Friday

Holidays... I hope anyone who reads this (still trying to figure out who would be interested in my ramblings, and why...) had a joy filled Thanksgiving!

I hate to admit it, I feel like I'm whining. This year did me in. I cooked the turkey I bought a small one this year. Nabal asked (night before while drunk) should he invite some of his friends. He honestly thinks that is what makes me happy. Now, I like to cook up a feast on Thanksgiving and I enjoy sharing with people who would otherwise have no family to celebrate with. The difference between us is that I don't do it to feel superior. I do it to help others feel included, to be joyful. This year my girl just floored me, and not in a good way. She has been using drugs and drinking. She is a senior, but only 16. Nabal the other night announced that he had been 'watching' her and her friends for a while. What father 'watches' as their 16 year old uses drugs? Oh, the one who himself is so drunk he can hardly walk straight. I am so tired of living amongst liars. I had to go out and find her at 5 in the morning while the drunk snored on the living room sofa. Hell, evenif he had been sober I couldn't ask him to help. Good thing I got a small turkey I got it in by 1. I had all the makings of as traditional Thanksgiving meal. Yeah about that.. Turkey, pecan rice and string beans got made. I just shut down. Never really ate and had a whopping headache. I slept most of the day, just didn't seem worth making any effort. I made that that I did so the kids would not have a completely bust holiday. My whole system was just upset. I felt horrible, but knew nothing was physically wrong. Everything is so hopeless right now. How do I save my daughter? I know I really can't... My God! She was fed beer as a small child, has seen her father smoke weed and drink himself into oblivion. Most of this I kick myself for being in a fog and not seeing any of it. I trusted my husband. I trusted him as a father because he was raised by a drunk mother and figured he would do better. Instead he pulled his daughter in, makes her feel like she's not enough whenever he can, and  so jealous of his son that he has a better upbringing that he had to make him feel hated. How was I so stupid, misplacing trust. How did I feel that I could shield my kids, when I didn't know the half of it.

 Yesterday Nabal looked as if he was out of a Norman Rockwell picture except he didn't have his pipe going. Glasses perched on his nose there he sat on the same sofa he got drunk on the night before, studying for his upcoming sermon. Of course he didn't offer to lift a finger. I served him his plate and he asked me to join him. What planet is he on?!?

I feel like Sisyphus, feel like I make some headway then blindsided again. Just holding on until our girl graduates in May. Then what? Get her the hell out of this town. I know movin isn't a cure all, but here she has no chance whatsoever. I still dread it all. I realize fear still rules my life. Tried to talk to my girl today. How to help and not drive her away or further into her drugs. She looked at my and with the sme amusement Nabal gets when he's about to lie, asked me, "What did I do?" family counseling is the only route I can see. I need money, money, money.

Nabal asked me an hour ago if I wanted to go shopping at the mall. I haven't been anywhere with him in years. Says I can buy shoes from my girl. Suddenly we must be a FAMILY! Earlier he said we needed to go out to dinner without the kids I told him he hadnt eaten with the kids in uears  Crap like this makes me nuts. Knowin the complete truth doubt creeps up on me. This is a problem. This is exactly why I write. If I didn't things would get hazy, confused and start to creep away to forgetfulness.

Friends? No none that I care to bother. People have their own woes, their own problems. They do not need mine. Shame stops me too. People don't have time to do their own thing, they surely don't have time for my problems. No one trusts me to finally leave all this behind. I've worn out my sympathy welcome. Disinterest. I have no friends and they all know it. Been too much water under the bridge for anyone to care. No one wants a pathetic old figure. I was thinking of moving near 'friends' now I'm leaning more towards somewhere I know no one. Leave it all behind live on the outskirts of society and do my thing. Paint, sew, read. Learn to be the best in my business. Enjoy life on front of a wood stove. Disconnect. Ah, best pastime of all- acting like I belong. Hell, I don't even friend people on FB, don't want to impose on people. Well, no more than 5 of the people I am 'friends' with. You know, when I do try to communicate with people I feel I'm intruding. I often look back and feel I've come off stupid and angry and unfeeling. I'm done. Lately I've wanted to talk, but realized something else...no one calls me. And that there is my answer right there in the silence. I have been written off. I'm old news.