Tuesday

Last night Nabal was super drunk and asked if there was anymore relationship left between us. I hate talking to drunks but finally had to say no. He than asked if that meant that he could leave any time he wanted. I told him he had always been free to do that. This morning he is being very solicitious. We are really past a few 'I love yous' glossing over our problems. Last night he said that he'd said he wanted to leave but then said he was staying. I told him he'd said he was leaving one to many times, and that the multitude of times he had threatened to leave couldn't be covered over by his now changed mind. First off to me he's capricious, any time he gets upset, drunk, controlling or whatever! He says he's leaving. His reply was that I'm believing what I want to believe. I guess he's right. He goes girl hopping and when none of them are interested he comes home. A few women would be happy, I'm not one of them. Way too much water under the bridge. Too many lies, too many intentional hurts, too many reports from kids confirming suspiscions. Now he trying the insistant Romeo route. He made the proclimation when he left the house, "We will sleep together tonight. Tonight." He's trying to force kisses on me. I have to step my game up. I can't play reverse psychology here. I'm not willingly sleeping with Nabal again. I know what he was up to and he can go be with whoever. I'm oddly not indignant, nor am I mad. I'm just tired of his games, his head games. Nabal has no regard for anyone's feelings, just manipulating those around him for whatever rational he has in his mind. I'm tired of being broke because he doesn't have a clue how to handle money. I'm tired of his feeling he has to tear every one of us down to get his way. This is a man who when I'm agreeable he has to hurt because that's the way he gets fast reactions. Now he realizes he's overstepped himself and pushed too hard. We all got far enough away from the chaos to see it for what it is. He rules by dividing, by knocking down a person's esteem, by keeping everyone off kilter so no one thinks clearly. It is a daily fight to keep my head straight. Some days I think I'm being over dramatic, until I see him trying to block me from working or suggesting what I should be doing that has nothing to do with what I've studied. He throws around the ILYs but all they are to me are I need you to do things I can't or don't want to do for myself. They mean I went looking for love and no one wanted me so make me feel better. I know you are always there. I know deep down, ad not that deep mind you, that if he was successful in finding some young thing or Isela comes back around he'll be off. I think also that he is trying to reel me back in so he can really drop kick me. The only draw is plainly that I don't care any more. He's now trying to make a date with me. Like a date is going to save this mess! We have had years to date, but he was out getting drunk with his buddies. I was home day and night on end raising our children. He would come home for 'family time' but I just wanted a break at that point. I would ask him to take the kids to the park and he would accuse me of never wanting to do anything as a family. He was the missing one, not me!

I knew the more I grow the more he would step up his game. And game it is. I'm beyond his hurt and he knows it. I don't trust him anymore, and am not interested in placing any more in him. I've been burned way to may times. Burn me and I may heal, burn my kids and I won't. I knew that when I finally got tired of his treatment and said fine you get your way, what you want to be free of people who don't make him happy seemingly that he wouldn't go. It's the fun of the reaction for him. He once berated me for not falling to pieces. To him if you don't fall to pieces it means you don't care. But I realize that is just his trying to control feelings and reactions to his satisfaction. Whenever he pokes and pinches, tries to kiss steal or hug I do get uncomfortable, he accuses me of being mad and laughs. In his world when people are mad they laugh and push them to get madder. I knew whatever I decided he would go the opposite direction. Once I have seen, I can not un-see. I can't in all sanity put in another 5 or 10 years of before he finally finds his piece of tail and just walks, Anything else will be playing pretend. He'd like that. The abuse, the mind f**ks, the undermining of anything I do, the racial slurs, the lying, the other women all equal up to unforgivable.

Breaking his neck to go out Saturday... Maybe we do need to talk while he's sober so it can all be out in the open. Maybe it's time. He expects a dinner in a nice restaurant to lead me back to the bedroom (which he thinks will magically gloss over everything, or bring my amnesia back. HA!) Minimal effort for maximum return... where were the dinners over the last 20 years? Never thought to do anything but complain. He did want to go dancing, but only at the wild drunk Mexican dance hall where there were always fights. I don't know how to dance like that and he never wanted to teach me. I'm not a good dancer and don't like being laughed at. It's not fun nor is it fun being with him and having him want to fight someone he assumes was looking at me. Also he was so busy the last time we went out looking at all the other asses shake!