Disturbing

The whole week has been just one disturbing revelation after another. Nabal and real reality are parting ways at an alarming rate of speed.

Last night, Jimmy Fallon on in the background, Kate Winslet was on. I knew when she came out that he was going to have something to say. She had on a red dress that, a few more pounds down I could rock. Nothing racy, just a well fitted dress.

Nabal was very high, and I really can't say on what. He was headed out to go dancing with his new girlfriend. (Yeah, that'll have to wait) Instead he was repeatedly begging me to 'give' myself to him because I'm the one he really loves and can't do without. He started talking about his male member leading and controlling his life. It has to have women, it likes women. I really like women. (That wasn't half the creepy coming out...!)

He looked up at the TV and started in on a half conscious dialog: F#*%ing women, look how big my ti++ies are, look how big my ass is. Don't you want to f#*k these. Don't you want to f#*k these. F#*%ing bitches women!

Then he fell silent... Please baby, please give yourself to me. I love you. I'll treat you right this time. All's you gotta do is come home and let me take care of you and see my little kids grow up.

Very disturbing!

Preparing to Disappear

I've really been thinking more and more that I'm going to need to disappear. Go underground. Nabal had been using pills and cocaine. Last week I really insisted that there would never be an us again. Told him I knew what he was doing and had proof. Naked pictures of Mary asleep in some hotel, taken by him. Haggling texts to and from hookers. Craigslist conversations, him lining at women seeking men, and men seeking men. This in answer to his professions of undying love... I feel less than nothing. Then he tells me he and Mary are over- because he hit her. WTF? (Odd how he channels all his abuse towards her.) Not that I care, but she has another fellow who hits her, and she continues seeing him.

This week:
Weekend hotel room charges. He's drunk...again, says he thinks he has a nose infection. He thought it was allergies 2 weeks ago. (Hmm, allergic to cocaine maybe.)

First he talks about how much he's going to do before he goes to Mexico...for good. Then he turns to begging me to let him sleep with me. Right this very night. Again- WTF? He passed out.

He wakes, I'm playing games on my phone: What are you doing on that phone?

Me: What?

Nabal: Texting? Texting someone probably. What are you doing?

Me: That would be you. You screw anything on two legs.

Nabal: You better not get with someone else! You better not!
(Really, you just asked Mary to live with you!) Just possessions.

Me: This from the one f#*#ing anyone you can get your hands on?

He again tries to plead his love. Ask why I don't answer his text or calls. Told him I was really didn't want to. And don't you threaten me. His answer- I not threaten you. When?

Yeah, slipping away quietly if he doesn't succumb to his addictions first. I've been mentally planning and put a few things into action. I have a few friends, but when I say anything-then they get too pushy. (Well meaning, worried, but pushy) I know I've gotten quiet lately with everyone, because they ask questions. I answer, but I'm still talking about Nabal. Don't want to talk or think about Nabal.  Everyone else had gotten tired of waiting for me to move. Probably thinking I'm either weak our enjoying this crap somehow. They're gone.

Realize: When you see a woman has been killed by an abuser. I see people in general, children from abusive homes and sadly some survivors, soapbox about women needing to get some backbone and leave their abuser. Why do they stay?! Most of these women did finally get that courage and said they were leaving, or weren't going to take it anymore. That's when abusers kill. You're theirs, you can't leave. Better dead and gone, than just gone.

Masks

It's a very sad point to reach. I once assumed most people told the truth unless proven otherwise. I've come to realize, and looking back it's been for at least a year or more, I hear words from loved ones and assume they are untruths or shades of the truth unless verified. I realize I've cut myself off from a great many friends, because I'm always analyzing, always seeking these shade lies. Acquaintances? I'm not close enough to really care.

I have, what to me is an unnatural talent mixed with ineptitude. I'm horrible at spotting personal lies, yet I always catch people in them. Once I've caught them...verifying every word they speak becomes a necessity. Then I lose contact, because it's way too taxing.

Trust. My trust has been lost. I don't know if I'll ever find it again. I honestly don't trust people to honor me with the truth. I sometimes wonder what it is about me that makes feel the need to lie.

This is something I really need to work through. Living under lies for so many years...makes me sea then everywhere. Sad part is they are usually verified these days by proof. It makes me not trust anyone. Anyone. Because I can't see the true face. All I see are masks for the world.

The Reality Rock

And that fast...dashed against the reality rock.

It's been an odd week. Found out that a co-workers ex, one who showed all the signs of an abuser, committed violence against her. She was raised in an abusive home, her mother was physically and verbally abused by her husband. My co-worker, in her 30's, related to me once how she disliked her mother. She disliked the woman because she hadn't left. She disliked her mother's weakness. The good news is that her mother food lose her abusive husband...finally, but not soon enough to stop him damaging a new generation.

We'd spoken honestly about the co-worker's ex in that he was a classic covert manipulator. She saw herself as strong, strong enough to tell him she was through with the relationship and all that was left was their shared son. After a police involves incident last fall she asked him to move out. He tried to coerce her back into bed. He pretended to take more financial responsibility. She stuck to get guns, and in the end had to find him a new place to live because he'd done nothing towards moving out. Finally in very late spring- he moved out on his own. She, being the strong woman she is, went back to school, built her own business, worked with us, all with a baby and young child.

Here it is late summer and she moved on. Had a gentleman friend she was happy- was not manipulative, had a good career and was encouraging. Over a weekend the new beau came for a visit. His final night- my co-worker's ex broke into her house late at night, beat the new beau up and threw her around, and broke things in her house. He told her he could kill her.

In the end, she had mentioned to others that she was indeed afraid of her ex.

This upset me. She'd not mentioned it to me. I hope because she always put on the tough face to me. Wondering inside herself why I didn't just grow a pair and leave.

What really upset me was the reaction of other women! Done went on about weak women who let things happen. Because they themselves got out of bad relationships. I saw glee in some eyes, people get jealous of her financial success. They simplify, just have him arrested and he'll learn his lesson, and if she doesn't- he'll do it again. Again a woman who left, but has often wondered why her husband did not 'try harder' when she left. He'd hit her and tried to forbid her. These are all liberated women... Very liberated, yet there is no compassion, no empathy.

Nabal takes pills and now drinks alone. Last night he put on the happy face- I miss you...love you. Let's go to Mexico! I told him I didn't care to go..anywhere with him.

He looked dumbfounded. What was he to tell his family? Did I have someone else? We could just go add friends. Is it me, our my family in Mexico? I'm not messing around with anyone. He had to go to sleep, he couldn't talk to me while he was drunk.

Today he calls. Are you alone? I don't like what you said to me last night.

And what did I say last night?

You said you didn't want me any more and I don't like it. We need to talk.

What I did say last night was that I was done. After years of his behavior, why does he think I should still be there waiting for him to get better?!

Nabal- What have I done wrong? I've done nothing wrong.

So, who it's at 'fault' in his mind? My unforgiving nature, to hear him tell it. I'm making plans, but he's not letting go.

The other night my boy said he could see his father trying to track and kill me...for letting him down.

Just depressing, very depressing.

Birthday Surprise

For the last few weeks I've been thinking of giving myself the best birthday present ever. This is another landmark number, and as I'm still waiting to celebrate the last. I'm really, really hoping I don't let myself down. A few months to keep this momentum up. Well, and waiting to see if Nabal really has the clout to beat his DUI. No tolerance in our state.

Funny how we can do much for kids, but feel little is due us... This would be for all of us.

DUI Charges

Well, last night I got a lecture on how spoiled the kids were. How they can't live on their own. So 'we' need to get together and teach them how to be adults. 'We.'

Where does all his concern come from? He knows everyone is planning moves, and he doesn't like it. They should both go to college-here in town. Don't blame a town. It's the same everywhere, so you might as well stay. He did not like when I reminded him that if that were the case, by rights he should still be in Mexico. He did not like when I told him that I'd move to South Carolina to jump start our youngest into the school best suited for learning disabilities. A year out of my life to help establish residency.

But alas, all roads lead to the same place with Nabal. "Why don't you want me, love me anymore? You never loved me."

Playing the innocent. His lament- yes I've made mistakes...mistakes? So I told him not holding back. His reply, "we won't talk about all that. This is about the kids."

He admitted his DUI. Told me all about the beautiful lady cops who felt sorry for him because of confusion going on... Said he talked to one of his lawyer friends he's worked for and they assured him they would make it all go away.

This I'm waiting to see. He does work for people of power, and it's very possible they could make his DUI disappear. How do these men garner such allegiance?

His fear of driving drunk and getting caught wore off within 3 days. He's back on the road.

His charges: following too close, DUI, and refusing breathalyzer.

After All This Time

Nabal finally got caught driving drunk. Today he went to pay some ticket, and was arrested for a failure to appear this morning. Our boy had to get him out...

Evidently it happened last weekend- and he didn't remember our some such tale.

Going tomorrow to get his name off my car. It's the only holdover from ages ago. I haven't because I knew he wouldn't sign. Now I have a good reason- not putting a breathalyzer on my car!

Thursday Morning

At 10:30 a.m. all the drunks arose. I was out doing yard work. There were more trucks than usual in front of our house. I figured they all rode together. Nope. Some were sitting on the back patio...talking. I came back in and there is Nabal- yesterday's clothes, yesterday's drunk still all on.

He looked at me pitifully and asked could I please stay home...

I went back to work. A truck started. Another drunk had slithered out of the house. Now Nabal is outside talking to the others under a tree. So much for work today...

Counseling session #2 yesterday. Safety planning. Challenging work for me. I play things off with a joke here a joke there. I hope it all eventually gets me courage. Fear will probably always be there, but courage is what propels one around that to move forward.

Tuesday

Last week I was at home only one day. I worked 6 straight days on and was refreshed! No way around it, the less I see of Nabal the healthier it is for me.

What I missed:

Our girl awoke one morning to a 'cup of soup' sprawled across the floor. (Yes the cup and its entire content.) Later Nabal asks her for something for a burn. Nabal had burned his hands, wrist to fingers. It was pretty bad. She gave him aloe and told him to keep it clean and lightly bandaged. (Let me tell you how proud I am she knows that.) He'd evidently been holding the cup while trying to fill it with boiling water...a la drunken coordination. He left it and passed out for the night. How drunk was he to have slept in that much pain?!

Outcome:
This week it's almost healed. He did not keep it clean and he rarely bathes... Show of hands for how many other people would have had a raging infection by now... I questioned him about how it happened. He deflected three times. Finally he said he was adding something, um, some spice something to it...after it set for 3 or 4 minutes it still burned him that bad. Obviously, he lied.

Last week the one day I was here Nabal was incredibly drunk. He forgot to shut his hen house door and loss nine chicks and his rooster. He was so mad at the fox... That fox had been picking off his chickens for years now. He later found one survivor. It now resides in his room. Yes...in the house, in his bedroom. (Can't make this stuff up...)

Nabal decided to run  a suggestion past me as to how 'we' should spend this week. We, should rent a hotel room- to talk, to get to know each other again, to frolic, to pull our marriage back together.

He got a resounding, emphatic- NO! Never!

This week over dinner with the kids. He confronted me. (Yes he was already drunk. Thank goodness the restaurant didn't serve liquor!) "We were supposed to spend the week, these two days together. At a motel." Why oh why does he think I won't answer him in front of the kids. I'm not trying to shelter them from truth... He thinks to shame me. Grrrr.

I told him I'd told him no last week when he suggested it. He tried to dispute me. I stick to my truth.

He lives in a whole other world...

A very good thing. My youngest child went away for a month for some in-depth training for a career move. Somehow Nabal managed to not only make it to the graduation, but was sober. I took off work. This is big. I'm so worried about my kids. Now that they're older Nabal likes to entice them to drink and smoke pot. Then he turns around and tells on them or tries to pontificate on their behavior... Same exact thing he does to all his drinking buddies. Everyone else is the nasty drunk...not him.

This is a big deal! This child at 18 had a viable, workable plan of how to have a life without excess, and has aspirations to a career.

Of course he tried to make it a day for him to get something out of. Every time I stopped our slowed down...He tried to slip his arm around me. You know like we were some solid loving couple. He really thought I'd be too embarrassed to do anything in public. He was dead wrong.

The program my child went through really dug deep. Much of it forced up issues that needed dealing with. They had group delving discussions. I'm quite sure the people there knew much of her background, and much of our family dynamic and dysfunction.

I'm so proud! Now kick the dust from your shoes and leave this town behind little one!

That's it. Tomorrow- first counseling session. I'm so excited! Then get a much needed adjustment and back to work. (Another long week. I'll get more rest again. Yay!)

Wrestling with so much. Divorce very soon.

Funny, he's still renting hotel rooms... He never did catch onto how I know.

Another Late Night

Another 3 a.m. wake-up... They get old quick.

Monday? Tuesday?

Why does an inebriated Nabal think anyone would want to be awakened out of a sounds sleep at 3 a.m. just to hear drunken babbling?

He was passed out out when I came in. (I drive slow) He awoke drunk and wandered downstairs. Got no further than the far 'L' of the couch. Then began whining for me to take his shoes off... I just kept quiet. Then complained he hadn't eaten all day. (A favorite statement of his for years. True or not.) Then wandered back upstairs and passed out again.

There is something written about abusive types knowing that waking people, breaking sleep, helps them wear their targets down. Helps to mentally weaken a person.

I'm so over all of this. Counseling for me this week. See if I can get my mind back working, and move things along. I realized that after I saw the lawyer, my mind became...not unsettled, but flitting again. Like when I first emerged from the fog. I knew I needed help. Fingers crossed, I'll get that help I need. I can't fail me now...I'm all I have.

Thursday

Nabal finally got up from the couch around 10. He tried to pretend he was sick...And wanted under the covers with me. Grrrr. I happened to be talking on the phone to a girlfriend. I hardly ever talk on the phone because of that. He thinks I'm sooo distracted that he always tries to do something sexual. Last night it was attempted groping. He forgets he's the impaired one here. Blocked him and ran him away.

Talked to our boy. When he left for work in the morning Nabal was passed out in his truck. Loaded with all his guys. He didn't go to work. They stayed around drinking all day. He just crossed a line he had not crossed in the past. Progression of alcoholism.

I happened to check the bank accounts...almost $3000 in the red... I pulled money back in from reserve accounts and got it down to $900.

Lots of reading this week.

Nabal says he just hasn't had time to collect his money... He just won't admit he loses all his time in a bottle.

4:15 p.m.

And Nabal is passed out on the living room sofa. All his work guys are outside. He didn't stir when I came in the door. First time I've seen him like this in the afternoon.

Attorney Day

I saw the lawyer today. Good meeting. I feel numb. My mind is swirling. Bought a copier, everything is going on hard copy.

Last night Nabal was very drunk. Very defensive about whatever I may possibly know.

Nabal:
"Yes, I still text the lady. I've never tried to hide anything." (I beg to differ) "I care nothing for those ladies. I only love you. You are the love of my life. I thought you never loved me. It was because of the stuff you pulled. Now I see I was mean because of that." (What did I 'pull' exactly? No answer.)

"Give yourself to me. Please. Will you never forgive me? I have apologized and asked forgiveness. Why are you so hard on me? I don't care about sex. You come back and stay home and take care of my business and the kids. We'll start back where we left off." (These 'kids' are legal young adults. Let's just diaper them up again...)

"I'm never leaving you or lettering you go. We're going to die together. You never let me kiss you the way I want to show you how deeply I love you." (Sheesh, 20 odd years)

"So, after all I said you're coming home and giving me another chance right?"

No.

He went on to tell me how unfair I was. Repeatedly asked was there someone else. (Oh because whatever he's done- women on top women, daily drunkenness, screwing with the kids and my head...isn't reason enough. Nor should I hold it against him, since I pushed him to it all.)

Control.

Also got a P.O. Box today. I gave the lawyer my address at work but don't want that mistakenly found out by his lawyer if it comes to that. Don't want him to find out that address.

P.S.

Nabal went out and came back drunk.

Nabal:

"Can I sit next to you mama? Have you been thinking about me?"

Nabal suddenly changes, is angry.

"You've been checking my phone. I know you have. I don't care about those other ladies! I don't care about them!"

Nabal goes to the bathroom and returns.

"I miss you so much. If I had you, I could kick this sh_t. (He points at his beer bottle) All I need is you with me."

Nabal retreats.

And there you have it. Whatever evidence I've found is irrelevant...because he said so. Yes he talks to them...had sex with them...but hey! That's ok. He cares nothing for them.

Translation:
Go back to sleep honey. The sky is green...Not blue. Trust me. Your only dreaming. I love you..more than you love yourself. (And more than I do all those other women)

Only you can save me. I'm not responsible for what happens if you try to leave.

The Day Before 'D' Day

Nabal... how does a person lie so glibly? I guess you have to be a liar of that magnitude to get it. I am utterly confused. (but not enough to cause doubt)

Everything is: I love you, I love you. Haven't checked his phone lately...but recent behavior is irrelevant.

A lovely day I was walking in the backyard.

Good, because I got in some walking after studying on the computer inside. Also the little dogs run behind me, so we both chew up a few calories.

Depressing, because there are cars all over the yard...and one big boat. Nabal for some reason decided to cut back my plants and some of my grandfather's...at some time in the winter... It was a bad winter...I hope they all make it. One thing I looked at, that he didn't prune severely...was a weed! He asked if I wanted him to buy more... Oh, and he says someone new owns the boat. I told him to tell them to sail it their backyard!

This is why I never let him touch my bushes. The only thing he ever wanted to do was cut them all almost to the ground. Not shape them, just hack them. I know some things you do cut like that. Roses for instance. I see it as either laziness, or that's what some lawn service he worked for did. Cool, he took his orders then from someone who knew what they were doing.

Depressing, because I found all manner of dishes, scrub buckets, laundry buckets, pots, pans. It's like he just had to destroy everything. Then want to replace it with some inferior crap.

When Nabal got home he came to talk...and try to touch my hair, my arm. Grrrr. I'm not a pet! He holds out his arms- will you give me a little hug? No.

He waited until I was on the porch...no way to get away. Rubbed my arm and tried for a hug. Again, no.

Nabal: Why? What did I do. I love you.

He sounds so much like some wounded child. Tomorrow! Tomorrow I see the lawyer. If we get along, she gets all the evidence. Seven years worth. This diary included. Thank you Lundy Bancroft for strongly suggesting keeping some sort of diary to keep reality straight.

Today I looked at Nabal's text to Mary and text to me. In one breath he asks her for a girlfriend hook up, with the next giving me the ILY's. He berated her for lying to him; yet has no issue doing the exact same thing to me. Exact same!

He berated her for lying about seeing another man...for years. Confronted them, then did some sort of sexual thing to her that she didn't agree to, nor invite. We have discussed Mary...for 7 years. Never but once has he told the truth. Which truth was that? When I first caught him and his reply was, "But she's so pretty." He saw her, he wanted her...nothing would stand in his way. Why get divorced when you can have then all?

Rereading, I was taken aback at how Nabal saw their sexual encounter as taking what he saw owed to him. I'm sure he was assuaging his feeling a fool, being played by such a smooth gold digger. Then offered a lame excuse as apology. I don't get either Mary or Nabal...sweet! I don't have to!

What I worry about is that he's going to be mad as hell that he got busted. He'll blame me, for making him seek other women. I look back over our years. He's always tried to make me pay for things I never did. Why did he need to break me?

Funny thing, I always accounted his accusations as karma. Once. Once I'd betrayed my best best friend. I was young and I was wrong. I figured not being trusted in my marriage was just paying karma back. I guess that helped me deal with it. Bow my head and take it as payback from the universe. Not particularly a very Christian thought pattern...you just have to be me.

Wednesday

Nabal and the full court press...

Drunk as expected. Nabal tried getting handsie again. Something he hasn't tried in a while.

"Mama why you always get mad at me? I like touching you."

"When are you going to come home and be my little lady?"

"Let me sleep with you. Move over so I can lay down."

"Let's go to a hotel. We'll spend the night talking. Eat breakfast and spend the day talking. Ok?"

"I have something to tell you...you're gonna get mad at me. Promise me you won't get mad...Ok? Now don't get mad. (He went on to talk about intimate things while trying to recline on my legs.) I knew you'd get mad..."

"Your my wife. I'll paint the bedroom, then you come sleep with me and feel good about it."

This after I told him it was his problem that he needed a lil woman in his life.

For part of all this I was talking to our girl, who happens to be away for a month doing some training. She rarely gets to call. He truly cares about nothing but himself. He kept trying to interrupt. Acting like he couldn't understand why I wasn't paying attention to him. I noticed he caught himself a few times, when he remembered who I was talking to, before hee got nasty that I want hanging up.

I was waiting for his 'big' confession... maybe he was going to come clean. Nope!

"I have no one in my life...no one"

Entitlement, entitlement, entitlement. Lies to cover lies to cover lies. He really does see women as...objects? Low life's? Shallow?

All he's got to do is successfully bed them...and he has them. Didn't he learn that doesn't work from Mary? In fact she called him on that very thing after their encounter. She told him he thought by confronting her with get guy friend, then forcing himself on her that he'd win her. She told him, in so many words, that neither of them had her, nor had any chance of holding her. Ah, but I see that since he did what he did, and let's face it, got away with it. Nabal believes he didn't really do anything bad. Mary did not call the law on him. They continued their banter. He seemingly is forgiven as a friend who went too far. Maybe she figured now she'll get guilt money out of him.

All I've got to say: Not my circus. Not my monkeys.

One more week...and I'll find out how this is all going to go down.

I Did It!

Got a hot date with a good lawyer in a few weeks!

Well an appointment. I think I sounded like an imbecile...just speaking with the lawyer had me shaking. Gosh, here we go again, just like my first ALANON meeting. Took me 3 tries before I could walk into a meeting. A woman welcomed another new woman and me, telling us that the first time she'd come into a meeting- she'd felt like she was betraying her alcoholic. The other woman burst into tears. I was speechless. This woman had explained to me what I was feeling! It was such a revelation. How could I, who lived with all that crazy, actually feel as if I were betraying him. The originator of my family's hell.

I am looking back now, and looking at the here and now. It's as if my thoughts, my feelings were a river. I know this river as if I were a native of these waters. And indeed that I am. Yet there is another current flowing far below the surface. A current, foreign to my waters. As if some other entity, maybe a devastating storm, had done something far upstream, unbeknownst to me to create this treacherous current. This current surfaces at times, taking me unawares. Troubling the water in a way that...startles me? Confuses me? Makes me doubt my ability to navigate the familiar waters of my being.

I feel so alone. I have good friends around me, but I feel I mostly hold my own hand.  They mean well. They want the kids and me out of this and safe, but at times they get a little pushy... I have to step back. Time...It's been 7 years too many. I know this.

This is like that first high dive. You want to do it. (Wouldn't be up there if you didn't.) That fear of unknown. Knowing one thing for sure- once you start...you're in, all in. No turning back. In your head you know the how of it, but if you land wrong...

Nabal had been very low key with his drinking lately. He tries the shy boy act. Innocently coming beside me attempting to casually put his arm around me. (Something he never did all these years.) Trying to touch me in some way. Asking if he can lay down with me. Standing like a toddler with arms outstretched, asking for a hug our kiss. Begging for a kiss in a child's voice. Just kinda creepy knowing what I know.

The IRS is on Nabal again- he didn't pay his quarterlys...again. For the first time he actually had the money. He doesn't want to deal with any of it. He asked me if I had stamps. I told him our boy did. He asked me could he buy then anywhere... He knows he can! He is trying to...I don't know act like a child? Trying to nudge something in me that he believes wants to take care of him? Just mind boggling.

Nabal asked me today if I had the number to the jail. Umm, not something I keep on my speed dial. Pablito got locked up again. My boy saw he was sliding towards the edge...again. That was weeks ago.

My boy turned 21 this week. A man. I truly hope I provided enough influence, soon enough. Soon enough to turn him acting anything like Nabal. The drinking, the way Nabal thinks about women. I told my boy I love him with all my heart, but if I ever caught him in any of those behaviors I'd call him to the carpet on it all.

Lord may he follow your ways not the ways of his earthly father.

Truth Comes Out

Confabulation or plain old lying?

Nabal couldn't get his friend out of jail because of a weird feeling bad headache. Right?

Headache...must have been the beer.

Didn't feel well= sloppy drunk.

Didn't go pick get him out of jail because he felt so bad- drunks know not to walk into jail high and staggering drunk!

Felt bad and fell asleep= passed out.

Mysterious memory loss= drunken blackout.

And he tried to make it all sounds so mysterious. Tried to get sympathy. He was just doing his usual thing- drink till drunk, pizzas out, blackout. Next day, replay.

Frustrated

I'm driving back to my kids tonight. I don't even think of my house as home. It's mine by virtue of it being heir property. I'm stopping to write at a rest stop...because I really don't want to deal with Nabal.

Last night he left a message. Very business like. Left his name. Like I maybe wouldn't know who it was...

Today he called while I was at work. I really did think to call him and get it over with. I just couldn't bring myself to call.

He called shortly after I got on the road. He started on some long winded story about some guy he worked for years ago. The guy became a missionary to Mexico. The tale telling took forever. Then he asked if I liked the story. Huh? Who the heck asks that? Did I understand what he said. WTF? If course I understand! He wants 'us' to go visit the man and see his efforts. What?! I told him he could go. (Please!) He pressed that 'we' go. Everything he said I just answered- no! I had to go, is been there before.

He's searching for the hook. That one scenario that will drag me back in. That one perfect thing. How crazy is he? He knows I love the Lord. He knows (remembered) I really like the Sierra Madres. He must have thought that was a stroke of brilliance.

Did he really think I'd lose my mind over that story? Fantasy world at its best. Woe for me.

Then he told the story of how Hector was arrested. No license, 3 outstanding tickets... Then there was some convolution. He remembered his head hurting in an odd way, and not feeling well. He was to get Hector out of jail today.  He completely forgot! The man's wife/ex-wife called and he had no recollection...

Was he drinking last night? Don't know. Kids don't know. If not...really bad.

Well, it's late enough. Praying he's asleep.

Women's shelter week for a meeting. Praying for a lead to a good lawyer.

I'm seriously wondering if I let him know what I really know. Would he desist and go on to his next relationship. A girl can hope, but keep reality in site... He'll try to weasel his way out of that.

Like the feeble excuses he gave Mary after their violent encounter. He thinks they are viable reasons to let him remain in ones life. Worked with Mary...but she's hoping for more money to fall from that quarter. I...want nothing more than to never lay eyes on Nabal ever again in life. I wish him well...somewhere else.

Thank you Lord! He's passed out drunk, sitting up in the living room. I walked right past him and turned off all the lights.

Thursday

I've stood my ground firmly. I haven't backed down at all. Divorce, divorce, divorce. The end, the end, the end.

Still he's trying to sit close to me. Put his arm around me. Asks for hugs, kisses pleeeeese Chiquita. But I love you. Confronting about my texting... I was putting names to pictures.

I'm taking pictures of very old family pictures. Putting them on ancestry. Putting them on Facebook. If I don't make it out...I want my family to have these things in free circulation. With notes they don't know.

The last few days...have been and felt like I'm preparing things...For death.

I'm talking to old friends I love dearly without end. Letting them know what's going on. In my mind I'm saying goodbye...in case I have to. I'm talking to my kids. Trying to get across to them what I'd like them to be. How I want them to live, to change things that make life hard. I'm trying to convince them to not underestimate Nabal.

I do enjoyed the happiness and freedom of last week. I knew I was going to be like ole Wiley Coyote- the weight lifted, but it was headed back down even them.

Odd though, this week I uncharacteristically destroyed my glasses. My prescription glasses. They needed replacing bad. Replaced, pick up next week. My battery went almost caput. I'd known for some time I'd need to replace it in the summer. All done.

This all seems so much like I'm being prepared for something. The suspense...

I heard last night that Nabal told the kids he'd passed out in a local club and awoke in an ambulance. Of which he refused service and ran away from.

Wednesday

He's still not believing. We started afresh this morning. Him with bowed head and tentative. He should be on stage...

Last week I was happier than I've been in years. I let it wah over me, because I knew I was staying down a dark path. So I took that moment to be whole again.

Pushing forward, yet feeling relieved because we haven't reached that part where I fear for our lives. I mean, not in an abstract way- but a very tangible, it's here do were push the panic button way.

I can say this is three thing that keeps women in 'situations' the fear and anxiety are gripping. Domestic violence situations hold all the same things- but in a more predictable way. When you leave you never know where the limit well stop. You never know when they will finally reach that corner of 'helplessness' losing control over another. Then allowing the lose of control over themselves. If you won't stay...upper bad, worthless and in their books don't need to go on.

Tuesday

Not knowing that I know what I know, Nabal is trying to lay it on thick. "No one but you baby. 7 years is nothing to the 23 we have together. I can't be the man I should without you. I don't blame any of this on you. You don't want me anymore. You're going to throw us away. I drink because I'm bored without you in my life. Do you like your kids? Do you like me? Can you just be my friend. We should stay together as friends. My heart is breaking here. Come back to me, let me prove myself. I tried to stop drinking, but can't without you."

On the other hand:
This wasn't all me, I f-ed up but you f-ed up to you know- bad. You need to stay home and I'll take care of everything. I know you went through my phone...I know you used to. You never loved or cared for me. If you did goes could you do this to me. Never have I ever had any other woman. (He did not inhale, nor did he have sex with that woman- haha)

I was listening between the lines. (lies) He was getting angry but calming himself. That happened whenever his well rehearsed dialogue didn't make me give in. Even repent my 'meanness' towards him. Mean equals any time I stand up for myself. Anytime I don't swallow his lies hook, line and sinker. Mean is anything that goes against what he wants.

I'm kinda afraid right now. I think when he finally believes me, he'll flip. I'm just not sure at what point he'll believe me. When he will finally believe his cajoling really won't some day change my mind. I fear for the kids. I fear for myself.

God please protect us. He asked flat out if there was any chance that I'd 'be his wife again' ever. I told him clearly- no. I fear.

He apologized for being over jealous... I think, he's in some way apologizing for that Mary incident,  not to her but to me. Maybe he feels as long as he apologizes to some woman...it counts.

I heard him come in tonight. Maybe, just maybe, he wants to be put out so he can say truthfully that he was. To play on the next's sympathies. He sounded pretty happy- running around giggling to himself.

Getting Dates Straight

Text wars happened: February 7, 2015

Mary's texts accusing rape: February 15, 2015

Valentine's day maybe?

Nabal asks for a black dating hook up: March 10, 2015

Same day he asked Mary to 'give herself to him' he missed her.

Oh and said sorry...He drank you much and felt bad about his life...

Ah, same old circumstantial apologies. He's sorry, but it really want his fault.

All this truly baffles me... How can she continue talking to him? How loosely they continue to bring up his 'man of God' status and trade blessings on each other's days... I just can't wrap my mind around any of it.

Not going to begin to try. That's their weirdness, not mine.

Smoking Gun?

Well... Last night Nabal was very, very drunk. He passed out trying to convince me of his love, threatening, anger. He'd awakened me around 3:30 a.m.

Yup I looked for his phone. Figured nothing was there since the text wars between Mary and my kids. No phone. Finally he staggered upstairs. He had Pablo in the house so I want going looking. Couldn't fall asleep went to the bathroom. Phone! Like a gift! Thank you Lord!

First message from Mary. Evidently Nabal followed Mary and had some sorry of encounter with her while she was with another man she...keeps time with.

Important, Nabal was not Mary's escort for the new years party. It was this man. He had hit her around Xmas- ergo family displeasure at his being at the party.

Mary accused Nabal of rape. Said she still had the condom from the deed and was going to have him arrested. Oddest language- she was saying how disappointed she was in his actions since they were friends. Oh, and he was a man of God... how she'd kept their friendly relationship a secret since he was married.

Rape! WTF? He never denied it. Just replied with obscenities. By the first of March they were back to chatting and lol-ing. Somewhere in there he did ask her to not talk about what happened between them with other people, but keep it between the two of them. She admitted they were cheating. Nabal asked Mary to hook him up with one of her girlfriends. A black one.

Again, WTF?

Nabal told Isela that he was now single. Her reply- What happened? Did she catch you cheating?
Nabal- too many ladies. But what I need it's a woman friend I can talk to.

Nabal was overheard saying he was moving to Borger, TX.

Nabal told some woman on Facebook that he was getting a divorce.

So tell me why today he was acting like a wounded soul. Wanting a hug. Wanting to talk. How much he loves me. (Almost laughed aloud) He kept trying to touch me. (Creeped me out.) Wanted to wash where he touched. He forced himself on a woman! He told her because she's been doing the same thing to him for years to get money. (Figuratively I'm guessing) Oh but I believe he did it. He never denied it at all.

Just hope somehow what I've gathered can get an at fault divorce so this doesn't have to go on for years.

I was never quite sure, but nite I am. He's actually worse that I'd ever wanted to think.

Lawyers here I come!

My Changing Mindset

Over the last few weeks my mindset had changed. I've used the 'D' word in constructive sentences with Nabal. He's been acting like a child scolded vaying for attention. He's not believing me.

He hasn't changed...accused me of believing he was a 'bad' person. Believing that he was 'messing' with women when he was innocent. (I've seen proof.) I'm breaking his heart.

Every time I return home...I have to start all over again. He wants a hug. A kiss. Can we sleep together?

He's trying to wear me down... I've started thinking of him as my 'soon to be ex'. It has changed my whole outlook. I'm planning places if I need to hide. He's started asking where exactly I live. Says he's going to appear...so we can sleep together. Why have I never invited him up...? Where I live- hard to find, out in the boonies. Where I work? Very easy, a landmark place. So I may need to jump and run.

Need a P.O. Box. Need to get in to a lawyer now the weather is better.

This is my 4th year out of training. This is my 7th year since this all got too much to handle and I crept out of the fog. First year, I was hoping things would get better. Through that year my eyes were opened and Nabal sank deeper. Second year, I was jarred with reality and concluded that my thoughts the year before were correct- this needed to end.

It took so very long to get back to myself. I'd tried to fit in. Do anything to help Nabal and his family. Being him nothing but good. Yes I fell short all the time. I was doing the love is a choice. It is and can be done. Until it's thrown back in your face one too many times. I could choose it now. Maybe I'm wrong...but I'm done.

It felt like clawing my way to the surface again. I'd twisted and contorted myself to make another happy. I lost so much of me. I still have yet to get it all back...Maybe I never will.

Now, I fell like I can breathe again. My self preservation is back. Back in full swing.

I want to live again. I want to love again. I want my kids to be normal if possible. I want to live without fear, without hopelessness. I want to live.

Finally embracing that one can only change ones self. I'd not change, regain.

Altered Perceptions

"Why don't you like me anymore?  You think I'm bad. You ate treating me badly. You have to let me finish what I started."

And what is it you need to finish?

"When I married you..."

Oh, but you have finished it.

Nabal had to tell me the story of Jacob.  (A very bad bible boy.) So he could lecture me on God's forgiveness. He told me I think he's bad.  Bad because I 'thought' he was messing with a bunch of women.  But he was not. 

I had to laugh.  If I hadn't seem the proof... I'd be feeling bad.  Nabal informed me that,  "it wasn't as bad as I remember any of it. "

Again,  if I didn't have pictures,  forwards, and my own writing as proof.

He tried to tell me he was just doing what I did in my 20's... and I wasn't there to help him through it... What?

Oh,  in my 20's...I wasn't married!

He just came downstairs. "This is not over!" (Very angry tone) If he goes, he'll take the kids.  I'll be sorry. So much 'we' never taught them. 

He just finished telling a visiting friend of the kids... how dark he is.  Just crazy drunk crap.

Yeah,  he's going to get unbearable.  He feels slighted.  He feels he deserves unlimited chances. Only one night home this week, and I just don't want to be here. 

He asked where I lived again. I told him- atop a mountain. He's trying to figure out if he could appear one night and ask around.  He once asked if there were many Spanish there. Nope. He asked why wouldn't I invite him up for some loving. He's trying to figure a way to drop in on me.  I live in the wilderness.  Even with an address, gps will only bring you within miles.  I may need to cut and run from my job.  That, is easy to find. I'll head further into the sticks and find a new job. I'm pretty dang marketable. Even in the sticks.

My girl told me he's still hunting for information on the conversation with Mary.  Caught in his own net I'd say.

Last Thursday

He's asking if I thought on our reuniting.
He's going to get me flowers. (the first real hearts and flowers of the hearts and flowers phase)
He's pushing to get my pastor involved...

I talked to my pastor last night. He was shocked to find out he was on Nabal's radar. I explained what was going on and Nabal's wasn't of immediate gratification. He said 6 months solids good behavior. I told him I was past that and just wanted out.

It's like Nabal can read minds. Probably body language and the kafuffel with Mary. I was and still am getting to that lawyer.

Then...he came downstairs...odd hard look on his face. He was asking about my tracking his phone. (which I never did...contemplated it many times, never did it) He said he needed them and could I give them to him... Huh? I told him I hadn't tracked his messages, and didn't have any. (he lies to me...I felt no guilt.) He wouldn't look at me, went back upstairs.

I'm thinking he wants to see what was sent to Mary. This may be all about buttering me up to get what he wants. To make things right between him and Mary again.

This is not about me at all.

Last night I stood my ground in a pretty strong way. He groaned, he swore he'd never lie again, he'd be good.

My answer:
Why would I believe a liar, a consummate liar, when they swear never to lie again?

He had to pause himself...

I told him it was over, I was done and wanted out. In those words. No mincing words.

Chain Yanking

This morning Nabal was so very self deprecating. Can't do anything right. He tries and tries and everything always backfires. He could tell I didn't want to deal with him so he was moving to the rental property. I told him I agreed. (I should have offered to pack footer him)

Later he offered coffee and to go out for breakfast for me.

10 hours later:
Hi baby, I called you. He had not.
Give me a little kiss hello. No
Are you hungry, can we go eat?
I'm not hungry.
Can we go out to dinner tonight?
.....

Can we take a nap?
You can take a nap, I'm not tired.
No, us. I want to sleep with you.
No.

What happened to the moving out?! Its like living in a video loop that always starts at the same place...with alternate scenarios.

I can see this is the same, though in reverse, game he has been playing for years. In past he'd call happy and walk in displeased with everything and everybody.

I can't count how many times I've mentally celebrated. The weight lifts. He's giving up, letting me free. Finally! These days it only lasts for a split second. Then I remind myself...he's only yanking my chain. He's just trying to wear me down.

Why would you want someone who gives in, not because they love you, but because they just get tired of it all, simply give up.

I guess that's the difference between abuse and the rest of the world. And I know there are even non abusive men and women (I guess) who try to wear their 'loves' down. Why? If it's not mutual...let it go! 

5:00
Nabal comes in with a big bag of papusas.
Come on let's eat.
I'm really not hungry.
Just eat some with me.
I'm not hungry, I don't want any.
Why are you always so mean to me mama?
I'm not mean, I said I wasn't hungry. You kept on. I'm not going to stuff my face just to make you happy.
Well come upstairs while I eat.
(I did not)

Any subject leads back to...

More cold and snow?
Yes.
We should be sleeping together.
(my eyes roll like googly eyes. So sick of the same exchange said 100 different ways.)

Tonight we need to go out and do something.

Drunken Plumbing

Not a martial arts form! But when upper dreams involve dropping water...do wake up.

Nabal, drinking again, lamented that the outdoor spigots were frozen- because he uses them year round, but not when it's this cold. Turned hiss mind to water. One of the kids mentioned that the waster wasn't holding hot for their shower. And Nabal complained of the pressure.

The basement had a raindrop head, not a regular shower head. This I explained wasn't meant for big pressure.

He said something about turning it off while replacing the gas stove. He opened the water pressure and turned the heat on the water heater up to hot from a mistaken warm setting.

Now running the shower to take pressure off the emergency escape valve on the heater. Turned the tank down to human temps instead of sanitize, and backed off the water pressure. Threw down some sheets for the water...I'll wash them I'm three light of day.

He says he lost his glasses...not prescription glasses- readers. He's going to blame this, on that.

The fun never ends!

Nabal's response: Every time I try to do something nice...I f*ck up. So f* it!

Victim even to himself...

Business as Usual

Nabal is back to drinking...

You've got beautiful hands. Are they my hands?

No, you have hands, these are my hands.

Can I have a lil hug? (didn't answer) Will I ever get a kiss from you again?

I doubt that seriously.

You never liked me. You never kissed me.

May I say this is the man I would, for over half our marriage, ask for a kiss goodbye when he left in the morning. I admit I did try to, gently teach him, not to lick my face but kiss more like a grown man... 20 years...the lesson never took, I gave up.

Why won't you be my wife again? Is there another man?

No.

Because I'm such a bad man?

Here we go again...

Puzzle Pieces

Today...today. Nabal was trying to overdo. He was solicitous to a fault. Did I want this, did I want that. He would make anything I wanted. Nabal has never been that way. He's trying to curry favor. I'm in the position that if I accept anything...I'd hear a litany of the things he did for me. Things I don't appreciate. Oh gosh! My mother played that game! She'd go buy something, something I didn't like. Them she'd go through how much time she'd spent looking, and I didn't appreciate it. I'd tell her I appreciated her looking...I just didn't like the item. Most of the time I would... Guilt trip!

Sorry for the side trip.

I stood my ground. Told him there was no future for us. His only answer was: but, I love you. I stopped drinking nd I won't drink anymore. It made my brain sick.

I'm going to dissect this. His drinking started in earnest about 7 years ago, and it has steadily exhilarated. 7 years...no wonder I'm tired of all this. He has just blamed any and all unsavory actions on alcohol. Dubbed it a sickness. Now he's absolved! His actions have saddened him. Saddened him?! How much more the children and I! And his controlling behavior predates the heavy drinking.

I'm unforgiving, yet he was still throwing 20 year old lies in my face. All throughout our marriage he brought up the same old crap. He would go back to before we were dating...

But I love you...

This was always his cure all. Whenever he blew he'd come around with: That's ok...I still love you. Yup, it was ringing hollow even then, but I was in a bad frame of mind...

His problem? Its not working like it used to. He almost lost it today...because it wasn't working. He tried to say he didn't know why feared talking to me and speaking his mind. Bingo! Mr. Bancroft's victim personality!

I've kicked the bottle for a week, got religion and said, "I love you." Come to papa!

"Can we go to marriage counseling?" "No." "Can we go talk to you pastor Chad?" "Sure!" (My pastor has heard the whole and seen 14 years of damaged goods come in his church and sing by his side. Yeah we can talk to him. He knows the worse stuff already.) I think Nabal picked up on that and followed up with- "Can we have a family meeting? You, me and the kids." "Yeah sure."

I'm assuming he'll forget, but what does he think the kids are going to say? Some days I think they are more sick of this than I am. In the past 2 years they have seen more than I have. He can't believe we'll all forget. Well...I guess he can. I think he's hoping to hold something over one or both their heads so they'll agree with him. Like we can vote on thus crazy crap and he'll have me back home, not working, and under his thumb. No!

Thursday

And now he's around singing his sad sack love songs. The ones drunks sing in Mexico.

Coming downstairs trying to do the hand and foot wait on thing. Coffee, another blanket, food. Can we eat lunch.

Then, can I have a hug? Can I have a kiss? Him leaning over to kiss my forehead because I can't move out of the way. My arm is up blocking him access. "Oh mama, but I love you!" Personal space, and not taking no for an answer. Should I take a shower? You just don't care about me anymore?

Analyzing this turn of crazy last night... Did he really assume his gratification would be immediate of ever? What grown up would ever expect such? I heard his boots hit the floor, he didn't sound pleased. He's going to use sugar, until he realizes I'm not giving in. Then I believe he'll turn mean. Big letdown for his immature brain.

He's up there singing away. Light hearted and gay...comes down all smiles and leaves downcast. Oh boy...bumpy bumpy ride.

Back down- So I can't come visit you? No. You just don't want me any more? I finally just put it back where it belongs- You've made it pretty clear you have your own life; so I've moved on with mine.

Nabal: So there's nothing we can do?
Me: No.
Nabal: Can we still go to lunch?
Me: Fine.

Did I make a mistake...? Our girl is accompanying, so maybe that'll offset it seeming like a 'date.' This is what I want, but it's darn scary.

Wednesday

I got a two day/night reprieve with all the snow. All my coworkers thought I should stay. I knew I had to come back. I like seeing my kids the most, but I knew I had to come back to stand my ground and say no.

Nabal has not been drinking for a week. Except for his Nyquil... He's had an epiphany- alcohol messes up your mind. He looked at me aghast- he had no idea! Seriously?! His mom had been an alcoholic for years and his uncle died from it. Oh, he knew. (Oh! But it wasn't him...it was the alcohol. So can't blame him personally.)

Why am I mad at him? Not mad, don't care. Why don't I forgive him? (he thinks forgive equals forget and immediate sex and cuddle) I forgave him ages ago, for my sanity. Its the only way I could relinquish any shred of involvement in his drama.

He wants to come visit me at work. What do people do there? Can you show me around? If I come up will you talk to me? Then we can sleep together, right? I can find it you know. Who lives in the house with you? Is the lady married? The kids know where you work.

Told him there was an extra room. His reply: No,I want to sleep with you. My reply: No. Nabal: Why? Why can't you forgive me?

One week does not make a sober man. Abuser 101- They will want you to forgive them on their time schedule. Better yet, forget.

He's not taking no for an answer... He's sitting here like a wounded child: I feel bad mama. Please, please. I love you. (so dang sick of hearing that! Like it'll make everything, all these years better...) Come sleep upstairs. I'm gonna put a ring on your finger. Your hands look like a 16 year old's. How do you do that? You're pretty.

Just before he went to his room, he came half way down the steps. "Do you have another man?"

How many f*ing years, how many women, how many head games? And he has the damn nerve to assume there's another man! The man who messed us up...is the one and only Nabal. Oh, but he won't go there.

He asked if I would do lunch with him tomorrow. Dropped the topic of his churches Bible study into conversation. Asked me something...I was not really paying attention to be honest. Then strongly, but kindly...reminded me I was his wife, and therefore should care about everything concerning him.

Then he tried to 'tell' on the kids. Under age drinking... Up till this week he would encourage them all to drink with him and supply them. I'm not happy about Amy of it, but it was the elder, who is of age.

The reason he told: Nabal called the elder into his room and asked about the text war with Mary from his phone. Good gravy, while he was passed out, it was a group effort of about 6 young folks. They all knew it was his girlfriend. As I said before- our kids were pissed about his Christmas spending spree on her and her family. Asked why it was done... (throwing up my hands) A true piece of work.

What else has Nabal been up to this week? He asked our girl for spelling help. As she passed she looked over his shoulder- texting Mary.

Nabal's Fantasy:
I would find out he was a week sober, realized his errors, cried and went back to church, then swoon onto his bed...naked. The children would be toddlers again, and I'd have dinner hot whenever he decided to show up...from Mary's house. Isela would leave her husband and very good job- he'd put her up in a house where he'd go for tacos. (the end)

Wonder what they ended up doing for Valentines Day...? I knew his bank account would salve her hurts.

I'm out. Not going back into this crazy mess of a marriage. My prediction: He'll go back to drinking, then blame me and my unforgiving ways for pushing him to it.

What gets me is that now the alcohol was the only problem... Let's forget about all the emotional abuse, there for years. Let's forget the threats to leave that have been there since the kids were babies. Let's forget he told me he was leaving for another woman. (not my fault the deal fell thought on all of them) Let's forget he told my kids he was going to get them a new pretty mommy. Let's forget everything and say it was alcohol and start afresh. BS!

Just thinking of all the recent conversations he's had with Mary, early and mid day, stone cold sober. Who are we blaming that on?

I believe he got so drunk and so high that he got very sick behind it and scared himself. He's also afraid the kids told on him. He's a shiny new penny...ready to be forgiven and embraced. Lord, don't forget the embrace!

He's a sham. He's trying the bait and switch. Not working. He's always a lie in progress.

Another man... I am and have been ready to move on. Mentally I'm history, like this relationship. I know I'll be alone once I get away from this frecockted mess...but I'd like to, hope to run into a nice man. Someone who won't play mind games. Someone who I can trust. Someone I can share life with. Long shot, but alone is better than here.

Sunday

Valentines Day... I got text bombed.

Nabal says he's:
Stupid, confused, won't ever drink again, thinks alcohol makes his brain sick, cries sometimes thinking of the things he as done, wishes we could be together.

Yup, he's Mary-less on Valentines.

It dawned on me, he wanted me to call so he could either tell the kids...friends...that I called because I love him. The exact same thing he did a few weeks ago when I finally called him. When we got off the phone he told our daughter that I told him that I loved him. She told me because she was pretty sure I indeed had not. (probably checking to make sure I hadn't finally lost my mind)

It was so very cold today that I pulled out and wore my old winter pants I had when I worked outdoors. They are slightly ragged and stained, but a dang good brand. They were not tattered when I was stopped working. Nabal got hold of them years ago and I found them in his truck. When I asked him why he hadn't bought his own he replied that I'd never work again, thus never need them again. Heck, it's still cold and I can wear them work or no. I hid them for a few years.

Why did I do such a thing? Nabal gave away or 'used' most of my work tools. I'd notice when I went to look for them to fix something around the house. He would give me the same answer. I didn't need them because I wasn't working. How dare he?! These were my tools. I work around the house. If I wanted to keep them till I'm old and toothless....that's my business and right! I'd buy new tools, and he'd 'need' them eventually. I wouldn't know until I again needed to use them. Yup, part of the game.

Thursday

And today Nabal wants it's to work on our relationship... Not let all we have go. We could do so much good together. Pull it back together for the kids...to make them happy. I'm his world. He'll never drink or do anything bad again. Can we get together and talk.

No. Never again. No.

Nabal pleads... You think about it, ok. I need you.

I read an article last week about love bombing. What narcissist do when they notice you are slipping beyond their reach. It really rang true.

This relationship is dead. Been dead for years now. The body of it has been mutilated beyond recognition. All it needs is buried...because it's been stinking up the place for a long time.

Wednesday

Last night Nabal comes racing downstairs babbling about the kids behavior... I was asleep. Just as fast he runs back upstairs and jumps on his bed... His oil stained bed. Needless to say his foray into deflecting anything they may say...wasn't planned well, and he realized it. He had no clue pictures were taken.

Tonight, he came downstairs. He has a bandage below his lip... The kids say it's a wart. (kissing frogs...)

He asked was I working this weekend. He asks am going to celebrate the holiday. Holiday...? Valentines day. (my best work week since Christmas!) I'm working. Nabal says we should this year. I chuckled to myself. He never made any effort whatsoever, except to remind me to book a hotel room... Never even brought anything to said room, except himself... He said we should start now...never too late you know...wink, wink. I gave him a flat no. No misunderstanding.

Nabal: Why don't you want me anymore?

He was sober, but hell, anything I say he denies. I think even if i had video...he's try to spin it. He just denies and leaves the burden of proof for me... Or...he gets righteous and 'explains' to me that everyone has problems in life. He's changed. I really need to get over it...and myself.

He asked me if many people have the flu. You know, like he does. He feels horrible and no matter How much Nyquil he takes...he can't seem to sleep.

If I brought up the weekend...he'd deny any link. Alcohol doesn't cause physical issues...

Nabal: Well, I'm going to sleep. Gimme un little hug.
Me: Nope.
Nabal: I'm gonna fight to get you back. I'm gonna fight real hard.

And off he goes. Why oh why would anyone not see? Why oh why wouldn't he just move along? Where he's from the women always always forgive and forget. No matter how many times the slimes go on drunken binges, get caught with other women, etc. He just can't fathom how I won't some day be able to resist his charms.

One of the best pieces of advice I've gleaned from Lundy Bancroft's writings- keep a diary! This is it. Right here. This body of work. My diary, because once they perceive enough water had run under that bridge...they will deny it all. Tell you you're making a mountain out of a mole hill and you need to calm down. Portray it as a weakness in you that allows for your hurt feelings. Deny, deny, deny. And when caught...chuckle and run off to resume at a later date. Mind game 101.

Now he's the poor victim of mean old, hard ass, thoughtless, heartless...me. He told me not long ago I was mean. Told me I was too hard on him. I'm the only thing standing between our romance... Hogwash!

I'm mean because I won't let him do what he wants to do. Why won't he just go! He wants a new girl to step right into a relationship with...plain and simple. When he thought he had that...he was gone. Well, either that or he wanted to beat me down so that I would be more than willing to quietly let him have his dalliances as long as I got to keep him...not in my play book.

The thing is he's crossed the line so much...they put up a toll booth. I can taste freedom! I'm moving past tired...it has become ridiculous.

Poor Poor Nabal

Nabal admits he feels physically bad. Oh! The flu came back on him. Did he ever have the flu...? Nabal hasn't eaten in 3 days. (according to Nabal)

Housekeeping
Things teens should never have to know about a parent:
Nabal cruises bars and clubs looking for hookers. Then takes then to hotels.

The Weekend...Drama

Nabal...Nabal this weekend severed any last grain of respect his children had for him. At this time Nabal isn't speaking to either of them...

I'm quite sure he has conspired in his mind to lay all the blame on then.

Saturday:
It seems Nabal started his drinking around 9 in the morning, by 9 that night- enter his and my son and daughter. They were not alone, but were with friends. Some, have known Nabal since they were children, some were new friends. They all got a taste of drunken, foul racist language...

Nabal was drinking with Mike (the poor guy in the drug and alcohol rehab house across the street.), and Pablo and his brother. Nabal got in his 'fight' mood. He got in some sort of argument with Mike. Nabal hit him and knocked him down.

I forgot to mention they were drinking in the kitchen. Also this was the first good weather we've had in ages...and he wasn't working, but drinking the day away.

Our boy had already broken up other arguments and took Nabal to his room trying to get him to go to bed. Nabal returned each time.

Somewhere in all this the large container of oil, from Nabal's botched restaurant fiasco, was spoiling on the floor. The new ceramic floor. Nabal was an oily mess.

Nabal finally crawled back to the kitchen...too drunk to walk. Shortly after, argued with Pablo's brother and tried to choke him. Yes, choke him... Our boy once again came in and hauled Nabal off the man. They both went down in the blasted oil. There now being over an inch of it on the floor.

Nabal then tried to fight his son... Our boy got himself free and left the crazy scene. Nabal evidently spent quite a lot of time struggling to stand. Enter our girl- she spent some time chastising her father for his outrages behavior. Nabal's reply? "Your brother started it and made this mess." Our girl wasn't having it. She'd just heard her father say nasty, foul, and racist things to young people who had grown up looking up to her father. All of these kids were trying to help him. Help him not make an ass of himself. My girl berated him to embarrassment. I told her not to be taken in...don't let him make himself you're responsibility.

Nabal struggled to get off the floor, all the while saying he wanted to fight. He was in the fighting mood... Some one or two of the young people helped him up onto one of the kitchen stools. The kitchen stool which he later slid off of and onto the stove. Our girl saw him about to set himself on fire...by accident. Nabal, covered in oil from head to toe had inadvertently turned a burner on as he hung on the stove...passed out. He got back on the stool still refusing sleep and wanting a fight.

Later they came in to find Nabal passed out, stretched out in the middle of the kitchen floor. He wasn't breathing... Our boy nudged him and he inhaled sharply and took a breath. They all think he fell of the stool, hit his head on his newly laid tile floor- and knocked himself out. The young men carried him to his bed.

Next morning Nabal heard footsteps and in a pitiful voice called our boy. It was poor girl. Nabal wanted 3 oranges and water. She brought them. He didn't even have strength to lift the oranges... He hasn't spoken to them since.

Well...maybe his not talking to them has more to do with Mary. Nabal behaved so very badly that the kids got hold of his phone and decided to have a little conversation with her. Needless to say...it wasn't pretty. He was immediately unfriended by her on FB.

The next morning, once he got himself together...he was seen leaving her neighborhood... I'm sure his bank account will patch things up for her and between them. The kids took a picture of Nabal stretched out on the floor. I had to ask if he was still alive... My girl thought honestly that he had had alcohol poisoning.

Yeah, it's all got to end soon.

Tuesday

Was talking to my son tonight... Nabal, while drink, told him Mary's son knows him. (my son) He said he didn't think the boy likes him.

My son had a friend tail the woman to see who the young man is... 

Lawyer lawyer here I come.

Tonight we, boy, Nabal and I went out to dinner. Well Nabal came very late. He didn't answer so we ordered. Nabal got his food after we finished. He nibbled some of the boy's. Ate two mouthfuls and had a green look on his face and kept running to the bathroom. He took his food home.

Nabal comes downstairs and, oh, just in conversation says: can I sleep with you tonight?

Thursday

Got a report today that Nabal may have accompanied Ms. Mary to her sister's New Years Eve party. Where the sister was so upset by her date...they had to leave.

Why? The sister doesn't like how controlling the guy is. Tries to tell Mary what to wear. Who she should be friends with. Where she should go and checking in... Plenty in this town. I noticed from the start Nabal was treating Ms. Sims in a way more controlling way then he every did me. The way he seems to be attempting to head with me...if I'd just come back. I'll need to verify this somehow.

Stumbled onto this information by running into an old friend at the grocery store.

Wednesday Night...

I am: confused, frustrated, fearful, getting angry, see no safe way out.

Nabal wanted me to bring home a 12 pack. He could hardly stand already when I got home...sans beer.

Another 30 odd minutes of his ramblings recorded.

Highlights:

Little lady I'm never going to let you get away from me.

I cried all day for you.

Come back and be my wife...and do everything I tell you to do.

You're my king. King? No, you're my queen.

You need to quit your job and stay here. I'm going to be strict on you when I get you back. Very strict. I'm going to make you do whatever I want then.

You let me down, that's why I'm like this.

I never did anything wrong

Those other women...they acted like I was their daddy.

(Umm what other ladies? You never did anything wrong...right?)

So you're never going to forgive me what I did wrong?
Me: And what did you do?
Nabal: Whatever I did wrong.

We are married for f**ing ever.

I want us to die together. I want to die in your arms.

I don't want sex anymore.

(then came back downstairs and bugged me to sleep with him. Until he fell asleep standing up.)

I need help big time. I feel hopeless at this point. Just getting tired.

Wednesday

I've taken to staying over on Monday nights. Just one more day without Nabal. I'm getting so very frustrated with the while situation. I'm finally getting as frustrated add everyone around me...no one gets why. People I work with. Friends who keep their distance.

I called to answer Nabal's numerous text and calls. Yes I was on my way...

Today my daughter told me after her got off the phone he turned to her and said, "Mommy says she loves me! She can't wait to see me."

My daughter was pretty dang sure I had said no such thing...

So...why would Nabal say that?

Yesterday Nabal tried to play 20 questions. What was I doing on my phone? Howe long did I drive today?

What was I writing? I was purposefully vague- directions. Where and when are you going? He tried to be light and cheerful. I asked him to repeat himself. He kinda deflated when I informed him it was knitting directions for a project... He smiled, played it off and left.

20 questions for Nabal equals control. He played that crap with Mary and to a lesser extent me through the years. No, not going backwards or back.

I've also realized I need to stop shipping coming home a day late... He's getting more insistent. Trying harder.

Cheap Words

The other day Nabal was on his mantra: I love you. Every other word.

I always blow it off. So easily said, not so easily played out in real time. He asked if I didn't believe that he did. I probably snorted.

It just struck me, that and rereading Lundy Bancroft's book this weekend. I get annoyed when he tries to tell me what I'm feeling or thinking. I don't have the right to tell him what he feels or thinks he feels.

From him, to me, they have become cheap words. I've seen him text the same words to three other women...simultaneously! Might I say a dime a dozen. Cheap discount words with the only intent to get him laid. He repeats it ad nauseum, like a charm, a hex, a talisman. This when pretty much everything that exudes from his mouth is liable to be an untruth.

Maybe it's not that he's per se lying...perhaps we just have dissimilar definitions of the phrase.

Busted Deacon

I already related how Nabal finished his days as a church deacon when sometime finally told on him.

I was just thinking about that when a detail came to mind.

Nabal said he had gone to the neighborhood where the guy lived looking for him...to beat him up...but the guy ran away. Lets break this down.

The most reverent church deacon, who enjoyed the deference paid to him by the flock. (of course after the pastor.) He prayed over these people. The deacon who in the end was the antipathy of any description of a deacon in the Bible. The deacon whom most of Proverbs speaks against most of what he does. Went looking for a man who told the pastor about his uncouth, bad even by non church folk standards behavior. (unless he was actually in church!) To beat the man up? Do I need too say more? Then accuse the man of lying...when all the time he spoke the truth.

Yes this its called remorseless.

Wednesday Revelation

I just put together that Nabal is sweet, just trying to work on this marriage and please this woman during the day.

He only turns insistent and ugly once he's had a drink or two.

There's a method there...I can almost grasp it. It'll come to me by and by.

Still Tuesday

Nabal its now very drunk. The upside is I recorded 30 minutes of his crazy fluctuating talk trying to get sex.  He says one thing, says something completely different a few minutes later, then changes again the next few minutes. His fault, my fault, her never did anything wrong, he's sorry for all the wrong, he forgives me for all my wrong. And there you have it. Or rather I have it all recorded.

Ha! I found out tonight he did have someone tell what he did to his church. The guy who had quit drinking and Nabal made the man his project to get him drinking again. The man was going to church. Nabal claims the guy had some designs on the lady pastor, and the only reason the guy told on him was to make points with the lady. Then with the same breath Nabal says the man told lies to the woman. You know: he was drinking and smoking with everyone he brought to church. He was a bad witness and influence. Lies?

Now the guy is in dire straights and needs money. He asked Nabal. Nabal asked me if he should give the man the money regardless of the 'lies' he told. I asked him what was the lie. Nabal replied that well it wasn't exactly a lie, just that the reason the guy told was to get in with the woman.

This will explain a text I saw from her... The lady pastor asked him why he had been telling lies about her.  Oh the plot thickens...

Nabal claims that its when he stopped going to church. The woman asked him about his behavior and he confessed.

Oh to hear the truth of what went down. He just never tells the truth...at all. I had wondered what lies he told. Didn't even try to figure it out. Just filled it.

He said that he was going to take the high road and give the man the money. He didn't use the high road language...but that was the jist.

I just realized Nabal does a lot of forgiving of other people for things he did and and/or lied about. So, in essence is he forgiving himself...?

My fortune cookie tonight: Don't mistake temptation for opportunity.

Well, ok.

Nabal asked was I losing weight. Am I ok? It looks to him like I'm losing weight. Nabal: I don't want you to lose weight. Alrighty then...

Nabal: why is you're skin so soft? Its because you married me. (he smiled proudly) You married the little chihuahua and your skin became to be soft. (Yup, his words exactly)

Seriously? I'm through...good night!

Tuesday

Nabal: Chickie chickie chiquita! Love you. Love you so much. Well?

Me: There's just been to much crap and I don't care.

Nabal: I haven't done any crap. (as he runs back up the stairs)

I know I was blunt. I have to make sure there its no misunderstanding. I know for fact his phone action, though I do believe he and Mary are probably on outs since she won't put out. (after all the money he spent...tsk tsk tsk)

And he's back...

Nabal: You are mistaking my friends for girlfriends.

Oh yeah all a mistake... Doesn't every male friend all their women friends to become pregnant by them? General friend conversation in platonic relationships about eating said young lady.... Oh yeah...my mistake.

Thus is why I have to be blunt- He asks about three birth order of the kids cousin. I tell him.

Nabal: Come on baby, come talk to me upstairs.

Me: No.

Nabal: You just don't want to talk to me.

Me: Nope.

He refuses to deal. Pretend and attack afresh. Be pitiful. Any civility on my part is seen as a chink in my armor...

Trembling

I've decided to definitely see a lawyer... My anxiety level just skyrocketed. I feel weepy. Shaky. Sad. I don't believe it's because I'm sad over the marriage gone bad. That happened years ago..many lies ago. I'm fearful of the outcome. I'm fearful of what Nabal will do to keep his reality a reality.

He's, and I believe he really is believing his own stories, trying to make me feel responsible for him. If he's hurt he wants me to heal him instead of going to the doctor. If I give up my job and run his company- we could be wealthy. We could rule the world. When I do this..it's highly possible that he will see me a destroying 'his' world. How desperate will that make him? Would he, could he get to: If he can't use me...no one will. If I'm useless to him...I have no other reason to breath air. Would he rather 'we' die together?

I'm scared out of my wits...but this has all dragged out far too long.

I know practically for fact that if Mary or any if these other women really did more than talk; allowed him to 'make' sex with them. He'd be gone without a trace. I can only believe what I've already seen. When he thought one would give in...he told me he was leaving because he had better places to be.

Of course he may have been trying to tame my independence since he believes it's his right to have as many women as he chooses...while keeping a wife at home. (after all his uncle did)

Wednesday

I just told a girlfriend that I want out so bad I can taste it.

Came in yesterday to the all new and improved Nabal. (and Mr. Hyde will be back in...5, 4, 3, 2, 1)

Nabal was washed and in clean clothes, said he'd been to church. Oh, and he's not been able to work all week with the low temps. That's why he's clean. He was in his fourth or fifth Corona...

All day today I saw him very little. Yay! When he did come down...he would touch me. Not threateningly per se, but in purposeful taking liberties, ownership fashion... Then go away looking down trodden when I pulled out of his reach.

This evening same crap. I'm so pretty. I want you. Cierro... (accompanied by boyish looks) Take me back. Come be my wife once again. I was crazy, didn't know what I was doing. This time I'll be nice.

This is all the same I have seen him write recently to 3 different women. One new one I found, with a Kentucky number, who was at that moment in Texas for the holidays, had to remind him he was married. He was making promises wanting her to relocate with him...etc. They converse in Spanish.

Ahh now I see. He's making another push to visit his family in Mexico... Flat out told him no. Not interested. He asked if I didn't care for them anymore? Grrrr.

How many years has it been? He's thinking he's pretty slick these days keeping his dirt hidden. (if I divulge what I know...he would hide it all.) His actions killed any shred of anything in me for him years ago. He suggested many times we divorce. I agreed. He'd come back later to 'reassure' me he wasn't going anywhere... Reassure me? I could breath again every time I thought he was going! His ongoing affairs with Mary and Isela. The drinking and drugging in front of the kids. His behavior when he had a piece of money... Treated me like trash. The way he treated our boy...and lied about it. Never did anything in front of me. The subtle way he had treated or girl, trying to undermine her self esteem. Nothing. Left. But he continues to try to reinvent reality. Wants his cake...yada...you know.

Now? He needs me to uphold whatever lie he's told his family. Then he keeps offering me food. No I really don't like to eat what he's prepared, and neither do the kids. We don't trust him. We've all at various times seem him drop food on the floor (lots of it) and use it without rinsing... Seen him rub cooked food on his crotch and put it on a plate for me. (that to the guffaws of his drinking buddies) Had him put beer in the children's food...after it was cooked! Be my guest...anyone else can eat what he fixes, but not me.

So he's offering food, drink and cookies... No thank you. "You're my wife. You seem to forget that." And we're back to that... Oh trust me, we never really left. He tries the honey approach since I'm no longer moved nor do I flinch when he tries to be domineering.

I was drinking water. "What are you drinking?" I replied, water. "tequila?" "You need to drink tequila! You'd be better if you drank tequila. We need to go out and drink a lot." "Come sleep with me." (also see- be my wife again. Same meaning)

I have never been a sloppy drunk... Why do drunks want everyone around them to drink like they do? Oh yeah, makes them feel better. No, feel superior.

I can almost taste it.

Really just fed up... He sees it as his rights as a man to have a wife and girlfriends... And such a glib liar he is. I told him I figured Mary would be up for a to Mexico. I almost let slip, tell her you'll buy jewelery. Not ready to tip my hand quite yet. "There are no other girlfriends." Laughs. If he could find one to do his bidding...he'd be history quick.

I think Mary is quite talented at getting large sums of money and presents out of men and actually never giving much in return... Something tells me they really never have done anything beyond maybe kissing and petting... Gosh...all they need is acne! But...I'm a person manipulated in past by a talented liar. Still don't fully trust myself if judgments... I assume must people these days are lying to one degree or another. I hate living like this... In past, everyone was innocent until I saw different. Now I go from start assuming lies and looking for them. Even with old friends... My mind is still so tangled behind all this crap. Will I live long enough to get back to normal? Some days I feel I'll never get that chance.

Tuesday

Nabal ramblings:

When are you going to be my wife again? I'm hungry- cook me something then we can sleep together.

Come back to my, your, bed. Thus time I'll be really nice.

Want to go to Mexico in March?
Me: No.

Oh, what, now you're making money your better than us? Your better than your family? You separate yourself from us.

(He got crickets... Why the heck answer a manipulator looking for a toe hold?)

Thursday

Just crazy crap...
Nabal: Be my lady one more time.
Nabal: