Wednesday

I got a two day/night reprieve with all the snow. All my coworkers thought I should stay. I knew I had to come back. I like seeing my kids the most, but I knew I had to come back to stand my ground and say no.

Nabal has not been drinking for a week. Except for his Nyquil... He's had an epiphany- alcohol messes up your mind. He looked at me aghast- he had no idea! Seriously?! His mom had been an alcoholic for years and his uncle died from it. Oh, he knew. (Oh! But it wasn't him...it was the alcohol. So can't blame him personally.)

Why am I mad at him? Not mad, don't care. Why don't I forgive him? (he thinks forgive equals forget and immediate sex and cuddle) I forgave him ages ago, for my sanity. Its the only way I could relinquish any shred of involvement in his drama.

He wants to come visit me at work. What do people do there? Can you show me around? If I come up will you talk to me? Then we can sleep together, right? I can find it you know. Who lives in the house with you? Is the lady married? The kids know where you work.

Told him there was an extra room. His reply: No,I want to sleep with you. My reply: No. Nabal: Why? Why can't you forgive me?

One week does not make a sober man. Abuser 101- They will want you to forgive them on their time schedule. Better yet, forget.

He's not taking no for an answer... He's sitting here like a wounded child: I feel bad mama. Please, please. I love you. (so dang sick of hearing that! Like it'll make everything, all these years better...) Come sleep upstairs. I'm gonna put a ring on your finger. Your hands look like a 16 year old's. How do you do that? You're pretty.

Just before he went to his room, he came half way down the steps. "Do you have another man?"

How many f*ing years, how many women, how many head games? And he has the damn nerve to assume there's another man! The man who messed us up...is the one and only Nabal. Oh, but he won't go there.

He asked if I would do lunch with him tomorrow. Dropped the topic of his churches Bible study into conversation. Asked me something...I was not really paying attention to be honest. Then strongly, but kindly...reminded me I was his wife, and therefore should care about everything concerning him.

Then he tried to 'tell' on the kids. Under age drinking... Up till this week he would encourage them all to drink with him and supply them. I'm not happy about Amy of it, but it was the elder, who is of age.

The reason he told: Nabal called the elder into his room and asked about the text war with Mary from his phone. Good gravy, while he was passed out, it was a group effort of about 6 young folks. They all knew it was his girlfriend. As I said before- our kids were pissed about his Christmas spending spree on her and her family. Asked why it was done... (throwing up my hands) A true piece of work.

What else has Nabal been up to this week? He asked our girl for spelling help. As she passed she looked over his shoulder- texting Mary.

Nabal's Fantasy:
I would find out he was a week sober, realized his errors, cried and went back to church, then swoon onto his bed...naked. The children would be toddlers again, and I'd have dinner hot whenever he decided to show up...from Mary's house. Isela would leave her husband and very good job- he'd put her up in a house where he'd go for tacos. (the end)

Wonder what they ended up doing for Valentines Day...? I knew his bank account would salve her hurts.

I'm out. Not going back into this crazy mess of a marriage. My prediction: He'll go back to drinking, then blame me and my unforgiving ways for pushing him to it.

What gets me is that now the alcohol was the only problem... Let's forget about all the emotional abuse, there for years. Let's forget the threats to leave that have been there since the kids were babies. Let's forget he told me he was leaving for another woman. (not my fault the deal fell thought on all of them) Let's forget he told my kids he was going to get them a new pretty mommy. Let's forget everything and say it was alcohol and start afresh. BS!

Just thinking of all the recent conversations he's had with Mary, early and mid day, stone cold sober. Who are we blaming that on?

I believe he got so drunk and so high that he got very sick behind it and scared himself. He's also afraid the kids told on him. He's a shiny new penny...ready to be forgiven and embraced. Lord, don't forget the embrace!

He's a sham. He's trying the bait and switch. Not working. He's always a lie in progress.

Another man... I am and have been ready to move on. Mentally I'm history, like this relationship. I know I'll be alone once I get away from this frecockted mess...but I'd like to, hope to run into a nice man. Someone who won't play mind games. Someone who I can trust. Someone I can share life with. Long shot, but alone is better than here.