Monday

I just had a thought. Some women have their worst nightmare that their husband will go out for milk, ciggs, beer or whatever and never return. When my husband walks out the door I hope he gets diverted a few years... Yes it has got to end. I just am not sure how he will turn when once I really say it all in a coherent sentence aloud. He was so blase when it was him telling me he'd wished all his life for a beautiful woman and was leaving because he was bored. I was so over him after he has spent the last 4 years + turning our family into a nightmare landscape. His ability to hurt me ended somewhere during his binge time. The sneering, criticism seared any nerve endings I had left. Funny, when we first married. I was open once. Hours or days he threw it back at me just to sneer and hurt me. That was a lesson I didn't need to learn twice. He never found another morsel that could really hurt me. Well, except the fear of abandonment. So that was his only weapon. He got sloppy and overused that weapon. He also forgot that I lived well, single and alone for 10 years. He used to try to pull me down by telling me that American women are immoral because we don't live at home until we are married... (How many are laughin to tears on that one?) I think I did when he first said it. He was regaling me with the pure morality of Mexican women. Then I met his mother. Woman lived with boyfriends up the wazoo was a viscious drunk. All while she was still married to her first husband. Even has one son with a boyfriend stuck in between her husband's sons. Then his brother is running through live in girlfriends, calling them his wife and having kids with 2 of them. He can't keep a job because he has an injury that hospitalizes him every few years. It would be ok if their mother would let him fully recuporate before she guilted him about needing money. Yes... all so pure, and virginal. So, because he knows a lotta sluts he's gotta try to make me part of their club. He did try to get me to hang out with the sluts in the neighborhood we lived in. Guess he wanted me to really live up to his expectations. Then during his binge he really tipped his hand. Trying time and again to hurt me by laying a lot of trips that would have hurt many women. They were my confident spots tho... So I saw through his game almost immedietly. Blessings come in all shapes and sizes. But how will he retaliate when he finds out he's been beaten by his own game? I have been odvious and never wavering so as not to mislead him, and he still tries to pretend that everything is normal and I'm imagining there is a problem. So when I have to speak the words... he is not going to like it. He's not going to be in control, and that's what he craves. Our boy got away. I have put the D in distant and our girl is polite.

Last night or the night before he tried to order me to do something. I never even looked up. Had the intimidating voice. Backed down pretty quick when I looked at him like he was nuts.

Found out also that yet another pastor was not working out at his church. They are returning to the midwest from wence they came. Odd thing is that the pastor's wife is returning first. Their children paid for their mom, but will not pay for dad... Ouch! Found out the guy he has been planning on being his pastor is moving out of state and to a different denomination. Even now he's sneaking over to attend another church. He's an abuser and I'm hoping his wife is making sure she has friends wherever they move. They are a horrible lot. Leaders supposidly of God, who are abusers of their wives. Now I see why people would rather staybaway from the church. None of the hallmarks of Christ. Humility, gentelness and love. Just pride, control and self serving. How many of the young in Christ do they chase away, how many do they make carbon copies of their hypocritical piety.