Thursday, October 13, 2011

Thursday

Oh how I hate thee, let me count the ways...

Where do I start this week. Tuesday after his church he tied one on and decided he wanted to talk to me about our marriage. He keeps telling me I'm mad. (as in angry) I'm not angry, I'm a lot of things, but angry isn't one of them. He gets me angry. The other day I was talking business on the phone and he comes up and tries to kiss me on the mouth while I'm talking... Them makes a loud kissing noise on my cheek. He could hear I was on a business call. He does this all the time when I'm on the phone. He got me angry when he said that my being angry was going to tear our family apart. Me? His drinking, drugging, womanizing and just plain bad behavior has me despising him. And the children... no respect whatsoever. They border on hatred for him. I am the one standing in the way of our children's spiritual growth... I cut loose there, just couldn't contain it. I told him his bad behavior is what puts the kids off. He stared at me with feigned innocence and told me they follow me. So in the middle of all this he says I think he has done more bad things than he actually has. My take on life is that we only see the tip of the iceberg. He apologized for not being perfect... and implied that that is what I was what I required. There is a lot of ground between his actions and perfection. I ran this past my pastor just to see if I was taking this all wrong, because I know this is a way to use 'religion' on me. I even told Nabal that no one is perfect. The pastor clarified it for me. He said, "Perfection is not really an issue here. The issue is willfully doing things than expecting no repercussions." Well, that is it in a nut shell. Nabal is still making excuses. He is sticking with the story that he did try to get with some women, but it didn't work out... That raised even the pastor's eyebrow. Seems I'm not the the only one who sees it as a backhanded compliment type thing. But he just keeps on saying it like it's supposed to clear everything up... He asked why I was acting like I do towards him. I told him he had pushed me too far. His reply, "What's too far for you?" Answering a question with a question... haven't I read something about that? He said he's trying... he's going to church! What more do I want? Entering a building makes you nothing, it's what you carry in your heart into the building that makes the man, or woman for that matter. I told him I acted the way I do because I'm watching my back. He said, "You don't know, you never looked back there. I'm back there watching your back." He denies that for 2 years he was looking at me like he was trying to figure how to do away with me and not get caught. I don't trust him anymore and less as days go by. Then his continence changed ever so slightly and he said, "You're all mine and always will be. So why are you acting like this?" That made my blood run cold. Very cold... He doesn't really care about anything other than property.

Last night I worked the evening. Our daughter said he came in with a beer and was already trashed. She was talking on the phone to an old boyfriend and he himself suffered under an abusive drunk. He and a friend came and got her. I'd asked her to come with me she declined, because we never know what he's going to be like when he hits the door. It's been a while since he hit the door already drunk, and usually he goes to church for a while on Thursdays before he gets plowed. I got home and he was in a foul mood. not liking that the girl had gone off with 2 boys. I just walked back out the door. He was ranting that nothing good was going to come from her being with boys. I'm not that crazy about her being out all the time either, but being home with a demanding, unpredictable drunk is now the greater evil. He again tells me it's my fault because they follow me and he doesn't agree with my way of thinking. He does have a little old Mexico, ok a lot. Girls hang with girls, and boys try to 'get' girls but hang with boys only when that doesn't work out.

Later he was drunker. Our boy had just come in from work and was going to eat late when Nabal told him to drive him to the store to get more beer, When they got back home the boy wasn't hungry anymore and went down the street to visit friends. He was going to try to go to sleep early... Nabal doesn't see, care or give a crap how he effects anyone around him. Then he started in on me. "I know you want to be somewhere else with someone else, you always have. You never loved me!" Funny, as I write this I realize that first sentence is exactly what he told me last winter when he said he was leaving... projection. Then he says, "You picked me so you are stuck. You are never going anywhere." Then he laughed a really evil laugh as he walked away and repeated. "You picked me." I was tired and took a shower and laid down to sleep. it was about 12 o'clock. he comes downstairs to use the bathroom, "Are you sleeping?" I answered yes and he says. "Why it's early!" I said because I'm tired. His reply, "Why? What have you done today?" Then he goes upstairs, trips, recovers, and turns the TV up very loud playing mariachi music. Why can't the kids sleep? Why do they have a hard time falling asleep? Such a selfish bastard! The worst thing to do at those times is to ask him to turn it down because then a fight ensues and which is worse. If we ignore him he quickly forgets and starts doing something else.

Wednesday I came in from church, he amazingly was not drunk. I'm warming up the soup. It was there but no one ate yet. So dysfunctional. He asks me for tea as I hand him his bowl. The stove is full, I'm filling bowls frying tortilla strips for tortilla soup and he keeps asking where his tea is. Our daughter got his cup, finally the water is boiling. Tea made. He gets up to go to the bathroom and stops to ask if I remembered to put sugar in. I tell him, as he stands there that the tea is ready and yes has sugar. I noticed a few minutes the tea is still there. Then he's whistling, and saying something. I realized he was wanting me to wait on him... Really! WTF? I see it as a ploy to accomplish an attitude of servitude. Luckily our daughter passed by at that time. I asked her to take it into the living room and give it to him. So damn dysfunctional. After I went downstairs and plugged in my phone to charge I noticed I had a call. It had been on silent from my evening in church. He'd called me at 10:05. I got home at 9:45. I just know he was calling about his damn tea!

This all has cemented my thought that he is not going to let me out of this marriage. He is going to get very dangerous if I try, but I will die a little every day if I don't get out. I have to think of the kids. One is leaving after this year and Nabal wants him to continue to live in the house and go to college here. I'm almost sure that's why the boy wants to go into the military, to get away from this house of horrors. But with just our girl here I have to get out. I just have to. I know he sees her free spirit and hates it. She is an observer and learned a long time ago to not let him see her sweat anything. He once threw a cup of water in her face when he was drunk just to see emotion. He laughed and looked like the cat that caught the canary. He doesn't really like her and she keeps her distance from him, but his overwhelming want, need to control may come to the forefront when it's just her and me. Nabal is turning into a loose cannon.

His stomach is on the rise again. He's drinking more.

Last night he gave all of us $100 then told us to buy something that makes us happy. He was very smug. Buying affection. I stashed it in my winter food fund. Just last week he was complaining about where the money goes, then I see he has cashed 2 checks one for $300 and one for $500 in two days. He said some woman in a deli called him stupid today. I am sure that's what brought on his ire tonight. She was a 'black' lady. I was wondering why he was telling me that I thought he was stupid and dumb. I told him to take his business elsewhere. He tells me he unlike me doesn't have all day to go different places. When he told me where he went I asked him why he didn't go to the big gas station next door. He said, "They don;t have food." This is what the outcome of this is- The gas station not only has food, they have 3 different order windows to get different foods and their gas is at least 5 cents cheaper... Right across the service road... in fact you have to drive past it to get to the one he likes to go to. I'm betting some woman works there he likes to flirt with... When I told him about the next door gas station he dropped the subject. You can look at the two places and see which one has more stuff... So, we all had to suffer because he got into a pissing match with some ignorant local woman...

No comments:

Post a Comment