonder if he has deluded himself as much as he tries to delude others?

Evening:
How quickly Nabal changes... Yes drunk again and his phone rang, he looked at it and put it back in his pocket. "Do you believe Muncho keeps calling me? I don't have any money to give anyone. Stupid drunk just needs to quit drinking...stupid drunk."

Well...wow... Turned on the guy that fast. Muncho is the Protege's nickname. The guy is looking to Nabal to bail him out of his troubles because Nabal spent the last 10 years calling the guy 'mijo' more than Nabal called his own son 'my son.' Funny, Nabal likes to act like everyone's dad, the benevolent jefe until there is real trouble, then Nabal looks down his nose from his lofty heights and calls ya stupid.

Tonight Nabal told me we were all together against the world. I laughed before I could stop myself. He asked, "What? You aren't with me?" I just looked at him and asked, "We who?" he replied, "Well, you, me an the kids." now that was funny! Yes, true crazy making actions.

Monday

The last week has been a tad trying. Everything turned upside down, just such personal strife here in the house, yet Nabal seems to have noticed nothing. I'm betting he did notice because he kicked Sommen of the parties while they were down. I could have strangled him, but he plays the passive agressive part, smiled and said he was just trying to be helpful. I have been doing a lot of praying and seeking the last few days. I believe I have at least one answer. Tho still wondering what real direction it's all heading.

Ah, Nabal passed out by 9:30, peace. I was seriously asking God if my attitude was correct. I know it may seem crazy to some, but God is still in the miracle business and healing and changing each and every day. Some days I have to stop and make sure my wants aren't running contrary to God's plans. I can be a little impatient. It's warm for a December night and Nabal sat in his truck drinking for almost 2 hours. Fine with me, it's not as if anyone really talks to him much. He came in with some gossip, I could see it in his eyes. He had spoken to the protege. Evidently his parents and siblings put him in rebar in Mexico. Nabal was almost horrified! He told me in a tone that conveyed can you believe they did this?!? I was very happy. Happy for the protege and I told Nabal that I was because the protege was killing himself. He looked at me in disbelief, "You think that could happed?" my answer, "Yes!" I had to get sarcastic and asked if  he was advising the protege on how to remain free of rehab. Nabal laughed and said he told him to come back up here. It would be easy for him to sneak across the border, heck he did it when he was 14. (Oh gosh, a hundred years ago! Nabal is almost 50...) I was just being smart alicky, but he really was advising the protege against rehab. Same as he did with Pablito. Again this is the decon who is supposed to be looking out for the good of people. Will people stop at justifying nothing? Then Nabal completely shifted the blame for the protege's drinking onto the man's wife. If I remember the woman had done nothing wrong but the drunken machos had him convinced she was until he heard she was wisely investing their money and looking oh for the family. Nabal claims she was found to be living with another man when he returned. I would bet she had received a few drunk calls from him over his 3 year conversion to a full blown, waking to drink a fifth of vodka at 5 a.m. And staggering drunk by 10 a.m. He had women, girlfriends here who stayed overnight yet his wife is the only one in the wrong. Always with the damn Poor me crap. They spin out of control and when the women react, they are the victims of horrible women...

Just after Nabal's news about the protege an old friend called to ask for prayer for her husband. He has been abusive as long as I have known him. He plays a good game to the public. He's been an alcoholic as long as I've known him. He smokes weed like a chimney and introduced his now 16 year old son to it. He has off and on dabbled in crack cocaine. The man is a diabetic who has cost his family thousands of dollars in hospitalization because he continues to drink. He hasn't worked in at least 10 years. Last year he had shunts put in his brain to drain fluid, and yet he drinks. This night he can't breath on his own because he saw the need to use crack again. I've heard he introduced his son to that also. His wife is so damn mad about this. His thoughtless actions. She asked why. All I could say was that addiction skews thought and  they can't say no. These were simple country people  who got swallowed by drugs. I feel for her, I could hear anguish in her voice. Hate mixed with...loyalty? Her love moved on many years ago. He has made all their lives hell.  If I told Nabal, he would start into decrying the man's drug addled life. Nabal is good at picking apart all the things the other guy does that seperate him from being a happy alcoholic and make him a monster. He likes his peers being worse drunks than he. He can feel superior.

1 Corinthians 5 has been resonating so much with me these last few months, maybe year. Why the big hoopla to judge the world's sins? Look at the dirt residing in those who call themselves brothers and sisters of the church. God isn't vague, yet justification for any and every sin is rampant. Not only sin, but the covering up of sin. Take heed churches. Don't stand between God and souls he intends for himself.

Monday

Maybe the worst day yet. My boy is mad angry. Got 2 more holes in the wall ad everything but threatening his sister's life. She is so depressed I'm more than worried because I believe she's trying to self medicate. Daddy's little girl is treating depression as he does. I'm very worried because I've heard she's in with some heavy drug users, way past weed. My son on the other hand got caught in the posting remarks on FB which someone saw and showed to his girlfriend and told her it was directed at her. Girlfriend went to my girl  crying. Girl gave girlfriend a shoulder to cry on then broke up with my boy via text. (confused yet?) His side and reason to place blame is his sister- he thought she showed girlfriend the posts (in reality he found out some guy where they work showed her) So then he says my girl told girlfriend to break up with him. My girl denies this. I think she's an easy target. Told him she was trying to be a friend to the girl, sister is 16, girlfriend is 20. Maybe she did throw my girl under the bus to deflect anger. Told her today to never get between him and another girlfriend unless and until she's way older. Oh God...just 6 short months!

I have been asking people to pray for our family. Maybe everything has to break loose. Don't mind saying its all frightening. He is trying to blunt pain with bravado. Talking about wanting to kill the offending man. I told him to not use an ax to kill a fly. He's saying he won't mind doing time for the slight. He may end up there he is so angry simply a powder keg. Everything in this house is a powder keg. I just don't see any good end.

What is Nabal doing in all this? He is either clueless or pretending cluelessness. None of us would dream of telling him as he can turn a powder keg over and light the match then walk around justifying why whatever he did was reasonable. He can turn a bad situation horrible in a second.

Was talking to another parent today and she was telling me how nasty it would get once I made it clear I was done and the marriage was over. I know she's right. At present he is turning on the charm so by then...all my fault. I will see nasty I have never seen before. That's what makes me dread the freedom.

Called in a lot of prayer today. Started on some knitting I needed to start to dampen brain chatter.

Sunday

Too rich! Nabal was yet again complaining about his pastora. Evidently after a year here she is still blaming the previous administrator for their churches lack of growth. Then Nabal says, "I guess everywhere there are abusive people they never take the blame for anything they are doing. They find someone else to blame." Oh my! 

Funny how now he considers his past pastor abusive, yet disagreed when said pastor's wife used the same word to describe his personal behavior.  And now the new pastora is too? Just kinda funny how he calls it in others. Before I was locked in marriage I saw people like that and walked the other direction. He stays and wants to play their game. I guess he sees himself as benevolent ruler to be. He waits his turn. He's had it before but being out in the open with no one to blame isn't his style. I'm holding him back because I will not bite. He needs a handy scapegoat. He doesn't have the actual nerve to completely take over and stay there I the face of opposition from other narcissistic personalities. Or for that matter from conscious objectors who personally disapprove of his behavior on biblical grounds. Any criticism he focuses on and looses focus. Good! One less narcissist in a pulpit. 

Let me say here. I do have issues with alcoholism, but not having a few drinks with friends. I have a problem with abuse wherever it hides. I have issues with people bringing their dirt into the church and want to call it right for their own purposes. My scripture  tells me that anyone outside my religion (hate that word really) is God's to judge. (Yeah most Christians miss that) but the one who calls himself brother yet is breaking all the rules is to be dealt with by the church. If these don't shape up then they are to be put out so maybe they can see how far away they really are. Now you see why the church goes after the world, tending the home fire is way harder...

Saturday

I still find it hard to smile. My face feels like weights are pulling every inch or it down. I need help... I had the good fortune to speak with a friend who herself went thru 12 years of hell behind one such as Nabal. 12 years...gosh! If it takes that long I'll be so very old.

Saw a Lifetime movie today... Gosh it was about a woman who divorced and became homeless. Yes I could see that happening.

Nabal has been weirdly nice. Overly nice and asking me every little thing. Like he is one of my kids. I know he sees the handwriting on the wall.. Maybe my crash of the last few days have him worried. I just haven't said a lot since Wednesday. Of course this time it wasn't him pushing me over that edge. It was the 16 year old. It's normal, they live to push parents to sanity's edge. Usually with two parents there I a united front. Oh, but we know there is no front here. I have often thought that single parenting would be easier. At least there would be only one signal going out. Funny, now that my girl is trying to duck me Nabal has been Jonny on the spot with rides and asking me have I hspoken to the child. And this is called sneaking between the cracks. This is the one all along I have been worried about.

Nabal just came down and tried to pinch my cheek...earlier he wanted to hug me when I gave him his dinner. He was talking in a childish high voice. As if he were trying to calm or joke with a child. I, in the past would forget the tricks if given some praise an attention. Those days are 3 years long gone. I see the truth behind it all far too clearly.

Yes some days I come off as Lucy with a whole lot of unsolicited advice. Like anyone really cares. Other days I'm Charlie Brown, but an older wiser Charles who will not kick any more. Years ago I was more like Snoops, can't wait for those days to come around again.

Friday

Holidays... I hope anyone who reads this (still trying to figure out who would be interested in my ramblings, and why...) had a joy filled Thanksgiving!

I hate to admit it, I feel like I'm whining. This year did me in. I cooked the turkey I bought a small one this year. Nabal asked (night before while drunk) should he invite some of his friends. He honestly thinks that is what makes me happy. Now, I like to cook up a feast on Thanksgiving and I enjoy sharing with people who would otherwise have no family to celebrate with. The difference between us is that I don't do it to feel superior. I do it to help others feel included, to be joyful. This year my girl just floored me, and not in a good way. She has been using drugs and drinking. She is a senior, but only 16. Nabal the other night announced that he had been 'watching' her and her friends for a while. What father 'watches' as their 16 year old uses drugs? Oh, the one who himself is so drunk he can hardly walk straight. I am so tired of living amongst liars. I had to go out and find her at 5 in the morning while the drunk snored on the living room sofa. Hell, evenif he had been sober I couldn't ask him to help. Good thing I got a small turkey I got it in by 1. I had all the makings of as traditional Thanksgiving meal. Yeah about that.. Turkey, pecan rice and string beans got made. I just shut down. Never really ate and had a whopping headache. I slept most of the day, just didn't seem worth making any effort. I made that that I did so the kids would not have a completely bust holiday. My whole system was just upset. I felt horrible, but knew nothing was physically wrong. Everything is so hopeless right now. How do I save my daughter? I know I really can't... My God! She was fed beer as a small child, has seen her father smoke weed and drink himself into oblivion. Most of this I kick myself for being in a fog and not seeing any of it. I trusted my husband. I trusted him as a father because he was raised by a drunk mother and figured he would do better. Instead he pulled his daughter in, makes her feel like she's not enough whenever he can, and  so jealous of his son that he has a better upbringing that he had to make him feel hated. How was I so stupid, misplacing trust. How did I feel that I could shield my kids, when I didn't know the half of it.

 Yesterday Nabal looked as if he was out of a Norman Rockwell picture except he didn't have his pipe going. Glasses perched on his nose there he sat on the same sofa he got drunk on the night before, studying for his upcoming sermon. Of course he didn't offer to lift a finger. I served him his plate and he asked me to join him. What planet is he on?!?

I feel like Sisyphus, feel like I make some headway then blindsided again. Just holding on until our girl graduates in May. Then what? Get her the hell out of this town. I know movin isn't a cure all, but here she has no chance whatsoever. I still dread it all. I realize fear still rules my life. Tried to talk to my girl today. How to help and not drive her away or further into her drugs. She looked at my and with the sme amusement Nabal gets when he's about to lie, asked me, "What did I do?" family counseling is the only route I can see. I need money, money, money.

Nabal asked me an hour ago if I wanted to go shopping at the mall. I haven't been anywhere with him in years. Says I can buy shoes from my girl. Suddenly we must be a FAMILY! Earlier he said we needed to go out to dinner without the kids I told him he hadnt eaten with the kids in uears  Crap like this makes me nuts. Knowin the complete truth doubt creeps up on me. This is a problem. This is exactly why I write. If I didn't things would get hazy, confused and start to creep away to forgetfulness.

Friends? No none that I care to bother. People have their own woes, their own problems. They do not need mine. Shame stops me too. People don't have time to do their own thing, they surely don't have time for my problems. No one trusts me to finally leave all this behind. I've worn out my sympathy welcome. Disinterest. I have no friends and they all know it. Been too much water under the bridge for anyone to care. No one wants a pathetic old figure. I was thinking of moving near 'friends' now I'm leaning more towards somewhere I know no one. Leave it all behind live on the outskirts of society and do my thing. Paint, sew, read. Learn to be the best in my business. Enjoy life on front of a wood stove. Disconnect. Ah, best pastime of all- acting like I belong. Hell, I don't even friend people on FB, don't want to impose on people. Well, no more than 5 of the people I am 'friends' with. You know, when I do try to communicate with people I feel I'm intruding. I often look back and feel I've come off stupid and angry and unfeeling. I'm done. Lately I've wanted to talk, but realized something else...no one calls me. And that there is my answer right there in the silence. I have been written off. I'm old news.

The Black Hole of Home

Our in the street I plan all the amazing things I'm going to get accomplished. I know I have to have a plan when I go in, thought escapes me inside those walls. Sort clothes, organize, some days even pack some things to maybe move to storage. I enter and hopelessness sets in. Fatigue takes over eating seems a chore, much more the cooking any more. All plans...well laid plans...gone like any other ambition here.

It's not just me. We say anywhere else we are organized, energetic, and mindful. Enter here and the prevailing bought is sleep. Some find it easily. Some find it illusive. We all find reason to be anywhere but the house. It's no longer much of a home. It hasn't been for many years. The illusion has been kept as a hologram. The image, devoid of substance.

It is a stumbling block of sorts. To go I need all my 'baggage' together. I'm keeper of many family treasures including the house. The thought makes me I'll at times.  Worry is becoming my strong point. Not good. My children long to escape. I do too. Nabal longs to keep us all here. Set in place, the perfect family. A credit to his self denial. We are the problem. We create all our own problems.  His actions and lack there of have nothing to do with any of it. "Everything he has ever done has been for us." Therefore he gets drunk for us. He gets high for us. Stands in the streets fighting for us. He chases women for us. He lies...for us. We are in the wrong if we have lives that don't include him and revolve around the house. Oh...yet when we do have people over he hides. He leaves. He complains about the people. Mostly questioning their morals, their appearances, their  their not Spanish enough ever. Unless they are and he can find out some parental dirt.It's about control, it's an isolationists move. So well trained, we now self isolate.

Tonight hes stumbling drunk. Says he almost fought with Beto. Says Beto started it. He's not sure what the guy's problem is- maybe he's gay. (Where that came from I'll never know.) Nabal smells like straight alcohol. I got him to go away because the door alarm on the fridge was blaring. He claimed he hadn't touched the fridge so it wasn't his fault. Really? I'd just heard him put beer in it. Agh, the extent he will go to not be blamed for anything. He went upstairs and yelled at the fridge because it was complaining he'd put beer in it... He says he needs a 'lady' he's going to see a lawyer. I can't survive without him. I chose him so I have to keep Jim   I'm stupid because I married him. All rich people are lucky not smart because he's smarter than they are. He's never going to let me down  did I forget any of his random rambling?oh yeah, don't I want to come sleep with him. Oh yeah, just let me grab a lighter so I can light your breath! That's soooo enticing.

This house is ruined for me, and most likely the children. Home? I'm pretty sure it's wherever he is not. All I need is a sink, a stove and a wood stove. Indoor plumbing is not a necessity  I can go cheap if my kids are in school and on campus. My animals have fur. I can work, and maybe in a new place I can settle into a place for a while. Save some up for what I want to do, Lord willing. Here I exist, waiting to exit.

Haha! He knows I'm feigning sleep. Even as he feigns most everything.

I am so mad and just want to do something...juvenile even. I would love to write on his truch tailgate in Spanish 'big drunk.' Why? Because it would feel good!why don't I...? I guess I'm just not that into going there...yet. I came soooo close tonight tho.

P.S.
Sometimes you are not sure how drunk someone is until THEY start asking questions and give it away. Early this morning Nabal comes downstairs and wakes me to ask why our girl had called him last night. She was at a friend's helping them get ready for Thanksgiving. Concern in his voice. My exasperated reply: Because you called her. He is never happy unless everyone is sitting in the house so he called her, doing his evil elf laugh. She called right back but he'd gone on to the next drunken caper and forgotten all about his call. Little late 8 hours later. 

Pre-Thanksgiving

So interesting week already. Monday Nabal was soo drunk Monday night that Tuesday I found about $20 of weed just sitting on the dining room table amongst several empty beer bottles. He's so worried about his kids and drugs...great role model there dad. (sarcasm intended)

Today Nabal sees me coming down the stret almost home. Calls me whining about all he has to do and still needed to pick up chicken food. Back up to where I'd just come from and when I get back home he calls again.  He's looking for the name 'Craigslist' and he was so drunk already I could hear it right away by how high his voice was.

I just realized something important. I don't have anything against recreational smoking anymore than having a beer or so. Even drinking one too many when celebrating. What I have a problem with is that Nabal over does it all. He spent years doing it in front of the kids if I wasn't around. He has shown them a lifestyle of substance abuse, not responsible use. He spy's on the kids while he stumbles about drunk and high. Drunks can't sneek! So they all know, and they all despise him. Yet what remains to be seem is will they unwittingly follow him anyway because it appears and feels normal to them?

I still kick myself for not telling him to go 10 years ago when he threatened to leave constantly. Why did it make me so sad? Why was I so scared to go it alone. Why couldn't I see that even though I was left around as a child by a vain mother that my children would have felt loved and cared for even if they had a sitter. It wasn't the sitters, it was the feelings from home. I've turned one dis functional set up into another. I feel at wits end. I feel like everything is spiraling out of control. I feel as if let my kids down more than even I was. So...happy holidays.

I am thankful for my kids and the few and rare friends. (many of which are fur covered)

Sunday

So I dodged the whole fake family unit thing at Nabal's church last evening because I worked all day and fell asleep at 4 p. m. Found out he made our girl and a few Spanish kids go. She said the pastor woman and her daughter gave her weird looks and made them fill out information cards.  These cards had on them 'I need to be saved' the woman told all the kids they needed to mark that. Ok, weather it's true or not...you don't go telling people that way! I'm kinda guessing Nabal is telling them 'his' woes about the kids. Perfect way to get them off him, and they are that stupid to follow his reason knowing how he has acted around them.

I'm sitting in the basement he's drunk talking on the phone. First it was to someone in his church. Mind you he's drunk enough to hear it in his voice and he's arguing that they can't tell him drinking and drunkenness is a sin, that's their interpretation. Basically, 'Don't judge me!' it's an argument I hear him have all the time. A really messed up church because they have no way of holding him accountable, but with repeated pleading and reasoning from one of his 'brothers' he doesn't relent in the least.

Later I hear him speaking in English. He's talking to a smoking buddy of his. One he tries to convince to stay in church with wrong doctrine. Heck I remember when the guy hated churches. Hope Nabal doesn't mess another soul up... So I hear him tell this guy laughingly about some Spanish boys that he made go to his dinner. Then he loudly and drunkly tells the man that he (Nabal) preached. Then laughs and says, "Can you believe that?" Then laughs again. it's all a joke. I think even he is surprised he's getting away with being a known drunk all around yet being the go to preacher. I just don't understand any of it... It's why I won't set foot over there. I guess you'd have to understand my thoughts and understanding of a reasonably healthy and functional church to understand why I don't understand... Well, I do understand that I am done with this farce and I really do need counceling to get motivated and get over this lingering fear. I'm pretty sure everyone has given up on me. It's been really hard to figure if it has been better to be here for a short time more or to have broken loose when things got crazy. I still wonder if it wouldn't have been better to have lost everything , yet held onto sanity more closely. Thing is I know that I will be completely on my own.  I can do homeless, or shack in the sticks. Would it have been better compared to this for my girl? Coward I am, that I can see.

Friday

Nabal came in from church so very happy. We got Subway and sodas. He said he had something new and pulled out a beer bottle. My girl and I told him wasn't anything new about him and he's beer.  He insisted it was different. I suggested it was larger. He grinned and announced he was going to start to make his own beer, as it's cheaper... Oh boy. He got that bottle from one of his clients who had made his own. Told him I had a Pepsi for him and he told him he couldn't drink them anymore. When he drinks Coke or Pepsi he can't urinate. Wonder what the heck that is all about. Later he was Dan ing around because tomorrow is his church Thanksgiving dinner and he believes Agee are Ll going to make an appearance so he will look normal to all his church people. He doesn't care about anything further than his image. I keep telling him I'm not going and neither are the kids. He's just pretending we are, as if believing will make it so. Oh if that were true...I'd be miles away and free of one Nabal and getting help for the kids because I had sufficient income.

Holidays... Bah Humbug

Life sucks. Holidays are almost here, I used to love Thanksgiving and Christmas. When the kids were young thanksgiving was a big day. Dinner for at least 20 anyone who had no family here was invited. Good times. Christmas decorations, a tree and the house in lights. Driving around to see the pretty lights. Now...it's as if the town echoes me back, slowly fading away. Old folks die out, new folks who don't decorate or mark the time of year dominate. last year and the last few years I made dinner. That's it. No big meal. No Christmas tree. No lights, I got tired of putting them up as Nabal stopped years ago. The tree went from large to a small fake, prelit thing that sat in the bay window. Thanksgiving is about the same, but I do cook a turkey and all my grandma's good southern holiday food. Nabal likes to pretend I do all this for him, I do it so the melencholy won't overrun the kids.  I used to love this time of year, now I wish I could sleep thru until January 3rd when it's all over. The worst part is Nabal, trying to use all of us as his big happy family. Parading to his church so he looks good.

This year double sucks. Just saw my Father's side of the family just had a couples outing. Well, that puts me out right there. What gets me is that some woman showed up on their doorstep and claimed her mother told her she was my Father's child. Without question they (the old gullible  cousins) welcomed her with open arms. This when old fmily friends denied any liaison. A living uncle told me to be leary of her and not to trust her, and yet she is invited to every family gathering and treated as a cousin. Hell, I wouldn't mind treating her as a cousin. But sister? No. Another manipulative ex addict is not what i need in my life at any time. One pushy cousin insist on her being included. That after they have seen her manipulative behavior and meddling. Life sucks, and you keep on living. This is going to be such a bad year. Which anniversary of my realizing Nabal was nothing but a womanizing liar? This is why alone is a blessing for me. I can lie to myself. I can manipulate myself, but at least I know when it's being done. This is not going to be a very good year at all.

Monday

Nabal just puked all over my bathroom down here in the basement. He wiped most of it up, but it went all over the place... It was the end of a night of  mind f"#%ery. I've just been tired of repeating the same old crap over and over, so I haven't been writing. I give Nabal credit for staying sober most of last week. Credit in that I mention all he does wrong so I should mention what he got right, because if this ever comes to evidence it needs to be as balanced as I can be.  Damn! Not I have to disinfect the damn bathroom here this late at night... At least he went and passed the heck out.

Today he's been saying I love yous all day. We all figured out why he's being so mister good husband/father. He wants to parade all of us to his church for their 'Thanksgiving' dinner on the 17th. Tonight he repeatedly asked if I was going. I'm working kids are working. He actually asked me if I couldn't make some time for him. I just think when he says things like that about all the times he couldn't 'make time' for any of his kid's big days. My flip moment tonight was when he repeated that he wished he could make enough money to make me happy. Implying that all my actions: sleepin on a couch in the basement, seep rating myself from him all this he says is because he can't make enough money to keep my attention. I called him on it, and I wasn't nice about it. He said it so sweetly, and with a big smile. I told him I was not his mother, waiting around for money, nor does money abundance or lack, color my feelings about people in general. Let's see... What other tactics did he use tonight. Saying his will was stronger than mine and he would make me be his again, his way. I was his little lady and I couldn't change that. Telling me he has powers. (yes...)

When our son got home Nabal was telling him a story. The story followed a crack the boy made about Nabal being wasted and basically said he'd been on crack. Nabal proceeded to tell the 18 year old, his son, about buying crack on a job here in town. He was buying it for a friend since he could get good prices from the dealer who was another worker on the job site who used his own product. Then told how the guy he bought it for, a business owner Ronald, had hurt himself while high on it. Yes and Nabal is still telling everyone else they are practicing Christianity incorrectly. Yup, why neither of the kids has any thing to do with Christianity. He was lecturing me tonight about being filled with the Holy Spirit. Somehow he forgot the part that says being drunk interferes with that... The Thomas Jefferson Christian, all parts that he doesn't like, he conveniently decides are not for him.

What else did this fun night hold...? Oh! He wasn't a motorcycle... Wants me to ride with him. Heck, I won't ride in a car with him! There was something else also... Nabal told me he has never once been mean to me and I'm the mean one, always have been. Why? Because I won't put up with his crap. Oh! Now he claims never to have  chased any other women. Dared me to name one. So I bit, named Mary. He said she was never his lady. She must have turned him down when he asked her to be his girlfriend. Than said I must think he is some hot guy that all the women want. Nope, but I think he's a skirt chaser. Then he claims he had chances I had no knowledge of and I didn't know everything. I played along and told him he didn't know what I knew but just didn't talk about. The look on his face, priceless! Then he said: Women always think they know everything. Well enough of the looser, it all bores me these days. I don't even talk about it to people anymore. I'm just wishing it was all over.

Nabal said he drank a soda today and it made him sick. Said the soda was bad... Last week when he wasn't drinking I really think he was feeling bad. He looked like he was in pain after he drank so much one night last week. I think he knows he's killing himself. He will be sick tomorrow. He never ate his dinner, he forgot. Too busy drinking. Oh well. I hate to even realize it, but I'm past caring.

Wednesday, The Drunk Part

Nabal came down here not 15 minutes ago with chicken soup I made the other day when I knew I was coming down with this virus. He'd dumped a while small bag of Fritos in it. Tortilla soup I like, Fritos not so much. The point of this is he could barely walk straight and was slurring. He comes back speaking clear (authoritative) Spanish discussing the bible on the phone. He was saying: Y San Lucas (repeated a few times) Gets to the bottom of the steps and covers the phone and asks me where was Luke from... I'm sick, and I honestly don't know if I'd have remembered if I wasn't. He whips the phone up and changes his voice tells whoever is on the phone he'll have to do some investigating to find out. He was getting ready to try to school someone. I could tell by his voice. I may be wrong, but a drunk discussing bible stuff as a church elder of authority...just not right. I'm pretty glad I didn't remember. Really didn't want to be a part of his act. That's the one and only reason he has decided to 'hold onto' me... I remember a lot and I'm not too dumb. I'm his secretary. Oh of he could find a replacement, he'd be gone without a trace.

Come on replacement! I know, I will need to stand up and do this myself. Earlier he came down asking if I was his little lady... Are you still my wife. I want to be close to you baby. Hey he traded me in for newer models and that didn't work out, not my problem.

Wednesday

So I'm usually at church, but I'm in with a virus today. I heard Nabal giggle and run out the house a while ago. I went upstairs to take a pill and noticed the computer. He'd only been home a short time. So took a look. Seems to be Nabal's paramour Mary's birthday! And he has enough time to get some brownie points for doing something special. We'll see.

So looked at Dr. Phil today. Today's show really made me think. About my boy's anger and my girls. Why hadn't I seen? Why had I taken Nabal's word that the time I questioned whether he'd pushed the boy down. I believed Nabal when he said the boy fell? Why had I let him cower me when he told me I was making the boy a mama's boy by interfering with discipline? Why did I not see it all until he got so bold as to say he wanted to take the child out back and 'beat him up' as if they were equals? I let them down so much. I wish so much I could find a way to make it up to both the kids. I can see from my current perspective that Nabal has always just pretended something doesn't exist, or is so, and it's confusing. I can't hang on that as an excuse. I'm an adult, when did I abdicate my. Ommon sense? I am so ashamed, frustrated, mad a myself! I need to find a way to fix all this. I pray it's not too late for either of my children. I pray there is hope for them. In the end I have allowed it all. I should have seen more, I should have ended this over 10 years ago, but crying over spilled milk is futile. Starting from here I need to get my act together. I need money badly. I'm pretty sure I need to be elsewhere to really do business because I'd get comfortable and get stuck here even longer. I can go an hour east, but I get the suspicion I need to go north. Maybe do some healthy hanging out with old friends. Whenever I hang out with them I feel so stupid, so inadequate. Like they'll discover I'm...a fake and never talk to me again. I don't want pity, just a view, a glimpse of who I was when I was strong. When I was happy. Remind me of what was good about me. Why? So I can be courageous again. I fear so much these days. I really need to seek professional help... Ahhhh, back to money. Ugg...

Nabal and Facebook...

Seems Nabal is imagening himself as harem master or something goofy like that. I had male friends. Omment on a sports team picture so he's been going through their pictures. Our girl had several young men comment on her page. (she's 16) and he's been all through their pictures. I can give him these two. What made me chuckle (and you have to understand my mindset at this point) I saw some guy he'd been stalking, no friend of mine nor my girl. It was some guy that had made a harmless comment on Ms. Mary Sims post... He doesn't care about us... It's all about what he believes he owns!  

It's extremely interesting to see all his quirks from the outside and inside at the same time. To understand that it's not about me or my daughter. It's about him, and his beliefs about women. I'm sure all that will come out on some drunken accusative tyrade. He hasn't taken that tactic in a while. I'm waiting, because I know he'll pull it out when he thinks I'll least expect it. After all he has done... He is looking so hard for a reason to be a victim. Just like he made himself victim of a malicious ex-friend after all the guy did was tell the truth and out him. Out him for his bad behavior. (That is if you are an elder of a church and just in general a married man!)

Can't wait to get away!

Tuesday

Nabal came in from church and asked me a question on doctrine. Don't be fooled, it's 11 and he's pretty drunk. I answered and didn't think much else of it. Later he starts telling me his pastor told him just the opposite, yet his previous pastor Noel told him as I had. It all boils down to his current pastor having really abberant doctrine. She thinks that God is through with the Jewish nation and everyone doing them harm is doing God a favor. As I said very bad, misguided doctrine and thinking.

Then Nabal starts telling me he thinks his pastor now has something against him. Internally I'm thinking maybe she's heard about him from somewhere, but can't imagine her letting him stay as an elder if she did know. He went on to say that she changed towards him after he took a fellow to church. (The particular fellow is the guy who left town to stop drinking. Nabal was not remotely happy until he got the guy drinking again. All while he was taking him to church and drunk preaching.) That feeling got stronger... Nabal explained how he took the woman pastor everywhere she needed to go when she first got here. (Really, most pastors would not spend so much time with a member of the opposite sex as it may seem to be inappropriate or a temptation.) Evidently Beto took a shine to her, and that's when it all broke loose. I understand that I am only hearing Nabal's side of the story which may only graze the truth lightly... Nabal claims Beto became jealous of him and told the woman everything about him and his past. (Ha! His current! Knowing the truth unbeknownst to the liar has its perks.) If that's the truth he probably did know everything because most of the time he was sober during Nabal's worst times. He said it like something so very unfair had been done to poor little him. Then says that Beto and the woman had argued and split when she became friendly with another gentleman. He did say she wasn't dating just talking. He Put in that he'd tried to warn her that Beto was crazy. Nooooo, Beto isn't crazy, he's a macho Mexican who thinks women are whores if they speak to another man. Even the pastora... I don't say this as a blanket statement about Me ican men, but I know these guys and have known them for more than 10 years. Them and their families and they are true machos. A brother here with the secretary he left his wife for still had the woman answer and screen calls as if they were still at some office...hell, they were living in public housing! Back to Nabal. I just looked on. All that had happened was the woman had changed towards him? Well, I'm assuming he's being given plenty of room to repent. Then Nabal shook his head and says so, she has wrong doctrine...maybe I should change churches.

So now I wonder if he was talking to his friend Hector or to his pastor when he was explaining that no one could judge him and that God would not punish anyone. He'd done nothing wrong in God's eyes. Well, I have always felt that I wasn't to go tell on him that it would all come out in the end.

It works like this. When caught repentant folks will cave and see their errors. He was quite irritated with his drinking buddy for letting the cat out the bag as it were. I guess the guy did break guy code. I have found tho that these guys are gossips. Mama's boys gossips. I assume the net will be pulled as time goes on.

Me... I'm doing the Chinese medicine thing as fall is for drawing inward. I really need to do a lot of internal work on myself. Past is past and I have a responsibility to myself to deal with all my bad traits I have from how I grew up without using all the distinction as an excuse. Remember how not to drain people. How not to let other people's actions cause a reaction. To let go of things. Things that clearly I have misjudged. I'm back to thinking about wiping out Facebook. Maybe it's depression of still being here. Maybe I'm still here because I have work yet to do. Time will tell I assume. If all the things I dream and wish for are there at the end of my journey to an even better me, then it was all meant to be. If not it would have been all wrong anyway. So crazy as my life appears I'm waiting on God, and working on me. Doing what I have to do to protect what's broken in me until it's mended.

Sunday

The worst day since my birthday... I'm just at a place where I have to push things that hurt, away. People that hurt, whether intentional or not. I'm just way too hypersensitive these days. They push me off center when I don't need emotional upheaval.  And I know in this case it's needing support that just can't be given. It's an old, dear tie who is coming out of survival mode. I still need to find solid ground. Bye old friend, will miss you. Cutting people out, slowly but surely. It's scary finding out that trying to survive you've become an emotional vampire. Got to find center on my own so I don't damage friendships that matter to me. Hope I already haven't. Hell, I've been flying solo for almost 20, I'm good at this. I'd rather alone than hurt and be hurt by people that actually mean something to me. I get enough emotional cycling here at home. I need to be surrounded by people who can't make an emotional dent no matter what.

Nabal has been weird. Drunk, but sober yesterday and really playing up the victim of wholesale misunderstanding. Yesterday I was moving furniture into their winter places. It's a real deep clean, and what really pisses me off is Nabal's pig spot in the living room where he drinks. Cleaning off the coffee table...it was my mother's good furniture. I stored it until my kids were old enough. OT to destroy is accidentally. I try to have it there with coffee table books and coasters. Oh yeah, for non existant guests and only other drunks show up. The table is filthy- beer caps, crumbs, sticky crap, food scraps, actual dirt from his shoes... All under bibles, commentaries, notebooks, scraps of paper (notes on jobs) torn up phone cards. I have to actually wash down fine furniture... He tried the Mr. Romantic move. (FYI, trying to reward for acceptable behavior) I'd just. Leaned up the sticky dirt mess from the floor where he sits too. I was not happy. I told Nabal to back off, he asked why. So I told him in plain English. He has all but ruined my furniture with his barn yard ways. He asked (with a straight face) what I was talking about. Actually denying what was before him. This used to trip me up... Now, it just tees me off. Told him to paddle on down de-Nile. When he persisted in innocence I flippantly said leprechauns must sneak in at night and make the mess. He giggled and walked off. Calling the sky something other than blue.

Saw Nabal has opened up another charge card at a store. First it was at the hardware store, now it's at a clothing store. He's gonna sink himself and I hope he doesn't drag us with him. A few nights he was drinking and was talking about making lots of money and not letting it all get away from him this time, then turns around and sees an Escalade in a movie and says he's going to buy one with all his money he's going to make. OMG! Money's already spent! He has a lot of people who want him to work at the same time. He won't schedule them because he thinks they'll go elsewhere. Then he says maybe he should go up on his prices to 'weed' them out. Seriously? Drunk talking... I'm realizing that I can't pull the money I need to make here in town. Just too many people with the same profession and too many running scared and low balling and not setting professional boundaries. I need an hours drive each day to make what I need... Saw Nabal sent $600 to his brother, probably for his other brother's sick kid. Also saw that as soon as he got some money in the bank he was back to texting Mary. Yeah, I'd given up trolling his phone, but something told me to have a look. And no drinking isn't the issue. The first reply was at 11:30 in the morning her telling him she was at work. His original had been erased. The second day her reply was at 5:30 in the evening, her replying, "no, I'm at home..." Again his side was erased. What he's trying to do is get her 'under control' a thing he can't find here at home because I work erratic schedules. The texts were October 10 and 11. I dislike life lived with agendas. Why not just live? I think it's a trait of controlling people.

Thursday

Yesterday was the first Wednesday in forever that Nabal wasn't drunk. Guess Monday and Tuesday did him in... Well seems Sunday night ( or was it Saturday was an all night prayer vigil at his church. Heard him on the phone telling someone and I do understand he's liar enough to have faked it, but I dont want to be completely paranoid.

I found out he's not only stalking Mary's FB, but mine and my girl's too. I've hidden a lot because he gets on and makes comments that appear as if he's a devoted husband even as he's trolling Mary's pictures. I'm so lucky to know the back story... Oh and he spent an hour accessing Match.com from FB only because 1. He can't figure how to get there from his browser all the time and 2. He doesn't realize that his friends on computers can see him. Oh well...

Don't know if I mentioned: The other night when he was drunk and wanting to open his email to get correspondences sent from a company, I showed him again how to open his email account. He never opened either letter from them but the emails about women that Match.com sent him. He was checking out local women they thought he'd match up with. I asked him the next day what the emails said and he said, "I couldn't open anything up so I gave up." like I said back story knowledge is more than valuable! He actually sounded quite annoyed over technology he could not master... Subterfuge...

Me... I'm so floating along and need to figure a way to get work in another adjacent area where there are not so many who have the same profession as I do... Also I'm leaning in a different direction as they do locally. I love my truck, but I need something smaller, easier on has and a little newer for everyday commuting. I only need my truck if they are calling for snow. I'm looking at at least an hour commute any way I go. I'll have to wait till graduation as I can't count on anyone else and said child hangs with too many pot heads to be left all on their own without policing. My eldest is so sometimie,  some days not speaking. Really can't wait until that one gets on their feet. Living at homecontributing nothing, yet acting like an adult and at times hostile. Mabal's legacy. My graduate wants to motor across the US if the money is there. Odd a lot of people are shifting this year in and out so I'll see in June. Maybe I can find something with the same schedule and we can ride together and get out of this environment. I can out enough together to further my studies and get out of here. Lord be my helper I won't have to pass another winter hers. I'll be able to rent my house and go live elsewhere and Nabal can do what he wants and not have to lie to me about it. Of course he'll fine someone else to lie to, but hey, not my problem!

What does hurt is walking away from old friends because I don't want to burden them and some don't want to be burdened. I get it, I think I'm coming out of a period where I was draining. I still need to pay someone to listen that will hie me feedback. Like stop talking and get out of there, and constructive ass kicking. Old friends muddy the waters and cloud reasoning because I miss them, setting up doubt as to my reasons for leaving this situation. Or is my mind just looking for the path of least resistance? Guess I'll see as I put distance between important people.

Monday

So Nabal went to church and got home after 4 a.m. Looking back over the computer history from 6  a.m. he was looking at thru Mary Sims pictures. Come June... Yesterday my boy's lizard died. When he was away Nabal would go in and 'take care' of him. The lizards decline started after Nabal put a very large grasshopper in his tank. We fed him crickets, but the grasshopper was huge. Hadley as big as the lizard's body. The boy says Nabal told him he watched the fight for 3 hours. The boy said after that the lizard's mouth didn't close correctly. Thank you Nabal for another thing another casual death caused by alcoholism and just being brutal. Everything you love you love to death. He loves animals, but gets stupidly mean the drinker he gets. Moves closer to the way his brothers are with animals. His mother killed any attachment to animals normal people have. Horrible woman. The boy said yesterday Nabal happened in and asked after the lizard, when told it had passed his reply was poor thing. Didn't ask why just turned on his heels and went back outside. He claims alcohol fog and really does not remember many things, but there are some things he knows and remembers.

Sunday

My girl and I went to a wedding 5 hours away. It was so nice to get out of town. See something else, see other people. Went to church this morning then talked to my boy for a a few hours. I'm Leary of him still, don't trust him after I heard how he treats his girlfriend. I haven't heard if he is doing anything different now that he has a job and is expected to be responsible. He is talking to his sister again. Time will show me, but I think he does need counseling still, as we all do. 

Tired hit me after driving 10 hours yesterday on 3 hours sleep. I'm awake now, but I'm hiding out just don't feel like participating. 

I'm really feeling like deleting FB again. Don't want to offend anyone, and more than a little saddened because I figure no one would really notice... In this case guessing is way better than knowing for sure. Maybe it's the  birthday month blues. It's mostly in my life been forgotten. My birthday really usually just makes me mad and sad. I scour my mind and can't really remember a good birthday since I was probably about 8. Odd, I like to plan fun birthdays for other people. I know it's just me feeling sorry for myself... Even when people try it always seems to be an afterthought. McDonalds, if I get a present nothing fits and always way too big. Nothing new, it's been a lifetime's worth.  Parents would forget. Husband would forget, guess everyone's does. My mom and aunts would always call and remind him. I don't remember anything... Just clothes too big. Hey jewelry fits everyone... Let's see, the last few years Nabal has picked my birthday to usually solicit one of his ladies. He had plans this year now he's turned over a 'new leaf'...some romantic get away. Wow, looks like a nice gesture from him right? He wants me to make arrangements for us. Ok... Let's see, yes he'd pay. I'd make all the plans and he figures we'd have sex. Wow! Great present for who? I honestly prefer just to ignore the day. No one remembers except my kids. And im not a person who minds getting older..haven't lied about my age since i was 21, and then i added years to get into bars! 

I'm really feeling like drawing in right now, give everyone a break from me. Not expecting means not to getting disappointed. Maybe I have always put out a vibe that I don't want to celebrate my birthday. It's just personal, my day.  It hurts when no one is around to celebrate with. Always been a sticking point with me probably just a flaw with me. My grandparents made the day special maybe I just got spoiled.   My grand father's birthday started the month off. After that I have almost every day with people in my life born this month. Some very important to me. My chest tightens a little more each day until its past. Like Charlie Brown, he has hope that one day Lucy will hold that ball for him. I celebrated a major milestone birthday 2 years ago. It came, it happened, it passed. It was a horrible year the lowest point. This is why numbness has always served me. Expectation, feeling the self pity, the loneliness just makes me sad. But I guess deep down who isn't. I have hated my life for...ever. But like going to the wedding yesterday, I just like to be out amongst people and I can feel  normal. Hang around the fringes and look on. Probably how I got into this whole mess. Pursuing normal...

My daughter just reminded me its birthday eve. I'd forgotten... I am happy she's excited. Maybe this one will be better.

Friday

Why yes, Nabal is drunk...wasn't expecting any different. Picked up my girl from work. When I came in the house the TV was blaring music and he was making a mess in the kitchen... Sad thing? The blaring music was the problem. Our boy is asleep because he has to be at work at 4 a.m. Thoughtful parenting? Not when there's a drunk afoot!

So I think I've realized the problem. I'm like a kid or a puppy that's pent up all the time, and when I finally do get out I'm nuts... Sad really. I've spent so many years solitary and been able to cope. What went wrong? What changed? Well first step to a solution is figuring out the problem. Let's just say I'm half way there. Maybe I'll be cured one day... I tell you, this has been a weird week. All the lunes were thrown my way. This week is the first time I have ever felt like throwing in the towel and just giving up. Just sink into myself and never come out. Hell of a pity party, lasted all week. Maybe I just saw too many things the way they really are and just got a system overload. Feels like hope just up and walked away this week.

Disrespect

I opened the front door today and there was a pile of mortar just inside the door on the wood floor. There was a trail that led to the hall and into the bathroom. I have asked Nabal for 16 years to not track mud and such into the house. To me this is disrespectful to the house and to his family. An entitlement, an expectation that he will be cleaned up after. Then he will on a given day lecture me about the wood flies I stripped and finished.

I noticed many years ago in his mother's house that she swept and cleaned all day. If the poor woman had a pile of dirt in the floor she was sweeping and any of her sons came in they would track right thru is. If I'm not mistaken, in America that is disrespectful. If someone is sweeping you have sense enough not to walk thru their pile of dirt. I'd get on them and they would all looks at me like I was nuts. She'd rant and call them pigs, they would laugh and she would look tired and relent. Disrespectful. To home, to person, to themselves. It is a small thing, but so indicative of the larger picture. The mindset behind it? "women clean, what else do they have to do, so why worry?" how the hell did I get myself into this? Punishing myself I assume.

Wednesday

Not a good week at all... Just been feeling down for the Past few weeks. Feeling trapped, feeling lonely. Partly because Nabal is suddenly 'making plans' like there is nothing wrong. His fantasy world is spilling over into my reality. I know it's a tactic, pretend and ignore and it diminishes me and my getting away. It seems so hopeless because I know when it all comes down he's gonna be such the victim. Tonight he got mad because I moved away when he was trying to hug me and act familiar. Said I had chosen him to marry and I was stuck with the choice. He didn't understand why I was 'acting' like I do. I am pretty much tired of reminding him of why. He just minimizes anything he did as hard times and my being inflexible, unforgiving. Now he's planning my thanksgiving dinner for his church! He asked me how hard it was to make 50 tamales, told him too damn hard. I haven't made tamales in years. I love them. I realized that even in Mexico men help when it comes to tamales. Nabal has never helped or offered. Tonight he said he'd get a friend for me, to help. I told him I didn't need friends. He can pretty much go take his church somewhere else. He's the only one going along with a pastor everyone else has walked away from.

Tonight Nabal told me I needed to start drinking. Was trying to tell me I liked taquila. That didn't fly because I have never liked the stuff. Then he runs off a laundry list of liquer.  Told me it would make me a happy person and we wouldn't have any problems. Such a family man. His mother was a drunk, he hated that, and yet that is what he really wants for his kids.

Nabal keeps asking if I want to go learn how to dance with some people he knows. I guess line dancing or square dancing. I haven't danced in years because he gets drunk, acts a fool and wants to fight someone. I am not a great dancer, I can't do the dance he is quite good at. He does to me like he does to the kids. He won't teach at home- it's easy. That translates into being completely embarrassed in a room full of people.

Ya know...if I didn't have kids...it really wouldn't be worth going on at all. This all seems to be a continuation of my life. Whatever can go wrong usually does. If life cuts me a break, I manage to screw it up. I dislike hating, but more and more I'm so frustrated that that is all I feel. Friends? What is the use. Nothing anyone can do until I get away from Nabal. I can't talk or go anywhere.
I honestly have too much hate to be any kind of friend. I see myself really living alone as far back in the woods as possible. I can paste on a good face for what I do for a living. It friends are for the young, the social. It's just easier alone. Easier to be silent. I realized lately when I'm around people and have to talk I get afraid of the silence and end up saying too much. I'm just annoying most people anyway so I just might as well shut up. I'm good at what I do and I don't have to talk much to do it so that's really just perfect. In my head I can fathom things without bothering others. I can talk to God. But mostly I can be silent and listen to my music, learn my trade and enjoy solitude. I have a feeling I won't be missed to awful much anyway. Hell, Nabal's main need for me is my brain to do his work and keep his company going and easy sex so he feels good. I guess chores and food too. Other. Maybe I'm just having a pity party, maybe my life really has always sucked. It really has, Nabal is just a symptom not the cause. All that was laid in place before I had much say in anything. Some get over it, others, as a friend told me are just broken and that would be me- broken from the start. This is all a symptom. Gosh I hope I get over these blues and back to numb. I don't usually voice any of this, I'd just seem like I was attention seeking. I have been sick. Surgery sick and in extreme pain and a woman at the hospital told me I was attention seeking and nothing was wrong with me. I was 5 months pregnant and my appendix had ruptured. They didn't know yet and she couldn't find it. This is my life- any time I feel bad, which isn't often at all there is always someone to accuse me of lying.  Am I not worthy to be cuddled? Soothed? When my grand parents died so did any soothing. Even on bed rest after surgery everyone from my mother to my husband to the floor nurse told me it wouldn't kill me to get up and do just a little. The doctor disagreed. I'm pretty strong, yes. I'm tall, yes. Even a mule you don't put away wet. Why have I always been thought to be someone who should be able to stand whatever life throws my way without any shoulder for support, yet when all around me need support I'm expected to drop everything and be there at their disposal? Life isn't fair, of that I am quite certain, but I get small doses from a handful of special people many of who I have managed to chase away I'm assuming. Used to be an old saying: Don't get sick for too long, people will get tired of you. Maybe I've been sick for toto long in life. Nabal manages to berate me every single time I get sick. After I call him out he has to admit that may be once every year or two and not constantly. It's like I am never allowed. I'm the work horse that when I get lame they beat me to keep going. Hell just shoot me and put me out of my damn misery. My rant on my soapbox for my pity party. Thank you.

Monday

I'm just so tired of Nabal trying to tell me how I feel. He constantly tells me I'm angry. I'm not...annoyed, disgusted, frustrated, worn out. Those are what I am. When I get angry I get heated. So I know for a fact that I'm not angry.

Told him tonight that a family we have known for at least 16 years, the husband is having surgery tomorrow. Nabal proclaims: It's because he drinks too much. It's 12:21 at night and Nabal is blasting mariachi music. Our house is neither large nor soundproof. Ass! He's drunk off his ass. Claims EVERYTHING he does is because he cares for his family so much. Why doesnt anyone say something? No one wants to talk to him. We all know he doesn't give a rat's ass about anyone but himself.

Tonight he was trying to get me to promise I'd go to Mexico with him this Christmas because his niece is very ill. I really don't ever want to go to Mexico with him again. All I do there is clean, cook and fix everything they don't fix for their drunk of a mother. I told him he should go, just as an answer not to be rude. (Am I nuts caring I may be rude by not answering?) he starts lecturing me that it's his family and since we are married, therefore my family. I was like that once and I very much like two of his brothers. I don't have any want to pretend in there. I just won't not for any kind of face saving. His mother's house has no heat and I refuse to sleep in the same bed with Mr. Toucheyfeelie.

Tonight he was comPlaining about his old Pastor Noel. He's legalistic, he prefers and give preference to people with money. All trueby the way, and then some! Then he claims Noel knows what he does and does nothing about it. They are all without love and do nothing with love. True, but now the accusation of knowing his actions...very interesting. Pretty sure that's not the truth. Noel wanted Nabal to sign some legal document about him no longer working for the church. Then Nabal starts the drunk   Infusing talk. About how them asking him to sign something is against God and a sin. He kept wanting me to agree with him, but I didn't even begin to understand what he was talking about. I changed he subject. Nabal is just tiring to talk to. Guard every word, every inflection of the. Pice lest he act like I've done or said something to make him think there is nothing wrong. He really does try to catch me at odd moments and act normal. He's a sly one...but not sly enough. Just simply tiring.

Sunday

Such a bad night last night. Such a drunk Nabal last night. Saturday night he reeks of beer. Sunday afternoon he reeks of shaving lotion. Too much alcohol nauseatingly overdone applied in ea h instance. I could write but I'm tired. Later.

Friday

Nabal... Golly he was so drunk last night he didn't remember a thing and he did perform. I went to a history talk, our girl was hanging with friends, our boy was 'around.' I came in and Nabal roused out of his stupor as he listened to Mariachi music on the TV full blast. Our girl was out back with friends: boys and girls, black, white and Spanish. Nabal had it in his mind that the boys were trying to take advantage of the 'little Mexican girls.' These are all school friends past and present. He didn't care, he specially wanted to 'beat up' the black fellow. For no other reason than that he was black... Nabal is always crying about being discriminated against for being Mexican. He had tried to call me repeatedly while I was at the talk- my phone was on silent. He ended up calling our boy and telling him said crap. He proceeded to quickly pass out again and was down for the count. He said she was all he was li vying for...since I didn't want him anymore. How easily he makes it sound like I just lost interest or some such drivel. He tells  me what he did was just life and I just am not accepting it.

Lately it's been hard again, hard to be sociable. To think anyone would really seek me out as a friendI feel I have to say everything fast because I'll only get one shot. I'm ok with subject oriented people. Specific give and take. Makes it controlled. I so need help, but so do my boy and girl. He has anger issues and blame issues. Nabal didn't spend that much time with him but any time he did was training time. He actually instructed the boy in disrespecting women. But from the angle of men are never questioned by women especially on their house. Wow, set the kid up like that way before he was even 5 years old. Our girl told me she has anxiety or panic attacks. We are a f-ing mess. I would have never dreamed one person could cause such havoc and so subtly.

To this day he is still trying to make me responsible for his stuff. He refuses to take the chickens to a man wih land who likes and keeps chickens. Nabal has decided to keep them in his car he paid $5,000 for to fix up and sell. Yesterday he forgot to let them out of the car. At 1 p.m. He calls and asks have I let the chickens out the car. Of course I said no. He starts giving me a lecture about how much time it takes to let them out. Pretty much like I was some irresponsible child. I did let him finish...then let him know I'd just been out all morning taking care of all the well business in another county. His reply: Oh. He dropped the subject pretty quickly. I didn't being the chickens here. I told everyone I wasn't taking responsibility. I recently told him they needed to go elsewhere so they could survive the winter. He did this to me with our little dog. He brought her here and then old me it was my responsibility to train her. He née lifted a finger. To this day whatever that dog does is my fault. No one asked for a new dog. Our girl wanted one but completely different type. Just so very tired of being accused and held responsible for things that aren't my concern. He's always forced me in subtle ways to feel responsible, and mean and selfish if I didn't.

The other day a young acquaintance who is married to a Mexicam gentlan wrote of her frustration in cleaning dishes and the kitchen only to walk in the living room to find dishes, bowls, silverware and a glass her husband left by his chair... It is really that self deprecating to take your dishes to the kitchen? I'd it's that demeaning why save it for your beloved wife? I am not saying he even has to wash them, but why do the women have to hunt the house to find snack dishes?  I remember once my boy went to a friend's house for dinner and he got mad when he had to take his dishes into the kitchen. (Just like everyone else. Even the boys and husband) They are pretty conservative in roles in their house, yet she considers it common courtesy to lend a hand.

Tuesday

Nabal had the day off because of weather and he's drunk again. There is a reason I have been curt and unrelenting the past few years- if I'm in the least civil he suddenly thinks I've 'gotten over' my whatever. Tonight he was telling some story and I listened to it figuring an escape. He took that as some sort of overture. He tells me what a nice conversation we had. All I did was be polite like I was talking to anyone else. Less than 10 minutes and he's asking for a kiss. I worked the evening and he was out when I got home, Yay! He had the computer and had stalked every woman you could imagine, and been on FB's match.com page. Now he's talking about us going out with some couple he knows who square dance. Like that will ever happen. That's why I'm usually tight lipped. He is now talkin about us and movin to another house around here. I've told him time and again that I really dislike the area and that we are done. I think he has really convinced himself that I'm mad about lack of money. He has jobs now and thinks it all means I'll come around. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. He's had his chances and struck out every time. When all this started, and I woke up, he was rolling in cash. He pissed it all away. His excuse one drunken night for the ladies was that he 'went a little crazy' because of the money. In essence, if he has enough money he doesn't need me. He's going to be the playboy. I would actually like him to 'strike it rich' again. He'd be out of here faster than you could say divorce! He only started backpedalling when he realized he was broke and in so much debt. Why? He still needs my brain. Why am I still here, or why is he stil here? Finances, plain and simple. I can't afford to be free of him, and it's a little scary to wonder how he will react.

Ha! The other night he tried with the God wants one big happy family and I'm the one causing trouble. If I behaved: Our finances would straighten out. His church would grow. He'd stop drinking. Our children would be normal kids. Gee...not much of a guilt trip huh? So, still no apology, no acceptance of his part. Just a smiling: Sometimes things just get a little crazy and mistakes happen. Now come sleep with me and you'll get over all this. Really!?! I don't think so. I'd like to say ever...but I learned young to never say never.

Sunday

About to pop my corks. Suddenly after 4 or more years Nabal is asking about the holidays. And about our anniversary which happens to be sometime in November. It's been so long since I cared I've even forgotten the date. He laughed and said he's never done anything (in 20 years) because he never had time. WTF? Then says he's going to take me to dinner where we used to live. It's victim night, Nabal again asks if I think he's not good enough for me. Working my darn nerve. Whispering from across the room: Wanna make sex? Oh I see he's been all thru Match.com and got all hot. He tried to be so jovial. Laughing that: economy is bad, you're bad, something else was bad but, oh how he slipped that in. Blames me yet again for his drinking, he started because I don't love him. Told me his church was falling apart, but if I would just copoorate everything would work out. I was his wife and had to eventually give in to him so avid would be happy. He is reaching. Was talking about his pastor again. She'd left the country for a month now she's back and all the people hate her. He said while she was gone the people put him to preach and he was better. Then he lied and told me about his old friend who knows most of his dirt and that he'd been against him. Said the man must have been jealous. He then got on a campaign about an invoice he'd forgotten about until yesterday. He lied and said he'd told me inumerable times and I'd forgotten/ goes found and round over every detail, but in the end he was to drunk to do any business. Nor was he sober enough to read his bible and have an opinion...but he did. I had to stop him calling a customer at 11:30 at night. Said they'd be awake because they were old. He's really losing it. He's trying to pretend himself out of the reality of it all.

Friday

Yesterday Nabal graced our week with being sober. On his sober days tho he becomes super parent... Why is our girl downtown? Why is she never home? Ok, she's downtown because that's where all the highs school kids hang out. This town really doesn't have diversions for teens. To why she's not home more...reminder this is Nabal's first sober day this week... He fancies himself charming when he's drunk. Not. Also like our boy, whenever our girl brings friends over Nabal complains. He just wants everyone here in the house, alone. He seemingly wants everyone antisocial. I've noticed that the boy has friends like I do. They all have odvious flaws so that when Nabal criticizes its nothing we haven't already heard. Today I was handeling the well situation at our rental property. Nabal hadn't so much as looked at the papers. Lovely I get to sign them all sonic anything goes wrong it will be all my fault. He's played this crap before. Hopefully less than a year. Lord willing.

Wednesday

Nabal is in rare form tonight. Thankfully he was so drunk he forgot what he was up to and passed out. He's been argumentative for a few days now. Earlier he accused me of lying about picking up my girl from school because she was coming in with friends 3 hours after I brought her home. He came in about an hour after I got home from church. He'd driven the guy he was complaining so about home. The guy moved out of the neighborhood and some 20 minutes away. Nabal always had something bad to say about the fellow, yet when he moved away he lamented him going... So Nabal gets back so drunk he can hardly walk. The way down and back is through a pretty fast and twisty road. How he did it I'll never know. Once he got in I was accused of moving his bible that he'd looked for the day before. Then he lamented the predicament of the guy who came to work for him today. This after pretty much calling him lazy. I think he misses his drinking buddy. The kid who works for him now is a friend of my boy and doesn't drink with grown men. Then I was accused of bein unfeeling because I wouldn't Awwwww and cluck over this guys predicament. As I remember the guy doesn't have a car or license because he has too many DUIs. I busied myself until I could get away then came downstairs. He forgot all about me, thankfully and is passed out on the sofa. He tried begging a kiss. Then got all whiney aboutme just not wanting him to touch me. Generally yes, but especially when he's drunk, which is most of the time. He tries his luck and like a school kid will touch me as I walk by just to prove he can. He's back to planning to buy a house. We need to sell the rental property this yer so we can hang onto my house. I think we can pay off all the taxes. I need to get his name off my house so I won't lose it. I'll take all the debt. I was stupid for letting him put the last 50,000 on it when I knew better. I was so worried he would be mad if I put it off until he needed it and he couldn't get it. Trust me, you do not want to be the one who messes up Nabal's plans. You never get to live it down. And he is brutal when he catches you messing up. I really thought the money would be there and I'd just pay it back when he didn't use it. I never dreamed he'd use it all to fuel his addiction to spending and looking like a big shot. Well... I was wrong. How didn't I see that coming? He used to spend foolishly on a small scale. I guess he got used to the big spender mentality of the boom times. He was going to be the benevolent jefe of his crew and his brother and weather them thru the storm. Well, the storm is still raging and we are hanging on by a thread. His crew and brother deported. A few nights ago he was talking about bringing the protege over again. Luckily he doesn't have the money. I have seen letters around where the protege is begging for money. Calling him jefe... I wonder if he has sent money. I'd always get lectures about how I didn't know what it was to be poor. I don't, but take from us when we are living on the edge? The protege went back a drunk. A serious drunk worse than Nabal. His wife left him. Nabal if for sure going to fund his folly. Nabal started that boy down the road to destruction, and he's paying guilt money for that. He at first belittles and ridicules, than when his dirty laundry is there for everyone to see, he covers and laments and pays for it. Only to save and salve himself. He feels no remorse. He prods these guys to further debauchery then ridicules again. All along claiming to be trying to save their souls. I guess he feels better. Also by having guys way worse than he, he feels better about himself. He had some sort of rift with one guy who have quit all together and Nabal prodded him until the guy started to drink and be a drunk once again, all while giving the guy fried because he wouldn't attend Nabal's church regularly. Just odd and crazy. Well, that was my Wednesday. All day Nabal trying to find some fault with me. Poor man always calls when I'm working and assumes I just ignore him. Jus a victim complex is all. Nabal was so drunk he put his 2 roosters in his '64 Galaxy to sleep. I cautioned him that they would poop all over the interior. His reply was that it all had to be redone anyway... He hasn't worked on it in 2 years. It's just rusting out. I told him he should sell it while it's still worth something and he won't.

Tuesday

A life ruled by fear. Friends...wanting them yet pushing most everyone away by actions that from the inside are realized as just not normal. Loner status more comfortable in that no effort is required. Just telling one's self to shut up suffices. No lingering feelings of stupidity to mull over. No wishing you'd have spoken differently, wih more grace. Just easier. Why so harsh at times? Why always having to prove yourself thinking others think the worst of you. Believing that most people just won't like you. Crowds are frightening only if there is expectation of social interaction of some sort. Why for as long as I can remember have assumed people won't like me and am truly surprised when people do. I mean really taken aback. I have good friends and have been a good friend. A tiny voice always looks for an angle, a reason. Maybe they feel sorry. Are they just as messed up as I? Now days I look around and that is the fact. Nice people who are more messed up that I am. I'm harsh and sharp edged. I'm not happy. Nabal is just a thorn in the stake of my fears. It's clear. A clear pattern in me. I push people away to test. Done it all my life. I've been left so many times I know it's a deep down hurt. Knowing I'm not good enough to count as lovable. I know for sure that my mom left me in a good place when I was small, with people who loved me and were good to me, but I wasn't with my mom. Sometimes it was frightening because she would take her time there to punish. So when I knew she was. Oming into town it was delight wracked with fear. My little brain would try and try to remember if  I had gotten into trouble that would have a mad mom  greet me and yelling and spanking would follow. I guess fear started early for me. Then she still couldn't 'keep' me... I had a babysitter I lived with. I did learn a lot from the woman. She was kind, but an indifferent type of kind. There was a good friend who was there too. She was older and in a worse place in life so she got attention. I understood that. She was from a large family that couldn't afford her. On the other hand I was there for convenience. Every Wednesday was mommy and me time. I remember a lot of late work evenings and I would cry. I didn't find out until a few years ago that she had in fact been dating a gentleman and Wednesdays were their night for dinner. I was right. It was her convenience that counted. Finally I begged to come home, wouldn't cause trouble, get myself up on time. I could feed and dress myself. And I did. Still in my own house there it was, kind indifference. No arguing or a swift slap across the face was the answer. Finally in my senior year I struck back and retaliated. Told her never more. All my friends along the way were 'vetted' by pushing them away. Seeing how far and they would stay. I hated myself for doing it. I had a need to. I and one true friend I fought the impulse to do that. Circumstances stranger that fiction triggered my surity of abandonment. Then fate let me know months later that hadn't been the case at all. Mom helped, helped me to believe the whole thing, to not believe the word of someone I knew thought the world of me. She was a kinda vain lady. She just didn't like the place where they came from. Sight unseen... Realized way too late. Some days I feel like the guy on 'Lil Abner' that walked under a perpetual cloud. Well, I realize I'm doing it again. I push away because I'm now worse than I ever was when I was younger. I've changed past recognition and any old friend no one who knew me then would remotely like me now. Just trying to work all this out. I see a need, a need to reconnect with people who know me, liked me because of me. What if they reject me? They are all so doing their thing, so together.  I know not really. They are all so smart and sometimes I forget words mid sentence. I have more than I ever let on in common with my child who has learning disabilities. Yet I'm pretty smart. They'd see, I would be dull, boring, out of the loop. I'd not be worth their time. Don't know what I'm going to do. When I leave here I'm all alone. Not a bad thing I've been solitary all my life, not by choice, but because no one thought it was important for me to have friends. I grew up alone with toys, nature, our dog, and music. Spent all my time around adults where I was seen and not heard. Got older and my mom's crowd was quite gentile. Their kids were in all the best clubs. We couldn't afford them yet she expected me to be able to be 'in' with them. I fell short because I was out if the loop. Not their crowd. Younger and on the fringe and uncomfortable. Dads family was large, but he came to town once ahead or less. Again on the fringes and not in on the jokes and family stuff. I was a visitor as far as the kids went. They were a close family so if I was family, why wasn't I close? They take me in. That felt good. Along came a woman who says she's my half sister. Without nothing but her word the matriarch cousin took her in. She had more in common. I hunk she's a nut job that happened along. I hear a nnd follow her lies. No one else does. They like her and try to figure who she looks like. I look like my aunts... She's finally told one to many and has been distanced. She's a pushy ex druggie. Wow another one even when I don't go looking. Funny they say she's nuts yet I see it, she's their type. I'm more quiet. I don't fit in. So I'm assuming all the above crap leads me to where I am today. And why I seem crippled in any escape. So fearful to make it on my own again. Can I? Been told so long I can't. Can't ask anyone, can't. I'm grown. That's another thing. I've always been tall and somehow it seems that I have always been to big a girl be coddled. My grand did, my bestie did, and that was it. I was tall, thin. Yet I had to learn young to be strong, resilient, and never show emotion until I knew I was safe and my face buried in a feather pillow. I have always been a night owl. It was my thinking time, my crying time. No one there to take advantage of weak moments. I was a kid that by the time I was 10 wouldn't give an adult the satisfaction of seeing me cry. That all held until I was 19. Finally found a trusted soul and pushed it away. I, as is clear, never got over that either. For once some saw me and accepted me and I pushed them away. Well, it probably wouldn't have ended well anyway. My life isn't ment for that.