The Black Hole of Home

Our in the street I plan all the amazing things I'm going to get accomplished. I know I have to have a plan when I go in, thought escapes me inside those walls. Sort clothes, organize, some days even pack some things to maybe move to storage. I enter and hopelessness sets in. Fatigue takes over eating seems a chore, much more the cooking any more. All plans...well laid plans...gone like any other ambition here.

It's not just me. We say anywhere else we are organized, energetic, and mindful. Enter here and the prevailing bought is sleep. Some find it easily. Some find it illusive. We all find reason to be anywhere but the house. It's no longer much of a home. It hasn't been for many years. The illusion has been kept as a hologram. The image, devoid of substance.

It is a stumbling block of sorts. To go I need all my 'baggage' together. I'm keeper of many family treasures including the house. The thought makes me I'll at times.  Worry is becoming my strong point. Not good. My children long to escape. I do too. Nabal longs to keep us all here. Set in place, the perfect family. A credit to his self denial. We are the problem. We create all our own problems.  His actions and lack there of have nothing to do with any of it. "Everything he has ever done has been for us." Therefore he gets drunk for us. He gets high for us. Stands in the streets fighting for us. He chases women for us. He lies...for us. We are in the wrong if we have lives that don't include him and revolve around the house. Oh...yet when we do have people over he hides. He leaves. He complains about the people. Mostly questioning their morals, their appearances, their  their not Spanish enough ever. Unless they are and he can find out some parental dirt.It's about control, it's an isolationists move. So well trained, we now self isolate.

Tonight hes stumbling drunk. Says he almost fought with Beto. Says Beto started it. He's not sure what the guy's problem is- maybe he's gay. (Where that came from I'll never know.) Nabal smells like straight alcohol. I got him to go away because the door alarm on the fridge was blaring. He claimed he hadn't touched the fridge so it wasn't his fault. Really? I'd just heard him put beer in it. Agh, the extent he will go to not be blamed for anything. He went upstairs and yelled at the fridge because it was complaining he'd put beer in it... He says he needs a 'lady' he's going to see a lawyer. I can't survive without him. I chose him so I have to keep Jim   I'm stupid because I married him. All rich people are lucky not smart because he's smarter than they are. He's never going to let me down  did I forget any of his random rambling?oh yeah, don't I want to come sleep with him. Oh yeah, just let me grab a lighter so I can light your breath! That's soooo enticing.

This house is ruined for me, and most likely the children. Home? I'm pretty sure it's wherever he is not. All I need is a sink, a stove and a wood stove. Indoor plumbing is not a necessity  I can go cheap if my kids are in school and on campus. My animals have fur. I can work, and maybe in a new place I can settle into a place for a while. Save some up for what I want to do, Lord willing. Here I exist, waiting to exit.

Haha! He knows I'm feigning sleep. Even as he feigns most everything.

I am so mad and just want to do something...juvenile even. I would love to write on his truch tailgate in Spanish 'big drunk.' Why? Because it would feel good!why don't I...? I guess I'm just not that into going there...yet. I came soooo close tonight tho.

P.S.
Sometimes you are not sure how drunk someone is until THEY start asking questions and give it away. Early this morning Nabal comes downstairs and wakes me to ask why our girl had called him last night. She was at a friend's helping them get ready for Thanksgiving. Concern in his voice. My exasperated reply: Because you called her. He is never happy unless everyone is sitting in the house so he called her, doing his evil elf laugh. She called right back but he'd gone on to the next drunken caper and forgotten all about his call. Little late 8 hours later.