My Valentine History, Such As It Is...

Let me think and let me be fair. I really can not remember Nabal ever putting forth any effort- never a chocolate, card, present. I always was making plans, buying lingerie. I guess all to build up his ego and prove my fidelity. What a dumb ass, me prove myself. What had I done? Nothing out of line that's for sure. Looking back he is a hard person to be intimate with... his breaking you down so he can then comfort you by telling you that it will all be alright and he loves you through and despite your shortcomings. Every time a man accuses you of cheating without any grounds for it. Not flirting, not even the way of dress. He is saying that to him you are a sneaky slut and it's only a matter of time before you are caught at it. If your old ego doesn't clue your conscience in on this, it eats like acid at your self worth. Way in the back of your mind you are trying to figure out what it is about you that gives this vibe off, and do others see it and just never mention it, yet secretly harbor thoughts against you. This is carried out when these so called lover/husbands tell us that their friends think you are into them. These 'friends' are never the nicer people they know, but always some shady character who you despise. They know we despise these people, so who better to blame us for attracting? Wow! They really do work us well don't they?

When I started this blog Nabal had dropped the veneer of everything and just sneered and let his hatred of me out. My kids bought flowers for me. Nabal I remember asked me pointedly what was my problem that day. I don't remember acting out of sorts. What I do think was that he just wanted to dig a few barbs in. He asked about the flowers, then sneered and asked if he needed to buy any or something mean like that. I'm sure it's in here somewhere.

What I see this year is him trying to get me to be fully engaged in Valentines to get me to 'behave.' I'm not biting. When Valentine's Day is about control, not romance. It's really become the forefront of his focus. Like it has to happen. I wonder who he needs to brag for? Maybe he just figures it's the psychological impact he thinks it should have on me. All these years he has never put any effort into the day, now he's putting me in the position that if I don't hop on board and go all out with his date setup I am letting him down. Today he is on me about going to dinner, to a movie. Really this is all about him not hearing a thing I say. His saying, "reality is what I say it is, and to hell with what think, want, feel." He is a spin doctor. At least I can rest assured that none of his other fantasies have ever amounted to anything even though he still spins the tales whenever he's drunk. No grand arches connecting our house to an apartment in our back yard. No apartment in our back yard. No second story on our house. No tattoo of an eagle on his face. No expensive cars. No expensive houses. No money in the bank. What this is, is that now he is sure I want out, I'm fed up with all the crap and I have taken him at his word that he is does not want to remain in this marriage. Now that I have made peace with that and come to look forward to freedom. He has decided he is not going to allow that. I see and hear veiled threats. "Want to die with you." Master puppeteer he is. I am or was one of the most stubborn people when people wanted me to do something against my conscience and I dig my heels in. I'm back there. I really feel tho, that this time it can be dangerous. No one will understand as I said, he has never hit me, but has alluded. I can't put the children in harms way. He is to the point that he has in his mind been able to blame everything and excuse all his actions by making them my fault or our and out denying that anything written here in this blog happened. This is why I have written it all down. He's trying to make me forget. That may sound strange or farfetched, but that is where the abuse amnesia comes from. This is the most blatant probably because I am no longer a participant. Looks deeply into my eyes and without a trace of anything says he has never done anything but the best for our family. Never said a word other than encouraging. Never drank as much as I lead everyone to believe. I am mistaken and in fact am the one who has been nasty to him. He has been trying to just by a thread hold the family together in spite of my actions... Next he'll be wanting to purchase a unicorn for our daughter... He has no conscience. Just whatever his whim is at any given time.

It is just so easy to get tired and get tired of fighting him. He tells me every day that I will never go any where, I can't get away from him, he'll never leave willingly, that if I knew what was good for me I'd just give in, I will never be able to be financially independent. I was, why can't I be again? Do you know how it feels when you tell someone you are ready to end a marriage and they come back and pretend you said nothing? When an argument is had, then they come back to you very quietly and speak to you about never leaving you. Not good quiet, creepy, possessive quiet that forces itself into your personal space. Laughs when you make an effort to reclaim that space. Feeling your stomach twist, feel the burn of acid, feel every nerve go on high alert.

No one understands, not one.