Come on replacement! I know, I will need to stand up and do this myself. Earlier he came down asking if I was his little lady... Are you still my wife. I want to be close to you baby. Hey he traded me in for newer models and that didn't work out, not my problem.
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Wednesday, The Drunk Part
Nabal came down here not 15 minutes ago with chicken soup I made the other day when I knew I was coming down with this virus. He'd dumped a while small bag of Fritos in it. Tortilla soup I like, Fritos not so much. The point of this is he could barely walk straight and was slurring. He comes back speaking clear (authoritative) Spanish discussing the bible on the phone. He was saying: Y San Lucas (repeated a few times) Gets to the bottom of the steps and covers the phone and asks me where was Luke from... I'm sick, and I honestly don't know if I'd have remembered if I wasn't. He whips the phone up and changes his voice tells whoever is on the phone he'll have to do some investigating to find out. He was getting ready to try to school someone. I could tell by his voice. I may be wrong, but a drunk discussing bible stuff as a church elder of authority...just not right. I'm pretty glad I didn't remember. Really didn't want to be a part of his act. That's the one and only reason he has decided to 'hold onto' me... I remember a lot and I'm not too dumb. I'm his secretary. Oh of he could find a replacement, he'd be gone without a trace.
Wednesday
So I'm usually at church, but I'm in with a virus today. I heard Nabal giggle and run out the house a while ago. I went upstairs to take a pill and noticed the computer. He'd only been home a short time. So took a look. Seems to be Nabal's paramour Mary's birthday! And he has enough time to get some brownie points for doing something special. We'll see.
So looked at Dr. Phil today. Today's show really made me think. About my boy's anger and my girls. Why hadn't I seen? Why had I taken Nabal's word that the time I questioned whether he'd pushed the boy down. I believed Nabal when he said the boy fell? Why had I let him cower me when he told me I was making the boy a mama's boy by interfering with discipline? Why did I not see it all until he got so bold as to say he wanted to take the child out back and 'beat him up' as if they were equals? I let them down so much. I wish so much I could find a way to make it up to both the kids. I can see from my current perspective that Nabal has always just pretended something doesn't exist, or is so, and it's confusing. I can't hang on that as an excuse. I'm an adult, when did I abdicate my. Ommon sense? I am so ashamed, frustrated, mad a myself! I need to find a way to fix all this. I pray it's not too late for either of my children. I pray there is hope for them. In the end I have allowed it all. I should have seen more, I should have ended this over 10 years ago, but crying over spilled milk is futile. Starting from here I need to get my act together. I need money badly. I'm pretty sure I need to be elsewhere to really do business because I'd get comfortable and get stuck here even longer. I can go an hour east, but I get the suspicion I need to go north. Maybe do some healthy hanging out with old friends. Whenever I hang out with them I feel so stupid, so inadequate. Like they'll discover I'm...a fake and never talk to me again. I don't want pity, just a view, a glimpse of who I was when I was strong. When I was happy. Remind me of what was good about me. Why? So I can be courageous again. I fear so much these days. I really need to seek professional help... Ahhhh, back to money. Ugg...
So looked at Dr. Phil today. Today's show really made me think. About my boy's anger and my girls. Why hadn't I seen? Why had I taken Nabal's word that the time I questioned whether he'd pushed the boy down. I believed Nabal when he said the boy fell? Why had I let him cower me when he told me I was making the boy a mama's boy by interfering with discipline? Why did I not see it all until he got so bold as to say he wanted to take the child out back and 'beat him up' as if they were equals? I let them down so much. I wish so much I could find a way to make it up to both the kids. I can see from my current perspective that Nabal has always just pretended something doesn't exist, or is so, and it's confusing. I can't hang on that as an excuse. I'm an adult, when did I abdicate my. Ommon sense? I am so ashamed, frustrated, mad a myself! I need to find a way to fix all this. I pray it's not too late for either of my children. I pray there is hope for them. In the end I have allowed it all. I should have seen more, I should have ended this over 10 years ago, but crying over spilled milk is futile. Starting from here I need to get my act together. I need money badly. I'm pretty sure I need to be elsewhere to really do business because I'd get comfortable and get stuck here even longer. I can go an hour east, but I get the suspicion I need to go north. Maybe do some healthy hanging out with old friends. Whenever I hang out with them I feel so stupid, so inadequate. Like they'll discover I'm...a fake and never talk to me again. I don't want pity, just a view, a glimpse of who I was when I was strong. When I was happy. Remind me of what was good about me. Why? So I can be courageous again. I fear so much these days. I really need to seek professional help... Ahhhh, back to money. Ugg...
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Nabal and Facebook...
Seems Nabal is imagening himself as harem master or something goofy like that. I had male friends. Omment on a sports team picture so he's been going through their pictures. Our girl had several young men comment on her page. (she's 16) and he's been all through their pictures. I can give him these two. What made me chuckle (and you have to understand my mindset at this point) I saw some guy he'd been stalking, no friend of mine nor my girl. It was some guy that had made a harmless comment on Ms. Mary Sims post... He doesn't care about us... It's all about what he believes he owns!
It's extremely interesting to see all his quirks from the outside and inside at the same time. To understand that it's not about me or my daughter. It's about him, and his beliefs about women. I'm sure all that will come out on some drunken accusative tyrade. He hasn't taken that tactic in a while. I'm waiting, because I know he'll pull it out when he thinks I'll least expect it. After all he has done... He is looking so hard for a reason to be a victim. Just like he made himself victim of a malicious ex-friend after all the guy did was tell the truth and out him. Out him for his bad behavior. (That is if you are an elder of a church and just in general a married man!)
Can't wait to get away!
Tuesday
Nabal came in from church and asked me a question on doctrine. Don't be fooled, it's 11 and he's pretty drunk. I answered and didn't think much else of it. Later he starts telling me his pastor told him just the opposite, yet his previous pastor Noel told him as I had. It all boils down to his current pastor having really abberant doctrine. She thinks that God is through with the Jewish nation and everyone doing them harm is doing God a favor. As I said very bad, misguided doctrine and thinking.
Then Nabal starts telling me he thinks his pastor now has something against him. Internally I'm thinking maybe she's heard about him from somewhere, but can't imagine her letting him stay as an elder if she did know. He went on to say that she changed towards him after he took a fellow to church. (The particular fellow is the guy who left town to stop drinking. Nabal was not remotely happy until he got the guy drinking again. All while he was taking him to church and drunk preaching.) That feeling got stronger... Nabal explained how he took the woman pastor everywhere she needed to go when she first got here. (Really, most pastors would not spend so much time with a member of the opposite sex as it may seem to be inappropriate or a temptation.) Evidently Beto took a shine to her, and that's when it all broke loose. I understand that I am only hearing Nabal's side of the story which may only graze the truth lightly... Nabal claims Beto became jealous of him and told the woman everything about him and his past. (Ha! His current! Knowing the truth unbeknownst to the liar has its perks.) If that's the truth he probably did know everything because most of the time he was sober during Nabal's worst times. He said it like something so very unfair had been done to poor little him. Then says that Beto and the woman had argued and split when she became friendly with another gentleman. He did say she wasn't dating just talking. He Put in that he'd tried to warn her that Beto was crazy. Nooooo, Beto isn't crazy, he's a macho Mexican who thinks women are whores if they speak to another man. Even the pastora... I don't say this as a blanket statement about Me ican men, but I know these guys and have known them for more than 10 years. Them and their families and they are true machos. A brother here with the secretary he left his wife for still had the woman answer and screen calls as if they were still at some office...hell, they were living in public housing! Back to Nabal. I just looked on. All that had happened was the woman had changed towards him? Well, I'm assuming he's being given plenty of room to repent. Then Nabal shook his head and says so, she has wrong doctrine...maybe I should change churches.
So now I wonder if he was talking to his friend Hector or to his pastor when he was explaining that no one could judge him and that God would not punish anyone. He'd done nothing wrong in God's eyes. Well, I have always felt that I wasn't to go tell on him that it would all come out in the end.
It works like this. When caught repentant folks will cave and see their errors. He was quite irritated with his drinking buddy for letting the cat out the bag as it were. I guess the guy did break guy code. I have found tho that these guys are gossips. Mama's boys gossips. I assume the net will be pulled as time goes on.
Me... I'm doing the Chinese medicine thing as fall is for drawing inward. I really need to do a lot of internal work on myself. Past is past and I have a responsibility to myself to deal with all my bad traits I have from how I grew up without using all the distinction as an excuse. Remember how not to drain people. How not to let other people's actions cause a reaction. To let go of things. Things that clearly I have misjudged. I'm back to thinking about wiping out Facebook. Maybe it's depression of still being here. Maybe I'm still here because I have work yet to do. Time will tell I assume. If all the things I dream and wish for are there at the end of my journey to an even better me, then it was all meant to be. If not it would have been all wrong anyway. So crazy as my life appears I'm waiting on God, and working on me. Doing what I have to do to protect what's broken in me until it's mended.
Then Nabal starts telling me he thinks his pastor now has something against him. Internally I'm thinking maybe she's heard about him from somewhere, but can't imagine her letting him stay as an elder if she did know. He went on to say that she changed towards him after he took a fellow to church. (The particular fellow is the guy who left town to stop drinking. Nabal was not remotely happy until he got the guy drinking again. All while he was taking him to church and drunk preaching.) That feeling got stronger... Nabal explained how he took the woman pastor everywhere she needed to go when she first got here. (Really, most pastors would not spend so much time with a member of the opposite sex as it may seem to be inappropriate or a temptation.) Evidently Beto took a shine to her, and that's when it all broke loose. I understand that I am only hearing Nabal's side of the story which may only graze the truth lightly... Nabal claims Beto became jealous of him and told the woman everything about him and his past. (Ha! His current! Knowing the truth unbeknownst to the liar has its perks.) If that's the truth he probably did know everything because most of the time he was sober during Nabal's worst times. He said it like something so very unfair had been done to poor little him. Then says that Beto and the woman had argued and split when she became friendly with another gentleman. He did say she wasn't dating just talking. He Put in that he'd tried to warn her that Beto was crazy. Nooooo, Beto isn't crazy, he's a macho Mexican who thinks women are whores if they speak to another man. Even the pastora... I don't say this as a blanket statement about Me ican men, but I know these guys and have known them for more than 10 years. Them and their families and they are true machos. A brother here with the secretary he left his wife for still had the woman answer and screen calls as if they were still at some office...hell, they were living in public housing! Back to Nabal. I just looked on. All that had happened was the woman had changed towards him? Well, I'm assuming he's being given plenty of room to repent. Then Nabal shook his head and says so, she has wrong doctrine...maybe I should change churches.
So now I wonder if he was talking to his friend Hector or to his pastor when he was explaining that no one could judge him and that God would not punish anyone. He'd done nothing wrong in God's eyes. Well, I have always felt that I wasn't to go tell on him that it would all come out in the end.
It works like this. When caught repentant folks will cave and see their errors. He was quite irritated with his drinking buddy for letting the cat out the bag as it were. I guess the guy did break guy code. I have found tho that these guys are gossips. Mama's boys gossips. I assume the net will be pulled as time goes on.
Me... I'm doing the Chinese medicine thing as fall is for drawing inward. I really need to do a lot of internal work on myself. Past is past and I have a responsibility to myself to deal with all my bad traits I have from how I grew up without using all the distinction as an excuse. Remember how not to drain people. How not to let other people's actions cause a reaction. To let go of things. Things that clearly I have misjudged. I'm back to thinking about wiping out Facebook. Maybe it's depression of still being here. Maybe I'm still here because I have work yet to do. Time will tell I assume. If all the things I dream and wish for are there at the end of my journey to an even better me, then it was all meant to be. If not it would have been all wrong anyway. So crazy as my life appears I'm waiting on God, and working on me. Doing what I have to do to protect what's broken in me until it's mended.
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Sunday
The worst day since my birthday... I'm just at a place where I have to push things that hurt, away. People that hurt, whether intentional or not. I'm just way too hypersensitive these days. They push me off center when I don't need emotional upheaval. And I know in this case it's needing support that just can't be given. It's an old, dear tie who is coming out of survival mode. I still need to find solid ground. Bye old friend, will miss you. Cutting people out, slowly but surely. It's scary finding out that trying to survive you've become an emotional vampire. Got to find center on my own so I don't damage friendships that matter to me. Hope I already haven't. Hell, I've been flying solo for almost 20, I'm good at this. I'd rather alone than hurt and be hurt by people that actually mean something to me. I get enough emotional cycling here at home. I need to be surrounded by people who can't make an emotional dent no matter what.
Nabal has been weird. Drunk, but sober yesterday and really playing up the victim of wholesale misunderstanding. Yesterday I was moving furniture into their winter places. It's a real deep clean, and what really pisses me off is Nabal's pig spot in the living room where he drinks. Cleaning off the coffee table...it was my mother's good furniture. I stored it until my kids were old enough. OT to destroy is accidentally. I try to have it there with coffee table books and coasters. Oh yeah, for non existant guests and only other drunks show up. The table is filthy- beer caps, crumbs, sticky crap, food scraps, actual dirt from his shoes... All under bibles, commentaries, notebooks, scraps of paper (notes on jobs) torn up phone cards. I have to actually wash down fine furniture... He tried the Mr. Romantic move. (FYI, trying to reward for acceptable behavior) I'd just. Leaned up the sticky dirt mess from the floor where he sits too. I was not happy. I told Nabal to back off, he asked why. So I told him in plain English. He has all but ruined my furniture with his barn yard ways. He asked (with a straight face) what I was talking about. Actually denying what was before him. This used to trip me up... Now, it just tees me off. Told him to paddle on down de-Nile. When he persisted in innocence I flippantly said leprechauns must sneak in at night and make the mess. He giggled and walked off. Calling the sky something other than blue.
Saw Nabal has opened up another charge card at a store. First it was at the hardware store, now it's at a clothing store. He's gonna sink himself and I hope he doesn't drag us with him. A few nights he was drinking and was talking about making lots of money and not letting it all get away from him this time, then turns around and sees an Escalade in a movie and says he's going to buy one with all his money he's going to make. OMG! Money's already spent! He has a lot of people who want him to work at the same time. He won't schedule them because he thinks they'll go elsewhere. Then he says maybe he should go up on his prices to 'weed' them out. Seriously? Drunk talking... I'm realizing that I can't pull the money I need to make here in town. Just too many people with the same profession and too many running scared and low balling and not setting professional boundaries. I need an hours drive each day to make what I need... Saw Nabal sent $600 to his brother, probably for his other brother's sick kid. Also saw that as soon as he got some money in the bank he was back to texting Mary. Yeah, I'd given up trolling his phone, but something told me to have a look. And no drinking isn't the issue. The first reply was at 11:30 in the morning her telling him she was at work. His original had been erased. The second day her reply was at 5:30 in the evening, her replying, "no, I'm at home..." Again his side was erased. What he's trying to do is get her 'under control' a thing he can't find here at home because I work erratic schedules. The texts were October 10 and 11. I dislike life lived with agendas. Why not just live? I think it's a trait of controlling people.
Nabal has been weird. Drunk, but sober yesterday and really playing up the victim of wholesale misunderstanding. Yesterday I was moving furniture into their winter places. It's a real deep clean, and what really pisses me off is Nabal's pig spot in the living room where he drinks. Cleaning off the coffee table...it was my mother's good furniture. I stored it until my kids were old enough. OT to destroy is accidentally. I try to have it there with coffee table books and coasters. Oh yeah, for non existant guests and only other drunks show up. The table is filthy- beer caps, crumbs, sticky crap, food scraps, actual dirt from his shoes... All under bibles, commentaries, notebooks, scraps of paper (notes on jobs) torn up phone cards. I have to actually wash down fine furniture... He tried the Mr. Romantic move. (FYI, trying to reward for acceptable behavior) I'd just. Leaned up the sticky dirt mess from the floor where he sits too. I was not happy. I told Nabal to back off, he asked why. So I told him in plain English. He has all but ruined my furniture with his barn yard ways. He asked (with a straight face) what I was talking about. Actually denying what was before him. This used to trip me up... Now, it just tees me off. Told him to paddle on down de-Nile. When he persisted in innocence I flippantly said leprechauns must sneak in at night and make the mess. He giggled and walked off. Calling the sky something other than blue.
Saw Nabal has opened up another charge card at a store. First it was at the hardware store, now it's at a clothing store. He's gonna sink himself and I hope he doesn't drag us with him. A few nights he was drinking and was talking about making lots of money and not letting it all get away from him this time, then turns around and sees an Escalade in a movie and says he's going to buy one with all his money he's going to make. OMG! Money's already spent! He has a lot of people who want him to work at the same time. He won't schedule them because he thinks they'll go elsewhere. Then he says maybe he should go up on his prices to 'weed' them out. Seriously? Drunk talking... I'm realizing that I can't pull the money I need to make here in town. Just too many people with the same profession and too many running scared and low balling and not setting professional boundaries. I need an hours drive each day to make what I need... Saw Nabal sent $600 to his brother, probably for his other brother's sick kid. Also saw that as soon as he got some money in the bank he was back to texting Mary. Yeah, I'd given up trolling his phone, but something told me to have a look. And no drinking isn't the issue. The first reply was at 11:30 in the morning her telling him she was at work. His original had been erased. The second day her reply was at 5:30 in the evening, her replying, "no, I'm at home..." Again his side was erased. What he's trying to do is get her 'under control' a thing he can't find here at home because I work erratic schedules. The texts were October 10 and 11. I dislike life lived with agendas. Why not just live? I think it's a trait of controlling people.
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Thursday
Yesterday was the first Wednesday in forever that Nabal wasn't drunk. Guess Monday and Tuesday did him in... Well seems Sunday night ( or was it Saturday was an all night prayer vigil at his church. Heard him on the phone telling someone and I do understand he's liar enough to have faked it, but I dont want to be completely paranoid.
I found out he's not only stalking Mary's FB, but mine and my girl's too. I've hidden a lot because he gets on and makes comments that appear as if he's a devoted husband even as he's trolling Mary's pictures. I'm so lucky to know the back story... Oh and he spent an hour accessing Match.com from FB only because 1. He can't figure how to get there from his browser all the time and 2. He doesn't realize that his friends on computers can see him. Oh well...
Don't know if I mentioned: The other night when he was drunk and wanting to open his email to get correspondences sent from a company, I showed him again how to open his email account. He never opened either letter from them but the emails about women that Match.com sent him. He was checking out local women they thought he'd match up with. I asked him the next day what the emails said and he said, "I couldn't open anything up so I gave up." like I said back story knowledge is more than valuable! He actually sounded quite annoyed over technology he could not master... Subterfuge...
Me... I'm so floating along and need to figure a way to get work in another adjacent area where there are not so many who have the same profession as I do... Also I'm leaning in a different direction as they do locally. I love my truck, but I need something smaller, easier on has and a little newer for everyday commuting. I only need my truck if they are calling for snow. I'm looking at at least an hour commute any way I go. I'll have to wait till graduation as I can't count on anyone else and said child hangs with too many pot heads to be left all on their own without policing. My eldest is so sometimie, some days not speaking. Really can't wait until that one gets on their feet. Living at homecontributing nothing, yet acting like an adult and at times hostile. Mabal's legacy. My graduate wants to motor across the US if the money is there. Odd a lot of people are shifting this year in and out so I'll see in June. Maybe I can find something with the same schedule and we can ride together and get out of this environment. I can out enough together to further my studies and get out of here. Lord be my helper I won't have to pass another winter hers. I'll be able to rent my house and go live elsewhere and Nabal can do what he wants and not have to lie to me about it. Of course he'll fine someone else to lie to, but hey, not my problem!
What does hurt is walking away from old friends because I don't want to burden them and some don't want to be burdened. I get it, I think I'm coming out of a period where I was draining. I still need to pay someone to listen that will hie me feedback. Like stop talking and get out of there, and constructive ass kicking. Old friends muddy the waters and cloud reasoning because I miss them, setting up doubt as to my reasons for leaving this situation. Or is my mind just looking for the path of least resistance? Guess I'll see as I put distance between important people.
I found out he's not only stalking Mary's FB, but mine and my girl's too. I've hidden a lot because he gets on and makes comments that appear as if he's a devoted husband even as he's trolling Mary's pictures. I'm so lucky to know the back story... Oh and he spent an hour accessing Match.com from FB only because 1. He can't figure how to get there from his browser all the time and 2. He doesn't realize that his friends on computers can see him. Oh well...
Don't know if I mentioned: The other night when he was drunk and wanting to open his email to get correspondences sent from a company, I showed him again how to open his email account. He never opened either letter from them but the emails about women that Match.com sent him. He was checking out local women they thought he'd match up with. I asked him the next day what the emails said and he said, "I couldn't open anything up so I gave up." like I said back story knowledge is more than valuable! He actually sounded quite annoyed over technology he could not master... Subterfuge...
Me... I'm so floating along and need to figure a way to get work in another adjacent area where there are not so many who have the same profession as I do... Also I'm leaning in a different direction as they do locally. I love my truck, but I need something smaller, easier on has and a little newer for everyday commuting. I only need my truck if they are calling for snow. I'm looking at at least an hour commute any way I go. I'll have to wait till graduation as I can't count on anyone else and said child hangs with too many pot heads to be left all on their own without policing. My eldest is so sometimie, some days not speaking. Really can't wait until that one gets on their feet. Living at homecontributing nothing, yet acting like an adult and at times hostile. Mabal's legacy. My graduate wants to motor across the US if the money is there. Odd a lot of people are shifting this year in and out so I'll see in June. Maybe I can find something with the same schedule and we can ride together and get out of this environment. I can out enough together to further my studies and get out of here. Lord be my helper I won't have to pass another winter hers. I'll be able to rent my house and go live elsewhere and Nabal can do what he wants and not have to lie to me about it. Of course he'll fine someone else to lie to, but hey, not my problem!
What does hurt is walking away from old friends because I don't want to burden them and some don't want to be burdened. I get it, I think I'm coming out of a period where I was draining. I still need to pay someone to listen that will hie me feedback. Like stop talking and get out of there, and constructive ass kicking. Old friends muddy the waters and cloud reasoning because I miss them, setting up doubt as to my reasons for leaving this situation. Or is my mind just looking for the path of least resistance? Guess I'll see as I put distance between important people.
Monday, October 15, 2012
Monday
So Nabal went to church and got home after 4 a.m. Looking back over the computer history from 6 a.m. he was looking at thru Mary Sims pictures. Come June... Yesterday my boy's lizard died. When he was away Nabal would go in and 'take care' of him. The lizards decline started after Nabal put a very large grasshopper in his tank. We fed him crickets, but the grasshopper was huge. Hadley as big as the lizard's body. The boy says Nabal told him he watched the fight for 3 hours. The boy said after that the lizard's mouth didn't close correctly. Thank you Nabal for another thing another casual death caused by alcoholism and just being brutal. Everything you love you love to death. He loves animals, but gets stupidly mean the drinker he gets. Moves closer to the way his brothers are with animals. His mother killed any attachment to animals normal people have. Horrible woman. The boy said yesterday Nabal happened in and asked after the lizard, when told it had passed his reply was poor thing. Didn't ask why just turned on his heels and went back outside. He claims alcohol fog and really does not remember many things, but there are some things he knows and remembers.
Sunday
My girl and I went to a wedding 5 hours away. It was so nice to get out of town. See something else, see other people. Went to church this morning then talked to my boy for a a few hours. I'm Leary of him still, don't trust him after I heard how he treats his girlfriend. I haven't heard if he is doing anything different now that he has a job and is expected to be responsible. He is talking to his sister again. Time will show me, but I think he does need counseling still, as we all do.
Tired hit me after driving 10 hours yesterday on 3 hours sleep. I'm awake now, but I'm hiding out just don't feel like participating.
I'm really feeling like deleting FB again. Don't want to offend anyone, and more than a little saddened because I figure no one would really notice... In this case guessing is way better than knowing for sure. Maybe it's the birthday month blues. It's mostly in my life been forgotten. My birthday really usually just makes me mad and sad. I scour my mind and can't really remember a good birthday since I was probably about 8. Odd, I like to plan fun birthdays for other people. I know it's just me feeling sorry for myself... Even when people try it always seems to be an afterthought. McDonalds, if I get a present nothing fits and always way too big. Nothing new, it's been a lifetime's worth. Parents would forget. Husband would forget, guess everyone's does. My mom and aunts would always call and remind him. I don't remember anything... Just clothes too big. Hey jewelry fits everyone... Let's see, the last few years Nabal has picked my birthday to usually solicit one of his ladies. He had plans this year now he's turned over a 'new leaf'...some romantic get away. Wow, looks like a nice gesture from him right? He wants me to make arrangements for us. Ok... Let's see, yes he'd pay. I'd make all the plans and he figures we'd have sex. Wow! Great present for who? I honestly prefer just to ignore the day. No one remembers except my kids. And im not a person who minds getting older..haven't lied about my age since i was 21, and then i added years to get into bars!
I'm really feeling like drawing in right now, give everyone a break from me. Not expecting means not to getting disappointed. Maybe I have always put out a vibe that I don't want to celebrate my birthday. It's just personal, my day. It hurts when no one is around to celebrate with. Always been a sticking point with me probably just a flaw with me. My grandparents made the day special maybe I just got spoiled. My grand father's birthday started the month off. After that I have almost every day with people in my life born this month. Some very important to me. My chest tightens a little more each day until its past. Like Charlie Brown, he has hope that one day Lucy will hold that ball for him. I celebrated a major milestone birthday 2 years ago. It came, it happened, it passed. It was a horrible year the lowest point. This is why numbness has always served me. Expectation, feeling the self pity, the loneliness just makes me sad. But I guess deep down who isn't. I have hated my life for...ever. But like going to the wedding yesterday, I just like to be out amongst people and I can feel normal. Hang around the fringes and look on. Probably how I got into this whole mess. Pursuing normal...
My daughter just reminded me its birthday eve. I'd forgotten... I am happy she's excited. Maybe this one will be better.
Friday, October 12, 2012
Friday
Why yes, Nabal is drunk...wasn't expecting any different. Picked up my girl from work. When I came in the house the TV was blaring music and he was making a mess in the kitchen... Sad thing? The blaring music was the problem. Our boy is asleep because he has to be at work at 4 a.m. Thoughtful parenting? Not when there's a drunk afoot!
So I think I've realized the problem. I'm like a kid or a puppy that's pent up all the time, and when I finally do get out I'm nuts... Sad really. I've spent so many years solitary and been able to cope. What went wrong? What changed? Well first step to a solution is figuring out the problem. Let's just say I'm half way there. Maybe I'll be cured one day... I tell you, this has been a weird week. All the lunes were thrown my way. This week is the first time I have ever felt like throwing in the towel and just giving up. Just sink into myself and never come out. Hell of a pity party, lasted all week. Maybe I just saw too many things the way they really are and just got a system overload. Feels like hope just up and walked away this week.
So I think I've realized the problem. I'm like a kid or a puppy that's pent up all the time, and when I finally do get out I'm nuts... Sad really. I've spent so many years solitary and been able to cope. What went wrong? What changed? Well first step to a solution is figuring out the problem. Let's just say I'm half way there. Maybe I'll be cured one day... I tell you, this has been a weird week. All the lunes were thrown my way. This week is the first time I have ever felt like throwing in the towel and just giving up. Just sink into myself and never come out. Hell of a pity party, lasted all week. Maybe I just saw too many things the way they really are and just got a system overload. Feels like hope just up and walked away this week.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Disrespect
I opened the front door today and there was a pile of mortar just inside the door on the wood floor. There was a trail that led to the hall and into the bathroom. I have asked Nabal for 16 years to not track mud and such into the house. To me this is disrespectful to the house and to his family. An entitlement, an expectation that he will be cleaned up after. Then he will on a given day lecture me about the wood flies I stripped and finished.
I noticed many years ago in his mother's house that she swept and cleaned all day. If the poor woman had a pile of dirt in the floor she was sweeping and any of her sons came in they would track right thru is. If I'm not mistaken, in America that is disrespectful. If someone is sweeping you have sense enough not to walk thru their pile of dirt. I'd get on them and they would all looks at me like I was nuts. She'd rant and call them pigs, they would laugh and she would look tired and relent. Disrespectful. To home, to person, to themselves. It is a small thing, but so indicative of the larger picture. The mindset behind it? "women clean, what else do they have to do, so why worry?" how the hell did I get myself into this? Punishing myself I assume.
I noticed many years ago in his mother's house that she swept and cleaned all day. If the poor woman had a pile of dirt in the floor she was sweeping and any of her sons came in they would track right thru is. If I'm not mistaken, in America that is disrespectful. If someone is sweeping you have sense enough not to walk thru their pile of dirt. I'd get on them and they would all looks at me like I was nuts. She'd rant and call them pigs, they would laugh and she would look tired and relent. Disrespectful. To home, to person, to themselves. It is a small thing, but so indicative of the larger picture. The mindset behind it? "women clean, what else do they have to do, so why worry?" how the hell did I get myself into this? Punishing myself I assume.
Wednesday
Not a good week at all... Just been feeling down for the Past few weeks. Feeling trapped, feeling lonely. Partly because Nabal is suddenly 'making plans' like there is nothing wrong. His fantasy world is spilling over into my reality. I know it's a tactic, pretend and ignore and it diminishes me and my getting away. It seems so hopeless because I know when it all comes down he's gonna be such the victim. Tonight he got mad because I moved away when he was trying to hug me and act familiar. Said I had chosen him to marry and I was stuck with the choice. He didn't understand why I was 'acting' like I do. I am pretty much tired of reminding him of why. He just minimizes anything he did as hard times and my being inflexible, unforgiving. Now he's planning my thanksgiving dinner for his church! He asked me how hard it was to make 50 tamales, told him too damn hard. I haven't made tamales in years. I love them. I realized that even in Mexico men help when it comes to tamales. Nabal has never helped or offered. Tonight he said he'd get a friend for me, to help. I told him I didn't need friends. He can pretty much go take his church somewhere else. He's the only one going along with a pastor everyone else has walked away from.
Tonight Nabal told me I needed to start drinking. Was trying to tell me I liked taquila. That didn't fly because I have never liked the stuff. Then he runs off a laundry list of liquer. Told me it would make me a happy person and we wouldn't have any problems. Such a family man. His mother was a drunk, he hated that, and yet that is what he really wants for his kids.
Nabal keeps asking if I want to go learn how to dance with some people he knows. I guess line dancing or square dancing. I haven't danced in years because he gets drunk, acts a fool and wants to fight someone. I am not a great dancer, I can't do the dance he is quite good at. He does to me like he does to the kids. He won't teach at home- it's easy. That translates into being completely embarrassed in a room full of people.
Ya know...if I didn't have kids...it really wouldn't be worth going on at all. This all seems to be a continuation of my life. Whatever can go wrong usually does. If life cuts me a break, I manage to screw it up. I dislike hating, but more and more I'm so frustrated that that is all I feel. Friends? What is the use. Nothing anyone can do until I get away from Nabal. I can't talk or go anywhere.
I honestly have too much hate to be any kind of friend. I see myself really living alone as far back in the woods as possible. I can paste on a good face for what I do for a living. It friends are for the young, the social. It's just easier alone. Easier to be silent. I realized lately when I'm around people and have to talk I get afraid of the silence and end up saying too much. I'm just annoying most people anyway so I just might as well shut up. I'm good at what I do and I don't have to talk much to do it so that's really just perfect. In my head I can fathom things without bothering others. I can talk to God. But mostly I can be silent and listen to my music, learn my trade and enjoy solitude. I have a feeling I won't be missed to awful much anyway. Hell, Nabal's main need for me is my brain to do his work and keep his company going and easy sex so he feels good. I guess chores and food too. Other. Maybe I'm just having a pity party, maybe my life really has always sucked. It really has, Nabal is just a symptom not the cause. All that was laid in place before I had much say in anything. Some get over it, others, as a friend told me are just broken and that would be me- broken from the start. This is all a symptom. Gosh I hope I get over these blues and back to numb. I don't usually voice any of this, I'd just seem like I was attention seeking. I have been sick. Surgery sick and in extreme pain and a woman at the hospital told me I was attention seeking and nothing was wrong with me. I was 5 months pregnant and my appendix had ruptured. They didn't know yet and she couldn't find it. This is my life- any time I feel bad, which isn't often at all there is always someone to accuse me of lying. Am I not worthy to be cuddled? Soothed? When my grand parents died so did any soothing. Even on bed rest after surgery everyone from my mother to my husband to the floor nurse told me it wouldn't kill me to get up and do just a little. The doctor disagreed. I'm pretty strong, yes. I'm tall, yes. Even a mule you don't put away wet. Why have I always been thought to be someone who should be able to stand whatever life throws my way without any shoulder for support, yet when all around me need support I'm expected to drop everything and be there at their disposal? Life isn't fair, of that I am quite certain, but I get small doses from a handful of special people many of who I have managed to chase away I'm assuming. Used to be an old saying: Don't get sick for too long, people will get tired of you. Maybe I've been sick for toto long in life. Nabal manages to berate me every single time I get sick. After I call him out he has to admit that may be once every year or two and not constantly. It's like I am never allowed. I'm the work horse that when I get lame they beat me to keep going. Hell just shoot me and put me out of my damn misery. My rant on my soapbox for my pity party. Thank you.
Tonight Nabal told me I needed to start drinking. Was trying to tell me I liked taquila. That didn't fly because I have never liked the stuff. Then he runs off a laundry list of liquer. Told me it would make me a happy person and we wouldn't have any problems. Such a family man. His mother was a drunk, he hated that, and yet that is what he really wants for his kids.
Nabal keeps asking if I want to go learn how to dance with some people he knows. I guess line dancing or square dancing. I haven't danced in years because he gets drunk, acts a fool and wants to fight someone. I am not a great dancer, I can't do the dance he is quite good at. He does to me like he does to the kids. He won't teach at home- it's easy. That translates into being completely embarrassed in a room full of people.
Ya know...if I didn't have kids...it really wouldn't be worth going on at all. This all seems to be a continuation of my life. Whatever can go wrong usually does. If life cuts me a break, I manage to screw it up. I dislike hating, but more and more I'm so frustrated that that is all I feel. Friends? What is the use. Nothing anyone can do until I get away from Nabal. I can't talk or go anywhere.
I honestly have too much hate to be any kind of friend. I see myself really living alone as far back in the woods as possible. I can paste on a good face for what I do for a living. It friends are for the young, the social. It's just easier alone. Easier to be silent. I realized lately when I'm around people and have to talk I get afraid of the silence and end up saying too much. I'm just annoying most people anyway so I just might as well shut up. I'm good at what I do and I don't have to talk much to do it so that's really just perfect. In my head I can fathom things without bothering others. I can talk to God. But mostly I can be silent and listen to my music, learn my trade and enjoy solitude. I have a feeling I won't be missed to awful much anyway. Hell, Nabal's main need for me is my brain to do his work and keep his company going and easy sex so he feels good. I guess chores and food too. Other. Maybe I'm just having a pity party, maybe my life really has always sucked. It really has, Nabal is just a symptom not the cause. All that was laid in place before I had much say in anything. Some get over it, others, as a friend told me are just broken and that would be me- broken from the start. This is all a symptom. Gosh I hope I get over these blues and back to numb. I don't usually voice any of this, I'd just seem like I was attention seeking. I have been sick. Surgery sick and in extreme pain and a woman at the hospital told me I was attention seeking and nothing was wrong with me. I was 5 months pregnant and my appendix had ruptured. They didn't know yet and she couldn't find it. This is my life- any time I feel bad, which isn't often at all there is always someone to accuse me of lying. Am I not worthy to be cuddled? Soothed? When my grand parents died so did any soothing. Even on bed rest after surgery everyone from my mother to my husband to the floor nurse told me it wouldn't kill me to get up and do just a little. The doctor disagreed. I'm pretty strong, yes. I'm tall, yes. Even a mule you don't put away wet. Why have I always been thought to be someone who should be able to stand whatever life throws my way without any shoulder for support, yet when all around me need support I'm expected to drop everything and be there at their disposal? Life isn't fair, of that I am quite certain, but I get small doses from a handful of special people many of who I have managed to chase away I'm assuming. Used to be an old saying: Don't get sick for too long, people will get tired of you. Maybe I've been sick for toto long in life. Nabal manages to berate me every single time I get sick. After I call him out he has to admit that may be once every year or two and not constantly. It's like I am never allowed. I'm the work horse that when I get lame they beat me to keep going. Hell just shoot me and put me out of my damn misery. My rant on my soapbox for my pity party. Thank you.
Monday, October 8, 2012
Monday
I'm just so tired of Nabal trying to tell me how I feel. He constantly tells me I'm angry. I'm not...annoyed, disgusted, frustrated, worn out. Those are what I am. When I get angry I get heated. So I know for a fact that I'm not angry.
Told him tonight that a family we have known for at least 16 years, the husband is having surgery tomorrow. Nabal proclaims: It's because he drinks too much. It's 12:21 at night and Nabal is blasting mariachi music. Our house is neither large nor soundproof. Ass! He's drunk off his ass. Claims EVERYTHING he does is because he cares for his family so much. Why doesnt anyone say something? No one wants to talk to him. We all know he doesn't give a rat's ass about anyone but himself.
Tonight he was trying to get me to promise I'd go to Mexico with him this Christmas because his niece is very ill. I really don't ever want to go to Mexico with him again. All I do there is clean, cook and fix everything they don't fix for their drunk of a mother. I told him he should go, just as an answer not to be rude. (Am I nuts caring I may be rude by not answering?) he starts lecturing me that it's his family and since we are married, therefore my family. I was like that once and I very much like two of his brothers. I don't have any want to pretend in there. I just won't not for any kind of face saving. His mother's house has no heat and I refuse to sleep in the same bed with Mr. Toucheyfeelie.
Tonight he was comPlaining about his old Pastor Noel. He's legalistic, he prefers and give preference to people with money. All trueby the way, and then some! Then he claims Noel knows what he does and does nothing about it. They are all without love and do nothing with love. True, but now the accusation of knowing his actions...very interesting. Pretty sure that's not the truth. Noel wanted Nabal to sign some legal document about him no longer working for the church. Then Nabal starts the drunk Infusing talk. About how them asking him to sign something is against God and a sin. He kept wanting me to agree with him, but I didn't even begin to understand what he was talking about. I changed he subject. Nabal is just tiring to talk to. Guard every word, every inflection of the. Pice lest he act like I've done or said something to make him think there is nothing wrong. He really does try to catch me at odd moments and act normal. He's a sly one...but not sly enough. Just simply tiring.
Told him tonight that a family we have known for at least 16 years, the husband is having surgery tomorrow. Nabal proclaims: It's because he drinks too much. It's 12:21 at night and Nabal is blasting mariachi music. Our house is neither large nor soundproof. Ass! He's drunk off his ass. Claims EVERYTHING he does is because he cares for his family so much. Why doesnt anyone say something? No one wants to talk to him. We all know he doesn't give a rat's ass about anyone but himself.
Tonight he was trying to get me to promise I'd go to Mexico with him this Christmas because his niece is very ill. I really don't ever want to go to Mexico with him again. All I do there is clean, cook and fix everything they don't fix for their drunk of a mother. I told him he should go, just as an answer not to be rude. (Am I nuts caring I may be rude by not answering?) he starts lecturing me that it's his family and since we are married, therefore my family. I was like that once and I very much like two of his brothers. I don't have any want to pretend in there. I just won't not for any kind of face saving. His mother's house has no heat and I refuse to sleep in the same bed with Mr. Toucheyfeelie.
Tonight he was comPlaining about his old Pastor Noel. He's legalistic, he prefers and give preference to people with money. All trueby the way, and then some! Then he claims Noel knows what he does and does nothing about it. They are all without love and do nothing with love. True, but now the accusation of knowing his actions...very interesting. Pretty sure that's not the truth. Noel wanted Nabal to sign some legal document about him no longer working for the church. Then Nabal starts the drunk Infusing talk. About how them asking him to sign something is against God and a sin. He kept wanting me to agree with him, but I didn't even begin to understand what he was talking about. I changed he subject. Nabal is just tiring to talk to. Guard every word, every inflection of the. Pice lest he act like I've done or said something to make him think there is nothing wrong. He really does try to catch me at odd moments and act normal. He's a sly one...but not sly enough. Just simply tiring.
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Sunday
Such a bad night last night. Such a drunk Nabal last night. Saturday night he reeks of beer. Sunday afternoon he reeks of shaving lotion. Too much alcohol nauseatingly overdone applied in ea h instance. I could write but I'm tired. Later.
Friday, October 5, 2012
Friday
Nabal... Golly he was so drunk last night he didn't remember a thing and he did perform. I went to a history talk, our girl was hanging with friends, our boy was 'around.' I came in and Nabal roused out of his stupor as he listened to Mariachi music on the TV full blast. Our girl was out back with friends: boys and girls, black, white and Spanish. Nabal had it in his mind that the boys were trying to take advantage of the 'little Mexican girls.' These are all school friends past and present. He didn't care, he specially wanted to 'beat up' the black fellow. For no other reason than that he was black... Nabal is always crying about being discriminated against for being Mexican. He had tried to call me repeatedly while I was at the talk- my phone was on silent. He ended up calling our boy and telling him said crap. He proceeded to quickly pass out again and was down for the count. He said she was all he was li vying for...since I didn't want him anymore. How easily he makes it sound like I just lost interest or some such drivel. He tells me what he did was just life and I just am not accepting it.
Lately it's been hard again, hard to be sociable. To think anyone would really seek me out as a friendI feel I have to say everything fast because I'll only get one shot. I'm ok with subject oriented people. Specific give and take. Makes it controlled. I so need help, but so do my boy and girl. He has anger issues and blame issues. Nabal didn't spend that much time with him but any time he did was training time. He actually instructed the boy in disrespecting women. But from the angle of men are never questioned by women especially on their house. Wow, set the kid up like that way before he was even 5 years old. Our girl told me she has anxiety or panic attacks. We are a f-ing mess. I would have never dreamed one person could cause such havoc and so subtly.
To this day he is still trying to make me responsible for his stuff. He refuses to take the chickens to a man wih land who likes and keeps chickens. Nabal has decided to keep them in his car he paid $5,000 for to fix up and sell. Yesterday he forgot to let them out of the car. At 1 p.m. He calls and asks have I let the chickens out the car. Of course I said no. He starts giving me a lecture about how much time it takes to let them out. Pretty much like I was some irresponsible child. I did let him finish...then let him know I'd just been out all morning taking care of all the well business in another county. His reply: Oh. He dropped the subject pretty quickly. I didn't being the chickens here. I told everyone I wasn't taking responsibility. I recently told him they needed to go elsewhere so they could survive the winter. He did this to me with our little dog. He brought her here and then old me it was my responsibility to train her. He née lifted a finger. To this day whatever that dog does is my fault. No one asked for a new dog. Our girl wanted one but completely different type. Just so very tired of being accused and held responsible for things that aren't my concern. He's always forced me in subtle ways to feel responsible, and mean and selfish if I didn't.
The other day a young acquaintance who is married to a Mexicam gentlan wrote of her frustration in cleaning dishes and the kitchen only to walk in the living room to find dishes, bowls, silverware and a glass her husband left by his chair... It is really that self deprecating to take your dishes to the kitchen? I'd it's that demeaning why save it for your beloved wife? I am not saying he even has to wash them, but why do the women have to hunt the house to find snack dishes? I remember once my boy went to a friend's house for dinner and he got mad when he had to take his dishes into the kitchen. (Just like everyone else. Even the boys and husband) They are pretty conservative in roles in their house, yet she considers it common courtesy to lend a hand.
Lately it's been hard again, hard to be sociable. To think anyone would really seek me out as a friendI feel I have to say everything fast because I'll only get one shot. I'm ok with subject oriented people. Specific give and take. Makes it controlled. I so need help, but so do my boy and girl. He has anger issues and blame issues. Nabal didn't spend that much time with him but any time he did was training time. He actually instructed the boy in disrespecting women. But from the angle of men are never questioned by women especially on their house. Wow, set the kid up like that way before he was even 5 years old. Our girl told me she has anxiety or panic attacks. We are a f-ing mess. I would have never dreamed one person could cause such havoc and so subtly.
To this day he is still trying to make me responsible for his stuff. He refuses to take the chickens to a man wih land who likes and keeps chickens. Nabal has decided to keep them in his car he paid $5,000 for to fix up and sell. Yesterday he forgot to let them out of the car. At 1 p.m. He calls and asks have I let the chickens out the car. Of course I said no. He starts giving me a lecture about how much time it takes to let them out. Pretty much like I was some irresponsible child. I did let him finish...then let him know I'd just been out all morning taking care of all the well business in another county. His reply: Oh. He dropped the subject pretty quickly. I didn't being the chickens here. I told everyone I wasn't taking responsibility. I recently told him they needed to go elsewhere so they could survive the winter. He did this to me with our little dog. He brought her here and then old me it was my responsibility to train her. He née lifted a finger. To this day whatever that dog does is my fault. No one asked for a new dog. Our girl wanted one but completely different type. Just so very tired of being accused and held responsible for things that aren't my concern. He's always forced me in subtle ways to feel responsible, and mean and selfish if I didn't.
The other day a young acquaintance who is married to a Mexicam gentlan wrote of her frustration in cleaning dishes and the kitchen only to walk in the living room to find dishes, bowls, silverware and a glass her husband left by his chair... It is really that self deprecating to take your dishes to the kitchen? I'd it's that demeaning why save it for your beloved wife? I am not saying he even has to wash them, but why do the women have to hunt the house to find snack dishes? I remember once my boy went to a friend's house for dinner and he got mad when he had to take his dishes into the kitchen. (Just like everyone else. Even the boys and husband) They are pretty conservative in roles in their house, yet she considers it common courtesy to lend a hand.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Tuesday
Nabal had the day off because of weather and he's drunk again. There is a reason I have been curt and unrelenting the past few years- if I'm in the least civil he suddenly thinks I've 'gotten over' my whatever. Tonight he was telling some story and I listened to it figuring an escape. He took that as some sort of overture. He tells me what a nice conversation we had. All I did was be polite like I was talking to anyone else. Less than 10 minutes and he's asking for a kiss. I worked the evening and he was out when I got home, Yay! He had the computer and had stalked every woman you could imagine, and been on FB's match.com page. Now he's talking about us going out with some couple he knows who square dance. Like that will ever happen. That's why I'm usually tight lipped. He is now talkin about us and movin to another house around here. I've told him time and again that I really dislike the area and that we are done. I think he has really convinced himself that I'm mad about lack of money. He has jobs now and thinks it all means I'll come around. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. He's had his chances and struck out every time. When all this started, and I woke up, he was rolling in cash. He pissed it all away. His excuse one drunken night for the ladies was that he 'went a little crazy' because of the money. In essence, if he has enough money he doesn't need me. He's going to be the playboy. I would actually like him to 'strike it rich' again. He'd be out of here faster than you could say divorce! He only started backpedalling when he realized he was broke and in so much debt. Why? He still needs my brain. Why am I still here, or why is he stil here? Finances, plain and simple. I can't afford to be free of him, and it's a little scary to wonder how he will react.
Ha! The other night he tried with the God wants one big happy family and I'm the one causing trouble. If I behaved: Our finances would straighten out. His church would grow. He'd stop drinking. Our children would be normal kids. Gee...not much of a guilt trip huh? So, still no apology, no acceptance of his part. Just a smiling: Sometimes things just get a little crazy and mistakes happen. Now come sleep with me and you'll get over all this. Really!?! I don't think so. I'd like to say ever...but I learned young to never say never.
Ha! The other night he tried with the God wants one big happy family and I'm the one causing trouble. If I behaved: Our finances would straighten out. His church would grow. He'd stop drinking. Our children would be normal kids. Gee...not much of a guilt trip huh? So, still no apology, no acceptance of his part. Just a smiling: Sometimes things just get a little crazy and mistakes happen. Now come sleep with me and you'll get over all this. Really!?! I don't think so. I'd like to say ever...but I learned young to never say never.
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