Sunday

The worst day since my birthday... I'm just at a place where I have to push things that hurt, away. People that hurt, whether intentional or not. I'm just way too hypersensitive these days. They push me off center when I don't need emotional upheaval.  And I know in this case it's needing support that just can't be given. It's an old, dear tie who is coming out of survival mode. I still need to find solid ground. Bye old friend, will miss you. Cutting people out, slowly but surely. It's scary finding out that trying to survive you've become an emotional vampire. Got to find center on my own so I don't damage friendships that matter to me. Hope I already haven't. Hell, I've been flying solo for almost 20, I'm good at this. I'd rather alone than hurt and be hurt by people that actually mean something to me. I get enough emotional cycling here at home. I need to be surrounded by people who can't make an emotional dent no matter what.

Nabal has been weird. Drunk, but sober yesterday and really playing up the victim of wholesale misunderstanding. Yesterday I was moving furniture into their winter places. It's a real deep clean, and what really pisses me off is Nabal's pig spot in the living room where he drinks. Cleaning off the coffee table...it was my mother's good furniture. I stored it until my kids were old enough. OT to destroy is accidentally. I try to have it there with coffee table books and coasters. Oh yeah, for non existant guests and only other drunks show up. The table is filthy- beer caps, crumbs, sticky crap, food scraps, actual dirt from his shoes... All under bibles, commentaries, notebooks, scraps of paper (notes on jobs) torn up phone cards. I have to actually wash down fine furniture... He tried the Mr. Romantic move. (FYI, trying to reward for acceptable behavior) I'd just. Leaned up the sticky dirt mess from the floor where he sits too. I was not happy. I told Nabal to back off, he asked why. So I told him in plain English. He has all but ruined my furniture with his barn yard ways. He asked (with a straight face) what I was talking about. Actually denying what was before him. This used to trip me up... Now, it just tees me off. Told him to paddle on down de-Nile. When he persisted in innocence I flippantly said leprechauns must sneak in at night and make the mess. He giggled and walked off. Calling the sky something other than blue.

Saw Nabal has opened up another charge card at a store. First it was at the hardware store, now it's at a clothing store. He's gonna sink himself and I hope he doesn't drag us with him. A few nights he was drinking and was talking about making lots of money and not letting it all get away from him this time, then turns around and sees an Escalade in a movie and says he's going to buy one with all his money he's going to make. OMG! Money's already spent! He has a lot of people who want him to work at the same time. He won't schedule them because he thinks they'll go elsewhere. Then he says maybe he should go up on his prices to 'weed' them out. Seriously? Drunk talking... I'm realizing that I can't pull the money I need to make here in town. Just too many people with the same profession and too many running scared and low balling and not setting professional boundaries. I need an hours drive each day to make what I need... Saw Nabal sent $600 to his brother, probably for his other brother's sick kid. Also saw that as soon as he got some money in the bank he was back to texting Mary. Yeah, I'd given up trolling his phone, but something told me to have a look. And no drinking isn't the issue. The first reply was at 11:30 in the morning her telling him she was at work. His original had been erased. The second day her reply was at 5:30 in the evening, her replying, "no, I'm at home..." Again his side was erased. What he's trying to do is get her 'under control' a thing he can't find here at home because I work erratic schedules. The texts were October 10 and 11. I dislike life lived with agendas. Why not just live? I think it's a trait of controlling people.