Wednesday

Not a good week at all... Just been feeling down for the Past few weeks. Feeling trapped, feeling lonely. Partly because Nabal is suddenly 'making plans' like there is nothing wrong. His fantasy world is spilling over into my reality. I know it's a tactic, pretend and ignore and it diminishes me and my getting away. It seems so hopeless because I know when it all comes down he's gonna be such the victim. Tonight he got mad because I moved away when he was trying to hug me and act familiar. Said I had chosen him to marry and I was stuck with the choice. He didn't understand why I was 'acting' like I do. I am pretty much tired of reminding him of why. He just minimizes anything he did as hard times and my being inflexible, unforgiving. Now he's planning my thanksgiving dinner for his church! He asked me how hard it was to make 50 tamales, told him too damn hard. I haven't made tamales in years. I love them. I realized that even in Mexico men help when it comes to tamales. Nabal has never helped or offered. Tonight he said he'd get a friend for me, to help. I told him I didn't need friends. He can pretty much go take his church somewhere else. He's the only one going along with a pastor everyone else has walked away from.

Tonight Nabal told me I needed to start drinking. Was trying to tell me I liked taquila. That didn't fly because I have never liked the stuff. Then he runs off a laundry list of liquer.  Told me it would make me a happy person and we wouldn't have any problems. Such a family man. His mother was a drunk, he hated that, and yet that is what he really wants for his kids.

Nabal keeps asking if I want to go learn how to dance with some people he knows. I guess line dancing or square dancing. I haven't danced in years because he gets drunk, acts a fool and wants to fight someone. I am not a great dancer, I can't do the dance he is quite good at. He does to me like he does to the kids. He won't teach at home- it's easy. That translates into being completely embarrassed in a room full of people.

Ya know...if I didn't have kids...it really wouldn't be worth going on at all. This all seems to be a continuation of my life. Whatever can go wrong usually does. If life cuts me a break, I manage to screw it up. I dislike hating, but more and more I'm so frustrated that that is all I feel. Friends? What is the use. Nothing anyone can do until I get away from Nabal. I can't talk or go anywhere.
I honestly have too much hate to be any kind of friend. I see myself really living alone as far back in the woods as possible. I can paste on a good face for what I do for a living. It friends are for the young, the social. It's just easier alone. Easier to be silent. I realized lately when I'm around people and have to talk I get afraid of the silence and end up saying too much. I'm just annoying most people anyway so I just might as well shut up. I'm good at what I do and I don't have to talk much to do it so that's really just perfect. In my head I can fathom things without bothering others. I can talk to God. But mostly I can be silent and listen to my music, learn my trade and enjoy solitude. I have a feeling I won't be missed to awful much anyway. Hell, Nabal's main need for me is my brain to do his work and keep his company going and easy sex so he feels good. I guess chores and food too. Other. Maybe I'm just having a pity party, maybe my life really has always sucked. It really has, Nabal is just a symptom not the cause. All that was laid in place before I had much say in anything. Some get over it, others, as a friend told me are just broken and that would be me- broken from the start. This is all a symptom. Gosh I hope I get over these blues and back to numb. I don't usually voice any of this, I'd just seem like I was attention seeking. I have been sick. Surgery sick and in extreme pain and a woman at the hospital told me I was attention seeking and nothing was wrong with me. I was 5 months pregnant and my appendix had ruptured. They didn't know yet and she couldn't find it. This is my life- any time I feel bad, which isn't often at all there is always someone to accuse me of lying.  Am I not worthy to be cuddled? Soothed? When my grand parents died so did any soothing. Even on bed rest after surgery everyone from my mother to my husband to the floor nurse told me it wouldn't kill me to get up and do just a little. The doctor disagreed. I'm pretty strong, yes. I'm tall, yes. Even a mule you don't put away wet. Why have I always been thought to be someone who should be able to stand whatever life throws my way without any shoulder for support, yet when all around me need support I'm expected to drop everything and be there at their disposal? Life isn't fair, of that I am quite certain, but I get small doses from a handful of special people many of who I have managed to chase away I'm assuming. Used to be an old saying: Don't get sick for too long, people will get tired of you. Maybe I've been sick for toto long in life. Nabal manages to berate me every single time I get sick. After I call him out he has to admit that may be once every year or two and not constantly. It's like I am never allowed. I'm the work horse that when I get lame they beat me to keep going. Hell just shoot me and put me out of my damn misery. My rant on my soapbox for my pity party. Thank you.