Wednesday

So I'm usually at church, but I'm in with a virus today. I heard Nabal giggle and run out the house a while ago. I went upstairs to take a pill and noticed the computer. He'd only been home a short time. So took a look. Seems to be Nabal's paramour Mary's birthday! And he has enough time to get some brownie points for doing something special. We'll see.

So looked at Dr. Phil today. Today's show really made me think. About my boy's anger and my girls. Why hadn't I seen? Why had I taken Nabal's word that the time I questioned whether he'd pushed the boy down. I believed Nabal when he said the boy fell? Why had I let him cower me when he told me I was making the boy a mama's boy by interfering with discipline? Why did I not see it all until he got so bold as to say he wanted to take the child out back and 'beat him up' as if they were equals? I let them down so much. I wish so much I could find a way to make it up to both the kids. I can see from my current perspective that Nabal has always just pretended something doesn't exist, or is so, and it's confusing. I can't hang on that as an excuse. I'm an adult, when did I abdicate my. Ommon sense? I am so ashamed, frustrated, mad a myself! I need to find a way to fix all this. I pray it's not too late for either of my children. I pray there is hope for them. In the end I have allowed it all. I should have seen more, I should have ended this over 10 years ago, but crying over spilled milk is futile. Starting from here I need to get my act together. I need money badly. I'm pretty sure I need to be elsewhere to really do business because I'd get comfortable and get stuck here even longer. I can go an hour east, but I get the suspicion I need to go north. Maybe do some healthy hanging out with old friends. Whenever I hang out with them I feel so stupid, so inadequate. Like they'll discover I'm...a fake and never talk to me again. I don't want pity, just a view, a glimpse of who I was when I was strong. When I was happy. Remind me of what was good about me. Why? So I can be courageous again. I fear so much these days. I really need to seek professional help... Ahhhh, back to money. Ugg...