Friday

Aaaaaaaaaaaah! So frustrating the mood changes, the pretended innocense. Every night this week he hasn't been drunk he comes down to the basement where I sleep and informed me he's going to sleep and seeking a goodnight kiss. Huh? I moved out of my room. I sleep in the basement. And when I move or decline his advances I'm mad, angry. oh, and he doesnt understand why. Riiiight. I must be a little nutty... mad for no reason at all... Well, except for years of hell.

They Take From Us

Where did the gold to make the Aaron’s golden calf came from? Not from the guys pushing for this idolatrous expression, but from their DEPENDENTS—the earrings worn by their “wives, sons, and daughters” (Exodus 32:2). We should not be unaware that our failures before God tend to impoverish those we love.

It doesn’t matter whether we sin out of stupidity or because of malice. Our sins NEVER have a positive effect on those around us. There is no such thing as a victimless crime.

The writings of a friend of mine, never has a truer word been said. We are impoverished because of drinking, drugging and womanizing. The first recognition of it knocked me down. I've been climbing out ever since. Our children are sad and depressed, they don't believe in their strengths. Even those he tried to take from them. They settle for less and look for the familiar. Why? He doesn't want anyone to 'get away' from his control. He uses energy of others, a vampire of sorts making his own kind to terrorize other families. He hides his dirt in the darkness while wearing a mask in the light to hide his true nature. Seeking the accolades of weak, naive people.

Thursday

I feel so frustrated. So all alone. I don't know where to begin in anything... I just can't seem to make the money I need to. I need to purge the house. No one helps. I get attitude most often when I ask for help. I'm up to my neck in laundry from our girl's room.. I ask them to separate out clothes that don't fit. I wash then, they never come get them. Their clothes are piled up on the ironing board. They pick what they need for that day. No one cleans up after themselves. I should have fought harder. Nabal always made the proclimation that his mom could keep their house clean, my mom...no. So it hit home. I used to be able to keep up, then it all got away. I'm so overwhelmed on all fronts. I'm so afraid I'm going to worry myself sick. No one can help now. A lot of things need to change, leave and be settled.

Tonight Nabal called at 10:12, demanding to know where I was. As if I were the one MIA... I've been home doing laundry all day. The dirt bike is still in the livingroom, Nabal made a crack, but never offered to help move it or make room for it in the garage.

Tonight he had just complimented our girl on how nice she looked. She was telling me about her school cracking down on shorts. They have to be 6 inches above the knee. Her's today were too short, not booty shorts, just not meeting the requirements. Nabal then jumped her on her shorts. The same shorts he had just complimented with her outfit as looking very nice. What he said never did make sense.

He called early and (I swear asked me to wash his jeans he wore yesterday) evidently he asked me not to wash them... I had to go look for them. I usually don't. Guess I laundered his stash... Wouldn't be the first.

Wednesday

Nabal got the car back here on a trailer. Our girl said that Nabal and the protege were sitting in the car, which was still on the trainer in the street getting high. It was raining and our girl is sheltering a large dirt bike and was struggling to get it out of the rain. Her father and his buddy just looked on and continued getting high... He didn't talk, barked what he needed in an estimate and as I worked up the estimate Nabal decided it would be a good time to try and grab and kiss me as if it were an every day happening as if we were getting along in any way. I shooed him away. It just all feels creepy. No love involved, just control. I was doing what he asked and he thought it meant I was somehow going to go along with anything he wanted done...

Tuesday

Nabal blew a gasket this morning after coming in from the tax preparer. He even figured a way to blame me. Said I hadn't told him to take some things. As I left the house the day before going to a funeral about 2 hours away, he was talking to his buddy the preparer. He talked to the preparer to get what he needed to take and I got some things together and labeled them. He is mad because he has to pay to get them done and the previous years straightened out. He really wants me to do them and blames me for not doing them, but I can't do company taxes, not with all the things he has going on. I so hope I can do my taxes separately this year. Later the car he was driving broke down on him a ways down in the county. Our boy finished all his work and has finished high school.

I realized I lead a solitary existence and that's gotta stop...

Monday

Fist thing I have to clarify is I do have a few good friends, but I wouldn't feel comfortable being a burden to any... And there it is. Nabal has some things going on that may be from his drinking or may not. I told him go to the doctors or chiropractor. He wants me to be responsible for him. I know a little about herbs, a little more about muscles, but his problems, because of the excessive drinking I won't touch. He has had numbness on his outer left thigh for months now and a pain in his back about the spot of that nerve trunk. I'm not touching it. I could work on a muscle that might be involved but I won't because it's near the groin and I don't feel like hearing his dirty remarks that he is sure to make. And I refuse to be sucked into being responsible for him. Last night when he asked for help with his back I did a little, but he tried to take advantage of proximity. Nope... I'm still thinking very seriously of putting my FB down for a while. Just one less place he can get into my head.

Sunday

Aaaaand Nabal's drinking again. He gets drunk and wants me to 'fix' his back... What he really wants is to try and cop a feel. Yeah that's pissing me off. He's been trying to force affection and accountability all day. Thank goodness he is gone to his church for 3-5 hours then I go to prayer. This evening he forces his way into my personal space and says he can feel us getting closer. He's still with the dirty videos on YouTube. I know they don't have anything crazy on it, but our boy has noticed them on his account and wondered who was looking at the trask. Bad coming from a 17 year old... He has a new stalk a Miss. Gutierez I think they are cousins. The way things are looking doesn't surprise me... A lot of these women are now divorced and kinda dress like kids. Ok, they look like strippers. He's gonna find his dirty girl! I'm hoping he'll just go, but I know I'm gonna have to be the one so he can play poor unappreciated one. At times I wonder if he's thinking his behavior will push me one way or the other. I'm sure he doesn't care which way because if I crack he figures he'll have someone he can walk all over, and if I break it all off he'll beg while he hunts down new meat so he can get sympathy. Then he will get nasty, especially once he finds someone. That's the part that gets me shaking. Our boy found the protege passed out in his bed with foam on his mouth. Said ole caring Nabal was nudging him with his foot to try and wake him. Our boy ended up having to wake him and get him walking. Really gotta grow a pair... I feel so alone. I have no family that can help, friends are old and distant and this is my problem to deal with. I don't have but a few who I tell any of this stuff to. I learned long ago to write what I feel. There are none who I'm close to anymore. No one, and all that's on me. I walked away from every one of them. Who can help anyway? I'm not a teen, I'm old. I should know my way in the world.

Saturday

Nabal now fills his solitude with stalking Mary Simms FaceBook and gay and lesbian YouTube porn videos... He's suddenly noticed all the things wrong with the house and trying to fix them. 16 years in September and he's finally noticing that the house needs upkeep. Again, too little too late! I guess this is his remodeled citizen act since he realized he couldn't bully me anymore. Not gonna work, I know it's all surface and for effect. He sits here in the basement making kissing noises, to me like when you call a dog. "Come give me a kiss! Come hold my hand. Mamaaaa! Sit with me." He finally leaves but stops to try to kiss my arm. I pulled it away. His response, "I don't know why you so mad mama?" Mad? Mad? I answered him no, and asked why would I want to sit with him, kiss him or anything him. Then he asked if I wanted to go out to dinner with him. Again no. Nabal started to pick up trash left over from he and a few friends looking at movies. He said he was going to do it because the boy wouldn't or he'd just take it to the kitchen. The boy will be 18 in two weeks, he can pick up after himself. Nabal is all siked up to throw him a party... After years of neglecting the boy's birthday all together. He is testing my patience... Instead of his intended purpose they are indeed just pissing me off. Trying to 'accidentally touch me. Worse than some pimpley faced teen octopus... Figured it out! Our boy said Nabal was outside with the guys who were getting blatoed and they asked him if he wanted beer. He told them he didn't drink...they laughed. He told them he'd given up alcohol and cigarettes. (he doesn't smoke cigs...) I guess he figures that his 2 or 3 days not drinking have made has made him a a changed man and we are back to old times. NOT! He was saying he wanted to pull the sofa bed out so we could sleep together. Not! He disappeared and didn't return. I'm sure wondering why I didn't respond to his changes. I never even noticed...

Friday

I'm officially getting confused. Nabal is acting normal. I know what he does that he thinks I don't have a clue of. I know he is putting up a front to suck me back in. I have a forgiving nature and I know it's being played upon. I have gotten so used to 'getting over' bad behavior... I had a good work day, maybe I'm just tired. I also had to, in the middle of it all help Nabal order some material. I'm starting to fee sorry for him. Maybe it's part of his plan. He has been trying to make me feel responsible for him. It's weird, he still comes and goes without a word when he feels like it, yet comes and announces that he's going to take a shower. He then stands there like he's awaiting my approval. He even at times repeats himself and asks me is that ok. He is trying to make me feel as if he's a son? It would be a young son... My 17 year old doesn't act like that. I've got to hold on to the truths I know. So many phases he's gone through. Maybe he's just finally hit on one that affects me. It would be dumb luck and make sense that one in a hundred should work. I think I've been conditioned all my life to forgive bad behavior then forget it. Especially with family. Funny, as I think about that favor has not been extended to me very often in life. I really try not to throw things in peoples faces to score points. Me? It usually gets piled on, at times exaggerated. Whatever... I haven't tasted forgiveness very often at all. I guess proof Karma is just imagination. Some days I'm sure God's the only one who I'll get forgiveness from. Went upstairs and Nabal asks why I don't turn the AC on... number one he's been here as long as I have, but two is more important. I asked if he'd opened the windows. Nope! Then he comments that the screen is ratty. Gee! Been that way 3 years... I used to keep up with it before I went back to school. He got cute about an outlet last week. It was upside down. I let him know it sat broken for almost 3 years and I put it in. If he cared so much he could turn it. He shut up.

Thursday

Nabal has been running in and out all day, everytime asking if I want to go to dinner. When he leaves he acts like never before... "Leaving baby, give me a kiss." Never has he done this, I have through the years had to remind him of a kiss goodbye during the years I tried, years I cared. He's leaving no stone unturned, it's still too little way too late. I clarified a thought today: I don't ever want to be in a car with Nabal again. No matter who is driving Nabal tries to grab at me. When he's driving it's better but there's only so far that I can go. When I'm driving he's grabbing and giggeling. It's been a really long time since I've driven with him. It was so bad I only did once when he drove and once when I drove. I expected him to have better sense with me driving a truck. He just can't resist a chance to instill the idea of ownership. Tonight he had to announce that he was looking at the local real estate site. We haven't paid this mortage this month. He doesn't even realize... I'm thinking he has no real concept of money. He owes his guys, we are at least a month behind on all our bills except gas and water, paid that!. But I have gotten it to only a month! I work tomorrow, thank God! I'm getting that website done. Yay! I can't do this another year and our state takes such a long time to finalize divorces. There are times I get so emeshed in my work I almost forget. I can't go back. I can't afford to forget. If I don't owe it to myself, I do owe it to my daughter. She needs to see me chose to leave and follow through.

Wednesday

Nabal drunk ass usual. I've been working on a website I started last year, but felt guilty 'wasting' time. Luckily it's free with my insurance. I keep telling myself, 'people get paid to do this, you are not doing nothing.' Funny, Nabal is rather gruff on the phone, but jovial when he appears in person. Wonder if he's trying to confuse me again or if he realizes what he's doing at all? Went to church like every Wednesday and got home to 2 drunks...as usual. The kitchen trash can so full of beer bottles you can't see the trash beneath, 12oz and 40s. Nabal's breath smells like pure alcohol. I know because everyone fell asleep early and Nabal had driven away in his truck so I decided I'd go on downstairs and get in bed too before he came back. Cuts out a lot of talking to a drunk chatter. As usual he came to the basement to use the bathroom. I'm still trying to figure out why... Returning he tried to find me in the dark to kiss me. Bleck! It's pitch black down here and covers were pulled over my head. He gave up, but I could smell the alcohol. All the main room lights burned out. They are fairly expensive halogen spots so I just haven't bought more. When they were in Nabal would turn the lights on all hours of the night and wake me to drunk talk a bunch of stupid junk. I let the ones that are controlled from the top of the step burn out last year just after I moved down here. I thought that it would deter Nabal from venturing down at night. I was wrong... He will come down here at 4 in the morning when everyone is knocked out just to use the restroom and that does puzzel me.

Monday

I look around this last day of winter and realize I really haven't given a damn about much in a very long time. All my life people put me down and pick me up when they think of it, when it's convenient. Mostly family. I've done that to dearest friends in the past...because I couldn't see anyone staying around. I've learned not to grieve over lost people in my life, for me it's normal. They fade. I have tried to change things for my kids, tried to make them always feel wanted. I know people do the best they can at a given time, but it doesn't make the outcome feel any better. Maybe this is why my own company has never felt alone. Once I felt completely accepted but I couldn't recognize it until after I didn't believe in it's reality. One of the few bitter loses in my life. It may be why I settled for the stilted existence I found in Nabal. Alone looks like such a life of bliss compaired to the last almost 20 years. Companionship is overated I'm sad to say. I'm sad at the passing of winter this year. It was a mild winter. Winter is cold and dark like me inside. I love the snow because of it's cold beauty and that it dampens sound. If you listen closely you can hear flakes hitting the ground. Spring...new life, new beginnings, only a reminder of my not yet having that yet. Happy smiling faces, I'll have to pretend again. Maybe I have reverse S.A.D... Summer, maybe hot, dry and desolate. Would fit into this hot unsatisfying winter. We have both been restless, unfocused and didn't live up to expectations. Summer, at least I can swim in the healing waters of the sea. Maybe the waves will wash away more fog and sharpen my focus.

Sunday

Today Nabal looks rough. A week of drinking every day celebrating Pablito getting out of the state institution has taken a toll. Pablito has medicine he's been court ordered to take (evidently not alcohol cessation meds...) and it costs $1,000 a month. He washes them down with beer at the end of the night... Our boy told me that today the Protege was being baptized. I wonder if Nabal will officiate...?

Last night Nabal was so drunk that when a Dentastix commercial came on (the one with the dogs smiling with 'people' teeth) he went on for a while about dog dentures... I told him they have been doing dental care for dogs for years, but he was pretty insistent that they were giving dogs dentures that people wear. Just let it go and shook my head.

Saturday

Drunk again... The phone rang and he raced to get it, I wondered why. I found out in the end that it was a friend of mine from around town. He talked for a while and I didn't know who he was talking to. He kept leaving the room. Finally he gave me the phone. She said he tried to say goodbye without letting me talk to you. (this isn't the first time) They were talking about some guy she met at the soup kitchen she works in and it just so happened to be the drunk that used to live with the protege. The one that they were looking for liquor for when he was having the DTs. She told me Nabal during the conversation said he had lots of dirt on the guy. We think it's because they were talking about church, maybe Nabal thought the guy would tell on him or something. Later her phone died, it was late and our conversation was winding down so I just let her call back if she wanted. when she did call back Nabal raced to answer it again then ran into the wall moving away from me. He was all chummy, chummy then suddenly his voice changed. The one that makes me jump... "So, why do you want to talk to my wife?" WTF! Then to playing again... FInally did give the phone to me, stumbling across the living room and telling the person on the phone how weird I was but if they still wanted to talk to me fine... He was also pretty odd acting with our girl. He was demanding she turn on some show he was looking at on the TV where she was already watching something. He became very insistent. She just kept telling him no. In the end he said she needed to cover herself and walked out. She is at home, looking at TV. He's just trying to send a barb because she didn't do what he wanted. When he went back to his room Nabal turned off all the lights in the house. I was still sitting there talking on the phone!

Friday

I truly hate when Nabal comes up and in a 'playful' voice says, besito, besito! I saw no. I turn my head. He giggles and kissea my cheek, at times tries to stretch and get my lips. What I really hate is when he tries todrop his hands casually and cop a feel...

Read about another woman stuck, said her husband would always grab her butt. She knows, just like I know, it's to sends a signal that we are property, their property. Property has no rights for an owner except those given... Breaking away is so very hard.

Deprograming ourselves takes time, years of time. This is something even I myself didn't understand until I woke up. I am still not sure what woke me in the beginning. There are sign posts of things I see now as my mind, my soul trying to keep me awake, get me free. Somewhere, at sometime along the way he must have gotten too sure of himself and crossed a line. I started to question things. Maybe it was when he decided to try and take our girl down. Maybe it was when I knew he was lying about some dealings with our boy. Maybe it was something he did. Maybe all of that. A dear young friend who grew up with a father like Nabal and has had a brief stretch back at home wrote today on FaceBook: Do not accept disrespect out of respect. He is leaving soon and Godspeed to him. Another thing that has always peeved me is any time I'm doing nails or regular lady maintenance Nabal always asks, "Are you going out?" I haven't figured the message yet, but I know it has always bristled me. What people don't understand, what I just noticed is that there is a certain tone of voice that these people take that makes our blood run cold. Makes the hair stand on end. Heart races and stomach clenches. We, have one eye on them because we know things are getting unstable and anything could happen. The other eye? Forcing ourselves to give up no outward sign, stop any trembling, calm ourselves, and wonder if we are having a heart attack...

Again with the, "You're sleeping with me tonight right?" NO... Playful disbelief is my answer. Damn! Them a chuckle and, "I'm going to sleep..." I say goodnight without looking up. "Besito?!" Like maybe I'm not sure of what I'm saying. Like I'm being a petulant child... God help me make enough money. This month nothing has been paid. His last money he gave the kids $100 each, but didn't pay his bill at his masonry supplier... Soon, just soon.

Thursday

I have figured it out, doesn't make it any easier... He is cycling daily, sometimes hourly to try to suck me in. After last night he and the protege have been sleeping most of the day. He has gone between brisk and demanding to trying to be affectionate. This evening he starts off a conversation, "So, your going to sleep with me tonight right?" This in the most normal, consilatory voice. I said no. He later asks me have I thought about his request. To be honest I had not given it a moments thought. I said again no. Every time I said no he pretended to understand me as saying yes. "You said yes?" He's trying to throw me off it's an ingrained pattern after 20 years, but I've come a long way in the last 5 of those 20. I am remembering back to 2007 when I was swimming every day and running. I lost 40 lbs, got to a comfortable weight and fit into clothes I like to wear, classic. That is the time I can mark him starting to slide back into the bottle. Really? Was he really that upset with me looking better that he had to do his passive aggressive punishing behavior he didn't 'like.' Well, I can still feel the pull of the conditioning a little. It has nothing to do with love, but pity. He ends up making his requests in the same weideling voice he uses to talk to the dogs when he's drunk. The hardest thing is when he crosses bounderies. He goes to FB and looks at all Mary's pics then comes and tries to talk me into his bed. It's such an uphill battle. The other day when I made mention of his daliances with Mary as one reason I'm done. His reply, "She just plays games!" Oh, I should be grateful she wasn't serious?! Gee, not because he has an ounce of morals...

Wednesday

Nabal came home after I came in from church at 9:20 pm. He was drunk as usual on a Wednesday night. He's drinking with the protege and Pablito... Yes, the young man with alcoholic psychosis... Our boy told me they were drinking a few nights ago and Pablito had just finished off 3- 40's. Nabal just scoffs at his diagnosis and encourages the man to drink. Our boy says he was telling stories about his 'crazy' actions. I believe he's dangerous. I think of all this and Nabal saying he wants to start a group to help drunks and drug addicts. They are all getting drunker outside under the big tree out front. He turned up his nose at the woman who lived across the street who drank and drugged, yet he's just as bad, if not worse because she didn't try to play pius. He asked me if I would take him to church this Sunday. I told him he has always been welcome there. He says, "No, I want you to take me. Now how are you going to work that since you leave early?" He did say his church wasn't going well. Maybe they are all catching onto his dealings. In God's hands.

(Nabal came in at 2:30 a.m. Banging into walls waking the house. The protege never did come in...)

The Little Things

The tumbler of beer that has been sitting on the coffee table for 3 days- I don't clean behind drunks.

The white bath towel that Nabal whiped his greasy half washed hands on- there are older hand towels hanging, you have done this for years.

The mountain of clay on the bathroom floor under the dirty clothes- since we moved here I've told Nabal it's not just disrespectful it tears up the floors and I'm the one who refinished the floors.

The way he believes that dirt left in the house by him is a reflection of my housekeeping, not his utter disrespect.

That our boy believes he can picture his dad dropping dead and not bat an eyelash, in fact say that it would free all of us to live finally- Fathers don't frustrate your sons.

When you told me that if what I was doing to make money didn't bring in as much money as you did that it was unimportant and I needed to stop- you expected me to be at your beck and call even if you only need me to do something only once a week.

When you flipped money on the bed and asked how much for sex- men love your wives even as Christ loved the church, laying down his life for it.

Tuesday

And in the bloody morning after, the tin soldier acts like he doesn't remember. I say acts because he either remembers vaguely or is trying to distance himself from what he did say. I can pick it up in his inflections.

Why would you pretend it's a game to try and force a kiss on someone? Why on a phone call would you demand that someone send you a kiss... One day a tyrant throwing down egg shells, daring you to tread on them, the next rolling back the clock to a kinder gentler time... When was that exactly? When I was sleeping the fog of altered reality. Head games and mind f*(ks, passive aggressive mind bending. I'm almost immune, but it will forever make me tremble deep down, fear breeds hatred.

There is a long gap in writing here. I feel obliged to explain. It isn't because anything in any way shape or form got better. At times it was because I was so tired of it all or so outdone and depressed I didn't even want to write. Also because they say one thing you can do is not let them fill your thoughts, an obsession. They have placed themselves to always be at the front of your mind. How? The constant emergencies that you have to drop everything and handle for them, the accusations that will follow any missed call, obsessing over perfection because no matter what any blame is laid at your door. Having your thoughts, opinions and tastes scoffed at or ridiculed. Having your wants and needs overlooked. You wait, forgetting how to plan a day because every time you do there's an interruption. When the question is asked, "Are you busy?" and you answer honestly like you would answer anyone else. Letting them know what you are in the middle of at the moment, the reply is, "Oh, so I guess you are too busy for me." That would be enough on it's own, but clothe it in accusation mixed with annoyance and the outcome is guilt. How dare you put anything before them, (like you always do!) You hustle to prove that they are of importance, that contrary to their beliefs you care, you are not selfish. How many times have you been told you don't really love a person, to knock yourself out proving it, only to be told that it's ok, they realize you are incapable, but they love you anyway. Now I look back and get mad... I'm starting to let myself off the hook, I was likable before. People didn't think I was an unfeeling, uncaring narcissist before I met you. This must be connected to you. How have you managed to bring out the worst in me, the weakest? I am finding myself again, mirrored in the eyes of people who knew me and know me. People who wonder where I got to. I feel guilty for forsaking them, I feel like I betrayed them, but I seek them to remind me who I am. You have molded your perfect target and I'm breaking that mold. Feel free to go find another more malleable subject. I am steel again.

Monday Night

He hit the house drunk and in a weird mood. Nabal told a big wapping lie about our boy and his girlfriend. Never came out and said it but tried to tell the story to sound dirty. I knew he was lying for various reasons, but wondered why he was telling it. Then gets into an argument about religion. I had dinner ready, asked was he ready to eat. He went into his speil of not eating all day. I finally said, "If you can afford beer you can afford food." He said someone loaned him beer money. People loan money for beer, not food. I wouldn't know because I know nothing about people... He went and got more beer, then ate. Later he comes downstairs, "You don't want me anymore. You want someone else. Sorry I can't be perfect." While blowing alcohol beer breath in my face. Really irks me, his acting like I woke one morning to a bucolic marriage and flipped out! I knew it would come to this! He asks, "Are all Christians alike?" I said, "They should be, but no." He goes into a tyrade about how Christians turn their backs on you when you are broke and only like you when you have money. Really?! Nothing to do with maybe word of his behavior outside of church getting around? He said, "I'm done with them! Don't want to deal with them anymore!" Wow, wonder if he's going to step down from his deacon position? Stop teaching? (that I hope stops, blind leading the blind) I also noticed, he did not include himself as a Christian. Wonder what tomorrow will bring, will he remember any of this. He wanted to know had I sent a bill. I said no he had to drop by the bank and get it notarized. He decided it was too much work and wasn't working for them anymore. Interesting night. I understand he is depressed because we are so low on money. We should have had tens of thousands saved, if not a hundred... He wanted it in his checking account so he could spend it, and he did. All of it. We have been poor before not a big problem for me. He wants to spend like old time. We have so much debt now...

Monday

In my house... Trash hits the floor and stays there until I pick it up. Things get moved and knocked over, others step over them and keep on going. Beer bottles have taken over every container in the yard, both front and back. Beer bottle caps are insidious, everywhere you look there they are: under cushions, in chairs, behind anything you move to clean. I have stepped on them and about broke my neck. The floor is in places sticky with spilled beer. They stand out when mud caked boots trod over them. Trails of dried mud lead in and out the door and thru the house. The bathtub looks like it belongs at some frat beach house. White towels thrown on the floor stained red from clay caked shoes. Dirty, mortar soaked jeans line my sofa. My roof is tattered and torn, God has angels stand over it with umbrellas during storms of that I'm positive. The kitchen worked in, yet never cleaned. Food left out because of a myth about refrigerators. Some days I don't see any of it, this isn't one of those days. Today it all makes me sad, very sad.

Tonight? And drunk again...naturally.

Sunday

In my own little corner of my own little room, I can be anything I want to be... Cinderella. I hide in the basement, I hide in the bathroom, I hide in the laundry room behind mountains of clothes. I hide wherever I have to. When he's drunk if I stay out of sight long enough he forgets I'm here. I realized this morning that I am clinching my teeth in my sleep again. Last night he made burritos. He brought me one while I was doing laundry. He was drunk. I declined and said thank you, I wasn't hungry. He insisted, "I made it for you." That struck a nerve, my mother would go buy me butt ugly clothes, not because I needed them, but because she liked to shop. I'd say thank you but they are not my style. She would try to guilt me, "I spent all that time shopping and you don't appreciate it." Finally after years and mountains of unworn clothes I finally said, "But I didn't ask you to." She didn't know what to do with that answer either, but I gained some respect. Nabal insisted I take it, talking to me like I was a baby or addle minded. Finally I took it to shut him up. Then he insists I take a bite so he can see. I lost it, "I am not hungry. I am trying to be polite and straight with you." He snatched it back and took a bite as he left the room. Control. He passed out shortly after and I was free to breath again. I kinda know no one will ever read this. Well, unless something happens to me. I don't put it past him. I am a big ball of fear. I feel I can't move fast or far enough to get away.

Saturday

Difficult night... Nabal came home drunk. His FaceBook wasn't open so he called me in to close our girl's and open his. He bellowed for me and asked where all those people came from. Claimed he didn't friend them. I could see his niece had been playing farmville... He saw another girl's pic where she had commented on his brother's status after he commented. His voice was so accusatory. It would have been amusing except for the fact that I flinched with each accusation. Then he moved onto our girl. The child was home all day and had just gone out to dinner with friends. That was 20 question never saying or making any accusation, but the tone was like an inquisition... I could hear myself stumbling over words... He tried to talk me into taking the A class license test. Told me he almost passed he was sure I could pass it. Told him he should study again and he would. He pulled his scores out, he'd missed almost all the contractor legal and conduct questions. Why I don't want my name on his company. Then tells me he wants to buy a house, fix it ans sell it. Later he says we all move into it. Exclaims his undying love. Says he has been nothing but loving and I'm mean. Said he never went out with Mary and she played games. Later said I pushed him to it. I asked how I could push him to do something he didn't do. He said he was too old for this conversation. Said I was looking for an excuse to get rid of him as he hadn't done anything. Claimed to have acted the same way all 20 years. Later told me he was working his way back up to leave. Told me I had to work with him to make our family work. All of that is in order of occurrence. Last he asked how I could force him to marry then let him go. I was being unfair. He tried hugging, breathing sour alcohol breatg in my face. I left the house and came back in, the house smelled like alcohol. Nabal sent a drunk protege out to drive and buy more beer. Luckly he couldn't find a place open. Usually he fusses about how he hates when the protege drives drunk. Such situationally dependent ethics. Our boy had to finally take the keys away from the protege because he was sitting in the car and kept turning it on. The boy was scared he'd drive. Nabal was already passed out... Why in such a macho culture is all the policing and safety of the home left to women? Any hour of the day or night doors are left open. Nabal actually gets mad if he 'gets locked out.' The man isn't even responsible enough to have all the keys to the house. He still only has one key to my Subaru...he hasn't had time to get any made. He didn't have work for 3 weeks...!

Friday

With a person such as this... Last night Nabal did shower and was in the upstairs bathroom, suddenly I could hear things bumping and crashing. Wondered if he had fallen. I get to the door and like a kid he pointed to a Hello Kitty ceramic container and said, "It fell off." Seems simple right? It wasn't something worth anything per se. It is where our girl keeps her 'stuff.' I walked away without a word. Why? 1) I knew I was going to glue it back together. 2) It didn't just suddenly jump off! He must have gotten off kilter and knocked it off. Not even so much as an oops. Just, it fell off. He in that statement with the tone of voice used, distanced himself of having anything to do with the thing falling. Our girl was a bit downcast as it was a thing special to her. I glued it back together and it is good, but the cracks, unlike the emotional scars on all in this house, will be a constant reminder of her drunken father. I'm sure that if he notices he will try to make a big show of praising me for such a good job. I won't even except his praise anymore. It's not his to give or withhold. I know good and well when I do a good or crappy job at something. I also know most of the time he's trying to butter me up, more importantly he is trying to make me feel an emotion behind his opinion of something I have done. I read back sometimes to remind myself how he only recently was using criticism to manipulate. Even still some days it's like I start to go into a hypnotic trance and begin to think am I being too critical, too harsh. Wow... still.

Last night he and the protege got drunk in the back yard until late. Nabal came in and fell showered and went to sleep. I thought the protege hadn't come in. Nabal left him outside passed out in the backyard. It was warm yesterday, but it's still March! On questioning our boy I found that Nabal leaves him outside a lot and our boy goes and gets him. Last night it rained and that's when he woke and came in... Nabal the benevolent leader...

Thursday

Rough day in odd ways. Nabal is overdrafted again, taxes. They are threatening to turn his phone off. Complained his mixer was out of gas and he was out of money. Complained that he didn't eat all day yesterday. (kinda like he says even when he has money) That I have no sympathy for if he had money to buy beer, he had money for a hot dog. I still had a hundred. He got that and seemed to be quite drunk when he came in. Oh, and his credit card is full and truck unpaid. Tonight he asks me again what in the world so bad he did. Everything for the family. I'm living in the past, need to get over it. Tried to get me to say I love you to him. Told me he didn't care what decision I made we would always be together. Damn! Almost has me questioning myself again... Then I got mouthey on FB and complained that I wanted out of here, an aquaintence who has no clue what's going on made a joke that I wasn't going anywhere. Made me wonder... Will I ever get away? Will I cave and hate myself forever? Will I find my backbone again? Most often in my life I let myself down. When I came in from work I noticed tthat nabal had been in just after I left this morning. He picked up the money and looked at Mary's pictures on FB. Then tonight tries to make me feel bad because I'm defending my sanity. You are my only love baby! My little baby. A load of BS! Dead ass broke and drunk off his ass and lying his tail off. I said there were a lot of variables, some I can eventually control, some I can't. I want to be among friends again. I told my pastor the only thing I would ever miss from here is my church. Everything else, I'm over.

Wednesday

What a strange day. Our boy took the day off because he finished his chem class. We talked a lot. I mentioned the years Nabal wasn't drinking. Our boy says he never remembered a time Nabal wasn't. We came to the conclusion that he had been hiding it. Then he told me of Nabal pushing our girl in her swing, a baby's swing and Nabal giving her sips of beer! She wasn't more than 5 and probably less. Our boy said he would ask for some and Nabal would tell him it wasn't for him. I was stunned... Who gives a child that young beer? And just to screw with another child? Nabal has been sick for years. Our boy remembered green bottles. I never saw them, he was really hiding it all from me... I feel so stupid. I feel I let my girl down. Like I trusted too much. I couldn't have dreamed of such a thing. Drunk again. Nothing new. Still trying sexy talk and trying to force wet kisses, laughing when he's rebuffed. I looked today and there was a ring of garbadge around the trash can where he had missed. The floor going out of the house was all tracked with dried mud. My job, cleaning it all up. Beer bottles left empty or half empty all over the house. Atop the fridge under things. The world of a drunk. Hope we don't get roaches with all the beer. Tonight he was drinking Colt, he's broke. I have got to keep going. Got to get away. I know as soon as he finds someone with my skill set he's going. Good, that's best he won't be trying to own me anymore... He acts rather dismissive when he thinks he has a sure thing somewhere else. I'll be ready and if it doesn't work for him... I'll be long gone.

Tuesday

Odd day. Saw that Nabal over drew hia acccount, luckily we had a rent check which brought him out of the red. Then he calls... what is he going to do, everyone has turned their back on him, and what about me. Aw hell, put on the spot. Your always mad at me, you won't sleep with me. Again with the mad. I'm no longer mad, I don't care. What does make me mad is his insisting on his 'rights' to try and touch and kiss me. That makes me mad. It was like he wanted me to kick him when he was down. I wouldn't bite. He sounded so dejected, and thats a problem I need to deal with. I changed the subject. This evening he was trying to be very friendly, yeah...no. I really hope he gets jobs, I'd like to leave when he has his pockets full. He already accused me of being with him for money. The thing is he can still confuse the hell out of me... He has his truth and I have mine. This is why I write pretty much everything important and if I'm not down almost everything, so I can keep reality straight. Today he finished his beer and asked if I had $2. I lied and told him no I'd given the kids lunch money. Said he wanted to know how much he owed me. Ooooh! For the kids. Really?!? This is so hard. So very hard. I really need a support group. Saw something the other day a woman said she saved lots of money after her abusive husband left because she didn't have to make big dinners. I remember eating way less and hardly wasting any. We waste a lot because he won't eat left overs. Well he did today! No money! He's making noise about getting a license to do big work... I'm not doing it. He is a messy business person. When he has money he won't listen to anyone and he really wastes it somewhere. Spends a lot on his workers. Buys their lunch every day... They are his kids he pays attention to...

Monday Snow!

Nabal is almost making me dislike snow... I love snow! To me it's God's way of brightening up winter. So pretty and so peaceful as snow insulates the world, making people slow down and appreciate. Back to Nabal ruining a good thing... Schools closed, he doesn't have work today so he comes down to watch the TV I had on. There is a spacious wrap around sofa and he had to sit where I was under my sleeping blankets. He did the stretch lay the arm across me. Then he lost his mind...started trying to get his hands under my covers. Started laughing and groping. I had to just get up. I was pushing his hands away in a way to convey I was not playing. He'd stop for a few minutes then try again. He said, "I want to sleep with you mama." I just got up. He walked away like nothing happened. Later up stairs he wanted a kiss goodbye when he left. I declined and he hugged me and pulled my cheek to him. Really too far. He's not taking no for an answer! I'm getting stronger in my walk, it's just taking so long... Complicated, just complicated. Alone doesn't scare me at all. It's down to money, pure and simple, but I starting to take on a few bills so there's a start. I would so rather be alone than live like this. I lived alone before I met him, I can do it again. I'm strong, and I'm getting my wits back about me. Open doors Lord, open windows. Lead me out. Just realized that Nabal trying to kiss and fondle me when I'm on the phone is his new way of keeping me from talking to supportive friends. He realizes his disapproval no longer phases me. Very clever...but I got your number! He's back to his, I have to give him a kiss because I'm his wife crap...only he now uses a wide-eyed innocent tone. Like he's instructing a child. Blood boiling!

Sunday

Talking to our girl today. She said her friends see Nabal and the protege sitting in his truck in front of the house and think they look pretty high and know they are getting high. I'm so tired... Here I am trying to tell the kids not to get caught in the drugs around town, and there sits their father visibly high and getting high... I saw them sitting there a few days ago and was surprised they didn't have bottles, but did see Nabal talking on the phone, they stayed there an hour or more. He's not drinking because he has that awful cough from a virus going around that's causing pneumonia, oh but he'll suck on an unfiltered joint... I know pretty much for fact that he's talking to someone and covering it up. We were talking about a business contact and he was asking me for the the guy's number. I observed that he had spoken to the guy that day and left it at that. His reply? "Yeah, I erased it." Yet when you look at his call log it seems full and it automatically pushes out when it gets past a certain number, so why is he deleting numbers from his log? Fishy! Enter Nabal talking on his phone making kiss noises. Told him go away and asked what part of no he didn't understand. He got off the phone and asked what I said. I didn't answer, partly because he heard, partly from fear. Then asked if I had gone to church today. I said yes, with a little attitude (teehee) He left it at that. Really? He really never says things aloud very often. He insinuates, but I'm no longer buying it!

Saw the Match.com comercial just now... "Everyone is on Match.com: your neighbor, your uncle, your aunt." In my mind: "Your aunt, your husband!" Hahaha!

Saturday

A sober week because he's still sick. Working my way out. Ok, crazy conversation...

Nabal: I'm going to sleep.
Me: Good night.
Nabal: Give me a little besito. Kiss good night. Me: No. Nabal: What do you mean no? Me: No. (he tries to kiss me on my mouth. I duck and he slobbed on my cheek...yuck) Nabal: Come upstairs and sleep with me.

What the hell? Is he pretending or what is he doing, thinking? Just trying to frustrate me...