Monday

I look around this last day of winter and realize I really haven't given a damn about much in a very long time. All my life people put me down and pick me up when they think of it, when it's convenient. Mostly family. I've done that to dearest friends in the past...because I couldn't see anyone staying around. I've learned not to grieve over lost people in my life, for me it's normal. They fade. I have tried to change things for my kids, tried to make them always feel wanted. I know people do the best they can at a given time, but it doesn't make the outcome feel any better. Maybe this is why my own company has never felt alone. Once I felt completely accepted but I couldn't recognize it until after I didn't believe in it's reality. One of the few bitter loses in my life. It may be why I settled for the stilted existence I found in Nabal. Alone looks like such a life of bliss compaired to the last almost 20 years. Companionship is overated I'm sad to say. I'm sad at the passing of winter this year. It was a mild winter. Winter is cold and dark like me inside. I love the snow because of it's cold beauty and that it dampens sound. If you listen closely you can hear flakes hitting the ground. Spring...new life, new beginnings, only a reminder of my not yet having that yet. Happy smiling faces, I'll have to pretend again. Maybe I have reverse S.A.D... Summer, maybe hot, dry and desolate. Would fit into this hot unsatisfying winter. We have both been restless, unfocused and didn't live up to expectations. Summer, at least I can swim in the healing waters of the sea. Maybe the waves will wash away more fog and sharpen my focus.