Thursday

My four days a week away from home allows for fresh thoughts, and fresh sight and insight. I've known for years that dressing is a chore. I've known for years that I don't seem to ever have tops. I finally realized I just don't like my clothes. For working around the house I have plenty. To start with, styles I like only translate when I'm down a few sizes. Not that they are revealing, but its a cut, not tight but tailored. My tops though... I've spent years buying functional clothes. Clothes that would never bring attention from anyone. Subconsciously consciously deliberate.

When Nabal and I were first married, I was sizes smaller. Nabal thought a man was eyeballing me at a party and he wanted to fight the guy. I'm not at all flattered by that kind of behavior. I dragged him away in embarrassment. He claimed to have caught some guy trying to peep in our window. His question to me was what had I done to encourage the guy. Somewhere in there I decided that to put him at ease I should blend into the background. What I bought or made was either cheap or severe. Of course I had to jump on him one day for yelling out the car window at some girls... His excuse: I'm a man. He never did it again...but the message was evidently firmly placed. It smacks of the old thought that if a woman is sexually accosted, she did something to entice it. I became unenticing...

Last night Nabal was sloshed. He thankfully passed out mid sentence and I turned out the lights and tipped away. Left him sitting in a living room chair. He was on a campaign to win me back. at one point I sat down and he was standing far too close. Towing over me. I asked him why, with all the setting in the room he had to stand there? His reply: You are my wife. Oh! Head game alert!

He apologized for 'if' he ever did anything to hurt me. Though he's never done anything wrong and there had never been anyone else. Whatever I thought, was actually my imagination. Wow... Let us take a moment to mourn the death of truth.

And yet and still, I find myself feeling sorry for him. The pathetic figure of misguided boyhood. He plays it well. Until I checked out his new smartphone. At his invitation! He really did think he'd covered his tracks... Just not tech savvy... Still mooning over Mary...and a few other girls. And updated his profile pic on zoosk. Checked out his horoscope. Checked out a dating site, and put church folks on his acquaintance list. Busy boy! He has been saying lately that he needs a little lady in his life.

Of course he blows it all when he says: Hey lets get drunk and wild. (We can see how clearly he thinks...just what our kids need- two drunkard parents!) and Sleep with me, I'll change your mind and get you back...in my way. Lol, the panacea- sex. Not even getting into what a battle ground that has been for 20+ years... Lot of hurt there.

The thing is he's so convincing...if I didn't have the truth written down I'd be lost. I am like the elephant whose chain has been removed. Old habits, nothing more. Wanting to see and believe the best in someone who constantly prices their true colors and intentions. I have to work at not seeing the best in people, because I usually make a hasty retreat from unhealthy people. Oh how I wish I could have left years ago. I take a solace in that I'm still within my 5 year plan...! (but close to the end)