Saturday

I still find it hard to smile. My face feels like weights are pulling every inch or it down. I need help... I had the good fortune to speak with a friend who herself went thru 12 years of hell behind one such as Nabal. 12 years...gosh! If it takes that long I'll be so very old.

Saw a Lifetime movie today... Gosh it was about a woman who divorced and became homeless. Yes I could see that happening.

Nabal has been weirdly nice. Overly nice and asking me every little thing. Like he is one of my kids. I know he sees the handwriting on the wall.. Maybe my crash of the last few days have him worried. I just haven't said a lot since Wednesday. Of course this time it wasn't him pushing me over that edge. It was the 16 year old. It's normal, they live to push parents to sanity's edge. Usually with two parents there I a united front. Oh, but we know there is no front here. I have often thought that single parenting would be easier. At least there would be only one signal going out. Funny, now that my girl is trying to duck me Nabal has been Jonny on the spot with rides and asking me have I hspoken to the child. And this is called sneaking between the cracks. This is the one all along I have been worried about.

Nabal just came down and tried to pinch my cheek...earlier he wanted to hug me when I gave him his dinner. He was talking in a childish high voice. As if he were trying to calm or joke with a child. I, in the past would forget the tricks if given some praise an attention. Those days are 3 years long gone. I see the truth behind it all far too clearly.

Yes some days I come off as Lucy with a whole lot of unsolicited advice. Like anyone really cares. Other days I'm Charlie Brown, but an older wiser Charles who will not kick any more. Years ago I was more like Snoops, can't wait for those days to come around again.