Tuesday

Have I mentioned I'm sick of my life and sick of hearing about it inside my head...? Sick of being stuck. Sick of my inability to seemingly do anything at all. I work so I don't have to think...about anything. I'm letting life sift through my fingers. At times I feel it will sift as is until there its none left. I continue to draw in on myself. I imagine I must seem an odd duck to pretty much everyone. I kinda don't care anymore. I've almost mastered emotionlessness. Situational game face. What is odd is that there are a few who do notice... It makes me perfect the transition and push everything further down. And wonder if they know because they themselves hide behind the smile.

I do know that until the taxes are satisfied I can't begin to think about leaving. Save myself? Never leave a man behind, even if you have to drag them out kicking and screaming. I can't fathom it all, so I become ineffective, confused and shut down. I wonder if I'm my biggest problem... So I push off from people, from life. I'm enjoying being away from Facebook. A voyeur to the flow of life... There were just so many reasons to shut it down. Disengaging feels right. If anyone really wants to find me, talk to me, they know my number. My birthday was last month. My girl and I celebrated. It made her happy.

Nabal...well...has been Nabal. He is very concerned about his weight. He's sure its from to many beers... His stomach seems to be growing again. He tries off and on to be more insistent. He came up behind me trying to hug me. When I tried to elude him, his grasp tightened uncomfortably. I told him to stop. He released me, but as he walked away he said I'd never be stronger than him... My shame is that my daughter was there... He also had been getting bolder off and on, trying to grope me. I've been lucky he's too drunk to act on it faster than I can get out of his way.

Nabal told me of his last Sunday morning job. At a school that as he found out has a church that meets there. He was talking with them and evidently discussing the Bible. I got stuck at the beginning of his tale. He and Pablito started the morning off with a lot of weed and a six pack for breakfast. Of course I have no idea how much off that was true as he told me a woman from the Spanish church had invited us to dinner. I was very close to the woman when she lost two members of her family in a car accident. In the light of day I never again heard anything about the visit...

I'm so sick of him asking why I am so hard on him when all he does is love me. I'm ruining his life. I ruined his church...evidently we were the main people there... So since I left then it went belly up between his arrogant sociopath pastor and his own drunken antics. But its my fault... This is why I write.

Oh gosh...I hope he was just drunk talking, he claims to have purchased alpacas. Said he had permits from the city. Where will I find homes for them? Lucky I do know people who raise them. Then he wants to raise someone elses kid. Someone her believes its a bad mother. Sad, I think he would probably treat the kid better than his own. He was incredulous that I said no I would not raise another child with him. I get so sick of his drunk talking. He'll wake me in the middle of the night and if I complain his reply is: You think I give a 'f' about you sleep. And if he asks me one more to 'make sex' I'll scream!

I'm just so tired of it all... some days I could just walk and never stop. Leave my phone and just blend with the background.