R-E-L-I-E-F!

Thank you Lord!

I've really been losing it. Stress, anxiety, headaches, lethargy, not sleeping at night, not motivated, feeling trapped.

Nabal has been doing the full court press- Without you I'll be lost and destroy myself, I love you and I'm not messing with anyone else- because I love only you, I can change if you come back to me- be my wife. Every other thing has a sexual undertone, though he denies it- he just loves and needs me.

Tonight he was challenging my personal space. Wanting to touch a button on my shorts. Wanting to touch my leg, my leg. Telling me I'm so pretty. Than with a rather pitiful face said as I recoiled from his unwanted touch and proximity- Why can't I touch you anymore?

I told him loud and clear the drinking and driving himself into drugs was NOT my fault and I wasn't going to feel guilty or try to save him. He's responsible for his actions.

I could feel a buried part in my thoughts though begin to feel sorry for him. All those years of conditioning.

The last few days he's actually cut weeds down that over the last few years have turned into trees. Instead of painting the porch he has some blue stone- which friends it into a way bigger job than is needed.

It's supposed to be a trap! He does all this work- trying to soften my heart up. See, he's a changed man...

I was given his phone code by an interested party. Well given the bones- I tried once before but wasn't right, and I wasn't this mentally bombarded. I went to the kitchen for a cupcake- yes, I'm eating my anxiety within reason. There it was and something said try again- Eureka!

He's busily trying to talk Mary back into bed... She's telling him he's disrespectful. He alluding to her, well reminding her, she lied to him about her fidelity...to him. (Cracks up laughing at his audacity)

Honestly I don't care what he does- I needed that information to fortify my mind. Immediately my mind found reality to hold onto- I was really bugging with his mind games.

So he staggered back down here while I was writing this... He starts, not yelling, but a stern gruff voice slightly louder than he usually speaks: Who are you texting? I know you're texting someone!

Shall we say I snapped on him. Told him all about himself and his texting. His reply- I'm not messing with anyone. Shut that down as he wants a pass that he's not actively right now sleeping with anyone... Years buddy...years. Then he has the nerve to say...in plain English- I don't know where you get all these crazy thoughts into your mind. I've never slept with anyone. (MIND F#¢K!)

I lowered on him. Told him his mind games meant nothing to me, and I knew he was doing it- I'd seen his pictures and read his texts. (He staggered back upstairs) (note: he never denies, he just doesn't respond and walks away)

Only to return in minutes: I'm going back to church.

I told him good for him.

His last shot: I bet even with that you won't forgive me. (Then staggered of to bed.) After he tried with his best little boy voice to ask if we could sleep together tonight.

Thus is it- his one and only concern, after getting drunk of course, is to get lil Willie taken care of. He loves his beer. He loves his lil Willie. End of story.

And thank Lundy Bancroft for pointing out that for them- forgive means forget anything he does... And use even things that happened before I knew him- 20+ years later against me.  Ahhh, an abuser mind.