Wednesday

So found out very sad news yesterday. A friend who also lives with an addict found out that her addict husband had been giving their 14 year old son alcohol, cigarettes and drugs. She is done... finally. I hope. When the news got to our house Nabal's reaction was, "That guy is stupid. What was he thinking? Why did she stay with him so long? He doesn't like to work." I couldn't believe his reaction. I told Nabal that it didn't matter if he was a billionaire. Giving all that to a 14 year old was the end. Nabal started to rant about everything. I said well what about you? You smoke your dope in front of our boy. He said, "Well I never gave him any. You smoke cigarettes in front of the kids. So you are the same." I told him the last time I checked cigarettes while not a good thing were not illegal." Nabal- "I'm a bad man. I wish I could be an angel."

His sights are set too high. Just a decent human being would suffice. He's locked into a doctrine that says you have to be perfect. They all go to church and try to look perfect to one another. When you fall from the pedestal... Putting on the perfection face s a form of lying; to yourself and others. All have sinned. Paul fought against the flesh until the end. This doctrine that 'true' Christians will be perfect on this earth is dooming people. Any fall into humanity is seen as you not being a Christian. Their judgments are either quick and severe, or brushed over. All depending what another's weakness is or if the facade is breached. True Christianity says we must keep short dealings with our sins, be concerned when we are pulled of course by sins. Nowhere does it say we will not be plagued by some sort of sin. The act of thinking ourselves sinless and superior in itself is a sin. Oh poor humans...

Nabal is in the stage of pretending nothing happened. He is expecting a pass because he was drinking and drugging. Funny, he has moved on and doesn't want forgiveness- he wants forgetfulness. I do wonder how long he can keep it up. He is showing signs of loosing patience with my not letting amnesia take over. Spring is almost here. Our rental property has an interested buyer and I'll bet that he takes the money and leaves. He so callously offered me the money the last time we sold a house. Made me feel so awful, and unwanted. What part of me made him think I was a gold digger? How twisted we can become in our inner dialogue... It still causes a twinge of pain when I think about it. Why? Because it didn't come out of an argument or dispute. It was having the rug pulled out from under me on a day of celebration. It was meant to wound at a very deep level, and it did. I either would or would not play into his life scenario all these years, but now it is all becoming self fulfilling. I have finally become numb. I still have flashes but they are coupled with forgetting and pity. Does he know he is pushing all away? I feel so sorry for him, but I can't throw myself or the kids under the bus to keep him from hurting. He comes off so helpless. We have come to a twisted relationship where he wants me to take on the role of mother. He's said so much. While having all the benefits of a wife. Which hasn't happened in months. That I feel like he goes out and does what he wants and when all that either gets boring or doesn't pan out, then I'm supposed to put out to make him feel better. I worry about STD's even though he 'swears' he has never done anything. Could be true, could be just like everything else he lies about. I don't see it as anything loving between us any longer- just a sigh of power and control for him. He defiantly refuses to see that there is any problem.

When he has money he very quietly drinks 2-3 40 oz's and goes to sleep. He really can not sleep on his own anymore. He'll go off and smoke himself a bowl. No more Mr. Nasty. He can so control what he does when he is drunk, if he couldn't then he would be the same all the time or close to it. Him trying to use drunkenness as an excuse for his behavior is nullified by his own actions when he realizes he has gone too far with me. Now he mostly sits around looking like the poor misunderstood boy. Wide eyed and innocent. He's starting to remind me of Claudia from 'Interview With A Vampire" using the sweet innocence to lure victims close enough to go in for a heartless kill. His mother 'turned' him when he was a small boy and the results are the same. She created, out of their necessity to survive her cruelty, waifs looking for love but never able to accept it. All the years I threw into 'proving' he was loved and I cared, and he could never bring himself to believe it was true. I'm pretty sure that's what caused everything. Also because I was upset at his actions related to his binge drinking 3-4 years ago. The driving the kids while drinking; he saw as disapproval of him, as not loving him. I wasn't harsh. It is seeing any disapproval as rejection that is at the core. Also he wants everything in my (our) world to revolve around what he chooses. Only Spanish. He doesn't outwardly disapprove, he uses outlandish criticism to do that job. Everything else is stupid, foolish, something is wrong with everything. That is unless it is something he wants. That usually involves him with his friends. He never took our boy fishing or to a park to play. He would rather go with his friends and fish or play. Could never take the boy because the friends were drunks... Then said the boy never wanted to spend time with him. Always woe is me... Never had time to celebrate the kid's birthdays. Never had time to go to games- he only liked looking at professional games. Never had time to go to any of their school functions- they were boring. We were always expected to go to his things whether bored or not, interested or not. Could not quite understand how we could not be having the time of our lives. He was... We all just got tired of pretending. He never tried to pretend for us...

The latest from 'his' church is that Nabal's previous pastor who stepped down for various reasons: First the church was failing. Then his wife accused him, and probably rightly, of abuse; is asking Nabal's help to get the new pastor to leave or be put out. Wow. Just floored me. Nabal evidently forgot his thoughts on the previous pastor. Now he says the guy is 'preaching good.' WHAT!! I feel for them if this new man was sent here by God to do a work and those two try to stop it... Nabal does not like the man because he has made decisions without consulting Nabal... I can see all this not ending well at all. I'm seeing this gentleman going off and starting his own church, and it will probably thrive. I can not understand what the attachment for Nabal is. It's like there is some personal thing going on to prove a point. Nabal knows they need to leave the denomination they are currently under. They want to get a following and start a new church, but they want to keep the name of their current church without the denominational name attached. Why? I heard others in the past voice this same care. They could care less about doctrine or anything else as long as they could keep the same name. Something fishy going on here and I can't put my finger on it.