So I quit my job for the wedding. Went into business for myself, but unfortunately sharing a space with a friend who is just a different person when around her full time... She's got a partner in business, who I feel so sorry for.
My friend- was abused when a child and had an alcoholic dad. Just a negative controller of a person who throws all get friend under a bus to other friends... Not an environment I need. They have no work, and I've got the other partner thinking positive again, but my friend is a underminer. Any idea is shot down immediately. Her idea for marketing are at least 20 years old- flyers on windshields... she gives you a few then expects we share ours. That would be ok, but my clients don't need what she does, and she can't do what I do. I met her in school, her there for the second time, and she still never got her license... I've spent the summer taking classes and need to intern- so that's my way out without hard feelings. I'll work there on my days off and use the partner's room.
My friend plays games- if she finds out when you have a client she says she is using her room- then never shows. Says her people always cancel. This may be the truth- I've dealt with a few and they are last minute cancellers. I've found out lately many come to her because she bullies them and guilts then because she needs work.
Also going nuts being home so much again lately: it's a pit, filthy. ALANON says font clean up after a drunk. Nabal makes messes. Beer bottles, cooking in the kitchen and never cleaning. The kids never clean, I never clean. Not never, but infrequently. Why? Are we crazy? No, Nabal takes it as we habe done something personally for him- not just because we're are tired of living in filth. We all hate being here- with a drunk. We all make great plans and as soon as we hit the door- we all get tired and just give up. I think it may be some low grade depression... He hounds me daily with his pleas and proclamations. He did tell me I needed to forget the past... I think this is the largest, longest abuse cycle ever! I believe this is supposed to be the hearts and flowers phase, and I'm supposed to feel sorry for him and jump in his bed... Did I forget that part? He needs a nookie fix- plain and simple. All he makes me is angry because I see right through it all. He wants to take rides, walks and eat and just talk... Talk about what? Us. Us? There is no us! He won't accept it. He says I'm mad all the time...over nothing. When he tries to take the liberty of touching me or badgering me to hold hands. He'll stop drinking if I come back and 'be his wife.' Well, what do we think that means if he has refused divorce? I come home, cook, clean, and sleep with him- just like old times. No, thank you. No.Just no. Why won't I forgive him- he's not 'messing' with anyone anymore... He sees no problem. I told him he broke me- I have no feelings left. He tells new I'm mean.
He can kiss my ass! I'm so over all this. His speech is so classic abuser. And with any classic abuser, thinks if they get you into bed- they've got you again. He's wrung every last drop of feeling out of me- yes, I allowed it. My mind is starting to cloud again. I can't take the badgering. No, I won't give in, but it's making me sick and depressed. I want to curl up- not a good thing for a business owner... His crap it's working in small ways. I'm Losing momentum. I'm Losing drive. I just want to sleep, yet I'm awake all night. I feel caged in. I need a place to e escape to again. Business, job, apartment. By my nails I'm clawing to keep going.
No one to talk to. No one gets it at all. Expectations weigh heavily on me. I'm doubting everything again. Not with Nabal- ever! I doubt me- voices: you can't make it on your own anymore. You're old, why try. I know this is all wrong...I know but the reel repeats like a pounding surf. All my life people have been telling me what I can't do. Not because I can't, but because it doesn't fit their image of me. It's a long hill- but I'm still pulling. I look down now and at times just think: fall back and it'll be all over. No more climbing our trying. That would kill me.
I'm at a point where I'm not very happy with me. I'd honestly like to be alone like I always was. Work, go home, shut the door and read, draw, knit. Anything but contemplate my life of failures. Anything that went right- seems I was bent on fouling it up. Everything.
Yeah, about that depression and pity party... As I've always been told- get over it.
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