Sunday

My girl and I went to a wedding 5 hours away. It was so nice to get out of town. See something else, see other people. Went to church this morning then talked to my boy for a a few hours. I'm Leary of him still, don't trust him after I heard how he treats his girlfriend. I haven't heard if he is doing anything different now that he has a job and is expected to be responsible. He is talking to his sister again. Time will show me, but I think he does need counseling still, as we all do. 

Tired hit me after driving 10 hours yesterday on 3 hours sleep. I'm awake now, but I'm hiding out just don't feel like participating. 

I'm really feeling like deleting FB again. Don't want to offend anyone, and more than a little saddened because I figure no one would really notice... In this case guessing is way better than knowing for sure. Maybe it's the  birthday month blues. It's mostly in my life been forgotten. My birthday really usually just makes me mad and sad. I scour my mind and can't really remember a good birthday since I was probably about 8. Odd, I like to plan fun birthdays for other people. I know it's just me feeling sorry for myself... Even when people try it always seems to be an afterthought. McDonalds, if I get a present nothing fits and always way too big. Nothing new, it's been a lifetime's worth.  Parents would forget. Husband would forget, guess everyone's does. My mom and aunts would always call and remind him. I don't remember anything... Just clothes too big. Hey jewelry fits everyone... Let's see, the last few years Nabal has picked my birthday to usually solicit one of his ladies. He had plans this year now he's turned over a 'new leaf'...some romantic get away. Wow, looks like a nice gesture from him right? He wants me to make arrangements for us. Ok... Let's see, yes he'd pay. I'd make all the plans and he figures we'd have sex. Wow! Great present for who? I honestly prefer just to ignore the day. No one remembers except my kids. And im not a person who minds getting older..haven't lied about my age since i was 21, and then i added years to get into bars! 

I'm really feeling like drawing in right now, give everyone a break from me. Not expecting means not to getting disappointed. Maybe I have always put out a vibe that I don't want to celebrate my birthday. It's just personal, my day.  It hurts when no one is around to celebrate with. Always been a sticking point with me probably just a flaw with me. My grandparents made the day special maybe I just got spoiled.   My grand father's birthday started the month off. After that I have almost every day with people in my life born this month. Some very important to me. My chest tightens a little more each day until its past. Like Charlie Brown, he has hope that one day Lucy will hold that ball for him. I celebrated a major milestone birthday 2 years ago. It came, it happened, it passed. It was a horrible year the lowest point. This is why numbness has always served me. Expectation, feeling the self pity, the loneliness just makes me sad. But I guess deep down who isn't. I have hated my life for...ever. But like going to the wedding yesterday, I just like to be out amongst people and I can feel  normal. Hang around the fringes and look on. Probably how I got into this whole mess. Pursuing normal...

My daughter just reminded me its birthday eve. I'd forgotten... I am happy she's excited. Maybe this one will be better.