December So Far... Monday

Oh gosh... where to begin. Nabal has been so far off the chain I haven't even felt like writing about the whole situation, but I guess I must.

Saturday night I had a virus of some sort as did our girl. Nabal cooked, thank you. Nabal offered beer, he'd bought a 24 pack, no thank you. Our boy is friends with 2 Iranian young men and they bring their hooka. Nabal went in and started eating the hooka tobacco, and swallowing it. Told the boys that when he was young they would eat it to get high. (thanks for sharing) He asked our girl why she was too skinny... (she is actually perfect size neither skinny nor fat) Asked her if she was doing something to stay skinny. (Was that implying she has an eating disorder?) He than told her she needed to drink beer to get her weight up... So, can everyone see the control thing, the abuse coming out here? Last time he said she would get fat because she ate too much. His MO- tear esteem down then show he loves you through your glaring imperfections. So you begin to isolate because he is telling you what others are thinking... What an abject jerk!! The same night Nabal got mad that our girl was in her brother's room talking to his friends. She has known many of them for years. He comes down saying the boys were talking about sucking and f@@@ing, and other 'nasty sh$$'. I defended the boys I can hear from the basement and her brother was present and I knew Nabal was lying. Then he got to what he wanted to do. "I'm going to throw that boy Erick out he's too old. I'm going to F$$k him up." Wow... Then he asks if a good Christian home has a girl talking to all those boys. Well, a good Christian home doesn't have a drunk wandering (stumbling) around telling kids how to get high, being obvious about his lady friends, and trying to mess with his daughter's head.

Caught a text from Ms. Mary last week: Hi...how are u? Are u goin to be nice to me?.... ;) Yeah he's been writing all over his facebook hellos to her, on pictures, in messages, on her wall. He left his FB open the other day. Looking at the history he spent a while looking through her pictures. Good!

Our girl had the opportunity to look at the whites of Nabal's eyes when wonder of wonders they were not red. She said they are yellow.

Nabal is very upset that one of the church sister's is divorcing her husband. His butt will be in a sling if they do... This is the brother who knows what Nabal does and thinks he should not be officiating over any service. Nabal caught him in exactly what the man's wife caught him at and the outcome was bribery and extortion, by Nabal. Wasn't it bad enough to say he'd tell the man's wife about porn if the guy told the church on him? Nooooo, he had to demand and take money too. So, if they divorce Nabal would have no hold over the guy. He's asking if that is any reason for the woman to divorce her husband. If it's something she doesn't want to deal with, then yes! I told him it was none of his business and stay out of it. He's going up there trying to be a counselor to her... He's not trying to serve God and save a marriage, he's trying to cover his a$$. Plain and simple.

He had the music people finally leave again. Last time he dragged them back. I asked why if people wanted to leave they felt compelled to drag everyone back, to guilt them back. Yes go talk to a person to see if there is something you can help with, but this is control.

Last week he got found a bottle of dinner wine I had in the downstairs fridge. He drank it all, won't be buying any more. He was working with power tools, put up crazy doors, blasted the stereo at 2 a.m. until I turned it down. Said the kids kept him up. Finally he fell down and couldn't get up. He passed out there on the basement floor and 2 and a half hours later he roused and went up stairs. All our boy's friends just laugh at the old drunk...

There's more... I just have to remember.

Monday

And it's only the beginning... So much to write, but I'm so sick of his antics it is a chore even to write. Tonight... I tried to give him his dinner at about 8 p.m. but he'd just come back in the house with his beer and didn't want to eat. 11:30 p.m. and he's ready to eat! I made bread, have cured ham slices, put them together with an egg fried with spinach and cheese. I had to make them as they were eaten. Came upstairs and he'd dumped some day old rice from a restaurant into the spinach. When I asked he immedietly blamed our girl. I'm just so tired of his lies to get out of any responsibility I snapped. He immedietly turned it all as a little joke that I'd blown up. Then he plays the victim... I'd embarassed him in front of the child. Then he starts asking something about Facebook sign on. Then innocently asked how I knew everything in his texts. Told him I didn't. After a while I told him that was a year ago and I don't check anymore. He asked why... Told him I just didnt care anymore. He asked why... I said why should I? Then he actually said, "Oh, you don't care about me anymore." He really can get to victim from anywhere...

So he really doesnt like his new pastor. Keeps saying she is bi-polar. Says with one breath she is stupid and immedietly has to correct because she really is very smart. She is very new to the country. He is so upset this week because everyone is leaving and he wants to bring them back. How? Who knows... Why? This is part of what worries me. If he won't let people leave a church without a fight with him, how am i going to get out of this crazy marriage? The guy who was preaching, Nabal found out some photos then later carries him back to church. Today he says he should, and has the right to kill him or kick his ass... Seems he loaned the guy $1,200 then kept loaning him more money. My guess is he's never paid a dime back. But still... nice church talk. He's talking about going to get people who left years ago... Finally the couple who do the music just left. He wondered why they didnt just say they wanted to leave. I said that the last time they tried you harassed them until they returned. Maybe they found out the truth. He blames the pastor because she wanted to buy their car but would have to make payments. all the while calling all of them stupid. Wrong heart..

Friday

Nabal has got to be 46 going on 16. Yesterday he came bustling in the house, not noticing our girl and 4 of her friends in the living room watching TV. He quickly tried to hide his beer... I've realized our house isn't a safe place for teens: Beer, and a bad example of it's use. Marijuana and drug paraphernalia left out all over the house when Nabal drinks too much, which is all the time. Lately it's been night time cold medicine. Our girl has many friends from school that use cold meds to get high. They can't come to our house. Nabal leaves it sit out all over the place. Kitchen counter, living room. Large bottles of the stuff he uses to sleep any night he's not drinking himself to sleep.

Wednesday

Work than church. Got home and the kids had a few friends over all sitting in the living room watching TV. Nabal wasn't home. Our boy took my truck out to take all the kids home. Nabal came in talking on the phone. He was speaking English and I wasn't paying any particular attention. Finally I heard something in his voice, that charm, the sound of a lie coming out. So I listened closer, then it dawned on me that with my car gone and me separating clothes and putting them in the machine which is quiet. He didn't know I was home. It wasn't until I heard his slightly slurred voice, "Well, I just call you to complain... Complain about someone I love so much. My wife (his voice drops) never answers my calls... I (something) a little lady." (giggle) I stopped listening I could hear he was giving whoever he was talking to advice. His voice changed no more lies. Wonder if he's pulling one of his ladies in with the old misunderstood act. Caught him 2 years telling Isela that he was being mistreated... He only half lied. Today he called while I was working. I called him as soon as I was done. He always does that. Will call when he knows I can't answer the phone so he can honestly say I didn't answer. I'm sure he's talking to Mary again. Saw he's writing hi on everything on Facebook, her wall, her photos. Folks new to FB really should be careful...

Tuesday

Nabal has been sort of low key lately. Today he was studying to teach at his church tonight... Our girl and two friends from school come in to watch TV. She calls me in and there next to Nabal's bible sat hit weed pipe and lighter. I just shook my head and left it. When Nabal was ready to leave he goes in to get his bible. Acting pretty prim and proper. Comes into the kitchen snickering then babbled something about I should get the thing off the table. I pretended ignorance. He may have overheard us talking. He leaves very early. I went downstairs to do some more laundry while I was cooing dinner. I heard the phone ring coming up the steps. "I've called 3 times!" Very annoyed. Told him I was in the basement. He says I need to go into the livingroom and put a rag or something over his pipe he left there, then hung up. I could see it all plainly then. He wanted me to go do something with it so those kids would think it belonged to me! Rotten man!

Wednesday

Nabal is in rare form... I have been had jobs and an interview this week which is putting me at 3 days of work then I'm free the rest of the week. Nabal very angrily decided to say, "Oh, so now you're working every day?" I missed his call this morning, and called him back. By the time he called back he's telling me that I never return calls. I'd just gotten my coffee and was still slow, He asks if I was still tired. (I'd had to wake at 3 a.m. to tell our boy to go to sleep, and the interview yesterday was hands on and I was drained from anxiety. Also I took our girl to the larger city about 45 minutes away to do some shopping since she had been trapped in the house for Monday and Tuesday since I was working. He wanted to know why I had to do that... He really does expect us to sit around until he's available. And that is each and every day! He gives some sound that says I don't have a right to be tired. For some reason I did say not tired just not up to speed yet. Sipping coffee. "Oh, I guess you're not a morning person?" Really? Have I ever been? He lectures me that our realtor sent me an email and I didn't answer. It's about a house he wants to buy. Really just wasting the lady's time... He tries to tell me it's about some client who wants to rent than at a later date buy our house in the county. Yesterday he had me send a proposal to a company. I tried like I always do to tell him it needed more detail. He made it sound like I was working too much to get his work done. I sent it with what he told me. An hour later he calls to give me their number, which I'd already tracked down and faxed the papers. Later in the afternoon he called that they needed more detail. I'd asked him to write it down in the first place. He seems to like me to take dictation... So he starts shooting off numbers and details and he knew I was driving. So, I told him and he got a little heated, said he didn't want the job anyway and hung up the phone. Back to this morning- I told him I had asked him to write it down. His counter was that he was waiting for me to get home so he could give it to me and I went to sleep... No matter what, here it is, step back- It's my fault! He doesn't bother to ask do I have a pen just starts spouting numbers and details. Yeah... I kept up. He gets this poor pitiful me voice going. Well, I guess if you are going to be working you don't have time to do things for me. I still have time for one. He just holds everything and needs them right away. I make up for his dragged feet. He always needs me to drop everything and do what he needs. No planning, no warning just urgency. Second, I've told him he needs someone to do his bookkeeping. It's the first trait that makes the second necessary. It's a way to make any short fall of his my fault and he wouldn't be able to do that with someone else. Thinking back, he never schedules people out. Other people have months of jobs, instead he tries to do everything at once and feels rushed. Then I get the brunt of his frustration.

Found out that the protege has been missing work. The latest particular day though was possibly Nabal's doing. The man came to our house the night before and Nabal went to his room than left to take the guy home. I only knew this because he used my truck. Said he needs to train someone else to lay bricks. Yesterday he asked our boy his times in and out of school to get the boy to pick his people up and ferry them to and from work.

Monday

Monday, Monday... the empty 40 bottles are flying into the trash. Home sweet hell. He called today while I was at a meeting. I called when I got out, he didn't answer. Whe I got home he was on the phone for a while, as usual. He points to the phone at his ear. I walk on by unlike him. If he sees me on the phone he makes a point of starting a conversation, or trying to get touchy feely. Last night he sees me on my phone and takes a seat to start a conversation about how to play the guitar. I finally got the nerve up and told him I was on the phone and he was being rude. He snickered and went back upstairs. Anyway... He tells me he was looking for our boy. He stayed over at his friends from Africa. Nabal asks as he always does these days. "Is that alright with you?" That's why he called me... The boy didn't live at home most of last year, and did better than he did before he left. I wil just be very happy when he turns 18 in April. Nabal was being, a barely veiled racist yesterday and the day before. Saturday he was drunk. Dumb me, with what I know of him I very quietly mentally chalked it up to drunkeness. Yesterday was Sunday and he was sober and was acting the same. He's said things way too many times for it to be a slip, or misunderstanding. He feels everyone is racist towards Mexicans because he is a racist. He has called me names and excused it as drunken babble which he is not responsible for at all. He just laughs and never apologizes when he's sober. I guess really there is no apology so why fake it. The kids hear this... wonder how it makes them feel?

I truly want to make sure we are not here for our boy to have to return to this area. Nabal is trying to buy another house.... We owe our a$$es in taxes. I have not acted as if I want to continue being married to him, much less move to a new location with him. He's looking way out in the country in other counties. I've told him he can do what he wants. I don't see really having to actually worry about it at this time, the money just isne there. I want out of this state, and not with him at all. Well... he told me he was taking a shower at least 2 times tonight. Then asks me is that ok. Like he is asking if I give my permission. He's a nut job. Like he's trying to make me take responsibility for him. Like a mother. I just don't get him. Maybe it's just his latest head game I am not getting. I need a therapist, half hour for me the second for them to explain to me what the hell Nabal is doing.

Sunday

He's asking can we go to dinner alone... Beating a dead horse. He's minimizing anything he did in the past years. Now it's his hard time, just a little drinking in which time he never was anything but loving. My fault for being 'angry' and non communicative...

A saying has been going around Facebook: "A relationship without TRUST is like a car without gas, you can stay in it all you want, but it won't go anywhere." A friend commented: "Not true! If you push it it'll go down..." That my friends is what Nabal is doing! And we are slipping fast!

Heard our boy talking to a friend after his game yesterday. "When my dad used to come to games all he wanted to see was me make a goal." (he plays defense and is a monster at it.) "When I tried to tell him I'm defense he would tell me to run past everyone and just take the ball and make a goal. I'd tell him that everyone had positions and he would say, 'Don't listen to the coaches. They don't know what they are talking about.' " Isn't Nabal great? Never happy, always wants something more. He gives the feeling that whatever you are doing you could do better if you only tried or would be smarter. Yet always walks around talking about how people don't think he's good enough. Probably because he's so critical himself of everyone else he figures everyone else is of him. That or it's just a game so he can keep everyone feeling small. Always made the kid think he needed to be better to play so he never tried out for bigger teams. Thought we were lying to him, being nice, funny, and thought Nabal was speaking the truth.

Late Saturday

Odd day... Nabal actually asked whether our boy had a soccer game, but never asked where... Highlight of his day was buying a new shop vac to replace the one that got stolen. He came home toasty than drank a 6 pack. I picked our boy up from work. We came in and our boy had an old friend in tow. He's a refugee from Africa. We've known him for about 10 years. He's finished school and working and getting himself into college. He was very polite to Nabal and Nabal gave him a very odd look and greeting. His racist look. Later he comes to the basement to shower and asks where our daughter was. I assumed in her room. He asks were the boys with our boy staying the night. Ihadnt really thought about it and said so. The young man stayed last night. Nabal asked why they had to stay here. I could only answer that they were visiting with our boy. He asks, "And that's ok with you?" Such a racist jerk! Our boy had a ton of hispanic boys over last year some had dropped out of school, most drank or smoked weed or did other drugs. They all crashed here. Nabal had no problem with any of them being around. He loved joking with them and asking about their parents, being the cool Mexican. Our girl and I looked at a movie. Nabal passed out on the sofa.

Friday

So, found out the truth today. The guy who got pulled over for DUI and got his friend's truck confiscated was Pablito. Nabal is wondering what's going to happen to him and he seems concerned. Seems this is his third arrest in said truck. I'm thinking he's going to visit the pokie! Again... Nabal was not happy. Funny how all of them worry more about the drunk than who they could hit and kill. Even as far as sneaking one out of the country who had killed a passenger. That was before we met, and found out after we married. They paid the family of the dead guy to bury him. To them it just seemed no more than the price you pay for living the good life.

Nabal was running around today kept saying, "Give me a kiss chiquita! Are you going to sleep with me tonight?" I plainly said no. He asks very innocently why... I know the saying, 'If you build it, they will come.' But, if you believe it it will be true is a wild stretch. What is it in these sort of men that makes them think they can convince us that nothing happened. Every time he tries to kiss me I turn my head or cringe from my hair down. He just laughs. I even tell him straight and he will not listen. Will not take me seriously at all. Last night again he was talking about buying another house. Us buying another house... What will we get one where I have my own bedroom....?

Thursday

Paying bills... Noticed that Nabal is still using his credit card. He's almost $300 over his limit, and that stupid outrank he signed up for is still deducting from him. I can't pay the whole amount down because there's never enough money. because he spends from both ends, but I have one job and am looking into another. Next month I should be on my way! to making ends meet and not using his money. Well, at first I'm going half to put a little away and take some continuing ed credits. As soon as I can I'm going for taking the whole thing on.

Wednesday

Went to church, came home and he's sitting in his truck he just got fixed blasting mariachi music. I heard the music in the house and thought it was coming from inside somewhere... He's all bummed, a friend got his second DUI and they are holding the truck in impound 30 days unless someone goes to court to petition a judge. A 30 day hold will cost a tad over a thousand dollars. He was genuinely upset. I say right on! These guys hit and kill people and they just don't care. Hit them where it hurts, their pockets. Just different values. They think it's funny to get caught and a little slap on the wrist. This really irritated Nabal. He sounded like he thought it was unfair. Entitlement, plain and simple.

Tuesday

I realized someone can deny a reality without ever coming out and saying that didn't happen. It's way more subtle than that. This evening I'm riding through the 'hood' at the end of our street. When I was almost to the main street I saw a familiar face on the other side of the street and realized it was Pablito, then realized it was Nabal in his truck. Since he changed trucks he doesn't stand out so well and by the time I looked back he took off. Pablito doesn't live there... odd... A while later Nabal calls, "Where you going?" Very cheerful. I asked, "Why?" he sputtered a little. "Why are you acting like this?" He sounded genuinely hurt. Almost. If I didn't live all this crazy junk we call life! I asked why he always had to know where I was going when he never told anyone where he was going? He out and out lied, "I always tell you where I'm going." I said, "Really? You never say where you're going. Didn't you say men don't have to say where they are going? If you said that then you do not always say where you are going." He laughed... Not loud, but a chuckle like you got me. Then preceded to sound hurt. Later he's running around talking in some childlike voice like he's talking to a baby. Get me on Facebook, plug this in. I got so mad. I was working up hours from a job I had. I told him plug it in yourself. He wouldn't and finally I did. "Why you get so mad?" he said in a little lost voice. I said the cord is right at my feet you could have done it yourself. He has come to sit right beside me. I think to annoy me. He said, "But you're closer." By what? A foot? I told him he just wanted me to do something for him he could do for himself. He saw me with the calculator saw me with books out. To me that says he wants me to drop whatever I'm doing because however unimportant whatever he wants done, it's more important than whatever I'm doing. Subtle. And double subtle by the lie about him doing just the opposite of what he in reality does. I'm catching on. If he pretends... That's his game. He was looking for the medicine for his legs. I told him he probably moved it when he was drinking and didn't remember. "I remember everything." Good, now he can be responsible for all his bad behavior. Oh, where was Pablito going? Our boy told me Nabal always drops him to pick up the weed. That boy is probably on his last strike. Nabal is such a good role model...

Late Monday

Some days I have to step way back to see what's reality and what's sham. After all that crap yesterday Nabal comes in from work very cheerful. Don't think he spoke to our girl tho. He usually now makes a big show of tracking her down and being gushy. "How's my baby girl?" Giving a hug. As I took our boy to help someone at the mall. Our girl was going to have some Halloween time with her beau's family. I got back home and Nabal wanted to know where she was. He's not as over the top as last night, but paying more attention. Fixed dinner and he'd already eaten. He asked for tea. When I was just finished fixing it he asked was I going to make it. He couuld hear. I said it was coming. He made a joke of it and said oh you didn't make it yet. He was pretending like he had to monitor me so I'd get it done. It sounds petty, but he does this a lot. He rarely remembers or does anything aside from his work yet he quizes me constantly. After that he was being Mr. Playful. He really doesn't seem to get that I'm done. I'm not playing the guess what mood I'm in from moment to moment anymore. I think that's the worse. He can talk and be happy, then enter the house and I would smile and say something nice only to have it met with anger and I'd be crushed. Never sure what to ecpect and it makes one meek. Walking on egg shells.

Monday

An eventful weekend... The first snow in October that I can remember, a freak Nor'easter. We got ice Friday night but not much. One 18 wheeler skidded off the road on the highway and a few fender benders. Our girl and I went over to my friend Julie's for the day Saturday. She lives about 45 minutes and 2 counties over. We went to an apple orchard that has different types of apples then we have around here. Then to the Mennonite store for some supplies for the winter, and to a good second hand store and picked up a few tops I can wear to work and some warm stylish sweat shirts for our girl. I really wanted her to go to get her out of town. I like her friends but she needs to get away because all friends get bored and then get into dumb trouble if they get bored, and there is nothing to do here for teen kids. Julie has kids and they all get along very well and she gets to talk about different things. We ended up getting a bushel of mixed type apples. Ran across a Black Twig apple said to over winter well. As usual I got tangled up in their roads leaving and wasted about 30 min. Our girl wanted to spend some time with her friends to celebrate her getting all complete on her work ahead of time. She attends a school that requires them to have all their work in and complete in order to pass the class. Absolutely no missing or partial work. I wasn't very happy because her friends all live out since Nabal lied about the district we live in, but our boy was close having dinner with friends and he was driving. I said I'll drop you and he'll pick you up when he's done. I figured she'd visit for an hour and he'd go get her and visit himself for another hour since he knows and likes them too.

We got home and Nabal was baked, laying on the living room sofa. He never stood up when we came in with bushel basket or bags. Normal. When we were ready to leave Nabal started questioning why our girl was going back out. I told him she was visiting friends and the boy would pick her up. He didn't hear or just wanted to argue and i lied... said they would join them for dinner. It was after hours, but our boy is very good friends with the owners and they let him in late and stay late because he practices his Chinese with them. As I was leaving the house Nabal says, "Why is she going out at 11?" It was 10:05, I looked at my watch and told him the time, he made some exasperated sound, we rushed out. I knew he wasn't going to be happy, he wants her in the house all the time. The other day he saw her with friends on our back patio and made some snarky comment. He is to me on a project to isolate her yet when he's really drunk and if Im not here he tries to get her to go out after 11. Why did I lie? I'd aggressively gotten her to go with me to just get out of town and see some new faces. She'd made plans and I told her she'd have enough time. I was I admit trying not to make her mad. Crazy what goes on when trying to protect your kids by yourself. Protect her from peer pressure and from her controlling drunken drugged out father. I'm trying to keep them from drugs and Nabal is blatantly doing his drugs and leaving them and the paraphernalia all over the house and yard. We'll get back to that.

Later he comes downstairs and says. "Why did you lie?" I took the low road and played his game. Told him I hadn't, he's always lying to my face and denying it. I know, two wrongs don't make a right. I just don't care I'm dealing with a crazy person. I am going to keep to the truth tho from now on, don't like lying and dealing with a crazy liar is no excuse to follow suit. I told the kids I lied and wasn't proud of it. I don't want them to see both of us doing it and finding it as an excuse for them to. It all went slightly wrong, as luck would have it. He's going on about our girl not coming in late ever again. I'd like to have a normal life, really I would. A lot of things I let go because home ain't much better. The kids she hangs with all have alcoholic and drug addicted parents too. They are a support group for each other, but a group that can get into trouble easily. Our boy had one of the big trucks and didn't want to go up the highway so he came all the way back home to get the smaller truck. (Nabal finally got the clutch fixed last week) That was a 17 year olds thinking... If he'd have told me, I would have gone or stayed up there and eaten with him. The thing I realized was that Nabal had finally done what he's been hoping for- he has me in a lie. I truly try not to lie. That's his bag. They all got in and our girl is sitting in the living room looking at TV. She says, "Mom, really, pop's cough medicine sitting right here?" Nabal had me stop and pick up his Nyquil. He must have only been high if he still needed that to sleep. The problem is that our girl goes to school with kids who use cough medicine to get high. One almost died last year from it, then she comes home to the same thing. It saddens her.

After church I come home Nabal and Pablito are there working on a truck. He comes in and tells our girl that if she doesn't go to church with me in the morning then she has to go with him. He makes this threat off and on. Then he disappeared. I was doing wash so he'd have dress pants for church. The time for him to dress for church came and went. I went out and bought a rotisserie chicken and continued. I fell asleep and woke when I heard Nabal's footsteps. Then I heard a loud stomp and he walked out the door. Later I realized that he was out on the patio with a huge fire in the fireplace. It's cold here and he'd been out there for about 2 hours, he didn't come in for about another hour and a half to two hours. I heard him talking to our girl. He told her she was never allowed to go anywhere else. She was to stay in the house if she wasn't in school. She stood up to him, and he went back outside. Our boy was home from work with an old friend. The kids come downstairs saying they had proof that Nabal smoked crack. They had a pipe made of tin foil that he had left out in the open... It had weed still in it. Our boy has finally seen that he needs to protect his sister, she's not the enemy. That, or he just wants to do violence to Nabal. I told our girl not to get into it with her dad, because one time before he went and got a glass of water and threw it in her face and laughed. Hi knocked a bunch of stuff down staggering around and looked at me and said, "Clean it up!" I didn't want that again, because this time I think the kids would come together and try to hurt him. I don't want that on the hands of the children. They will feel bad later. A friend's boy beat his drunk father a few weeks ago and it ate at him so much that he skipped school and got roaring drunk himself. The boy is 15... Crazy sh*t that happens in homes of addicts. Our boy saw he needed to remove his sister from the situation and took her with him to visit the friend who was with him. The boy lives right around the corner. Nabal came in just as they were going out and says our girl can't go anywhere anymore. Our boy said something I didn't hear and they left. He was trying to draw me in and that would have only made matters worse. I knew he was drinking up his courage to come confront me. So I waited. The sad thing is that when the kids told me they were going out our girl said in so many words, "If we leave we'll leave he'll bother mommy." I told her I could handle him and for her not to worry and go calm down. Don't listen to his threats calculated to start an argument. He knows what he's doing , yet if he does anything he'll use the excuse of being drunk to get out of any blame. Just don't take the bait.

I heard him upstairs cooking and knocking things over and things breaking... He comes downstairs with my deviled egg plate... with chicken on it. Leads off by saying, "I can't understand why you have to have a perfect man." He wants to sit next to me then trys to force feed me chicken he's burnt. I nicely told him I wasn't hungry. He got insistent and I took a small bite. Then he says I have to eat the whole piece of chicken. I declined. I saw it as him trying to control me. Then he starts his victim whining, "Why do you hate me?" He said this is the way I want beans to taste when I open my restaurant. Ok... Then he tells me that the chicken was under cooked and he had to fry it. He burned it! Then he asks me what point they use where I bought the chicken. What?! I really did try to understand him. Thought he was talking about the temperature or cooking time. Nooooo! WHat point? I just said I don't know, I don't work there. He went on a while, "Is it 1, 2, 7,8? What's the point they use?" I realized it was nonsense talk to make me think I was the crazy one. I changed the subject. Then he sits. "You are coming to sleep with me tonight right? I need a little sex. Can you give me a little sex? How long has it been since we've had sex? Three years?" I just told him nope and asked how was church. He said he worked, then that he has really messed up. He didn't say why. He'd been drinking and smoking all afternoon. He asks me how long I've been singing at my church. Then he asks is my pastor available to talk at any time. That old threat again.. I told him. in fact we are having a harvest party next weekend and he should come! He slowly said, maybe I will. Oh, I'd love him to go drunk, because everyone has to hear only my side. I could be lying or exaggerating. The only people who have witnessed him not only drunk, but behaving badly are my friends from Texas. Thank God I can call them and know I'm completely believed. He asks if I want him to leave. I told him again he's the one who has been saying for a year (and more with little threats) that he was leaving. He can do what he needs to do. He becomes a little more innocent every time. Last time he told me I read the whole 4 years wrong and that he always told his friends that he loved me so and would never leave me. This time he purports that he has always told me how very much he loves me. THen he asks, "So what do I need to do to leave? I'm taking my kids with me. If you think I'm going to leave our girl with you, you are wrong. Dead wrong. I'm not leaving her with you." There it is people! Abusers will always use the children as pawns. What the hell happened to him those hours I was in school every evening and she sat here by herself while he sat in front of the house drinking beer in his truck and her seeing him peeing in the back yard instead of coming into his house and using the bathroom. Or while he was visiting Mary at the gas station trying to get into her pants. He doesn't give a rat's ass about her or anyone else, yet he will try to go to court, and I know with the help of his abusive husband ex-pastor Noel to try to get custody and lie his ass off! I know in reality that the kids are old enough to decide and testify themselves. I know that in reality, I also know he could drain me since I don't have funds for a long fight. He does at the moment, but if his business falls thru he wouldn't either. He left our boy out because last time I reminded him that the boy will be 18 this spring and can do whatever he likes. But it digs at me. I talked to the kids and told them. I don't normally tell them any more that they see, but I pointed out to our girl that he was looking for evidence that i was a bad mom so he could take me to court and gain custody of her. I said yes we have a lot to say, but if she doesn't keep her nose clean he will use, exaggerate and outright lie to paint me as an unfit mom. This is a game for him. He doesn't want her (I didn't tell her this) he wants to hurt me, and keep me in line with threats. Then he asks why our girl needed to go with our boy visiting friends. He always says something if she's not in the house alone. Always something snide. He wants her isolated. I think he wants her isolated, number one so he can control her, and number two because he knows he can push her to do something stupid if he controls her too tightly. Then he will blame it on my bad parenting. Hell, he doesn't do any. He hates that most of her friends are boys. Most of mine were at that age. With her it has always been that way, and she doesn't date from her friends. I think he's jealous, because he doesn't (and most Mexican men don't) know how to be friends with women. Men are their friends and women are there to feed them, do their laundry and have sex when they get home. Their male friends come first, and they talk about how shifty and untrustworthy women are, and a bunch of other dumb stuff most men stop talking about after they pass 25. Past fights, jail time, the dumbest thing they did while drunk or high. I know because our boy was there many times when they talked about all this. Oh, and all the girls they banged. Yup, in front of his kid. Then comes and tells me he doesn't have any experience and isn't up to my standards. Wow, couldn't learn anything in 20 years? He plays a roll all the time. It's all about him.

Our girl didn't want to come back in the house until Nabal was asleep. I'm guessing passed out qualifies. So much damage and I can't get my crap together to break free of all this soul killing foolishness.

I don't want or expect perfection, but there are a whole lot of things between perfect and what I live with.

The truck- Saturday morning just before we walk out of the house, Nabal calls our daughter's phone to talk to me. He's about 30 minutes away and can't get in touch with the man and wants to leave a check and take the truck. He asks me to go ask our boy if he has a ket to the truck that's getting fixed. I ask him and he says he gave the key to the mechanic when he came to pick it up. I gave the phone to the boy, Nabal twists things and it's better to not be the middle man, or mom. Our boy comes out and says one of you told me to give the key to the mechanic. Was it you mom? I remember the morning well, Nabal waylaid us on our way out to school to deal with that, and I was not happy at all. It had to be Nabal that told him that. I stopped and told our boy not to fall for it! It's a Nabal trick, do something dumb and find someone to blame, anyone that's not him. He couldn't blame me so he went for the next. I said, "The question is, why did he go all that way without talking to the man and where is his key? He was with one of his weed smoking little Napoleon complex friends. The one he blames for 'making' him try to date the gas station Mary. (funny, she's now friends with 2 of my FB friends, actually acquaintances) I told our boy not to let Nabal pin his ineptness on the boy when Nabal should have been the one to deal with his car, or me. Then he said he didn't tell the boy to give the man a key and I probably did. How was the man to move the car if he didn't have a key? Nabal told him then tried to blame shift when he didn't have his key. What a crock! He evidently spent the day with his friend because he got his truck back. I told our boy it's a head game his dad likes to play. Getting you to not trust what went on so he can mess with your head down the line. The boy said he doesn't play head games and is not susceptible to them. I said he had you confused and that's his aim. Look at the reality. Where the hell is his key? Why would he go there without it? Why would he go down there without talking to the man? All things an adult man should consider and if you don't then you accept that you did something not so bright. You do not try to make other people responsible for your poor planning. What was he going to do? Come all the way back and get the key then return? Not your problem or cause. His aim is to confuse so he can make everyone stop relying on their own reality and he can manipulate things so he's never responsible.

After he passed out, which was shortly after he went back upstairs. I went upstairs and when I got close to the door at the top of the stairs I felt a strong draft of cold air. I looked around and there he was passed out on the sofa in the living room with the kitchen door propped wide open! The heat is on! Thankfully the temp was still above what I have the heat set on. And he wanders around complaining if I have a TV on and have gone out of the room. Must have been from his chicken burning fiasco. Just all the little things.

Long weekend. This morning he comes down waking me early asking where his hat is... Then since I was asleep kisses me on my forehead. Bleck!

Thursday Night

Since he's pulled a hip rotator and had the block hit him in the head he hasn't been drinking. It also may be the melatonin pills that are probably helping him sleep. He's been trying to act like everything is normal here and there. Mostly he leaves me alone since the house is comint together. Every clean surface makes me just a little stronger. Breaks his ability to find fault.

Don't know if I wrote this, but here goes. Last week he got me going trying to pretend he was innocent of any offence so I brought up his threatening to shoot the cat. He had the gun out and couldn't find the bullets. I wasn't home, just the kids and a friend. He looked shocked, then laughed one of those condescending laughs or when someone has missreas a situation. "I was just joking with the kids. Trying to make them laugh. You thought I was serious?" I asked him what made him think anyone thought that was funny since it was the kids and their cat he who were there. He smiled, the poor misunderstood man... just trying to have some fun with his family... Humph... Who the hell is he kidding? Oh, only himself. I'm sure he's having a conversation in his head about the stupid americans not understanding Mexican humour. Then having a pity party that we all think he's the stupid little Mexican and we think we are so smart. Abuse, plain and simple.

Thursday

I'm cleaning. The dirt and grime of 3 years. What is really getting to me is that Nabal leaves all his trash and garbage where I've already cleaned. I know the kids do too. At what point did the idea enter this house that I was their maid? I know somewhere along the way I allowed it to happen. How did it get to the point that if the house is a mess it's only a reflection only on me? Funny how society does that. The other night Nabal tried to make me responsible for yet another thing. Evidently he wouldn't be drinking if I yelled and chastized more... Wow... In the house I've unearthed trash cans that I had placed in all rooms, sometimes 2 and 3. I'm the only one who uses them. And the occasional guest. They actually became hidden in all the mess. This is a family where I wash clothes and ask when I can't tell whos stuff belongs to who because of size simularities. No one helps. If I give the wrong pants to Nabal he gives me grief for not recognizing his jeans! Other day he wore our son's shirt. When asked why he said because it was in his closet. A dig at me since he wore it to work.

The other day I got crates for the dogs. They have been really getting used to going inside. There were a few times when Nabal was drunk this summer I found the back door with the dog door shut. The dog door has been there for years and the hard door is never shut. Call me paranoid, but I really think Nabal was doing it to make the dogs have more accidents. Always he is really on me to train the dog he brought in. He gave it to our girl and threatens to get rid of the dog. So got the crates... he gets drunk and wants to just lock the dogs in just because. The kids and I said that when I bought them. I feel sad that our family has turned out like they are. Having a scapegoat and using it majority of the time. I can see the subtle games that filter everything down to me being responsible for anything anyone doesn't want to do.

Monday

Nabal had a block fall off the scaffolding he was working under and hit him in the head. No hard hat. He came in about 10:30. He didn't want to go to the doctor's. I'd just made an appointment for our girl, he declined. He disappeared after about an 2 hours and when he returned about 7pm drunk. Well, how many accidents is that this year? For a ma who never had them before the last 4 years...

Saturday

Nabal this morning was on the war path... Our girl

He says he spent the day at the rental house. He got home about 7:30 and passed out before 9. Driving 30 min. I'm sure drinking all the way. I was cooking steak and cheese sandwiches. He comes into our small kitchen and wants to cook tortillas with cheese. He's playful wanting kisses. He knows better. He tries to catch me off guard. Then decides I'm mad. He swats me on the behind then tries to look innocent when I get annoyed. "What, what?" as he laughs. Tonight he in his creepy little baby voice, "You still my little baby? You my little baby forever. Right?" I say no. Funny he never asks why really... Then he goes on, "I'll never let you down." I had to look at him and say, "Too late." Nabal laughs and says, "I already let you down. I don't care. You my baby forever. You never gonna leave." I think he is trying to be subliminal. Trying to convince me that there is no hope of escape.

Friday

Today as we were getting in the car to get off to school the tow truck for Nabal's truck comes to pick up the Nissan. I was so mad. Why, and why do I have to defend why I was mad? He doesn't mind inconveniencing everyone else. But last night he was fighting in the street because someone disturbed his sleep... ironic. I was mad because the kids were going to be late to school. Our boy says to me, "Why are you always grumpy? You're just always mad." At that point I just got out of the car and finished cutting the grass as the boy showed the man all the cars Nabal eventually wants towed and fixed. Another abuser in the wings... He can punch holes in the wall, have fits. Yet It's not ok for me to. The man hitched up the truck and left. He didn't need a check after all. I'm going to work, at least I picked something that consumes my entire mind.

Thursday- Normal People Time

This is all really weighing to much. Our girl has been, I thought, joking about getting emancipated. She's not. I knew it was something laying just below the surface for some time. She's banking reasons. After Nabal went upstairs at 1:20ish. He started to play fight with our boy. He asked the boy to take him to the store for more beer and to Wendy's. It's 1:30 in the morning and the kids have school in the morning! Seems he decided to go into the hall to play fight. Her door was closed and she was trying to sleep.

My kids said yesterday that they never hear, "I love you." Damn. I try, maybe they don't believe me. Maybe since I never heard it as a child the few times I do say it seem a lot to me. I know I pull back from them because Nabal would always get so jealous of attention I gave them. He never understood I gave him different attention. I would cut our boy's hair. Because I can and it looked good and it was free. Even when we didn't have money he got jealous and wanted me to cut his hair. I can't cut straight men's hair cuts. Our boy's is curly and way more forgiving. Our girl's os long and I just shaped it. He wanted me to do a professionally layered hair cut which is beyond my capabilities. Always after he would get into some altercation with the child I was doing something for. So I backed up when they were around to in my way save them the hassle. He never went after me, just the object of my doing. And it didn't stop there. If I made a cake for my church, I had to make a cake for his.

He was right last night, sex has never been great. Of course he said that's because I have been with sooooo many men, then he got real vulgar. He wasn't close, it's his constant accusations of me wanting and having affairs. He would end sex by saying something degrading. Oh yeah, anyone would want to repeat that again. In almost 20 years he bought book after book on sex yet never seemed to learn anything, but it was his constantly having to take me down a peg that killed it for me. Then he says again, all his life he wished he had a pretty girl. (thanks) If one would avail themselves to him he'd be gone. Wow, yeah I trust you to have my back. I trust you. Oh, and I'm to understand that men like womens. (His way of putting it.) For every plea of his insecurities he has to put in something to tear me down, yet he then says he just doesn't understand why I'm acting the way I do. He's trying to make up but I won't have him, therefore it's my fault.

Thursday- Early A.M. Water Torture

He'd argued with someone on the phone that he is mad because he calls and they play phone tag with and tells them to take his number out of their phone. Storms outside.

He finally went to the tax man after 4 years gets back home and tells me, "Oh you did take all the papers to him." He's accused me for years of not. The tax man looks through everything and can't understand why he never did them. I can tell you. He's another drunk... Tonight he wants a heart to heart again. We go over the same old sh!t. He knows I say he's been mean but can't recall anything. He just doesn't understand. Lies about Isela, about Mary, about me oggeling over some of his friends. I just told him he was a liar, which he is. He changes the names every few years. Funny, he really doesn't know me so he has me supposidly liking people I wouldn't stay in the same room. He tells some other thing he's made truth in his mind. He looks at me and asks what's my problem. Trust and your threatening to leave all the time. He says I say it, but have I ever done it? That's right up there with I know I've said I'm leaving, but that's in the past and I've told you I'm staying more times than I've said I'm going. So I ask him why he plays that little game. Changes mood and finally he says if he leaves he's taking the kids with him.

He woke me when I was trying to go to sleep early. Kept me up until 1:20. Then he comes back at 2:20 to speak drunken jibberish. I was so mad I just told him to leave me alone. Forever? He asks. He has tried to sound pitiful, blame his parents, yet not, paint me as a whore, a frozen queen, he's taken all the blame, but then blamed everything on me by saying I drove him to it and that I'm not perfect. I was thinking earlier that I feel like I'm banging my head. He was talking about us buying another house. About the future. He just pretends there is nothing wrong. He said he's trying to get money to give me. Like that's the freaking problem! I've baled his ass out so many times. If he knew I had money he'd have to have an emergency. I'm about to the point of willing to gnaw my hand off to get away from Nabal. He's a nasty jerk saying anything about me to make me feel dirty. When it doesn't work he says all that's in the past. Finally I said if it all doesn't matter and is all in the past. Why do you bring it up?

Funny, every time he goes over the storys about Isela and Mary he becomes a little more innocent... Good for me I have a lot of incriminating texts on hard copy. Claimed Isela was a spiritually weak woman, so that was all her fault I guess. Then sheepishly said he may have gone a little too far... I asked said, "Oh, so you were counseling her? His voice ran ice cold in his reply, "Oh, I see you are trying to be sarcastic." Sarcasm... it really offends him. Like that's where he draws the line. Accused me of friending Mary, then slipped and said she wouldn't have friended him then made like something happened and she would have never friended him. I'm not sure exactly what went on there but him being so mad about the pregnant daughter pictures makes me wonder if he hit on her daughter.

It's back to hate. He, I can tell, is implying that it's my duty to forgive him. Because he 'loves me' really a crock. It's 3:24. So much for going to sleep early. I told him I was trying to go to sleep early, he told me to get a life... Ass!

Tuesday

I'm feeling so worn down. So last night he tied one on and decided that he was the jilted love. He comes down to woo me to my bed. Many I love yous. Then when I say no his pitiful voice says, "You don't want poppy no more." He, while trying to cop a feel, asks when I'm going to forgive him. Proclaims that he's done nothing wrong to me. Asks why I say he's mean. WHich I've never said. I have pointed out his actions, words and demeanor over the last years. I've been specific, he deals in generalities. Then he lays the claim that I never loved him, that I just forced him to marry and now I'm tired of him. Really! After almost 20 years! Why does he feel entitled to go off do what he wants then by rewriting history demand to be forgiven. He wants to know how long will it take for me to forgive him... I've told him he went to far. He doesn't want to listen. He wants what he wants and thats that. Then he says he doesn't want to leave. I can go back and reread all the times in the past years he's said he's leaving and done, and more over the years that I never wrote down. It's his game and he thinks I'm playing it too. I'm not. I don't threaten for the effect. Then the final arrow was, "I told you that women in their 50s don't want anything to do with their husbands. I said that and you said nooo, but I was right! Women in their 50s don't want anything to do with their husbands." Oh no it has nothing to do with his behavior, nothing. He said he never did anything wrong to me, he was just going through a hard time and i have to understand that. Then he asks, "So, this is all my fault?" Hell, no marriage is just one person's fault, both parties have hand in it's demise. But if I were to have gone out and treated him like he treated me I'd be history and have my parental rights taken away. I'd be a slut, a whore and who the hell wants a habitual drunk woman; but if it's a man, that's a different story. I am getting so awful tired. It's a struggle not to just give in to shut him up. He wanted a kiss. He smelled like old stale beer. He asked repeatedly for a kiss burping each time. I see a trick here. He wants me to surrender. He wants me to give him a kiss. He wants me to give him a hug. No matter how he is especially when he is super drunk he wants complete acceptance. I have to give up my ridiculous stand. That's not what I think, that's the vibe I'm receiving. He feels I'm going to give in, like all the times in the past, so I may as well do it now rather than later.

So the other night he went on Facebook and gets mad because someone put a picture on his wall. They didn't put a picture on his wall it was just on his feed. He couldn't seem to understand that... He wanted to know who all these people were that he didn't know and why were they his friends. He was looking at the people you might know list. Gets mad again because of a picture someone posted. Come to find out it was Mary. Yes gas station Mary, and the picture was of her pregnant daughter. Then he asks me why this person is his friend, doesn't he have to approve friends? Yes, but a few weeks ago he was on drunk. He finally shut up. Next day I see he wrote 'ola' on her wall... Oh yeah he was broken up because they are friends...

Today he said again, "I love you!" I said my usual 'ok.' He just kept repeating it. Then he asks, "Do you love me?" I told him i love him like I love everybody. I don't think he was expecting that, he couldn't formulate a response that made sense. I haven't played games with him. I just can't take it anymore. Last night he was talking about 'us' buying another house. I told him it wasn't happening. Many reasons, first we have way too much debt, out credit is shot, these are the cold facts. The biggest is that I'm not putting my name on another thing with him. I don't want to move anywhere else with him. I want to move far away from here and rent my house. I want this to be solely my house again. I want to be alone so no one plays head games with me. That's how I led my life for almost 15 years. I could go in my house and lock my door when I got fed up with people's games. I think he figures that if he acts obtuse, and keeps blaming me I will cave in and settle back to 'normal' I can hear it in his conversations about other people. When a woman leaves a man for abuse, cheating or drunkenness he rants about women not caring, alludes to their not being able to make it on their own and in general has a lower opinion of the woman. The men? He excuses them, many times in not so many words, but it's just a change in his voice and never criticizing the man's actions only pointing to the woman;s. I see it as her defending her dignity and many times defending her physical person against disease and hurt, he sees it as a her being uncaring and faithless. Seems in his mind there is absolutely no reason a woman should leave a man or marriage, no matter what he does. Funny, he would step in between a man beating a woman, but she still shouldn't leave in his mind. I take that back. If he doesn't like the man then it's alright and she should, if he likes the guy then he should be given infinite latitude and forgiven always.

Been working my company and applied for something steady, but I am thinking he will never get it. He will never relent. He has burned his bridge. He has set a new normal and expects me to be happy with it. He said to me all his life he wanted a petty girl. Now that he's found a few don't want him little ugly me is supposed to be happy to have him back? I threw that at him one night when he was going on. "Baby, you know I think you are pretty and I love you." Wow... that clears things up. Never face the question, just declare his 'love' then I'm the bad person for not reciprocating. I should be the one drinking! I often think of that, but realize that that would just be too easy as depressed as I am. Then where would I be? Where would my poor children be? The only one who would be happy would be Nabal. He's been trying to get me hooked up any of his indulgences so he can laud it over me. Feel superior. I know this because when he offers his pipe or bottle to me and I politely decline he says, "Oh, you think you are so good." Really? Project not your feelings of inadequacy upon me! That's why he makes so many drunks in his own image. He knows his actions should be looked down upon and just how wrong he is. There is some saying about pigs wanting to wallow in the mud and wanting everyone in there with them. He even tries to get his children in trouble so he can feel superior.

I realize that that is his need in life- to feel superior. Even to God, he has decided that he is co-captian with God. God has given him a special dispensation to go against God's laws and be favored. He even says he has God's blessings in his debauchery. Only thing he has to do to keep up the bargain is go to church. I can't judge all that because I'm too close to it all, I do believe he is wrong and has let his pride get the best of him. I tried to love him all these years to repeatedly have it questioned in the meanest ways. Whatever I did was never enough. If I didn't know something he deemed important like what he wanted to eat on a given night I never knew him, I never really loved him. Yet he offers to buy me out of our family and tells me I want to be alone and don't love he children or him. He never gets me a present that fits, they are always at least 2 sizes too large. He threatens to leave if I fall behind with the wash or housekeeping. Yet he never offers to lend a hand. He occasionally did with the clothes. He told me to get 'his' clothes together so he can go wash them. Yet I'm not the one who loved. I bought him food he wanted, he only expects us to love what he loves. Chicken, spaghetti, lasagna. Let me have then every few months and he accuses me of fixing them all the time and throws a fit that I care nothing for him. I ask him what he wants. His answer is that if I really loved him I'd know. Beef? Pork? Lamb? He screws up his face and answers no to every animal. I told him we were running out of animals. He wasn't amused, just accusing. I have washed my own car for years without help except the occasional offer when I am almost finished. I do the grass because he works so hard and the mower is too high for him. I have work to do and he likes pulling me away from it to have personal time with him, but complains about not getting the work done. All one big game, He makes the rules and they change at will.

Saturday

$940 between at least 3 possibly 4 Mexicans. They came in to drop off tools as we were leaving for our boy's soccer game. Nabal stood in my way and asked where I was going. I told ho where and he asked for the money. Never asked where the game was being played. Odd, I've evidently stopped looking at Nabal. The kids noticed that they were already high. They also noticed the light in Pablito's eyes when the money came. They figure he's going to get really wasted. I last saw them at about 2:40, it's now 6:40. These are all young men he's taken to church.

So not only does he think that he can do what he pleases as long as he goes to church, but he assumes that his partying with these young men he wants to look up to him and respect him is alright as long as they go to church. I now understand why he gets so mad when they don't go. It's somewhat about control, but it's also because 'his'gospel absolves him of any wrong if they all continue to show up Sundays. (and he can sit very proudly while all look up to him as the evangelist) In the end he does absolve himself of any guilt or responsibility by saying, "Well, I've tried to warn them they need to keep going to church..."

Well... tonight aint church... That's tomorrow at 3 in the afternoon. Good church time for a lush. But to stay on the safe side he does devote a portion of his drinking time to explaining the gospel. Alas... By that time they are all so deep in the bottle and pipe they just giggle and say amen if Nabal gets mad about the disrespect. Such a little man, and in so many ways.


So there is a large beer bottle with a paper bag wrapped around it sitting by my sofa. I just cleaned the living room thoroughly... It's been there since Tuesday night... This morning it now has a naked buddy! Just the bottle. He will leave it there until he has company. He assumes I'll clean them up so the room looks nice. He is very much mistaken! All my friends know what I'm putting up with. If they attract bugs... I'll wash them out and put them back. It's all about principle here! Even my pastor knows, so... His church friends on the other hand...

In fairness I must report that he did come in at 10:30, and sober. Seems he'd been working up at the rental property. No more sale. Hopefully a 2 year rental. I hope all this is sorted out before that, but it will be income for him. I hope to have gotten up the courage before that time to get our girl and I out of Nabal's reach, and out of this town.

Friday

So today he has court fro his truck having so many problems. He calls that his battery is dead. I go to give him a jump his truck is there but not him. I didn't catch his call the first time and he said he'd talked to the attendant and she'd called him a tow truck. So I'm there his truck with keys in the ignition is there. I popped the hoods and hook everything up. Tried to turn the truck over and lights came on then nothing. I let it charge a little more. Still nothing. I called him because he should have been back by now. He is very confusing, he's talking to the woman, he'll be right up. Finally he comes with a personal size pizza box from Christian's. "Want some pizza?" No thank you I said. He tries to turn it on then gets out a screw driver sticks it in something under the hood and turns it on. At this point I'm thinking his battery was just fine and he was trying to suck me in by calling me down and making me wait. So I asked him if when he tried to start it before did all the lights come on and he said yes... When we get home he's complaining that the woman charged him $6. After a while I asked why he didn't get the court to validate his parking. He didn't know they did that. We've only been here 15 years.

So he sits around all day trying to blow kisses and whistling or clucking at me like you would a dog. Then he keeps trying to hug me and kiss me. Asked me when I would be sleeping with him again. Maybe tonight? I looked at him as if he were nuts. (which I actually think) That was when the acting like nothing was wrong started. He'd come behind me and try to hug me. When I shrugged him off or said no. He'd run away laughing. Saying, "What, what!" In an utterly ridiculously high pitched voice. I was reclaiming the dining room. Many things there hadn't been cleaned for 2 years... I have so let the place go. I haven't cared. I haven't wanted him to think that I'm doing it for him. That's always the way he made it seem. Today a few times I went into the kitchen to throw something away and just as my hand moved he'd point to the trash can. Like he had to tell me what to do... Then he'd say, "Very good." and smile. Tweeked me to no end. He took a shower and laid on the sofa and went to sleep finally. He was sitting around looking at Spanish soap operas all day. There is so much that needs to be done around the house. Last night I realized that after all the rain the roof had leaked and stained the basement wall. It's around the exhaust fan in the kitchen. Picked up the kids and came back to my cleaning. Around 4:30 he asked me if I needed help. He'd been home since 12. I guess he was tired after being a terror the night before and keeping everyone awake with his loud music. So now he's home from church and trying to 'create' a normal family our hell. It's like he imagines he can 'will' any reality he chooses. It's not like if I capitulate to his requests for normalcy that he would cease his outbursts, abuse and crazy making behavior. He would just add his manipulation on as an added bonus.

I realized a few days ago that when he comes near me all my muscles knot. I go ridged. the other night when he was accusing me of tearing the family apart, and keeping the kids from church. I got so mad, so irritated that my heart was racing and I was shaking. I know my blood pressure shot through the roof! I can't let him do that to me. He'll kill me for sure...

He asked me something about the weekend and I told him I was working for Yoshia. He asked where her shop was and I told him. He had one question. "Is she black?" WTF? I looked at him and said I know all types of people why would you ask that? "Well," he says, "With a name like that she must be black." I asked, a namd like what? He murdered the name trying to say it. I said in a cold voice, "Yoshia is Japanese." Oh he replies. "Where's she from?" I tell him what state. Then he says, "And black?" I breathed deep and gave her last name which happened to be hispanic. He asks, "What is her papa?" All I could think to say was some sort of hispanic from somewhere. I just wanted the conversation to end. What an ass. So racist at times in a very subtle way.

I really don't know how much more of this I can take. I feel I'm resisting a vortex. I can't go back to being asleep to not feeling to just going along. I can't sacrifice my kids anymore. It seems like it is going to be either him or us. There just seems to be no in between. No compromise possible.

This is my last year with my first born. I need to work so much, but I don't want to miss my last chance with my boy at home. We lost all last year in hate. He couldn't put up with the dysfunction any longer and he left. He sees his light at the end of the tunnel. I also know that as he goes into the military, there is a possibility that he may never return. I can see already that on top of the grief if we were to lose him there would be the accusation that it was my fault and I never really cared about anyone's welfare except my own. Nabal already told the story of how his mother became drunk and talked him out of his dream of going into the military. Why in the world do I live in a reality where I have to think of things like that? Strange where the mind must go.

This weekend is my birthday. I have sworn the children to secrecy. I don't want Nabal's fake celebrations. I remember that that day last year he never once said anything nice to me. He was too busy getting drunk and begging Isela to send him topless pictures. They went back and forth she accused him of having other women so she wouldn't send him a nude photo until he sent her one... Crappy birthday to me. My birthday, my pity party! I just don't want my day to be used for his agenda. If I keep it to myself it remains mine only. I've even taken it down from my Facebook. I did that months ago. Forethought is the key to my life...

Thursday

Oh how I hate thee, let me count the ways...

Where do I start this week. Tuesday after his church he tied one on and decided he wanted to talk to me about our marriage. He keeps telling me I'm mad. (as in angry) I'm not angry, I'm a lot of things, but angry isn't one of them. He gets me angry. The other day I was talking business on the phone and he comes up and tries to kiss me on the mouth while I'm talking... Them makes a loud kissing noise on my cheek. He could hear I was on a business call. He does this all the time when I'm on the phone. He got me angry when he said that my being angry was going to tear our family apart. Me? His drinking, drugging, womanizing and just plain bad behavior has me despising him. And the children... no respect whatsoever. They border on hatred for him. I am the one standing in the way of our children's spiritual growth... I cut loose there, just couldn't contain it. I told him his bad behavior is what puts the kids off. He stared at me with feigned innocence and told me they follow me. So in the middle of all this he says I think he has done more bad things than he actually has. My take on life is that we only see the tip of the iceberg. He apologized for not being perfect... and implied that that is what I was what I required. There is a lot of ground between his actions and perfection. I ran this past my pastor just to see if I was taking this all wrong, because I know this is a way to use 'religion' on me. I even told Nabal that no one is perfect. The pastor clarified it for me. He said, "Perfection is not really an issue here. The issue is willfully doing things than expecting no repercussions." Well, that is it in a nut shell. Nabal is still making excuses. He is sticking with the story that he did try to get with some women, but it didn't work out... That raised even the pastor's eyebrow. Seems I'm not the the only one who sees it as a backhanded compliment type thing. But he just keeps on saying it like it's supposed to clear everything up... He asked why I was acting like I do towards him. I told him he had pushed me too far. His reply, "What's too far for you?" Answering a question with a question... haven't I read something about that? He said he's trying... he's going to church! What more do I want? Entering a building makes you nothing, it's what you carry in your heart into the building that makes the man, or woman for that matter. I told him I acted the way I do because I'm watching my back. He said, "You don't know, you never looked back there. I'm back there watching your back." He denies that for 2 years he was looking at me like he was trying to figure how to do away with me and not get caught. I don't trust him anymore and less as days go by. Then his continence changed ever so slightly and he said, "You're all mine and always will be. So why are you acting like this?" That made my blood run cold. Very cold... He doesn't really care about anything other than property.

Last night I worked the evening. Our daughter said he came in with a beer and was already trashed. She was talking on the phone to an old boyfriend and he himself suffered under an abusive drunk. He and a friend came and got her. I'd asked her to come with me she declined, because we never know what he's going to be like when he hits the door. It's been a while since he hit the door already drunk, and usually he goes to church for a while on Thursdays before he gets plowed. I got home and he was in a foul mood. not liking that the girl had gone off with 2 boys. I just walked back out the door. He was ranting that nothing good was going to come from her being with boys. I'm not that crazy about her being out all the time either, but being home with a demanding, unpredictable drunk is now the greater evil. He again tells me it's my fault because they follow me and he doesn't agree with my way of thinking. He does have a little old Mexico, ok a lot. Girls hang with girls, and boys try to 'get' girls but hang with boys only when that doesn't work out.

Later he was drunker. Our boy had just come in from work and was going to eat late when Nabal told him to drive him to the store to get more beer, When they got back home the boy wasn't hungry anymore and went down the street to visit friends. He was going to try to go to sleep early... Nabal doesn't see, care or give a crap how he effects anyone around him. Then he started in on me. "I know you want to be somewhere else with someone else, you always have. You never loved me!" Funny, as I write this I realize that first sentence is exactly what he told me last winter when he said he was leaving... projection. Then he says, "You picked me so you are stuck. You are never going anywhere." Then he laughed a really evil laugh as he walked away and repeated. "You picked me." I was tired and took a shower and laid down to sleep. it was about 12 o'clock. he comes downstairs to use the bathroom, "Are you sleeping?" I answered yes and he says. "Why it's early!" I said because I'm tired. His reply, "Why? What have you done today?" Then he goes upstairs, trips, recovers, and turns the TV up very loud playing mariachi music. Why can't the kids sleep? Why do they have a hard time falling asleep? Such a selfish bastard! The worst thing to do at those times is to ask him to turn it down because then a fight ensues and which is worse. If we ignore him he quickly forgets and starts doing something else.

Wednesday I came in from church, he amazingly was not drunk. I'm warming up the soup. It was there but no one ate yet. So dysfunctional. He asks me for tea as I hand him his bowl. The stove is full, I'm filling bowls frying tortilla strips for tortilla soup and he keeps asking where his tea is. Our daughter got his cup, finally the water is boiling. Tea made. He gets up to go to the bathroom and stops to ask if I remembered to put sugar in. I tell him, as he stands there that the tea is ready and yes has sugar. I noticed a few minutes the tea is still there. Then he's whistling, and saying something. I realized he was wanting me to wait on him... Really! WTF? I see it as a ploy to accomplish an attitude of servitude. Luckily our daughter passed by at that time. I asked her to take it into the living room and give it to him. So damn dysfunctional. After I went downstairs and plugged in my phone to charge I noticed I had a call. It had been on silent from my evening in church. He'd called me at 10:05. I got home at 9:45. I just know he was calling about his damn tea!

This all has cemented my thought that he is not going to let me out of this marriage. He is going to get very dangerous if I try, but I will die a little every day if I don't get out. I have to think of the kids. One is leaving after this year and Nabal wants him to continue to live in the house and go to college here. I'm almost sure that's why the boy wants to go into the military, to get away from this house of horrors. But with just our girl here I have to get out. I just have to. I know he sees her free spirit and hates it. She is an observer and learned a long time ago to not let him see her sweat anything. He once threw a cup of water in her face when he was drunk just to see emotion. He laughed and looked like the cat that caught the canary. He doesn't really like her and she keeps her distance from him, but his overwhelming want, need to control may come to the forefront when it's just her and me. Nabal is turning into a loose cannon.

His stomach is on the rise again. He's drinking more.

Last night he gave all of us $100 then told us to buy something that makes us happy. He was very smug. Buying affection. I stashed it in my winter food fund. Just last week he was complaining about where the money goes, then I see he has cashed 2 checks one for $300 and one for $500 in two days. He said some woman in a deli called him stupid today. I am sure that's what brought on his ire tonight. She was a 'black' lady. I was wondering why he was telling me that I thought he was stupid and dumb. I told him to take his business elsewhere. He tells me he unlike me doesn't have all day to go different places. When he told me where he went I asked him why he didn't go to the big gas station next door. He said, "They don;t have food." This is what the outcome of this is- The gas station not only has food, they have 3 different order windows to get different foods and their gas is at least 5 cents cheaper... Right across the service road... in fact you have to drive past it to get to the one he likes to go to. I'm betting some woman works there he likes to flirt with... When I told him about the next door gas station he dropped the subject. You can look at the two places and see which one has more stuff... So, we all had to suffer because he got into a pissing match with some ignorant local woman...

Very Early Sunday

When all the lights are out in the basement, when I am asleep and it's almost 12 a.m., I do not want to talk about buying property that is not available. I do not want to talk about another scheme to get the money you unwisely gave the debt stricken owners back. I don't want to hear about some black guy (why not just say guy?) who says he can fix your Studebaker for $400. I don't want to hear about your plans to give it power windows. Don't care to hear about the escapades of your drunk friends. Don't want to hear the tall tale of how you talked with one of the local politicians for 2 hours, giving him the lowdown on what illegals really want. I WENT TO SLEEP EARLY BECAUSE I WAS TIRED!! You didn't make it to the soccer game today. Oh yeah, none this year to be exact. You had the nerve to ask how our boy was playing. But no one really wants you there anyway, all you ever do is criticize. Alcohol is all I smell, alcohol is all I hear.

Friday of A Long Week

Why is it every Wednesday when I go to church I come home to a drunk trying to control me with god things. Yes, with a little 'g'what he's spouting doesn't merit a 'G' in any way. So I thought he wasn't home. Seems way before he had our boy move his truck and park it in the church parking lot next door. He was already crazy drunk and high. All I saw was Pablito's truck parked on the sidewalk. Our girl and I came home and as soon as we saw it knew it was drunk parking... I realized this week I really do need to go to sleep way earlier. At 1:30 a.m. a hand groping (thankfully) my face woke me. All I could smell was alcohol. (not even beer) Nabal wants to talk... He loves me, come sleep upstairs. "You are my wife!"He said he talked to Pastor Bare, the head pastor of the American church they meet in and are now part of again. He claims to have talked to the man 2 hours. I doubt any part of that was true. He claims they were talking about me. The man asked where his wife was... His voice got weird. He said he cried. Then the fake voice disappeared. He asked, (asked) could he and the kids come to my church on Sunday. I don't bar anyone. I have in the past invited him. Begged him when we needed someone to translate our sermons. He then said he didn't like my pastor, and that he was fat. Like that had anything to do with anything. And he was just being mean because my pastor has never been fat or even beefy. Anyway. He says the man is coming over Sunday and wants my pastor so they can talk to me. (I'm his wife.) I told him my pastor would love to be there! (changes subject very quickly) He needs me to love him again. I think he's done bad things but I'm mistaken. He wants me to now show my love by going everywhere with him, never being anywhere but by his side. The dream world of a drunk. He gets up quickly knocks his beer, and a glass of water over and races to the bathroom. When he gets back I had to listen to how he almost didn't make it to throw up. Was so trying to just go back to sleep. I begged him to just go to sleep. He had to go over his story again. He'd forgotten all about the whole pastor thing by this time and just kept repeating that I was his wife, trying to sound commanding. He finally did go upstairs. He knocked over a basket that just happened to have sewing pins in it. Didn't even try to pick anything up. Just after that I realized he had my guitar and he was playing it very loud in our son's room. Why the boy was up writing a paper is another story. Nabal is there wanting to play and talk loud. Our girl was asleep, until he woke her up. Nabal does not like the fact that our boy is going into the Marines. I don't either, but for very different reasons. He said he wanted the boy to stay here in the house. He wants the boy to work for him and he (Nabal) will make him big! I want the boy to go away to college. He needs to leave for his sanity. Nabal has been so mean to the boy when he was young. Nabal is trying to keep the boy under his control just like his mother does with them . He's going to drive the boy away for sure. The next morning our girl was in the main bathroom upstairs and when I went by she calls me in and points to dried blood drops on the floor. Then I noticed blood streaked on a towel hanging. I knew what it was, Nabal's nose was bleeding again. Later that day Nabal asks why his nose bleeds. Oh how many times have I told him IT'S BECAUSE YOU DRINK TOO MUCH! "You really think that's why?" When he doesn't drink his nose doesn't bleed, when he does it does.

So, next day I cut the grass. A lot of it hadn't been cut in about a month and a half. At least this time I didn't have to listen to Nabal tell me how he was planning to cut it just that day but I got to it first. He doesn't have time... I was cutting the back and there on the patio was a case of 'Sol' beer. He hadn't been anywhere... I thought he was out. He probably had the CD playing cheesy, my woman left me mariachi music. There on the table stood all the bottles. I had already seen a 40oz in the trash. Wonder why his nose bled... Well, got all the grass cut! Next day our poor girl was simply sleep deprived. She, well everyone in the house has trouble sleeping. We live so very dysfunctionally. I hate it.

Wednesday

Just realized he takes the dog covers off the sofa and sits with his dirty construction pants... It's my grandparents antiques, so one day I'll have the reapolstered. When he is a long distant memory. Just finished cutting the grass. I'm remembering Nabal saying in our early years, "Why do I have a wife if I have to do XYZ for myself?" I'm asking myself the same thing looking down the long clear road of hindsight. He does only the big flashy projects. The fence, once I got tired of waiting and started putting in fence posts. The back patio which everyone loves. The driveway which took 2 years as it sat as a mud hole. Iron rails fell down 13 years ago. They are I guess in the garage still... The upstairs shower is still waiting to be grouted after a year. He just never has time! Of course he spits that at me when he needs something done. "Oh, I guess you don't have time to do this or that for me. You never have time for me." I'm a retainer wife, just like a lawyer. I want to fire my client!

If anyone ever reads these... I'd like to apologize for the mispellings and such. Most of these posts are typed from my phone, even the long ones.

Tuesday

Self fulfilling prophecies, and the men who create them. Nabal calls this morning right at the crucial time of herding everyone out the door and to school. Our boy can't sleep and is always dragging in the morning. Our girl isn't a morning person. I answered and he says, "Hey Lady! (with a smile) get a pen and paper and write this down. Are you ready?" I told him that i was trying to move out the door so no one would be late... So, after I get back I call and he goes into his whine, "I get the impression that you don't want to deal with me anymore." Aside from the fact that that is absolutely true, I do engage for the company. He does this all the time. If I tell him I'll be working he'll call every single time. If I give him hours I'll be out of reach he'll come up with some 'emergency' at the exact same time. The outcome is that- I never answer his calls, I'm not willing to help, I purposefully ignore him, I need to be a team player. He expects life to be dropped when he needs something. I believe they are really test set forth by him that are guaranteed to fail and he has a platform. Much like the platform he was working off of this past Saturday. As we left for our boy's soccer game Nabal was working on his truck, drunk. He has a big F250 and he's 5' 4. He was standing on a folding card table chair that he keeps outside for he and his buddies when they drink. On that was precariously perched an old metal drawer set about a foot in height. As we drove away all I could think was, "There's an accident waiting to happen..." This is our boy's last year of high school. He wants to go into the military next June and still Nabal won't go to his soccer games. When he does all he does is criticize him for not making a goal. The boy is defense and damn good at it! He keeps the other team out, many times by himself. He's revered on all the teams he's on, yet all his dad sees is that he doesn't make goals... Ass! In one way it's better that he doesn't go, but it hurts the boy either way. Nabal would go last year when the boy played on a men's team but would leave if the game wasn't 'good' as he only really likes to look at pro games. It's all about him. If he isn't entertained than he won't go or stay anywhere. All about him. Has he ever done anything purely for someone else? The more I think the more I doubt it.

He has jobs and money coming in. He never counts the monthly bills... I'm getting closer to a job locally! I can not wait for the day when all his money will be his! I won't have to touch a penny.

Monday

Why do I even listen anymore. He says today that because of the money we owe the IRS he's going back to Mex after an anticipated prison term. And will take our boy with him. Realize the boy will be 18 in the spring, has a deep hatred for his dad for abuse, has promised to go into the military, which we are all trying to talk him out of because he's so bright he can join after college. He's wavering between law and physics. And Nabal wants him to become his business manager. Now I Mexico. Just this summer the poor boy expressed dislike for Hispanic people because of the dishonesty of his father and many others around us. Nabal asked if I could handle Sissy... I'd try to clean this place up and rent it and move north as soon as school was up in the spring. But, tomorrow or in an hour he'll be here declaring undying love and trying to find yet another way to get me to bed. And he's already changed and is talking bankruptcy. He's wondering why his truck isn't paid off. When I told him it's because he has a high interest rate. He became the victim, 'I wish I had someone to tell me these things...' Mind you he brought the truck home without consulting anyone. Signed the papers and never called anyone to ask any advice. I told him several years ago to switch the loan during the good times, but he didn't. So, he didn't ask anyone, and when I did advise him he didn't listen. Victim...

Sunday

Another week. Just feeling depressed. I don't seem to be able to move any way, be it forward or backward. Nabal is trying to act normal. Accused of being harsh because I won't sweep every thing under the rug and get back in that bedroom! Now he asks what he can do to make things right... Too little, too late. Always trying to touch me to stroke my skin. I feel revulsion. One minute he's talking the church speak, but it's always soon followed by the outpouring of his real motive- to control a church body. Poor woman who is now their pastor. He never calls her by name still. Either the little lady, or the lady. He still wants to take her and 'run' a church. He wants a church for himself... He was drunk pretty much every day this week, even after church. I've just got to shake this depression. Nabal said this week that his life is over. As soon as he pays all the bills off he's going to die... Maybe another head game. He's trying to talk our boy out of the military. So the boy can run his business for him. Since it would take him a while to make money at physics... Maybe I'm jaded, I just see him being controlling. I just hope in his talking he doesn't push the boy further into his resolve to go into the military.

Sunday

I guess Nabal smoked himself onto cloud 9... Our girl (15) came downstairs and told me he was 'Chinese eyed' and looking at his gospel show. He's giggeling and telling her that she has to go to church with him from now on. I'm all for church but he just makes a mockery of it for the kids... Kids and I have still been sick. This stuff just turns into a chronic sinus event. Nabal was saying he has the same but it's his stomach. He was trying to convince us that we were having stomach problems too... His problem is beer-itis! He can hardly make it to the bathroom anymore... He's just refusing to see what the alcohol is doing to him.

Tonight at almost 11 he told our girl it was too early for her to go to sleep... This week he has been drunk almost every night. He finally did fill his prescription for the cream for his legs.

I'm figuring where the money went. He paid to sneak his brother in t fix his truck. That's not cheap and since his brother was caught, a waste. While his brother was in jail who paid his part for their mother and the man's wife? Now his leg is broken again and the infection is back. Who is generating income for him? Yup, cheaper to have gotten the trucks fixed than all that. And Nabal is always crying about not having money. I'm figuring that's about $5,000 right there! Trucks are all broken down now...

Last week he, after trying to grope me and me in no uncertain terms telling him no. Laughed and said, "You don't think you still belong to me, but you do and always will." He ran up the stairs laughing. Weird I was looking at 'Stranger In My Bed' and 'Enough.' Trying to pick up pointers.

Monday Morning

A day of cleaning up all that didn't get done last week... So the auto insurance company he said was too expensive and he walked away from telling me he never liked the owner is the company he has assigned me to put his trucks on with today. Why? I don't think he's kept up with his payments and he can't blame me. Though he has tried! I made sure I kept completely out of that business. He now claims it was way too expensive. Earlier he said he didn't have time to go pay them. That was after spending 3 days with no work and disappearing most of the day and returning drunk. Oh, and he has court tomorrow. He never had time to put his trucks in the shop. The times I have tried he always has a problem with the people. Everyone is cheating him. I really don't want him back on the same insurance as me... I need time to build my company and I know he's going to block me and try to drain my time. I need clear uninterrupted time which I never seem to find.

Monday

Nabal made food this morning to take to his church to sell. That's the way they raise money. He drives the church van still. I went out to drop our girl with friends and by the time I got home he was already loaded and very happy that he sold all the food. He disappeared for a while and came in drunker. Started telling me about his new pastor, a woman brought in from the old pastor's college. The old pastor is an abuser whose wife tried to leave him until he threatned to gain sole custody of their kids. The new pastor knows about him and she knows enough to watch Nabal. I'm not talking until it's time. If anyone there is interested they can ask any of the hundred or so people in town who have seen him drunk and out partying, or the people from the other church who watched him drink himself drunk while texting and laughing while his drunk workers fought. Informations out there. So, he starts by telling how well she preaches and how smart she is. With a gleam in his eye he tells how the old pastor doesn't go there anymore. Calls it professional courtesy. Then says she has a big problem living in his house. I didn't comment. Then out of nowhere he says, "She talks too much sh*t." What!! And I asked nonchalantly the same. He mumbles about her saying things to the ex-pastor. Abusers circle your wagons!! All this looking for life like an old gossiping woman. Then he tells me she was the churches choice for their church about 10 years ago, but her husband was having an affair. There was glee in his eyes. He goes on to say that if she had listened to God's call then their church would have been better. Did he just really find a way of blaming all their church's woes on the woman because 'her' husband was behaving badly and standing in the way of her not following a request? Yup! Then he goes on about how she can't take the ex-pastor on without her husband. This woman was one of his professors! She carries herself humbly and they will take that as weakness. Neither realize she was brought here with full knowledge of the area head pastor. I would never know the woman's name if I hadn't met her. Nabal refers to her as 'the little woman' never once by name. Maybe she was sent here to blow the sins of these 2 fools open...

I've been really sick with a flu-like virus half of last week. He helpfully told me today I'd gotten behind with the wash. He didn't quite believe I was as sick as I said I was until his church people started getting sick and couldn't move for 3 days. He accusatorially asked what I had. Then 'allowed' me validation since Sister Reina and a man had the same thing. Bully for me! Later after he was really drunk and high he comes downstairs while I was doing wash. "Let's go to sleep mama." then tries a gropeing hug. Turns my stomach to knots. He says in my ear. "I want panochita." Not translating just know it's street vulgar. Then stands up, pouts, and says "You don't like Poppy no more." Then laughs and runs upstairs. Goes and directs the mariachi band as he listens with headphones. Goes out and turns on the Christian channel. And I guess he's passed out. Bat crazy! Earlier I thought I had to go out and got in my truck. The seat was normal, but it reeked of alcohol. I'd just gassed up so knew the milage. He'd made at least one beer run. While drunk... That brings us to now. Back to the business of getting out of here when the sun rises.

Sunday

All the trouble was at the beginning of the week, Wednesday to be exact. Nabal came in late around 11:30. Dinner that night had been breakfast, bacon and omlets with onion, portabellas, tomatoe and cheese. He came downstairs and started in on me about something he wanted me to change about myself then suddenly got up said there was no talking to me and went upstairs. I could hear cast iron banging everywhere. The stove, the floor, then something else I couldn't recognize. I could hear violence in every sound. Finally I went upstairs realizing he was hungry. I had saved some of the sauted veggies for his omelete. He had kielbasa in a small frying pan and much of it was on the floor. Said he wanted nothing from me. My cooking was 'bu-sh*t' all my cooking was... I disappeared back down the steps. Texted the kids to close doors and stay out of his way. I prayed he would pass out as soon as he sat down, and that's just what happened. Thank you Lord! Next morning I found that he had out a clever and had been chopping with it with all his force in the small cast iron pan. That next evening he was home when the kids and I got in. He whistled to us as we came in motioned me to come sit next to him and watch TV. Wasn't happening... For him nothing noteworthy happened. I'm wondering if he is trying to turn a corner. It's my absolute line in the sand if he ever touches me. I'm done already and trying to get myself together. If he hit me it would be instantly over. I don't know if I ever wrote down his explanation for driving the kids and friends while he was drunk. On the church van as soon as he got home from church. He told me while he was sober- Someone had to take them... You weren't around. (I was in school. I would have taken them on the weekend.) He wasn't drunk! After I described his behavior he just said he'd have to speak with the kids. Laughed a little at his antics. Was more amused than anything. This I brought up a few months ago when he was not understanding why I was sleeping in the basement and so distant. He still looked befuddled, probably a ploy to convey the implausability of my rememberances. Well I'm on to that and never fall for it again.

Monday

Funny how kids see stuff and file it... Talking to our boy today and now I'm more certain than ever that company has been kept afloat by the grace of God for years! He told me people will call him and he will forget and they have to call him repeatedly. Nabal won't write anything down... Today he tells me his big old truck has a cracked transmission. He bought a newer one last week that is all he's ever wantedm double cab long bed, but it's an automatic. He comes in and needs gas money. He says he needs to find and buy a truck that uses less gas. Something around $1500. He has a 2005 Nissan Frontier sitting out front with a busted clutch that will cost $1500 to fix... That thought didn't cross his mind until I mentioned it... He has 5 vehicles and only one works. My truck isn't included in the count, nor my car he loaned out to any of his friends who needed a car for months at a time. All any of them ever did was put gas in them. I have had to clean mud and drywall mud out of it. Now it sits because it needs gear oil in the clutch. The last time this happened was about 10 years ago. I bought it and put it in then too. I've been looking for the books to get the right weight. He just runs every vehicle into the ground. It wasn't always like that and it wasn't only when we had money. He got his brother thrown in jail this year trying to sneak into America. Away from his family and business, just to fix his trucks... The rest of his cars? A half finished Studebaker. And a Galaxie he hasn't touched since his bad drinking a few years ago. It's rusting out in the yard. I did get him to get rid of a skelotal Mustang that had vines growing inside once I started getting mice in the house. Our lovely back yard where we once cooked out, put up tents for birthdays and spent a lot of time just enjoying is now a junk yard. Lots of broken crap collected from all over. Oh, and a boat... big boat. All of us refused to go out on it with him... knows nothing about the sea, drinks like a fish, smoked weed like there's a shortage and is fairly immature. Nope! Not getting trapped on the water with that! I'm just trying to pull a company together ASAP!